Airing Out Your Vagina

The CEO's Guide to Love: High-Value Dating with Melissa Rogers

• Allie Trimble-Lozano • Season 1 • Episode 12

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0:00 | 45:02

Download my free mini-ebook: It's About Damn Time: The Self Check for Women Leaders Who Work Their Ass Off, Play By the Rules, and STILL Get Passed Over.

I sat down with Melissa Rogers, a Nationwide VIP Matchmaker whose job is as fascinating as it sounds. She doesn’t just introduce people. She curates alignment.

We talked about relationships through a leadership lens. The CEO’s guide to love. High value dating. What it actually means to build real connection in a world that often feels filtered, transactional, and performative.

We unpacked:

✨ Why high performers struggle in modern dating

✨ The difference between status and substance

✨ How to date with clarity instead of ego

✨ And how to recognize genuine connection in an increasingly unreal world

Here’s what struck me most: love operates a lot like leadership. It requires standards. Self-awareness. Courage. And the willingness to walk away from what looks impressive but feels empty.

If you’re building success in your career but still want depth in your relationships, this conversation is for you.

SPEAKER_01

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of the Airing Out Your Vagina podcast, where we put truth first, comfort last, and talk honestly. So I'm thrilled today to be welcomed by my friend Melissa Rogers. Hi there. So I decided that it was February and it was the month of Valentine's. The best month there is. Yeah. And despite the fact that my love life is non-existent, it isn't for everyone. And so I thought instead of just doing a whole episode on the dumpster fire of online dating chapter of my life, why not have somebody on that knows a little bit about it? And I'm so happy you had me. Thank you. Well, I love the fact, and I always start each episode when it's a friend or somebody that I know personally that I have on the podcast. I love to share how I met that individual because I think when you show up in life, you never know who you're going to meet. It's so true. Yeah. And so I would I was laughing even more so because I said, Here I met this woman because she was trying, she was attempting to teach me how to play mahjong, which is an endeavor in and of itself. And I've decided that I'm gonna keep trying, but I don't know if mahjong is gonna be for me or not because it will be.

SPEAKER_00

I'll go one-on-one.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. Well, I'm gonna need some like therapy sessions regarding that.

SPEAKER_00

I can do simultaneously tomorrow. Perfect.

SPEAKER_01

Then I might be able to figure this out. Okay, good. So met you at a mahjong class and then realized and found out that you actually do professional matchmaking. Yes, my real career. Yeah, and then laughed even more when you were gonna be right on the dot this morning because you said you were coming straight from teaching a pure bar class. And I went, Well, woman, what the hell don't you do?

SPEAKER_00

You know, I and I told you, I was like, Well, I don't rest. That's something I don't do.

SPEAKER_01

Sleep happens when we die. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, just kidding. I love being horizontal, it's like my favorite activity. Like, I'll tell my kids like it's horizontal time, okay? Like we are kicking our legs up. But yeah, I keep myself busy. But first and foremost, my passion in my career is matchmaking. Um, I'm just really lucky that I have extra hours in the day because, you know, I have an amazing collaborative team that I work with when I'm matchmaking. And so I get to do things that really fill my cup and bring me joy, like teaching Mahjong and teaching Pierbar. Um, I feel like, yeah, that was just a part of me where I was meant to be a teacher. And a lot of my matchmaking, it is kind of leaning into those parts of yourself where you need to be open to discovery and open to coaching. So that's where that teaching can come in there. I love that.

SPEAKER_01

And I think one of the things that I talk about um mostly really in when I do public speaking is talking about your passion or finding your purpose or your internal genius. And so I love the fact that much of what you do is they're all different, right? And they're different genres, but at the end of the day, they're all the same sort of thing. And it's it's helping people find joy, um, serving that kind of inner guide to other people. I mean, they all kind of align.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's rooting yourself in some kind of purpose, you know, like when you're on the dating scene, you need to actually discover what is my purpose? What am I looking for first and foremost? Because we're in different seasons, right? There's a season where you're like, I am looking for somebody to hang out with and have regular sex with, you know, without stress, right? And then there are other seasons where you're like, I'm actually really looking to develop something that could be forever. I want to find, you know, my soul's counterpoint, so to speak. And so um I think that whether it's a game you play or dating or you know, a health and fitness class, you have to figure out what is my purpose here. And sometimes your purpose is, I'm just gonna go because I need that um that to shut my brain off. Yeah. And I need that that physical release, etc. So that's where it's all rooted.

SPEAKER_01

I love it, and it's so true. I think not just in dating and in a love life, I think there are definitely seasons to our life, and what fills our cup in one may not do so in the next. And so I think constantly evaluating where we're spending our time and what we're doing with our day um makes a huge difference.

SPEAKER_00

And sometimes people are really afraid of that growth, right? But there's there's that quote like, if you're not changing, you're dying. Yeah, and so that's really scary to go into a new season and be like, wait, but this wasn't me two years ago. Like, and then you have to question yourself like, did I just lose myself? Like, I used to love to do XYZ. I was doing A B C. But you realize like you just grew in a different way, and it's not bad and it's not good. You just you simply have to evolve with the seasons of your life.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I talk, I joke. In fact, there's an episode I did solo about Allie and Alley 2.0. And I think for me it was growth, it was letting go of being so concerned with what everyone else thought I should be doing and you know, achieving success when for me all the check marks on the piece of paper didn't feel like success because it wasn't fulfilling. And so finding that I love that you say it's not good or bad, right? Like I learned so much from Alley 1.0 and Alley OG and the things that I experienced and went through and achieved a great deal in that. Um, and now I'm in Alley 2.0, filling my cup in very different ways. Um, but it is growth. And I think to your point, and I do, I love that quote. If you're not growing, you're dying. Yeah. And if you're not evolving, you're you're you're backsliding. And so I think finding that I joke that I feel like as women, I think we all need to live to about 50 and then keep all of that knowledge and start over. Yes, it'd be so much easier the second time or something. It so is, it so is. So dating, dating, let's go. We'll get into that. I think um, and I I you know alluded to it earlier. I have a whole chapter in my book that's called the the online, what did I call it? The dumpster fire of online dating.

SPEAKER_00

And I hear that every day. So this shit.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. I mean, I we the stories, and what's funny is the stories that didn't make the book or the stories from friends that were like, you cannot put this in the book. Too many people will know it's me. Yeah. Um, but knowing that so often now, and I I will say, after my divorce, I've been divorced seven years now. Congratulations. Thank you. Best move ever. Yeah. But I think I thought, oh, I'll meet somebody. Like somebody will know of somebody that I, you know, they think I would get along with, or somebody'll, and I went out with a couple of people that I was introduced to, and a couple of them I remember there were three, and I remember uh two of the two were one date only. And I remember sitting there thinking, why in God's name would somebody have thought this was gonna be a good thing?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you're offended.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. The third I actually dated for a bit. Um, and it's funny because now I say I ditched the the guy and I kept the cousin because I'm actually really good friends with the cousin who I met through that.

SPEAKER_02

Excellent.

SPEAKER_01

Um, but I immediately realized after those three that okay, this wasn't gonna be it. And so then I went through the phase of maybe the Amazon guy will just deliver the perfect person because I never left the house. I never went anywhere. Um, and then a couple of friends were like, you have to try online dating. Um, and I do. I have some friends, I have a couple that have are married now to the person that they met via that.

SPEAKER_00

It's not always the worst thing, but most of the time it has to be a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And then it for me, and I did, I dated, and I say dated because it was more than a few dates, um, a few people that I met online. Um, but I have zero desire to do that again. Yeah. And I think now, um, you know, when I wrote the book and blew up, I say I blew up my life, uh, I broke up with the guy that I'd been seeing that I had met actually on Facebook dating. I liked that one because I thought, well, at least you can see who they know. Okay, yeah. Is it a real human? Um, so that was good. We dated for actually a couple years. Um, and then when my life blew up and I got fired, it was the same week, and I'm like, I'm still taking care of this dude. And so, if in my worst moment in my life, you're not gonna be there for me, like this is this ain't it. Yeah. And so at the same time I was navigating job loss, I ended a long-term relationship. Like, I literally just blew it all up and said, I'm gonna start over. And I have not dated since. And that's been God, eight going on 17 months. Okay. Um, I've just been living my life.

SPEAKER_00

That actually feels really normal for you to kind of what you're doing is you're doing the emotional heavy lifting. You are taking stock, you're creating your manifest. Yeah, and I think that sometimes people forget that manifestation isn't just like sitting here and thinking, like, okay, I'm gonna meet the best person, I'm gonna be the best person. So when you think about it, a plane has a manifest, and what does that tell you? Or if you're packing a box, if you're at UPS, you're making a manifest, it tells you the contents of that box. And so these 17, 18 months, you are creating your manifest of pack the best and leave the rest. You know, you already had the implosion and whatnot. So at this time, I think that it sounds very on par with the people that I've worked with that have been the most successful. They have taken their time to do their, you know, house cleaning, their mental house cleaning of, you know, what was I allowing to happen in my relationships before that like that wounded child wanted, right? It's it all goes back to like a childhood trauma and behavioral therapy and mental health. Um book two has a whole chapter called daddy issues.

SPEAKER_01

Sounds like my middle name.

SPEAKER_00

Um, but yeah, so I think that um it sounds super healthy to me that you've taken this time after the big implosion to figure out okay, who am I now and what brings me joy? Because um there's this book, The Poison Wood Bible by Barbara King Silver, right? And I think the first one of the first lines is like one only has a life of their own, right? Because no matter how well we know somebody else, a partner, um, there are so many mini moments that we have, these micro moments every day that are only ours and they'll only ever be ours. So I love that you are developing Alley 2.0 and you are making space to see where can somebody fit in and do you want somebody to fit in? Yeah. Because maybe you'll go another 18 months saying, I actually love this single life and I love being able to take up my entire bed every night, etc. So yeah, it sounds like what you're doing is pretty healthy.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I'll tell you, healthy or otherwise, it's been some of my favorite time from the perspective of a couple things you just said. So, one, when I got divorced, I remember telling my divorce attorney the day we signed the paper, like, this is way too damn expensive. This cost me way too much time, energy, and money, and I am never doing this shit again. And she laughed and she said, Yes, you will. You just won't do it without me. And I laughed. But as time kind of went on, everybody tells you, you will, you'll, you'll get over it and you'll want to get married again. Still not sure. And, you know, as time has gone on, then I said, I don't know if I want to live with anybody again. Oh, yeah. So then it became, okay, well, my perfect relationship, my perfect partner is somebody that is a foodie, because obviously I love food. I love to travel, I love culture, I love shows, I love all of these things. And so I want somebody that that also enjoys a lot of those same things that I can support in their tough times and their great times that can support me in mine, and then they go home so that you can have the bed here. Yes, yes, and the closet is mine, and if the dogs sleep with me, that's not a problem. I mean, all of those things. Yeah, but I think, you know, all joking aside, as I've as I have done a lot of work on me. Um, I said recently in um I had I did a a solo episode where I talked about for those people that don't know me, like who am I and what are kind of my pillars? And I was talking about the divorcee pillar um and where I come from from that perspective. And I I shared that. I never realized, and this is when you're talking about really doing the clean out and the housekeeping part, I never realized I so desperately wanted to be chosen. I wanted to be the one that that person wanted, that I shape shifted unintentionally, and and really not at all from a conscious perspective, but it was like they love this, oh I love that, they love this, oh I love that. Well, then it's not their damn fault that that's what we do all the time because that's how I presented myself.

SPEAKER_00

And then you're living in an echo chamber, which is you know perfect for stagnants, right?

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. And so I realized like now I'm comfortable, I'm happy where I am, I'm happy being AJ's mom and being Ali 2.0, and I want to choose. Yeah, I want to meet somebody and get to know somebody and spend time with somebody and decide and choose that individual, and I want that individual to, God willing, get to know and spend time with me and choose me back.

SPEAKER_00

And what an incredible realization and inventory to make, right? Holy shit. And I am speaking also as a divorcee where I kind of did the same thing where um, you know, he uh what I thought was if I can just love him more and more and more, then he's gonna see how dedicated I am and how much I love him, and then we're just gonna have this amazing, fulfilled relationship. But what happened was I use that word stagnant, but like I became stagnant, and I was no longer chasing what made what set me on fire. I was chasing what was gonna make him happy about me, all this stuff. Yeah. So um it's and it becomes this cycle. And then I and then that's when you look back and you're like, who are you? Like, what are your interests? So yeah, that's why it really sounds like you are back in this space where you are acknowledging um what feeds you and what doesn't. And um, you know, when I'm interviewing singles all day, or sometimes I'll take in a new client and I'll be like, okay, so do you have any religious preferences? Or like, no, they can really do whatever. And I'm like, okay, are you sure? Because like, let's let's break it down, let's split hairs here. You have a Christian background. So let's say you meet somebody Jewish. Are you open to going to temple on high holy days? Like, are you open to going to a briss? All that stuff. And so then they'll be like, Yeah, I guess I could. And like, okay, so like let's take it one step further. What if that person says, like, hey, I want to marry you, but you need to convert? And they'd be like, I might convert, like, okay, there's no might. Like, let's think about it right now. Tomorrow, I'm giving you this match. And so, you know how you said like you would shape shift. And I think people are afraid of not shape shifting because they think it's going to push away this incredible option. But I think something that, you know, if we're speaking heteronormative, like one thing men and women are attracted to, so I guess not even heteronormative, is confidence. Yeah. Right. And so being confident enough to say, Oh, you love golfing, Sayanara. I'll go, you know, like with my there. Yeah, exactly. I'll be drinking in the clubhouse with the girls. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like people are afraid to not be like, oh yeah, I also love the Super Bowl. Like, you know, like, okay, if you don't, you can just say you go and it's totally fine.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I think, and I think that goes, I say that a lot about women. Um, and I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm you may, I'm sure, have worked with men too. I think women tend we do lose ourselves. Um, and I think we lose ourselves as, you know, I'm not even Ali AJ's mom. I'm just AJ's mom. And I think as as you go through life, we lose ourselves to all these different roles. And so I think you do literally go through a process at the end of a relationship at the at a job loss, at whatever that big significant shift is, where if you're not smart enough to take the inventory, you just keep living in that small, inauthentic box that has been accepted by the people in your life. And when you do, I always say do do, when you do do that work, let me separate it. What I found was, oh my God, I'm not this. There are pieces of this that are there that are authentic, but the authentic me is this. And I was so afraid of, you know, I I talk about going on, I'd go on dates, and they're like, Well, what do you do? And initially I was honest. I was like, Oh, I'm a hospital CEO. And it was either they ran or it was like, Oh, cool, gravy train. Um, and I had both happen. And so then I was like, Oh, I'm a nurse, which is true. I'm an RN, I'll be an RN for the rest of my life. So I was like, I'm a nurse. And then I had a situation where somebody I'd been on three or four dates. Um, I mean, it was nothing serious yet, but we were maybe headed in that direction. And I was like, oh my God. He went to the hospital and took a picture of my picture in the lobby and said, You said you were a nurse. This says you're the CEO of the whole facility. Um, and so I realized, and it was a friend of mine that was like, Why you worked your ass off to get to that level in your career? So why would you dumb it down to make somebody else comfortable at the table? And it there were reasons for it, right? That I explained in the first place. But it really did make me think like, man, how do you start trying to see somebody or get to know somebody and be totally honest about who you are and and the thing? And I'm not talking about putting it all out on day one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how do you manage that? And I think that's where the idea of what you do was intriguing to me. Um, I've never worked with a matchmaker um or done anything like that. And so I really wanted, like I said, I talked a little bit about the dumpster fire of online dating and why I am done with that shit show. Um, and wanted to learn a little bit more from you about really what you do and what the approach is and what you think is kind of the differentiator, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Um, you know, the reason why people have such a hard time online dating is because there really is a paywall, no matter how you slice it. So certainly if you've been on like Bumble or Hinge, um, they'll show you when you first sign up and you're free, you see these attractive singles and you're like, okay, swipe. I am in the right place. Okay. Um, so then all of a sudden, after a week, like your matches are few and far between. You're like, okay, so none of those hotties liked me. That is weird. Like, I've seen myself. Okay. Um, and then so like after a while, it's like, okay, upgrade to see who's liked you. And then you're because all the matches were gone, right? So then you're like, all right, I'll pay the$9.99 to see who likes me. And then you like see who is like interested in you, and you're like, excuse me. Yeah. Is this did they see somebody else's profile because they couldn't, they couldn't think that they had a chance with me. Um, so that's all like built into the legs of the app, you know? Um, and so that's part of the reason why apps can be that problematic dumpster fire situation, um, because they are there is AI, there are AI features in it to recognize what somebody's facial features look like. And so the the apps can tell because of algorithms and whatnot, who are the most sought-after matches. Got it. And so the app knows how to how to sell it. Got it. Um, so what I do is different. Like, first of all, um, in order to be one of my clients, people are paying, you know, uh quite a bit of money to say I'm invested in this process. And then we also look at it as a holistic approach, okay? So my company, um, when somebody signs on, they are speaking to somebody to get all of their preferences. And first and foremost, I always tell people, I am not interested in taking your money if I can't serve you. My ego is just big enough where, like, if I can't serve you and you're gonna think I'm a failure, like I just I'm not gonna take that on. So that's step one. We make sure we can serve somebody. And then um, step two, we match them with a matchmaker, you know, somebody who's gonna get along with them and whatnot. Um, and then once I get a client, I'm going, I'm doing my video meeting with them, I am finding out top to bottom, like what are your preferences and whatnot. Um, and then where are you really?

SPEAKER_01

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_00

And then I give them a professional photo shoot so that, you know, number one, we have to have updated recent photos, you know, because on the apps, a lot of the time you don't know how old a photo is. You don't know how many filters have been applied to it. Like men and women are both using filters and it's so embarrassing. Once you like know how to like, even the ones that think they're stealth, they're like not stealth. Um, so we give a photo shoot to our clients and I help style them, you know. And our VIP clients, I I give them, you know, sessions with an actual stylist other than me, even though I have great style. Um, so they have their photo shoot and then they have access to their match. Maker for the duration of their package, but we also give them access to a date coach. So, you know, they can zero in on their blind spots, they can really break down areas that give them anxiety. Like, why am I not getting a second date? How can I show up on the first date, you know, more comfortable, etc.? It's literal coaching. Yes, it's literal coaching. So they get their matchmaker, they get their photographer, they get their date coach, and then um, you know, all my colleagues were super highly collaborative. So we've got an incredible network. We get to meet people wherever we want. We'll fly to really cool events to meet singles out in the wild. Um but I love that out in the wild. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01

So not me home on my couch thinking Amazon might deliver the video.

SPEAKER_00

It is weird that sometimes people think that people might just pop up on their doorstep. Yeah. Um bad bunny falling through on the Super Bowl.

SPEAKER_01

That's what I'm waiting for. He's just gonna plot.

SPEAKER_00

Um but what I have found is that working with a matchmaker, people who are gonna talk to me, like I would present you to somebody who I think would fit into your ideals, right? Like we had imagine we had already said you want this age range, you prefer this religion, this XYZ. Um, so I can reach out to anybody I want and be like, hey, I just met you at the Waste Management Open, but I think you'd be great for for my client Allie. Do you have some time to chat? Um, and here's the thing nobody like the buy-in is big, right? Nobody who's just looking to hook up or waste your time is going to agree to a 30-minute video meeting with a matchmaker. Yeah, you know, so I think it does make sure somebody is a little bit more serious. Or, you know, like I I present profiles exactly as they are. And so, you know, if I'm like Ali, CEO, XYZ, da-da-da, somebody who does not feel comfortable with that, or somebody who's going to feel inferior to that, they'll be like, She looks a little too successful for me, or they'll say, No, I'm not interested. Or it's like, um, and that's because they're talking to me and they know that okay, this person has made an investment. I've had people say, you know what, I know she only gets a certain number of dates, or he only gets a certain number of dates, and I just don't feel that we're gonna be a good enough match based on this information for you to go forward. To take one of them. So it's like I get to be the gatekeeper, and then some people are also gatekeeping themselves, saying, like, actually, from what I've heard, it sounds like I would waste one of her matches, so I think you should interview somebody else. So there are lots of ways that we can weed people out who aren't going to be a good fit.

SPEAKER_01

That's incredible. Yeah, see, and this is why, like I said, this is why I wanted to have you on because I didn't know I've never worked with somebody, I don't know much about it. And so I really didn't know.

SPEAKER_00

This job is fake, they'll be like, So is that like your real full-time job? And we're like, Yes, it is my real professional career, it's not just a side hustle. This is what I do, or I also love how it's like you're a hospital CEO. I would never be like, oh my god, that sounds so fun. Can I do that? How can I get that job? You're like, uh you study for several years and you get many degrees. Right. And so I always tell people, I'm like, oh yeah, you know what? If you also have a background in clinical psychology and behavioral psychology with an emphasis on human sexuality, certainly I can I can recommend you. This might be great for you. Right. So it is one of those jobs where people are like, I didn't know you really existed. I'm like, I do exist and I am a professional.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, this is real. There's so much, and there is, there's so much science behind it. Um, and I think, you know, aside from the matchmaking component specifically, I think really looking for me, really looking into what not what socially drives, what actually drives healthy relationships, what actually drives, you know, whether it's the uh uh physical relationship, because I had, you know, it's in the book. I had situations where there was there was none. Well, who wants to be married to somebody when there's no physical relationship? Your roommates at that point.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, and so I think having that kind of background is incredible because of the knowledge base you have going into it. So kudos to you for sharing that knowledge and expertise.

SPEAKER_00

Well, I mean, I think just even so it was freshman year first semester in college, and I got to choose my classes and they had intro to human sexuality, and I was like, wait, can I take that? I was like, oh my God, I like want to take that, but I'm kind of shy. Um, because isn't that the elephant in the room? We are all here because two people were attracted enough to each other to have sex with each other. Yet somehow, even in 2026, we are still not kind of talking about it as often or as much as we should be. Um, and yeah, like everybody wants that person who is their absolute best friend who they want to jump their bones every day. And so um, so yeah, I think that uh that has been such a great background for me to have. Um and also I think we just shouldn't be ashamed to say, okay, I have a high sex drive or I don't, you know, like just talk about what what really is biologically happening and like how, you know, if somebody doesn't want, you know, doesn't have a high sex drive, or if somebody doesn't like to travel, they're just not going to be a good partner for me. That kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, I love that. It's funny that you say that about even in 2026. So the name of the book that I wrote or that I published initially is Airing Out Your Vagina, being a real woman in an unreal world. And you would not believe the people, oh my God, it's called what is it called? And yeah, and I love You used the word vagina, yeah. And I'm like, it's an anatomical body part that every woman on the planet has. And so, yeah, that's the name of the I imagine you had used Vulva, right? Yeah, or really gotten deep. Yeah, exactly. It's it is comical. Um, but I think that's part of my goal in having these conversations is taking the stigma away, whether it's you know, dating and what that really looks like, or divorce and what that really looks like, or being a mom, or toxic cultures, I mean, whatever it is. I think the more that we talk about it and the more that we shine a light on it, the less stigma it carries, and it encourages other people then to also discuss and experience more than what they have in the past.

SPEAKER_00

And that's the same with matchmaking, it still has some kind of stigma. Um, however, it's like I think we've all agreed apps are the worst. Yeah, and um, we're not spending as much time socially together anymore. This post-COVID world, like it's crazy. It's 2026, that was six years ago. But people are like, oh yeah, I used to work out a ton, and then COVID happened, and like, okay, that was six years ago. So tell me who you are today. Yeah. Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It changed the world. It really did. And we haven't found a new norm post. We just haven't. And I think, you know, you're the social piece. I mean, you used to, you're either gonna meet somebody at work because you see them all the time, or they're a client of somebody else's at work. Well, now work is virtual for half the world.

SPEAKER_00

Proximity is actually one of the reasons why people used to date because we are attracted to what we're exposed to. Additionally, it used to be so much easier because our our partners are people that the people that we were gonna marry, they were in our religious community or they were in just our community in general, they were friends of our parents. Um, there's a marriage historian, Stephanie Kuhnz. She writes incredibly fascinating books all about this. How it's like we didn't really have that many choices before. We had, you know, a little tiny handful of choices, and now that we're developing our own identities, people are like, oh wait, my parents were Catholic, but I don't believe in God, or something like that. So all of a sudden we're just like, you know, throwing ourselves into this great blue unknown, or you know. So it's definitely things have really changed, and so it's made kind of paradox of choice, right? Now we have so many choices, and that's how the apps are because you swipe right and it's like, ooh, another one pops up, ooh, another one pops up, oh, I don't like him. His hair looks weird, he's holding a fish, and then all of a sudden they run out, you know, because first is at first you're getting that like quick hit of dopamine, like, oh, he's cute, he's cute, he's cute, and then you're like, wait, I swiped them all away. Yeah, now they're all gone. I have no more choices. Yeah. And then your dating app is like silent for days, and you're like, but I'm the best, right?

SPEAKER_01

You're like, there's no way these people aren't interested.

SPEAKER_00

Like, certainly, this isn't accurate.

SPEAKER_01

It's it is, it's um, it's almost, I don't want to say toxic, but there is a toxicity too, in my opinion, dating apps for a variety of reasons.

SPEAKER_00

It like so the culture of abundance is so beautiful to have in so many different areas of life where I'm like, okay, I don't chase, I attract. There's abundant, you know, wealth in this world and I can find it. But the culture of abundance on dating apps, that's when we go, oh, there'll be another one, no thanks. There'll be another one, no thanks. And then when it runs dry, you're like, Well, this sucks. Like, clearly, I'm the worst. Like, and all of a sudden you start to doubt yourself. Like, you walk into it and you're like, here we go. This is gonna be crazy. I'm gonna have so many matches. And then when you don't, you're like, Well, what's wrong with me? Right. You immediately you're going hi, low, hi, low.

SPEAKER_01

Well, and there's the dopamine, which hits from everything else we are attracted to in this life right now, too. Um, and that constant, I think, feedback loop. And so you get into that loop, and it's like one, and that's where I tell you, really stepping back from it and just being and my I love my friends, but they're like, really, dude, like when are you gonna get back out there? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if I am. Yeah. And I I think I've come to the realization or kind of decided, um, and I shared that recently. Like, I I do want somebody to share my life with. Um, you know, merging families is complicated. And I've got a kid that's getting ready to start high school, so it's like, is is now the time to merge families? Maybe, maybe not. Um, but the reality of what I shared and and figuring out, okay, well, what's the happy medium? Um, and more than anything, being authentic to who I am and the version of me that I'm now confident and comfortable living because what I don't ever want to allow myself to do again is to fit back into a box or to backslide into those old habits. Um, and I'm I'm I'm glad that I haven't. Um, you know, as I've had a few and I don't learn lessons easily. So I usually would this one would end, but they'd circle back months later and I'd go, well, maybe. And so I'd try that one again, and it was like, no, I was right the first time when I walked away. And so I've stopped that habit. Um, I've also come to the realization that, like I said, there are there are certain things that are deal breakers for me. Um, and one of them is if if I am a powerful woman and I am an independent woman, but that doesn't mean I want to be the powerful, independent, you know, masculine person in the relationship.

SPEAKER_00

There's masculine energy and feminine energy, and you want to be feminine in a relationship.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, and I've not been with someone. I'm 47 years old, and I've yet to be with an individual that allowed me to soften into that feminine energy. And I think I'm living my life in a much more feminine state, and so I don't want that disrupted. Yeah. I want, you know, I'm not saying I want the alpha that's gonna come in and rule the world. Yeah. Um, I want a voice at the table, but I do want that strong masculine energy that I can depend on, that I feel safe with, that I can soften into my feminine. Yeah, you want to copile. Find the balance. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Also, something I remind people of is like we don't find the perfect relationship. We build the perfect relationship, right? Like we're we're not gonna show up as two um complete individuals on every level. Yeah. Um, but I think the beauty is the the person that's right for you is meeting you halfway, or they're they're wanting you exactly as you are, and they're not asking you to change, or not nudging you to change, they're allowing you to grow around what they're growing around. So that's how you're you know, kind of coming together. Yeah, I love the way that you said that. Thanks.

SPEAKER_01

I'm telling you, what don't you do? What aren't you good at?

SPEAKER_00

You know what? I um I think that at this point I'm just so passionate about what I do. And uh one of the most beautiful things is like love is not always I we we have grown up, like I mean, millennials have grown up seeing the most amazing rom-coms ever. Right. Where like, oh my gosh, these meet cute, like stop. I want one so bad. Um, but I was filming a TV show a few months ago, and they were like, Okay, tell us the craziest stories you have. Like, what's the most insane love story you've ever made? And the the God's honest truth is that love stories that really work out, they are so mundane. They are just having somebody in your corner like a matchmaker. I can think of this couple where she came to me, she had one child, I believe she was 36 or 37, and she was like, I really want to be able to have an option to have another child one day. I'm open to a man who already has children, um, as long as he wants more. And so I met this guy, and he was like, you know, I've already had kids, but I'm I guess I could maybe have more for the right person. And so that's enough for me to say, like, okay, we could try this. They lived about 45 minutes apart. And um she ended up meeting him, and you know, whatever. They they absolutely hit it off. He was like, This is exactly the kind of woman I want to meet. And she said, This is exactly the kind of guy I want to meet. But she's like, he already has kids though, they're a little bit older. I don't know if it's gonna work out. And then he's like, Yeah, and you know, she lives 45 minutes away. It's just like it's a lot. And I was like, Are you crazy? Yeah, you've been on the dating scene for so long and you haven't found what you wanted. But this person is right in front of you. And anyway, so um I ended up, I believe I sent her another match, and then you know, a couple weeks later, she's like, Oh, actually, you don't need to send me this match because I'm dating so and so. And I was like, What, really? Yeah, um, and so there is just so much to be said about pushing them in that direction, saying, Hey, like, if you live 10 minutes outside of Paris and you've never seen the Eiffel Tower, just drive into Paris to go see the Eiffel Tower, right? And so it was last Valentine's Day. I got a text message and a picture of their engagement. And I was just so happy because it was such a mundane story where they were okay, so I I know we can say words on this podcast, right? Yeah, absolutely. I was like, they were stepping on their own dicks. Yeah, you know, like you've you've got this amazing person. Um, and so they they decided they were both using excuses that they had used previously, right? But once they shed those excuses, they realized they were each other's person, and now they're married and they have a baby, and she is gorgeous. I love it. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01

And then Well, and sometimes those excuses are because we're it's fear.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's our fear. It's our we're building our fortress, and when somebody seems too good to be true, we're afraid that they're gonna leave us.

SPEAKER_01

It's still in our brain going, well, we should probably not, because of blah blah blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_00

One of my other favorite stories that they are now engaged is um my client, um, she was like, I am a bougie girl. She was in LA, and she's like, I just I love a handsome, clean cut guy, and I'm also I'm only gonna stay in LA, I'm not going anywhere else. And so I meet this guy who, you know, had a home in LA, but he was actually relocating to another city, and I was like, Oh, well, if you still have a home in LA, like you're so amazing. I just I talked to him and I was like, he's so awesome. But he also had like long hair, like surfer long hair. And I knew she wasn't gonna go for that. So it was like a Friday night, and I had just arrived at my boyfriend's house, and I saw that she was calling and I was like, hold on, I've got to take this call. So I was like, hi, um, you're not gonna like this, but you know, and so I had to say, All right, please trust me. Yeah, this guy seems so awesome. However, when you see his picture, you're you're probably gonna say he has long hair and you don't like it. Also, um, he does have a house in LA right now, but um, he's selling it and he's actually relocating to this metro that is, you know, way across the country. But hey, can you just trust me for a second? Um and that was kind of a crazy story, right? But they ended up hitting it off and they are so deeply in love. They got engaged on the top of a volcano in Hawaii. Wow. Um, and so yeah, there were lots of reasons why I would like, you know, I get yelled at by clients all the time, but I was literally like, okay, she's not gonna love this, but I would be doing a disservice if I didn't tell her about this awesome guy. So love is gonna show up at your door in a way that you might try and push it away after, you know, failed relationships and whatnot. But just I always say, come from a place of curiosity. That's all we can do. We can be curious about the person, we can be curious, curious enough to have a second date, but then once we know it's either not going anywhere or it's just not right for us, then we can say, you know what, I tried, but let's not step on our own dicks before that gets too.

SPEAKER_01

Out of fear.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I love that.

SPEAKER_00

I love that.

SPEAKER_01

And thank you. I that was gonna be one of my questions. So I love that you had to share anyway. That's fantastic.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I think it's really fun. Also, um, what was great is um a couple that I just went to their wedding in November, it was such a stunning, amazing affair. Um, he was my client, and you know, he was just ready. He was ready to find his person. And um, you know, he was a cute Jewish boy in New York City, and I actually went on Facebook. I went part of this millennial single group, and so I just I blocked out his face, and I was like, hey, I have a nice Jewish boy, he's in Manhattan. Anybody, any nice Jewish girls out there looking for him? And then I got like 45 people right away being like, okay, I'm interested. The first girl I interviewed was lovely. Like I literally was like, Are you real? You're so cute, you're so lovely, like you're age appropriate, etc. So um I sent him her profile and the rest was history. It was his first match, and they are now married, and they are just so dear to me. So there are some times when it's crazy. It just happens. Yep, sometimes it's the first match.

SPEAKER_01

I love that. I love that. And if it is, that's awesome. And if it's not, you keep plugging.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I'm a vibe scientist, I say. I hate the word vibe, but like I truly put it in the world. But that's a good word.

SPEAKER_01

That's why I said your intuition. You have a gut instinct.

SPEAKER_00

You have to get to know your clients at a level where you're not afraid to like be honest with them, right? I have this client right now who's like, I love how you don't take my shit. And I'm like, you're exactly right. I don't take your shit. Well, because if I do, then I'm not gonna find the right person for you.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

So the biggest thing that I say, and I'm like, hey guys, I'm not trying to be crude or anything like that, but you pay me for my professional opinion. You don't pay me to blow smoke up your ass.

SPEAKER_01

Like that's just the long and otherwise you'd be on the dating app. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

Like, well, I mean, if I was just going to be your echo chamber to reuse that term, like, I mean, nobody wants to be in a room of yes men. Like, you need somebody to say no to challenger. And yeah, exactly, because that's when you're changing. And if you're not changing your diet, that's exactly right.

SPEAKER_01

I love it. I love it. Well, I can't thank you enough for coming on and sharing your background and your stories. And I mean, I just I like you as a person, so it made it that much more fun.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, this was so fun. I'm so thankful that you had me.

SPEAKER_01

Oh my gosh, yes. I I've been wrapping up each episode with a question, and it's it's funny because I chose it on purpose because regardless of kind of where the conversation um was oriented, it really causes people to think a bit. And so I ask each guest um really to give me kind of like we were talking about alley 1.0 and alley 2.0, and you know, you've been through what you've been through in your life and now what you're doing. And so if you could share one belief or one idea um that held space for you in the past that you either had to really significantly change or let go of completely to be and do what you're doing now, what would that be?

SPEAKER_00

Now, I'm sure a lot of people have felt this, but for me it was imposter syndrome, yeah, you know, especially people going like, oh, that's your job, that's not a real job, or something like that. But also it's like there is no college degree for matchmaker, there is no like um specific career path that you can follow to like get on this trajectory. So when I first started matchmaking, I felt like, oh my gosh, should I even be doing this? Like, I'm not I don't do this, like I'm just trying it. Um, and so a lot of times I would get nervous to say no to clients, like when you know, somebody had these just requests that I'm like, okay, there's no way anybody's gonna fulfill that. Not on planet earth. Instead of like, so now I'm super direct, right? But before I'd be like, okay, um, let me try, like, yeah, we can totally do that. And now I'm just like, actually, so this is what you want in a partner. What do you think that partner wants in a partner, right? Like, do you really think you're on that level that you guys are gonna be meeting in the middle? Or so that's for me. It was imposter syndrome. I had to like realize, I had to pull up my pants and be like, I know what I'm talking about and I know what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_01

Big girl path. And lipstick.

SPEAKER_00

Always lipstick.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I love that. I love it. And it's true. I've had and some people say the word imposter syndrome. Sometimes, you know, people talk about really and it but the bottom line is it's having faith and confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table and knowing that what you have is valuable enough to really share it. Not dumb it down, not mute it down, and not take on a client that you know there's no way in hell I'm gonna be able to help you.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes.

SPEAKER_01

You know, that's where we have to be there. It's so true. Well, thank you so much, seriously, for coming on. We'll have to do this. We'll do like a repeating thing. I would love that. I'll be back next week. Awesome. I love it. Thank you so much for being here. Absolutely. Guys, thank you for joining us again. And um, stay tuned. We'll be back next week with another episode of Airing Out Your Vagina.