Navigating Family Estrangement: A Personal Journey

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In this solo episode, I’m exploring how true vulnerability shapes family relationships and the less obvious parts of healing that we rarely discuss.

Family dynamics often test our peace and boundaries. I discuss how real vulnerability means choosing honesty with discernment, and how sometimes, stepping back from family isn’t abandonment, it’s self-preservation for healing.

This episode addresses the guilt that comes with choosing your well-being over family pressure. Learn why honoring relationships should not cost you yourself, especially when healing requires creating space.

If you’ve ever questioned whether protecting your mental health makes you selfish, this conversation is for you.

Thank you for being here and making space for honest conversations.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

All right, everybody. So holiday season has um come and gone once again. And actually the choice for today's topic um may be a little bit heavy for the first of the year and may even be a little bit triggering. So I'll say maybe trigger warning. I don't know. Um, but really I want to kind of share a disclaimer first is that I'm not here to influence anybody else's behavior or choices or decisions. Um I've made the decision to share a lot of my life with you all in the book. Uh previously, obviously, the podcast now, in some of my blogs. There's people out there in the world that probably know more about Ali than they ever wanted to know. Um, but I've really made the decision to be somewhat of an open book, and maybe at times it's TMI, but my real goal is to share my life experiences, um, my struggles, my wins, all the good, all the bad, um, and sometimes the ugly, in an effort to maybe lessen the time it takes other people to make certain choices or decisions, or find a way to maybe help them do it in a slightly less painful um manner. But I think a topic that I get asked about quite frequently, um, I did with the book and now um just kind of in life in general, and seems to be becoming um kind of a more frequent topic in different groups that I'm part of and my friend groups is the topic of family estrangement. Um, and it is not, like I said, it's not a happy new year, real light topic. Um, but I think it's important and I think it's um maybe gonna resonate with a lot of people. And the more that I think people have had the courage to ask me about my experiences and um some of my choices, the more I've realized how much more common this is than necessarily we think about. And, you know, the realization that, you know, I have a dear friend that's highly, highly educated and has an amazing job and amazing husband and a beautiful daughter, and has been estranged from a family member of hers now for several years. Um, and I don't think I ever really realized again um what that's what that's like. And I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine that I'm hoping to have on the podcast soon, um, who just lost her dad. And we were talking about the fact that um, and she said it actually, that grieving um is something that we most of the time associate with the literal physical loss of a loved one. Um, and it came up in topic with her in conversation, and it also came up in topic with a woman that just recently lost her husband. Um, I took her to lunch before Christmas. Um, I do a thing every year where I post on Facebook that any woman that will share the post and do the same, pick somebody that comments on it and do something nice for them. So buy them a cup of coffee or take them to breakfast or, you know, whatever that is. A little, I call them susus, which is just a little something for no reason. And we had gone to lunch and we talked about the fact that, you know, how strange it is for her navigating this life now with three little ones and without her husband. And she had just finished reading my book, um, actually listening to it. She said, I'm not a reader, so I waited till it came out on audio. But she said that it struck her that when you start talking about family estrangement, it's very similar to the grieving process of the literal loss of a loved one. And it really made me kind of start thinking about that as really kind of thematic in a lot of lives of people that I know and love that have navigated it. And I'd never really thought about it that way. But um, my son this year was with his dad for the holidays for Christmas. And so I had a lot of time to think. And Christmas Eve was great. I went to a friend's house, um, did the white elephant thing, and and had a great time. And Christmas Day was very quiet. Um, what I'll say is people asked, Well, how was your Christmas? And I said, it was very quiet and very peaceful. Um, you know, was there some sadness to not being around my family? Um, yes, I'm not gonna lie. But the reality was when I really looked at the choices that I made, um, you know, you don't just suddenly wake up one day and decide to draw a line in the sand and walk away from loved ones. Um family estrangement, I think, can best be described as, I guess, a decision forced by a thousand little cuts. And um, when I look back, I can picture when it happened. And again, I'm not sharing um in judgment of anyone else or anything that happened in my life. I'm sharing from a perspective of my choices. And it was just prior to Thanksgiving, about three years ago, and things had escalated to a point in our family dynamic where historically I'd been quiet. And so I would just smile and nod and blow off the jabs, or you know, something would be said and it would hurt my feelings, or I'd be offended, and the comment would be made, oh my God, calm down. It was a joke. And I would always go along with it. I would smile and even sometimes force a laugh just to buy some peace in the moment. And I think as I I guess continued on my healing journey and really started paying attention to the things that were having a significant impact on myself and on my son, I realized one of the things having a detrimental impact was the fact that by continuing to allow certain dynamics in friendships, in family and relationships, I was self-abandoning. So I wasn't just being hurt or um having my feelings hurt or my heart hurt by others. I was doing it to myself by allowing it to continue. And so I think, you know, post-divorce and having navigated that, um, seeing different things from a different light and realizing um something had to change. And so I remember my dad had already received his um lung cancer diagnosis, and we were all supposed to go um and I had agreed to go on this trip, despite the fact that I'd quit traveling with the family several years previously. Um, but I decided I was gonna go and I had said yes. And then everything escalated to a point that I realized that wasn't a good idea. And when I started looking into um and really reading up on um family estrangement and what that looks like and how it happens, one of the things that stood out to me was the fact that when you do start to change as a person, you do start to hold hold a safe space for yourself, um, to see your own self-worth and value. And, you know, people say, well, just set a boundary. Well, that's great until you set the boundary and the boundary continues to be crossed. And so then what do you do at that point? And the realization I had was that I didn't choose to not go on the trip out of some sort of punishment to other people. Um, I didn't choose to skip that Thanksgiving out of some sort of, you know, they'll come back wanting a relationship stronger with me. I did it because I knew I was no longer in a position to be able to stay silent. And so I knew in that moment, deciding whether or not to go on that trip, if I went on this trip and certain dynamics persisted or certain behaviors, behavioral patterns happened, um, I was no longer the same Ally that would be able to kind of smile and nod and laugh it off and pretend I was fine. And so to spare everyone, and I I told my parents, I said, I love you both. I'm not going because if if something is said or done to one of the two of you or to me or to my son, I said, I'm gonna say something. And I said, and we don't need the Colorado Trimbles, as we call the family in Colorado, um, to have to bear witness to that. And so I think it's better if I just sit this one out. What I didn't realize was by me taking a step back, drawing the boundary, and sitting the holiday out, it didn't de-escalate the situation um with my sibling, it actually blew it up. And so very soon after Thanksgiving, there was a text tirade that ensued. And for me, you know, I we talk about the breaking point. For me, it was that. And it was the fact that it was a family text thread. I talk about it a little bit in the book, um, that went from zero to 10 in an instant. And nobody said anything or made any attempt to try to stop it. And so I knew in that moment that the relationship with my sibling needed to essentially come to an end, at least for the time being, and take a time out. And I hoped in time, and who knows? I mean, it's been almost three years, and maybe in time something will change. But the reality is, you know, my dad would often say, you need to be the bigger Christian, the better Christian, the bigger person, and forgive. And in listening to some of these different um podcast topics on it, you know, reading books, entire books on the topic, what I realized is the forgiveness from my perspective was for me. Because if I didn't forgive, then it was still eating away at me and bothering me and hurting me. The forgiveness happened. What didn't happen is reconciliation. And I think often when you talk about family estrangement, those are two very different things. Forgiving the individual, forgiving the family, um, realizing that we're all operating from what we know and from our own level of understanding and consciousness. But that does not mean there has to be reconciliation. Reconciliation is inviting that back. Now, if there's been work done and genuine ownership of the issue and genuine apology and genuine desire for a new relationship and a path forward, that's different. Um, and I do think reconciliation is possible. But I think when people say, but it's your family, like what do you mean? And one of the things that I wanted to get across is family doesn't provide a permission slip for poor behavior or abusive behavior or um really, I guess, outline the fact that it's okay to behave a certain way. Um, people talk a lot about how blood's family, you know, family first, blood first. Um, I don't subscribe to that anymore, and I haven't in quite a while. Um, you can have what I call water family and blood friends, and that's a real thing. Um, friends that show up when you get fired and your family's nowhere to be found, when a divorce happens and you're judged by family instead of supported, when um you make certain choices in your life. But I think at the end of the day, family and friends, although they're two very different categories, in my mind, true friends and true family should all focus on love and support. And that doesn't mean unconditional, and it doesn't mean accepting abuse, but it does mean being there in the difficult times, um, just as you are in the great ones. And I think in talking to other people that have have navigated family estrangement, sibling estrangement. Um, you know, I have another friend that I won't get into, it's not mine to share, but had a hell of a Thanksgiving this year. I mean, shockingly so. One that I think baffled us as her friends and threw her for a loop, um, to say the least. But sometimes it takes that breaking moment um to realize, hey, something's gotta give. And if I don't pick me, and in my case, pick myself and my son, what's gonna be left? And so one of the things that I guess has given me pause and has really weighed heavily on me, and I carried a lot of guilt for a long time. And a friend of mine sent me an episode that Oprah did on her podcast recently, and she did a whole podcast segment um on family estrangement. And she, you know, she said, I've done talk shows and whatnot for all these years, and this is a relatively newer topic. And I don't think it's that it's such a newer topic. I think we talk about it a lot more, and I think newer topic in that people are choosing estrangement over ongoing just excusing the pattern, um, you know, sweeping it under the rug and giving it the, well, but their family excuse. So I think the issues have been there all along. I think people picking themselves and their own mental, physical, emotional, psychological well-being is newer, and then for sure us talking about it. But the the point that one of her guests made, and he was actually um, I think he was a psychologist, and his daughter, he'd been estranged from his own daughter. Um, she'd walked away from him for several years, and they had, you know, reconciled and and were speaking again. But he shared that his realization was that as a parent, so like me with AJ, as a parent, once you make the decision to have a child, bring a child into this world or raise a child as your own, you're the parent until you leave this world. And I saw an example of this that really it did, it made me cry. A dear friend of mine who'd been estranged from a child for, you know, a significant amount of time. Um and her choice to do everything in her power to own what had happened, to rebuild a relationship, to reconcile with her child. And I told her, I cried, and I said, you know, I would give anything to have my parents do that. And I said, What spurred that in you? And she basically reiterated what I had just heard on the Oprah podcast from that psychologist as an untrained professional and my friend saying, I'm the parent. And at the end of the day, I have to own it, I have to make the effort. And what I realized was I had always been the fixer in the family, I had always been the doer. I planned the vacations, I booked the trips, I used points I, you know, built up through my work to take us all over the world, really. And I loved it. But what I didn't realize is when I stopped doing that, it all stopped. When I stopped the invitations for dinner, no one else started them. When I made the decision to effectively end a relationship or pause a relationship with a sibling, I never in a million years thought that that would cost me the relationship with essentially my entire family. And I think that's something that when people say, but it's your family, um, they don't understand because they haven't been there. Or when people say, um, yeah, but what about when they're gone? And that's something I've actually talked to my counselor about a lot. Um, the fear of regret, right? Like, what's it gonna feel like when mom and dad go and they're no longer here? And that's where I started the conversation with my friend who just lost her dad, and how she said she'd never noticed or really thought about the fact that whether it's a literal death or a figurative death, it's a it's a grieving process. And I think what I finally had to come to terms with was the idea that you can't ever know how you're gonna feel about something in the future. You can't know what regrets you might have, you can't know what pain or joy lies ahead. What you know is where you are now. Um, and for me, the choice was my peace, my son's peace, um, and no longer having behavior exhibited, pardon me, exhibited to my son that I won't tolerate from him now at 14, being condoned and tolerated by an adult male as an example to him. And so for me, it was the choice that I desired a relationship with my parents, very much so. And I worked really, really hard at trying to continue that um, really to a level of kind of self-inflicted pain until I realized there really wasn't a relationship with them anymore that did not involve my sibling. They they couldn't visualize that, they couldn't move forward with that. Um, and I was not in a position to go back to the way things had always been. I just couldn't do it. And so I had to make the decision that what I know to be best for me now is strong enough and important enough in a mission sense for myself and my son that I would rather risk guilt or sadness or regret in the future than go back to something I know is toxic and poisonous now. And so, in speaking to my friend um, whose father had just passed, she said, you know, I've often wondered like how you navigate this and how you, you know, they're they're just gone. And she said, and I never thought about the fact that your Christmas this year is just like my Christmas this year, except that your family lives a mile and a half away and is having their own Christmas celebration and doing their thing sans U and AJ. And that's part of the reason I wanted to come on today, is a lot of people have asked me about it. Um there's no judgment in it. I, you know, I the forgiveness is there. I think, um, and I may have already shared this on one, but I had gone to dinner with my parents um and my son a few months ago and kind of tried again. And at every turn, the conversation kind of shifted back to well, next time it would be lovely if we could all be together again, or you know, that constant push. And I realized we exist in these kind of dysfunctional family dynamics in a bubble. And so as long as everybody in the bubble agrees to the terms inside the bubble, then everybody's safe. So the individual can continue to behave that they want to behave, the way they want to behave without consequence. Um, the people in the bubble have said, okay, I'll continue to suffer the pain or whatever. I remember trying to have that conversation with my dad, and my dad saying that his love for the individual overrode his angst for some of the choices this person makes. And to me, when you're in that bubble, and I kind of jokingly referred to it the other day as it's like it was like its own little cult. And as long as I talked in the book about when you're in the boat, as long as you're all in the boat together, it's okay. But then when somebody takes the blinders off, or somebody kind of wakes up to what it the reality is, or God forbid, somebody gets out of the boat, the person that gets out of the boat can't get back in the boat, so they don't want to go back into the bubble because they've now come out of it and gone, that's not that's not normal. But the people in the boat or in the bubble are still in that same environment, they're still existing in that same level of understanding. And so they're not the problem. The person that got out of the boat or stepped out of the bubble, they're the problem. And so people, you know, talk about the terminology scapegoat. Um, I don't, I've never assigned that title to myself, really. I don't really feel that. Um, I don't think they blame me for kind of the development of the environment and the way things um were growing up, whatever. I think what happened was when my eyes opened, um, and I left the bubble, I got out of the boat. It was like, oh no, what are we gonna do to get her back in the boat? And I think that choice, that singular choice for me to not go on the Thanksgiving trip that year, what I didn't realize why that boundary would escalate or worsen the situation was because that individual then lost control. They had lost control of the situation. I had spoken up, I had said, I'm not gonna do this. Anymore. I'm not going on this trip because I can no longer tolerate this stuff and not speak up, not say something. And so that loss of control was extremely triggering and disorienting and irritating to that individual. And so hence the following text tirade and my choice to really sever ties for the time being. And I would have never, like I said, I would have never thought that would have also cost relationships with other individuals in my family. Maybe I was naive. I don't know. But I did think I would still have a relationship with them, with my son. And that really hasn't happened. And so I did a lot of thinking on Christmas about, you know, I received a message to, and it was well intended. And, you know, it would be very nice for you to come be at the Christmas table with all of us, um, from my aunt. And it came from a good place. It comes from a good place. But it's that idea of, okay, then I, and I know I could. I could have gone back, sat down at the Christmas table, and it would have been like nothing ever happened. Like the last three years never happened, the text hirade never happened, the three years of estrangement from my parents to me and my grand and their grandson, it would have just evaporated like none of that occurred. But that to me is kind of at the basis of what dysfunction and some level of toxicity looks like in a family. If we can't have a conversation about how we all got here, um, and we all just want to be back in the bubble together, pretending everything's fine, I can't do that. And for those of you that have listened to some of the other podcasts, I think it was the first one that Norma was on with me from Noble House. And she talked about the fact that, like, once you are on this healing journey and you do therapy and you do um kind of take control of the pen, right? Narrating your own life and and writing your own story. You can't unsee the things that have come to realization for you. You can't just go back and pretend that you don't know. And I think that's it's the same in every environment, if you're being honest. If you're in a toxic job and you know the boss is terrible and you finally realize you're not the problem, you can't unsee that. You can't unlearn that. I have plenty of things that I'm working on and will until the day I die to be the best person I can be. Um, but what I realized is there's not enough empathy, sympathy, yearning, desire. Um there's I there's not enough in me to change something of which I'm only one piece of. And so when I listened to the Oprah episode, and when I talked to my friend who recently did the work as a parent, um, and took ownership and said, Look, I wish I had handled this differently or better, or you know, whatever it is, and I'm I'm working on me. Um, I realized that's my job with AJ. So my job is to make sure I don't repeat those same patterns, that I don't, I don't want to say injure and abuse because those are strong words and I don't feel injured and abused, but I want to make sure I'm the best mom I can be for my son, and that he doesn't feel like if he disagrees with me or has a different opinion, he needs to just keep his mouth shut because it'll be an argument. Um, but my job as a parent is with my son. My job as a child is not to try to influence and change and and heal things with my parents. I've tried that. I did that. Um it's kind of my parents' job to find a path forward that they can live with, that, you know, has obviously a strong relationship with my sibling, but then to also find a path to have a relationship with myself and my grandson. And I think the release of guilt that I carried related to that, I felt like I drew the boundary. I made the choice to not have a relationship with my sibling. And so it was only fair then that that cost me my entire family. And after listening to the Oprah podcast and after talking to my friend who made me cry, and I told her, I don't know that I've ever been proud of you, prouder of you in your life than I am right now for making the choices that you've made. Um, but it was in those moments and the realizations that there are different roles that we play in life, and there are things that are our responsibility, um, and there are things that aren't. And there are things that maybe aren't our responsibility, but they're our desire. And so we try, um, whether it's our role or our place or not. But at the end of the day, for healing to happen, there has to be the reconciliation piece, not just the forgiveness piece. And the reconciliation piece is it's critical that the individuals who I guess were part of the toxicity or part of that dysfunctional dynamic, um step out of the bubble and take a look at that. And I think the painful piece is there's a lot of people that have no interest in doing that. Um, you know, they want to live out their remaining years in quote unquote peace. But peace to me and peace to you may be very different. Peace to me is not just shoving everything down and pretending everything's fine and sitting at the Christmas table like nothing ever happened. Peace to me is having a real conversation and validating what's happened in the family. And without that conversation, um, the forgiveness is there and the love is there, and there's zero ill intent from me towards anyone in my family. Um, but the reconciliation piece isn't there because it can't just be unilateral or one-directional. And I think that was the big thing that kind of hit me when I listened to the the podcast Oprah put on in talking to a few of my friends that have been through this. And the feedback that is well intended, but that you get regularly as a child who has made this very painful decision about the fact that you're gonna run out of time eventually, or but it's your family, but that's your mom, but that's your dad. Um, and I think again, people are well-intending, but they don't understand it. They haven't been through it. Um, not all families, everybody has drama and everybody has stuff in their families that they wish is different. This isn't, you know, arguing because you hosted Thanksgiving last year and I wanted to this year, and so line drawn in the sand, I'm done. This is, like I said, death by a thousand paper cuts. And it took me a long time to get to a point where I realized I was worthy of love and respect and support from my family, just like I gave love and respect and support from my family. And the bigger piece was so was my son. And so to see how AJ has changed over the last few years and to see him come in to himself and not have an example set for him that I won't tolerate from him has been life-changing for the two of us. And so I guess with a lot of words, which is not shocking because it's me, um, my message here really is one, if you are in a situation that is um that involves family estrangement, my heart goes out to you because it's not something that I would wish upon my worst enemy. Um, but no, you're not alone. There is tons of information out there. There's, like I said, listen to the Oprah podcast. If you've listened to um any of hers, that one was really, really good. Um, there's books on it, uh, narcissistic siblings, um, you know, family estrangement, whatnot. I would encourage that. If you're a friend of somebody going through it, be cautious with your words. Because sometimes just being there and loving them and supporting them instead of the, but it's your parents or it's your family, um, you don't mean anything ill by it, but it can be very hurtful for somebody suffering through that situation. Um, and I think lastly, if you're a parent or you're a sibling that another member of your family has chosen to step away from, take a moment, take a beat, take a step back. And a lot of the work I've done over the last few years has been internal. It's been things I needed to change. I needed to be better about this or that, or handle different situations better, or respond instead of react. I've done a lot of work on me. But I think if individuals that are the choice has been made by people to leave you out of their life or remove you from their life, do some soul searching because I think there is healing to be had. I think there is reconciliation to happen, but I think it has to start with a true, honest soul search of the individuals involved. And what can I do differently? What can I do better? How can I show up better? And then make a genuine, I guess, attempt at reconciliation, not the time has passed and things have been said, and can't we just let it go? That's not ownership, that's not accountability. Um, you know, acting like you have no way to get in touch with the person, um, things like that, just continue to shift the blame and continue to dodge the real conversation. And so do your research, um, learn more about it, be a support person for those going through it. And if you're the person being estranged from by choice, do some deep dives, do some work on you and figure out why would somebody want to remove me from their life? Because I think that is the first step towards potential healing. And so I know I shared, I said this was maybe going to be triggering to some people. Um, I didn't want to go into a whole bunch of detail that isn't other people's to own, but I wanted to share enough to maybe give you some understanding of why sometimes walking away is grace. Sometimes drawing a line in the sand is the kindest thing to do. Um, and it's painful as all get out. And like I said, I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, but I will tell you, I am a better version of me today, three years into this, than I was when it happened three years ago. And that's come with a lot of learning and a lot of pain. Um, but with a lot of grit and a lot of grace and a whole shit ton of gratitude, I wouldn't trade it for the world because I really know me better now than I ever did before. I know my child better now. Um, and he knows himself and me better too. And so don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace. Um, do the research, do some reading, um, go to therapy. Um, definitely not encouraging people to cut folks off for no good reason. But the reality is sometimes that move is self-preservation in the end. And so if that's you, my heart goes out to you. Um and again, I hope this resonated with some of you and and gave some of you all some hope or at least maybe some comfort and some ideas for where to get some more information on it. And these are the topics that are crunchy. And um that's what makes it worthwhile. It's not always the butterflies and the lollipop. Sometimes it's the it's the dirty stuff, it's the crunchy stuff that we need to talk about, that we need to get out there and and help people realize um there's some normalcy there too. So I hope it wasn't too heavy. Um, and I didn't, you know, want to come on and make anybody too depressed right after the holidays, but I thought right after the holidays was kind of a perfect time to get on and talk about it a little bit. So again, thank you for tuning in. Um, lots of upcoming episodes um and new guests. So I'm excited about that. And here's two more adventures um for me and for everybody involved in my journey. So thank you guys so much for tuning in today.