The “I’m Sorry” Reflex

Have you ever apologized for asking a question? For crying? For needing help? For literally existing? Because I know I have!

In this episode, I'm talking about why so many of us say "I'm sorry" when we haven't actually done anything wrong. We get into people-pleasing, overthinking, awkward text message spirals, the pressure to keep everyone around us comfortable, and why so many of us feel responsible for the emotional temperature of the room. If you've ever replayed a conversation 37 times in your head or apologized just because you felt uncomfortable, this one's for you.

New episodes of Just Can't Help Myself drop every Thursday.

Transcript

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I spent years perfecting the highlight rail, the corporate title, the Put Together Mom Act. I was the person that everyone leaved on because I was the girl that could fix everything. I'm Lauren Lizzie, and I am finally done pretending. Welcome to Just Can't Help Myself. A space for the overthinkers, the deep dealers, and everyone in between. Question. Do you ever notice how some people say sorry before they even speak? Like, sorry, quick question. Sorry to bother you. Sorry if this sounds dumb. Sorry for talking so much. I mean, I'm over here apologizing for things that genuinely do not require an apology. Like, if someone is taking forever helping me in a store, somehow I'm apologing, like, sorry for asking too much. Someone bumps into me, especially in New York City. Someone bumps into me and I'm like, sorry. I'm like, why the hell did I just apologize for that person bumping into me? Like, I'm asking a waiter for ketchup, that's his job, and suddenly I'm acting like I asked for a kidney. But I don't think a lot of us are actually apologizing because we did something wrong. I think when we apologize, we're trying to manage the emotional temperature of the room before anything happens. But I don't think a lot of us are apologizing because we think we did something wrong. I think we apologize because we're trying to manage the emotional temperature of the room before anything can happen. I started paying attention to this recently because I notice how often I soften myself before speaking. Now, not soft, but sometimes I soften myself. I mean, even sending a text sometimes feels emotionally loaded. I found myself looking at the text, thinking, does this sound needy? Am I bothering them? Then the other person could send, okay, and then sleep peacefully. Not me. I found myself apologizing, asking for help, apologizing, walking in late when really unnecessary, and apologizing when emotional and venting. Sometimes I'll even apologize while actively crying, which kind of is actually ridiculous. And sometimes I it goes even further than that. I'll even apologize on behalf of other people sometimes. Like someone else is rude, and somehow I'm saying, I'm so sorry. Apologizing for situations I didn't even create. I'll literally apologize for another grown adult's behavior like I'm their publicist. If somebody around me makes things awkward, suddenly I feel responsible for fixing the entire energy of the situation. Because remember, I've made myself the fixer. Really, I think this says a lot about how some of us move through the world, becoming so hyper-aware of discomfort that we try to absorb it so no one else has to feel it. The intentions behind it are good, but it's not really guilt. It's feeling emotionally responsible for everyone around you. But it's important to realize in those moments that you're carrying responsibility that isn't yours. I think for a lot of us overthinkers, saying I'm sorry is a lot less about guilt and more about protection. It's as if we're trying to make ourselves easier to deal with before someone else decides we're too much. If I apologize first, maybe you won't be annoyed. If I soften myself first, maybe you won't reject me. If I act low maintenance, then maybe I'll still feel emotionally safe. That can really be the exhausting part about overthinking. You're not just having conversations, you're trying to predict reactions before they happen. And now that I'm talking about it, you're probably gonna start noticing how often you say I'm sorry. Actually, let me let me apologize uh in advance for that because once you notice it, you'll catch yourself and other people doing it all the time. Yet I'm watching people in reality TV flipping tables, screaming at everyone in the room, and then they sleep peacefully at night while I'm over here apologizing to the waiter for taking up his time. I honestly think that some of us become very emotionally observant, very young. You learn people's tones, their energy shifts, their moods. You learn when someone's irritated before they say a thing. So eventually you start trying to prevent discomfort before it even exists. And honestly, you get really good at it. You're sensing tension instantly, replaying conversations, knowing when someone's off, you're changing your tone depending on the person and becoming hyper-aware socially. The problem is eventually you don't know how to stop monitoring everything. Overthinkers are honestly hilarious when you think about it. We're adding like extra emojis so nobody thinks we're mad. We're typing LOL when nothing is funny just to seem emotionally safe. We say no worries, even when there are like a hundred percent worries. We're taking red receipts to heart. We're cursed with remembering awkward moments from like 14 years ago. And social media made this personality trait even worse because now there are so many ways to overanalyze human behavior. We're overthinking likes, uh delayed responses, uh, story views, posting, and people's reactions, wondering if you overshared. I wonder that quite often. Um, and honestly, quite often the viewers probably haven't thought about it for more than two seconds. And texting really is a huge factor in all of this because overthinkers can turn a three-word text into a full psychological investigation. My best friend Lisa, we've been friends for over 20 years now. Um, but she has always been the bluntest texter. I can send her a full paragraph and she'll reply, okay. And of course I hear it like, okay. And if I didn't know her as well as I do, I could probably take that personally. But because I know her so well, I know that that's just how she texts. And I think that says a lot about texting in general. Sometimes we assign way more meaning to messages than there actually is. Sometimes people are tired, distracted, overwhelmed, and in their own heads, uh, busy living their own lives. Over the weekend, uh, me and my friend were sitting outside uh eating takeout, and we were actually discussing this topic of the episode, and you know, saying sorry when we don't need to. Then the wind blows and takes the the uh takeout bag with it, and she says sorry. I was like, Did you just say sorry for the wind blowing away our takeout bag? Then I'm like, I'm sorry I called you out on that. I'm like, oh my god, I just did it again. Oh, then I followed up with another whoops, sorry. Like, what the heck is happening? But it really is such a hard habit to break. But I am really trying to actively stop apologizing for normal human things. There is no reason to be apologizing for existing imperfectly. Like, your existence does not require a constant disclaimer. I think a lot of overthinkers become experts at being easy to handle, but being easy to handle and feeling emotionally safe are not the same thing. You're allowed to ask questions, you're allowed to take up space, you're allowed to speak without apologizing first. And you do not need to earn your right to exist in a room. So I have three wins for this week. I caught myself about to apologize for nothing I did wrong out of habit and actively stop myself. Second win, I typed up a text and sent it without overanalyzing it or making changes to it, adjusting the tone or making sure it's received well. And that was really hard for me. Win three um was that a friend of mine uh I mentioned I was eating takeout with. Um, she's been going through an incredibly difficult time recently. And so I asked her to please get the heck out of the house and to come over. She did, and we had some really hard but really honest conversations. And afterwards, she told me that talking really helped her a lot. Honestly, that meant a lot to me. Um, because at the end of the day, that's really why I started this podcast was to make people feel heard, understood, and less alone, even if it's in small ways, even if it's an emotional episode, and then the next minute I'm somehow analyzing reality TV. So this week's challenge um is to notice how often you apologize for things that don't actually require an apology. Not to judge yourself, uh, but to just be aware of it. You don't need to say sorry for asking questions or expressing emotions, for taking up space, texting twice, or existing as a human being, basically. The challenge is to let one awkward moment exist without immediately trying to fix it. The challenge is to ask yourself, did I do anything wrong, or am I just feeling uncomfortable taking up space? Maybe we try to replace one unnecessary I'm sorry with a thank you. Thank you for waiting. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being patient. I'm Lauren Lizzy. Thank you guys so much for tuning in to this episode of Just Can't Help Myself. Episodes drop Thursdays weekly. So I'll catch you then.