The Pre-Teen Years

As children grow, our role as caregivers shifts, often in ways we don't expect. In this episode Rebecca and Meredith move into age twelve, exploring what it means to stay connected with a pre-teen, what it looks like when kids can still come to you with anything, and how the foundation you've been building since they were small starts to show up in your relationship now.

Whether you're parenting a twelve-year-old, long past it, or just thinking about what twelve was like for you, there's something here for you.

Be curious. Be kind. Start with yourself.

Thriving Humans is hosted by Rebecca Thompson Hitt and Meredith Alvarado. Follow and subscribe wherever you listen.

Radical Rest Retreats, both online and in person, are coming soon!

Podcast artwork: Visual Medicine paintings by Rebecca Thompson Hitt

Theme music composed and performed by Chris Peña · chrispenamusic.com

Transcript

Rebecca 0:01

Welcome back to Thriving Humans. Last week we talked about what it looks like to be a secure base for a four-year-old and an eight-year-old, encouraging them to go out and being there for them when they come back.

Meredith 0:14

And today we're going to move into talking about 12-year-olds, which is its own world entirely.

Rebecca 0:22

It really is. And I want to say before we get into it, whether you're parenting a 12-year-old right now, or you're long past it, or you're just thinking about what 12 was like for you, there's something here for you.

Meredith 0:36

Right. Because the thing is, we all were 12 once at some point in time. And a lot of us are still carrying something from that time.

Rebecca 0:48

Yes, yes, yes. And we're also going to mention that age 15 is coming. We're going to give it its own conversation because it deserves that. So if you're in that season right now, hang tight. But first, 12. Oh, so tell me about 12 with your kiddo.

Meredith 1:08

Yes. Oh, 12 is so interesting. And this, I would say, is the one age that I feel like I remember the most about from my childhood because the earlier years, not so much. But boy, the preteen time, right? Um 12 is like in the thick of we're almost a teenager and yet we're not. There are all these things happening physically, developmentally. And obviously that's a range, right? From like 10 to 12 is really when a lot of that can happen. And so for me, it was memorable because I feel like I still wanted to be a kid. That society, the media, uh, other kids at school were like, well, but we're so close, close to being a teenager that we we want to act like a teenager already. Like, let's just rush it and let's pretend we're teenagers and let's talk about things like romantic relationships and our body shapes and sizes. And I remember just not feeling ready and not wanting to participate. Yet when you're a part of a society and I did go to school, and so I was surrounded by other kids the same age all day long, every single day, it was really overwhelming for me. And I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to because I was an only child with essentially no friends. I kind of went through my entire childhood experience with almost no friends. I got some friends when I was in maybe the 14, 15 year old, 15-year-old range. They were older. They graduated from high school, then I was friendless again. So I didn't have a big community. I didn't have extended family besides being an only child. I had zero cousins, no aunts and uncles, one grandparent that lived in another city. So I really remember 12 as being difficult. Interestingly, my experience parenting was really easy with this age. And my kiddo had a whole different situation because they didn't go to school. By this time, they felt really confident in who they were as a person and they didn't care what other people thought. They had their own style, their own outlook on life. And I loved that. I loved it for that experience for them that they were having. I loved it for me because honestly, we didn't butt heads, we didn't disagree about things very often. We got along really well. So it was just an interesting experience to see them being able to be who they were when I recalled not being able to be who I truly was or express what I wanted, how I wanted to spend my time. So that was, yeah, it was a very, very interesting experience. Um, what I recall about sort of the where is my role and what am I doing is that they still really, really needed me to be there often, listening to their experiences, engaging with them in play. So I remember this being the time period where they liked to pretend to play school. And so it was so interesting because what they would learn about school was from books, primarily, because they were a big reader. And I remember at this age, we played school so authentically that there needed to be multiple teachers in the day. So good thing I wasn't a performing artist, right? Because they had read that like in junior high or middle school, you know, kids would go to school and have six or seven different classes. So I was the math teacher and the art teacher and the English teacher. And then I also got to be the bus driver and the lunch lady, which was lots of opportunities there. They also wanted pretend tests or real tests, whatever, right? Like wherever I could get those resources. Um, they wanted like the bell to ring and they wanted report cards. It was so exhausting. I was like, whoo! It was also a time for me to start thinking about boundaries, which I know we're gonna talk about at a later episode. It was also a time for me to think, wait, okay, so yes, they need and want me near. And also, I'm exhausted because I've been doing this for 12 years. What do they actually need versus want? What is their preference versus what could they do on their own? Wait a minute. Do I have to say yes to everything that they want me to participate in? Because, hey, they've actually been walking places by themselves since they were 10. They can actually ride their bike to activities and they have been. So balancing that was kind of hard sometimes because I wouldn't necessarily know right away. Wait, is this something that's I should be doing for their safety? Is it something that they just need some support with that they want some emotional connection on? And how am I feeling about this? Do I have the capacity to be seven to nine people in the span of a four hour?

unknown 6:42

Like that, right?

Meredith 6:44

Like, hmm, like, is this a nice to have? Is this something that maybe I need to assert my needs on? So I definitely remember this time period having all of those things sort of thrown up in the air, and then my needing to figure out how to catch them and support our family in the best way. Right, right, right, right.

Rebecca 7:09

Yeah. Wow. I'm just taking all that in and and um the ways that your kiddo went out on the circle and what that looked like, and and it sounds like some pretty good, you know, length distance, you know, physically distance. Um, and then also the coming back in, and hey, I'm trying to connect with you, and then you being able to say, hmm, is this way of connecting working for me? Am I willing to be seven different people in one day? Am I in four hours? Am I am I willing? Am I okay with that? And being able to communicate that, yes, no, you know, and and like you said, we're gonna explore boundaries way more in our next episode. And boundaries don't have to start at 12, but I love that that that for you was a real moment of well, wait, what is it that I'm needing here? And and the and just the different ways that coming back in looked. I'm really taking that in. They wanted to tell you all kinds of things and tell you about experiences that's coming back in on the circle. And that's one of the things that I hear from so many parents who are doing things differently and who have created this space where their kids can come and talk to them about kinds of different things, is that they do. And there are these moments of my gosh, my child told me blank, followed by I would never have told my parents this at this age. But that is a healthy relationship, they can come in and know that they're going to be met. And that's another way that that looks at 12. This is when many children start becoming much more secretive, much more. I'm just gonna keep things inside because it's not safe. And so when our kids can still come in at 12 and share, hey, I had this experience. I found this thing when I was on the computer that you know made me really upset and I don't understand what I saw. And can I tell you about it? That's coming in on the circle at 12. We want them to be able to do.

Meredith 9:40

Absolutely. And I had the good fortune of having that experience with my kiddo, of of having them be able to share. And that's when it's great when we have some feedback to think, hey, okay, well, if they're trusting me with this information, like what a great thing, right? Even though sometimes we don't know how to react, or we don't know what right? Oh my gosh. Right. That experience. We're like, oh, how do I react to this? So there's that moment, right? And also it's like when we're able to slow down and stop and think, this is actually great. Even if I need a moment to figure out how to handle it, it's such a testament to how comfortable they feel, which means I'm on the right track, right? So having those moments also to celebrate, because I feel like we think so much about what's hard and what we need help with, right? Because that's going to be at the top of our mind. And also having those moments to think, ah, let me just celebrate and congratulate myself in this moment that I realize some of these things are paying.

Rebecca 10:48

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's a great place to pause for today. Uh, really, it's an interesting experience, even as you and I have been talking about these different developmental ages and stages and when you stay in connection, what that looks like. Because these things that we do at as a baby, these things that we do when they're four and eight, make a huge difference when they're 12 and 15 and 18. Yeah. And really, if we keep nothing else with us, it's what does my child need when they're going out right now? What is it that they're doing when they're coming back in? Can I meet them when they're coming back in? Am I creating a secure base for them to go out into the world, knowing that they can come back in? And I'll be here. Or we, hopefully, it's a we, we will be here, that it's more than one person who is there and more than one resource. So, you know, and that our kids know that too. Any any closing thoughts from you, Meredith?

Meredith 12:06

You know, I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is we often are just thinking about what's happening right in this moment. Like, let me get through this day, right? Or this particular challenge. And what I want to share is that we get to start over each time. So we handle things the best way we can, regardless of what age or stage that our kiddos are at. And then we learn things, we reflect. We can also always go back to them and talk about things. If we've had more thoughts or we wish we would have handled something differently, there's always an opportunity to do better the next time, the next day, even the next moment. So, you know, while we reflect on some of these, if people are thinking, oh, well, I wish I'd done this or I wish I had done that, because I think sometimes we do have the tendency to do that as parents, it's going to be okay, right? Because we always have new opportunities. And there's no point in dwelling on the past to the point of, you know, where it's not helpful, right? Because we're going to have a new opportunity to make a different choice, right? If we're still alive, then we always have an opportunity to do something different the next time. So that's something that I feel like helped me as a parent as we as I went along these different stages. There will always be a new opportunity as your parenting, even as your kiddo gets older, you've have these touch points and these opportunities for connection. So we can learn and do better the next time.

Rebecca 13:45

And yes, be kind to yourself, especially if you're trying to do something different. It it is a journey. It is, it is not an event where we wake up the next day and everything is just great. It's a journey. So be gentle with yourself. So yeah, thank you so much, Meredith. This has been lovely as as always. And uh we'll be back next time to talk about boundaries. Yay, thank you so much.