Episode 7 - The Beginning of the End

Egos explode, tempers flare, and William loses more control of Rock Meadows as the residents descend deeper into chaos. The sudden arrival of Don Henley causes a shocking departure. Elsewhere, the Starchild shares a deeply disturbing dream that somehow makes perfect sense to everyone else. 

Transcript

0:04

Alright, guys. I'll be happy to hear the gun is gone. Shotgun. Shotgun? What are you some sort of bloody munitions explicit? I shit myself on something like football. Get the hell out of your photo. It's both. I am too proud of the pickled egg button. Hey Doc. Oh, hey. Now that is trouble. I heard Billy Squire had a stroke. Woo! Now that's ironic. Bum bow doubly doubly doubly doubly doub. Bow bow yeah yeah yeah. Shut the fuck up, Stephen Tyler. You're fifteen minutes late, Simmons. Let's go! Axel Rose? Are you seriously gonna let him sit on this board, William? That was the deal. It was a terrible deal. Yeah? Well, Gene, I didn't really have a choice. Let's go, fellas. You guys take forever to do anything. Woo! Joan Jet's right, people. And the Star Child's feeling drowsy today. Having problems sleeping, mate. I have a recurrent nightmare where I'm ball boy at a tennis match between Peter and Ace. They keep telling me I can half winner, but when the game's over, they say, next time. Really? That's hurtful. And worse yet, Vinny Vinton and Jerry Lewis are sitting in the expensive seats, critiquing my physique with a laser pointer. I've had this dream. Lay off the dairy. Hey, get the hell out of my chair, Axel Rose. Bullshit! First come, first serve, asshole! Asshole? That's where we're all sort of at level one. I can have you kicked out for that. In fact, I think I will. Gene, just take that stool over there and let's go. I will not sit on a stool. William, give me a seat. Yeah, right. I'm serious. I have a severe foot condition that prevents me from standing for long periods of time. My doctor says it will eventually kill me. Uh, we have a date on that, Gene? Fuck you, Stephen Tyler. Give me a chair. Take the stool, fool! This is outrageous. The way I'm treated around here. Take the stool, fool, he says. The fool on the stool? Sounds like a bloody beetle song. Fuck you, Rob Halford. No, it doesn't. Okay, guys. We have a new bank account set up, and we need to fill rooms, so instead of sitting here and continuously getting sidetracked, I've made a list of people I think we can fast track. Why wasn't this list run past me first, William? Ugh, God, why is he still talking? Fuck you, June Jet, I heard that! Sit on the bloody stool and shut up for once, Simmons. Shut up? Are there any objections, people? Can we take a quick vote on the list? I haven't even had a moment to digest this list. Ugh, Sting? Really? What's wrong with Sting? Well, there's nothing wrong with him. But after a drink or two, he goes on and on about having sex for ten hours. It's so fucking boring. Sex for ten hours? I can have sex ten times in ten hours. You couldn't even look at Dolly's boobs for ten seconds without passing out. So cool it, Romeo! This list looks fine to me. Has anybody seen Vince Neal lurking around? Did you really bot that Wanka's pink elf? You mess with the rose, sometimes you get the thorn. What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's just stupid! Guys? The list? It means don't fuck with me! You got that, Tyler? Ooh! I'm literally shaking over here! Oh, really? I I think I forgot my meds! Once again, absolutely nothing is getting done. You know what? I'm marking the list approved, and we're sending out availability information immediately. Thank you for your time today. Do not give me the bum's dress, William! Oh my god, does anybody besides Gene have a problem with the list? Excuse me, William? What's up, Steph? Don H is here to see you. Fuck fuck! Fuck Don Hanley! Huh. First sensible thing you said all day, Axel Rose. The hell are you doing here, Don Hanley? Relax! Relax. I come in peace. Hands where I can see them! Damn it, William! Where's that shotgun? Just cool it, Gene. What can I do for you, Mr. Henley? Can I put my hands down? I have tendonitis in both shoulders. Of course. Here. Take my seat. Thank you. What the fuck? I've got tendonitis in my wrist. I got it in my knee. You wanna try Miniclone? Nah, it's all homeopathic for me. And yet you need a chair because your shoulder hurts. Take some ibuprofen and quit your whining, you insufferable douchebag. Come on, mate. Was that really called for? Hey, Gene. What the hell? Thanks, guys, but it's okay. It's what I've come to expect from that breathing sack of shit. Wicked burn, Don! We we tend to get a little sidetracked in here, miss. You stole dirty laundry from me, Don Henley! Ugh, Jesus Christ. Here we go. Yeah. Here we go. What are you two talking about? Gene and I hung out for a while the summer of 81. You were fell drummer for Splintered Band, and I graciously showed you some hospitality. Yes. Partly true. I'm trying to slither out of this, Henley. I'm not trying to slither out of anything. We hung out for a couple of months, that summer. We had impromptu jam sessions. We've talked about this before. And during one of those jam sessions, I introduced you to a new song I was writing. Yeah. Dirty panties. Oh, ew gross, right? I mean Yeah, yeah, it's gross. Isn't it? And panties are Underwear? Woo! Ha! Thanks! No, you're all guessing wrong. They're dirty, right? No, well, yeah. But they're laundry. Panties are laundry! He's trying to say that since he had a song called Dirty Panties, and since panties are potential laundry, that he wrote dirty laundry as well. It's simple logic, Don Henley. For a moron, maybe. Are you calling me a moron, Don Henley? Excuse me? Yeah, mate, he came up with the idea first. Give the man his duke. Wait. You think he's right? So you stole a fucking song. Ever hear of Greg Greardon? I don't think so. Of course you haven't. He wrote Welcome to the Jungle. Now he's in a shallow grave in Sedona. Those scenarios are nothing alike. I know. I've just been carrying that around for a long time. Well, that is a relief to get off my chest. You know, it's really nothing to bloody brag about. Yeah, really? I hate that song. The bubble-headed bleach blonde. Is that what you think every time you see a female news anchor, Henley? Uh of course not. I I I just meant All of us have a hard time accepting smart, capable women, Henley. Joan Zett sits on this board because of my insistence. Right! You didn't even know Willie invited her! Ha! Fuck Eugene This is just what I'm talking about. We go off on these wild tangents and waste so much time. Why are you here, Mr. Henley? We were wondering well, I was wondering if maybe you guys would be open to a trade. Why should we help you out? You sold our idea and half our residence. Just hear me out, okay? Then I'll leave. It's okay with me. Can't hurt to listen. Sure. Go ahead. Fuck you! I'm not listening. La la la la la. Get the hell out of here if you're gonna act like a two-year-old. A two-year-old? Yeah, a whiny, snot-nosed, Mr. Nap two-year-old. Okay. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Seriously? You're going? I don't care to listen to anything Porcupine Head here has to say, so I will be taking my leave. Porcupine head! I wish. You know, good. Go. I will. Good day, all. Fuck you, Don Hamley. Ah, fuck you, Gene. Woo! At the last level one present, the Star Child will now take over the meeting. You've gotta be kidding me! How long have you been waiting for this, Stanley? If anybody's talking over here, mate, it's gonna be me. We really don't need anyone in charge here, guys. We're all adults. Let the record show the star child is not recognized unsolicited comments on the floor. Don Henley, I believe you were about to make a trade offer. Jesus. You guys are really screwed up over here. Come on, Henley, let's hear it. How the hell is Axel Rose on your board? What is he? 60? Fuck you, Don Hanley. I may be 60, but I have the health of an 80-year-old. Whew, silence! The Star Child will now hear the trade offer. Sure, let's get this over with. You have a couple of guys here that probably would be a better fit at our place, and vice versa. So let's swap them. We're gonna have to hear some names! Oh, Stephen Tyler, you are not recognized by the chair. Are you serious? Settle down there, Pa ho ho, them's fighting words. It's Star Child or Mr. Stanley or Chairman Stanley. How about Chairman Starchild? I think that's what I wanna call you. Chairman Starchild is acceptable. In fact, it's preferred. Now that that's settled, meeting adjourned. Starchild? The meeting is not adjourned. Ow! What the hell? That's Chairman Starchild, William. Holy crap! You're worse than Simmons! You would not recognize Steven Tyler. Oh really? You recognize this? Hall. Let the record show that Steven Tyler's ass is both troublesome and unpleasant. Ugh, pull your pants up, Tyler. Jesus, your balls are like down to your knees. I usually tie them up with my scarf. Get him out! Really? I never thought of that. Isn't it constricting? Well, I'm extremely gentle. And it's more like wrapping a freshly baked loaf of bread than tying. Guys, can we move on? Woo! I will not have the first post-gene meeting fall apart on my watch. The next person to speak will feel the sting of the chairman's stick. Any takers? You look like you got something to say, Rob Halford. No? Okay. Don Hanley, go. Good lord, let's wrap this up. James Taylor is over here, and I thought that maybe we could swap Rick Nielsen for him. And I'm going to throw Phil Collins in just because Absolutely not! Ha! I know you couldn't not listen! What the hell, Simmons? You just have to worm your way into everything, don't you? Order! Order! Karen Starchild, may I approach? Woo! That's how you speak to the chairman people. You may approach and I will heal your grievance. Don Henley must think I was born yesterday. He's gonna throw in Phil Collins? Ha! What the hell are you talking about, Simmons? I know all about Phil Collins. And you think you're gonna just walk in here and pawn him off on us? I gotta be honest here, guys. I'm at a loss. I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. Phil Collins is a laser-focused assassin! Oh, be serious, Simmons. You'll say anything to get your way. Whatever, Gene! Come on, Gene. In the air. What a great song. How could you argue against that? Old time classic. Yeah, Simmons! If you had your way, you and Stanley would be the only ones here. That's chairman starch. There's that other one I really like too. Uh is it paper plate? If not paper plate, it's paper lake. Like really calm, flat, paper like water. For crying out loud, it's paper late! Paper late? Are you sure? Of course. It started in the Asian community. When the paperboy came looking for the tips, customers would yell, paper late, no tip, and slam the door. That can't be right, and it's a little racist too. God, you are full of shit, Simmons. Go talk to little Danny Hagrid's my paper boy. He knows all about paper late. You still read the bloody newspaper. Have you ever heard of a thing called the internet? I'm familiar with the World Wide Web. It's a fad. Like these handheld cellular devices. Listen, if you guys don't want Collins, we'll keep him. We don't want him. Wait, let's think about this. Yeah, Gene. Phil Collins is a great yacht rock guy. Helps soften the blow of losing Fagan. Then why is he so eager to get rid of him? Let's just vote on it. Catman Starchild calls for a vote on Phil Collins joining us here at Rock Meadows. All in favor? Aye! Aye. Those are both? Nay! Looks like you got your ass handed to you there, Simmons. Not yet. Chairman Starchild hasn't voted. You're losing seven votes to one! The Starchild is a level one. Our two votes together will kill the motion. No way! God, you gotta get over yourself, man! Motion pass! Motion not pass! I am holding you in contempt, Steven Tyler! This is going on your permanent record. Can we stop messing around, Star Child? German Starchild? You're part of the problem here, William! Why are you humoring him? Ouch! Damn it, you fucking asshole! Ouch! Give me that fucking stick! Woo! You can't handle the stick, Steven Tyler! Quit hitting people, Stanley! This is bloody ridiculous! So help me stay on my good side, Robert Alford. I said, give me the fucking stick! I've already given it to you twice, but you still won't shut up, Steven Tyler. Come on, guys, this is so immature. I'd hit him again, Chairman Starchild. He obviously hasn't learned his lesson. Fuck you, Axel Rose! Alright, guys, I'm out of here. I thought I'd do James a favor, but nothing is worth this. Hold on a second, Don. Yeah, we can work something out. It's already been worked out. He's getting the hell out of here. Go back to the Sad Cafe and walk around and mumble. Those are the lyrics from Sunset Grill. Sunset Grill Sad Cafe. You need to eat something before you write. Alright, guys, do you want him or not? We do not. We'll take him. William! Phil Collins is a great yacht rock guy, and he fills a void here. But he's Shut it, Gene. If you don't like it, you can leave. And for good this time. Well, I don't like it. Then leave and take your fucking coffins with you. You'll be sorry. You'll you'll all be sorry. Well, I guess we'll find out. I guess you will. And you can't return a coffin. Jesus, what the hell's going on in here? Relax, Axel Rose. We mean you no harm. Who the hell are you? Hey Axel, I'm John Oates. From Hall and Oates? Formerly. I guess you haven't heard. I've gone solo. No, I I haven't heard. Yeah. It's it's going really well. What are you doing here? We have a common problem, and we're taking care of it tonight. What the hell are you talking about? He's talking about Van Morrison. Fuck Van Morrison. Wait. He picks on you too, Stanley? But you're a level one. Woo! And that's the problem. I look weak if I go whining about it. So I'm taking mad at them to my own hands. I'm listening. What do you have in mind? Take it on meds and put them in pillowcases. And we're gonna sneak into his room and beat him. To death? Anything short of death will put us in immediate danger of unthinkable retaliating. Wow. I have to say I'm impressed. I didn't think you had it in you, Stanley. And you, John Oates. I mean, you're so scrawny. You don't even look like you can swing your bag. When the time comes, I'll be a man-eater! Yeah, that really didn't fit you, but I I get it. Just the three of us? Joe Walsh is a no-show. Stinking chicken! Funk 49 my ass. Hold on, let me grab my pillowcase. What did he do to you guys? He shaved half my mustache! No way. That thing was iconic! He just looked like some old guy without it. And he gave the Thartiles the worst purple nourle in the history of purple noural. Christ! You have such a magnificent chest! I have to admit, I've always been jealous. Why is there blood all over your pillowcase, Axel? Shut up! I I bleed in my sleep. Jesus, Axel. How many men do you want? Don't worry about it. God do you guys want my help or not? There, let's go. Now remember, headshots. I have a bottle of pissinelot in here, big enough to kill a bear. Pisinolot? Really? I'm on terrazicin, but it's not really doing anything for me. You need a switch, man. I be like a teenager after his first beer with pissinolot. Woo! Are there side effects? Side effects may include weakness, low blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, bulging eyes, tremors, heavenities, flashbacks, and rapid hair growth. People with mechanical heart valves and pregnant women should not take piscinolot. Ask your doctor if pissinolot is right for you. That's a lot of information, Axel Rose. Psstan! If this goes sideways, we give him oats. Agreed. Okay, here we are. You guys ready? As I'll ever be. Let's do this. You don't know my mother biblically, Van Morrison. You do not. Something is funny! See you think that's a mount butt, you face it! Something that's funny! Huh! Fuck you, Daryl Hall! I mean, Van Morrison! Woo! He's not! He's not moving! Something's wrong! What? You see, Van? You see? Just like I said. Rose Oates and Stanley. You guys are gonna get it now. Yeah, we could see. Did I do good, Van? Did I do good? Nobody likes a rats, Joe Walsh. Now get her hell out of here while I stay with these three. But Van, if it hadn't been for me I said, get the hell out before you share in their fate. Now go. Yes, Van. Uh whatever you say, Van. You guys are in so much trouble. Fuck you, Joe Walsh, you piece of shit. Woohoo! Was thinking bad of you picking on it then, Morrison. You think that was bad? That was not in compared to what's coming your way. What did we ever do to you? What did you ever do to me? You ruined a brown-eyed girl for life. That's what you've done, Axel Rose. How'd you do that, Axel? Shut the hell up, John Oates. We're not even talking about that. He compared my beautiful brown-eyed lassie to a crust-filled bunghole. I didn't say anything about crust-filled, and besides, you made me. That's no excuse, Axel. You were wrong saying that. I have to agree with Van Morrison on this one. You prick! Oh, little brown nose rari, John Oats. No. No no, you're just you're just in the right on this one. Axel had no right to be standing. Hey! Run! Sorry, Don Oats! You bastards! I love brown-eyed girl! Van! No! Please! No! The nerve of him! Trying to save himself at my expense! Thought it like you just did? Hey, I might have been the one to shove him, but you're walking down this hallway with me right now, so don't get all judgy. Whew! You're right, Axel Rose. The Star Child has an uncontrollable sense of self-preservation. You wanna hang out? God knows. Next time. Oh, Rock Meadows. What the hell is that? I'm pretty sure it's Phil Collins. How's everybody doing? You say the dumbest thing! You're fucking driving me crazy! I'm here to discuss saving this hotel for you. Jesus! What's your problem, Collins? Rock Meadows, starring Colin Payne as Willie. Desmond Love Child is Jim Simmons. Star Child is played by Flip Cabell. Brad Storm is Steven Tyler. Alan Cabay is both Rob Halford and Don Henley. Ben Greg is Joe Perry, Wade Capella is Agus Young. Paige Lebs is Joe Jett. Big Benfa is Axel Rose. Nick Atlas is Joe Walsh and John Oates. Brad Taylor is Van Morrison. And Trina Duhart as Steph.