You can have it all. Just not at the same time.

You've been told you can have it all. And maybe you believed it. Until you were sitting in a leadership role, missing a recital, and wondering how everyone else seems to be holding it together.

They're not. They're just quiet about it.

In this episode of Leadership After 5, I'm having the conversation nobody prepares you for; what it actually feels like to lead while mothering. The trade-offs that don't get easier. The guilt that doesn't go away. And the truth about what that seat at the table actually costs.

This one is for the mother who fought to get there and is now wondering how to stay.

Transcript

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Someone once told me they were shocked to find out I had kids. Their next question was, how do you balance all of this? I didn't have a clean answer back then, but I do now. And it's probably not what you'd expect. Welcome to Leadership After Five. I'm Kim, and today I want to have the conversation that most leadership content ski entirely. And not because it isn't important, but because it makes people uncomfortable. This one, this one is for the mother who is also a leader. The woman who fought to get to the table and is now quietly wondering if she can stay there without losing herself in the process. I see you, and I have something to tell you. A fighter in the ring has to be alert, observant, and agile. They have to read what's coming, adjust in real time, and keep showing up even when they're tired. Well, that's not just boxing. That's leadership and that's motherhood. The difference is a fighter chooses the ring, they train for it. They know what they're walking into. A lot of women step into leadership and motherhood simultaneously without fully understanding what the ring is going to ask of them. And when the weight of both starts to close in, I'm talking the guilt, the trade-offs, the impossible choices. Some stay in the ring out of pride when what they actually need is to step out with intention. And let me say something about that before we go any further. Stepping out of the ring is not failure. Knowing your limit and honoring it with dignity is one of the most courageous leadership decisions you can make. If you are in a season right now where you are stretched beyond what is sustainable, I am not here to tell you to push through it. I'm not going to do that. I am here to tell you that stepping back, reassessing, and re-entering on your own terms is a leadership move. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But if you're in the ring and you intend to stay, this conversation is for you too. Because staying requires a different kind of preparation than anyone prepares you for. A meeting or a recital, a deadline or a doctor's appointment, a late night call or bedtime routine. And no matter how hard you try to balance it, it always feels like you're giving something up. I'm a mother of three. I'm also a senior executive, and I'll be the first to tell you that there is no such thing as balance. Not the kind they sell you in the highlight reels. Not the kind that looks effortless from the outside. That doesn't exist. What exists are trade-offs, sacrifices, moments you will have to live with that don't get easier just because you chose them. And that's real. The choices don't get easier with time. The sacrifices don't feel any better with experience. What changes is your relationship with them. You learn to hold both the guilt and the decision at the same time without letting either one paralyze you. And that is not something anyone teaches you. It is something you develop slowly, painfully, and usually alone. And that aloneness is something I want to name specifically because I think it's one of the most under-acknowledged parts of being a mother in leadership. You are often surrounded by people, your team, your peers, your family, yet still you can feel completely isolated in the specific tension of trying to be fully present in two places that both deserve everything you have. That tension is real. It is not a personal failure, it is a reality of what you have taken on. And the sooner you can name it, the sooner you can start making intentional decisions about how to navigate it. Thinking back, here is the advice I wish someone would have given to me. It's okay to love the job. It's okay to feel guilty for loving it. And it's okay to admit that when you can't show up the way you want to for your children or for your organization, it breaks something in you. You are not designed to carry both at full capacity at the same time. And that's not weakness, that's reality. But here's the other part that I want to say very clearly. I need you to hear me when I say this. The organization does not stop because you are a mother. Businesses exist to deliver results. Your leader needs you to be present. Your team needs you to be plugged in. And that seat at the table, it carries equal weight regardless of what you are carrying at home. That's not harsh. That is the deal. And I say that not to discourage you, but to prepare you, because the leaders who struggle most are the ones who walked into the ring without understanding the terms. They expected the organization to accommodate what is required of them, both emotionally and physically as a mother. And when that accommodation didn't come, and it often doesn't, they felt blindsided, possibly betrayed. I don't want that for you. So if you want to be in leadership and you are also a mother, get clear on your non-negotiables. Decide in advance what acceptable wins and acceptable losses look like on both sides. Don't wait for the organization to create space for you. Advocate for what you need and then show up fully for what you committed to. I want to share something personal. There was a season in my career where I was doing all of it. The leadership, the motherhood, the late nights, the early mornings, the school events I made and the ones I missed, the meetings I led and the ones I phoned in because my mind was somewhere else entirely. I kept quiet about how hard it was because I would look around and assume everyone else had it figured out. I didn't want to appear like I was struggling, like motherhood was defeating me. I didn't want anyone to question whether I could handle the role. So I kept going. Kept my head down, got the job done, got the work down, depleted at the end of the day. What I know now is that most of the women around me were doing the exact same thing. The silence was in confidence. It was the unspoken agreement that we don't talk about this, at least not here. Perform, perform, perform, look the role, look the part, perform capability even when we are running on empty. I am done with that agreement. You can be an incredible mother, you can be an incredible leader, just not always at the same time, and not always equally. And the sooner you make peace with that, the more freedom you will actually feel. And in the middle of all of it, pause, look around. The career you are building, the mother you are being, the leader you are becoming. Those are not separate lives you are managing. They are one life that you are living. A collection of moments, trade-offs, wins, and losses that together make up something worth experiencing. Don't be so focused on doing both that you forget to feel either one. The goal was never perfection. It was a life that was full even when it was hard. That seat at the table doesn't come with concessions. It comes with responsibility. And you deserve to be there. Just go in with your eyes open. If this episode resonated with you, I want to hear from you. Find me on LinkedIn and tell me what landed. Tell me what you're carrying right now. Tell me what you wish someone had said to you sooner. This is Leadership After Five, where leadership gets real. I'll see you in the next episode. Take care.