Learning to Pause Before You React

In this episode of Just Can’t Help Myself, I’m talking about how my approach to conflict and relationships has changed. I used to feel like every argument needed to be resolved immediately, and if it wasn’t, I would assume the relationship was falling apart. I’ve learned that taking a step back can give you the clarity you need instead of reacting from fear or emotion. I also talk about why regulating yourself before having a difficult conversation can completely change the outcome. Sometimes taking a break isn’t avoiding the problem, it’s giving yourself a chance to actually communicate better. We get into the difference between wanting to be understood and wanting the other person to hurt because you’re hurting. I’m also talking about timing, because something can be completely valid and still not need to be said in the middle of an argument. Learning to pause before reacting has helped me break old patterns and show up differently in my relationships.

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I spent years perfecting the highlight rail, the corporate title, the Put Together Mom Act. I was the person that everyone leaned on because I was the girl that could fix everything. I'm Lauren Lizzie and I am finally done pretending. Welcome to Just Can't Help Myself. A space for the overthinkers, the deep feelers, and everyone in between.

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So I found myself having a conversation recently with someone who was going through a breakup and emotions were high and texts were flying back and forth, and every new message seemed to make things worse instead of better. They were just mean, mean, mean, mean, mean. And as we were talking, I found myself saying, Hey, like maybe it's okay to stop texting for a little while, right? Like take a break from the texting. Then I kind of laughed at myself because younger Lauren would never have taken that advice. Younger Lauren probably would have rolled her eyes. That's what she would have done. Got me thinking about when I was younger, I would get if I got into an argument in a relationship. I always felt like we had to figure everything out before the night was over. It was almost like there were only two options in my mind. We were either okay or we're breaking up. There really wasn't any space in between. I couldn't just let an argument exist and trust that we would actually come back through tomorrow. Everything felt so urgent. Looking back now, I don't even know if it was really like the argument itself that felt so urgent. I think it was really the uncertainty. I wanted to know where we stood. I wanted to know if we were okay. And if we weren't, well, then I felt like I needed to know that too. I had a really hard time sitting in the unknown, and I still do. So sometimes I'd make a decision in the middle of all of those emotions. And then I wake up in the next morning thinking, like, what the heck did I do? Did I just break up with this guy for the 17th time? It was almost like I needed a little distance before I could think more clearly. I needed a little distance from the emotion before I could decide what I actually wanted. Like enough distance to actually think instead of just react. If I'm in the middle of an argument and I can feel my emotions taking over, I'll actually say that. I need a little time. And I'll explain why. Because I don't want the other person thinking I'm shutting them out or avoiding the conversation because I'm not. Quite actually the opposite. I want the conversation. I just know myself well enough at this age now to know that in the middle of an argument isn't the same me, you're gonna get 20 minutes later from now. And I would much rather have the conversation with her present. I've been thinking about how arguments seem to take on a life of their own. They usually don't start with someone trying to hurt the other person. They usually start because someone feels hurt or misunderstood or disappointed. And then somewhere along the way, the conversation changes, stops being about understanding each other, and starts becoming about proving a point, getting the last word. I think we all like to try to get the last word. Or saying the one thing you know is going to land. You know, I'm talking about that one thing you know that's gonna hurt the other person. Because you know them well, right? You want to just be able to say the meanest thing in the moment. And I don't think most of us wake up thinking, I'm gonna say something I regret today. It just happens. Emotions get high, emotions get louder, the conversation moves faster, and before you know it, you've said something that if someone had asked you that morning, do you think you you'll say this today? You probably would said, of course not. That's one of the reasons I love something that Jay Shetty has said, and I think I've mentioned this once before in another episode, which is regulate before you communicate. That's something I replay in my mind. But when I heard that, I thought that's exactly it. He's not saying don't communicate. He's not saying ignore the problem. Give yourself at least enough time to become the version of yourself that actually wants to have the conversation. And I love that because sometimes all we need is a little space, not to avoid it, but to come back to it. I found that taking a break doesn't mean the conversation is over. Sometimes it means you're giving it a better chance. We could do a whole episode on abandonment issues. All right, we'll talk about that later. But I used to think that walking away meant someone didn't care. But now I almost see it as the opposite. If someone says, I need a little time, that can actually be a really healthy thing. Recognizing that this version of themselves probably isn't the one they want leading the conversation. And honestly, that's respectable. I don't always know how long I need. Sometimes it's 20 minutes, sometimes it's an hour. Sometimes I wake up the next morning and realize that that the hurt is still there. The urgency isn't, which is good. Maybe I haven't changed my mind about how I feel, but I've changed how I want to communicate it to the other person. And I think maybe that's something we don't talk about enough, right? I mean, we spend so much time talking about communication, but maybe not enough time talking about when we communicate. Because timing matters too. You know, just because something needs to be said doesn't always mean it needs to be or should be said right now. Sometimes it's not even the words themselves that are the problem, but the timing. It's saying then when we're angry or hurt or disappointed, when all we really want is for the other person to understand how much we're hurting. I think that's when conversations can take a turn. Somewhere along the way, we stop trying to be understood and instead we start trying to make the other person understand our pain. And those aren't always the same thing. Have you ever been in an argument where halfway through you stop and think, how did we even get here? It started over one thing, and now you're talking about something that happened years ago. You're bringing up old arguments, they're bringing up old arguments, nobody's even listening anymore. You're both just waiting for the other person to stop talking so that you can say your next point. And I mean, I think we've all been there. I certainly have. I mean, I can say that I've had people say things to me during arguments that I still remember to this day. Maybe you have too. Sometimes I can remember exactly where I was standing, exactly how I felt in the moment. And sometimes I wonder if they even remember saying it. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I sure as hell do. And that's what makes words so powerful, right? Because once they're out there, we don't get to decide how long someone else carries them. Honestly, I am sure I've said things I wish I could take back to. I think most of us have. And listen, this isn't about being perfect, maybe about recognizing that sometimes the healthiest thing we can do isn't coming up with a better response, but giving ourselves enough time so the response actually sounds like us, not like this monster in the midst of an argument. Because I think if we're being really honest with our with ourselves, most of us aren't trying to hurt the people we love, but trying to get them to understand how much we're hurting. And sometimes when we're hurting, the words come out sharper than we intended them to. It's not like we we didn't sit down and plan what we were gonna say. Emotions just have a way of speeding everything up, right? You stop thinking, you stop listening, you just react. And I think we've all done that. Another thing I'm uh I try to remind myself is just because something pops into my head doesn't mean it needs to come out of my mouth. Years ago, I would have thought, well, you know, I'm just being honest. But now I think honesty and timing are two completely different things. There are things that absolutely need to be said, but don't always need to be said in the middle of an argument. I'm not saying to keep everything bottled bottled up. That's not healthy either. I still believe those conversations need to happen. I just think they deserve the best version of us. Maybe not the most emotional version of us, because if I'm being honest, I've never once regretted taking 20 minutes before responding, but I have definitely regretted responding too quickly. I don't know about you, but I've never looked back and thought, I really wish I would have reacted faster. I usually think the opposite. I wish so badly I would have given myself a little more time. Now, time, it doesn't always erase her, but uh I have noticed that it does give me perspective and it helps me separate what I'm feeling from what I actually want to say because usually they're not the same thing. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how many relationships, like romantic relationships and friendships and family relationships, could have had a different conversation. Both people had just taken a breath before responding. I don't know, maybe this is something we should teach more. I mean, we spend so much time teaching people how to communicate in a healthy way, but I don't know. I don't know if we spend enough time talking about how important it is to communicate from a regulated place. Because sometimes saying the right thing at the wrong time can feel exactly like saying the wrong thing. Honestly, younger Lauren probably would have listened to this entire episode and rolled her eyes, continued engaging in that text war. But I mean, I guess that's the point, right? We grow and we learn and we start to recognize those patterns in ourselves, and just we just hope that little by little we start responding in ways that make us feel proud instead of ways we immediately wish we could take back. And let me make this clear, but there are still moments where my first instinct is to react. And there are still moments where I want to solve everything and I want to solve it here and now. But I would say that the difference is now I'm at least aware of it. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes the awareness is at least enough to help me just pause for one moment. Guys, I'm Lauren Lizzie. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Just Can't Help Myself. Hopefully, Statsy will be feeling better and be with us next week. I'll see you next week. Bye, guys.