Episode 5 - The Inmates are Running the Aslyum

Rock Meadows Episode 5 — The Inmates are Running the Asylum 

William never gave much thought to this whole idea, and now it's showing.

It's become a full-scale disaster.

For the second straight week they're paid a visit by a music industry titan, and for the second straight week, it doesn't go as planned.

Dark comedy.
Classic rock attitude.
Strong language.

“Old-time radio with a rock and roll mouth.”

New episodes every Wednesday.

#RockMeadows #AudioDrama #ClassicRock #DarkComedy #ComedyPodcast #AudioFiction

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

My god, Dolly. Get a good look, Mr. Demon! They're likely to be the last ones you'll ever see. I'm not sure he's breathing. Come on, John Fogarty. You can do better than that. I don't understand why I'm in a class with a bunch of level threes and fours.

SPEAKER_09 0:22

I'll cut off John Fogarty, I wish you. You told the Jago's John Fogarty. You going to deny it? I was breaking up a fight, Sal.

SPEAKER_06 0:32

Get out. This was supposed to be a joke. You know, we outwitted Crispin, and we were going to play music and party and just hang out. Just the five of us.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

No one saw this coming, Will. Sal's still not answering.

SPEAKER_06 0:47

Nope. Go straight to voicemail.

SPEAKER_03 0:49

I texted him like five times. He knows we want to talk. He just needs some time to cool down.

SPEAKER_06 0:55

I feel terrible the way this turned out. I just got swept up in everything.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Don't apologize for that, Will. You've done an amazing job here.

SPEAKER_03 1:03

Really? It doesn't feel like it. You've made like a half billion dollars.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

And you're employing close to 150 people.

SPEAKER_06 1:12

It all sounds good, but you know, Sal and I go back to first grade. I just let them bully me into tossing him out.

SPEAKER_16 1:21

I'm his mother. I don't need an appointment. William, darling. How is my boy?

SPEAKER_06 1:30

Mom? What are you doing here?

SPEAKER_18 1:32

There's my boy. I hear you're doing quite well for yourself out here. Tell everyone you're a chip off the old block. Don't I tell them that, Babs?

SPEAKER_06 1:43

Mother, there's something on the sofa over there. What's going on? Why why is everyone here?

SPEAKER_16 1:49

Isn't it possible? We just wanted to see our tall, handsome, successful son at work.

SPEAKER_06 1:56

Well, I guess it's possible. Doubtful, but possible. We're poking him. Is it really a person? What get away from me, Vinny Vincent? William! You allow the homeless to sleep on your sofa. He's not homeless.

SPEAKER_09 2:12

What the hell is this? I need you to respect my privacy, William. It's your choice to sleep in my office, Gene.

SPEAKER_18 2:18

Hey, fella, could you mosey along and get us some coffee? Maybe an extra ten in it if you can find me one of them banana muffins. Oh god, I love them things. Uh, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_09 2:30

I didn't get your name.

SPEAKER_18 2:32

Charlie. Charlie Martin. I'm Willie's daddy. No. Fuck you, Charles Martin. What did you say to me, you pasted doughboy?

SPEAKER_00 2:42

Hello. Can I have everyone's attention, please? My name is Susan Kraft, and I am a senior forensic investigator representing the Southwest region of the Internal Revenue Service. I have here a subpoena signed by Judge Franklin Fields for all computers, files, and phone records associated with the LLC Colonel Paco, operating as Rock Meadows.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

You name the corporation Colonel Paco? So I would have loved that. I'm sorry. Who are you?

SPEAKER_00 3:12

I am Susan Kraft, Senior Forensic.

SPEAKER_06 3:15

Yeah, yeah, but why are you here?

SPEAKER_00 3:17

I have here a subpoena for all financial documentation relating to Colonel Paco Inc. I have also been authorized to freeze all bank accounts relating to Colonel Paco Inc. and all of its subsidiaries.

SPEAKER_18 3:31

Master William! You must keep your finances separate from your parents, and do not give them any. Oh. Well. It appears I'm a little late.

SPEAKER_06 3:45

Someone explain to me what the hell is happening.

SPEAKER_16 3:48

Them government folks seem to think that perhaps there's a possibility that maybe Oh, your father and grandfather have been doctoring the books for years, and it's finally caught up with them. Well, your father.

SPEAKER_18 4:03

None of that is admissible in court, y'all. You can't make a testify against me. You ain't trendin' on my rights, sweetheart.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

I am just here for the items listed on the warrant. They've kicked us out of our home, Will!

SPEAKER_15 4:17

And taken my diamond mine. We were thinking that perhaps we could live in one of your suites until this is all settled.

SPEAKER_09 4:27

Those suites cost 49 million! And besides, we're full. Well, there is one nobody's using. You're not you're not referring to mine, are you?

SPEAKER_06 4:37

You haven't even been in it! You bathe in my sink, you sleep on my couch.

SPEAKER_09 4:41

Err, I was I was just gonna go up and use it, I swear.

SPEAKER_05 4:44

What a what a weird coincidence, huh? Excuse me. I got a COD here for 300 kiss caskets? Who do I see about that? 300? God damn it, Gene! What? This was part of our deal. 300! Where are we even gonna put them? You got a forklift, right? We're a nursing home. We don't have a forklift! Well, how are you planning on unloading six tractor trailers full of coffins? And I'm gonna need a check before anything happens. There. Right there. See that guy?

SPEAKER_06 5:15

Pay the man, partner! All my accounts have been frozen!

SPEAKER_09 5:19

Pay 'em? For my own coffins? That would be terrible business. You know. Fuck you, Gene.

SPEAKER_08 5:30

This place is ripe for the taken. I'm telling you, the time to act is now. Axel's right. It's chaos inside that office. Word is they sit around reminiscing about shitting themselves!

SPEAKER_09 5:45

Well, I skip myself halfway through 18 and left to go. My crime was to crap salads. Man, I knew something was off. No, no!

SPEAKER_02 5:55

Don't you dim witch get it?

SPEAKER_08 5:57

We don't sit around talking about shitting ourselves! Are you stupid? Hey, uh, Vince, you may want to take down a notch too. I can only take so much, Axel! God damn it, Rudy Sarzo! Those potted plants are not your private urinal! Seriously, what is wrong with you people? What Vince means to say is changes are coming to Rock Meadows, and when they do where's everyone going?

SPEAKER_04 6:27

You're losing them! People! Get back here!

SPEAKER_07 6:30

Where the hell?

SPEAKER_04 6:30

Damn it! Stop right there, D-Snyder!

SPEAKER_08 6:34

Shit, you fucking ass chip. D-Snyder just called you a fucking ass chip! That's kinda hurt! Uh, I felt that one in the gut. Like eating through a gastric banding. I don't feel so good. I'm gonna go float a trout! Yeah, this TMI! Go! How wait? Hey, how did it go, Axel? Oh, hey Sal, uh not that great. Everyone walked out on us. Let's go next door. They have a full house of the poetry reading. Yeah. I I don't know. Vince isn't here here I am. You're back already. Yeah, I walked it off. Come on, guys. Let's go to the other room and talk to them. We need to get these people behind us, or it's useless to even attempt to take the place over. I don't know. I I I think we should just wait. Come on! There's twice as many people over there. Ah, he doesn't want to go because Van Morrison is there. That has nothing to do with it. What's wrong with Van Morrison? Axel is afraid of him! I'm not afraid of him. He's just really mean to me. It's okay, Axel. I'll protect you. Fuck you, Vince! Come on, if we're gonna go, let's go. How's he mean to you? Oh, the stupid stuff. He sticks his finger in my pudding, pinches my belly rolled, trips me in front of the girls. Really? What a dick.

SPEAKER_12 8:13

Wooly bully. Wooly bully? Wooly bully.

SPEAKER_13 8:24

Thank you that was uh so deep, man. Yeah. Next we have Claw Lina with a selection from rock you like a bird.

SPEAKER_10 9:01

She's dead.

SPEAKER_13 9:18

Thank you, Claw. Wow.

SPEAKER_17 9:27

Next we have actual roster, Moink. That's one's gonna match if I make his ass shut us.

SPEAKER_08 9:34

Who asked you, man, Morrison? This is your chance. Go up there and tell them we can get rid of Simmons and the rest of them, but we need their help. Nah, he's just gonna make fun of me. Screw van Morrison! Just ignore him!

SPEAKER_17 9:49

Axel? Not coming up, Axel. I'll go ahead and just start then. Axel goes. If everyone can actually monicate, you're like the soy. Look at this!

SPEAKER_08 10:10

Axel, ignore him! That's not why we're here. Focus. Go up there and tell them how their lives will change without Simmons, without Tyler, without the Star Child. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I can do that. I know you can. Now go get 'em.

SPEAKER_17 10:29

Oh, look, here he comes. You know you'd make an attractive lesbian in a right lighting, you would. Go sit down, man. Hello, everyone.

SPEAKER_08 10:40

For those of you who don't know me, I'm still rose, and I'd like to talk to you about the way things are run here at Rock Memos.

SPEAKER_17 10:47

Uh, an oyster before next, but a four extra. But come, come on.

SPEAKER_08 10:53

Just let me sit in peace and I'll leave. Okay? Oh, leave.

SPEAKER_04 11:02

Holy crap, did you hear that? Von Morrison flicked him right in the forehead.

SPEAKER_17 11:07

These four folk have come to hear poetry. Not sure rablings. Yes, so a couple of minutes and talking about it. You know what? You're just a bully, Mr. Marson.

SPEAKER_08 11:37

Oh, what's a poetry? What's a poetry? Mr. Morrison at the bathhouse looking for some fun. Found himself a brown eye, but there was only one. Because it was a butthole, you outreach a crap.

SPEAKER_17 11:55

That's song. There's my money maker. Axel Rosia, don't mess with a man's money maker. You shouldn't have gone there. You shouldn't have gone there. This isn't over. Get up there, Vince. Help us. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_04 12:13

Listen up, everyone! If we can hang out together as a group, I really think we can overthrow the current dictatorship and install our own.

SPEAKER_08 12:29

This is a minute. No. There's going to be changes coming. Big changes. And when they do, can we count on your support? Thank you. We're gonna let you get back to your poetry readings now.

SPEAKER_13 12:48

Okay, folks. Next up please welcome Dennis D.

SPEAKER_08 12:54

That was really good, guys. Really good. So glad you're willing to fuck your friends over like this, Sal. They started it. Not me. You really put Van Morrison in his place! Somebody had to do it.

SPEAKER_09 13:07

Oh screw you. Tommy put you up to destinity.

SPEAKER_08 13:12

You don't think he's mad, do you? He's pissed, dude! Damn it! Fuck Van Morrison!

SPEAKER_06 13:22

Please just get here as soon as you can. Thank you. God, if it's not one thing, it's another. What now? Apparently there's no water pressure in the building. It's like everyone flushed at once.

SPEAKER_09 13:36

I could care less. I want to know what the hell you think you're pulling here, William. Putting your family in my suite? I want my 49 million dollars back. You never gave me any money, Gene!

SPEAKER_06 13:45

You really are delusional. Regardless, you now owe me. Oh, on top of the 300 kiss coffins currently sitting out back in the weather? They're rot! The rot? They're meant to be buried in the earth. It's different. It's different. Being buried is worse!

SPEAKER_07 14:03

Worse than Gene's solo album?

unknown 14:05

Haha!

SPEAKER_07 14:06

Is that even possible? Fuck you, Stephen Tyler! I was thinking about making a solo album. Never found the time. Solo albums are like a good fart!

SPEAKER_09 14:15

You're the only one who's gonna enjoy it. That is voile, mate. Woo! But we all know it's true, people.

SPEAKER_04 14:21

I made a pretty good solo album, the Joe Perry Project. Never heard of it. Come on! Let the music do the talkin'? No. No. Doesn't ring a bell.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

Let the music do the talkin'!

SPEAKER_09 14:36

That's enough of that! I don't want your throat exploding all over me.

SPEAKER_07 14:39

What the hell do you want? With all the defections to Yacht Rock Manor, we have some vacancies to fill. Hey, let's do this later, guys.

SPEAKER_09 14:48

Do you always walk in a pack? This is like the fifth time you've walked in here together and interrupted our business.

SPEAKER_19 14:54

We were just coming back from a jam session. A jam session? Yeah, we get together every day for a little while. That Mike Sal, who you fired, suggested it.

SPEAKER_04 15:04

Last one has like a billion views on YouTube.

SPEAKER_09 15:07

But but who's playing bass? Woo! I told you he'd get his card in a while if we didn't have him.

SPEAKER_04 15:13

Who bloody cares? Uh let's see, uh uh Billy Sheehan, Michael Anthony. Uh Tommy sat in there one night. Uh, Getty Getty Lee? I once promised to teach him Detroit Rock City.

SPEAKER_09 15:27

You could never figure that out. Yeah, I'm sure. Fuck you, Joe Perry. I'm basically responsible to feed and clothe you people, and I got nothing but grief for it.

SPEAKER_07 15:36

I can dress myself.

SPEAKER_09 15:37

That's debatable! Woo, Gene, you're laughing out. Not everything's about you. Two, Star Child?

SPEAKER_07 15:44

I'm not sure we could fit your head on the stage with us, so let's just call this meeting to order.

SPEAKER_09 15:49

Fuck you, Rob Halford. I have no desire to jam with the likes of you. I'll wait for Paige and Planton. And maybe McCartney. McCartney plays bass. He'll play piano if he knows what's good for him.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

Are you threatening a level one, Simmons?

SPEAKER_09 16:02

I am level one. And don't you forget it, Stephen Tyler. Gene, calm down. You're getting already. I don't need this, you know. I might just buy all the rooms and kick everybody out.

SPEAKER_19 16:11

You can have mine for 60 million.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

You paid 49 million two weeks ago. Mine's available for 75 mil! You know what? Fuck all of you.

SPEAKER_14 16:20

I'd like to make a suggestion, if I may. This group is so fractured, I believe a trip to Mother Africa would be very beneficial. I'm currently planning a full excursion. Have any of you been?

SPEAKER_09 16:32

Shut the fuck up, Bono.

SPEAKER_13 16:34

Excuse me, William? David Grohl is here.

SPEAKER_09 16:38

David Grohl, send him in. It'll be fresh you have a conversation with a legitimate rock star. The rest of you wannabes? Get the hell out of here!

SPEAKER_08 16:51

There he is! How are you doing, Gene? David, my friend! It's so good to see you! I heard some disturbing rumors about your health, and I had to come see for myself. You look uh Okay. Okay. Did the Olsen twins only look okay? Actually, they got really weird looking, but seriously, how are you? I heard you were spitting up blood for like an hour before anyone realized it wasn't an act. Ridiculous.

SPEAKER_09 17:21

It was nothing of the sort. I was a little dehydrated, and Dolly Parton was here. From all the drooling?

SPEAKER_08 17:26

Excuse me? Were you dehydrated from all the drooling? Because, you know, the Dolly was here. Please don't interrupt when I'm speaking, David. Sorry, Gene. It's just that you know, I'm used to everyone kissing my ass. It's actually refreshing to have someone not afraid to. Yes? Sorry. Go ahead. This is why you never jump for Kiss, you know. Really? I was led to believe it was because of my choice of stage character. Not at all.

SPEAKER_09 17:59

We love Michael Jordan. There was some concern about your makeup. Are you kidding me? David Grohl almost joined KISS? I forgot you were here. David. This is William Martin, a business associate.

SPEAKER_08 18:11

William, nice to meet you, man.

SPEAKER_06 18:13

Oh man, I can't believe you're here! I'm a huge, huge fan!

SPEAKER_08 18:18

Thank you. It's always nice to hear.

SPEAKER_06 18:20

I mean, you can add up all the other stars that are here, and they don't equal one David Grohl. Well, I I wouldn't go that far, William. Come on, Gene. If my parents had been cool, they would have listened to Kiss. I grew up with Nirvana and the Foo Fighters. God, I wish Sal was here. Why? So he can beat David about the head with some object? Sal was put into a lousy spot. And his employment status is far from settled, Gene.

SPEAKER_08 18:46

Sounds like I walked in on some family drama. Ooh, that is a beautiful gun.

SPEAKER_09 18:52

You like this? Dolly Parton gave this to me personally. And it's not a gun. It's a shotgun. Cool! When did you become such a gun expert, Gene? It's innate. Please don't do that, Gene. You don't think I know how to handle a firearm? I'm practically massad! You know, David could probably help you out of your current financial crisis. No way you're going to, Gene! Any future litigation will be fruitless if I start lending you money. What what what kind of litigation?

SPEAKER_08 19:21

Guys, guys, guys, guys, I don't want anybody fighting over money, okay? How much do you need, William? I'm not taking your money, David. Gene, how much does the kid need?

SPEAKER_09 19:32

Twenty, thirty million. Done. Now you two can drop all this. Now you can pay some of those older invoices, William.

SPEAKER_06 19:38

You're gonna hand over 30 million? But just like that?

SPEAKER_08 19:42

Hey, if Gene says you guys need it, you got it, okay? Always.

SPEAKER_06 19:47

I had no idea you two were so close. Is there some sort of story there?

SPEAKER_08 19:53

David Oh, come on, Gene. You never let me tell anyone.

SPEAKER_09 19:57

Let's keep it that way. Nah, come on, I gotta hear it now. It's no one business to me. Fuck that. Go ahead, David. Gene? Oh go ahead, what difference does it make? No one listens to me anyway.

SPEAKER_08 20:11

Uh Gene visited us when we were recording. Never mind. We had just about the whole thing done, but we needed one more song.

SPEAKER_09 20:20

It was a brilliant recording. Kurt was so good, and of course David is an outstanding drummer, and and the other guy was there. So in the moment, I decided to give them a song I was working on.

SPEAKER_08 20:30

Mm-hmm. I'll never forget the first time you sang it to us.

SPEAKER_06 20:34

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Gene wrote a song on Nevermind, you've gotta be shitting me.

SPEAKER_09 20:40

Not at all. The song was entitled Smells Like Teen Finger.

SPEAKER_06 20:45

No way! You are fucking blowing my mind!

SPEAKER_08 20:48

Gene wrote Smells Like Teen Spirit? No, he wrote Smells Like Teen Finger. You remember any of the lyrics, Gene? I feel stupid.

SPEAKER_09 20:57

And you slay us. Smell my finger. Then phalate us. Yeah. They were almost the lyrics? They still are when I hear the song. I can't understand what the hell Cobain's saying, so I just sing my own.

SPEAKER_04 21:12

Motherfucking! Did you start gonna cool on the shit?

SPEAKER_09 21:17

No, I didn't.

SPEAKER_04 21:20

No, it's not. Five!

SPEAKER_06 21:26

Holy shit! Now you shut him in the other shit!

SPEAKER_04 21:29

No, I didn't you son of a bitch! I'm gonna You have me!

SPEAKER_09 21:36

I'm gonna fill it out! Oh, whatever. Never mind.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

Next time.

SPEAKER_09 21:42

Oh Rock Meadows.

SPEAKER_02 21:46

Next of chance, guys. Moving the timetable up. Like now.

SPEAKER_03 21:50

If I made a chance.

SPEAKER_17 21:52

So you may not. You really just want to headbutt me. It'd have a broken nose if we really want to turn.

SPEAKER_09 22:02

Rock Meadows featuring Dan McCrae as Crispin. Axel Clauser is the beatnik announcer. Josh Portillo as David Grohl. Clay Condal as Angus Young. Colt Parson as Bono. Ben Gray as Joe Perry. Alan Gabay as Rob Halford. Brad Storm as Steven Tyler. Flip Bouvet as the Star Child. Desmond Love Child is Gene Simmons. Brad Taller plays Van Morrison. Brandon Walls as Vince Neal. Big Benva as Axel Rose. Tatty Donnelly is the Livyman and Klaus Minor. Daniel Fliller plays both Thott and Susan Kraft. Sass Clyde is Willie's mom. Elliot Train is Willie's dad. Colin Payne is Willie. Seth Armstrong as Tito. Christina Roxy as Kim. Trina Duhart as Steph. And Matt Sint as Sal.