You're Not Procrastinating — Your Nervous System Is

There's an email sitting in my inbox. I've opened it approximately a thousand times. And every time I close it without responding.

This episode is about that email — and what was actually going on underneath the avoidance. Because it wasn't really about finding the perfect words. It was about trying to control how the other person would react. And once I saw that, everything else started to make sense.

SuperKate breaks down the difference between overthinking a feeling and actually feeling it in your body — and why most of us have been confusing the two our entire lives. Plus the specific thing she did to finally send the email. It involved shaking her arms and legs and dancing around like a ridiculous human being.

Also: the Kardashians make an appearance.

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Written and performed by SuperKate
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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:03

Thank goodness there is no tracking app, at least that I can see, that tells me how many times I've opened that email. It's been sitting in my inbox for a few days now, and I keep opening it to finally answer it, but I let myself either get distracted or stare at it trying to find the perfect words. Because surely there's only one perfect way to answer this email. And if I was anything like the people I admire or follow on Instagram, I would have written the perfect response days ago. But despite all of the amazing stuff I've done, I'm clearly a terrible person for being unable to find the perfect words and for letting this go on for so long. Well, maybe if I answer some other emails, I'll find the inspiration to do this one. Or maybe if I switch my focus and work on another project, I can come back to this in an hour with a fresh outlook. At least these are the things I told myself, and I actually did. But no matter what I did, I avoided the email. Hi, I'm SuperKate. Welcome to connecting with Super Kate for women who have too many job titles, too many commitments, and are still determined to enjoy their lives anyway. Fast forward to any night that week, tossing and turning, unable to sleep, fluctuating between deciding on the best thing to say versus the litany of negative thoughts running through my head and my elevated heart rate emphasizing each one. I eventually realized it wasn't just about the perfect response. It was about what they thought of the response and about me. It was about anticipating their reaction, or rather, creating the circumstances that would result in the reaction I wanted. Because if they reacted the way I wanted, there would be no more worry about the situation. Everyone would feel okay. We could just move on. But whether we're willing to acknowledge it or not, we can't control other people's reactions. We can write the perfect email, and the other person could be distracted or having a bad day or react in a way that has nothing to do with how perfect our email was. It's not that we can't do hard things. It's that sometimes something simple causes us to overthink and ruminate. And the longer we stay in that overthinking and ruminating process, the more we begin to doubt our capabilities, the more we feel guilty about putting it off, which then just increases the overthinking and ruminating. And what I've discovered through my clients and myself is that most of this comes down to fear. Fear settles into the body in some of these ways being tense shoulders, uh an anxious feeling in the stomach, and shallow breaths. So what I do when I'm working with my clients, the first step is naming the thing they're running up against. Is it an email, a conversation, a behavior? And once we can name it, we can look at how the body feels about it. And I find that a lot of people get stuck in how they're thinking about the situation, but not how they're actually feeling about it. Or they state a thought in a feeling way. For example, I'm feeling worried. I feel as though they won't understand what I'm trying to say. And these are valid thoughts to have. And they're not tied to a feeling in the body. There's a difference between a thought about a feeling and an actual feeling in the body. And most of us have been confusing the two. So when I was in that email situation, my chest got tight. I started bouncing my knee from the rush of get the fuck out of here energy that was surging through my body. And my neck was getting tight from staring so intensely at the screen. Those are feelings in the body, not thoughts about feelings. So next time you're trying to write the perfect email and you're starting to worry about finding the words, pause. Feel what's happening in your body. Do you have butterflies in your stomach? Are your shoulders getting closer to your ears? Is your jaw locked? The first step is separating the thought from the feeling. Once you notice the feeling, take a few breaths into that part of your body. Or tighten that part of your body even more on an inhale and then release it on an exhale. This is a simple way of expanding and releasing when you don't have the option to move your body more. Now, I know you were waiting for a resolution on my email situation. Well, I set aside a specific time in my calendar to finally answer it. I felt the feelings my body was going through because of the fear. And so I started with shaking out my arms and legs as if I was shaking off the fear itself. And then I put on a fun song and moved around in ridiculous ways, reminding myself that I am human and that this doesn't have to be so serious. And I was able to navigate it because I know how to connect to my body. And here's what makes this kind of thing harder than it should be. I've had high expectations of myself because of the way I've pushed myself in the past. I've stage managed and performed in the same show, not just once, but multiple times in my life. So if a situation doesn't appear to be as impressive as some other stuff I've done, I can have really negative thoughts towards myself because of it. And I bet you've done that too. Or maybe you do the version where you compare yourself to someone else entirely. The Kardashians have built a multi-million dollar empire. They don't struggle with emails. Maybe you do both. Either way, this is part of how I work with my clients. I understand how things that appear small can trip us up. I help them feel what their bodies are trying to tell them and build a better relationship with those feelings. If this resonates and you're interested in coaching, book a free call with me. It's a chance to see if we're a good fit for each other. And I want to thank you for being here for this episode. If you enjoyed it, it would mean the world to me if you shared it with someone who needs this connection. And as always, I am grateful to connect with you.