Rock Meadows - A retirement home for rock stars who never learned how to behave.

Episode 8 - The MIddle of the End

Mark Potok Season 1 Episode 8

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0:00 | 25:06

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As Rock Meadows teeters on the edge of anarchy, accusations fly, tempers explode, and Gene turns the chaos into the biggest business opportunity of his life. Meanwhile, Phil Collins may be far more dangerous than anyone realizes. 

SPEAKER_14

If you don't like it, you can leave. Well, I don't like it.

SPEAKER_03

Leave!

SPEAKER_14

At the last level one present, the Star Child would have taken eating.

SPEAKER_03

You gotta be kidding me! How long have you been waiting for this, Stanley? Jesus. You guys are really screwed up over here. Fuck you, Don Ellie, Chairman Star Child. I think that's what I wanna call you. Holy crap! You're worse than Simmons!

SPEAKER_01

The vibe in here is so weird today.

SPEAKER_10

Yeah, it completely changed overnight.

SPEAKER_05

I know. Everyone's on edge. I thought Gene was the problem, but with Star Child in charge.

SPEAKER_07

Careful, Will. Chairman Starchild, unless you want to get whacked with his stick.

SPEAKER_05

Did he did he hit you, Steph?

SPEAKER_07

Not hard, but yeah, he smacked me right across the back of the head.

SPEAKER_05

Holy crap.

SPEAKER_01

He's out of control, Will. You have to do something.

SPEAKER_05

It's only been a day. Maybe he'll get bored.

SPEAKER_01

The hell? Now what?

SPEAKER_07

What is that? It's a box cart with some sort of Muppets strap to it? It looks like Annabolactor. Oh shit!

SPEAKER_10

Jesus!

SPEAKER_03

It's alive! I I think it's Ah shit, guys! I think it's Phil Collins!

unknown

Woo!

SPEAKER_10

What is happening here, people? Chairman Starchild, somebody just dropped this off. What the hell is that?

SPEAKER_03

I'm pretty sure it's Phil Collins.

SPEAKER_14

And they just left him here strapped to that that that box carrying thing?

SPEAKER_10

It's a Dolly Starchild. Ouch, I'm s I'm sorry, Chairman Starchild.

SPEAKER_03

Come on, Star ouch!

SPEAKER_14

No, really, you've gotta knock that off. People, in Tom Zecus, it's even more important that we adhere to protocol. Wheel him into my office and get me Don Henley on the phone.

SPEAKER_03

What's going on here, Stanley?

unknown

Woo!

SPEAKER_03

It's Tamman. Hey, let go of my dick.

SPEAKER_02

Give! Me! Let's go! Get out! Fucking! Owl thing! Got it! There!

SPEAKER_07

There's your fucking stick! I have Don Henley on the phone, Chairman Starchild.

SPEAKER_14

I'll deal with you later, Stephen Tyler. And somebody get Dr. P.

SPEAKER_10

What the hell's that, mate? We're pretty sure it's Phil Collins.

SPEAKER_03

Why is he tied and gagged like that?

SPEAKER_01

I don't know. But I think we're about to find out.

SPEAKER_03

Put him on speaker, Chairman Starchild. Really? You're really gonna call him that? It's easier than fighting. This is Tamith Startow. Is this Don Henley?

SPEAKER_06

It is.

SPEAKER_14

What are you trying to pull here, Don Henley? Why is he stopped down like that?

SPEAKER_10

You just gonna strap him with a seatbelt? Why the dolly? What about the game?

SPEAKER_14

What's his problem?

SPEAKER_03

Don't you hang up on me, Don Hanley? He's gone. Jesus! What did you do with him?

SPEAKER_01

Maybe pull the gag out and hear what he has to say.

SPEAKER_15

You are not recognized whoever you are. You're all bark and now bite. Without your stick, Stanley, so give it a rest.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, Star Child, we have bigger problems here.

SPEAKER_15

I'll remember.

SPEAKER_05

The Star Child always remembers. Jim's right. Let's pull the gag and hear him out.

SPEAKER_03

Who's gonna do it? I'm not going near his mouth! Neither am I. There must be a reason why he's bound like that.

SPEAKER_10

Here, give me what's left of the Star Child stick.

SPEAKER_07

Careful, Tito. Don't hover around his mouth.

SPEAKER_10

Ugh, his eyes are darting back and forth and his ear hair is out of control.

SPEAKER_02

Just hook it!

SPEAKER_10

What I'm trying to do. Got it.

SPEAKER_09

Ah, thanks for that. Yes indeed. Thanks for that. How's everybody doing? Woo! Stephen Tyler broke my stick. That's a shame. Every man needs a good stick now, doesn't he? How are you feeling, Mr.

SPEAKER_01

Collins?

SPEAKER_09

Not bads, not bads. You chaps have Netflix over here?

SPEAKER_10

Uh yeah. We got Netflix.

SPEAKER_09

Goods, goods. I'm halfway through Is It Cake. Hate to miss the ending. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Hey, Mr. Collins. I'm Will Martin, owner here at Rock Meadows. Nice to meet you, Will Martin. Lovely place you have here. And you undoubtedly know who I am. You're one of those KISS fellows, aren't you? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. So Sue Sue Dow!

SPEAKER_03

What the hell with that? Oh, I want to crap and vomit at the same time. I don't know. Oh, it seems to be over.

SPEAKER_11

Hey, Paul. What's happening?

SPEAKER_03

It's about time, Dr. P. How come he gets to call you, Paul?

SPEAKER_11

So, what did they do to Jack at this time? Holy shit! What the hell is that?

SPEAKER_03

It's Phil Collins!

SPEAKER_11

What? You get the hell out of here.

SPEAKER_09

You get the hell out of here!

SPEAKER_11

Are you serious? I thought you guys were jazzing me. What the hell happened to him? Hey, where's Gene?

SPEAKER_14

They drove him out like a prize thud with an FTD.

SPEAKER_11

Hey, he chose to leave Chairman Starchild. You you make them call you Chairman Starchild?

SPEAKER_14

You don't get the pie without paying the paper.

SPEAKER_03

You say the dumbest things! It's gibberish, Mike. Nothing but gibberish.

SPEAKER_14

People, you don't jump out of an airplane without a parachute.

SPEAKER_03

Solid observation, Chairman Starchild. It's obvious why you're in charge.

SPEAKER_11

He's got uh frog eyes. Uh the way they dart around. Why are you all tied up like that, Phil Collins?

SPEAKER_09

You're asking the wrong guy now, aren't you? My buddy bud buddy bud bud. Uh don't do that.

SPEAKER_10

We just got him in a trade with Don Henley.

unknown

Pfft.

SPEAKER_11

Fuck Don Henley.

SPEAKER_03

Why's everyone hate Don Henley?

SPEAKER_11

Well, me and Don were water skiing off the coast of Albania once. And I'm driving a boat, right? And there's this super hot chick giving me the eye.

SPEAKER_05

What me, Dr. P? Can we get back to the matter?

SPEAKER_11

Oh, what's the matter? Not then! What's the matter with you? Huh.

SPEAKER_03

That's good, Joe Perry.

SPEAKER_05

I like you. Right before you walked in, Dr. P, he said something that that I don't know, made us I don't know, nauseous?

SPEAKER_03

Sick? It hurt our ears. Hurt your ears. It was like watching Jagger's dancing in the streets video. But worse. Voice?

SPEAKER_11

I think we all know that's not possible.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, yeah. Mick and David remade dancing in the streets, didn't they now? Brilliant piece of cinematography it was. Woo!

SPEAKER_12

What do you think, Doc?

SPEAKER_11

I think he's fucking insane if he thinks that's a brilliant piece of cinematography. You know, I gotta tell ya, when Gene told me about this gig, I figured I'd be helping out traumatized hookers and writing Viagra scripts to help you bastards traumatize more hookers.

SPEAKER_09

I've traumatized a few hookers in my day, I have.

SPEAKER_11

Yeah, I don't doubt that, Phil Collins. So you don't know why you're tied up. Do you know what the hell's wrong with ya? Or why someone else may want to tie you up?

SPEAKER_09

Ha ha ha. No idea, I assure you. I'm a nice guy I am. So again!

SPEAKER_12

What the hell was that, Collins? Where's that gag? Gimme that fucking gag! This little gnome knows exactly what he's doing. Why did you do that? Huh? Why did you do that?

SPEAKER_00

He can't answer you with the gag in his mouth, genius.

SPEAKER_12

Who asked you? Jesus Christ!

SPEAKER_15

I thought Joyce the Wit was dead. That's the second time someone cracked that job. Who the hell is Joyce the Wit?

SPEAKER_03

He played Janet on Three's Company. But it's Suzanne Summers who died. And uh John Ritter, of course.

SPEAKER_15

I used to love that show.

SPEAKER_03

You know, I heard both Mr. and Mrs. Roper are dead too. That's just fucking weird. Uh, this show is like cursed or something. Guys, Mr. and Mrs. Roper would be 130 by now! Please, with all due respect, you're fucking driving me crazy! Woo! I'm with William.

SPEAKER_05

You people of the work. You too, Starchild. I need you all to leave and let me figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. Chairman Starchild calls this meeting to an end.

SPEAKER_14

Everyone dismissed.

SPEAKER_03

I don't need you to dismiss me, Stanley! You owe me a thick thievan Tyler. Yeah, I'll get right on that. I'll bloody do it, I won't, Stanley.

SPEAKER_11

Gene's right. It's difficult to rule you in greats. So, uh, you're gonna do it, right?

SPEAKER_05

Do what?

SPEAKER_11

You know. Stake him.

SPEAKER_05

What stake him? Like a vampire?

SPEAKER_11

Well, most people choose that over disembowelment. Get out of here, Dr. Pete. I'm telling you, don't fuck around with him.

SPEAKER_05

I have no intention of fucking around with him. You know what the worst part of this is?

SPEAKER_10

Sheen was right about everything.

SPEAKER_05

Sheen was fucking right about everything.

SPEAKER_00

Mr. Wynne will see you now.

SPEAKER_12

It's about time.

SPEAKER_00

I have never seen Mr. Wynne take an unscheduled meeting, so you're in rare air, Mr. Simmons.

SPEAKER_12

Huh.

SPEAKER_14

It's where I live.

SPEAKER_11

Gene Simmons, please come in. Steve Wynne, nice to meet you, sir.

SPEAKER_14

Yes, nice to meet you as well.

SPEAKER_11

Please have a seat. Can Miss Wells uh get you anything?

SPEAKER_14

Fine. She's been very gracious.

SPEAKER_11

Thank you, sweetheart. That'll be all, Miss Wells. So, Jean Simmons, one of the masterminds behind KISS. What can I do for you?

SPEAKER_14

It's more like what I can do for you, Stephen Wynne.

SPEAKER_11

Okay. What can you do for me, Gene?

SPEAKER_14

Jean? I wasn't aware we were on a first name basis.

SPEAKER_11

Oh, I'm I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_14

I I didn't mean to I thought that a businessman such as yourself would be more in tune with proper business etiquette, Steve Wynne.

SPEAKER_11

Well, you'll have to forgive me, Mr. Simmons. I was under the impression this was more of a social visit.

SPEAKER_14

Social visit? Who has time for social visits? I'm here to discuss saving this hotel for you.

SPEAKER_11

Saving the hotel. For me.

SPEAKER_14

Your entertainment is terrible.

SPEAKER_11

Get the hell out of here. The show's fantastic.

SPEAKER_14

Bunch of people dressed as birds on the trappiece? Whose decision was this?

SPEAKER_11

We have one of the best staffs in Vegas who spent years developing these shows.

SPEAKER_14

Fire all of 'em! You don't need a staff when you have the one and only Gene Simmons Rock and Roll Spectacular Show and Burlesque Review. Take up residency here. And Burlesque Review.

SPEAKER_11

Yeah, and Burlesque Review.

SPEAKER_14

Crack. Now, this is gonna happen overnight. Although it could if the money is right.

SPEAKER_11

Well, you're just gonna put a show together overnight? Something worthy of taking up residency at Win Las Vegas?

SPEAKER_14

Like I said, if the money is right. Here, I drew this on the way over.

SPEAKER_11

What is this? It looks like a penis.

SPEAKER_14

Supposed to look like a penis. It's a hobby of mine. You can keep it.

SPEAKER_11

So it's a penis.

SPEAKER_14

That'll be the stage. There'll be eight thirty-five-ton jacks underneath, allowing it to rotate three hundred and sixty degrees.

SPEAKER_11

Uh okay. So the stage moves around. Who are you playing with?

SPEAKER_14

Have you ever heard of Eric Clapton?

SPEAKER_11

Of course I've heard of Clapton. He's in your band?

SPEAKER_14

No, but I have a roadie who looks just like him. We let him meander about. Gets everyone excited.

SPEAKER_11

Wha what is it? Some kind of tribute show?

SPEAKER_14

Yes. A far-reaching tribute show to me. All of Rock'n'roll's greatest stars, talking about how their lives and music have been impacted by me. And a lot of beautiful naked women.

SPEAKER_11

Huh. Excuse me, Mr. Simmons. Uh Miss Wells, can you ask Rick and Jen to join us? Uh please, go on. Uh you were saying.

SPEAKER_14

Kiss has influenced everyone, whether they like it or not. I can hear it in almost every song since 1974.

SPEAKER_11

That's amazing. You must have an extraordinary ear.

SPEAKER_14

Ears. You're confusing me with the star child.

SPEAKER_11

Ah, come in, guys. Jen and Rick, I'd like you to meet the one and only God of Thunder himself, Gene Simmons. Mr. Simmons, this is our head of show development, Rick Sluman, and our stage manager, Jen Boyle.

SPEAKER_14

What? You don't have the boss to do it yourself, Wynne? Okay. You're both fired. What?

SPEAKER_11

Who is this guy, Steve? Whoa, whoa, Gene. Uh Mr. Simmons. I brought them in so they could hear your pitch.

SPEAKER_14

Hear my pitch? Who am I? Sandy Koufax? I presented you with an opportunity to bring a Vegas-worthy show to your establishment, Steve Wynne. This this weird bird fetish show only appeals to a small, perverted segment of society.

SPEAKER_08

Bird Fetish Show? It's one of the hottest tickets on the strip, Mr. Simmons.

SPEAKER_13

And it's called Avum Sexus. And it's way more common than people think. You rich old guys just love to judge, don't you? Avum sexus?

SPEAKER_14

It literally means bird sex in Latin.

SPEAKER_11

It does? Well, you know Latin?

SPEAKER_14

Of course. I wrote the entire dress to kill album in Latin. But the label made us dumb it down.

SPEAKER_13

Listen, I don't know why you brought us in here, Steve, but I am not going to stand here and have my condition insulted by this man. Condition? Your condition? Did you hear that, Steve Wynne?

SPEAKER_11

Uh Rick. You really suffer from this avum sexus. I do. So you developed an entire show based on your fetish.

SPEAKER_13

I don't think I like where this conversation is going, Steve.

SPEAKER_11

Don't steve me, you fucking perv. I took my grandkids to that damn show.

SPEAKER_14

It's a great show, Steve! Grandchildren, you must feel terribly dirty. I do.

SPEAKER_08

I I told him not to do it, Steve! I I must have told him a hundred times how wrong it was.

SPEAKER_13

Oh fuck you, Jen, you backstabbing bitch!

SPEAKER_11

Oh my god, that scene at the end, uh, with Princess Sparrow and the congressional page. Ugh. How did I not see it?

SPEAKER_14

We're so used to having crap rammed down our throats, we've grown weary of fighting it. Steve, it was nothing like that!

SPEAKER_13

Wait, what's that? What's what? There, in your pocket. Let me see. It's nothing, Steve.

SPEAKER_11

It's eggs? Why are you carrying around eggs in your pocket?

SPEAKER_13

Because it's my turn to keep them warm, Steve. So you're like the daddy bird? Fuck you, Gene Simmons! Get the hell out of here, Rick. You'll be hearing from my lawyers, Steve.

SPEAKER_08

Steve, I swear I told him not to do it!

SPEAKER_11

What so you knew?

SPEAKER_08

It became evident one night when we saw a pigeon get hit by a car.

SPEAKER_11

I don't need to hear anymore. Gene here and I are now officially in business. The Gene Simmons rock and roll spectacular show and burlesque review will be taking up residency immediately. Here, uh, take this.

SPEAKER_08

Sure, Steve. What is it? It looks like a penis.

SPEAKER_11

It's supposed to look like a penis. That's the stage. Look, we open in 21 hours, so I suggest you get busy.

SPEAKER_08

Sure, Steve. Right away. Nice to meet you, Mr. Simmons.

SPEAKER_11

Well, and I want that drawing back. I'm gonna frame that fucking thing. Most do.

SPEAKER_04

Damn, new locks are so hard to pick. There! Got it. Must be something in here I can use to get that finger-biting son of a bitch, Axel Rose. Good chance, there is.

SPEAKER_09

There is. Sorry there, mate. Jesus, what the hell are you? I have to say I'm a little hurt. I'm Phil Collins, my friend. And you are? Why are you strapped to that dolly like that? It was that Axl Rose. I was about to expose him for the thug he is, but then he got the better of me. The knob. Did he say where he was going? He did. Untie me, and I'll tell you. Hold on, I'll undo these.

SPEAKER_04

There are three different ones. Pain in the ass.

SPEAKER_09

Ugh, my legs are asleep.

SPEAKER_04

Stretch them out. We need to leave. I've been hiding out in the chapel. Nobody ever goes in there.

SPEAKER_09

I still don't know who you are, my friend. Vince Neal. Motley Crew. Ah, the crew. Thank you for freeing me. I don't think I could have spent one. Because I'm gonna come wait forever. Mr. Motley Crew, Mr. Toughcoming, you are. Jesus, what's your problem, Collins? No problem, my friend. Quick question. Can you dance Can I dance? What kind of question is that you know what?

SPEAKER_04

Fuck you, dude. I'm out of here.

SPEAKER_09

No, um dunce.

SPEAKER_04

You black.

SPEAKER_09

The only thing that bit me is the window of the book. No come on dummy. No come on done. Mom just standing here selling everything. What a mess! Not Phil Collins's problem. Not his problem at all.

SPEAKER_03

I don't understand why we can't go in your office. Just just wait, all right? Wait where the hell is Tito?

SPEAKER_07

He's looking for Axel. Relax, Will.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, mate. You're ready to blow a gasket there. Please don't tell me how to act, okay? If I can't go in your office, can you get us some chess? I don't want to wind up with a bloody foot disease Simmons is going to die from. He doesn't have any bloody foot disease. He's full of shit, is what he is.

SPEAKER_05

Wow, Willie. Stress much? Whatever, Mr. Witt. Fuck you, man. It's Tito! Tito!

SPEAKER_10

Where is he? He's right up a height. Uh he he was right behind me. Give him a minute. Here he comes.

SPEAKER_03

Axel, what the hell did you do?

SPEAKER_10

What the hell are you talking about?

SPEAKER_14

People. Oh Jesus Christ, just what we need. Why wasn't Star Child notified with the problem?

SPEAKER_03

What are you going to do? Hit it with a stick? Don't play dumb with me, Axel. I know it was you.

SPEAKER_12

I have no idea. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_14

Asshole! Like shit, you don't. Let's finish this in my office. I don't want to get that foot disease Gene has. This too, I just said that wasn't true! Oh, it's true, all right.

SPEAKER_05

Now let's finish this in my office. First of all, it's not your office, Star Child. Cam in Shut up. Secondly, you know what? Let's go in.

SPEAKER_15

Holy shit, Mike. What the hell happened here?

SPEAKER_11

Is this your idea of privacy, William? Did you spring TMZ to- Sorry, Dr.

SPEAKER_05

P, I couldn't keep them out. Who is that? Somebody talked to Chairman Starchild! It's Vince Neal.

SPEAKER_00

Vince Neal! Vince Neil! What the hell, Axel? Really, man. First his finger, and now this?

SPEAKER_10

I had nothing to do with this, I swear. Does it look like he suffered, Doc?

SPEAKER_11

Oh, he suffered alright. Dug his nails a quarter inch into the table. And bled out of every orifice. Before his head eventually exploded. Bled out of his orifices? You mean like his butt? His butt? His mouth? Ears, eyes, nostrils.

SPEAKER_00

Prick deserved it. But I had nothing to do with this! Bullshit, Axel. Fucking liar.

SPEAKER_14

Starchild, Starchild! You're not gonna believe this! Ah shit! All good things come to an end. Fuck you, Stephen Tyler, but Starchild! It's happening! It's really gonna happen. Excuse me, Gene? A word. What is it? Gene, I'm having a really difficult time exerting my authority over this group, and you coming in here and not addressing me as Chairman Starchild really undermines what I'm trying to accomplish here. Apologies, apologies. You're right. You're so right. I totally get it. So we're good? Yeah. Chairman Starchild, it's happening. It's really gonna happen. Are you talking about the Gene Simmons Rock and Roll spectacular show in Burlesque Review? I am! I signed a $1.3 billion contract with Steve Wynne last night. Sweet guy after I sent him straight. The show debuts in three hours. I have so much to do. I just stopped by the gloat. Fuck you, Simmons. Eat shit, old man.

SPEAKER_11

I'm busting. Congrats, Gene. Eh, need a poisonal physician? Oh, hey Dr. P. Who the hell is that?

SPEAKER_01

It's Vince Neal. Axel killed him. I didn't kill him!

SPEAKER_11

How did he die? Started with uncontrollable bleeding. Out of his orifices. Mostly his butt. Then his head exploded. Oh, Rose didn't do it. It was Phil Collins. Collins? Where the hell is Collins?

SPEAKER_02

Shit! He was here strapped to the dolly!

SPEAKER_11

There's the dolly.

SPEAKER_02

Where the hell is Collins?

SPEAKER_15

Well, you didn't do it, did ya?

SPEAKER_05

What what? Kill Phil Collins? No, I didn't kill him! I'm not about to kill anybody!

SPEAKER_12

Oh well. See ya! Gene? Take me with you?

SPEAKER_14

You know, I I'd like to, but uh, but you know there's there's a budget and all, and yeah, I I get it. And besides, who would be the chairman? Yeah, I guess you're right.

SPEAKER_03

He doesn't want you, Stanley! Fuck you, Stephen Poller, with my stick.

SPEAKER_14

Next week on the season finale of Rock Meadows.

SPEAKER_05

Going to have to go out there and subdue him.

SPEAKER_03

Are you mad? What are the lockdown protocols? You've been holding out on us, William! Listen, Phil, we don't want any trouble. We just want you to leave. Was he something I said?

SPEAKER_07

Are you seriously an ill-tempered, self-absorbed dickle of the cousin sucker?

SPEAKER_03

People are insane.

SPEAKER_15

Jesus Christ, it's a pocket.

SPEAKER_03

I'm at the most weight that's gonna be trouble.

SPEAKER_05

Our first applicant would like to make his case in person.

SPEAKER_02

That was the craziest thing I've ever seen!

SPEAKER_14

Meadows starring Benford as Axel Rose, Brad Storm is Steven Tyler, Matt Sim is Sam, Trina Twohardt is Steph. Christina Roxy is Ken. Seth Armstrong is Tito. Colin Payne is Willie. Gene Simmons is played by Desmond Love Child. Flip Bouvet as the Star Child. Alan Kim Betty is Bob Halford and Don Henley. Ben Gray is Joe Perry. Clay Kondal is Angus Young. Page Lebs is Joan Jet. John White is Phil Collins. Dan McCray is Dr. P and Steve Wynne. Hazel W is the Secretary. Josh Cambridge is Jen Boyle. Henry Schultz is Rich Lewman. And Brandon Wall is Vince Neal.