2.5 Surviving Abuse, an Eating Disorder & Postpartum Anxiety | Dr. Amber Banda

Y'all know the drill by now. We say the quiet part out loud, and today's guest doesn't hold back.

Amber Banda, an El Paso radio personality known for her voice long before anyone knew her story, sits down with Allie to unpack what it actually took to become the woman people now buy tickets to hear speak. Amber gets real about surviving childhood sexual abuse, growing up under an undiagnosed bipolar parent, a severe eating disorder that nearly killed her, and postpartum anxiety that pushed her to breaking point.

But this isn't a pain Olympics. It's a conversation about what you do with the wreckage. Amber turned her worst years into a mission: advocating for kids who don't have a voice yet, and refusing to let her pain go to waste. She and Allie talk body dysmorphia, spotting fake people from a mile away, why "don't downplay your trauma" is a survival skill and not permission to stay stuck, and how choosing to look for the good (the glimmers) rewires how you move through a hard day.

If you've ever minimized your own story because someone else "had it worse," this episode is your permission slip to stop.

Grab your free copy of Allie's ebook, It's About Damn Time, right here: https://go.allietrimblelozano.com/damned-time-or

New episodes drop weekly. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us your glimmer this week.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Somewhere between the corner office, the carpool line, and the third glass of wine, a lot of women lose themselves. Allie Trimble Lazzano, she found her way back, and she's not keeping the roadmap to herself. This is Airing Out Your Vagina. Grace, grit, and a splash of sarcasm. Here's Allie.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

Welcome back, everybody, to another week of Airing Out Your Vagina, where we talk about what really needs to be said out loud, and most people are too afraid to say. And I am thrilled today to be recording an episode and to have a guest on my show, who many of you, at least in the El Paso and surrounding areas, are probably familiar with the name, if not the voice. But I have Miss Amber Banda with me today.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

Hi, guys. It is so weird to be known for my voice. Let me just start off with that. But hi Allie, thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I'm very excited to talk to everyone today and for them to get to know me because when you're on air, you kind of have to censor yourself. But I've been told I don't have to censor myself so much right here. So I'll try to reel it in a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Don't. It's way more fun when we just are who we are. So that's one of the benefits to not being corporate America anymore and doing my own thing. And so I love when I have guests that get to experience a little bit of that freedom with me too.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Perfect.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

All right, I'll take your advice. Awesome. So I love when I have a guest on that I know or that I've met or interacted with, I like to tell the little story of kind of how we met. And so I met Amber at an event for the El Paso Women's Network. And so if you all remember in season one, I had a guest on by the name of Zerelda Gallegos. And Zorelda is one of the women that is kind of leading the charge and navigating that uh with that organization. And I went and spoke and had an amazing time um at one of their events for it was Valentine's Day. So I did their Galantine's Day event. Um, but a couple months later, they do these usually every six to eight weeks. And so when I got the email and the notification about the next one, I was super intrigued because another friend of mine, Nicole, who was on an episode last um season, knew Amber really well and said, Oh my gosh, are you going? And I said, I've already got my ticket. So I couldn't wait to go and to meet you and to hear your story. Um, but that's really how we kind of crossed paths. And now, you know, I tell people if I meet you and I like you and you're real, like you're just stuck with me for life. That's how it works.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

Yeah, Nicole, I love her. Um, it is so weird for people to be to be buying tickets to go see you. You're probably like, who's Amber Bonda? But Nicole, yeah, I felt that way. Yeah. I mean, and now like when I see announcements where Ali's gonna be speaking, I'm like, oh man, I want to go. Uh, you know, my work schedule is like a little crazy because I know you had one recently, but I am gonna make one of your one of your events. So when they asked if I would speak at this event, this women's network event, I was I was kind of wondering, like, well, what am I gonna say? They're like, just be you. I'm like, well, who, you know, I know I know who I am, right? I know what I've been through, but what I don't want people to buy tickets, attend, and then not have anything to show for it. So when I got there, Nicole was like, Oh my god, you have to meet my friend Allie. You have to meet her. She wrote a book called Airing Out Your Vagina. I'm like, okay, once she told me the the name of the book, I'm like, I need to meet, I need to meet this bitch. So we go over the room. Who's this lady? Who is this lady? If she's willing to have a book that has that type of title, I need to meet her. So you and I didn't really get to talk a lot. So I was like, I hope she doesn't think I'm rude. I just I was so nervous, I was so anxious to because that was my first time ever telling my story, like my complete story, to a group of women that seemed so powerful. They seemed, you know, so well dressed and put together. And I, you know, this is me, right? I'm always like in tank tops and shorts. And so going to that.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Let me just say, yeah, if I had your legs, I would live in shorts too. And if I had your arms, I would also be in tank tops. Instead, I'm in a long sleeve shirt and jeans and it's 105 outside.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

Why, girl? Show, I mean, why are you in tank? Like, just, you know, I read somewhere that or I I heard somewhere that if you don't love your body the way you are, if you have that mentality of, I'll love myself when it's not. I'll love myself when I get the promotion. I'll love myself when I lose the pound. And I understand because I'm even the with the way I I look, because I have body dysmorphia for my past eating disorder, I still like have this. Yeah, I hate my legs. I hate my fucking legs, and everyone's always complimenting that, right? No, so it's like, no, I I get it, but that was uh that was a really cool event. That was my first impression of you. I I had to to get one of your books, and then you remind me of this quote that I heard. It says, Sometimes people that you've just met, basically strangers, have better intentions for you than people that you've known your whole life. And I think that when I met you and and the way you were talking to me, I can sniff out fake pretty good. Just because growing up with the childhood I had, I had to learn to read body cues. Are they that mad? Like that little change in the way they close the door, right? I think a lot of us can there's probably a lot of people like their brains are going off. I'm like, oh my god, that's how that's why I can read people so well. That's why I can sniff out the bullshit. Because growing up, you had to as a kid. It was survival. It was survival. Can I do I have to shrink today or can I ask for a glass of milk? And so when I met you, I thought, no, this, this, this, this lady's for real. I mean, with a book like that too, but like this this lady that's saying, I want you to be this, and I'm so proud of you, and I think that that was great. Like, I just I could feel the the genuineness coming from you. So thank you for going on. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

And that means a lot to me. And I I say to people a lot of the time, like, there is nothing polished or perfect about me. I show up as I am, who I am. Um, you know, you mentioned the body dysmorphia eating disorder. Same. Um, and so I navigated a lot of those things. And I'm, I would say I'm much better now than I've ever been in the past. And as far as accepting myself and being, I'm probably more comfortable in my own skin now than I've ever been. We're getting ready to go on a trip. And I'm like, I don't give a shit. I'm wearing swimsuits and I'm doing the thing and we're gonna have a great time. So I think I'm better now than I ever was. But sitting there in that room at that event, listening to you, when you listen to someone speak, there's powerful speakers that are professional at it and have done it for 40 years. And so you're gonna get a message from them. You're gonna live, you know, leave with a couple of nuggets, whatever. But when you have an opportunity to hear from somebody that's speaking about personal experience, not preaching, not, you know, sharing these pivotal ideals that belong to somebody else, um, not quoting from a book, not, but literally, and you did one right now about me. You you take quotes that you fall in love with, and you had a few that you shared when you spoke. Um, and I love that. It's like the idea behind the book where each chapter was basically about a meme. So each chapter, you know, had a meme on the cover of that chapter, and it it kind of, I guess, set the tone for that chapter. I think you do that really well with quotes. And so when you spoke, you would share a quote and then you would relate that to something that you had personally navigated, whether that was, you know, childhood things, that was, you know, body dysmorphia and an eating disorder. It was, I think when you speak from a raw and vulnerable place, um the walls come down. And so I think people are able to really identify with you better than if you're the person in the suit and the tie and the heels and the, you know, kind of pedestalized or up on that stage, if you will, whether you're on a stage or not, if you're speaking raw, authentic, vulnerable, people can pick up on that in an instant.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

Yeah. And like you said, I'm not just saying quotes just because they sound like they fit that era of my life or they sound like they would help somebody. Those really are quotes that help me because I mean, I hate to say this because, you know, my family growing up, there's a lot of good in them, especially my mom. But there was a lot of examples of what not to do, what not to be. So I didn't have someone to really be that role model. So I had to, I mean, I know people talk shit about social media and this and that. And yeah, like there's a lot of bad that goes on on social media, but if you take advantage of the algorithm and stop following the people that have perfect bodies and start following the people that aren't perfect and you know, the moms that aren't, don't have it all together. Like a lot of them have a lot of great wisdom, including quotes, like these quotes started popping up on my feed, and I they they just made such a big impact. I don't know if you know what it is in my brain where the thing, for example, because I like you said, I do a lot of child advocacy because of the childhood I had, right? So there's another quote don't let your pain go to waste. If you went through something shitty, you can either uh do something to make other people feel what you felt, or do you do something to make sure people don't ever feel what you felt. And so when I had my second daughter, I have two daughters, one's 20, one's 11. I had a lot of postpartum anxiety, not depression, anxiety. And to the it was to the point where I'm like, I I need, I just I need to get the fuck out of this because it was so bad.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

So I was feeling yourself literally starting to sink. It's like, okay, I'm sitting in the mud, but now it's like developing suction. And if I don't do something now, I'm gonna sink in this mud.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

Yeah. And if you've had a traumatic childhood like we have, you're used to a certain amount of discomfort. And it's not even discomfort at that point, right? Most people would like literally drown, but we're able to tread in 30 feet of water. But when it was getting to the point where I wasn't able to keep my head above water, I was losing sleep. I would see these videos of child abuse, and I was just like, I couldn't, I couldn't function anymore. It just kept replaying in my head. I'm like, okay, I need to do something, I need to do something about this. So it gave me purpose. And so there was a quote I read. It says, Complaining without action is called whining. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be a whiny bitch. Like I've never been a victim, I've never whined. So I'm like, all right, well, what am I gonna do? What do I do? Right. And it's like whenever you're gonna try something new, like you're talking about, you know, I heard your your your podcast before this where you're trying to navigate all of this on your own as far as the technology, how to promote it, having to get new passwords and do all this and that. Oh my god. You know, it's great to know what you don't know. You don't know audio, you don't know tech. You know, at the time I didn't know how to volunteer to advocate for kids, but I did know CPS. I'd heard of, you know, everyone knows CPS. So I called them, hey, can you guys help me? And then they opened different doors. And so um, I think that quote can help a lot of people, you know. Just if there's something that you want to do, just you know, there's some you you have a little bit of knowledge of where what direction you want to go, just keep asking, keep asking, keep asking, and the doors will eventually open. And it's you know, I believe that if it wasn't for my postpartum anxiety, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm you know, I'm grateful I don't have it anymore. But another example of don't let your pain go to waste.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Yeah, I love, I love that. And I think it's it hits me um and resonates with me. Um, because, well, two things. One, when I said, okay, you know what, I think I'm gonna take this journal and make a book out of it and publish and share it. And I remember thinking like, this is so real and raw and vulnerable me, am I really putting this out there, publishing it and sharing it with the world? And so there came the title, Airing Out Your Vagina, because it was like, hey, it's all here uh for anybody to read and look at. But I think when I made that decision, I said, if something I've navigated, some mistake I've made or misstep, you know, I took or misguided ideas, uh, errors in my past, things that I wished I could go back and change, if sharing all of that with other people, if one woman felt a little less batshit crazy or a little bit less alone, mission accomplished. And I think, you know, that was the first kind of iteration. And I think the second one, the next big one, was after I got fired and decided, you know what, screw it. I'm gonna launch a podcast. I'm gonna talk about toxic workplaces, I'm gonna talk about the issues in healthcare, um, management, leadership, you know, all of those things. Because if I don't, then everything that I navigated, yeah, I may have learned a lot from it. I may have learned what I will and won't tolerate, but someone else is sitting in that exact same, you know, sinking tub of mud. And maybe they'll hear something from me. Maybe they'll go to somewhere where you're speaking and you'll share something from your past. I think that's the gift. And I think when we find a way to be secure enough in ourselves, even though it's scary as shit, because there's still days. I had a day on Tuesday where I was like, what am I even doing? How am I gonna make this work? Should I just go back to being what? And then I sat with it and it's like, no, because I like the alley I am now so much more than I liked the alley from two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago. And so you keep pushing. And I think by having the courage to do that, I talk a lot about giving other women a walking permission slip. They see you wearing the shorts and having the courage. They see, you know, you speaking up about things that you've navigated, the volunteer work you do with kids. Um, I think it really does, it's inspiring to others because it resonates. It's not inspiring because it's like, oh wow, look at her. I want to be like that when I grow up. I don't know that anybody wants to be like me when they grow up, but they see a real woman that's navigating real life bullshit and talking about it. And I think that's the gift that you have with, you know, the radio show and with, you know, what you do uh in your life too. So talk to me a little bit about kind of that journey. So you talked about, you know, the postpartum anxiety and being grateful for that because it kind of led you to where you are. But talk to us a little bit about, you know, what did that look like? What was that path for you?

SPEAKER_02 14:21

I think to better understand that, you got to start from the beginning, but I uh it's it's a lot. So when my mother conceived me, no, I'm just kidding. So yes, perfect, right? When I was a little bean, so growing up, I didn't have a dad. It was my mom, and we lived with my grandparents who were very controlling. My mom uh at the time, she had uh undiagnosed bipolar disorder. So growing up, there was certain highs and lows that we didn't understand at the time. And uh as I got older, you know, there was a couple of instances uh I was sexually abused by some close family friends, and then there was some abuse that happened, um emotional, phys uh physical, uh you know, just kind of I don't it even now, like I think I kind of in my head downplay it, but it was pretty bad. I had my grandparents yelling really bad things at me when my mom wouldn't show up, your mom's a whore, and you're gonna be an or fan, you know, and so because and the only thing that actually put it into perspective, Ali, is I downplay it. I don't know if they have survival skill or just so that way I can move on. Oh, for sure. When I when I think, would I ever do that to my daughters? Fuck no. Like, and if it's someone, if you ever think that about your childhood, especially as a parent, would you do that to your kids? And if the answer is like fuck no, okay, then don't downplay your trauma, right? So then, you know, growing up, I had a severe eating disorder. I was in, you know, I trigger warning for anyone that's triggered by numbers of weight. I was two inches taller, so I was five, six, I lost bone, and I was 86 pounds. So I was basically dying. Went, got an NG tube, got out, you know, gained the weight because you're eating your brain at that point. So I literally went back. Yeah, yeah, no, literally. And I mean, if you know, you're you're really not thinking right. Like, I still don't see my body the way other people see my body. And after that, I came back to I finished my senior of high school. Um, I got pregnant. Maybe about a year or two afterward, I ended up leaving the guy, got a restraining order on him. That's a whole other story in itself. And then I ended up meeting the guy that I'm with now. Great guy. We've had our ups and downs. You and I have even talked about this. And we all do.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Yeah, nothing is perfect. I love, you know, we every relationship, any relationship worth having is worth fighting for at times. It's it's knowing when it isn't anymore. I think that's the key. But I I always tell people there's no such thing as perfect. I mean, and now I've been single long enough, I'm not sure that I'm dateable at this point. I'm like, I like my closet the way it is, and I like my time frame. But I did want to just interject that there's no such thing as perfect, but it's certainly not somebody that you're looking for a restraining order from. And so to movement, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. So, you know, I have my, like I said, I have my 20-year-old, I have my 11-year-old, and after my 11-year-old was born, I had severe postpartum anxiety. Now, I tried going to my Obi-Gin at the time. He wanted to put me back on pills. I had been off pills for a long time, and I was like, I don't want pills, I want a support group, I want to hear that I'm not crazy. So I made that cold call to CPS. They told me about a nonprofit that I'm still part of today. It's called Community Partners of El Paso. They help kids with CPS cases. And I just started going to different events, you know, for child advocacy. And the very first event that I sp that I the very first time I came out about my abuse to someone other than my husband or my mom or some close members of my family was to a group at a park. It was actually, I I don't remember the name of the park, but it was uh it was for an organization called Project Chance, creating hope for abuse and neglected children everywhere. And I talked about not my whole life story like I did at the women's event, but just my abuse specifically. And another lady came up, we're still friends to this day. She talked about her with her grandson. And at all these events that I was going to, there was this biker group called Guardians of the Children. And I didn't grow up around motorcycles, I had no desire to ride a motorcycle, but they came up to me, and I'm pretty sure I had pissed one of them off earlier because I accidentally called them Guardians of the Galaxy. He was like the scariest biker I'd ever met in my life. But they came up to me afterward, I'm like, Oh my god, these guys are gonna jump me. I said the wrong thing, like you know, because I had that misconception of bikers still at the time. And they're like, We want to present you and Lillian. This is the lady that also gave a speech about her grandson, and they presented me with what's called a teardrop, and it's a teardrop necklace that they only gave to little guardians, which are like kids that are ceremoniously adopted into their the biker organization because of what you said. You know, they'd never done that before. And I was like, Oh my god, and they invited me to meetings. I was like, I don't ride a motorcycle, like so you know, I kept seeing him at these events, seeing them them at these events, and one of my friends was like, Go to the meeting. He he was part of the group. So I show up, they're all in these leather cuts. I'm like, why the hell are they wearing leather? It's a thousand degrees outside. It's a bike I learned later on. So I ended up buying a motorcycle to participate with this group. Now you don't need a bike, but if you have a motorcycle, you're able to, you know, work more closely with the kids. Sure, be more involved. Be more involved. And I credit Guardians of the Children, Sun City Chapter. They're actually a national organiz international organization. You can look them up. I credit them with a lot of where I'm at today because they forced me to go and be the face of Guardians. So I started being on podcasts, talking about it to the news outlets, doing anti-bullying presentations, talking about child abuse statistics. And from there, you know, I I I got a lot of uh my speaking skills through them, being able to speak uh about what I was passionate about. You know, I didn't let my pain go to waste. It became my I became who I needed when I was younger. I needed an advocate for me. And then come COVID year, you know, everything shut down, schools were hybrid, and then when the kids were actually able to go back to school, my daughter started school during COVID virtually, and my oldest started high school virtually. So I started thinking, oh, you know what? Um I want to send them back to school, but I'm really worried about this COVID stuff. So I started working in the schools. I eventually became a sub. Well, summer school, there's no jobs for subs. So I'm like, well, what do I do? Now I used to teach fitness classes. Oh, during COVID, I would give virtual classes, no charge, just I turned my camera on. Everyone knew Thursday at six o'clock, I was gonna do my kickboxing. Friday, six o'clock, I was gonna do my cardio dance, and people would tune in. I didn't realize how many people tuned in. Didn't even they didn't even do the dance or the cardio. They just, you know, they just wanted to tune in, see someone familiar. So when I applied for this job at iHeart, I got the job, and then later on, uh, this was just a promotions tech. This was just okay, you're gonna drive the vehicle to the remotes, you're gonna set up the canopy, you're you know, it's not dirty work, it's just groundwork. And from there, you know, one of my coworkers was telling me that you know, being on air is a lot like what you did with your virtual classes. Like you're talking to no one, you're painting a picture in someone's head while you're there by yourself. So I thought that was really cool. So that gave me the power to apply for the promotion that came up to be on air. Now we have six iHeart stations here in El Paso. I had only really worked with our news station as far as like production, like learning the microphones, learning how to edit, um, you know, do uh getting familiar with our public affairs program that deals with uh nonprofits, which I take over, I love it now. So I applied for the position. And my manager, Patty the, she was like, All right, I wanted to be on Sunday 99.9 because that's the music I knew the most. She was like, Okay, how about 96.3 K A country. At that time, I mean, I grew up listening to rock and roll. I didn't George Strait, you know, uh Dolly Parton Lowe's are country, right? So I applied for the position. I got I Had the confidence through everything I had gone, you know, I had gone through, and I I I got the on air role. I have a degree in biology. I life is funny, you know. You you make plans and you're I'm where I'm supposed to be. And I think a lot of it again is credited to finding my passion for help, which was helping kids, because that's my cross to bear, so to speak, from when I was younger. Yeah. And because I followed my passion, I didn't follow the money because I was initially I have a degree in biology because I was following the money. I was gonna be pre-med. Long story, that didn't happen. But if you find your passion, I think that's one thing that people, especially the younger generation, I sound so old, needs to realize. Don't look for happiness, don't look for money, don't look for fame. All of that shit will follow if you find your passion, what you would do, even if you weren't getting paid. How are you gonna change the world? Whether it's in your house, in your country, in your in your you know, in the world. And I think that finding that passion of helping kids really helped me get the position I am today where I'm at today. And now I get to work with all the nonprofits, all the nonprofits I want through the public programming. So that's kind of like my, you know, my life story of how I got to where I'm at today. And if anyone has questions, you have questions. I'm an open book.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

I love that. And I think sharing it in that way, um, you know, from however you worded it, from the seed to present. Um but I think the idea that, and I said it earlier, being a walking permission slip. So I mean, you at that park that day being moved to share from a personal perspective what you had experienced as a child, and then another person heard your story and it empowered them to come over and talk to you and you had a moment. And then I love the guardians of the galaxy, but the guardians of the children. Um, I had not, I was not familiar with them until I heard you speak the first time and looked into them and looked at some of the work that they do. And I think when we find people that we resonate with, and we find people that are are, and I say do the work because the work works. And it it works for us when we do, you know, the shadow work and we go to therapy and we, you know, learn the lessons. You know, you mentioned earlier the pills. And I think there's a time and a place absolutely for medication, for mental illness and for support. But I also think as a society, we tend to prefer to numb things out, um, whether that's alcohol, it's illicit drugs, it's legal drugs, um, and not really deal with it. And I think, you know, you you push that stuff down. And, you know, you and I have talked about that, where you can only shove things down for so long before, you know, little leaks start to happen. And so then, you know, you're really short-tempered with your kids, or you're very frustrated and irritable with your partner or your spouse. I think, you know, all of those things. And by you speaking out, um, I it it takes the stigma away um in sharing your experience and in sharing the things that you've navigated. Um, I think a lot of people that have navigated abuse, we tend to self-blame um, or like you mentioned earlier, downplay it. It wasn't really, it wasn't that bad. Um, you know, I I've shared with you and I speak openly about, you know, some of the family estrangement and things going on in my life. And, you know, when you touched on how you used to downplay it, and then you were like, well, wait a minute. If this were going on with my daughter, would I still be downplaying it? And I think for me, it was the same moment, Amber. I had a moment where some things had happened and some things were said and done in front of my son. And I remember thinking, holy shit, I'm gonna raise another one. I'm gonna sit here and excuse the behavior and oh, but it's family and blood's thicker than water, and you know, make all the excuses and placate everybody at whose expense? And it was in that moment that I was like, it took me, I'm 47 years old now, and it took me to about 45 to have that moment. But I remember thinking, it took me to 45 to realize that none of that shit is normal. The behavior's not normal, the toxicity is not normal, the pain is not normal, and I am reinforcing it being normal to my then, you know, 10, 11, 12-year-old son. And so none of it's easy. Um, but I think it's those, it's those moments, and I wanted to just reiterate kind of my instance of those same thoughts. And I think the power is in sharing it, the power is in the realization in the moment and not shoving it down, having the moment where it's like, yeah, no, that was not okay. What was said was not okay, what was done was not okay, and it's okay for me to not be okay about it.

SPEAKER_02 26:55

Oh, yeah. Especially as a mom, you kind of like have we have this uh what is that called? That's that sense as a woman, the female intuition. It's not bullshit. And and trust me, I come from a science background. I am very evidence-based. Yeah, but there were so many times when you look back where you didn't listen to that voice. And I've heard you talk about it with business, but even as a mom, oh, it's just some just hug your tias, hug your tias, right? And they hug them. And there's something in you that feels like, well, if they don't want to hug, they shouldn't. Like my kids, if they don't want to hug their grandparents on Christmas, you don't fucking have to and do not make them. Like it's just something where it's it's in me and maybe it's overprotective for some people. I don't give a shit. And then for people that are thinking, you know what, I need to be healed in order to talk. I am not fucking healed. I am very much angry, but a lot of my power comes from that anger. Like people that are passionate about helping other people to the point where they quit their job and create a podcast or they buy a motorcycle to advocate for kids, it's another level. It's not normal, but these are the people that make change. You don't have to be batshit crazy to make change, but you don't have to be healed either. There's no such thing. Like, I still go to therapy, I still have disordered eating thoughts, I still lose my temper at my kids, even if I've had a good sleep and I've been eating good. Like it's it's okay. And I think something that I wish I would have learned when I was younger is the phrase hurry up and fail, right? It's like, okay, I gotta be, I especially if you're like coming from a people pleaser background, you got, I gotta be perfect. I have to have all my ducks in a row before I start my podcast, before I ask for a raise, before I and then passes and it doesn't happen. So it's like you need to just hurry up and fail, whatever it is, because you're not gonna know, you're not gonna be perfect when you start. You're you're just not. And so I think that that is one thing that I would like for women, men, whoever to take away is that just hurry up, just hurry up and fail. You don't have to be healed. I mean, and for me personally, with the advocacy that I do, you know, now it's geared more towards helping many nonprofits, but that thing in my head where I still get that little twinge of anger when I read a story or hear about certain, you know, people that are in politics, even though they're associated with a known pedophile, whatever it is, like I don't want to take that away in therapy. I don't want that to be like, oh, okay, just let it go. Like there's certain things, yes, where it comes to my relationship or my kids, yes, I'm learning to bring down the stress, bring down the age, let certain things go. But with that, fuck no. But that's just my calling. If yours is uh supporting women, if it's supporting breast cancer victims, if it's outrage at the healthcare system that you want to talk about, if it's outrage, you know, because you want better health for veterans, for dogs, whatever it is, like it's okay to have that passion towards that and feel like you don't have to know everything in order to advocate for it. I didn't know shit.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

I no, I agree. And I think, you know, you touched on, and I'm gonna ask you this in just a second, but I like to ask guests, you know, what is what's a belief that you've held um that you had to kind of let go of or adapt, I guess, maybe not totally let go of in some cases, um, in order to get to where you are on your current path. And I shared recently in an episode that for me, there's been many iterations of that. Um, but I think currently, the idea that you have to be perfect before you can start. You have to have all your ducks in the row, everything has to be lined out, all the boxes checked, all the stuff. And one of the things that, you know, I've shared in some of my talks is that women won't apply for a job. They won't even apply, throw their hat in the ring unless they check every box on that application sheet, unless they have all the experience, know all the things. Men will apply if they have 30 to 40 percent. And that's not a dig at mint. I think women need to rethink that we don't have to be perfect. Plus, there's no such thing as fucking perfect. But I think showing up, doing the work, I used to think, and I actually am writing book two. And in book one, I talked about anger being something we needed to work through and kind of a useless emotion. And I have completely changed my viewpoint on that. Um, and I love that you said that like I don't want to get rid of all the anger because in some ways it's not walking around being a bitch and just, you know, being angry all the time. Um, but it's the idea that that anger sometimes comes from intuition. It comes from it's your spark. And so it's like, you know, anger, joy, gratitude, all the different emotions. They have their time and place. But I think anger, one is a protection. It's your body, it's your mind, it's your intuition saying, time out, Amanda, time out, Allie, time out, Amber, time out. This is not okay. This is not normal. And you have every right to be super pissed off. Um, and then it's figuring out what you're gonna do with that anger. And I think, you know, you talking about making pain your purpose and figuring out how do I give back, how do I guide others, so that maybe they don't have to go through what I went through. Maybe they can hear my story and go, oh, hell no, I would never do that. Um, and I'm great with that. I hope that that happens more often than not. Um, but if I asked you that question, if I posed to you, you know, what's one belief that you had to let go of to be the amber banda that you are today instead of the one you were five years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago, what would you say?

SPEAKER_02 32:17

The first thing that popped into my head, I know later on I'm gonna think, like, oh, I should have said that, is asking permission or waiting for permission. If there is no happiness in your life, uh fucking create it. If there is something you want to do, and I remember manifesting this walking in the park, I was like, I want to be able to help people through dance and motorcycle, this and that. Create it and then do it. Like, if you're waiting for the opportunity, you're if you're just waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for the right time, it's not gonna happen. Like, don't wait for permission. You know, my husband, he's amazing, he's a breadwinner in the family, and and a lot of my not wanting to do a new job was like, I don't know how it's gonna work with both of our schedules. That was a big thing. And I'm like, you know what? If he needs to leave work early, because I know he can for one or two times a week, then it's not, honey, I'm gonna it's you need to leave it too, because I need to be at work at this time. Like it was both of our decision to have a child, so we need to, and and granted, I know he's the breadwinner, so his, you know, I make sure that he's not completely, you know, poor thing disrupted with his work, but not waiting for someone to ask uh to ask permission for someone for someone to allow you to get healthier and go to the gym, like freaking sign up for the gym membership or allowing you uh well, when maybe when my family seems like they're older and they're a little more calm, I can ask for peace when it comes to don't do that during Christmas break or don't no draw that line now. You if if that's what you think is best for you and your family, because you are the deciding factor of what's best for you and your kids, draw that line now. Don't wait for permission, don't wait for an end, don't wait for a great opportunity. It's never gonna happen. It's not gonna happen unless, you know, just like people say, it's not gonna be handed to you on a silver platter. If you want to write a book, sit down, start writing it. It'll, it'll, you know, it'll come to you. The, you know, you'll be able to edit later, whatever. But stop waiting for the universe to give you permission and start telling the universe, I'm going for it. What's gonna be in my way? What direction am I gonna have to take? And and that's it. And I know it sounds frou-frou, this and that. Trust me, you know, to some people it might, because it did for me for a long time. But that power of manifesting it, thinking about your goal. And if you don't know what your goal is, think about your purpose, your passion. If you're not sure what that is, what fucked you up as a kid, what do you not want to see in the universe, in the world anymore, and start fighting that, and that can turn into your passion, which can turn into opening the doors that you want. And that again, that's coming from my personal experience, but that would be it. Stop asked, stop waiting for permission. Stop waiting for someone to hand it to you. It's not gonna happen. You have to make it happen, and you have everything in you that you need to be it.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

Yeah, I love that. I hope everybody listening hears that and takes it to heart because I think so many of us are waiting on permission. We're waiting on permission from the spouse that says, Yeah, you can go ahead and do that, we'll figure it out together. Or we're waiting on permission from the family, or we're waiting on permit, and you said it best, the universe. Like we're waiting for some fairy godmother to float in. I always laugh that I want Glinda the Good Witch in pink, because I love that color, to float in in a bubble and fix everything. Um, but there's no such thing. And so if we spend our whole life with the shoulda, coulda, woulda, um, then we're gonna have a lot of regrets sitting on that deathbed. So I think that's brilliant advice. I love that. Um, the other point that you made that I wanted to make sure I pointed out is when you said, I'm not fuck, I'm not healed. Like I'm not fucking healed, but I'm still doing the work and I'm figuring it out as I go. And I think society these days, um, you know, you mentioned foo foo or woo-woo. And I think we have this idea that you go to therapy and you do the work and you're healed. And you're right, that is complete and total bullshit because you're healed today and then you're fucking triggered tomorrow. And so I think it's learning how to me, healing is not linear. You've got great days where you're thinking, man, I'm really doing well and I'm I'm feeling good and I'm totally in control of my emotional state and everything going on. And then the next day you're flat on the ass or flat on your face going, Well, holy shit, it's a new day. And so I think making sure that people remember one, there's no fairy godmother coming to save any of us with the permission slip. So just do what it is that you're looking at, making a change in. Jump off. I say all the time, sometimes the only available mode of transportation is a leap of faith. And, you know, if people look at you like you're nuts because you've decided to do this, and they look at me like I'm nuts because how in the world did you get from healthcare administration to podcasting and speaking out? Um, let them think we're nuts. But I agree with you. It's not the perfect person inside the perfect little box with the perfect life and the perfect everything that changes the world. It's the people that are willing to have the hard conversations and share the shit that other people aren't willing to share.

SPEAKER_02 37:15

Yeah, no, exactly. And um, you are your own fairy godmother. That's the cool part. It's not a fairy godmother that comes in. You are your own fairy godmother. You make your wishes come true. Like there's so much going on in your brain. Your brain views like there's studies that show no two people see the same, the same color the same, right? The color's a construct that you create in your head. And while that can be scary, that also means that you can view, you can change your reality, you can change uh the way that you look at the world and you can be happy. Happiness is a choice, yeah. You know, looking at things through rose-colored lenses, it might sound like it's what is that toxic positivity? Positivity. And I, you know, and I'm I'm I'm just saying that because uh it's a powerful thing. Like I have witnessed it in myself, coming from a non-believer, how powerful the brain is to shape your reality because it starts looking for these things. It's like if we're sitting by a street and I say, How many red cars just pass by? Well, fuck if I know, because your brain is filtering out like 99.99% of the shit you see. But if I say, Okay, for the next five minutes, we're gonna start seeing how many red cars pass by. And then you notice that's what your brain does. And if you're, you know, if it's on a negative constant loop, then you're like, okay, you're just looking for the bad, the bad, the bad, the bad.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

And you're gonna find it.

SPEAKER_02 38:31

You're gonna find it the other way around, too. If you're looking for reasons to that, this is my path, this is the good, this is what I'm grateful for. That's why practicing gratitude is so important. You start seeing more of it. Your brain starts recognizing more of it, and you have a better life. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

I love that. I think you had asked me recently on one of my posts, and you're like, what is it with you and the glimmers? Like, what is this about? And I shared with you, and it's along that same premise that I was like, I'm sick of driving down the street and seeing only concrete and only, you know, jackasses that should not have a driver's license. And, you know, all of the things that get us so frustrated. I was driving all of the time when I was still in my former role. It was out in horizon and I live on the west side. And so I spend an hour and a half in the car every day. And so I got really, I trained my brain to look for what I started calling glimmers. And so it was, you know, the cute puppy on, you know, walking with their owner, or, you know, the cactus growing out the side of a um gutter on someone's house. And it's this gigantic cactus that found a way to thrive in a gutter where we think everything that's trash goes in the gutter. Like it was those things. And so I don't share them every day like I used to, but when I do make my brain look for the glimmers, then you see the glimmers instead of the asshole in the lane next to you that has no business driving a vehicle. And I think you're right, it's those little changes that form the happiness that we're all looking for, but we have to go after it. We have to go looking for it, and that's how we find it. I love that. You have to choose it. Well, Ambert, I can't thank you enough for coming on today. Um, this has been a long time coming. We talked about it for a couple months. So thank you for being patient with me and thank you for coming on. Um, I can't wait to keep watching you continue to soar um in all of the things that you're doing and accomplishing and love the idea of collaborating. Um, but again, I can't thank you enough for coming on today.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

Well, thank you for having me on. It was a huge honor. Um, I'm glad to know someone like you. I've never met anyone like you, and I think people need to surround themselves more like peop with people like you. And if they can't in real life, then that's what this podcast does. It's you're surrounding yourself by women that are going to empower you mentally, physically, spiritually, and just keep surrounding yourself with that positivity and it's going to improve your life.

SPEAKER_01 40:54

I'm gonna keep trying, keep getting the message out and keep pushing forward because it's messages like this and conversations with people just like you that people walk away with their little nugget. And so I can't thank you enough for coming on. I look forward to continuing to work with you. And for everybody listening today, thank you for tuning in to another episode of Airing Out Your Vagina, where the truth comes first and comfort sometimes comes last. But if we're able to air it out, there's a path forward. So we'll see you all next week.