Not Worth the Risk

You keep getting left off the invite, and it's not an accident. In this episode, Kim goes deeper on professional FOMO, the need some leaders have to be in every meeting, every conversation, every room. But this one isn't really about the invite. It's about why the invite never comes.

Kim breaks down what the research actually says: workplace FOMO is less about missing information and more about the fear of relational exclusion. It runs hottest in people whose sense of identity and belonging is running low. And it predicts burnout, not performance. Meanwhile, the trust research is clear that consistency is what earns you the seat, right down to the bottom line.

The hard truth at the center of this episode: if your inconsistency reads as a risk, people will not take that risk. They won't mitigate around you. They will avoid you altogether.

Kim closes with three things you can do about it: know who you are, come prepared or pull back, and grade yourself after every meeting.

The invite isn't the problem. The invite is the symptom. Consistency is the cure.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to another episode of Leadership After Five. If you are joining for the first time, welcome. My name is Kim and I would love to hear from you. Please send me an email at Kim at the KPAadvisory Group.com. For those of you who have been here for a while, well, welcome back. Thanks for being here. Leaders who are inconsistent are not trustworthy. I'm gonna say that again. Leaders who are inconsistent are not trustworthy. If I can't determine from day to day who is going to show up, I'm gonna bet on myself and exclude you altogether. That's not cruelty. That's human nature. If I don't know who's coming, I'm not going to risk it. And here's the thing: this isn't just my opinion. The research backs this up, and we're gonna get into that today. But the topic I want to explore is professional FOMO or professional fear of missing out. That need some leaders have to be in every meeting, every conversation, or every room. And I've been sitting with this for a little while because I do believe that it's more than just wanting to be in the meeting. So we're gonna get into that today. So just stay with me for the ride. I want to start with an example from my own life. So I have three kids, but specifically I have two that are still young. One is six and one is three. And they're kids, they're going to be kids. They're gonna scream, they're gonna yell, they're gonna have outbursts. And other times, they're great, right? They just kind of go with the flow, no drama, no big to-do. But because of that inconsistency, I choose not to take them to certain restaurants, specifically the ones where other diners are trying to have a quiet, perhaps romantic evening. If it's not family-oriented or if it's not allowed, sort of forgiving room, we just don't go. And it's not because I don't want to go, it's because I don't know how they're going to show up. So instead of putting that pressure on them and on myself, I just avoid it altogether. Until they reach a maturity level where I can say, hey, here's what I expect from you. Here's what this restaurant calls for, and here's this. Right? Now, why does my brain make that call so fast? Because that's how brains work. North science tells us the brain treats uncertainty like a threat. David Rock's work on how the brain responds in social settings shows that certainty is one of the core things people need to feel safe around you. When your brain can't predict what's coming, it flips into threat mode. And threat mode says avoid. So when I skip the fancy restaurant with my kids, that's not me being mean, that's my brain doing exactly what it was built to do, which is minimize unpredictable risk. The same is true in leadership. When you are unpredictable, the people around you are running that same calculation quietly, automatically, and you never see the results. You just see the doors that stopped opening. Now let's talk about the FOMO piece. There are a lot of leaders who feel this need to be included in everything. And I mentioned this in my last episode about this whole idea of everybody needing to be at the table. Here's the thing: I don't think everyone needs to be in everything. I said it, then I'm gonna say it again. Unless you have an action or the topic is directly tied to your vertical or the work that you're doing, you don't need to be in the room. We don't need a kumbaya consensus meeting to arrive at a decision. And I think some people are uncomfortable with that. They're uncomfortable with the idea that they're not in the room. They're not at the table. So they can't let it go. If there's a conversation happening with certain people, they want in. Folks, that's professional FOMO. And I want you to know this is not just a phrase I made up. Researchers have actually studied this. Christopher Budnick and his colleagues published work defining workplace FOMO as a real, measurable thing, and they found it has two parts. One is informational, the fear that you're missing important updates and insights. The other is relational, the fear that you're being excluded from relationships and connections that matter. So sit with that for one minute. Relational exclusion. The research is telling us that half of workplace FOMO isn't about the content of the meeting at all. It's about the relationships you think you're being cut out of. It's about belonging. And here's the kicker. The same research found that workplace FOMO doesn't make you a better performer. It predicts burnout. It predicts compulsive message checking. You know that person refreshing their inbox at nine o'clock at night, making sure they didn't miss anything. That is not dedication. That's FOMO burning them out from the inside. So the FOMO isn't helping you. It's costing you. And it still doesn't get you in the room. Which brings me to the deeper point. And this is something I have been talking about with my team as we sort of like try to develop things and resources for our organization. This is what I want you to hear today. The original research on FOMO, before it ever got applied to the workplace, found that fear of missing out runs highest in people whose basic psychological needs aren't being met. Let me just say that one more time. The research on FOMO found that fear of missing out runs highest in people whose basic psychological needs aren't being met. So needs like feeling competent, feeling connected, feeling in control of your own story. So if that's the case, FOMO is the loudest in people who feel unseen, unsure, or insecure. So when a leader is clawing to be in every meeting, the meeting isn't the thing. The meaning they've attached to being in the meeting is the thing. It's identity, it's insecurity. I need to be in the room because being in the room proves I matter. That's not a calendar problem. That's an internal problem wearing a calendar costume. So this episode isn't really about the invite. It's about why the invite never comes and why chasing it harder makes it worse. Because here it is. If your behavior has been inconsistent, if you represent some form of organizational risk, then understand this. If I view your inconsistency as a risk, I'm not going to take that risk. And this can be said for executive leaders and CEO. So again, I'm going to say it one more time. If I view, or if your CEO, if your executive views your inconsistency as a risk, they're not going to take that risk. They will not invite you. They will not include you. And they're not going to mitigate around you. They're going to avoid you altogether. No mitigation, just full avoidance. And again, this tracks with the decades of research on trust. The most cited model of trust in organizations from Roger Mayer and his colleagues says people decide whether to trust you based on three things: your ability, your benevolence, and your integrity. And buried inside integrity is consistency. Do your actions line up over time? Can I predict you? Tony Simmons at Cornell took it further with what he calls behavioral integrity, the alignment between your words and your actions. He studied this in the hotel industry, and here's what stunned people. Even small differences in how consistently leaders' actions match their words showed up in employee trust, in retention, and ultimately in the bottom line. Hotels where employees rated their managers as more consistent were meaningfully more profitable. Folks, consistency isn't a soft skill. I would like to say it's a financial line item. Yes, we all have mood swings. Yes, we all have hard days. Yes, we all have a thousand things swirling in our heads. But as leaders, how are you managing all of that so you can come to the table and do the leadership thing? You hear me say this often. That is the job. Daniel Goldman, the researcher who put emotional intelligence on the map, calls this self-management. And he ranks it as one of the core competencies that separates outstanding leaders from average ones. He also gave us the phrase amygdala hijack, that moment when the emotional part of your brain grabs the wheel before the thinking part can catch up. And you say the thing, send the email, blow up in the meeting. Golman's point and mine is that the hijack isn't the failure. Living unaware of your hijacks, letting them run your career, now that's the failure. It is not the room's responsibility to cater to your moods. It is not anyone's responsibility to manage you, but you. And if you can't manage yourself on the personal side, what makes you think you can do it on the professional side? There is a level of accountability here that sits with you and nobody else. So get your act together. Be in the meeting for the right reason. Show up, make your points, push back if you need to, and most importantly, be consistent. All right, so I sounded like I was preaching and coming down hard on you, but trust me, I'm preaching to the choir. So what do you do if you haven't done the introspective work? If you can't self-regulate when tension rises and the conversation gets contentious. So what do you do? Well, here's three things that I came up with. One, get a coach. And yes, that's a plug because you need someone who will walk you through who you are. And the way they walk you through that is by way of assessments. Tons of psychometric assessments are out there that can help explain who you are and why you show up the way you do. You need to understand your derailers. You need to understand your strengths. You need to understand how you were uniquely designed. And before you tell me, I already know myself, well, good for you, but let me hit you with one more piece of research. Organizational psychologist Tasha Yurik studied self-awareness across thousands of people. And she found that while 95% of people believe they're self-aware, only somewhere around, I believe, 10 to 15% actually are. So statistically, you are probably not as self-aware as you think you are. Hey, I'm not either. That's the whole point of the work. Most people don't know how or what to manage because they've never mapped it. In the professional setting, that mapping happens with a coach. In the personal setting, that's maybe a therapist, a life coach. Either way, self-assessment or self-awareness, rather, is the starting line. You have to know who you are. Okay, two, come prepared or pull back. Okay, you had a bad night. The kids were up. I can, this is me, this is my life. You know, but maybe your mom isn't doing well, your dad isn't doing well. Maybe you're not feeling well. If you are not ready to step in the ring, then don't get in the ring. Don't accept the meeting, knowing you're carrying all of that and can participate the way you want to. Decline and be okay with declining. But again, going back to my thought on professional FOMO, professional FOMO won't let some people do that. Again, remember what the research said FOMO predicts burnout, not performance. So they show up anyway with all the baggage and put the onus on the room to manage it. I feel like that's disrespectful. That is inconsiderate. And that is immature leadership. It is your responsibility to set it aside and be ready to go or sit that one out. And by the way, just in case anyone is thinking this, pulling back from a meeting you can contribute to isn't weakness. It's the most consistent thing you can do because you're protecting the version of you that people trust. All right, last one is to grade yourself after every meeting. Now, this may seem a little weird. I do it. I am weird, so there's that. But I believe after every meeting, if you take a moment and recap how you performed, and not performed as in performative, more so recap your thoughts, what was said, maybe reactions in the room, right? Your leadership skills show up in the tense moments, the hard moments, the moments where you have to disagree with someone publicly. And this isn't busy work. There is a well-known Harvard study where employees who spend just 15 minutes at the end of the day reflecting on what they learn outperform their peers by more than 20%. 15 minutes. We all have 15 minutes. 20 plus percent. So that being said, reflection is not a luxury, you can consider it a performance tool. So after the meeting, ask yourself, did I get my point across? Did I hold my composure when it got tense? What could I have done differently? That's my favorite one. And if something you said wasn't quite right, or maybe you want to make sure your point landed clearly, do a little outreach. And not the litigating the meeting again, not the meeting after the meeting, just outreach to make sure that you are clear on what was said. But after all of that, give yourself a grade. All right, let me bring this home. The science says your brain avoids what it can't predict. The science says workplace FOMO is a real fear of relational exclusion and it burns you out without making you better. The science says FOMO runs hottest in people whose sense of identity and belonging is running low. The science says trust is built on consistency, and consistency shows up in the bottom line. And lastly, the science says most of us are far less self-aware than we believe. Now, put all of that together, and here's the picture I'm seeing. The people chasing every meeting are chasing the wrong thing. The invite isn't the problem, the invite is the symptom, but consistency is the cure. So the next time you feel that pull, that FOMO, that need to be in the room, ask yourself the harder question. Is it about the work or is it about you? Folks, show up the same way every time, and the doors will start opening on their own. Hey, I hope this episode landed for you. If so, as always, I would love to hear from you. Reach out to me at Kim at the KPAdvisory Group.com. This is Leadership After Five, where leadership gets real. Take care, and I'll see you again in the next episode.