How I Actually Detached From Toxic Relationships

Everyone tells you to just move on. Nobody tells you how.

In this episode I share the exact process I used to detach from toxic relationships - including the tool that will make you laugh but actually works. The obsessive checking, the not blocking, the posting so they'd see your life - I've been there. And I built a system to get out of the loop.

If you've ever found yourself stuck in a pattern you couldn't break after someone hurt you - this one is for you.

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Transcript

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Welcome back to the role model you never had. I'm Jess, Trauma Informed Strength and Identity Coach, former crisis counselor, and the woman who rebuilt her body and her life from the ground up. Your body is the foundation of your healing. And today we're talking about something that I think is one of the hardest parts of leaving a toxic relationship. Detachment. Not the concept, the actual process. What it looked like when I couldn't do it, what I tried, what actually worked, and the very specific tools I developed that I still use today, including one that might make you laugh. Stay with me. I want to start by telling you what I was doing before I figured any of this out. Because naming that behavior is the first step to actually changing it. I was obsessively checking. Checking their social media, checking if they had viewed my stories, checking who they were spending time with. Not because it made me feel better, but because I couldn't stop. It was compulsive. So I wouldn't block them. I told myself it was because I didn't care enough to block them. Like, yeah, fucking right. Don't block them because it makes it seem like you don't care. And leaving them unblocked will hurt them because they'll see what they're finally missing out on. Yeah, that's bullshit. Blocking is the best thing that you can do. But back when I was struggling, blocking felt too final, so I couldn't do it. Some part of me wasn't ready for that to be final. And I see this with a lot of women I work with too. Enforcing that permanency is really hard, especially when you lack confidence in yourself. And if you're already lacking confidence and you get into a toxic relationship, that toxic relationship destroys your confidence even more, leaving you feeling worthless and causing you to seek validation. I've totally been there. And speaking of that validation, you might recognize this. I would post things hoping that they would see what I was doing with my life, hoping that yeah, they would realize what they lost. Hoping that they would see something that would finally cause some regret or change, or maybe an apology. And that kept me in a loop for years in some cases. Not because I still wanted them, but because my nervous system was still attached, still waiting for something that was never gonna come. And if any of that sounds familiar, you're not pathetic, you're not crazy, you're not weak, you're just human. And there is a way out of that loop, I promise you. Now, before I give you some of the tools that I use to detach from toxic relationships, we should talk about why detachment is so hard in the first place. Because understanding that process, it's gonna help you feel less shame about it. When you've been in a toxic relationship, especially one that involves manipulation, gaslighting, or intermittent reinforcement, if you don't know what that is, that involves sporadic bursts of kindness, love bombing, or really intense intimacy, followed by intermittency, which is long periods of coldness, criticism, or the silent treatment. When you're in that cycle, your nervous system gets wired to that person. The highs and the lows, the push-pull, the uncertainty, and all of that creates a neurological attachment that is genuinely difficult to break. And you might recognize this also as a trauma bond, especially if you were in a really abusive relationship. You may have heard that label before. That is not love, that is about wiring. Your brain learned to be hyper-vigilant around that person, and it learned to scan for their mood, their approval, their presence. And that scanning doesn't automatically stop when the relationship ends. So checking their social media, keeping them unblocked, posting for them to see. These are all your nervous system still running its old program, still looking for the signal it was trained to look for. Detachment is not a decision that you make once, it is an active practice. It is repeatedly choosing to interrupt that pattern until your nervous system learns a new one. Now let's talk about what I actually did. Because maybe you've seen terms like detachment on social media and a bunch of crazy strategies to try and actually do that. Some of this will be practical, some of it might sound silly to you, but all of it has worked for me. So the first step is removing the name. I deleted contact names from my phone. So instead of seeing their name when a message came up, I just saw a number. That sounds small, but I promise you it is not small. A name can be one of the most triggering things about a person. I personally could not see or hear my ex's names for years without feeling like I was gonna throw up. It carries the whole relationship with it. Every memory, every emotion, every moment. And it has more of an impact when the person has been extremely abusive. So just seeing it can send your nervous system into a stress response before you've even read the message. And honestly, this works outside of relationships too. I used to have an old boss who really did not care about her employees, and I had to have her name removed from my phone and on do not disturb because every time I would see her name, I would have a surge of anxiety, and yeah, I feel like I was gonna throw up. Just having a number in your phone has no emotional charge. It's just a number and it helps to create distance. Step two, put them on do not disturb and limit access. Like so with my old boss, I put her on do not disturb. With toxic relationships, I put them on do not disturb as well. So I did not think that every text message was potentially from them. I didn't have mini panic attacks every time my phone would vibrate or the text tone went off. Then I removed mutual friends from my social media, so their presence wasn't keeping me connected to information about the person I was trying to detach from. This isn't pettiness, this is nervous system hygiene. Because you cannot heal in the presence of the thing that wounded you. Every piece of information about that person is a trigger that pulls you back into that loop. Remove the access. Not just for yourself, but also so they can't see things about your life either. And step three, this one is honestly my favorite, and I joke about this with my friends all of the time, and I have gotten them on board with using this as well, especially when I'm having conversations with them about the things that have happened in my life. This one makes people laugh. And stay with me because yeah, it genuinely works. I gave the people who had caused significant damage in my life Harry Potter villain names. I have a Voldemort, a Draco Malfoy, a Snape, and a Slytherin. And it all started with my first abusive partner that I lived with years ago. This situation was so bad, it led my parents, who are divorced and don't get along in the slightest, sitting in the living room with me together while I had a mental breakdown about going back to my ex and trying to force me to take medication to calm down. That guy had done so much damage to me psychologically and emotionally that I needed something to help me detach and start healing. So I started with Voldemort. He who shall not be named. So yeah, when I'm talking about these people with my friends or in therapy or in my own journal, I use the Harry Potter names instead of their real names. The reason that this works is because their real names carried so much emotional weight. It was tied to memories and feelings, the version of myself that was hit hard in that relationship. But a nickname, especially a ridiculous one, creates psychological distance. It makes the person feel less powerful, less able to pull you back in. You can't take Draco Malfoy that seriously. And that's the point. It makes you laugh. And again, keeps you detached. Now, step four, I want you to ask yourself what this is giving you. Every time you find yourself checking their profile, replaying a conversation, keeping yourself connected in any way, I want you to ask yourself honestly, what is this giving me right now? Because there is always something that it's giving you. Whether it's the illusion of control, the hope that something will change, the familiar feeling of being connected to them even in pain. Validation because of feelings of unworthiness. Once you can sit there and name what this behavior is actually giving you, then you can ask a follow-up question. Can I give this to myself instead? Can I find control somewhere else? Can I find connection somewhere else? Like your friends? Can I find comfort in something else or somewhere else? How can I show myself love and compassion instead of relying on that person for validation? There is always another solution or another answer than being attached or involved with that toxic person. But you have to see the pattern first. It's going to require you to sit down and do a little bit of a deep dive into your own behavior. And if you don't want to do that yourself, you can do that with your therapist. This is also something I do with my clients one-to-one, helping them see these patterns so they can actually break them and supporting them through that process. And finally, step five, redirect to your body. This is one that changed everything for me. I invested in my health, my fitness, my nutrition. Not as a distraction, but as a form of reclamation. When you are in a toxic relationship or healing from one, your body's often the first thing that gets neglected. You stop sleeping properly, you stop eating properly, you stop moving. Because all of your energy is going into managing the chaos and just keeping you alive. Coming back to your body is coming back to yourself. Every workout, every meal, every morning you choose your routine over a spiral. That's what builds you into something that nobody can take away. That's what built me into somebody that nobody could ruin. Physically feeling good started to rebuild my confidence. And confidence made it easier to detach. Because I started to remember who the fuck I was before them. I started to feel like someone worth choosing. And when you feel like someone worth choosing, you stop waiting for the person who didn't choose you to come back because you realize they never deserved you in the first place. Now, being detached doesn't mean that you don't feel anything. What it actually looks like is this. Knowing so clearly who I am and what I deserve that someone else's behavior, even if it's painful, doesn't shake the foundation of who I am. That's what all of this builds towards. Not a life where nothing hurts, but a life where you trust yourself to handle whatever happens. And as usual, your homework this week is simple. Pick one thing. Delete a name from your phone, remove someone from your social media who's keeping you connected to a person you're trying to detach from, or just ask yourself, what is checking giving me right now? One thing. That's all. And if you want to go deeper on this work, the link to apply for my one on one coaching is in the show notes. And remember, every no to what drains you is a powerful yes to yourself. Your body is the foundation of your healing. I'll see you next episode.