Are You Setting Boundaries or Pushing People Away?

In this episode, I explore the difference between healthy boundaries and emotional walls. We talk about why "protecting your peace" can sometimes become emotional avoidance, how past experiences shape the way we connect with others, and why real boundaries require honest communication rather than distance. I share insights on vulnerability, self-awareness, emotional healing, and how to stay present in relationships without abandoning yourself. If you've ever wondered whether you're setting healthy boundaries or simply shutting people out, this conversation is for you. Join me as we unpack the blurry line between self-protection and genuine emotional growth.

Transcript

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I spent years perfecting the highlight rail, the corporate title, the put together model act. I was the person that everyone leaved on because I was the girl that could fix everything. I'm Lauren Lindsay and I am finally done pretending. Welcome to Just Can't Help Myself. A space for the overthinkers, the deep feelers, and everyone in between. Today I want to talk about something that I think a lot of us struggle with, but maybe we've gotten really good at dressing it up with healthier sounding language. The topic is boundaries. I do think there's actually a huge difference between communicating a healthy limit or just emotionally shutting people out because vulnerability feels too risky. And if I'm being honest, I think social media has blurred that line a little. Because now everyone's like, don't disturb my energy, protect your peace, cutting people off, people no longer have access to me, things like that. And actually caught myself. I made a post the other day that literally says that I'm protecting my energy. So clearly it's something that I'm saying too, also. But I feel it's important to be clear that not every boundary is avoidance. Sometimes boundaries are necessary, right? They're healthy, um, deeply important, even when they're difficult. But sometimes I think we're not protecting our peace. I think we're protecting ourselves from the discomfort, from conflict, from vulnerability, from having to explain ourselves. Those are two very different things. You know, like healthy boundaries, they actually do require some communication. It usually sounds like, hey, I care a lot about this relationship enough to tell you honestly what I need, which can be like really uncomfortable to say to someone because vulnerability can feel very uncomfortable. But a brick wall says, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm anxious, whatever the feeling is. So I'm just going to emotionally disappear instead. And if I'm being honest, I think a lot of us, including myself, bounce back and forth between the two. I think a lot of us picture unhealthy communication as like yelling or chaos or drama. But honestly, sometimes it's the complete opposite. Sometimes it's becoming emotionally unavailable while convincing yourself you're just protecting your peace. Like instead of saying, hey, that hurt me, you slowly become colder. You start like responding differently, you stop opening up, and you like keep conversations surface level, act like nothing bothers you. You emotionally pull back little by little, instead of being honest. And really, the scary part is that sometimes that behavior can actually look calm from the outside. Like you may look unbothered, you may look mature, but like really internally, you may just feel unsafe being vulnerable. And I think a lot of us learned somewhere along the way that shutting down feels much safer than risking the rejection, the conflict, disappointment, feeling misunderstood. So instead of communicating honestly, we slowly build like emotional distance and self-protection. Quite honestly, I think a lot of us become masters at pretending we're unbothered, when really we may have just never learned to safely communicate our feelings. Honestly, I think a lot of brick walls may have started at a specific time in life. Usually not because we're actually cold people, but because at some point vulnerability maybe embarrassed us or made us feel emotionally unsafe. I know for me a huge wall started building back in high school. There was a situation where I felt misunderstood and judged and kind of socially isolated really quickly over something complicated that at that time I couldn't even fully know how to defend myself against it at the time. And I remember that I changed after that. I became much harder, like much more guarded, very don't mess with me, you know, very emotionally protected. I still did care deeply about people, but I definitely stopped letting a lot of people in. If I'm being honest, for a while that wall did make me feel safer. Because if people already think you come off tough or detached or intimidating, whatever, then rejection can't hit you as hard. But really, when I look back now, I also realize that wall probably kept out a lot of connection with people too. And I think that's the tricky thing about emotional surviving mechanisms. And sometimes the very thing that protects you also isolates you. Eventually you have to ask yourself, like, am I really protecting my peace or am I protecting my fear of being vulnerable? Because here's the thing: healthy boundaries are not punishment. They're really communication. I really think that boundaries require way more vulnerability than people realize. You know, it's vulnerable to say, I love you, you know, but this dynamic isn't healthy for me. And that's really hard to say. Especially if you grew up, you know, in a space where conflict isn't emotionally safe or honesty got dismissed, or expressing needs made you feel guilty. So then eventually silence starts like feeling safer than honesty. And honestly, that's where these brick walls start being built. And I think there's a difference between like emotional space and emotional exile. Taking space to calm down, you're like, that's healthy. Needing a breather before reacting, healthy. But completely shutting people out, avoiding every difficult conversation, disappearing instead of communicating, that usually doesn't create peace long term. It just creates confusion and resentment too, sometimes. Because a boundary, a boundary creates clarity, where a brick wall creates, you know, a distance, but without an explanation. Now, of course, you also see this on reality TV constantly. People will say things like, I'm protecting my peace, when meanwhile they're like icing somebody out, refusing communication, avoiding any accountability, and talking to like everybody except that one person who's involved. Because really, like underneath all of the I'm done energy, a lot of the time the person is actually deeply hurt, but vulnerability feels weaker than detachment. I wouldn't say that that makes them weak. I mean, I would say it makes them human. And I think a lot of us, including myself, can relate to using those same coping mechanisms in our own lives too. I really think that like one of the hardest parts of being on a journey of healing is learning that boundaries are not becoming untouchable. They're about learning to stay honest without abandoning yourself, and honestly without abandoning others. Because really, sometimes shutting down does feel powerful in that moment. It does. But really long term, it can come with loneliness, really just disguised as protecting yourself. So, my check-in for today. Have you ever called something a boundary when really you were just emotionally shutting down? Or maybe the opposite, maybe you struggle to set boundaries at all because you're terrified of disappointing people. I think most of us honestly are probably somewhere in the middle of trying to learn how to protect ourselves without completely disconnecting from other people. And that's really hard to do sometimes. I struggle with that. We became distant because caring at some point started to feel too dangerous. But maybe healing isn't becoming untouchable. Maybe it's learning how to stay honest without disappearing. I do want to make sure I'm including three wins for the week. And I'm hoping in doing so that maybe you guys are thinking of some on your own too. If you want to put them in the comments, your three wins for the week, I would actually like to hear them too. All right, so I would say my first win for the week was realizing that like some of those walls that I've built were really more about survival and definitely not about me not caring deeply for people. My second win was I stopped myself from pretending not to care about something that I actually cared a lot about, and instead I expressed my feelings with them. Honestly, my third win is continuing to show up honestly and vulnerably, even when growth does feel quiet sometimes. Because if I'm being honest, there's still moments when my brain tells me, you know what, Lauren, it would probably feel safer to just disappear a little, hide, and stop putting yourself out there. Instead, I'm continuing to still show up anyway, because I genuinely believe that this podcast matters. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of Just Can't Help Myself. If this episode resonated with you, please put your thoughts in the comments. But if not, definitely just please share it with someone else that who may benefit from it. New episodes come out weekly on Thursdays. So I hope you stay tuned for next week. I hope you have a great day, guys, and we'll talk soon. Bye.