Episode 6 - I Can't Do This Anymore

Rock Meadows is a full-cast audio drama about a luxury retirement home built exclusively for aging rock stars.

In Episode 6, the Rock Meadows selection committee spirals into chaos as Joan Jett arrives to Gene's dismay.  Elsewhere, Tito begins uncovering something suspicious involving Vince and Axle.

Old-time radio with a rock and roll mouth.

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#audiodrama #classicrock #comedy #podcast #rockmeadows

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:03

Beating up the first time when we had the chance.

SPEAKER_14 0:06

That's the same excuse you used before. So get out. This was supposed to be a joke. We outwitted Crispin.

SPEAKER_12 0:13

And we were going to play music and party and just hang out. Just the five of us. You've made like a half billion dollars.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

And you're employing close to 150 people. William, darling.

SPEAKER_06 0:27

How is my boy?

SPEAKER_14 0:29

Mom? Get away from me, Vinny Vincent! If you look at it that way, it'll actually benefit David in the long run. Woo! You make a strong case, Gene. You're you're really dragging that foot lately. You should have that checked out. Woo! I did. 50 years of seven and things have given the star child a severe case of hammer toe. Hammer toe? At least it sounds cool. It does, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Gene he's got a gun! Shut the hell up, Stephen Tyler! His hair is in a bunch! You won't let me wear bloody studs, but you can shape Able's legs off! Fuck you, Rob Halford!

SPEAKER_04 1:11

Poor guy's gonna be disabled for the rest of his life.

SPEAKER_14 1:14

No, he is abled. This will open up a whole new world for him. Without his shins, his other senses will be heightened. That makes no sense! Sure it does. His smell will be better, hearing improved, taste elevated. And I hear shinless sex is amazing. Where the hell did you hear that? I hear things, okay? Now shut the fuck up, Joe Perry. Alright, guys. You'll all be happy to hear the gun is gone. Shotgun.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

Shotgun? What are you some sort of bloody munitions, X-Ma Simmons? You can say that.

SPEAKER_04 1:48

It's not my fault it had a hair trigger. Hair trigger.

SPEAKER_09 1:56

Trigger out of hair?

SPEAKER_03 1:57

I must admit, I'm impressed with your knowledge of weaponry, Simmons. Maybe it's not a bad idea. We have some sort of uh No, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_14 2:06

We are all safer when Gene is unarmed. Do you know who's safer when I'm unarmed? America's enemies, that's who. Well, for the time being, we're just going to let the military handle it, okay?

SPEAKER_11 2:17

Excuse me, Will. Joan Jet is here.

SPEAKER_14 2:19

Thanks, Steph. Send her in. What the hell is going on here, William? Rob's time is up on the board and his replacement is here. How is that possible when I haven't chosen him yet? God, you're such a dick!

SPEAKER_01 2:32

What's up, motherfuckers? Holy shit, I thought Josewitt was dead. Oh, you know who I am. I heard all about your little tell Joan Jet to learn a pretty court joke.

SPEAKER_14 2:42

Did you take my advice? Oh ho ho ho ho!

SPEAKER_04 2:45

He bent you there, mate. Wicked burn!

SPEAKER_03 2:49

Ow! And uh it's Suzanne Summers who's dead, by the way. What? Suzanne Summers died! Not Joyce DeWitt! Joke was five minutes ago, Stephen Tyler. Try to keep up.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

I heard you've been having some health problems, Gene. Tell me, how many fingers am I holding on?

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Ha ha ha ha! One on each hand! That's two, buddy!

SPEAKER_14 3:11

What a brilliant addition this lassiel, mate! Huh. Looks like you chew your fingernails. Is that nerves of dinner?

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Fuck you, Simmons. Where do I sit?

SPEAKER_05 3:21

Ah, I suppose you take my chance. Before I leave, I'd just like to say I've enjoyed my time here on the committee. I'm especially proud of the pickled egg band. Wait!

SPEAKER_09 3:35

I'm done!

SPEAKER_14 3:37

I can't do this anymore! What do you mean you're done, Bono? You fought like hell for that seat! All that crap about ensuring the facility's future? Yeah, we're out was the phone.

SPEAKER_09 3:50

I saw this.

SPEAKER_08 3:52

What is it? Sullivan elephant I could befriended. I wanna pay many, many trips to the continent. Have any of you been? Get on with it, Mono. Well it seems Sullivan is no longer with us.

SPEAKER_09 4:15

The poachers get him! No. Sullivan has succumbed to the number one killer of animals on the continent! And I can no longer sit on this board while these injustices continue! I must go to Africa where I have been many times.

SPEAKER_03 4:34

And fight for these noble creatures! Your dedication is refreshing and inspirational. Let me know where I can send a check.

SPEAKER_04 4:42

Yeah, man. Me too. Good luck fighting this shit. Uh by the way, what is the number one killer of animals in Africa? Congestive heart failure. Are you telling me this fucking elephant died of old age?

SPEAKER_14 4:56

You, sir, are cold and high. You went to Africa to fight old age? Get the hell out of here! I will not be Go to Africa and fight old age. Go! Now I am too proud of the pickled egg band! Ow! Get the hell out of here, Bono! It's Bono! Ow! Bogo, Bobo, Big Toe, whatever the hell your name is. Go! The shit I put up with around here. Oh, oh! Oh, and yes, I have been. I went on a safari. We had it from a helicopter with explosives. It was tremendous.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

Wow. Nice welcome. No wonder you guys never get anything done around here.

SPEAKER_14 5:39

What do you know about what happened here? You're in over your head, Joan Jet! You have nothing in common with us.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

I shit myself on Sunday night football.

SPEAKER_14 5:48

Okay. She's in.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

I don't like it, Tito. Axel and Vince have been way too quiet lately.

SPEAKER_13 6:00

Yeah, you notice the two? They're forever whispering and nodding. It was better when they hated each other. We're sour here. He'd see right through their bullshit.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Still no word from him?

SPEAKER_13 6:10

Nah, he must really be pissed. Christ, just what we need. Hey Dot.

SPEAKER_06 6:16

Oh, hey. You?

SPEAKER_13 6:18

It's Tito. You know, the guy who's been hanging with your brother for like 20 years now.

SPEAKER_06 6:23

You've been banging my brother for 20 years?

SPEAKER_13 6:27

No, hanging with an H.

SPEAKER_06 6:30

I know, silly. You take things too seriously. Frito!

SPEAKER_13 6:35

Tito.

SPEAKER_06 6:36

Tito? And I wanna say Shakita? Kim. Kim! That's what I was gonna say next. So, what do you do for fun around here?

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Well, we work. So, not a whole lot of fun happening. Gross.

SPEAKER_13 6:55

Speaking of work, you know, you could chip in a little.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

Oh, Frito! You're always so funny.

SPEAKER_13 7:02

It's Tito! Dumb bitch.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

How's Will going to make payroll with all of his accounts frozen?

SPEAKER_13 7:10

No idea. He has Crispin coming over later to help figure it out. Hopefully he's got some answers for him.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

Now that is trouble.

SPEAKER_13 7:18

What the hell is Dot doing talking to Axel and Vince?

SPEAKER_00 7:21

And why is she laughing like that? This can't be good. Okay, it's time to start this class. Should we tell Will about this?

SPEAKER_13 7:31

Not yet. I'll keep an eye on them.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Okay, I'll see you in a while. Good morning, everyone! Does everybody have their walking shoes on? We're going to go down the hallway, then outside and around the building. It's a beautiful day.

SPEAKER_13 7:48

Morning, Mr. Townsend. Good morning, Ms. Wilson. Psst. Over here. Hey Kevin, how's it going? Oh, just rolling with the changes. Get it? Rollin' with the changes? Oh yeah. Because you're in a wheelchair. Good one. Psst. Over here. For the last time, Mike Reno. I'm not interested in your custom headband, so leave me the hell alone. What's this? Read it. Just tell me. I can't be seen talking to you. By who? Just read the damn note. Hey, Mikey! What's going on, your buddy? Oh, I uh what's up, Axel? Hey, Vince. What's up, Mike? How you doing, Tito? I'm good. Wondering what you guys are up to. Us? We're not up to anything. Are we, Mikey? No. I mean, what would you be up to, right? Are these the Nimrods you were afraid would see us talking? Haha, what are you talking about, Tito? He's always joking around. Then why the note? This note? Hey, give that back.

SPEAKER_14 8:54

Let's see what we have here. Hold on. Let me get my readers. Buy one headband, get the second half off!

SPEAKER_13 9:03

Asshole? That wasn't yours.

SPEAKER_14 9:05

Asshole! Let me remind you of something, Tito. You work for us. We pay your salary.

SPEAKER_13 9:14

Will pays my salary.

SPEAKER_14 9:15

And where do you think he gets the money, genius? Now I want an apology and I want it now!

SPEAKER_13 9:21

I apologize for calling you an asshole, Vince.

SPEAKER_14 9:25

I'm not sure he was sincere. Do you think he was sincere, Axel?

SPEAKER_13 9:29

Well, it's the best you're gonna get.

SPEAKER_14 9:30

I don't think he was sincere at all.

SPEAKER_12 9:33

I think it was total bullshit.

SPEAKER_13 9:35

You know, why don't we wait a couple of minutes till the class gets back from their walk and I'll apologize in front of everybody?

SPEAKER_12 9:41

Sounds good to me.

SPEAKER_13 9:43

I hope Van Morrison got his new orthopedic sneakers. He'll be in no mood for nonsense like this otherwise. You know, now that I think about it, we should probably be leaving. That's what I thought. I'm watching you two. Come on, let's go, Mike. He's staying with us. Mike? You want to stay with them? Yeah, yeah, I I probably should. Whatever. I've wasted more time than I should have already.

SPEAKER_12 10:08

What did the note really say, Vince?

SPEAKER_13 10:11

I'm sorry, guys. I thought.

SPEAKER_12 10:13

That we're trying to take the place over with Sal.

SPEAKER_13 10:16

Ow, Mikey.

SPEAKER_14 10:18

Mikey, Mikey. Guys, just wait. You don't understand. Grab him, Vince, and let's get out of here. Before Van Morrison shows up, I'm not afraid of him. Where the hell have you guys been? Hey, Sal. Don't give me that. We're cleaning up messes. That's where we've been! Ben! Things have changed, guys. We're moving the timetable up to like now. That's great. Let's get out of here. Van Morrison? Yeah, I'm not afraid of him.

SPEAKER_07 10:52

What am I gonna do, Crispin? Well, the easiest solution, as we discussed in private earlier, would be to let Mr. Simmons temporarily.

SPEAKER_14 11:03

Oh, next idea. You've done nothing but take and take, Gene. I need you to step up and carry us over this rough patch. Isn't giving up my $49 million sweet enough? You weren't even using it!

SPEAKER_07 11:16

If I may suggest.

SPEAKER_14 11:18

No, you may not. Why is he even here, William? Because I need help. That's why I'm here. This place was running quite smoothly before your parents arrived.

SPEAKER_07 11:25

The reality of the situation is that Master William is going to have to pay for the transgressions of his father and grandfather.

SPEAKER_14 11:36

How much is that going to be? There was like a half billion in my account. You have a half billion in that account? Surely it can't be that much.

SPEAKER_07 11:44

Probably not.

SPEAKER_14 11:45

Probably not!

SPEAKER_07 11:46

Unfortunately, there's not much we can do but sit and wait and see what they say.

SPEAKER_14 11:52

That's terrible advice. Shut up, Gene. Shut up, Gene! Yes, unless you're going to tell me that you're going to help us out, I'm not interested in what you have to say. Shut up, Gene?

SPEAKER_11 12:03

Sal, you can't go in there!

SPEAKER_14 12:07

Hey, Willie! Security? Security! He's come for me! This is not a drill, I repeat! This is not a drill! Sal? I've been trying to get a hold of you for days! William! I brought some friends with me. What's up, Gene? Fuck you, Axel Rose! What the hell's he doing here? Hey, hey, hey, mother truckers! Vince Neil! Is this that shirtless pie eating contest I've been dreading? Well, oh buddy. I hear you're having some uh financial problems. Where did you hear that? And what's with the attitude? Just a little scuttlebutt I picked up on. Uh so anyway. Wait a second. Is that Crispin? My man, how's it going, buddy?

SPEAKER_07 12:51

I am doing well. Thank you for asking, Mr. Sariago.

SPEAKER_14 12:56

Guy still remembers my name! Amazing! Security be here any second. I suggest you use this time to get the hell out! Shut up, Gene. God damn, it's a second time today. Well, Axel and Vince are willing to help you out of your current financial situation. The hell they will!

SPEAKER_07 13:13

We're listening, Master Sariago.

SPEAKER_14 13:16

No, we're not. For a couple of simple demands, Axel and Vince are willing to advance you the money you need to. Well, somebody tell them to shut the fuck up. Gene, knock it off already. I'm not listening. I'm not listening! You wanna sit on the mall boards here at Rock Meadows? Absolutely not! I thought you weren't listening. I'm not.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

That's it? Done.

SPEAKER_14 13:43

Are you out of your mind? Gina, you can't even not listen. Could not listen if I wanted to. I just didn't want to. Well, that was our first demand. There are others.

SPEAKER_12 13:54

We're listening.

SPEAKER_14 13:55

Crispin? No, we're not. Did you see the look on that son of a bitch's face? Worth every penny we're giving them. That's easy for you to say because I'm giving them most of the pennies. Don't worry about it, Axel. You're going to get your money back five times over. Yeah, this place is a gold mine! I want one of those glass cock suites. Who could we kick out? He made the whole thing up. So Glasshawk didn't design those suits. There is no glasscock! Jesus, what the hell's wrong with you two? It's obviously just a made-up name! Then what the hell am I investing in? I thought that Max, Axel, okay? You're going to be fine.

SPEAKER_12 14:41

Why it's a sudden change in plans? This wasn't supposed to be costing me anything. The opportunity was there.

SPEAKER_14 14:47

This is going to make your lives so much better around here. I don't care who designed those suites. I want one! Fuck you, Vince Neil. I put in like 90% of the money and you're making all the demands? Don't start, guys. What's your problem, Axel? This whole thing was my idea. Hey, not now, okay? Touch me again, Vince, and I'm going to kickstart your ass. Bring it! Damn it, YouTube! Knock it the hell off! I should have finished you with that stuff about stacking club! You, you uneducated!

SPEAKER_12 15:22

Break it up. Come on, Axe, no, break it up.

SPEAKER_14 15:24

I'm gonna need your help, Tito. Sure. Looks like you do. You latched onto me like a fucking leech, Vince! That all ends today! Fucking leech! You may have more money, but he bit me! Oh my god, he bent my pinky off! Motherfucker! Oh my god, it hurts!

SPEAKER_12 15:46

Come on, Vince! Over here. Let me let me see. Ugh, we gotta get you the doctor.

SPEAKER_14 15:50

Oh Christ! Oh my god, my Piggy! You prick! You fucking prick! Jesus, Axel! Did you really bite his finger off? I don't think so. Holy shit, I'm going to bleed out!

SPEAKER_12 16:04

You're not gonna bleed out. Hold it up. I'm gonna wrap it.

unknown 16:08

Yeah!

SPEAKER_12 16:09

Hold it over your head. Where is it? Where's his fucking finger? Spit it out, Axel! Here! Use a fucking finger, asshole! Jesus, Axel, what the hell's wrong with you? Come on, Vince.

SPEAKER_11 16:23

My finger! My fucking peaky! It's so bad! Oh my god, Sal, what the hell is going on?

SPEAKER_14 16:32

Nothing?

SPEAKER_11 16:32

Nothing? Vince is wailing and there's blood everywhere!

SPEAKER_14 16:36

That's not him wailing! That's him lip-syncing to a recording of someone wailing! Fuck you, Axel Rose! Shut up, Axel! What the hell is wrong with you biting his finger off? You bit his finger off?

SPEAKER_13 16:51

Must have slipped into my mouth during the fight and he must have hit me with an uppercut something. Oh bullshit!

SPEAKER_11 16:58

We have them just where we want them, and you too, stupid- What do you mean you have them where you want them? Are you working with him to undermine Will, Sal? But what if I was? He's shown me absolutely no loyalty. He's trying! Yeah, he's trying. He owns the fucking place, so he's not trying very hard. You know things are complicated. I don't want to talk about this stuff. This is between Will and what do we have here?

SPEAKER_10 17:26

Blood on the floor. Blood on access or shirt. And blood on his chin. Just leave me alone, then. I'm not in the mood. What are you talking about? Oh, I'm concerned for you, my friend. You're not concerned for me. If these two weren't here, you'd have me in the headlock. George! Have you been bowling people again? I don't know what he's talking about. You made me swing, sweet child of mine like Porky Pig. Oh, you were a hit, mate. Everyone loved it. I didn't. Ah you Americans are too sensitive. Jolly good fun. Oh, give us a verse now, don't you?

SPEAKER_11 18:09

We've talked about this more than once, George. Nobody likes a bully.

SPEAKER_10 18:13

Oh, please. Oh, I'm no bully.

SPEAKER_11 18:15

You can make people do things they don't want to do.

SPEAKER_10 18:18

Yeah, fair. Short. You head hard. You had piece of short. Hey! That's enough! You apologize to him, Van Morrison. I'm not apologizing to anyone. I said go apologize. Hey! You little shit you really just try to headbutt me? You'd have a broken nose if we really wanted to do it. I think it's time you go to your room, George. You can't make George!

SPEAKER_11 18:44

Go to your room!

SPEAKER_10 18:47

Got you.

SPEAKER_11 18:51

Axel! You guys need to get him under control! You don't think we're trying? You see how he is. He picks on Joe Walsh relentlessly. Yeah. Well one of these days I'm gonna kick his ass.

SPEAKER_14 19:05

Whatever you say, Axel. Go get cleaned up.

SPEAKER_11 19:08

And what about you, Sal? Are you even going to talk to Will?

SPEAKER_12 19:11

Actually, we just did.

SPEAKER_11 19:14

And Changes are coming, Steph.

SPEAKER_14 19:19

Big changes. Next time. Seriously gonna let him sit on this board, William? That was the deal. Fuck you! I'm not listening. La la la la la. Get the hell out of here if you can act like a two-year-old. That damn in Star Child, William. Hadley must think I was born yesterday! Rock Meadows featuring Desmond Love Child is Dean Simmons. Fit Cafe is the Star Child. Brad Storm is Steven Hyder. Alan Cafe is Rob Halford. And Gray is Joe Perry. Fit Carson is Bono. Clay Cundell is Angus Doug. Page Lebs is Joan Jett. Matt Sim is Sam. Trina Doohart is Steph. Christina Roxy is Kim. Seth Armstrong plays Tito. And Colin Payne is Willie. Daniel Fliller is Bob. Chris E as Kevin Cronin and Mike Reno. Dick Benva is Axel Rose. Brendan Wall is Vince Neal. Dan McCray is Crispin. And Brad Taylor as Dan Morrison.