Episode 9 - The End

Rock Meadows – Episode 9 (Season Finale)

Phil Collins is on the loose.

With residents dropping, security compromised, and panic spreading through the building, William and the gang race to stop a disaster that threatens the entire facility. Meanwhile, Gene finds himself in an unexpected showdown, old enemies return, and the future of Rock Meadows hangs in the balance.

The explosive season finale of the audio drama about a nursing home exclusively for aging rock stars. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_18 0:04

The vibe in here is so weird today.

SPEAKER_09 0:06

Yeah, it completely changed overnight.

SPEAKER_18 0:09

Careful, Will.

SPEAKER_16 0:10

Chairman Star Child, unless you want to get whacked with his stick. What is that?

SPEAKER_21 0:14

Ah shit, guys! I think it's still Collins. You make them call you Chairman Star Child.

SPEAKER_08 0:21

I had nothing to do with this, I swear.

SPEAKER_21 0:24

There's the doley.

SPEAKER_08 0:25

Where the hell is Collins?

SPEAKER_21 0:29

I told you not to mess with him.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

He was strapped to the dolly last I saw. Vince must have let him go.

SPEAKER_21 0:36

When you get the chance with a guy like that, you have to.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

I told you I'm not murdering anybody. Tito, anything on the monitors? No sign of Collins. We're going to have to go out there and subdue him. Are you mad? Catman Star Child forbids it. Star Child?

SPEAKER_04 0:56

Chairman Starchild? There you go. Get up there nice and deep, just how he likes it.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Fuck you, Steven Tyler. Back to Collins? I was planning on wearing your plugs. Eh, it won't work.

SPEAKER_21 1:10

Why? Well, it's not just the music. It's the overall annoyance factor he brings. I mean, it's 2025. Why is he still wearing parachute pants? If he's directing his focus on you when he shoves his hands into his pockets and starts gyrating, singing one of those terrible songs. Oh, it's game over. How do you know all this? Security footage. It wasn't pretty.

SPEAKER_10 1:41

You can kill someone by just being annoying?

SPEAKER_21 1:44

Well, not just anyone. But Collins has everything it takes. And apparently he's honed his skills over the years. Is that what you're doing, Stanley? That with uncalled for Stephen Tyler.

SPEAKER_16 1:58

Wait! There! A monitor three! The mullet wing! There's blood everywhere!

SPEAKER_10 2:04

And at least three bodies.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

Swing the camera around, Tito. No way!

SPEAKER_10 2:09

Good!

SPEAKER_18 2:12

God! Fucking collins! What's he doing to them?

SPEAKER_21 2:15

Turn the volume up, but not too loud. Please turn the sound off. I can't believe it.

SPEAKER_10 2:51

That was absolutely horrible.

SPEAKER_21 2:54

I know. What the hell was Philip Bailey thinking?

SPEAKER_04 2:58

Poor Huey Lewis in the news. All they wanted was a new drug. Follow him. Where's he going, Tito?

SPEAKER_09 3:05

He's headed toward the nurses station.

SPEAKER_15 3:07

Shit!

SPEAKER_02 3:08

What are the lockdown protocols?

SPEAKER_15 3:09

That was Sal's job!

SPEAKER_09 3:11

I can do it. I think. Hurry. He's almost at a door, mate. I think. There! Got it. The entire building is locked down.

SPEAKER_04 3:21

Good job, Tito. Dude! Good one!

SPEAKER_16 3:24

Thank God! Good job, Tito! The building is on lockdown.

SPEAKER_21 3:28

What the hell's he doing?

SPEAKER_09 3:29

Does he have a security pass? He can go anywhere he wants. Woo! Who gave Phil Collins a security pass? No one gave it to him.

SPEAKER_05 3:38

Well, he has one.

SPEAKER_19 3:39

But aren't there only like five passes?

SPEAKER_04 3:42

What the hell, mate? I want one of those. Me too! You've been holding out on us, William! Are you fucking serious right now?

SPEAKER_03 3:50

We should get some really cool passes made with swords or daggers on them. Yeah, like all covered in blood.

SPEAKER_04 3:56

I'd rather have a beautiful woman's ass on mine. Doubly doubly doubly doubly down! That would work too.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

Jesus Christ, people! Phil Collins is roaming the building killing people, and you're all whining about security passes with swords and asses on them?

SPEAKER_04 4:14

Swords and asses? Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_19 4:19

That's really good.

SPEAKER_10 4:21

I like that idea too.

SPEAKER_05 4:23

Woo! We the right people, we have bigger problems. And we'll address those as soon as somebody gives the star child a security pass.

SPEAKER_09 4:31

He's heading for the stairwell, Will.

SPEAKER_18 4:33

Ah shit! I have my pass. I have mine.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Same here. I have mine, so that means Sal?

SPEAKER_18 4:40

Sal gave his pass to Phil Collins.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Your friend is a real page, he is.

SPEAKER_18 4:44

Please proceed to the case.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

We don't know that Sal gave it to him. Axel, did he ever give you and Vince his pass?

SPEAKER_09 4:50

Yeah, we used to use it all the time to access the stage. Vince liked to rub his nuts all over the microphone. Microphone? And why the bloody hell did I find Peabick hair between my guitar strings?

SPEAKER_04 5:02

Yeah, that was my thing.

SPEAKER_09 5:05

Uh, William? Check it out. What is it, Tito? Gene just walked back in the building.

unknown 5:14

Damn it!

SPEAKER_02 5:15

I thought we were on lockdown.

SPEAKER_09 5:17

We are. At least I I'm pretty sure we are.

SPEAKER_04 5:19

Well, this door's locked. What the hell did Simmons just do? That bloody bastard just opened that door right up. He has a security pass. Now we have a real problem, William! I thought you said the road in five passes! Yeah, that's what I was told.

SPEAKER_05 5:35

Star would be crazy.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

Shut the fuck up, Axel! This is half your fault. My fault? How is this my fault? You and Vince working with Sal to undermine me, and now This Will Gene's in the staff hallway.

SPEAKER_09 5:50

No intercommerce cell reception in there.

SPEAKER_02 5:52

At least he's probably safe from Collins.

SPEAKER_09 5:55

I'm going out there. I'm going with you.

SPEAKER_16 5:57

Me too. Guys, I'm sorry, but I've always had this thing about Bill Collins.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

It's okay, Steph. No problem, Steph.

SPEAKER_16 6:05

No, really. I just hate that little motherfucker, and I'm afraid that if I see him, I'm just going to lose it. Steph.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

It's okay. I need someone to stay here and direct us on the monitors. Tito. Show her how to switch cameras and talk to us.

SPEAKER_09 6:20

Come here, Steph, it's not too tough.

SPEAKER_05 6:22

William! Cannon Star Towers already forbade you from doing this once. No one is leaving this office.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

The sooner I get Collins, the sooner I can get you that security pass. Gotta speed, William. Take the other girl too. No, we're good. You figure it out, Steph?

SPEAKER_16 6:38

I think. I'll keep you guys on monitor one and scan the hallways for Collins on the others. Be careful, guys.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

Well, you will. Does someone have their pass handy to open this door?

SPEAKER_18 6:48

Yeah, I have mine.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

Ooh.

SPEAKER_03 6:53

Would you look at that now? Nice! Ah, embrace.

SPEAKER_21 6:57

Sweet. I must have one.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Ready, guys?

SPEAKER_18 7:04

I've been in this lobby so many times, but it seems so big.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

And creepy. We know he went into the stairwell. What do you think? Did he go up or down? Up. He definitely went up.

SPEAKER_18 7:18

Yeah. Yeah, I think he'd be moving away from this area, right?

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Alright. Let's split up.

SPEAKER_18 7:24

No, that's a terrible idea.

SPEAKER_09 7:27

No way, Will. We stick together.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

Well, let's move then. We got a lot of ground to cover. What are we gonna do when we find him? I don't know. I'm counting on divine intervention.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

I got this people. Rescue team one. It's just Camus Starchar. Do you copy?

unknown 7:46

Over.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

Jeez, we hear you! And thanks for letting Collins know we're out here. Steph, have you spotted him yet?

SPEAKER_16 7:53

Negative well. Negative! I like how she said that. Very official.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Let's clear the first quarter, guys. Here we go.

SPEAKER_09 8:09

It's empty.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

I'm sure you guys are right. He probably went up.

SPEAKER_18 8:17

Oh my god, the tension is killing me!

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Have you completed the mission? We're watching them on the monitor! Have you seen them complete the mission?

SPEAKER_02 8:31

Can we please keep all audio contact to a minimum? Steph? Can you take control of that?

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Can you? She's a bloody dick.

SPEAKER_02 8:42

Still no sign of him? Alright, guys. Onward and hello, hello, hello.

SPEAKER_07 8:49

Sorry about that. Did I startle you?

SPEAKER_01 8:56

He's right in front of you.

SPEAKER_07 8:58

Bloody genius that one is. He is. Listen, Phil, we don't want any trouble. We just want you to leave. You want me to leave? But I c I quite like it here. Was it something I said? You're walking around killing people, Phil. Is that a problem? Because if it is, I'm I'm sure we can find some middle ground. No, Phil. There's no middle ground when it comes to murder. A stickler for the rules, are you? For this particular one, yeah, I am. I see, I see. Well then, I guess you leave me no choice but to kill the lot of you right now.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

Oh, you can try. But I think I'm close enough to grab you by the throat and crush your wimppipe before you're able to do whatever it is you do.

SPEAKER_07 9:45

Really? That would be an awfully ballsy move, it would. Stupid boy. In truth, you're all dead the moment you set foot in this hall. Now she don't even know my name. But I think she likes me just the same. Susio! So sudo. So how did you get my pass, you bastard?

SPEAKER_03 10:30

He's right to be pissed.

SPEAKER_10 10:32

Damn straight. I'd believe it!

SPEAKER_05 10:34

That pith I'm getting or am I getting a new one?

SPEAKER_14 10:40

Sal, Will is bleeding out of his ears. We have to get him out of here!

SPEAKER_07 10:44

Tito! Get his feet! He's not coming anywhere! Tito! Kimmy! Get him out of here! Mr. Tough Guy, are you?

SPEAKER_17 10:57

Sal! Tito!

SPEAKER_11 11:02

What's happening?

SPEAKER_18 11:03

Try not to move, Will. You took a Susudio hit head on.

SPEAKER_07 11:09

This is Kevin's Star Job. Get your asses out of there.

SPEAKER_09 11:13

I can't leave Sal with him.

SPEAKER_17 11:16

Get him out of here, Tito! I can't cover his mouth much longer!

SPEAKER_08 11:20

Seriously! You don't owe that frickin' thing!

SPEAKER_18 11:24

They're right, Tito.

SPEAKER_09 11:29

I guess. Get his arms, Kim. Let's get Will back to the office.

SPEAKER_05 11:37

Shit, look at the time! I can't believe I'm running late for opening night. And his staff elevator is taking forever! Screw it. I use the public one.

SPEAKER_15 11:52

The building is on lockdown.

SPEAKER_05 11:55

Lockdown? What the hell is going on? Come on, get the damn elevator. Damn it, don't come.

SPEAKER_04 12:05

You gotta get out of there. Or not! We really don't care!

SPEAKER_05 12:10

Fuck you, Stephen Tyler! I just need to get my lucky pick and then I'm gone.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

Are you serious? You use a bloody pick to play the bass?

SPEAKER_05 12:19

Fuck you, Axel Roosevelt!

SPEAKER_03 12:20

Hey, that wasn't me!

SPEAKER_07 12:22

I know. What's your point? Hello, hello, hello. What do we have here?

SPEAKER_04 12:30

Did Collins have Gene cornered? Oh no! Oh! Tough break, Gene! I'm hungry. Is anybody else hungry? I could eat. I wonder where Gene got his pair.

SPEAKER_05 12:44

Now Phil. I'm just gonna grab my lucky pig, and then I'm out of here, okay? No need for ugliness. Besides, rule one here at Rock Meadows is thou shall not murder level ones. It's literally the first rule.

SPEAKER_07 12:59

Is it now? And I suppose you're one of these level ones.

SPEAKER_05 13:03

I don't like to brag, but let's just say I'm I'm top two level one.

SPEAKER_04 13:08

What am I, King? Who fucking cares about this level shit? It's nonsense! Amen to that.

SPEAKER_07 13:16

Top two? Oh, you know. That's very impressive, it is. So the What the fuck, Phil? Come on! We have no history! What's your problem? My problem is your face, it is. My face? What you talking about, my face? Actually, nothing really. Just seemed like a witty comeback. Kenneth. It's like a good mom joke.

SPEAKER_05 13:41

Listen, Phil, I've gotta get out of here. The Gene Simmons Rock and Roll Spectacular Show in Burlesque Review is debuting tonight at Wynn Las Vegas. And I am extremely late.

SPEAKER_07 13:52

Is that a fact? You know, I once pitched a show to Steve Wynn myself, I did. That's crazy. I wonder what the odds of that happening would be. So you're saying it would be against the odds, and that's what I've got to face. So take a good look at me now. When you coming back to me, it's against all odds. It's the chance I gotta take.

SPEAKER_04 14:27

In all honesty, Gene just walked right into that one. I mean, I wonder what the odds of that happening would be. He was begging for that.

SPEAKER_03 14:37

Yeah, that's sad coming. Me too. Give the blout a break. He's under a lot of duress in there.

SPEAKER_04 14:43

I gotta admit, I'm starting to feel a little sorry for him. What's that, Gene? If anything happens to you, you want me to have your security pad? He didn't say anything. We're all sitting right here.

SPEAKER_03 14:55

Good, and you all heard it. All I heard was you talking to yourself, you bloody idiot.

SPEAKER_16 15:07

How is he, guys?

SPEAKER_09 15:08

Not good. Not good at all.

SPEAKER_05 15:11

They'll be dancing. Dancing in the streets. Somebody shut him up.

SPEAKER_18 15:18

Gag him, Tito.

SPEAKER_16 15:23

We have to do something, guys. He's not letting up on Gene.

SPEAKER_05 15:27

We feel confident. Tim at Startop. I need you to relax and listen to what I have to say.

SPEAKER_07 15:35

I don't care. You roll. What you say? Stop that pool. I don't play the same game. Stop. You play. Oh god. Because I've been talking to the people that you call your friends. And it seems to me there's a means to an end. I don't care anymore. Stop! Please stop. Were you even listening to the song? The first words are I don't care what you say. Phil.

SPEAKER_05 16:04

Phil. Phil, we gotta listen. We we both know who the bad guy is here. Go on. It's Don Henley! Fuck Don Henley! Exactly! Exactly! Fuck Don Henley! Let's say we put our minds together and figure out how to get that peckerhead.

SPEAKER_07 16:23

He is a peckerhead now, isn't he? I suppose we could do that.

unknown 16:27

Who is it?

SPEAKER_13 16:28

Yeah, super eats with your food?

SPEAKER_06 16:30

Who the hell ordered food in the middle of this?

SPEAKER_03 16:32

I'm sorry. Uh geez, I haven't eaten since breakfast. What did you order, Mike? Tried that new Ethiopian place.

SPEAKER_07 16:40

Getting takeout from an Ethiopian place. Seems a little wrong, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_04 16:45

I didn't want to try that. Any good? I don't know you have to let the guy in.

SPEAKER_07 16:49

Can I get in on that after I, you know, finish up here?

SPEAKER_15 16:53

And kill Jean? Are you kidding me, you stupid little bald fuck? Just being in the same building as you makes my skin crawl, you shriveled up, unremarkable ass nugget. Can I get in on that? I mean, are you you seriously you ill-tempered, self-absorbed dickhole of the cousin fucker?

SPEAKER_09 17:11

Wow, she really does hate Phil, doesn't she?

SPEAKER_14 17:13

Holy crap.

SPEAKER_05 17:20

Uh thank you for that. So, what do you say, Phil? Are you ready to go get Don Henley? After what your girl just said to me.

SPEAKER_07 17:27

She's not my girl. Billy! Billy, don't you lose my number?

SPEAKER_05 17:33

What did you do, young woman?

SPEAKER_09 17:35

Steph. Here. Let me take over.

SPEAKER_18 17:39

I'm sorry. I just we know Steph. You just hate that little motherfucker so much. So much.

SPEAKER_07 17:50

Oh! Thing twice. It's another day for you and me in paradise. I can see my life flashing before my bulging eyes. Cause it's just another day for you. Remarkable! You and me in paradise. You and me in paradise.

SPEAKER_09 18:19

What's going on, Tito? It's not good. Phil has Gene trapped up in the bullet wing. You look horrible, Will. Go lay down.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

No, Gene is my responsibility.

SPEAKER_21 18:28

Collins was your freaking responsibility. You had multiple opportunities to, you know, take care of the situation.

SPEAKER_04 18:37

Fuck you, Dr. P. You know, if you hadn't disarmed Simmons, he may have had a chance. Please don't start.

SPEAKER_03 18:43

Yeah, Mike. You never know what lurks around a corner.

SPEAKER_10 18:46

I'm certainly no gunzelant, but having one around kind of makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

You people are insane.

SPEAKER_07 18:53

You can't hurry love. No, you'll just have to wait. She said, love don't come easy. It's a game of give and take. How long must I wait? Who how much more must I take? I can't watch. He's like a brother to me.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

All because of a bloody pit bull bastard.

SPEAKER_04 19:20

Yeah, we should have invited him to the jam sessions. I wouldn't go that far.

SPEAKER_11 19:26

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

SPEAKER_02 19:34

Oh! I have to go back out there. We just can't sit in here doing nothing. The Uber Eats guy is still out there. We're not eating while Jean is murdered.

SPEAKER_07 19:47

She seems to have an invisible touch. Yeah. She reaches in and grabs right hold of your heart. She seems to have an invisible touch. Yeah. It takes control and slowly tears you apart.

SPEAKER_03 20:02

It's useless, Mike.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

I've got to at least try.

SPEAKER_09 20:06

I get it, Will. But I think it's too late.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

As long as Jean's breathing, there's a chance.

SPEAKER_18 20:11

Will. No. He's just a quivering mass in the corner. It's useless.

unknown 20:22

Please.

SPEAKER_07 20:24

Please. Please? Please? What? Please, more classic Phil Collins. I'm yes, go on. I'm all right, enough of that. I'm getting tired of playing with you. I'm living in sin. No holiday. No, stop, what are you doing? Stop, please. I beg you to stop. This isn't fair. It's not fair at all. Bloody bastard.

SPEAKER_11 20:56

Stop. I'm living in sin. No! Yeah! Holiday! Stop! What are you doing?

unknown 21:06

Stop!

SPEAKER_19 21:07

Daddy, awful! You really recorded that. Woo! We did not. That was fool to you. Me, meet you and the ladies!

SPEAKER_07 21:16

For the love of God, I'm meet me too. I'm begging you to please stop.

SPEAKER_11 21:25

Meet you and the ladies.

SPEAKER_04 21:27

Uh-oh. Really bad. Solo Gene as well. Yeah. Boston!

SPEAKER_17 21:34

That's a kiss off. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_21 21:40

Fuck you, Axel Blues. Garland's is already bleeding from his ears. This is gonna be over quickly.

SPEAKER_05 21:47

Plast the caster, drive a hold of me faster. Blast the caster if you want to keep my love. Yeah.

SPEAKER_21 21:58

Come on, Gene, finish the Asshole off. Oh, it's alright if Gene does it, but you won't do it yourself.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

This was self-defense. You want me to drive a stake into his heart while he was tied up? Those who can do.

SPEAKER_21 22:13

That's all I'm saying.

SPEAKER_05 22:14

That's bullshit. I think Dean is going in for the kill. What is my charisma? Stop trying to rhyme mine with charisma. What is it?

SPEAKER_07 22:27

What is my does not rhyme with charisma? What is my does not rhyme with charisma? Of course it doesn't. That's why I'm singing my. But that doesn't make any bloody sense. Sure it does.

SPEAKER_05 22:40

It's called artistic license. This is Dr. P. Gene.

SPEAKER_21 22:45

Don't fuck with him.

SPEAKER_05 22:46

Finish him off.

SPEAKER_07 22:48

Do it, Simmons. Get it over with.

SPEAKER_05 22:51

Okay, uh. Jesus. This is a little unforeseen.

SPEAKER_13 22:57

What's the problem, Dean?

SPEAKER_05 22:59

I'm uh. I'm out of bad songs.

SPEAKER_10 23:11

You've been doing this for 50 years. You have a bulk of bad songs.

SPEAKER_04 23:15

How about that lick it up? Terrible song. Absolutely. Nothing wrong with that song, Stephen Tyler. Did you write that one, Chairman Starchild? What's that other one? Oh god, it's uh so bad. I love it loud! That certainly sounds like one of yours Simmons. Fuck you, Steven Tyler!

SPEAKER_07 23:37

Did you ask the Hudson brothers if they liked it? What's that, Simmons? Shoot your wad, so to say. Just relax, Phil, okay? I hurt you, you hurt me. Let's just call it a draw. I thought you had it in you for a second there, Simmons. Pretty sure I was a goner, I did. Be reasonable, Phil.

SPEAKER_05 23:56

There's still that down Henley idea on the table.

SPEAKER_07 23:58

Nah, I don't think so.

SPEAKER_05 24:00

Not gonna go down without a fight.

SPEAKER_07 24:02

Yeah, but your arsenal is empty. I uh uh uh uh loving and elevator. Ah, you bastard! That's cheating! This is no holds bard, Collins. Is it now? Bone in the USA Bone in the USA! Stop! Wait a second, wait a second. No holds bard, Simmons! Okay, okay, okay, you're right, you're right. No springstein.

SPEAKER_05 24:36

No Springsteen!

SPEAKER_17 24:37

Huh? Don't spool around, Gene. You know what you have to do.

SPEAKER_05 24:41

Surely you're not suggesting. Of course that's what I'm suggesting.

unknown 24:45

It's your only kids!

SPEAKER_05 24:47

Last time I sang it, there were famines and plagues worldwide.

SPEAKER_10 24:50

A small price to pay for your life, Gene. A small price? Thousands will die. What's your point, Mr.

unknown 24:57

Witt?

SPEAKER_10 24:57

Fuck you, Paul.

SPEAKER_07 24:59

What is it there, Simmons? I think he's bluffing. You've got nothing left. Don't make me do it, Phil. Come on now. Bring it on, Doughboy. Don't call me Doughboy! Ah, you don't like Doughboy.

SPEAKER_06 25:12

Doughboy? You asked for it! When you wish upon a star. My God! Makes no difference who you please stop! Oh no!

SPEAKER_05 25:27

I caught a skull fragment in my thigh.

unknown 25:32

You did it, Gene!

SPEAKER_05 25:33

You beat the coo send out to P.

unknown 25:39

Oh!

SPEAKER_05 25:40

Oh, holy shit, look at the time! Steve G. I am so sorry. Can you hear me? Steve?

unknown 25:47

Where the hell am I?

SPEAKER_05 25:48

Unfortunately, I've been delayed in.

SPEAKER_08 26:02

Why didn't you tell me it was comedy? It's the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen. We're gonna be the envy of the fittest ripples.

SPEAKER_05 26:11

Of course it's a comedy. With a lot of beautiful naked women. I wanted to surprise you.

SPEAKER_08 26:28

Your outfit was a stroke of genius. They're already calling him the Mexican God of Thunder, the Osteltredo. How did you know a lowly maintenance man was so damn funny?

SPEAKER_05 26:41

It was obvious. You didn't see it.

SPEAKER_08 26:44

You surprised the hell out of me, G. We're gonna have to talk bonus.

SPEAKER_00 26:48

This makeup is burning my face.

unknown 26:56

Are you going to be at the after party?

SPEAKER_05 26:58

I'll try. I can't make any promises. Good night, Steve Wynne. I better hide the security pass.

SPEAKER_04 27:15

Let's go, people! You can do better than that. I'll admit that Gene came up big when we needed him. Here!

SPEAKER_03 27:22

Have a scarf! Yeah, thanks to his bloody horrible songs. Fuck you up, Halford!

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Here, Gene, have my seat.

SPEAKER_03 27:30

Thanks. How long are you going to milk this injury, Simmons? Barely been two days. And you puts have extremely hard skulls, it's a medical fact.

SPEAKER_02 27:40

Ugh. Here we go! Where did you hear that rubbish? Guys, come on. We're not gonna sit here and argue bone density, okay? There's nothing to argue. Facts are facts.

SPEAKER_10 27:50

Whatever. Let's move on.

SPEAKER_05 27:52

Are you doing something different with your hair, JoJet?

SPEAKER_10 27:55

No. Why?

SPEAKER_05 27:59

No reason.

SPEAKER_10 28:03

Oh mate. You know, fuck all of you.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

Alright, everybody. I just wanted to let you all know that Sal is going to be okay. Please don't suggest he returns to his former position. No. Sal won't be head of security. He'll be our new Simmons!

SPEAKER_05 28:19

Simmons!

SPEAKER_17 28:20

Where are you, you you cocksucker? Jesus Christ, it's a talking duck! No, it's not! It's a shinless David Grohl! And the first person he says I look like a grandfather in King of the Hill will get my newly crafted foot up their ass!

SPEAKER_19 28:31

What's with your voice, Mike?

SPEAKER_15 28:33

This is what four foot four David Grohl sounds like! Thanks to that asshole!

SPEAKER_05 28:37

So David, is it true what they say about shinless sex? I can't have sex till my feet are fully healed, dickwad! What does one thing have to do with the other? You're doing it wrong!

SPEAKER_04 28:46

No! He's worried his foot's gonna come off while he's in bed with some chick. That would be wild!

SPEAKER_17 28:52

Fuck you, Joe Perry!

SPEAKER_05 28:54

Awww, little David Grohl is angry with me. Did you hear I dispatch the Phil Collins and save the entire facility? I'm a hero. There's gonna be a parade later. You can sit on my lap.

SPEAKER_17 29:06

I can sit on your lap, you motherfucker! Hey, hey, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_05 29:11

Put me down! Somebody should have done this a long time ago. Gene, don't put him over your knee. Don't worry. It's my good one. Put me down. Hey, what are you doing? Put my pants up. Penny and smack.

unknown 29:22

Ow!

SPEAKER_05 29:22

Hey! Penny and smack!

SPEAKER_04 29:23

Ow! You can't get it! Who needs a smack here, Penny? Penny and smack! I'll get in on this! Me too! Woo!

SPEAKER_05 29:30

I have to get my lapping gloves.

SPEAKER_15 29:32

Don't help me, Simmons. If you don't pull my pants up and put me down, I'm going back.

SPEAKER_05 29:35

You're going to what? Penny and smack! Penny smack! Security? Get cool out of me.

SPEAKER_02 29:42

We're gonna have a talk about how he got in here in the first place. Let's go, Shorty! On your face! I have to pull my pants up! Outside!

SPEAKER_15 29:49

Pull them up outside! This isn't over, Simmons! You hear me? This isn't over!

SPEAKER_05 29:56

Little David Glow with one angry man.

SPEAKER_03 29:58

His bloody career is ruined! I'd be pissed too. He could front the Rush Tribute band. Really, Mike? Wow. What? You know, because he has a really high voice!

SPEAKER_05 30:10

There's nothing to make fun of. So the bloke has a high voice. What's the big deal? Getty was six. He lost his tongue in a tragic stamp licking accident. His quick thick and boobay sewed a seal's tongue into his mouth, and he has sounded like this ever since.

SPEAKER_03 30:23

A seal's tongue.

SPEAKER_05 30:25

I don't believe it. Why would I lie about that? Damn things are like rats in Canada. Listen to this unedited version of 2112. Jesus!

SPEAKER_03 30:39

Well now I feel just horrible.

SPEAKER_04 30:41

On another note, I caught last night's performance of the Gene Simmons Rock and Roll Spectacular Show and burlesque review, Gene!

SPEAKER_05 30:51

I'm surprised you could find tickets. It's the hottest show on the strip. You must have paid thousands. No! I was comped. Gee prick. Gene, why did it become a comedy? Yeah, it's always been a comedy. Really? Because when we first been a comedy star, child, let's talk about something else.

SPEAKER_04 31:10

You have the number one show in Vegas, and you wanna talk about something else? I have a theory. You wanna hear it, Gene? I do not. You missed opening night because of your little spat with Collins. Spat? I think the stage manager there, in a moment of desperation, found the one fat fuck who could fit into your outfit. Good enough. And it happened to be a maintenance guy named Pablo. Oh, Dios del Prano? And Pablo somehow turned your god-awful production into a comedic masterpiece. Hi! Is that what you think, Steven Tyler? Yeah! That's what I think!

SPEAKER_02 31:54

Alright, guys, enough already. I'd like to get out of here by five. Gene. Against my better judgment, I'm gonna give this back to you.

SPEAKER_05 32:05

Ah! My double-barreled shotgun. Thank you, William.

SPEAKER_02 32:08

I personally see no reason for it, but I was outvoted unanimously by the board. God, you flocked Dean!

SPEAKER_10 32:16

Just don't point that thing at anybody.

SPEAKER_02 32:18

I took the liberty of having a gun safe installed in your suite.

SPEAKER_10 32:22

But your family.

SPEAKER_02 32:23

My family is thankfully gone. The government is letting them live in their home again until this is all over. And I also had all your stuff moved into McJagger's suite.

SPEAKER_04 32:33

I'm touched, William. What a crock of shit! The baby gets his way.

SPEAKER_19 32:38

Yeah, Mike. If you come after Mo Sweet, there's gonna be trouble.

SPEAKER_05 32:42

Your sweet? The one next to the public toilet? I don't think so.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

So anyway, there is now a gun safe in your room, G, and I expect you to use it. With Phil Collins gone, I don't see any possible reason for you to have to use that gun. Shotgun. Shotgun! So just set it aside for now, okay?

SPEAKER_05 33:02

I hear you.

unknown 33:04

Woo!

SPEAKER_05 33:05

Cameron Starchild has an announcement. I will be relinquishing the chairmanship back to Gene.

SPEAKER_10 33:11

Bullshit! This is something we should vote on! He's right. You can't just anoint him.

SPEAKER_05 33:16

The chair recognizes none of you. Young woman, please send them in.

SPEAKER_04 33:21

You can't do this without consulting the board, Stanley!

SPEAKER_05 33:24

Yeah, Starchild. It's still Camus Starchild. Anyway, I don't care what you think.

SPEAKER_20 33:33

Well, would you look at this crew? Brought me in to give me my rightful seat, now have you?

SPEAKER_04 33:39

Well what's Van Morrison doing here? Nobody said he'd be at this meeting.

SPEAKER_20 33:45

Ah, shot at Stephen Toiler, you hoining idiots. Give me a scarf.

SPEAKER_04 33:50

But but that's my favorite one!

SPEAKER_20 33:54

Oh Sid, give me the fucking hell is going on here. Stay out of this sermon. Jov! What the f you on the same page now, Van Morrison?

SPEAKER_05 34:07

I suppose we are. Do you have some sort of problem with you, Joe Walsh?

SPEAKER_12 34:11

No. Uh no problem with me, Gene.

SPEAKER_05 34:13

Can Chairman Starchild get on with his announcement?

SPEAKER_12 34:16

Sure. That's fine with me. I don't have a problem with anybody. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 34:21

Chairman Starchild, you were saying. As my last official act, Chairman Starchild has traded Van Morrison and Joe Walsh to Yacht Lock Manor for a block of keys and Debbie Harry.

SPEAKER_20 34:33

No! You can't do this! You can't do this, Stanley! You hear me now? His won't stand! God is my witnesses won't stand!

SPEAKER_05 34:42

You got Blondie?

SPEAKER_17 34:43

How's she looking? I don't wanna go with him! I'm sorry I betrayed you, Chairman Star Child! Please let me stay! I'll never sing Rocky Mountain Boy again! I swear! I won't! Just let me stay! Please!

SPEAKER_05 35:00

It won't be all bad, du Wolf. Don Henley will be there.

SPEAKER_11 35:04

No! Please!

SPEAKER_18 35:07

Please let me stay!

SPEAKER_20 35:09

Move it, Walsh! Let's guard Van Martin! Get your groomy paws off me! You perfumed, uneducated American claps!

SPEAKER_17 35:19

I don't wanna go! Please! That was a great trade! I got dibs on that block of cheese!

SPEAKER_02 35:31

Whatever. Folks, we have some rooms to fill, and apparently our first applicant would like to make his case in person. Send him in, Steph.

SPEAKER_16 35:39

You can go in now. Please go in now.

SPEAKER_14 35:46

I brought my pencil! Oh my god, no!

SPEAKER_10 35:56

Oh, thank God.

SPEAKER_04 35:57

Nice shot, Gene. Yeah, good shot, mate. And we thought Collins was bad.

SPEAKER_19 36:03

He's not dead. He's fitting up. Reach down between a little bit. No, I'm dead.

SPEAKER_10 36:15

He won't die.

SPEAKER_05 36:17

I'm massive. Come on. Somebody give me the fucking steak. Oh, oh, where the hell is it? It's on the shelf behind me, Stanley. It's just him as fucking. Give him the goddamn steak, you moron! You jeez.

SPEAKER_11 36:41

Guaranteed.

SPEAKER_21 36:54

Holy shit!

SPEAKER_04 36:56

He just disappeared! What the hell? That was the craziest thing I've ever seen!

SPEAKER_03 37:01

He's gone!

SPEAKER_04 37:02

Are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_03 37:04

What a bloody nightmare!

SPEAKER_04 37:05

Yeah, that gun stays in the office. And uh a couple of steaks. I I don't know what to think. What the fuck was that?

SPEAKER_03 37:14

That was no easy task, Simmons. I have to give you your due.

SPEAKER_04 37:18

You wanna be the chairman? That's fine with me. I'm not about to do that shit.

SPEAKER_03 37:22

Same here. You can have it. Same.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

Do you think Don Henley sent him?

SPEAKER_11 37:31

Don Henley!

unknown 37:32

Kik!

SPEAKER_05 37:36

Rock Meadows featuring John White as Phil Collins. Ben Bay is Joe Perry. Matt Sinn is sale. Trina Duhart is Steph. Christina Roxy is Kim. Seth Armstrong is T Duck. Colin Pegan is Willie. Slip Kube is the Star Child. Brad Storm plays Steven Tyler. Alex Bay is both Bob Halford and Don Hanley. Blake Kagal is Angus Young. H. Webbs is Joan Jack. Benva is Axel Rhodes. Dan McCray plays both Dr. P and Steve Wynn. Taylor Ramsdale is a security guard. Austin Kubes and Steel Stubano. Brad Taylor is Van Morrison. And Nick Atlas is Joe Walls.