I Am Not Broken

In Episode 3 of Choices, Nicole Mitchell’s story begins in survival mode: instability, addiction, foster care, abuse, and years of believing there was no good life available to her. But her story does not end there.

Nicole shares how healing began one step at a time, through faith, community, and people who helped her believe she was loved, valuable, and not broken. Her journey is a powerful reminder that trauma may shape the way we see ourselves, but it does not have to define who we become.

This conversation is honest, tender, and deeply hopeful. It speaks to the courage it takes to let people in, make different choices, and believe that pain does not get the final word.

Disclaimer: The content shared in this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. While Maggie Dunn is a licensed clinical professional, the conversations on this podcast are not intended to provide therapy, clinical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Listening to this podcast does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know needs mental health support, please seek guidance from a qualified professional in your area. If you are experiencing a crisis or emergency, call 911 or contact a local crisis support service immediately.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi, I'm Maggie, and I'm so glad you're here. This is the choice of you where trauma is. This is your honestly anyone who's walking alongside of you trauma. And you want real understanding at surface level easier. We're gonna talk honestly about trauma, what it does, and what actually helps. So let's walk into today's conversation.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

We just want to welcome you, Nicole Mitchell, to the Choices Podcast, where trauma and truth collide. Nicole, you are a mom. You are soon to be a grandma. You are an amazing advocate for kids who are walking a similar road that you walked. And I think you are someone who walks with the healing that the Lord afforded to you with open hands. And you offer that to so many different children that you choose to do life with. And it is remarkable. And I um I'm just grateful that the Lord allowed our paths to cross and a friendship to develop. Because although we work together, I appreciate the friendship even more. Me too. Yeah. So welcome. Thank you for having us to the Choices Podcast. So today we're gonna continue our conversation about um choices and identity and those kind of things. And while Garammy and I talk about these things, we wanted to bring someone on here who has walked such a beautiful journey of self-discovery and healing discovery and discovering your true identity in Christ and kind of what you had to wade through to get there. So I know you're a part of the team at House of Providence. Um let's start there. Um Hop has really been a part of your journey. Um maybe let's start talk, let's start there and share a little bit about that so people know maybe what has hop meant to you and being on the team.

SPEAKER_03 2:23

Oh, it's meant everything to me. I mean, I would even say like with the trauma that I've experienced, um, I would I didn't know why I went through everything I went through. And um, I was just sitting there thinking, like, in God's word he says, you know, like he doesn't let our pain go to waste, you know, he uses it for everything, you know, he uses it for good. And I remember just thinking about that, like when I came to know the Lord, that he uses my pain, he's gonna use my pain. And um with that being said, like I just I just remember I'm sorry, I'm so nervous. I'm sorry don't be, you don't sound nervous. You're okay. Um I just remember just reading the word, you know. I wasn't always a Christian, and just reading the word, you know, um God uses our pain.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

And um I bet you couldn't even imagine how that would be possible.

SPEAKER_03 3:16

No, because you had more pain than people would even read the I would read uh the stories about Joseph and how um Joseph, you know, a lot of things happened to him and how God used it to even free so many people, you know. And I'm like, God, how could you use that for me? You know, like me, you know, I'm nothing, you know. In that time I felt I was nothing. Yes, you know, um, and then I started to work at hop and it just started to unpack so much, like just loving on the girls and just having that opportunity to just even bring them healing, but also healed my my inner child. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

I remember watching that happen in real time at camp. We do a camp in the summer, really boutique camp experience for girls in foster care or who have experienced adoption. And I remember when you came as a counselor and just watching you experience camp.

SPEAKER_03 4:12

Yes, it was it was beautiful, like to be able to let one of the girls, you know, that wasn't feeling very confident in the experience, you know, she trusted me and she was able to break through some things, yeah, and it was just so beautiful. Yeah, so good.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

And you had never been to camp before. Oh, no, yeah, no, it was just beautiful, so good, so good. Um, so you have had quite a journey in life, and the one of the beautiful things, you're beautiful human, and one of the beautiful things about you is that you don't look like what you have been through.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

Thank the Lord.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

You don't. There's such a grace on your life, and you carry such a peace. Um, but let's dig into that a little bit today. Um, because you've had a journey that's not unlike some of these precious kids that we get to do life with and walk this journey with. So talk to us about little Nicole and what was your life like when you were very, very young before foster care. What was your life like?

SPEAKER_03 5:23

So my mom, she didn't have a support system, like she didn't have a mom, she was abandoned when she was very young. Okay. So she created a family, just you know, there was a lot of sleeping around. Yeah, there was four fathers, all different fathers. Um, my mom was a single mother, a lot of men in and out of the house, no stability. We were kind of just doing our own thing.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

And you remember it that way from a very young age.

SPEAKER_03 5:51

My mom was uh she was in crack, cocaine, and we would discover these things laying around the house and we would try to dispose of them thinking that that would stop her. Wow. But it it didn't. Yeah. Just like a lot of strange people coming in and out of the house. Um and just very unstabil unstable, you know.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

Um unstable in environmentally or unstable in having your needs met or everything, like everything.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

Just we would get evicted, our stuff would get thrown out, my mom would stay in the car and sleep in the car, and my siblings would go and stay at other houses. But I felt like a loyalty to my mother. So I couldn't go stay with my friends, you know. She gave me that choice. You were the oldest? I was the youngest. You were the youngest, and I refused to go stay with my my my friends. I wanted to make sure she was okay. It was like that loyalty that I had with her. It was it was at that time, it wasn't good, right? But that's all I knew.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:50

And I would say um survival mode. I was constantly in survival mode. Like my older siblings would I just even in Pontiac, I lived in Pontiac. Um, there was a little little Caesars in Pontiac, and my siblings would all order pizza, so much pizza, and um they would be standing outside of behind the building, and they would throw away the pizza, and they would gather all the pizza out of the dumpster and bring it home, and that's how we ate, you know. So she would my mother was just never really present. So we were just looking out for one another, you know.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

Looking back, you call it survival mode. Did you realize that's what it was then, or that your life was very different, or you didn't really have a grid for that?

SPEAKER_03 7:36

I didn't understand.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:38

Yeah, I didn't understand. And even just on my way here, you know, I just saw, you know, a homeless man um, you know, asking for money or whatever and it brought me back to my childhood. So certain memories bring it back to my childhood. And um, I remember my mother, like she was uh an addict, so she would have me outside and like bumming for quarters, saying I needed bread or milk, and that would be for her addiction. Right. And you know, there's a lot of like memories that how old were you when you would ask for quarters? I was probably six, seven.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

And you knew what the quarters were ultimately for.

SPEAKER_03 8:15

Sometimes she would let me keep a little bit for myself, but she would mostly, you know, yeah, use it for her addiction.

SPEAKER_02 8:22

Yeah. Addiction can be such a oh an insatiable beast. Yes. Yeah, in the lives of people we love. It's it can be so tough. Um you got a little bit older. And tell us where it kind of came to a critical mass for you. What happened? I know CPS got involved in those kinds of things.

SPEAKER_03 8:46

So my mother, she was a single, a single mom, so she was a target for you know men coming in and out of the house or whatnot. And there was this guy, um, he promised my brother like a to do paper out and make some extra money or whatnot. And um long story short, he started molesting my my brother. My mom was notified because we my older sibling found some pictures that were in the guy's car. And um, you know, my mom was notified she didn't take it to the authorities. Um instead she was collecting money to pay her bills and whatnot from that gentleman. From that guy, yeah. Um and so we were when we ended up finding out when they ended up finding out what was going on, they took us all to um children's village. They meaning CPS took us to children's village.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

How old were you?

SPEAKER_03 9:39

Eleven.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

Eleven. The youngest.

SPEAKER_03 9:42

The youngest.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

Tell us about that, what that was like getting brought to Children's Village. Did anyone explain to you?

SPEAKER_03 9:52

Well, I would say it was terrifying. Yeah. It was very terrifying. Um they took us all, put us in the car, and took us to Children's Village. Um it was very different. Like there was a lot of other kids there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

Um This was the shelter?

SPEAKER_03 10:09

It was a shelter, yeah. A portion of the children's village, yeah. It was a shelter. Um my two older siblings, they ended up fleeing and ran away. So they were runaways. And then me and my younger well, he's a year older than me, we stayed and then went to foster care, but it was it was a scary place.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Yeah, very difficult. How do you believe that those formative years being so tumultuous and you describe being in survival mode and then your mom's addiction becoming more and more insatiable? And she, for all intents and purposes, allowed your brother to be abused for financial gain, would you say that? Yes, yes. Yeah. Um how is that impacting who you believed Nicole to be? Or little were you Nikki? Nikki. Yeah. How did that impact your identity, Nicole, growing up and now I'm in a shelter?

SPEAKER_03 11:07

And I I think it I think it I think about this all often, but um it made me question like anyone was a little like anyone was up for grabs. Like we didn't have there was no value, like, you know, like if if someone offered the right amount or that right opportunity, any of us could be harmed, you know. My mom was not in the right mind place, you know, like she we were just all unsafe.

SPEAKER_02 11:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:38

Um and I feel like my identity was just like I hopelessness. It was just like I was just very hopeless. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

And it was what did that make you believe about the kind of life that was available to you?

SPEAKER_03 12:01

Oh, I didn't think that there was a good life available to me.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Why?

SPEAKER_03 12:06

Um, because my siblings were a mess, my mom was a mess. We didn't have anyone that was speaking positive into our life. We had no family. Um, it was just me, my siblings, and my mom, and we didn't know anything we didn't know anything good, you know. There was no one like pouring into us.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

Um, no options that you saw.

SPEAKER_03 12:25

Yeah, there was no options. So it was I mean, I remember when I went into the facility, there was this lady that wanted to adopt me. Um she was really she became close to me.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:36

And um I often used to think like after I left there, like what would it have been like for me if she would have, you know. If she would have.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Yeah. When you left there, were there multiple placements? Was it a one and done, pretty stable, unstable? Describe that for us. Um foster care for you.

SPEAKER_03 12:57

Well, when I left um the shelter care, I um went into uh what was it? I ended up going into foster care. I was in three different foster homes. Okay. Um I ended up getting out of foster care, not because my mom got her life together, but because one of my foster homes, father the father of the foster home, was very inappropriate with me and um sexually. Sexually, yeah. So and my brother caught it and um Wow. So we got ripped from that foster home. How old were you? I was twelve.

SPEAKER_02 13:31

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

So I got ripped from that foster home, and then they just brought us back to my mom. She and she wasn't ready for us. So she l they we got taken from my mom from an unsafe situation to get brought back into an unsafe situation to get brought back into an unsafe situation. Wow. So frying pan into the fire. Wow. So and she, you know, and then I got taken back, I take got taken away from my mom again, and then um because she didn't have a placement for us or whatnot, and then I went into children's village, and that was like nine different times from like in and out, in and out of the maximum security security, children's part.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

So is it safe to say you were consistently victimized through your childhood? Definitely, definitely. Like no matter where you ended up, the helpers ended up victimizing you in the home. You were victimi uh pardon me, victimized. So all of these places you went. Um how deeply does that get rooted in your soul?

SPEAKER_03 14:40

Oh wow, that's definitely yeah, very uh really rooted. Like I I never felt like there was anything good. Like there was no good, like, and if it felt good, it wasn't true.

SPEAKER_02 14:52

Yeah. So and how did that impact your life and the choices you made?

SPEAKER_03 15:00

The attachments were just I I couldn't attach. Like, you know, I just could not attach. So there was no relationships, you know, being made, you know, that were healthy, you know. And I kind of just didn't care. Yeah. I I developed this mindset of not caring. Like, um, if it was good, you know, I'm doing it. Yeah. You know, what do I have to lose? Yeah. It's my life is already a mess. So, you know, what is there to lose? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:27

And did you believe that there was goodness attainable for you or out there for you, or like this is my lot? No, I didn't. No.

SPEAKER_03 15:37

I I was hopeless. I I didn't feel like there was anything good for me.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Yeah. And we talk about this on the Choices podcast where that victimization that we go through really threatens to bully us for the rest of our life to say, you're a victim now. You'll never get out of this. This is who you are. This has now tainted your whole life. And it can paralyze the individual from believing, no, I don't want this life. I have choices, I'm picking something different. Yes. Maybe talk a little bit about how that impacted you. That I have when I realized that I had choices. Yeah. Or maybe when you realized believed you didn't, and how did it impact then until you realized you had choices?

SPEAKER_03 16:29

Okay. So after I got out of the um residentials and I became 18, um, I did start seeing some some signs and some similarities of me acting out like my mom. Okay. Um, and I wasn't aware when I was doing it. Okay. I I really wasn't. Yes. It was really terrifying. Like um being promiscuous and um just careless. Yeah. Just very careless. Um, and I just knew like after I had got I have I got pregnant, yeah. Um, I'm just like, wow, and I can't do this to my can't do this, you know. Like, I have to break this. This is this is not healthy. Um started going to church. Well, when I was pregnant, I started going to church. And um this lady, the pastor's wife, uh, she just really became so close to me. And she visited my house and um started to know my story. Nicole, you don't have a license. Nicole, you didn't finish college, you didn't finish high school. I'm like, no, I didn't. I was in and out of foster care, yeah, in and out of residentials. And that also impacted my identity. Like I felt like I wasn't good enough, and because I didn't I wasn't good enough, then I wouldn't provide a good life for my family. So I was hope, even it just added more hopelessness, you know.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

So And probably impacted your self-esteem. Yes. Of like, well, maybe I'm not smart. Well, that's not the same thing. Yes, you're brilliant.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

Thank you. Um, so she would come visit me and um she would find out that all these things that I kind of didn't complete. Yeah. And um she's like, Well, Nicole, we're gonna have to start somewhere. We're gonna we're gonna go get your license. So she came out and she would do Bible study with me for an hour and then a half hour, she would go take me, she'd take me in her car and we'd drive around Pontiac. I love this. And um we and she ended up taking the driver's test with me, like with the the road the road test. The road test with me. And she was like, I got you. And I just remember lit, you know, just the verse, um, I hold you with my righteous hand. And I just remember repeating that over and over and over in my head as I was doing, I was afraid, you know. Um, and I just kept quoting that verse. Um, and then she was like, Nicole, you know, now it's time to go back to school. And I went back to school.

SPEAKER_02 18:49

It's amazing. I was like, you know, I'm gonna slowly realized you had choices. Yes, yes, because someone introduced that to you.

SPEAKER_03 18:57

And I just it just started giving me a confidence in myself that you know I I could overcome these obstacles.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

Yeah, you know, so how old were you when you graduated from high school?

SPEAKER_03 19:08

Well, I was probably Xavier graduated from fifth grade. So I'm not sure what that was. I I was in my 30s.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 19:17

I was in my 30s.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

That's amazing. And it took someone to walk with you and say, Yes, you've been through this, and I have compassion and will walk through the healing of those wounds. But you also have choices and there's steps that you can take. Yes. Talk to me about when you feel like that light sort of went on for you, and when it shifted toward, I don't have to stay in this life of being a victim and no self-esteem and no choices to hold on a second. I can pick a different destiny for myself. Talk to me about was that shift slowly? Was it incremental little by little? Talk to me about that. I would say it was little by little. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 20:09

It was little by little. Um, I'm still discovering it. Yes. Still discovering it. And beautiful. Yes. Um, so when I started to gain this confidence and and, you know, starting to obtain like my driver's license and you know, going back to school and getting my high school diploma, um, I ended up getting, you know, I get got married, you know, had kids. Um my husband wasn't um he he was very controlling, didn't want me to work, didn't want me to, he didn't want me to pay bills, he kind of did everything for me. So I kind of felt like I left one institution and I went to another institution. Okay. And um after, you know, the divorce, because I, you know, had a divorce, um, I started to rediscover again who I was, apart from marriage, apart from that child, that you know, that small child of being traumatized, you know, I started to um I ended up getting a job. I ended up starting to build my credit, I started to um believe in myself, you know.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

Do you think that was maybe the first time ever in terms of you being not alone in the sense that you are alone, Nicole, but alone as an individual, saying, I can actually do this.

SPEAKER_03 21:43

Yes. Yeah. Yes. Wow. Going on trips by myself or you know, like it just it's it just feels so empowering.

SPEAKER_02 21:53

Yes, yeah. Talk to me about how your identity looks now. Wow. In contrast to what you've described.

SPEAKER_03 22:05

I would say like m I just know that I am like how I told you, like back in, you know, when I was struggling with my identity, you know, um, I used to always question, you know, like how could God use my pain? Yeah. You know, I believe that my pain has been my biggest motivator.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:26

Um, and now that I'm working at hop and serving the girls and loving the girls, it just truly just I just see it all shift together. Like it just feels like wow, like this is what I was created to do. Yes. This brings me complete freedom. Like it, this is what I was made for.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Yeah, yeah. Talk to me about describe your identity now. Well how would you describe it? What words would you use? The words I would use is because you said hopeless. Yes. And you know, all of those other things.

SPEAKER_03 23:01

I would say that I am so loved.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:04

I am complete. Yeah. I am valuable. Yes. I am a treasure.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

Um, I have a voice.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 23:15

I am um I'm not broken.

unknown 23:19

Right.

SPEAKER_03 23:20

My name means warrior.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 23:22

I never believed that for myself. But I am a warrior. Yes, you are. A overcomer.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

Yes. So good. So good. What we experience forms our identity. And it doesn't necessarily mean that that identity gets it right. But sometimes we take that in and we believe that. And to watch you extract yourself from those childhood inputs and seeds that were sown, and to say, wait a second, that is not who I am. That is not who the Lord says I am, has been remarkable to watch and to walk with you as a friend. What would you say you do differently now in your day-to-day life versus how you traverse life feeling like maybe I am less than others based on what I've gone through, or maybe maybe my childhood situation formed the correct identity, and now you know that's not true. Um how does that impact the choices you make now?

SPEAKER_03 24:48

I would say like to see my like the fruit of my labor, like that's that is the reward, and that is the proof. Yes, like that's a beautiful way to say it. And to see like my kids, you know, like I was able to like set a standard. Yes. Like my kids, you know, Xavier was the first one to graduate.

SPEAKER_02 25:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:13

And um, you know, Mariah, you know, I was actually the first one to graduate. Xavier was the first one to graduate um and go to college. Mariah was the second one. My and then um my kids didn't have to experience teen pregnancy and homelessness. And I was able to be a good mother even despite what I had, you know.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Yeah. So beautiful. I watch you um not just a House of Providence, but in so many different ways walk with young women, speak life into them. And it's a remarkable thing. But I wonder, because I think there's people out there in the podcast sphere who might think that there's a gross lack of compassion when you are saying to someone who's experienced trauma and someone who's experienced um maybe a journey similar to your own, when we're saying, but you still have choices. Speak into that. Do you what do you believe about that? Um, about slowly helping someone to realize you can choose different and you have choices. Talk to me about how that would impact you.

SPEAKER_03 26:45

I think it's just more of a mindset thing. I think that you are what you believe. So, like when you believe that you are broken and you're, you know, you're hopeless, you're gonna be stuck. Yes, you know, so it you have to choose to believe that there is more.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:02

There is more. And I believe that you have to build a circle to to support you in that, you know. Like, I didn't have that circle of supporters, yeah. But I ended up looking for it.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:14

And I ended up getting it, and they actually, when I felt low, they would pour into me, like, no, Nicole, we're not stuck. Yes. You know, we're we're not that, you know. You're an amazing, you're you're an overcomer and all these things, you know. Like, I believe that it you have to create a you have to create a a safe place.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

Yeah. You had to let people in, which is pushing away. That's not easy.

SPEAKER_03 27:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

And a lot of what we talk about on this podcast relates to trauma and attachment. And it's not easy to let people in. But I think just because it's not easy doesn't mean it's not possible or it's not worth it.

SPEAKER_03 27:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 27:58

How scary was it to let people in?

SPEAKER_03 28:01

Oh, very, very, very scary because I felt like being in residentials and being in foster care and stuff like that, it the attachments they don't last very long, you know, like you you have someone in your life and then they're gone the next, you know. Yeah. And you start to kind of like harden, you know. So almost prepare for it. Yes, yes, like, oh well, we should they'll be gone soon anyway, so don't get attached. Yeah. So I kind of carried that, you know, into my even adult years, you know. Yeah. Um, but I think that it's letting people in, it was so worth it, but it was so hard. Yeah. Um, and I also see the kids, you know, like where I'm at now, they do the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 28:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

And when I start seeing them pushing away, yeah, I just I wrap them up in my love. I'm just like, Oh no, no, no, no. I'm not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 28:49

I'm not going anywhere. Yeah. And you know how that feels, and so you know how to come straight in, and you do it in such a beautiful way.

SPEAKER_03 28:59

It's like I sense it. I can feel it, I can sense what they're doing. Yeah, yeah. I did that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:04

Been there, done that, so don't try it with me. Yes. Yeah. Your um the scripture that you mentioned, several of them, they resonate so much. I think of um that we also overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. And your life is such a beautiful testimony to so many. And I believe that when you are in heaven one day, you are gonna be shocked and blown away by how many people have overcome because of your generosity with your testimony. The Lord has been so generous with shedding his blood for us to be able to overcome, and you act like him because you're so generous with your testimony and all that the Lord has done for you. And I'm so grateful. I know that it's gonna be a blessing to so many. As we close, what would you say to encourage a family, maybe foster parents, maybe adoptive parents that are just struggling with a kiddo that does not want to let them in? How would you encourage that family? What would you say?

SPEAKER_03 30:32

Just keep loving them. Yeah, keep showing them commitment, yeah. Just keep pursuing them.

SPEAKER_02 30:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 30:40

Because at the end, it's so worth it.

SPEAKER_02 30:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:43

And they're sewing into someone's future.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 30:46

And another generation and another generation.

SPEAKER_02 30:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 30:50

And that was me.

SPEAKER_02 30:51

Yes. Thank you, Nicole. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 30:58

Well, that's it for today's episode of Choices for trauma and future alive. So take one small step in the direction. Doesn't have to be everything, but one small step in the right direction. And remember, you are not over here.