Growing Up and Figuring Out Who You Are Again

In this episode, I’m talking about what it feels like when the thing that used to define you is no longer part of your life. When you’re younger, everything is structured. You have a role, a routine, and a clear sense of who you are. Then that ends, and no one really prepares you for how off it can feel after.

Lately I’ve realized I don’t always process how I’m actually doing. I move on, say I’m fine, and keep it going. But sometimes “fine” just means I haven’t sat with anything yet.

I get into missing structure, feeling like I should be doing something but not knowing what, and how identity shifts from things like sports or dance into work, parenting, or other roles. And what happens when those start to change too. I also talk about learning to validate yourself, going back to things you used to love, and giving yourself space to just exist without needing a reason.

If this resonates, I’d love to hear what your “thing” used to be and what it looks like now.

New episodes every week.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I spent years perfecting the highlight rail, the corporate title, the Put Together Mom Act. I was the person that everyone leaned on because I was the girl that could fix everything. I'm Lauren Lizzie and I am finally done pretending. Welcome to Just Can't Help Myself. A space for the overthinkers, the deep feelers, and everyone in between. She's just a little excited. Just a little. All right. You ready to chat? Okay, so this might sound random, but just go with it for a second. I was thinking about this the other day. Do you remember being like 12, 13, 14? And like your whole life was planned for you. Like you've got your bag, you know exactly where you're going, what time you have to be there, what you're doing when you get there. And without even realizing it, you kind of just knew who you were. Not because you figured it out, but because your life kind of just told you you were the dancer, the athlete, the one always at practice. And at some point, that just stops. So what happens to your identity when the thing that built it just disappears? But before I get into that, into that further, I feel like we should do some type of check-in with ourselves. I guess I'll go first. Like if someone asked me how my week was, I'd probably just be like, I guess it was okay. I mean, how do you even answer that? I don't know. How do you even answer that question? Because what does okay really even mean? Like nothing bad happened, um, but nothing amazing hap happened either. Or maybe things did happen and I just haven't even processed them yet. I feel like half of the time I just answer that question automatically. And then later I'm like, wait, was I actually okay? Or was I just saying that? Um, and I think that's what I've kind of been realizing lately. Um I move through things so fast that I don't always ask myself how I really feel about anything. So back to where I was going uh earlier. Um, I've noticed for me that when I don't have something clearly telling me what I should be doing, where I should be going, or who I'm supposed to be, I don't feel relaxed. I just feel like off. Um, like I should be doing something, but I don't even know like what that something is. I cheered, um, I also danced ballet for 13 years, so like over a decade in my life. And that wasn't just and it wasn't just something I did, you know, it was who I was at the time. And that wasn't just something that I did, that was like who I was. I was a dancer. I practiced all the time, I performed, I had structure, and honestly, I kind of miss it. And I recently caught myself thinking, would it be weird if I took a bar class? Rob, do you know what a bar class is?

unknown 2:53

No, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

You ever see ballet dancers and they're like holding on to the bar? It's like that. Yeah, it's like that. So basically all that stuff. Um, but it's also for exercise. And then I immediately thought, why would that be weird? Why is it that we can't go back to the things that we loved? Because we're not that exact same version of ourselves anymore. You know, because obviously life does look different now. There's more responsibility, we've got more pressure. Um, like especially if you're a mom. And I feel like with being a mom, that gets even harder. But I also feel like we should be able to still make some time for ourselves, even if it looks different than it used to. When you're younger, you know, your activities are basically your identity. You know, you're the wrestler, the cheerleader, the baseball player, etc. And that label gives you structure and routine and purpose. It answers the question, who are you? Um, before anyone even asks. Then life shifts, you just stop, and that label disappears. And no one really says that that's a loss, but it is. You know, you lose and you're losing your structure, your identity, your validation, and just the feeling of belonging. Then I also started thinking about this in a different way, too. Um, because I feel like it's not just activities from when you were younger. Now I also started thinking about this um in a different way, too, because I feel like it's not just activities from when you were younger. I think as you get older, your identity kind of just shifts um into other things like parenting and your career and uh your title at work. Those things kind of also uh become the things that define you. For me right now, I'm kind of in a transitional period, um, you know, with work and um and my kids don't need me um in the same way they used to, like, you know, the day-to-day stuff. And once that familiar structure was gone, you'd think it would feel like freedom, right? Um, but it didn't. I mean, at least not for me. I just felt like weird, just off, feeling off. Um I didn't feel needed in the same way anymore. I was just left with me, and that unstructured time feels uncomfortable. I was just left to think like, who am I now? Who needs me? But the one thing I did know was that I needed to start doing something, something productive, um, you know, but also something that was meaningful to me. I was definitely on a journey of um discovering myself, and um honestly I still am. And and another thought that I have was when you're younger, it seems like you're constantly getting feedback with your grades, report cards, teachers, you know, telling you to try harder, um, but also telling you when you're doing a good job. And the same with uh coaches and instructors, and you know, for some even your parents. Even just hearing like a good job or um an applause, I feel like that was more of a normal thing then. Um and I don't know about you, but I definitely didn't hear that much um as an adult. And now you're just left to have to validate yourself when watching reality TV, you hear people say things like, I used to play sports or I used to dance. And I'm like, wait, okay, but how long ago was that? But at the same time, I get it. Um, because that was probably the last time that they felt defined. So I have a challenge for you. For me too. Um and it's to practice just being sometimes, right? Take like 20 minutes or more and just do something with it. No outcome, no result, no point really. Just exist in it. And for me, it's maybe taking a bar class. But you were never really just that one activity, really. But that was just the easiest way to explain yourself at the time. And now you're just figuring out a new way to do that. And honestly, same. If this resonated, please come find me on Instagram. And it is at at exclusively.lizzy or at just can't help myself pod. And if you want to, maybe share with me what your thing was in school um and what your identity looked like. Okay, wait, before I forget again. In my first episode, I mentioned sharing three of our small wins weekly. I definitely skipped these the last couple episodes, um, but we're bringing it back because I don't think that we notice them enough or give ourselves enough credit when it's due. Okay, so win one. I let something go that I would normally think about all day, which is kind of a big deal because I surely love to ruminate in those thoughts. Win number two was pretty big. I didn't cancel plans last minute, and I actually went, which I know maybe sounds small, but for me, that's a big win because I I do suffer with um some social anxiety, and I will often try to find myself way out of plans. Okay, so win three, I realized I was starting to get into my head out of something that frustrated me, and uh, but I paused for a while instead of immediately reacting. I actually took some advice from um Jay Shetty, which was to regulate before you communicate. And if you haven't heard of him, um he is an author, uh podcaster, and uh life coach. And I must say that I can relate um to the lot of things that he talks about. So maybe check him out. But I feel like those small wins um matter more than we give credit for. So if you want to share uh your three wins for the week, I would really like to hear because they are important to share. I'm Lauren Lizzie, and thank you so much for being in the messy middle with me. And remember, episodes air weekly, so stay tuned for next week. Bye guys.