This Time Around, I'm Doing It Solo

Download my free mini-ebook: It's About Damn Time: The Self Check for Women Leaders Who Work Their Ass Off, Play By the Rules, and STILL Get Passed Over.

In this episode, it’s just you and me. No guests. No distractions. Just a raw, unfiltered walk through my personal journey, one I spent years avoiding, rewriting, or trying to outrun.

I’m opening up about the moments that almost broke me, the ones that shaped me, and the exact point where I finally decided enough was enough. From corporate burnout to the kind of reinvention that forces you to rebuild from the floor up, I’m taking you behind the curtain of what this season of my life really looked like.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, exhausted, undervalued, or completely disconnected from the woman you know you were meant to be, this one’s for you. My story might not be your story, but the lessons I learned along the way? They might be precisely what you need today.

Let’s air it out together.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

All right. So it has been a crazy uh few weeks. We did a launch of the audiobook, which was like giving birth to an alien or something, as much time as it took, and how long it took and all the energy and effort that went into it. Um, and it's cringe for me to listen to, to be honest with you, because listening to your own voice for an extended period of time is like the worst fingernails on the chalkboard experience of my life thus far. Um, but so far, so good. And the commentary back has been positive. Um, I started getting cringy about it a little bit because I hear myself stumble through a word or whatever. And then the feedback I've gotten is that it's me. And it kind of brought me back to where I started with the idea of all of this. And it was really just to be myself. And so the podcast also launched, and um, I've had an amazing guest on already, and that was super fun. And really the list of folks coming on just continues to expand. I didn't know how people would feel about coming on. Um, and the really the call has been answered, and so that's exciting to me to see people from really all different areas of my life and my past willing to come on and kind of talk about it. So I'm excited about that too. Yeah. So what finally pushed me out of a comfortable chair in corporate America and really kind of out of a career I'd built, I think we all have um what I would call tower moments in life. And I think one of the things that I've learned uh really over the last five to ten years is that, and I joke around a lot, I do this. We call it the lasso. So I don't say necessarily God or necessarily the universe or necessarily anything. I talk to all of them. So I say God, universe, um, guardian angels, my spirit guides, and anybody else out there who might be listening, as well as my higher self. And I think what I've learned is all of those influences try to help us make good decisions. And I think they try to help guide us on our life journey with nudges and kind of little uncomfortable tummy moments or hair on the back of your neck, spidey sense moments. And as humans, we tend to not listen. So we're on our path, we know where we want to go, and it's really easy to say, yeah, it's fine. It'll be fine, it'll be okay. And I think I spent way too many years of my life doing that. Um, you know, there's a chapter in the book with my thumbs up sticking out literally, the only thing sticking out of the swamp water is my hands with two thumbs up, and I'm saying, I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine. And the reality was I was so far from fine, I really can't even describe it. And so I think those influences, right? The lasso group, they try to guide us. Our gut instinct, our intuition tries to guide us. And when we don't listen to the little nudges, then you're gonna get body slammed. So I talk about sometimes I need um one or 15 bonks on the head before I realize something isn't good for me. And I think that was the case with where I'd been um the last several years. And so I think in that moment, um, that tower moment where you think that what you'd worked so hard to build um has crumbled when you realize that whatever crumbled is down around you, but you're still standing. And I think therein lies the power. Um and there comes the grit um that brings the resilience that makes you really take stock of what you want to do and where you want to go in life. And so I think the realization that overall um corporate healthcare has moved away from people over profits and it's moved in a direction of profits over people. And I think there's a lot of reasons for that. But I started off in healthcare um as a nurse because I wanted to care for people and I wanted to give back and I wanted to take care of others in their darkest moments. And by climbing that corporate ladder, I was able to stay close to that mission because it was a big part of my leadership style, was that it was always patient first, uh, patient-centric, team first, um, you know, talking to those that worked with me about the fact that we're also caring for each other all day, every day, not just the patient in the bed. And I think as time passed, um I realized that's getting harder and harder and harder to do in corporate healthcare. And so I realized maybe instead of just having the influence over my team and my markets and those that I worked directly with as a CEO, um, what if I could have a much broader impact by getting myself into a place where I had my voice back, where I could speak about what was going on, I could be honest about my thoughts on it, instead of, you know, towing the corporate line or having to tiptoe around different um topics and also being able to talk to people on the front line as somebody who knows exactly what they're going through. I think um we talk a lot about PTSD, and I'm writing again, so I talk about this a little bit in book two, but we talk about PTSD in um the military, right? And horrific things that people in the military have seen and experienced. But we don't talk about it for first responders very much, and we don't talk about it hardly ever for people in facilities, people um that are on the front line in hospitals. I mean, what we worked through and saw um and navigated during COVID is something that you can't explain to somebody that wasn't there. You know, driving oxygen tanks around town because this facility is out of oxygen or we need a ventilator over there. That's something I never thought we would experience. Um, and we did. And so, you know, I describe in the in the next book, I'm talking about the fact that everything now is about door to dock time. Get them in, get them out. Um, you know, how efficient can we be? Do you really need these tests or those tests? Um, none of it necessarily is experiential and none of it is patient-centered. It's all about the corporate machine. And I think one of the best examples of that came from um, I loved it, but the show the pit. And so I'm gonna age myself, but I was in love with Carter when he played his role um on ER back in the day. And to see him on the pit, and there's a shooting that occurs as part of this episode, and they've got patients lined up literally everywhere in the hallways. And the hospital administrator wants to talk about um patient satisfaction and the fact that patient satisfaction has fallen in this facility, and there's literally people on stretchers bleeding out in the hallways, and I think that is so horrifying. Um, but I told pretty much anybody that would listen to me to go watch the pit because it's essentially the way it's split up is the entire first season of the pit is one shift in the ER in a big hospital somewhere. And so each episode is one hour of that shift. So the episode starts at 7 a.m. when this new group of caregivers comes in, and here we go. And it just takes you through that day. It takes you through it as the doctor in charge, the nurse that you know gets clocked literally outside, which happens all the time now. Um, I mean, an incredible amount of very triggering, emotional, um, somewhat devastating contexts. And that's one 12-hour shift. And the reality is people don't realize that that is truly what our frontline healthcare people are navigating. And so I could never have sat here and talked about it like that. I could never have sat here and said it's profits over people. Um, I couldn't have talked about the fact that, you know, nurse Allie is supposed to go into room one and help this family who is in the process of losing their loved one. And we're disconnecting the machines and we're saying goodbye to this, you know, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, best friend, whatever this individual was. And I'm trying as nurse Allie to help this family navigate this loss. And then I'm just supposed to close curtain one and then walk into curtain two with a big smile on my face and say, hi, I'm Allie, I'm your nurse today. What's going on? And we don't realize the unbelievable toll that that takes on our caregivers. And it's all day, every day, every shift of every day. And so I think my goal when I finally said enough is enough to a very toxic work environment was what can I do? What's in my sphere of influence and my realm of control to be able to help change some of this in some way, have some level of positive impact. And so um I think that's the best way I know to kind of answer that question. So been there done that for sure. Um actually a handful of times. So I left one organization because at the end of the day, my number one rule in life is that whatever I do at the end of the day, whatever choices I make, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and be proud of the person looking back. And that's not always easy. And it's definitely not always easy in when you're working in a corporate machine. And this was years ago, and I was really on the front end of transitioning from nurse, um, you know, frontline nurse, hands-on patient in IR, interventional radiology, and some other areas, and was moving into kind of more on the leadership um pathway, and was working on a project and was asked to do something that, you know, we talked about that stomach feeling or the hair on the back of your neck or whatever, that didn't sit right with me. And so I found another way to do it and I came back to the individual and presented, okay, well, we can do it this way, and was told, you're not understanding. I'm explaining to you, this is what I want. And I left that meeting thinking, okay, well, this is my tower moment here. Like either I cower and I do this, and I lose the ability to respect and be proud of the person looking back in the mirror, or I find something else. And so I was sitting on my couch, I was super disheartened because I honestly pedestalized this individual to a degree. Um, and that very night I looked up and another former nurse leader of mine happened to be on the news because we were having the Sumbowl and Notre Dame was here, and she's a Notre Dame alum. And I thought, oh my gosh, I wonder how she's doing. And I kid you not, the very next day my phone rang and it was that person that I saw on the TV the night before. And she said, Hey, we're gonna launch this new program. It was for a completely different company. I'd been with one large healthcare organization really since nursing school, and up to this point, thought I'd be there forever. Um, and she was calling from their main competitor because she had moved. And I said, Awesome, what is it? Because I thought this is this is my moment to get out of this situation, that I that I don't want to do this thing I've been asked to do. And so I took that opportunity and kind of switched teams, grew a ton, um, started running urgent care centers, um, which is something I had never done, got really heavy into the business side operations. Um, and the next one came, I don't know, several years after that one. And it was similar in that I was never home. I was traveling all the time, like get on the plane at 5 a.m. Monday morning, get home at 10 p.m. Friday night, kind of traveling, at least every other week. And I realized then at the time I still had a husband I wanted to keep. That's past now, but I said, I have a husband I want to keep and a kid I'd like to know. Um, and I knew that that wasn't gonna happen in the role that I was in. And again, as has happened periodically um in my life, when I get to a point professionally anyway, where I feel like I'm at a dead end or I'm gonna have to make a call about okay, am I willing to do something I know I shouldn't do to stay here or not? It's like the lasso group plopped something else in my lap. And so that was when I um moved over really to running um acute care facilities and hospitals and got me back to El Paso. And so didn't save the marriage, um, but saved my relationship, I think, very much so with my son. And we're closer now than ever. But my advice would be, and I give all of that detail behind the scenes because there's a million different reasons to feel devalued. Um, you get there and it's exciting, or there's quotes on the wall that you resonate with, or you know, this is supposed to be a religious-based organization, or you know, you follow this tremendous leader, but then that leader moves on, and the people that fill those spots aren't that tremendous leader. Um, there's a lot of reasons for it. But I think my number one piece of advice is that when you're sitting in that space and you feel it in your gut, you feel it in the back of your head, um, the hair on the back of your neck is going up. One, do not devalue yourself in response. So do not do the thing that you know is wrong to stay. Instead, pick yourself, value yourself enough to realize your time here may be coming to an end and it's time to look for something else or something different. Um, because to me, therein lies the growth and the opportunity to once again either find another place that you vibe with, that you know, the energy is good with and people there that you respect, or maybe something on your own, which is kind of what I've done this round, um, at least for the time being. But that's what I would say is follow your gut, um, follow your intuition. And no matter what, when you're in a situation where you know your value isn't being demonstrated back to you and how you're treated, don't further that harm to yourself by then also devaluing yourself by succumbing to the pressures to do or say things that you do not agree with. That's what I would say. Yeah. So what was the red flag moment? I don't want to paraphrase, but really kind of what became a career and then turned into kind of a red flag. And I would say I tried really hard. So in book one, I actually talk about the fact that I had conversations with my spouse at the time before I accepted any promotion because there's gonna be familial implications anytime you take on a bigger role with more stress or more travel or you know, whatever. And so we would sit and we would make the decision together. Um, no, you have to. This is fantastic, it's amazing. And I think over time he loved the lifestyle it provided, um, but didn't love that the things and the ways in which he maybe needed to step up in order to support things that he traditionally hadn't had to with me, you know, home more. I think um travel to an extent can be a good thing. Um, but travel when you're traveling a ton um and you have a younger child, it makes it really, really tough. And so for me, I think one of the biggest things is can we as women have it all? So I talk about Super Mom. There's a chapter in the book, and I do think we can have it all if you have the right partner and you have the right support structure around you. Um, but I think it's it's ill-led or a misled thought to think you can have it all all by yourself. There is no way in hell. One of my favorite um speeches is Shonda Rhymes, um, that you know is behind Gray's Anatomy and tons of others, and she was giving a speech and she was talking about the fact that if I'm gonna give my all at work, somebody at home is gonna suffer. And if I'm gonna give my all at home, something at work is gonna suffer. But there ain't no way you're gonna be able to do all things for all people all the time. And so I think for me, it wasn't so much that the career became a red flag. What became the red flag, and I mean it was like a gigantic waving red flag that might have been on fire at the time, was more about the fact that I do not do well asking for help, never had, I can do it, I've got it. Hyperindependence on crack is me. And so I had convinced myself I could do all the things for all the people all the time. And what I realized is that's all well and good until you realize that you're not even on your own priority list. And so I was sick all the time. Like I remember the last couple of years, it was either migraines or a cold or the flu, the strep, I mean, all the things. I was constantly sick, exhausted, run down. Um, and to me, that was when I realized I cannot continue at this pace with the career, with my son, with my dad's cancer treatment trips, with trying to be the peacekeeper in a dysfunctional family, trying to do all the things for all the people all the time, and never looking back at myself to see if I was okay or if I needed anything. And I was gonna have to figure out how to say, I need some help here. Hey, can somebody pick AJ up because I'm late or whatever that thing was. I think women staying, so the question was, why do women stay in toxic work environments so long? Um, and why did I choose not to? And I think what happens is women in general tend to be nurturer, tend to be um nurturers, that's a word, um, and tend to be fixers. And so we see this situation. Um, and I'll give an example. There was a role that opened it corporate at the corporate level. The way that I had survived several of the years in this organization was just keeping my head down and executing. So just do the job, make sure the quality is top of the company, make sure you know all of the financials and the budget were hitting, all of those things. And so I had kept my head down and kind of learned to just keep my mouth shut and run my own markets. But this position at corporate opened up, and essentially the idea was it was to bridge the markets with corporate leadership. And I essentially didn't even think about applying for that. Like I saw the job post and thought, well, maybe that'll be another layer between me and some of these fun people. Um, and I left it at that. And then my phone started ringing, and it was other people in the organization saying, dude, you need to apply for this job. Like it would be perfect because then you could represent to home office what the reality is in the markets and what these facilities are really like to run. And the markets would finally have a voice at home office and at the big table. Um, and I I allowed myself to kind of get sucked into the idea of it's kind of like if you don't vote, right? Like if there's an election and you don't vote, then shut the hell up. Like you can't complain about who got voted in if you didn't even cast a vote. And so I thought, well, what if we end up with somebody worse? Like that could be really bad. And now this new boss is even worse than what I've been dealing with. And so I threw my hat in the ring, um, went through, actually made it all the way to the final interview. And I talk in the book a lot about the fact that I was asked some questions in that final interview by the CEO that I knew in that moment, same thing. Can I look myself in the mirror at the end of this interview if I don't answer this truthfully? And so I threw no one under the bus, um, didn't name a soul. I just gave some feedback and said, you know, you all presented information about turnover and whatever, but nobody's talking about turnover at the executive level and at the C-suite level across the board in the organization. Um and I said some things and I ended up, I knew in the moment I was essentially interviewing my way out of the position. But I decided and made the choice that one didn't want the position in the first place. And I think going through the interview process made me realize I'd just be working that much closer to some of these people I'd been trying so desperately to avoid. But the other piece was that I realized with the response to some of the questions I answered and some of the follow up questions was that the interest wasn't in actually knowing what some of the issues were. The interest was in knowing if I would drink the Kool Aid and be willing to. To behave in a similar manner as them, treat people in a similar manner as them, um, and basically go by the checkbox theory, which if it looks good, it is good. And so talked myself, interviewed myself out of that role. Um, but I think it took that interview process for me to realize that me as one person, no matter what and how good my intent was, no matter how many people quietly behind me, it's like those people that are, I'm right behind you, but they're about four miles back behind another building. Um I had to realize I alone was not enough to change something there. It was so inbred in the culture that one person, there was no way. And so I think as women, we stay longer because we think, oh, but if I just work harder, they'll see the value. Oh, if I just outlast this person, oh, if I just do this one thing and execute on that well. And I think we stay in toxic, not just toxic work environments, we stay in toxic relationships too, because at some point they'll see my worth. At some point, if I perform at a high enough level, if I bring enough value, if I give enough, you know, whatever that is, exchange of energy, they'll see my value, they'll see my worth. And I think that's something that's more specific to women than it is necessarily to men. Ooh, that's a good one. What did I learn about starting over and resilience that no one teaches you in the MBA program? So what I would say, that's kind of a loaded question because I could go about 37 different directions with that. Um, what I'd say is there's books and then there's reality. So there's studying and learning the business stuff and understanding how to navigate um different things, but then there's the reality that comes into play. And I think at the end of the day, you know, I spoke earlier about um pedestalizing this individual. So when you start out as a nurse, right, you're programmed kind of to see a chief nursing officer as holy crap, like this person, wow. Um, and a lot of them really are. Uh, I have a dear friend of mine currently, she's the CEO of the Texas Nurses Association of the TNA, incredible person. There's a lot of CNOs, CEOs out there I have a tremendous amount of respect for. I think at the end of the day, um, what I would say is I think finding my resilience came from a place when, and I don't like to say rock bottom, right? Like we all have a different version of rock bottom too, but I think my resilience came from my why. And so I talk a lot about okay, finding my why, what is my why? And for me, I talk about being in the bottom of that pit, and it's gonna take, you know, your your hands and your feet and everything else to climb up the side of that pit you've fallen in. But I think for me, I started thinking about showing and proving, not to everybody else, that was the shift, right? I didn't care what anybody else thought anymore. My resilience in that moment came from me wanting to prove to myself and to my son that you can do the right thing, that you can stay on the side of right, that you can make a decision that is very unpopular, but that you know is the right thing to do, and still find a way to be incredibly successful as a person. And so for me, that's where my resilience came from. MBA does not teach you about that. I think for me, that was my aha moment, if Oprah's listening, was that moment where it was no longer about what anybody else thought, what anybody else felt about what I was doing, what anybody else's opinions were about, you know, anything. It was me being able to continue to look myself in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back, to look at my son and know that I'm providing a good example to my son about how to navigate things in life that are difficult and get to a point where I can prove that you don't have to do the slimy thing. You don't have to do the thing that makes your gut sick. You don't have to do the things that you don't want to do that you know aren't good for you, aren't good for the patient, aren't good for your staff, aren't good for your family to get to that next level. You can be incredibly successful doing the right thing anyway. Oh my God, yes. So the question was, would I do it all over again? And so I would say, as painful as it was, um, and as heart-wrenching as some of those moments have been, I wouldn't change any of it for the world because the people that it brought into my life, I have a handful of forever people. Um, some that followed me from job to job to job that I felt terribly for when I left this one because I wasn't going somewhere I could take them again. Um I made contacts there that are worth their weight in gold that I'll continue to carry through life. Um and more than anything, it was through that entire journey, that entire process, um, that I really figured out who I was and um what it meant to be Alley 2.0. And so yeah, I wouldn't trade a thing. So I think that's basically um, I hope I answered some of the questions we were getting. And now you know my lasso move. So when I do that, you know what I'm talking about. We established that today. Um, but at the end of the day, thank you so much for joining the episode. Um, definitely lots more to come. Like I said, some amazing guests that we've got lined up. And um if you all have ideas for content or things that you want to see, then don't hesitate to shoot a message in because I'd love to get more ideas. And we'll see you soon. Thanks so much.