The Core of Good Communication

Mental GPS with Dr. Jana EP5

Communication can make or break your closest connections. Dr. Jana explores the common communication traps that drive people apart and explains how to regain closeness when things feel distant. Tune in to learn how to express your honest feelings in a way your partner can actually hear and accept. This episode serves as a powerful reminder that we only have control over our own words and actions. By changing your personal approach, you can create a safe space for genuine connection to return.

Key Takeaways

• Honest communication prevents negative assumptions in a relationship. 
• A successful conversation focuses on resolution instead of winning. 
• Gentle words keep the other person from becoming defensive.

Transcript

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Good day. This is Dr. Jana from drjana.com. Thank you for joining us today. Today we're going to start the process of talking about communication. Oh my goodness, this is such an in-depth discussion, and you're going to hear a lot about communication throughout this podcast. But I'm going to start with some basics today because what I have seen is that sometimes people are in a really close relationship, but things start going sideways, and they start going sideways because of the communication. And so one person says something that hurts the other person's feelings. The other person doesn't tell the first person that it hurt their feelings. And so now they're angry. So their communication gets more snarky and around and around it goes. And pretty soon you have a relationship that is not going well. And so I'm going to ask you to start to think about who is it in your life that you would like to be closer to? And then I want you to think about how you communicate with that person. And how do they communicate with you? Now, oh, and this is the hard part, you can't change them. There's no way to change other people. And I get it, it's frustrating. I was hoping when I got through my doctoral program that somebody, I don't know, would hand me like a magic wand and somehow I would be okay and I could help people change and everything would be all right. And unfortunately, I didn't get my damn wand. But I did over time begin to learn some things that work. And so that's what I'm going to start sharing with you today. One of the things that people often do is they don't tell people they love how they're really feeling. They say things like, I'm fine. Everything's fine. Yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I had a good day. Yeah, it's all right. And really, it wasn't all right, and they're not fine, and they don't feel good, and they're depressed, and they're anxious, and they're overwhelmed, but they don't want to talk about it because they're too overwhelmed to talk about it. So they use that I'm fine. Now, here's the problem with that. If you've been with a person for a long time, be it a friend, be it a fiance, be it a significant other, a spouse, they probably know by the tone of your voice that you're not fine. And so here's what happens is they know you're not fine. So then they start thinking about, well, I wonder if she's mad at me, or I wonder if he's mad at me. I wonder, I wonder if maybe, maybe they're seeing somebody else and they don't want me anywhere. I mean, the mind can spiral, and then they start to ruminate, and then they start to see things that aren't even there, and then they start bugging the person about the things they're ruminating about, and that drives the person farther away, and around and around it goes. Have you ever seen that? Hopefully you've never lived it, but you've probably seen it. So, what do you do to get out of that vortex? It really is kind of like a vortex, it just sucks you down into it, and then it's hard to get out of. And it's hard to see how to get out of that. Well, the first thing is to start working on yourself so that you are feeling better. Because a lot of times people, especially in long-term relationships, will say to me, Well, if only my wife or only my husband or only my significant other would do this, I would be fine. Yeah, but you don't have that kind of control. I'm sorry, and neither do I, damn it. But what do you have control over? You have control over control over your responses, control over what it is that you're saying. So think about when this started, what started it, and you may or may not know that, but kind of think back and go, okay, this it started to get bad when this happened, or it started to, I don't know, we started to distance when this happened and maybe kind of think about how you can begin to mend that fence. And sometimes it's just sitting down with the person when you're not mad, don't do this when you're mad. Sitting down with a person and just saying, you know, I really want to be closer to you. And I really, I really love you. And I just I notice that since X happened, we've been more distant. And I don't, I can't go back and change that, neither can you. But what can we do to move forward from there so that we get that closeness back? Because boy, do I miss that. Now notice that kind of verbiage versus you know when that happened, and then you stopped going out on date night with me, and then this happened, and then that happened, and you did this, and you did that, and da-da-da-da-da-da-da. How well is that gonna go? Here is the kicker for communication. You have to shift from winning to resolving. Are you having this discussion to get the problem solved? Or are you having this discussion to beat up on your partner? If you're having the discussion to beat up on your partner, stop. That's gonna make it worse. It's gonna separate you out more, it's not gonna shift him or her, it's just gonna make them mad and defensive. And I don't always do this well, folks. So I'm a work in progress just like everybody else. But if you can think about how I can word things so the other person can hear me. Not how do I want to word it and heck with them. Not if you want to be close to them. How can I word it so they can hear me? Because that is very different than just blurting out whatever you're thinking at the time. So think about sitting down and talking to those people you want that more close relationship. It could be a friend, could even be a teenage kid. It could be your husband or wife or significant other, could be even a colleague. Think about sitting down and talking to them and say, could you make a plan with me so we can figure out how to fix this? Because what happened happened, whether it was your fault or their fault or nobody's fault, it just happened. That doesn't matter now because you can't go back and change the past. How do you move forward? Always think in relationships, how do you move forward? But you also have to think about do I want this relationship? Is this relationship important to me? If the answer is yes, then clearly you want to confront. And when I say confront, I don't mean attack. That isn't what con confrontation means necessarily. Confront meaning sit down and talk it through. If you don't want to stay with that person, then why are you still there? Why are you still talking to this person? Why are you not moving on with life? That's your choice, you know. So nobody else's. I know people want to get involved in that and tell you what to do, but you're the one that can make that decision. If the relationship is not good for you and it's not healthy, then you need to ask yourself, why are you still there? Because especially if you have kids and you're raising them when you have an unhealthy relationship with your significant other, what you're teaching them is that that's that's okay to be in a very unhealthy relationship. So either fix the relationship or get out of the relationship. Maybe somebody stepped outside the relationship, and that's where the anger and the frustration and the bitterness comes from. I tell people all the time, if that person's apologized and tried to make changes, in other words, being more transparent about where they're at and and what they're doing, they don't need to keep apologizing. That's not going to fix it. My suggestion is if you're really stuck on that, maybe try some therapy for yourself and work through that hurt and that bitterness, work through it so that you can have a healthy relationship. If you can't work through it, if you can't get over the bitterness and the anger and the resentment, then you need to change relationships. Because it's not fair that you stay in a relationship and you're angry all the time with that other person who can't go back and change the past. They may very much want to, but they can't. We can't change the past. So you have a choice. You either let go or you move forward. And that's up to you. And I get sometimes you just can't get over it, and that's okay, but don't stay stuck. That's not good for you, and it's not good for them. Now, some some people may be going, wow, she just thinks everybody should get divorced. No, I don't think that. Please don't think that, because I think marriage is a wonderful thing. And I married, thank God, to my best friend and my partner for life. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But I've also seen people stay in very abusive relationships for the sake of the kids. And years ago I used to treat juveniles, and the adolescents would come into my office and say, I just wish mom and dad would get a divorce because I hate each other and I'm sick to death of hearing them yell at each other. You know, what are you teaching your kids? You need to think about your walk in life is your way of mentoring other people, including your children. So you need to think about that. But at the core foundation of communication, be nice. If you feel snarky, go write it out and burn it. Go write it out and put it away in your closet. Get it out of your system. Sometimes I'll drive around and I'll have the conversation I really want to have that is totally inappropriate until I get myself cooled down enough that I'm saying things like, you know what? I was wondering, right? Don't just leap in full of fire and then destroy anything in front of you. Because people remember that. And those scars run deep and it lasts forever. And you may have had that done to you as well. So think about how you can begin to shift those relationships you want. But start with honesty, but honesty in a way that they can hear it, that it doesn't feel like a major attack. Relationships are important. They really give our life meaning. And so treat them with care. I hope you have a wonderful day. You have the right to have a happy life, and you also have the right to have happy relationships. Take care, my friends.