4.The Fear Isn't Going Away. What Brave Actually Feels Like During a Life Transition

Emotional Resilience

Courage was never about feeling ready. This episode is for anyone who has been waiting for the fear to go away before they make their move and the reframe that might finally get you unstuck.  I share my story of leaving Kentucky with no job waiting, a truck full of belongings, and a house that had not sold yet, and what that experience taught me about which fear actually matters.  

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Better Thinking Better Living.  A Life Transitions Podcast, hosted by Tonya Shankle. Follow the show so you don't miss what's next. 

This podcast is for educational and inspirational purposes only, not a substitute for therapy or professional mental health care. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello, and welcome back to Better Thinking, Better Living, the show for people navigating life transitions who want more clarity, more courage, and more of themselves. I'm your host, Tanya Shankel. Recently, I was asked to name the one thing preventing me from living my dream. So, of course, I did the usual thing that we all do. We run through a list of things. You know, if I had more money, if I had a better job, if I had uh lived in a different city, or had more connections, any of that. Then I realized that really the thing that was holding me back from living some of the things that I still have as goals was me, my thoughts and ultimately fears. And I will say, I want to say as I go through this, that I've had done some brave things. I've done many things in my life that I consider brave, and some people have told me they're brave. But as I've gotten older, I have noticed I'm sort of pulling back on that. Like there's a little more risk involved when you start getting older. So when you think about that thing, the thing you want to do, the change you keep circling back to, the life that feels just slightly out of reach, what's stopping you? And I'm going to guess that somewhere in your answer is fear as well, in some form. Maybe it's fear of failure, fear of what people will think, fear of making the wrong choice and blowing up something that's actually pretty good, fear of the unknown, which honestly might be the biggest one for most of us. Here's what I used to think about fear. I used to think that brave people just didn't feel it as much. Like courage was this thing that some people had that sort of insulated them from the full weight of being afraid. That the people who made the big moves, took the big leaps, built the lives that looked so intentional and alive, that they somehow had access to a version of this where the fear was quieter or not even existent. And as I got older and like I said, did some of these things, I realized that it's absolutely not true. Brave people are afraid. Often, maybe most of the time. The difference isn't that the fear goes away, the difference is something else entirely. And that's what we're going to talk about today. So I want to start with Georgia O'Keefe, because for me, she is very much part of this conversation. I think about hers when I think about fear and thinking about doing things anyway. So now I'm paraphrasing here because the exact wording varies depending on the source, but the spirit of what she said has always stayed with me. And that was that she was terrified most of her life, and it never stopped her. And I just love that so much. I love it because she's not saying she conquered fear. She's not saying she figured out some trick to make it smaller. She's saying it was there. It was real. And she just kept going her whole life. This woman who painted the desert, who moved to New Mexico alone, who lived on her own terms in a way that most people in her era couldn't even imagine, she was scared regularly. And she made her art and her life the way she needed it to be, anyway. So this way of thinking makes a difference. Because if you're waiting to feel unafraid before you make decisions or do something, you might be waiting a very long time. Or maybe you may never do it at all. So here's what I've come to understand about courage, and honestly, it took me a while to be able to define it. Brave people aren't less afraid. They're afraid of two things at once. And they've gotten clear on which fear is louder. Think about it this way. There's the fear of doing, making the move, taking the risk, stepping into the unknown. The fear is real. I'm not going to minimize it. It has teeth. It will show up at 2 a.m. and make a very convincing case for staying right where you are. But there's another fear, and this one's quieter, but it's persistent. It's the fear of never doing. The fear of looking back at your life and realizing you always played it safe. The fear of slowly becoming someone you didn't quite recognize because you kept choosing comfort over calling. Most people feel both of those fears. They just haven't named the second one yet. And here's what I want you to hear. Courage isn't about making the first fear go away. It's about getting honest about which fear you can actually live with. Which one, if it came true, would you be able to make peace with? And which one would follow you for the rest of your life? I don't want to criticize people who want a safer life or want to play it safe. I'm not trying to say that. If that is truly your choice and that is what makes you comfortable and makes you happy, then that's great. I'm not trying to say everyone's got to go, you know, jump off cliffs or out of airplanes or, you know, take big giant risks. I'm just saying it's good to be sit with this question. That's the question that changes your thinking. Now I want to tell you my story. So I want to tell you about leaving Kentucky because I think it illustrates this well, at least for my life and my perspective. At the point I decided to leave, and this was a few several years ago, I had a lot of things you're supposed to want. I owned a home, I had a job, I had gone back to school, and that was all being supported by my income and my stability. From the outside, it probably looked pretty solid, but I knew I had to go. I had reached this point where I just knew I was ready for something else, something more, and I started making plans. Now here's where it gets a little complicated and also a little funny in retrospect. I knew that if I put my house on the market, my boss would find out it was a small community. So I had to make a decision. I had to give notice for the job before the house actually sold, which meant before I had that money in hand, and I didn't have a job waiting for me in the new location. Nothing lined up, no offer, no promise, no safety net on that end. What I did have was a storage unit in my new city, a moving truck, and a plan to live off my medium savings while the house hopefully sold and I hopefully found something. So I want to explain this. I felt fear. Absolutely. There were moments in that process where I thought, what are you doing? This is insane. You have a house, you have a job, you have a plan that is working, technically, if you just stay. But every time I sat with that fear, I kept coming back to the same thing. If I don't go, I will regret this. And I might never leave. And that second fear, that fear of never leaving, was louder. It was louder than that mortgage fear, louder than the job fear, louder than what will people think fear. And so I loaded the truck. Not because I wasn't scared, because I was just more scared of the alternative. So here's what I want to offer you today. And I want to be really clear that this is not a worksheet. This is not a five-step plan. I'm not going to ask you to journal or make a pros and cons list or do anything that feels like homework. What I want you to do this week is find 30 minutes and just daydream. I know, you know, like we used to do in school when we got in trouble in class for spacing off. That's it. Find a quiet spot, put your phone down, maybe make yourself a cup of something good, and let yourself think about the life you actually want. Not the life that makes sense, not the life that would make everyone comfortable, the one you actually want. And don't write anything down yet. Just be with it. And here's what I know will happen if you do this, honestly. At some point, something will come up and you will feel a jolt, a little electric somewhere in your chest. It might be about a place or a kind of work or a relationship, or just a version of your days that looks completely different from what you have now. Or maybe just a little different, like maybe a hobby will come up, something that you think, well, you know, I wouldn't mind doing that all the time. I would really like to take that leap. Or a vacation or a job idea. When you feel that jolt, pay attention. That is not fantasy, that is not wishful thinking. This is information. Your brain and your body telling you something that your practical mind has probably been trying to talk you out of for a while. You don't have to do anything with it yet. You don't have to make a plan or tell anyone or start loading the truck. Just notice it. Just let yourself know what you actually want. That's where it starts every time. So here's what I want to leave you with today. You're not waiting to be unafraid. You're waiting to get clear on which fear is louder. The fear of doing or the fear of never doing. Remember, Georgia O'Keefe was afraid most of her life. She made her art anyway. She lived her life the way she wanted, anyway, because something else was there. You may already know what that something is for you. You may have felt that jolt. Maybe you've been talking yourself out of it. Thirty minutes, just you and your thoughts. See what comes up. Thank you for listening. Be sure to follow Better Thinking, Better Living on your favorite podcast player so you don't miss any future episodes. I'm so glad you're here. Until next time, keep thinking better, keep living better.