Boundaries

We hear a lot about setting boundaries. What we hear less about is how to know what your boundary even is, especially when you've spent years prioritizing everyone else's needs over your own.

In this episode Rebecca and Meredith reframe boundaries entirely: not as walls or ultimatums, but as acts of self-knowledge and honesty. They talk about what happens to relationships when we say yes and mean no, how to recognize your body's signals, and why slowing down is the only way to get there.

Try this: think of one clear yes in your body. Think of one clear no. Notice the difference.

Be curious. Be kind. Start with yourself.

Thriving Humans is hosted by Rebecca Thompson Hitt and Meredith Alvarado. Follow and subscribe wherever you listen.

Radical Rest Retreats, both online and in person, are coming soon!

Podcast artwork: Visual Medicine paintings by Rebecca Thompson Hitt

Theme music composed and performed by Chris Peña · chrispenamusic.com

Transcript

Rebecca 0:00

So we want to talk about what are boundaries anyway. Why do they matter? And what do they look like in real life? Because we may have ideas of what a boundary is, we may have ideas of why it matters, and we may have different ideas of what it looks like in reality that may not be what we're talking about. Because I think, as maybe you figured out by now, we think differently, we talk about things differently. So the way we're going to talk about this is probably not the way that you've thought about it before. Yeah. So so let's start with what is a boundary anyway? Do you want to start with that, Meredith?

Meredith 0:43

Sure. So what I like thinking about when it comes to boundaries is more about myself, right? Or the person who's thinking about the boundary. It's not something that we can do for someone else, because as we know, we can only control our behavior and we cannot control what someone else does or even how they react. So when I think about boundaries, I'm thinking about what's going on for me, what's happening for me right now, what do I know I need? What do I know is not going to work for me? And how am I going to be able to express that in the moment or in an appropriate way with different people at different times? Because depending on the relationship, the boundary itself, as well as how it's communicated, is going to look different. So that's kind of my like quick and dirty summary of what I think about in terms of what boundaries actually are.

Rebecca 1:50

Right. And I think it's so important to remember that we're starting with ourselves. We're starting not with what someone else is going to do that we want them to do. That's not actually a boundary, but it's what we're going to do. It's what's happening for us, it's what we need. And then how do we communicate that? And like you said, depending upon the person, how old the person is, the relationship, what's going on, it's going to look different in every possible scenario. But there are basic ideas that can help guide. So why do boundaries matter? Why, why is it important? Because I think people need to understand the why. What happens if we don't have boundaries, Meredith?

Meredith 2:39

Yes. So two major things that come to mind for me are the effects that that has on myself, the person, right, that we're talking about with the boundary, and the effects it has on the relationship. So when we don't have boundaries, when we're not communicating them clearly, when there's some confusion about them, first of all, how does that make us feel? It definitely sends us into a place of not feeling grounded, not feeling like we have a firm foundation. We can lose sense of who we are, even though we know who we are. Um, sometimes that can slip away from us. And then, wait, what am I actually saying? What am I actually doing? Is this me talking? Is this me living my life? Uh so there's that. And then the other piece that I think about is the relationship with the person. Because likely, while there are instances of our needing to set a boundary with a complete and total stranger that we will never see again, sure, most of the time in our day-to-day life, this is with people that we are going to come across again and again, potentially on a daily basis, certainly regularly. And so, what do our boundaries mean for that relationship, not just in this moment, but continuing on and on? And how do we want that to look?

Rebecca 3:57

Right, right. Because if if someone is doing something and it's not working for us, and we continue, and that person continues doing something, then how what happens to the relationship? You start resenting that person, you start feeling bad, and then that person feels that. And if you're not communicating, they don't know what it's about. If you're not saying, hey, I'm not okay when this happens. Yeah, so I'm I'm thinking about I'm thinking about one of my clients, and um, she's a young adult, and she had moved in with some friends. She was going to college and had moved in with some friends. She thought it was going to be so much fun and so great. And as soon as she um got into this new place, her friend started asking to borrow her car. And she wasn't really okay with that. And so she kept coming back and saying, Rebecca, Rebecca, I like, I don't know what to do. I'm not okay. But it's so hard to say no. Because, you know, she's just gonna drive it down to, you know, it's 10 minutes to go to the store. You know, it's not that big of a deal. But when she would check in with herself, she wasn't okay with it. And I watched her, and I watched that relationship erode over the course of the year. She did eventually say no, you cannot use my car, but then it was the dishes. Then it was something else. It was just this constant, this doesn't feel good, and and you're encroaching on my boundaries, and it doesn't feel good. And then I had to figure out what to do about it, and it ultimately really harmed the relationship. So, so there is the how did she feel? How did her roommate feel? And then what happened to the relationship? Because it actually was impacting all three.

Meredith 5:55

Yep. And that's common. It's a really common story. I'm guessing everybody listening to this right now can think of a time when they felt some sort of resentment about what was going on, and boundaries were involved, and perhaps even can think of relationships that have changed drastically and or ended because of that being the route. That's right.

Rebecca 6:22

That's right. And so this is why this is so important. It's not something that would be nice. Oh, it'd be nice if I could say no to this, but it's actually essential for our well-being, for us to thrive. We have to be able to say no. And we have to be able to say yes and mean it. Because that also has an impact on the relationship. So I know that I was before this, we were talking a little bit about if you are a parent and your child wants you to read a story, and you don't want to read a story right now, and that's not where you are. Maybe you need to go to the bathroom, and or maybe there's something else going on, you're starving. Maybe there's something else going on for you that you need to take care of yourself, and you don't have a yes. And if you read the story anyway, what happens? How does that feel for you? How does that feel for your child? And what does that do to the relationship? So you really have a no, but you said yes anyway. And I think all of us have done this probably thousands of times. And then what happens when you have a yes? So let's say this parent takes a moment, goes to the bathroom, gets a sandwich, and then says, Okay, I'm ready now. I can really be with you. Okay, now I'm saying yes with my whole self, with my whole heart. Now I sit down and I read, and I can be present. What does that do for me? What does that do for the the child, and what does that do for our relationship? So this is important.

Meredith 8:08

This is important. That's huge. And when I think about how many times we come into these interactions. So, for an example, in addition to yours, which I've experienced personally, um, for you know, folks who are interacting with adults, let's say, in these types of situations, one that I find that comes up a lot is maybe you know, you're on a committee on a team to do something, maybe you're on a board or you're on a group project, you know, all kinds of things. And people are diving out work and they're asking to, you know, maybe delegate some things and they ask you to do something. For me, my experience often leads me to groups where I do a lot of things because I'm good at organization, I meet due dates, things like that. So I'll be asked to take care of a piece of this project and I'll say, sure, okay. And then more will come, or that project expands somehow. Well, I know I said it was this, but I'm actually gonna need you to be at this meeting. I'm gonna need you to do this call, and also I'm gonna need you to like write up this whole thing. And all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, and my yeah, exactly. And the maybe the uh the part of me that wants to make everyone happy thinks, oh, well, I I committed to this. I said I would do it. So maybe I should do all of these things that are coming my way, right? Well, what's happening? I'm gonna overextend myself. I'm super stressed out. That alone is gonna affect my health. Then I'm gonna come at it with resentment, like you just said in your example. Maybe I'll do those things, but I'm like grumbling about it and I'm sitting in the meeting and I'm like, I don't want to be here. I want, you know, like I don't really have the time to be here. I'd rather be somewhere else. All of that comes out. And then the relationship within the group suffers. Maybe I'm whatever it is I deliver that I think I'm doing them a favor for kind of sucks because when I have that energy and I come to something, I'm not gonna be super creative. I'm not gonna be positive. And whatever product I put out, not gonna be great. The other people on the team, or even just the person that asked me to do it, is going to feel that. And now they may think, oh, should we, is there a problem? Maybe we shouldn't be working with her on this, should we ask somebody out? And it creates this whole thing, right? So that's like a different way where it can show up within a different dynamic, and it's still the same issue, right? It's did we know what our boundary was? Did we communicate it?

Rebecca 10:43

Right, right. And and to, in order to be able to say no, we have to recognize that our boundaries have been crossed, that it's not okay for us. And so this might be a really great time to just take a moment and really think about what does a yes feel like for you? So for me, I love going to the sunset. I love going and watching the sunset on the water. It is one of my favorite things. And when I think about going to see the sunset, my whole body just settles. And I feel so, and then, and then at the same time, there's the settling, but then there's also this excitement. Like now there's energy that's moving towards that. Like, yes, when is it? When can I go? Like, where are my keys? Let's go. So it's a yes. And then, so I want you to just take a moment. Do you have something that is a yes that you can feel in your body and notice what happens? Something that that you are really excited to do. Maybe that for you is um, you know, going out on your boat, or maybe it's going outside in nature. Maybe it's there's so many things that could be a yes. Uh, maybe it's cuddling with with your child if you're a parent. Um, when you are well rested, and then you have a yes. You know, what is it? Where is your yes, and what does that feel like in your body? And then conversely, think of something that is a super clear no. That no matter there's no convincing you that this is a good idea. And maybe it's a particular food that you hate. Maybe it is um somewhere that you don't like to go, maybe it's a particular task, like, oh god, I've got to clean the gunk out of the sink. You know, the the food, the bits that have ended, like I hate, I hate that. That's a no. I I have someone else do that. If they put the things in the sink, because I don't do that, then they I have a no. So, what does that no feel like? So in my body, like I feel this repulsion. I feel I want to I want to push away, and it's uh like a like a constriction. I feel a constriction in my body. So think of something for you that's a no, and notice what happens in your body because that can be really, really helpful in those situations that are more ambiguous because most are not these polarities of oh, it's a definite yes or it's a definite no. But if you have some sense of what your yes feels like and what your no feels like, it makes it easier to navigate those things that are a little bit murkier. So, in order to have a boundary, we need to know if we have a no about something. So let's talk a little bit about that, Meredith. Let's talk a little bit about how we end up not knowing how we feel about something. And if it's a yes or it's a no, how do we end up in that situation where as adults we don't even know?

Meredith 14:29

It is so interesting because what I have found is that most of us have been socialized by our society in such a way to often put external messaging first. So rather than going within, slowing down, being quiet, it's well, this person has this opinion. And but what my mom says is really important, or what my partner says is really important, or I really love this person I work with and I I love their lifestyle, but they're doing this and they think that everyone should do this in this way. So after a time of that, which is interesting because I feel like kids are great about listening to themselves, and you can also often watch how they're being affected by those around them, and you can sometimes see that change. So when we get to be adults, we have internalized all these messages. And so we're not even realizing what our choices are that are from us, and which ones are actually just messages we received that they think we think we should be doing, right? So I think to start with, it's just acknowledging and realizing that we may be walking around with ideas that aren't ours. And are we open to releasing those so that we can get down to the heart of the matter and really be able to hear those answers about what is for us and what is not for us? Will we be able to heal rather, will we be able to feel the feelings like you just described? What is a no feel like and what does a yes feel like? And all that comes back around to slowing down because the other thing that happens is that even if we're not listening to external messages, when we are really tightly scheduled, when we are taking care of other people, sometimes before we take care of ourselves, we're not taking the time to make those realizations come out for us. So that's what I've noticed about how we get to that point of not necessarily knowing right away what our yeses are, what our no's are, and therefore what the boundary needs to be in that moment.

Rebecca 17:00

Right. And I think part of the socialization, part of the way that we are socialized is that we need to keep going and keep doing, and that there isn't space built in for pausing. I mean, I'm thinking about my youngest, and he from pretty young was very insistent that he needed a rest day, he needed time off, he needed. And so we actually found him a school that had a flexible schedule. It was a an unschooling school, a Sudbury school. So that he could keep listening to himself. And so the schedule was flexible. And now as an adult, I see that he can say, No, actually, I can't do, I can't work four days in a row or five days in a row or whatever it is that you're trying to put me on the schedule for. That doesn't work for me. But most of us lose that capacity because someone from the outside is saying, no, school is five days a week. You need to go and it needs starts at this time and is it ends at this time, and that's the way that it is. And that erodes our sense of knowing of ourselves, knowing what it is that we're really needing, and then being able to say, this is important. What I'm feeling I'm needing is important, and it's important enough for me to say no and deal with pushback if there, if there is pushback, that that belongs to the other other person and it's not about him. I I'm I'm I marvel at him with his capacity to do that for himself. It's like, wow, wow. Yes, what a gift. Yeah. And good reminder for me, because even though I supported him to do that, that's not my native language. It's his native language, it's not mine.

Speaker 2 18:44

Yeah.

Rebecca 18:47

So, but we have to be able to slow down, just like I see my son doing. I see him slowing down and saying, Well, what do I need? He was he was talking one morning about how he was getting, he was, he had a morning off and he woke up and he said, What do I need today? And he said, I think I need to go outside and I want to go to the park. And so that's what he did to take care of himself. But it's because he's slowing down to connect in. So we have this culture that is constantly trying to make us just keep going, just keep going, just keep going. And we can't connect with ourselves when we're going at that pace. So the first thing we need to learn to do is to pause, is to say, okay, what's happening for me? I'm gonna slow down. I'm and even if things keep coming at me, I'm gonna say, I need a minute. I need to figure out what it is here that I'm needing, what's happening for me. And unless someone is in an emergency situation, you can take five minutes and connect in with yourself. But it's essential because how we get railroaded into things is by not pausing. Because we don't know what it is we're needing, because then we're gonna go into the default, like with your example, you're just gonna show up and just keep trying to do all of the project pieces because someone just told you to do it. But if you pause and you say, Well, wait, how does this feel for me? Is this gonna work for me? This is actually what I agreed to, and this is what I can do. Or maybe I could do this one other piece, but I can't do these other six. But that comes from just slowing down and checking in with yourself, which is countercultural.

Meredith 20:41

Yes. Once again, something that's radical, and people will think, oh, well, how could I possibly do that? And it actually reminds me of this story that I want to say is Buddhist, although I may be wrong about that. It's however, uh, a story where there are two individuals talking, and I think one is saying, I can't possibly meditate. You know, my life is getting too busy, I don't have time. And then the spiritual leader, I believe, says something to the effect of, then you need to meditate twice as long in those moments where you feel your life is so full that you can't possibly do that. You need to do it more. And I like that because I find that we can translate that to many activities in our life that involve slowing down and resting and taking care of ourselves, because that will often be the first to go when in fact that needs to be the thing to expand when we're feeling that way.

Speaker 2 21:48

Mm hmm.

Rebecca 21:50

Right. Right. And it is sometimes the thing that we most need is in the opposite direction of what we think and what we've been trained to do.

Speaker 2 22:05

Mm-hmm.

Rebecca 22:06

And many of us who are socialized as women are also very good at knowing what everybody else needs, like that external focus that you were talking about. But we're trained from the time that we were small to know everything that's happening all around us outside and make sure that we're taking care of other people. We're taking care of other people's needs and less training with, well, what's actually happening for us? And I remember, I remember being in therapy. I had a really great therapist, and she was noticing how good I am at tracking everybody else. And she said, you know, when you start trying to pay attention to yourself, you can't track other people and yourself at the same time. That you actually have to say, okay, yep, this is what's happening out here, and then come inside and check in with what's happening here. And that you cannot hold them both. And that's what I was trying to do. Like, well, I'm trying to hold this and I'm trying to hold myself. She's like, stop. She just said, stop. Just check in with what's going on for you. Scan your body without noticing. Do you have tight muscles? Can you feel your feet? Are you even in your body? And so that that that idea of if you're socialized to be really good at what's happening out here, that it is a process to get to the place where you can begin to notice what's happening in here. And that it requires that pause.

Meredith 23:58

And I think it's beautiful that you shared the story about your son because sometimes we get inspired by seeing other people doing it. And we can take a page from that book, take that as inspiration, take that as motivation. Like, oh, okay, wow. I just noticed that this person noticed what they needed, did that. That might not be what everybody else thought they would do, or what everybody else around them is doing in that moment. Huh. I wonder how that would look for me. I wonder what that would feel like. And just being curious and exploring that idea.

Rebecca 24:39

Absolutely. Absolutely. And and I think that just the word curiosity reminds me that we may think we have to know what it is and we have to have it figured out. But it's an experiment. It's be curious. What would happen if you tried something? What would happen? How would that feel for you? What if you said, I just need a minute and experiment and see what happens? If you've never done it before, what happens? And and and other people may have feelings about that. So that's the other thing that you mentioned earlier as well is, you know, we can't control how the other people's people are going to respond when we're needing something, when we're trying to make space with for our own needs, when we're trying to set a boundary. Somebody else might not like it at all. And that's not our responsibility. And that doesn't mean that we are wrong if someone else is having feelings about what it is that we're saying we need. That doesn't mean that it's wrong. Or that we're bad or that we're doing something wrong.

Meredith 25:55

And that's so helpful. So thank you for saying that because I think that a lot of times people need to hear that specific idea. I know that as a parent, I definitely needed to hear that multiple times because there would be instances where my young person wanted something in that moment and was being very vocal about it. And that definitely brought up feelings for me. And I would often acquiesce to whatever the request was, regardless of how I felt, regardless of whether it was really a yes, and over time then struggled with the resentment and my response and, you know, the potentially the relationship. And thankfully, at some point, I realized that not only was I not bad or wrong, and that it was okay for me to take care of myself, that also it was a good example to my young person in those moments, because at some point they were going to need to be in the other position of someone asking something of them. And they were absorbing and noticing how I was responding. So that was also helpful for me. Like not only is it not wrong or bad, it's actually a benefit, a favor, and a help to people, whether they're our kids or our friends or whoever it is, to model that method. Because all of us as humans will struggle with this challenge. So everyone can benefit from a good example in paying attention to what they need.

Speaker 2 27:45

Mm-hmm.

Rebecca 27:46

Right. Right. And so many of us didn't grow up with examples of what that looks like and how powerful it has been in my life to watch the people who can say no, the people who know how to navigate their needs in a situation where maybe someone disagrees. Like I'm staying with my friend, uh, and yesterday someone came to the door and she was working, and she, you know, they kept ringing the doorbell and kept knocking. And so she went downstairs and she said, I can't talk now. I'm busy. I'm sorry, you know. And then she just closed the door, locked it, and came back upstairs. And I was like, wow. There was no ambiguity. She knew exactly what she needed. She knew exactly where her boundary was. And if the other person had feelings about it, it wasn't her responsibility. I think she said, Yeah, yeah, I can talk about that tomorrow or whatever. You know, she just, you know, I can't right now. And and it's we need those examples of what it looks like of someone taking care of themselves, of someone saying, This is not what I can do right now.

Meredith 29:04

Yeah, your door example actually reminds me of another really great example I haven't thought about for years. And it was when I was meeting with a friend who was serving as my financial advisor, and we were at the table in the kitchen, and she was helping me through spreadsheets and budgeting and projections, and the doorbell rang. So I got up to get it, and it was a salesperson. This is so funny. I remember, I don't even remember what they were selling. I used to have the hardest time saying no to people who would knock on my door because I'd feel sorry for them. Oh, this is their job. They face rejection all the time. Don't remember what it was. I do remember not wanting it. And yet, I told this person to hold on and I went into the kitchen to pick up my checkbook because I was gonna buy whatever it was. I don't know, chocolate magazines, no clue. And my friend said, What who is that? You know, what are you doing? And I said, Oh, it's this person. They're selling something. And she says, Do you want that? And I'm like, no, but I feel bad. So I'm just gonna, you know, buy like the lowest level. And she stands up from the table, takes the checkbook out of my hand, and says, Charity starts at home. I'll be right back. And she goes through the front door and politely gets rid of the person. I don't even know what she said. It was so funny. And then closed the door, sat back down. And she's like, Okay, you do realize we're sitting here talking about your budget and your needs and your goals and what you want. And so what just happened didn't necessarily line up with what you were just telling me. It was so funny. So, um, anyway, another example, right? It's like we can even be in the moment thinking that's you know, paying lip service to what it is we need. And it can sometimes be hard when we're faced with the people and the emotions. And it's still okay. We can do it. Everything was fine. I managed to escape with my checkbook intact, no one fell through the floor. It was all great. So right, right.

Rebecca 31:04

And that's a great example of someone you'll never see again. And that, you know, this is a boundary and this is what that can look like, you know. And also, what a great thing. What a great gift that you had someone who could say, wait, is this what you want? Do you want do you want to do this? Do you want to buy this thing right now? No, okay, okay. So, and then she could support that next step of, well, this is what that boundary then looks like. Yeah. Great example. Great example. Yeah, but I want to go back to, you know, how we are modeling. Your friend was modeling, my friend was modeling. We need those examples. Our kids, if we have kids, they need the example. And it's preferable if they don't have to wait for a random stranger who might be able to uh give them an example. It's great if they can have that example from us when they're still at home with us. Right? And and that is one of the biggest gifts that we can give our children and that we can give our friends. Our, you know, your friend gave you such a gift, being able to say, no, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go take care of this. Give me your checkbook. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I I guess I want to talk a little bit about, you know, I I'm thinking about even with my friend when she went downstairs and she said no. You know, I I felt this twinge of, oh God, you know, she just she just basically slammed the door in their face. You know, okay. Um so feeling like the bad guy, feeling like you're doing a disservice um, you know, to this other random person. I don't even know who it was, but you know, but but like I I felt a twinge inside.

Speaker 2 33:12

So can can we can we talk about that a little bit?

Meredith 33:25

So one of the things I remember talking about with you many years ago when I was parenting a former partner's kiddos was an instance where I was interacting with one of them, and she was really upset about something that I had decided, and I felt really bad about it, and some guilt, and just really conflicted over what was happening and whether that was the right thing to do. And I remember you're asking me what belonged to me and what belonged to her at the time. And that was a really new concept for me then that I hadn't stopped to consider. And since then, I've actually learned more about that practice because there are often instances where I'm not even involved in the situation. So in that case, I was. There are instances where something is happening with other people, and I feel something about that. And it wasn't until really just a few years ago that somebody, you know, started to talk a little bit more about that idea. And for those of us who might be highly sensitive, empathic, gifted, et cetera, there are a number of number of different things we may identify with. Sometimes we end up feeling things about situations that aren't even involving us, let alone those we're actually involved in, which can even be more intense. Learning what was actually mine, what feelings were mine, what emotions were I having that were about something I had an opinion about or something I felt, versus I'm viewing something, maybe it's taking me back to a situation that is not happening, that is not even related. Um, or maybe it's that I'm picking up energetically on something. There can be a number of reasons. I think that going back to the idea we've already talked about in terms of taking the pause, having the moment to experience the silence and the slowness is really key and integral in identifying those types of situations.

Rebecca 35:49

Right. So when we have been trained to be externally focused, we have also been trained not to be able to differentiate what belongs to us and what belongs to somebody else. And so when somebody else is having feelings, we feel responsible for those feelings. And they're not ours. So I had this this um this tool, uh, which I it's been a long time, but it it was basically a piece of paper and it was like a little triangle. And on one side, so you could like stand it up on the table and look at it. And on one side it said, um, it belongs to me if I am having feelings, you know, I am feeling sad, angry, scared. I'm thinking about different things. And then you flip it over and it belongs to the other person if they're the one having the feelings, if they are angry, sad, scared, you know, if they are upset, if they are having the reaction, then that belongs to them. And so this idea of okay, am I the one who's upset? Am I the one who's having big feelings? Okay, that belongs to me. Is the other person upset? Are they having big feelings? Are they having a strong reaction to something? Okay, that belongs to them. And then the the last piece is what is your role? So am I this person's parent? Are they a young child? Then I have responsibility to support that. Are they a young adult that belongs to them? And lots of shades of gray in between. Right? And so, what is my role? Is that other important question. So, who's having the reaction and what is my role? Does it belong to me? Is it a small child? Yes, belongs to you also. It is your responsibility to help them to regulate those feelings. And we talked about that on a previous episode, too. But I think that that's that we're much more likely to come from that place of not knowing if it's ours or not, or assuming that it's ours when it's really not ours. And so we need to be able to pause, like you said, so that we can differentiate, so that we can start to say, oh yeah, oh yeah, you're the one who's upset. Okay, you're not a child, you're not my child. Uh it's not my responsibility. Not my responsibility. Now we can be kind in the process. We don't have to be mean about it. But but that doesn't mean that we don't then have a boundary and recognize that's theirs, that's their responsibility, that's not mine. What is mine? How am I feeling? What do I need? That's my responsibility.

Speaker 2 38:52

Yeah. Yeah.

Rebecca 39:00

Yeah, and and we may have feelings of being the feeling like we're the bad guy. We may still have some of those feelings, but then that belongs to us.

Meredith 39:15

Yeah, I I think that when considering that also that helps with communication. So when we're talking after something has occurred and maybe we're reviewing boundaries, which sometimes has to happen, right? Because sometimes we did state them and sometimes someone ran right over them. So when we're in the sort of after effect of that, how can we communicate what was ours and what is not? And I think that's so helpful because sometimes we might come at something with a communication of, well, you made me feel like this or that kind of thing. And I think it can really help when we keep these ideas in mind, because then we can come with understanding what we're owning and that it's our feelings and that that's us. So I think that can help with future communications and future potential support and repair of the relationship after perhaps a boundary has been crossed.

Rebecca 40:21

Right. And that that responsibility, it and it's not you made me feel, but you know, I'm thinking about that interaction we had and I'm not feeling good about. I'm not feeling good about it. I'm I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling angry or I'm feeling whatever. That's mine. Yeah. And we need to figure out how we're gonna handle this kind of thing in the future. Yeah. And and sometimes we may have an idea. We may try to put a boundary in place, and like you said, someone may run through it, and that means that something else is needed. That that it's it's not a one-and-done thing, that it's a relationship, that there may be times where we say, Yeah, hey, don't, you know, don't climb on the table, or you know, let's let's put your feet back on the floor, and they listen. And then there may be times where they don't, if you're a parent. There may be times where you say, Hey, I'm not okay with you taking my car, and then you know, the roommate asks again and again and again. And so what then needs to shift. So it's not a one and done, I did my boundary and I'd never have to think about it again. It is a process, it's a relationship, it's an unfolding, and it it's not, it's not black and white, it's not simple, and and yet it is so important, as we said at the beginning, for our health, for the health of the other person, and for our relationship.

Speaker 2 42:04

Yeah.

Rebecca 42:05

So get out there and say no. Try it out, see what happens. Do an experiment, let us know. Let us know. Let us know what you're already good at saying no to and where you're struggling, because we can do a future episode and talk about some of those things as well. So let us know. Get it, give us some real examples and and let's let's explore this. We don't have to stop here.

Speaker 2 42:34

Yeah.

Rebecca 42:37

Yeah. Well, anything else that we want to say about boundaries? I mean, I know we could talk for years, as we said earlier, um, in our conversation. Um, but is there anything else that's important that we haven't said?

Meredith 42:49

I think we have covered the major points. And just I think the other thing I would say is remembering that, like you said, it's a process. So if nothing else, remember that just like all of these other aspects we're talking about, we get to make a choice every time we're faced with a situation. So if we don't like the way something went, that's information. We learn, we grow, and we do something different the next time. And the good news is we will always be presented with those opportunities to try again. Or if we liked how something went, great. Now we feel like we have a resource or or pattern or some sort of consistent idea of how it works for us to communicate in certain ways. So we get to keep that as long as it keeps working. So that's my probably closing thought. That's great.

Rebecca 43:45

And as you were talking, it reminded me of the movie Groundhog Day. And how every day he got to try it again, he got to do something different. It was the same situations, and sometimes he handled it well, and sometimes he didn't. And he tried lots of different things. That's the curiosity, that's the experimentation. And sometimes he was not kind. Sometimes he was like punching people in the face, and you know, but it's that same kind of idea. We we do, even if we don't have Groundhog Day where we're repeating the same things over and over again, we do have the opportunity to keep trying different things, to see what's going to work for us, and to reach out for support if we get stuck, because there's lots of resources that are available to help with this. So you're not all by yourself trying to figure it out. Yeah. Keep going, keep going. Yeah. So we'll be back next week to talk more about actually nurturing ourselves. We need boundaries to be able to care for ourselves in all of the ways that that can happen. So we wanted to talk about boundaries first, and next week we're going to be talking about self care and what that can look like. So thank you so much, Meredith. Lovely as always.

Meredith 45:06

Thank you.

Rebecca 45:08

And we'll see you next week.