We Need To Talk with Harry and Shade

Episode 2: Trust Part II — We Finish What We Started | We Need To Talk W/ Harry & Shade

• Season 1 • Episode 2

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 52:57

Send us Fan Mail

We said we weren't done with Trust — and we meant it.

Episode 2 picks up right where we left off. Harry and 
Shade finish answering the Top 10 most common trust 
questions couples actually ask and as always, we 
don't always agree. That's kind of the whole point.

Then we do something new we break down a real 
Comment left by a listener and answer it in 5 deep 
questions. Because sometimes one comment says 
everything a lot of people are feeling, but nobody 
is saying out loud.

We throw in a BONUS QUESTION that came out of 
nowhere, and honestly stopped us both for a second.

Then the Hot Seat closes it out — fast, unscripted, 
and no skipping allowed.

📌 WHAT WE COVER IN THIS EPISODE:

00:00 - Cold Open + Welcome Back
       Finishing what we started on Trust

Top 10 Trust Questions — The Conclusion
       We pick up where Episode 1 left off and 
       Finish answering every single one. Our 
       real answers. No textbook responses.

Listener Comment Breakdown
       A real comment. 5 deep questions. 
       Harry and Shade break it all the way down 
       and hold nothing back.

Bonus Question
       The one question that stopped us mid-
       conversation. You'll understand when 
       you hear it.

🔥 Hot Seat
       Fast. Unscripted. No skipping.
       The questions most couples won't ask 
       each other — we asked them anyway.

Outro + Episode 3 Tease
       Next week we're switching gears. 
       Communication is coming — and Shade 
       already has receipts on Harry.

💬 DROP A COMMENT — Which trust question from 
the Top 10 hit closest to home? And did you 
agree with our answers?

❤️ SUPPORT THE SHOW:
If We Need To Talk has added value to your 
life or your relationship, support us directly!
Every contribution keeps the real talk coming 
every single week.
👉 buzzsprout.com/2614519/support

🎧 LISTEN ON ALL PLATFORMS:
🟢 Spotify
🎵 Apple Podcasts
📦 Amazon Music
📻 iHeartRadio
🎙️ Pocket Casts | Podchaser | Podcast Addict
   Player FM | Podcast Index
▶️ YouTube: @WeneedtotalkHS

📲 FOLLOW US:
TikTok & Instagram: @weneedtotalkhs

👍 Subscribe · Share · Leave a Review
New episode every Sunday at 11AM EST

— Harry & Shade 🎙️

Support the show

SPEAKER_00

And welcome to We Need to Talk.

SPEAKER_03

What's going on, everybody? Yo, yo.

SPEAKER_00

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to We Need the Talk. With Harry and Grande.

SPEAKER_03

We are in here. Uh, we are so glad that you are tuning in.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Uh, whether you're driving, whether you're in the gym, whether you're at home, chilling.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for taking time to listen.

SPEAKER_00

Coming on the ride with us for the second episode.

SPEAKER_03

Episode number two. Yes. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00

We are so excited about that. So again, thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_03

And and of course, with this show that we are doing, look, it's one of those things that we want to make sure that we are allowing our relationship goals and everything that we go through, our marriage, uh, to hopefully come and uh be part of your relationship as well, too, and use any tools that we give. But uh, one thing that we want to make sure we start off with this show is as you can see.

SPEAKER_00

We got our wine tonight. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

And we want to make sure that we just go ahead and pour this up right now. So I'm sorry, this is happening right now because we live and we're not messing around. You you hear it. I know you hear it. Open it up. If you're listening, you heard it, if you're watching, get y'all wine pouring, get your wine out. We're gonna pour the whole glass. We're pouring the whole bottle.

SPEAKER_00

It's only minis, guys.

SPEAKER_03

So we're pouring a whole little mini bottle here.

SPEAKER_00

Get y'all a glass of wine while y'all take this ride with us.

SPEAKER_03

If you pause it right now, get home, get your wine, and play it. Okay. If you're already home, you got some wine, get it. You got water, get it. Just get something. All right. So uh we're gonna go ahead and jump into uh a little bit of what we were talking about from our first episode, which is that lovely T-word.

SPEAKER_01

Trust, right?

SPEAKER_03

Uh, we have a couple more of our top 10 questions uh that we want to go through. And hopefully these questions can help uh any relationship that's uh out there right now, right?

SPEAKER_00

And also this episode we had um from the previous episode, a few people leave some comments, and I guess the comments were like questions, so we'll be answering some of those too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Answer those as well too. So if you have any comments, if you'd like to share any relationship experience and you just want a third eye that we don't know who you are, you and we just wanted to find out if we can implement any type of knowledge. Yeah, go ahead and leave a comment. Please do. Drop it and drop it and we'll hear.

SPEAKER_00

That's what this podcast is for.

SPEAKER_03

That's what it's for.

SPEAKER_00

That's what it's for, right? Right. We're not here to build perfect relationships, we're here to build healthy relationships.

SPEAKER_03

Healthy relationships. Yes. All right. So we're gonna go ahead and jump into the questions. So you ready?

SPEAKER_00

I am ready. Trust questions. Y'all ready? All right. Is jealousy love or insecurity? What you gotta say about that, Harry?

SPEAKER_03

I think jealousy is insecurity. For sure.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Uh I think that when you uh hone in on being jealous and carrying that, whether from a female perspective, or be from jealousy, how would you take that?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I say there's levels to jealousy, right? If you're like stalker jealousy, yeah, that's insecure. If you're like jealous over everything a person wears, how they smell, where they're going, you just gotta be on they on their tail all the time, that's that's unhealthy.

SPEAKER_03

That's unhealthy.

SPEAKER_00

And that's insecurity.

SPEAKER_03

Correct.

SPEAKER_00

But as a woman, I've seen like, you know what I'm saying? I I I've gotten a little jealous of my husband, but not in the sense of like obsessive jealous. Just like, that kind of made me jealous.

SPEAKER_03

Well, how do you feel about jealousy if a man is uh not allowing their their female to either wear certain clothes or be, do you think that's jealousy? Or do you think that could be something else?

SPEAKER_00

I think again, that that could be no confidence and insecurity on his level. I do feel like, what is she wearing though, right? Um, and what is the occasion? You know what I'm saying? If we're going to the gym and you have on these certain clothes, yeah, you know what I'm saying? If we're going to the movies and you want to have, I don't, I don't know. It depends on the situation, the occasion, how is she presenting herself, right? I guess there's also a certain way, like I know when I get dressed for you, I always be like, babe, how does this look, right? And you're always honest with me.

SPEAKER_03

If they ain't looking, I don't want her. You know what I'm saying? See what I'm saying? That's how it is.

SPEAKER_00

But and from a woman's perspective, if a man is um being jealous, though, I I think it to some level degree, it like I said, it depends on situation by situation. But if it's an unhealthy jealousy, everything you wear, you know what I'm saying? Like the shirt I have on tonight, like is that something? I mean, shows a little cleavage, but you're not like cover yourself up. That's unhealthy jealous.

SPEAKER_03

That's unhealthy jealous.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Moving on. Moving on to the next thing.

SPEAKER_00

How do you know if someone is trusting uh trustworthy before committing?

SPEAKER_03

Oh man, man's perspective first or woman's perspective first?

SPEAKER_00

All right. Um, you went first last time?

SPEAKER_03

Yes, I did.

SPEAKER_00

All right, I'll go, I'll go this time. They never switch up, right? What their word is their word. There are no different versions of them. They always show up. So if they tell you what they're gonna do, I'm gonna be here at this time, or we're gonna do this, they follow through. They follow through on what they say. That's how I feel.

SPEAKER_03

Correct. And I I I feel that um from um from when a man's looking as far as a female's, it's like, are they already being open open and supported, uh supportive, right?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Uh I think uh are are they actually um being considerate and thinking of you and and appreciating your your value, which at an early relationship stage, that doesn't come right away. I mean, over time, this is what it grows into, right? I think that um knowing when it's that beginning stage, it comes with that woman's perspective.

SPEAKER_00

How did you feel when I first met you? I would never forget, like, remember the time when I first told you about having to fail your taxes. From that moment, did you consider me trustworthy? You're like, or did you what what what like because I mean I'm trying to tie that in, like you said, early relationship. We're like barely together. Um, was I pregnant yet? I think you I may have been pregnant, and I remember he had like a little job prior to us meeting, and I'm like, you ain't gonna go get that money?

SPEAKER_03

I didn't know nothing about fouling taxes, but once she told me that I need file taxes, and I did it, and I got a little little 800 something dollars, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00

That were you like, damn, she's a keeper, like she's business, like you know what I'm saying? Was that considered like a trustworthy moment for you?

SPEAKER_03

Like, I think you could take that, or I would take that as a very trustworthy moment because sometimes you could fall into a level of trust in somebody without knowing that you're trusting them right off the bat. It's almost like a feeling in a way. You you you can't explain it, but you just appreciate whether the information that's given to you, um, or you just appreciate the value of what that person's bringing to the table, um, even from the outside looking in before you even meet the person. It looked good, it smelled good, you're like, hey, I might look a little trustworthy, but you don't know until you start actually talking.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, you were that person for me. You always showed up. Your word was your word. If you couldn't do something, you just were pretty honest about it. So you were pretty trustworthy from the moment I met you. There wasn't too many red flags with you.

SPEAKER_03

I like that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. All right, moving on. Is emotional cheating as bad as physical cheating? And by that I mean, example, he has a best friend, it's a girl, and they're they're really close. You know what I'm saying? They're having these conversations, he's always there for her emotionally and things like that. Is that as bad as physical cheating?

SPEAKER_03

I believe it it can get there for sure. And and that's sometimes that can be very blinded because from a man's perspective, I'm like, it's just a friend. Yeah, we're cool, like, we don't think that way. That's not even how I'm thinking. But on a respectful level, um, it can kind of gear into that direction if you let it go a little bit too long than expected. Uh, boundaries have to be put in place when that situation's in place. Not for the your partner, for the friend. All right.

SPEAKER_00

And tea time, right? Las Vegas, what was this, 2006, 2007? I had a friend, um, a male friend, and we were really good friends. And I remember you were like, yo, you can't be talking to him like that.

SPEAKER_03

Late at night.

SPEAKER_00

It was it wasn't late, but it was, it was after, it was like nine, around nine-ish or something like that. And I think he had an issue and he wanted to give my perspective on it. And, you know, I went to go talk to him about it, and you were like, no. So, and that's that like he said, it could get to that point, even though I don't think for me it would have gone there, but I guess from your end, you're like, well, I don't know what he what he's thinking. If he can get your attention this time of night, you know. So I think that's where it I can see what you're saying, right? Yeah, for sure. Um okay, I got a good one. How long does rebuilding trust actually take?

SPEAKER_03

Uh it depends on the situation, I feel, right? Um but rebuilding trust, it has their stages. For sure. There's there's there's a time frame, um, but it kind of depends on how well you communicate together as a couple when it comes to rebuilding trust.

SPEAKER_00

Do you believe that rebuilding trust is kind of like um the seven stages of grief? I think it I think it can, I think it it kind of falls along that line. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03

I really feel that because you do go through those stages. You kind of go through stages because you're really kind of trying to figure out like next day, right, how it's gonna be. And you're kind of going through that next day and you're trying to wonder, like, uh from a man's perspective, if if that trust is being rebuilt, like, can I touch her now?

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Can I kiss her now? Um, like, where where do I stand now? Because you know, like I I know I want to get better, like I want to rebuild trust. When you know you want to rebuild it, you kind of question those moments and you're like, man, can I? Yeah, you just gotta just make sure that you're communicating and just letting them understand, like, hey, I know that I messed up, I know we're rebuilding trust, and and I really appreciate you um giving me a chance or giving us a chance to rebuild trust, you know. And I I want to move at your pace, you know what I mean? Or just go back to the beginning stages sometime. Go out on a few dates, you know what I mean? Bring home some, bring home some flowers, um, you know what I mean, with a uh a love note on the pillow, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, just this little thing that kind of help for sure help rebuild it.

SPEAKER_00

Rebuild it, yeah. And and that brings me to the next point of we recently encountered one of our one of our friends. He's our he's our bartender. Oh, yeah. We're we're we're regular at our favorite place that we like to go to, but um little restaurant. And we encountered him the uh what last week or so?

SPEAKER_01

Last week.

SPEAKER_00

We're just talking to him about our podcast and this subject that we wanted to kind of go over, and we asked him that exact question can trust be fully rebuilt after cheating? And he comes out and he's like, absolutely not. You know, he was with his uh eight years, eight years, right? Fiance, two kids, two kids, fiance. Um, she cheated on him. He was the breadwinner. He was like, I have no idea why, when, where, like, you know, so he was like, We tried, we tried canceling, they they tried, they tried dating, it just couldn't work. And we kind of asked him why, and kind of like the examples that you were given, it's just there was no more connection. You know, you're constantly wondering in the back of your head, are you gonna hurt me again? Are you gonna do this? You never look at that partner the same. So I would have to agree from a woman's perspective, if if that was something we went through, I I don't know if I can look at you the same.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's a hard one. Yeah, okay. That's a hard one. If you are dealing with that right now, just give yourself grace. Give yourself grace. Yeah, all right. You're not you're not felling here, it's not a bad situation. Yes, uh it happened. Um, but if there's any room for that to be, yeah, just give yourself grace and and and hope that that could come back together. Yeah, you know, because it it may and it may not.

SPEAKER_00

Also give yourself space. It give yourself time to grieve. I think people don't understand that they think that they have to dive right back in. If it's meant to be, it'll come back for sure. You know, if that's what is meant to be, it will come back. Um just like he said, it we tried, and if it was meant to be, it was gonna be. It wasn't meant, you know, it couldn't, and they understood that. I think the biggest part of that question is understanding when something's over, right? Understanding when it's time to move on and when you can't, when it can when there's nothing more to build on, understanding that and not trying to force a puzzle to fit because it's just not it, it won't work no more.

SPEAKER_03

Right. And I think when you do that, if you give it that span, I honestly feel like what maybe three months to six months. You know what I mean? If you guys are communicating well and you're building it up, you could really start to channel a new vision, a new way, and a new uh point of your relationship of growth happening. You gotta see that growth in order to know it, trust is being rebuilt. Yeah. But if it's if it's if the growth is not happening in that time that it's gonna be.

SPEAKER_00

I think, like I said, I think you really, really have to give that that window, that space. I also think that's a good foundation to even like to kind of connect with yourself. Because I believe, I'm a firm believer, letting a chapter kind of close, you gotta let yourself heal. You gotta let that wound heal. Yeah. And and just take that time for yourself to love yourself again. Because a lot of the times I've I've had friends where they blame themselves.

SPEAKER_03

Correct. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00

You know, well, maybe if I did this better, maybe if I looked this better, like maybe if I got my no because cheating is wrong. If that person knew there was something wrong with you, tell me there's something wrong with me. Yeah, give me a chance to correct that. Um, so yeah, give yourself grace, give yourself time to heal, give yourself to find that new love for yourself before trying to just reconnect with your current partner. Both, both of you both, you know, need to take that time for each other. See if it's what you really want anymore. Because believe it or not, things and people outgrow each other, and it's okay. It is so um, yeah, those are the questions.

SPEAKER_03

All right. So if you have any more questions that you want to again ask, any other trust question that you have, again, make sure you drop a comment. Please would love to go ahead and share it. We love keeping this segment going, talking about trust questions. We were gonna get into more of the other pillars within the relationship, but we just want to touch a little bit on that trust. So, all right, now we're gonna jump into our next segment. That is our comments. Again, we received uh some comments uh from over our first podcast. One really stood out that we really wanted to talk about. Uh, I went ahead and broke down the the comment itself into a few five statements following with a question. Um, so I think we're gonna kind of go over that statement. I'm gonna read it word for word. And wifey over here is gonna break down what from a woman's perspective, because I don't know what she said, but she knows it. She knows. So she's gonna break it down what it means, and we're gonna go from there, all right? Let's go. All right, so we have a comment that came in, all right, and it says, How the disrespect is real. But they beg me not to entertain nobody else. How vigilant can you be when you see through what goes on spiritual gifts?

SPEAKER_00

So, yeah, when I took a look at that comment, this is what came to my mind. Um, that the question really is about how to stay emotionally safe without becoming emotionally guarded.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That's how I felt, you know. Um, so yeah, like wanting loyalty while giving disrespect is possession, not a partnership. That's what also came to my mind when thinking about that question. You know, the thing is, number one, why do people ask for loyalty while they're being disrespectful, right? Number two, is it insecurity, control, ego, fear of losing someone, or um hypocrisy, right? The difference between wanting commitment versus wanting ownership, right? So here's a question I have for you, for the audience. Can somebody truly love you while consistently disrespecting you? So those are all my thoughts that came. And then that was the question.

SPEAKER_03

That's the question. All right. So look, at the end of the day, control um is not commitment. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And uh if you are being disrespect disrespected from your partner, um, it's hard to kind of from the one being disrespected to really feel whether it's love or not.

SPEAKER_00

Not yeah.

SPEAKER_03

The other person might have good intentions, um, you might have some good memories, some good happy time. Maybe it hasn't been that bad. Maybe it's a certain disrespect that you've grown to be used to, but it's not healthy. Yeah and one of the things that you want to do is communicate that with your partner um as soon as possible. Um, give up give that person a chance to really understand where you're coming from. If they want to learn and really make sure they're not doing that, then they'll do it. Right. Um, but it continues, it's not really healthy to be there. You can't love somebody and disrespect them at the same time.

SPEAKER_00

And you can't say that it's love if, like you said, you're not willing to accept the constructive criticism about your disrespect, right? You're being offended, you're feeling like, why are you attacking me? This is who I am, this is what it is. If a person has to tell you, accept me for who I am, no, that's disrespectful. They're not even considering you because love is gonna always be respectful, kind, right? Those are some things we learned as child, your children.

SPEAKER_03

Love comes with communication, love comes with respect. Yes. Love is positive. Yeah. Okay. Uh there is always a battle. You always bump heads. You for sure. Sometimes you won't see eye to eye, and that's okay. Uh, but when the disrespect comes in and it continues, um, then we have something that we need to address. It could be a trauma that that person is facing, um, or it could just be insecurity within the relationship itself. So we want to make sure that we are tuning in and re-evaluating that.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, reevaluate that situation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I like that.

SPEAKER_00

I like that too.

SPEAKER_03

All right, let's break down a little bit more of this comment.

SPEAKER_00

All right, so again, while thinking about this comment, um, spiritual gifts don't mean consistent or constant, I'm sorry, constant um suspicion. So I'm gonna read that one more time because I kind of stumbled there. Spiritual gifts don't mean constant suspicion.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

What do you think about that? So, well, before you answer, right, here's the second thing. We're gonna talk about discernment versus paranoia. Because these, like again, these are all my thoughts that are going through my head while I'm, you know, breaking this down. How do you know when your um intention, um, I'm sorry, your intuition is real versus trauma making you overthink, right? We we tend to do that a lot. Let's just stop right there. Like, how do you know when your intuition is real versus if you're having trauma that make you overthink? Because, like you said, maybe it's a trauma that's causing this constant disrespect.

SPEAKER_03

This is serious. So um trauma can heighten the identity of how you uh approach the situation in the club, right? And uh it's like you're in defense mode.

SPEAKER_00

All the time. Wall is up, and it shells.

SPEAKER_03

You want to be able to open up, but then it kind of shells that from you being able to open up. I mean, you can have a very person, uh your partner can be doing absolutely nothing.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And doing everything they needed to do, but when you have that situation come and you have that trauma, it can kind of weaken the relationship part and kind of turn into man, you are always questioning me.

SPEAKER_00

Right. True. But then from a woman's perspective, y'all know our intuition is deep-ish strong. I can't find especially, especially if you're a mom. Like our mommy, our mommy senses are always active in general. Yeah. So, yes, while I do believe trauma can play a part as a woman, our intuition is on point.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

If we're feeling something and it's deep in our gut and it keeps eating at us, more than likely, something's going on. You know what I'm saying? Maybe it may not be that exact thing, but something along that line ain't right. Something ain't right. You know what I'm saying? And it may not be that you're cheating. Maybe your spouse is going through a depressed moment. And I believe that, you know, our black men in general sometimes, or men in general, I'm not gonna say black, but our men in general sometimes hold on to a lot. And these symptoms come off as disconnected, you're cheating, are you talking to someone? They may just be really going through some stuff that we don't understand and that they feel like they cannot communicate. And that's why it's important for us as women to build these safe spaces, right? These safe, healthy spaces. But again, don't get it twisted. If you're feeling something, you're feeling something, be a voice for yourself. And like you said, talk. And if that man really loves you and respects you, he's gonna offer. Always hear you out. He's gonna always make his um his feelings known. And he's gonna always, my favorite word, be intentional with the intentional, right?

SPEAKER_03

Kind of put in more effort.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Because if you really love that person and you know they might that they have trauma in the past, if they kind of open up to you to help you understand, um, it kind of makes it a little bit more of an easier path when it comes to being able to correct that situation from the other side, uh, being treated in the way of that trauma.

SPEAKER_00

Can I add to that though?

SPEAKER_03

You can.

SPEAKER_00

Even if you know about his past and he's open up to you, we also cannot let that be an excuse for bad behavior.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Period. Correct. Don't let it be. It's not an excuse. I just have to throw that in there real quick. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because at some point in time, we both gonna have to grow from our past. We all got past, you know, at some point in time we're gonna have to be mature and grow from that. So please don't let your past be a uh an excuse of bad behavior, disrespect. Wow, right?

SPEAKER_03

That is, man. Yeah, okay. Let's see. That's why I married her. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00

You know, but anyway, moving on. Does being spiritually aware make relationships harder sometimes?

SPEAKER_03

Well, we understand that discernment feels peaceful, paranoia feels frantic. Right. Um, I think that it it could be something that can help, but I don't think it's something that should be used as your main tool for everyday situations or any problem that you come across. Because uh at one point it just becomes repetitive and your other the partner that's receiving it might be like, Look, you just need to stop at this point because I don't know what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00

Right. What you feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It just it just comes off that way.

SPEAKER_00

All right, all right. All right, all right.

SPEAKER_03

So I'm gonna hop into breaking it down a little bit as well, too. Um, and what I got from that comment also is understand that hyperviligence. Uh I'm sorry, hyper vigilance.

SPEAKER_00

Is that wine kicking in?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, it is, can destroy intimacy. Okay, wait, repeat the question, babe. Hyper vigilance can destroy intimacy. Okay, that fight or flight, right? Yeah. Being so tense, being so nervous, right?

SPEAKER_00

Always thinking something in the back of your head. For sure.

SPEAKER_03

For sure.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And we're talking about you are constantly watching behavior, tone changes, energy shifts, social media activities, right? How being in survival mode can stop you from fully relaxing in love. Okay. Yes. So the question I'm saying is can you truly connect with someone if you're always preparing for betrayal?

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely not. You are in no way, shape, or form are gonna be able to fully connect if you're always in that, that, that, that, that emotion, that emotional roller coaster. I mean, you're not even giving yourself a chance.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You're not even giving y'all a chance. You know, if you're always like, especially, I think we mentioned earlier, if you've if you've had a past, right? Let's just say you've had a bad past relationship and you're you're going, you're jumping into the new relationship. And this is a good guy. If you're bringing that old baggage because you never closed that chapter, you never fully healed, it it's not, yeah. That most definitely is not gonna be good. Look, you cannot connect.

SPEAKER_03

We already know that connection comes in so many different ways, right? Yeah. Whether it's happy connections, love, right? Um, a respectful connection, um, intimacy, that's like the ultimate connection, right? Um, but when you are on that back end of your mind and thinking that portrayal is right there because you faced it. Maybe you faced it once, twice, three, four times, then that can really hit different, but open it up, open up to your spouse, your significant other, and let them know. And if they are able to acknowledge your pain, yeah, um, they will will walk with you, they'll hold your hand and you will find a way to work through it. Um, and and I think that's the process that sometimes gets scared uh because it's not in everybody's intuition to try to be that way.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_03

Uh from a man to a woman or a woman to a man. Um, but it's one of the things that I really feel that you can get past, but it has to be talked to. It has to be, you guys gotta communicate and you have to learn that, hey, I want to get better. I know that you want to get better. Yeah. So what can we do? If there is something that you can't do, and that you'll know, trust me.

SPEAKER_00

To meet in the middle.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You gotta have common grounds. Um, you just yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, you covered it. Yeah, you have to have common grounds. Otherwise, and if there's no intimacy, yeah. If there's no intimacy connection, or you can't even connect on that level, you're always arguing. Like you say, you always have that emotional wall up. Yeah, it ain't gonna work. Ain't gonna work, man.

SPEAKER_03

We gotta get better. Yeah. Look, now I'm gonna go ahead and jump into another uh question that I have that we have as well. And it kind of surrounds uh through the comment of sometimes spiritual language hides toxic behavior.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. Break it down.

SPEAKER_03

Why emotional safety matters before asking for loyalty? Okay. Uh, what respect actually looks like in a relationship? Uh, communication, consistency, honesty, and accountability.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So we ask why do some people demand relationship benefits without giving relationship treatment?

SPEAKER_00

Ooh, because either the woman or the man allows it, right? Yeah. A person's only going to push limits as far as you let them push limits. So if you're being with this person and you're playing housewife or househusband, and they, I mean, what what they have everything. You're not giving them nothing to work for no more. If you're not giving a person nothing to work for no more, and they already know the limits that they can push and where they can go with you, you're gonna get stretched out. And there it's is there's nothing for them to work for.

SPEAKER_03

And sometimes, look, like I said, sometimes you get an early relationship. I think that just the love is there. It's right. Maybe you haven't been with somebody for a while. Maybe you it's just something that's new. And I think sometimes there's a love high.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Right?

SPEAKER_03

Yes. And you just love and everything that happened. Maybe you get you flowers, maybe you go out on some great, amazing dates, maybe you like take a trip somewhere together, as an early in your relationship. Like the connection is there, but sometimes what happens is that it builds up in a way to where you kind of lean on having those benefits. Yeah. And it kind of skips away from what a relationship is supposed to really look like.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Um, and when that happens, it blindsides uh you your own commitment with that person uh because you don't know what that commitment really looks like. Is it really just the benefit that you're here for? And or is it really you trying to build relationships, a future together? Together, yeah. Right. And sometimes that fun moment, that that great lovely moment that you guys have, and you get to that moment, and then there's marriage and there's a proposal, it can go a long, long time where you feel like it's benefit and then get to a moment where that that you cross that path, and you're like, dang, I don't know. Is this person for me at this point?

SPEAKER_00

Do you think people tend not to cut you off, but do you think people tend to wait too long? Like, yeah, absolutely. Because well, my thing is, right? If you know it's the one, you know it's the one. You just know that if that connection's there, you're like, I just feel it, right? Because when you know, you kind of know. Um do you think when people, when when men or women wait that long, do you think they're just afraid of commitment? You gotta be afraid of commitment. Because if you love somebody, you're gonna be with them. Like, why are we together over a decade as partners? I'm your I've been your fiance for 10 years. Correct. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You cannot be in a relationship based off just benefits, okay? Yeah, for sure. You just can't.

SPEAKER_00

If you live and I mean you can, you can, but it ain't gonna go nowhere, but it ain't gonna last long, all right?

SPEAKER_03

Because when that wall hits, when that challenge in that relationship hits, financial, emotional, health, come on. There is so many couples out there that may have come across this situation and they ended with divorce, they ended with separation. Um, kids was involved. Maybe the benefit was having kids together. Yeah. And the kids kind of it's the benefit of staying together and you think that that's what it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_00

And can I ask an off-the-record question? Because I know I've met people that was like, I don't need a paper to tell me, to tell you that I love you. How do you feel about the kill? I don't need a document to say what we are, how serious we are. How do you feel about that? I know how I feel about that as a woman and as any woman should. How, like, why do men say that? And how do you feel about that as a man who's been married for 20 years? Do you feel like we needed a paper to say like we are together?

SPEAKER_03

First of all, the paper is only, in my point of view, is only the recording documentation that's there in the court stating that you guys are married.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

So do you really need a paper to say that I love you? Absolutely not. But if you really want to share that commitment, yeah, you really want to be there for that person and you guys really love each other. Um, that is not a certain comment. I mean, that didn't come up with me and you.

SPEAKER_00

No, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It didn't matter because when you know that you're marrying that person, if you know that you're committed with that person, on the finger. Yeah. Okay. So what if it takes you two years to have a ceremony?

SPEAKER_00

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Sorry, babe. Not to cut you off again. Or because I don't want this question to leave my head. How do you feel about women proposing because they're too impatient for the man to propose? Do you think because I think like now we're in a time where women are like, well, we could do what men do and men can do what like I think we're in this, this, this, this universe where everything is just Okay, check this out. How do you feel about that?

SPEAKER_03

I will never let you hold the door open for me.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

I'll never let you walk up to a car and open my door and say, get in, right? So if a female is gonna get on down her knees or ask me to marry her, I think that I'm probably gonna be like, why do you do that for her? Right? Because I don't know, it's just yes. I mean, look, I mean, we throw it out of my brain, and I'm gonna be like, damn, girl. Of course, I'm gonna say, yeah. I'm gonna be like, shoot, lock me in. Lock me, put it right there. Put it on my finger now. Hurry up. You know what I'm saying? But obviously, uh, I don't think there's nothing wrong with it. I just feel that it's just more, it's just you're more. As a man, you want to have that moment. So when a female does it, it's like, now you really can't do it. Unless you're like, hold on, hold on, stand up. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, now you can I'm gonna stay up, let's get married. Like, just jack the whole scary.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, so you have to answer. This is a yes or no question, y'all. Do you think it's appropriate for a woman to propose?

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

Is she robbing a man of that time? Yes, she is. Is she rushing him? You feel?

SPEAKER_03

That's a good one. Is she rushing?

SPEAKER_00

I don't, I want to say Is she putting him in an awkward position where he's like, damn, I can't even say no.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, I'll say yes, he's Russian if it's been a hot topic within the last six months, right? Like, man, when are you gonna when we're gonna get married? When we're gonna get married, you're like, man, a lot of fellas, you or you know, you be like, oh man, let me get, I gotta wait till I get my financials straight. I gotta wait till we're good, you know what I mean? So I know we can handle them, you know. Come on, like if that conversation keeps coming up and then she just out of the blue, she's like, would you marry me? I'm just like, why would she be back? What would you do that for, man? I told you, but I'm saying that ring fire, though. I'm like, marry me?

SPEAKER_00

Sure. Anyway, I'm gonna take that as no, it's not appropriate. Ladies, I'm a traditional kind of girl. Look, don't get on a knee. Please.

SPEAKER_03

Please don't, unless you got some rich, super rich parents. And you and look, I'm I'm going too far into it, but I don't care. If your parents, you know, if you know your bet your girl got some rich parents, don't mess that up now. Take that ring. It'll work out. It'll work out.

SPEAKER_00

Really? That's the advice you want to give?

SPEAKER_03

Yep. All right. So look, look, man. Stop drinking.

SPEAKER_00

I'm taking this wine. I'm going to take my glass.

SPEAKER_03

We're having a good time right now. All right. Look, look. All right. Check this out. Number five. The last one to break it down, right? Okay, okay. And this is about using spiritual spirituality, spirituality correctly in relationship, right? So spiritual gift, intuition, right?

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03

Should help uh communication, not replace it. Yes. Right. And talk about um talk about people weaponizing energy, vibes, or discernment instead of having honest conversation.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

So the question is: have you ever seen somebody use spirituality to avoid accountability?

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Well, God forgave me, so you should be forgiving me. God is not judging me, so you shouldn't judge me. It says in James, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they start quoting the whole scripture. Girl, say bye. I mean. If you're using a Bible as uh to weap or you if you're using the Bible to weaponize the situation, or like you say, to to avoid accountability, and you constantly quote the Bible to try to make me feel guilty.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Bye.

SPEAKER_03

Bye. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00

Because that's manipulation narcissists. Absolutely. Period.

SPEAKER_03

It's kind of it can kind of drag in that situation, right? I'm sorry, yeah. And if that spirituality is something that you carry on as far as what holds a relationship when you're committed to using that instead of being accountable for your action and what you do, um, I think it kind of puts a relationship in an unknown uh uh situation. Right, right? It's not a relationship, it's an unknown ship. Okay, yeah. So we don't want no unknown ships going on around here. We want relationships with what comes with communication, comes with accountability, it comes with uh corrective, accepting criticism, yeah, right and wanting to get better, right? No unknown shifts around here. We are in relationships, right? We're in what what we like to say, we're not in for the perfect, we're in for healthy relationships. All right, let's get there.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, for sure. No, we're not using Bible scriptures to make anybody feel bad and to try to skew away from the whole situation. Now, if we're on the other end of that and we were using God and Bibles to help us get better, praying with each other, praying for each other, that's two different things. Um, because for sure we couldn't have made it 20 years without having God as our foundation. You know, and I'm not gonna sit up here and be like we've quoted scriptures and we understand who God is, we read about God, we keep God in our in our relationship 100%. But one thing we don't do is weaponize God in our relationship. We don't ever use God to make each other feel guilty.

SPEAKER_03

I think God really likes that.

SPEAKER_00

No, maybe don't do that.

SPEAKER_03

All right, all right, man. Now we're gonna jump into our uh next segment. Uh we have some kind of like some discussion and a few other questions we would like to talk about. Yeah. So you ready to get up in it?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Let's get up in it. All right. All right, so we're gonna jump into our next segment, like I said. Yes, um, this is just uh what we like to call a bonus question. This is away from the comment. This is a random question that we kind of went through and said, man, we like to discuss this a little bit. Um, not too much, but kind of get into it. And it might be a good question if you're going or having this type of situation.

SPEAKER_00

So before you jump into it, cheers.

SPEAKER_03

Cheers up. Bro, we all this wine. Look, I ain't drunk. Yeah. Don't mind me.

SPEAKER_00

Jump into that question, Harry.

SPEAKER_03

Maybe not drunk more than you. Look at that. If you're looking on on our lovely uh video, look, you can see I drunk a little more.

SPEAKER_00

Get into the question, Harry.

SPEAKER_03

All right, look, look, all right. So the question is wanting commitment without accountability.

SPEAKER_00

Oh right. Me first, you.

SPEAKER_03

Whoa, how do you feel about wanting?

SPEAKER_00

I see that a lot.

SPEAKER_03

Without accountability.

SPEAKER_00

I see that a lot. I've I've I've seen people move in with each other and like again, housewife, house husband, and um they don't want that real commitment. They don't want that, you know, or I've seen people not live together, right? They're like, oh, you know, like you said, I gotta save up. We need this together, we gotta put this in place and this in place. And it's okay to have a plan, right?

SPEAKER_01

Correct.

SPEAKER_00

I'm not saying it's not good to have a plan, but when you're going on year five and you're saying the same thing, but you wanna, you wanna be uh at my house every pretty much every day, you know. You wanna, you, you wanna, we're doing, we're doing relationship things. We're doing merry folk things, but we're not married. We're not really fully committed. You still over there, I'm still over here. Or the ones that are living together, right? We're doing merry folk things. We're we're sleep, we're we're we're in we're going to bed together, we're waking up together, we're going to our separates for jobs, we got kids, we're doing everything that signifies that we are married, yet we're not married.

SPEAKER_03

I think that honestly, like how do you feel when you hear couples say that, oh, we've been together for eight years, ten years. We don't need a ring to put we don't need to get married. Like, we're practically married because we've been together for a long time.

SPEAKER_00

Um teach his own. I mean it depends. If it's if it's some like I I I feel like at that point, girl, if he ain't really stepped up to put a ring on your finger, then you're allowing him to you're not putting no pressure, like you're not, you're not setting boundaries. There you go. Well, can it it it it's about accountability, right? Right.

SPEAKER_03

So like you think that both partners could be avoiding accountability?

SPEAKER_00

I think so. It could be a it could be both. You're absolutely right. It could well be both women or woman, the woman and the man that are partaking in this, you know. That has that's why I said to each his own. Yeah, you know, but I'm talking in a perspective if a woman has been waiting for a man and this man is constantly making up excuses, but y'all living together, you guys have kids together, you guys practically do everything, then you might need to reevaluate the situation and set healthy boundaries.

SPEAKER_03

Right, check this out. Let's get into the world of that woman that is uh career-driven, right? Uh-huh. Pushing herself. You see the drive, she has a goal, and you don't want to mess that up. You know what I mean? Okay. And but you want commitment. Okay. You want her to commit to you, like as far as like want more time. That's out there. We can't. Let's say woman empowerment. Look, we're in that age now. I just you you y'all females are killing it out there.

SPEAKER_00

So are you saying she has a career, she's very busy. And are you so are you speaking on a man's perspective? You're like, hey, I want I want more time from you, but if we're gonna do this, is she waiting for him to propose, or he's waiting for her?

SPEAKER_03

Not about proposals, right? We're talking about wanting commitment. So from a man's perspective, he like, he wants commitment, more commitment out of him for the relationship, but she's not holding herself to be accountable for wanting that because she has dreams, she got goals, she's driven. Like, how long can or should a man stay if she's not trying to really be accountable for her, not really truly committing to a relationship?

SPEAKER_00

What is she doing wrong though? In my mind, your woman's out here grinding, she's doing what she gotta do, and you question me about that type of commitment, like, oh, I want you like that's already a red flag. If a man is not having your back on your career, especially if you're in the middle of building that career, and he ain't he ain't nah, he ain't taking the time to evaluate that situation, he that's selfish.

SPEAKER_03

Correct.

SPEAKER_00

I'm sorry, from my point of view, that's selfish. If I'm doing what I gotta do, I mean, when I was in nursing school, I had very little time for you. Did you say, I need more time, right? Or I'm leaving. Like, no, no, you're like, baby, do that, keep going.

SPEAKER_03

I knew what I you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00

So at the end of the day, that's selfish. That's very selfish. Selfish.

SPEAKER_03

I kind of look at that as like want a commitment without accountability. It looks like like you, there is there's a future talks that's happening. There is like, I want to have kids from a female perspective, right? I want to have kids, I want to have a family. Like, yeah, that's part of building commitment and uh uh from uh not being held in the sense of being accountable for like knowing that that person wants that and you just avoiding it because you're like I'm too busy, I'm too displayed.

SPEAKER_00

But you know that could go both ways too.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It could go, I mean, you're if you're speaking like he's wanting that from a woman, a woman can want that from a man too. It could it could, I think those situations and we have those real life situations where it really goes both ways, where they're having this talk, you know, like a man is like, I want kids, right? We see that we see that sometimes. I want kids, and you're too busy, and you know all of these things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Well, let's say about wanting commitment without accountability. Well, what about commitment when it comes to having kids and actually being in a kid's life and and and wanting to uh have that future with that other person, but they're saying that you're not really being accountable as far as the kids yourself and being in their kids' lives. Because you're working too much? You're too busy, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, you can have your opinion, but damn, if I'm out here making a life for me and my kids, I I I think that's a that's a thing where they would have to talk that out.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um, because now you're talking about kids being into the picture and our kids most definitely need our time. Again, I can attest to it. When I was a nursing school, you took more of that responsibility on of doing a lot, you know, cooking, cleaning. You really held down the house while I had while I did what I have to do. So I can't really speak on that because I had a great support system.

SPEAKER_03

I knew how I knew I had to make sure I was home. You always made it inside.

SPEAKER_00

I I was always in a position to where I was able to focus on what I wanted to do. So I'm gonna speak on that end of it. Like, I believe a support system from your spouse or significant other is very, very important.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

If you see that person is actively trying to pursue something to better their life, to better their children's life, to better our life collectively as one, right? Because we're one. Yeah, support that person.

SPEAKER_03

Support them. Look, fellas, females, yeah, ladies, all right. Let's we're about, like I said, healthy relationship. This is about having a healthy relationship, right? For sure. And the more you can avoid these situations, it might come. It might come.

SPEAKER_00

They're not always avoidable.

SPEAKER_03

They're not always avoidable. They might be small, they might be big.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But it's about taking time to know what you want and actually acknowledging each other. Okay. I love that word my wife said. Be intentional. Okay. Not just from fella's side, lady side too. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Be very intentional, guys. Please be intentional. Both sides.

SPEAKER_03

All right. All right. Now we're going to jump into our hot seat moment. Hot seat. Put it up in the air. You ready to a hot seat go? We're going to run through these questions, man. I got three. Wifey got two. It is going to be a yes or no. We're not going to jump in too much conversation. We just want to see, like, man, what's going on in the world of questioning with the hot seat now? That's going to drink the rest of my wine for this one. Are you going to shoot? All right, so.

SPEAKER_00

Are you taking a wine shot?

SPEAKER_03

I'm taking a wine shot.

SPEAKER_00

Is it shadow clock?

SPEAKER_03

Wine shot just happened.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. Wait, wait. Hold on.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, she's trying to catch up to me now. She ain't catching up. Alright? Oh, she's about to finish before me now. Okay. Maybe I tricked her into doing that. I ain't saying nothing. She's the same. All right. It's a little trickery, fella. Learn. All right. So alright. All right. I got the first one for you. Okay? Let's go. Alright. If I handed you my phone right now, is there anything you'll want to delete before I look?

SPEAKER_00

No.

SPEAKER_03

No? Come on, man.

SPEAKER_00

Delete before you look? Are we talking about notifications?

SPEAKER_03

No, right?

SPEAKER_00

No.

SPEAKER_03

No? All right. I believe that.

SPEAKER_00

I don't know what I'm deleting.

SPEAKER_03

Right?

SPEAKER_00

I think we touched base last week about me deleting your emails because it's annoying, but not because I don't want you to look.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Well, guess what? It's a no, and I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00

It's a no.

SPEAKER_03

All right. Number two. Okay. Who do you trust more? Me or your best friend? And why?

SPEAKER_00

You, first of all, let me just break this down. Please keep your friends out of your relationship. Okay. Yes, they can have their input. Yes, they can say what they want to say. Keep them far away because they're not sleeping with your man. And your man not sleeping with it. Like, no, that is y'all's space. And sometimes it's even better to keep your business to yourself. The less opinions you got in your business, the more you don't have to worry about all the noise and the voices. Figure out whatever you're going through with your man, with your woman. You guys are sleeping together in a relationship. Oh. That's all I gotta say.

SPEAKER_03

Drop the mic. Oh, am I dropping it? I can't say nothing because we're in a hot seat. So that just drop the mic. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00

But true stories. Don't do that.

SPEAKER_03

All right. Number three. Have you ever told a lie in this marriage? I still don't know about. Yes or no? Only just yes or no.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

All right. That's how we keep it, just like that.

SPEAKER_00

Not a bad lie. That's how we keep it. Just like that. It's not a bad lie. I've made some purchases. Hey, look. Is this a yes or no? We don't have to look.

SPEAKER_03

I don't need a no. It's just a yes or no. Okay. Because I'm gonna forget by tomorrow. I'm gonna forget by tomorrow. It's gonna be nothing. All right. All the time. All right, come on. Hit me, hit me, hit me.

SPEAKER_00

All right. What's the most jealous you've ever been? Did you tell me at the time?

SPEAKER_03

Uh the only most jealous I've ever been was I guess the situation back in Vegas, right? Talking to that dude. And I told you at the time.

SPEAKER_00

My friend.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, so I told him at the time. So look. Corrected that real quick. He was like, I was the whole time jealous. You know what I'm saying? I didn't I never knew how I felt until that night.

SPEAKER_00

Like, I didn't think that was jealous, though. I think you were kind of setting a boundary. Like, look, babe. I'm not mad at you talking to bro.

SPEAKER_03

I only say that because me personally, you know me. I I like I don't trip. Like it's yeah, I I'm really like it takes a lot for him to take a lot for me to trip. So I think a little bit of jealousy.

SPEAKER_00

Which is why I respected it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Because, you know, she's always like, man, why did you get to talk to my wife right now? And I can't. Some bull crap. Healthy jealousy. Healthy jealousy.

SPEAKER_00

That was a healthy destroying.

SPEAKER_03

Hey, we're still here. Yeah. It didn't destroy us, right?

SPEAKER_00

Because I listened. You know. I was intentional with my listening, guys.

SPEAKER_03

All right.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Hate me.

SPEAKER_00

All right. The moment you knew you can really trust me was when?

SPEAKER_03

When you have my first baby girl. I knew it. Got it. Touching for life. She done made it this far? With me, nine months? With me, that young? That so immature. Yeah. I mean, not too immature, but still, she lasted that long and she allowed me to give her $100 a week. All I had to do was give her $100 a week back then. You know, $100 a lot back then. That's all I knew. Give her $100 a week. She was happy. I already knew right there.

SPEAKER_00

$2005, that was a lot of money.

SPEAKER_03

$100 a week? Man, I could trust this girl right here.

SPEAKER_00

You know what? Let's let these people get out.

SPEAKER_03

All right, y'all.

SPEAKER_00

Hey, go do what y'all gotta do.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, thank you so much for tuning in to We Need to Talk with Harry and Sade. This is episode two. We're dropping this, these episodes every week. If you have a comment, if you have a question you would like us to be able to discuss, break down, please go ahead. Can we read them? We check them out. Yes, respond back, and we just let you guys know that hey, we're gonna talk about your question. You know what I mean? That's what we're here to do. We're here to help not build perfect relationships, but build healthy relationships. So comment, like, share, subscribe, subscribe, do what you want. Watch, uh, rewatch it. If you like to support our channel, go ahead and support our channel if you want to go ahead and do so, so we can keep on bringing you this content, keep on bringing you guys these conversations, and hope that we can help y'all because and if you want to hear again, I don't know if you said it, maybe you did.

SPEAKER_00

If you want to hear anything, if you have any suggestions, any comment or topics that you want us to discuss, please, please. We're here, we will discuss them, guys.

SPEAKER_03

We're on Spotify, we're on Apple, YouTube, we're on YouTube, uh, we're on iHeart. We're kind of everywhere right now. So just tune in where you fit in and listen, and let's grow together as couples, right? Yes. All right, so we'll see y'all on the next one, man. Thank y'all.