Episode 2 - It Doesn't Have to Work

When William learns the business doesn’t have to succeed, the plan shifts from survival to exploitation—and things escalate fast. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Based on Rock Meadows. Oh, you're getting the money. Wait, 40.

SPEAKER_07 0:08

40? Oh, Jesus Christ Christ. I didn't go give God in a diamond mine. Get really on a high hard one. Holy shit, it's a fucking old folks home.

SPEAKER_04 0:19

Hey, dude, we're trying. No, you're not. Harden, I'd like to tore a penthouse, sweet. Fucking Jagger.

SPEAKER_10 0:29

It appears if I was wrong.

SPEAKER_03 0:35

How long has he been sitting there?

SPEAKER_07 0:37

Since I got here.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

You left him here alone last night?

SPEAKER_07 0:41

He's a grown man.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

He paid you 49 million dollars. You're responsible for him now.

SPEAKER_07 0:48

Oh man. This is just what I wanted to avoid.

SPEAKER_08 0:52

You made 49 million in one night? Fuck you, dude.

SPEAKER_07 0:56

Yeah, now I'm responsible for someone's life. McJagger's no less.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

It's about time you joined us, Al.

SPEAKER_07 1:02

It was the first one here. I sent him on an errand. Did you get it? Yeah, right here. Well, go give it to him.

SPEAKER_03 1:11

What is that?

SPEAKER_07 1:12

A couple breakfast burritos from Taco Bell.

SPEAKER_03 1:14

You can't feed him that. Hey! I'm the dietitian here! At least unwrap them and put him on a plate.

SPEAKER_07 1:21

What do we have plates? Don't look at me. I got no blippin' idea.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

You're the dietitian, aren't you?

SPEAKER_08 1:31

Should we go talk to him? What the hell do you say to Mick Jagger? Good morning, Mick. Sleep well on your roll away cot.

SPEAKER_07 1:37

This is gonna be a disaster. I'm gonna give him his money back and end this before we get sued or accidentally kill him.

SPEAKER_08 1:44

Dude, it's$49 million. It's like three times what your grandfather left you. No, it's not! It's still a fuck of a lot of money. I'm not gonna let you do it.

SPEAKER_07 1:56

Are you gonna stop me?

SPEAKER_08 1:57

If you try to give him his money back, then yes, I will physically stop you.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Come on, he seemed pleasant enough yesterday. Go talk to him, Will.

SPEAKER_07 2:05

Hey, you coming with me? Sure! Let's go! You dummy Steph. Not feeling the love, Will! Not feeling it at all. Oh, oh, you you want to feel the love? Oh my god, you fucking asshole!

SPEAKER_02 2:24

What is it with you guys punching each other in the balls?

SPEAKER_07 2:27

I don't know. Sound that Tito started. That figures. Good morning, Mr. Jagger. Please call me Mick! Okay, Mick. Sorry about the delay with breakfast. Uh it should be out shortly.

SPEAKER_04 2:44

Okay. May I ask, where are the other residents?

SPEAKER_02 2:49

Well, actually, Mr. Jagger. Uh Mick, you're first.

SPEAKER_04 2:54

Really? Even with those brilliant penthouse sweets. You like them? I'm a huge fan of the minimalist look. Did Whistlethorpe design them for you?

SPEAKER_07 3:08

Uh no. Uh uh actually it was uh Glass Cock. Glasscock! Never heard of him. Yeah, yeah, uh Kev Bob. Kev Bob Glasscock. He's a local guy. Brilliant!

SPEAKER_04 3:30

Just brilliant!

SPEAKER_03 3:32

Good morning, Mr. Jagger. I have your breakfast!

SPEAKER_04 3:36

Please! Just make will do! Hmm. I've never had anything quite like this. It's delicious!

SPEAKER_09 3:46

Hi Mick, Sal Sariago, Rock Metter's dietitian. That'll help keep you regular as well. How did you know? It's a good dietitian's job to know these things.

SPEAKER_07 3:58

Hey, can I ask you something, Mick? Of course. How did you hear about us? The site only went live two days ago and we did no promotion.

SPEAKER_04 4:08

It was actually Robert who mentioned it. Robert? Plant! He was quite enthused by the whole idea. No family? Brilliant! Feel badly, I beat him here.

SPEAKER_08 4:23

That's fine, Mick. We have more sweets.

SPEAKER_04 4:26

That's good, because I believe Roger is interested as well.

SPEAKER_07 4:30

Roger?

SPEAKER_04 4:31

Doltree! From the Who!

SPEAKER_07 4:34

Oh my god. Excuse us, Mick. Hey guys, can I see you in my office?

SPEAKER_04 4:40

Just as well. Breakfast seems to be working already. Ooh my the nearest Lou?

SPEAKER_03 4:50

There's one right outside the yoga room.

SPEAKER_04 4:52

We have a yoga room?

SPEAKER_03 4:53

I'll show you the way, Mick.

SPEAKER_04 4:55

Thank you. You're all very kind. Launches 12 shots. Just as the price is right, concludes. Brilliant!

SPEAKER_07 5:08

You're all very kind. We're all a bunch of money grubbin' assholes. Speak for yourself, Kev Bob. We're never gonna be able to keep this up. What are we gonna do? Feed him fast food three times a day?

SPEAKER_08 5:22

He could stand to put on a few pounds.

SPEAKER_07 5:24

This is not funny, Tito! Calm down, Will. Did you hear what he said, Steph? He was expecting Robert Plant to be here already, and he thinks Roger fucking Doltree is coming too!

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Call Crispin! There's money put aside for this.

SPEAKER_09 5:39

Dude, she's right. You are real professionals? And we get the hell out of here. You already have more money than your grandfather left, you it all backfired on them because of my bloody brilliant idea.

SPEAKER_08 5:51

Okay. You're right.

SPEAKER_07 5:54

But Crispin. I don't want to be beholden to him. Steph, you think you can get online and find some staff?

SPEAKER_02 6:03

Absolutely. What are we actually looking for?

SPEAKER_07 6:06

I don't know, Google it. Like three of everything, right? Three eight-hour shifts. Because three times eight is twenty-four. Look at you doing the math in your head. Dude, we learned that in the third grade.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

He is so sweet. But we cannot keep giving him Taco Bell. He had to sprint the last couple steps. His cute little butt wiggling.

SPEAKER_08 6:32

Ugh, he's like 80.

SPEAKER_09 6:33

So Alright. I admit I was unprepared for this morning, but I'll step it up.

SPEAKER_07 6:39

Hire a cook too, Steph. Hey! I just said I'd step it up! Come on, Sal, this is way over your head. I cook all- You have to know how much food to order, and proper storage methods and work conditions have to be pristine and Yeah, Jesus, this is insane.

SPEAKER_08 6:56

I think we need to go room to room and make sure everything's okay. Check for any gaping holes in the floor or anything like that.

SPEAKER_07 7:02

Yeah, that's good, Tito. Yeah, make a list. We're gonna need tablets and computers. That's no problem. Hey, look, mixed money's already hit the account.

SPEAKER_03 7:11

Holy crap! Look at all those zeros!

SPEAKER_07 7:14

Here, take my card stuff and get whatever you need. Fuck that. Use Crispin's money for that shit. Nah. I don't want him to have a say in anything we do. And if we take that money, he's gonna be sticking his nose in our business consistently.

SPEAKER_03 7:28

You put the money in your personal account?

SPEAKER_07 7:30

I needed something fast.

SPEAKER_03 7:31

You got to take care of that. You need a business account.

SPEAKER_02 7:34

Okay, so it looks like we're going to need all sorts of nurses. Clinical nurse, a nurse navigator, a public health nurse.

SPEAKER_07 7:41

I don't want to hear about it, just do it.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

So listen, I need to run home and grab some things. I told Mick we'd do a stretching class at 10:30.

SPEAKER_07 7:49

Okay, that's cool. Yeah, keep him busy.

SPEAKER_03 7:51

We're gonna need some TVs for the lounges.

SPEAKER_08 7:53

And music. If we're gonna have a bunch of rock stars, we're gonna need music. Again, I don't want to hear about it, just get it done.

SPEAKER_07 7:59

By the way, Will, fuck you very much for the vote of confidence. Are you still on that, Sal? People go to school to learn how to run a kitchen. Like I said, fuck you very much.

SPEAKER_10 8:15

Jesus Christ. Where did they come from?

SPEAKER_02 8:24

What are we going to do with them? What are they all small white dogs?

SPEAKER_10 9:09

Wait your tongue like everybody else.

SPEAKER_06 9:12

Idiot. Is that Don Henley? Fuck you, Don Henley! Who's in charge here? I'm demanding to speak with whoever's in charge. Uh, that would be that would be me. Let's go. In the office. What a complete and total clusterfuck you have out there today. I'm sorry, Gene. Gene? Well, on a first name basis, did I miss something?

SPEAKER_07 9:33

I'm sorry, Mr.

SPEAKER_06 9:34

Back to a business agreement. And you're calling me G without a proper introduction? I'm not even sure I want to be in business with you yet, Mr Martin. William Martin. Mr. Simmons, uh it's nice to meet you. I'm sure it is. Tell me, Mr. Martin. Is this your plan for today? We were not expecting anything like this. We? So your entire staff is as dim-winned as you?

SPEAKER_07 9:58

I uh yes, and no. You know, the girls are actually pretty good.

SPEAKER_06 10:04

Yes, girls are pretty good, aren't they, Mr. Martin? How many suites are still available?

SPEAKER_07 10:08

Ah. Uh well, uh we've only rented one so far.

SPEAKER_06 10:13

Okay. I'll need one for myself and one for the Star Child.

SPEAKER_07 10:16

Uh you're taking two? 49 million each?

SPEAKER_06 10:23

God no. It'll be complimentary. Uh I'm sorry. Uh why would I do that? Because I'm gonna help you out with this mess. This will be how you show your gratitude.

SPEAKER_07 10:33

I admit we're off to a slow start, but uh uh Wait, nine plus nine is eighteen. Put down the eight and carry the one. A 98 million dollar discount?

SPEAKER_06 10:46

A slow start? Uh listen, William. Do you mind if I call you William? Look, I mean that's fine with me. You're the one bitching about first names. Okay then. We're not gonna be partners. Gene? We'll hammer that out later. Uh you have one resident? Uh uh. McGagger? Yeah, he showed up yesterday. Okay. I want his own. They're all the same. Just take one of the others. He had his choice, and he chose that one. So it must be the best. I'm not kicking him out. You seem a little understaffed. We're working on it. What kind of funds do you have on hand? That's none of your business. We're going to be partners, William. I must have access to such information. We're not gonna be partners, Gene. You have any requisition forms? What are they? Never mind. How many rooms are there?

SPEAKER_07 11:29

There are just over 200 rooms. 200? Okay. And then I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_06 11:35

This really is amateur hour, William. You do know this. Oh, well, that's because we are a bunch of amateurs, Gene! Okay, okay, relax, Master William. Please don't call me that. Seems natural. Okay. So it's agreed upon. Two sweets in exchange for my help. Uh we didn't agree on anything. And we'll start with, let's say, um a hundred kiss caskets. What am I gonna do with a hundred kiss caskets? I need to spell it out for you. And besides, they'll pay for themselves. How will they pay for themselves? Trust me, now. About moving Jagger out of his suite.

SPEAKER_07 12:09

I'm not doing that, Gene. And quite frankly, I find you to be really obnoxious, and I just I just want you to leave.

SPEAKER_06 12:15

Okay? That is your prerogative. Good day, William Martin. Oh crap. Gene? Now it's 150 kiss caskets.

SPEAKER_08 12:38

Here's the kerosene, Mr. Simmons.

SPEAKER_07 12:41

I don't think this is a good idea, Gene.

SPEAKER_06 12:42

You have a better one, William? Because if you do, I'm all ears closing. Hey, close it, close it. Jesus, tell me the plan again! It's simple. I'm gonna blow a 30-foot ball of fire over their heads, which will send everyone scary for the exits. Then we lock them out.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

Won't that cause a panic?

SPEAKER_08 13:04

Maybe. I like our odds. So do I.

SPEAKER_07 13:08

Okay then. Let's do this. Yes.

SPEAKER_09 13:16

You ready, Jin? Light the torch. Open the door.

SPEAKER_08 13:26

Holy shit.

SPEAKER_07 13:28

Oh my god, that was huge!

SPEAKER_06 13:30

What the fuck, Jim? We have to get out of here.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

There's another door! Somebody else! Oh my god!

SPEAKER_03 13:57

Come on, get away from the door so everyone can get out.

SPEAKER_08 14:02

Where's Sal? Has anyone seen Sal?

SPEAKER_01 14:05

I thought he was right behind me. Look, it's Sal. What's he carrying? Help him, you guys. What happened to you, Sal? I just saved this dog.

SPEAKER_08 14:16

He's so cool. That's your dog. I think it's Rod Stewart. Can I keep him well? Over here. Yeah, we need oxygen over here. Dass Simons! Welcome to the jungle, Prince!

SPEAKER_10 14:29

Else bells, mate. Are you trying to kill us?

SPEAKER_06 14:34

Quiet! Quiet! You know, that room was filling with noxious fumes from all the hairspray and the toxic drugs emanating from your beings. I purposefully ignited it seconds before tragedy, therefore, dispensing under danger. You people should be thanking me. Secondly, what the hell are you doing here, Axel Rose? This is the senior home.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Put you in, charge!

SPEAKER_06 14:57

Yes, Simmons. Who the hell do you think you are? Fuck you, Vince Neal. I'm telling you right now, there is no way the two of you are staying. The thought of walking in on a shirtless pie eating contest sickens me. Gather your picky basket and get the hell out of here.

SPEAKER_05 15:11

Bow Bow Bow Bow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just about heard all I want to hear from you today, Simmons. I suggest you walk that way. Shibity bow. Bow bow bow. And don't stop. Bow bow bow.

SPEAKER_06 15:34

Have no beef with you, Stephen Tyler. Just shut your mouth and go stand over there with the rest of the loose. Go to hell, Simmons!

SPEAKER_00 15:44

I'm telling you right now, Simmons. Me and the news, we ain't going nowhere until we get our rooms. Are you kidding me? Rooms? You're lucky if you get any room, Huey Lewis, and the news.

SPEAKER_06 15:55

Probably in the basement.

SPEAKER_07 15:57

This is nuts, dude.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

Why aren't they pissed at us? It's really our fault.

SPEAKER_07 16:02

Gene's taking the heat for us. Why would he do that? Because I gave him two suites to help us out. You did what? Hey, it's my fucking golf. How are we dividing these rooms up, Simmons?

SPEAKER_06 16:14

Tomorrow when the Star Child arrives, he and I will sit down and decide who gets a room in Gene, we need to form a committee or something. If you give into them now, they'll walk all over you forever.

SPEAKER_07 16:30

No, it doesn't have to be that way. Hello? Hello, everyone! My name is William Martin. And I am the owner here at Rock Meadows. Uh cluster fuck you all walked into today. We had no I and I and I mean no idea that anything like this was going to happen. I promise you that we will do better moving forward. So I think it would be best if we form a selection committee to help fairly distribute our available rooms. So let's say it's me, Gene. Was he on the committee? This is a joke, right?

SPEAKER_05 17:39

Dude, look like a lady!

SPEAKER_07 17:42

Wait, what? Is he talking to me? Listen, please. Listen, please. If you give me the chance. Thank you. Gene is part of management here.

SPEAKER_01 18:01

And will remain here. He will also be serving up the money to this is crazy.

SPEAKER_07 18:10

I'm not young of this. Let them shout themselves out. Who's through that? Keep from over here. Who's through that?

SPEAKER_03 18:19

Come on, Little. Let's get out of here. We can go to the back of the building.

SPEAKER_10 18:23

No, I can't stay out here. Man, you're making a one stupid decision after the place is never gonna work.

SPEAKER_07 18:31

Uh oh, yeah?

SPEAKER_10 18:33

I'm Don Hammond. And if you're working with Simmons, you must be as big of a fool as well.

SPEAKER_06 18:43

Fuck you, Don Henley.

SPEAKER_07 18:50

Where there's a will and 49 million dollars, there's a way.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

How did you get all this done in one week?

SPEAKER_07 18:56

Here I call the sweetie to order. Piss on Drew Carey.

SPEAKER_04 19:02

Oh, mother. I don't want to go to church.

SPEAKER_06 19:12

Matt Sinn Asale. Trina Duhart plays Seth. Christina Roxy is Kim. Seth Armstrong is Tito. John White plays Big Jagger. Alan Cabay plays Rob Halford and Don Henley. Desmond Love Child is Gene Simmons. Dick Benfa plays by Axel Rose. Brandon Wall is Vince Neal. And Brad Storm is Steven Tyler.