When AA Isn't Enough: Finding Your Own Path to Sobriety

Host Cat York candidly shares her sobriety journey, describing early detox, repeated relapses, and the support and limitations she found in Alcoholics Anonymous.

She discusses challenges specific to women in recovery—difficulty finding sponsors, childcare barriers, and spiritual mismatch—and explains how she built a personalized recovery routine including meetings, church, meditation, and coaching.

This episode calls for compassion after relapse, broader conversations about alternative recovery paths, and acceptance that there is no single right way to stay sober.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Everyone, and thank you for joining me today. You are listening to the Call Her Cat podcast, and I'm Kat York. And as always, my mission is to try my best to hold a supportive, honest, and open space for everyone at every stage of their healing journey. I try to really dive into really candid discussions about healing, addiction, mental health, recovery, and the powerful work of breaking challenging family cycles. The conversations are built for anyone exploring sobriety or simply striving for self-empowerment and self-love. And today is going to be a soul episode. And I'm going to be talking about something that I have encountered along my sobriety journey. So I first tried to get sober when my son was about four years old. I entered detox. I was over 200 pounds. I was facing foreclosure, possibly losing my son. I was extremely unhealthy mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, all of it. And so I went to a detox because it is never safe, nor is it ever recommended to try to detox from alcohol alone. You can die from that. You can die from trying to detox from benzodiazepines like Xanax and Valium, um, as well as alcohol. So please don't ever try to detox by yourself. You need to be in a medical facility for that, so you don't die. So I'm in a detox, and really the only option that was presented to me to get and stay sober outside of detox was Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was desperate. My life was utter shit at that point. And so I said yes, absolutely. You know, I did the 90 meetings in 90 days. I got a sponsor, got all the literature, got a home group, you know, listened to speaker tapes, went to sober events, got phone numbers, I did all the things. And for a while, you know, I really felt good. I really felt good. I started getting my chips, you know, my 24-hour chip, my 30-day chip, my 90-day chip, two months, three months, four months. And I would the same thing would happen every single time. I would string together some time, I would relapse. And more often than not, I was I was met with sober shaming. Like I had done something wrong. I had failed because I wasn't able to stay sober. I wasn't working the steps right, I wasn't doing enough. And that did more harm to me than good. Because while I loved AA, I loved the people, I loved the community aspect of it. I did not like the fact that there was this view that AA was the only way. And let me be clear, AA has helped millions of people across the world. And it's been around for, you know, since like 1934, something like that. And it's done incredible work and continues to do incredible work and help so many people. And I still go to meetings, online meetings. I don't do the steps, I don't have a sponsor. It's just not something that resonates with me. And right now, as we speak, I have about five and a half years sober. And I've talked to a lot of people on my podcast and outside of my podcast who have expressed the same frustration with AA. You know, there was so much thrown at them, and every time they relapsed, they felt like a failure instead of being met with like love and support. It was, you know, you need to do this or you're gonna die. And I am not at all um canceling out how important it is and how life or death, addiction, and alcoholism can be. I've seen it, I've lived it. But I think to just come at someone so hard um can often have the opposite effect. They'll leave AA, and I've seen it. Unfortunately, AA has a very high relapse rate. And I think one of the reasons is simply because so much is thrown at the newcomer when they first come in. Our heads are not clear. You know, we're just trying to put one foot in front of the other. You know, it probably took all we had to get to that meeting that day to tie our shoes, you know. And so over time I backed away from AA. It just became simply too much. And, you know, today, while I still go to meetings online and I read the literature, I love the literature, I get the grapevine. Um, I don't do the steps, and I don't have a sponsor. Um, and my reason for not having a sponsor is especially being a female, it was very hard to find a female sponsor. I had more than one sponsor who would relapse, more than one sponsor who just decided life had happened and she couldn't help me anymore. I had one that did that around step four, which is the worst time to do that. I encountered a dozen women who said they had too many sponsees already. And that can be really, really defeating. And the suggestion given to me was just go to more meetings, keep talking to women. And to me, while I understand where it's coming from, that could seem like a lot of wasted time. You know, I mean, you're sitting down sharing some really intimate things with with people, with a woman or a man. And, you know, you want to make sure they're a good fit and to keep getting told no, no, no, or I have too many sponsees and just go to more meetings, fine. I I don't think that's the correct answer. Um, I've even been on online meetings where they would have monthly sponsorship meetings, there'd be like one woman there. You know, that's just not there, there's a severe lack of female sponsorship in the rooms. And I can't speak from the male perspective, but from the female perspective, it was certainly a challenge. So today, you know, I go to church, um, I have a spiritual relationship, I talk to God every day, I meditate, I exercise, um, I do the meetings, I read the literature, and I found something that works for me. And just like so many other people have found things that work for them outside of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't think that should be shamed. You know, I think we need to open up the conversation a little bit wider to allow for these conversations. You know, I've talked to several people who just did not find what they needed in the rooms, and they were not met with kindness or compassion or even questions. It was just, well, you're not doing it the right way. I'm sorry, but everybody's journey is their own. And we shouldn't judge. And what works for you may not work for me, and what works for me may not work for you. You know, and I think it gets especially difficult when you actually get to gain some sobriety and you have a family and you have a job and kids trying to juggle all that to get to meetings, only to finally get to one to be told you're not getting to enough, you need to make more, you're not doing enough. That will literally send someone right outside the rooms to not come back. Um, you know, and childcare was a big issue for me, too. You know, you shouldn't really be bringing children to AA meetings, and some meetings have daycares or women who will watch children. That's very rare, where at least where I am in the East Coast. So, you know, there are reasons people choose to not stay in AA or NA. And that's okay. As long as you're finding a path that works for you, you're not hurting anybody, you you're a productive member of society, and you're not struggling. I don't see what the problem is. Not everybody gravitates towards the spiritual side of AA, and that's okay. I don't think it's our job to force that on anybody. That has to be a very organic journey. And, you know, so often a lot of people come into the rooms with, you know, baggage from religious abuse, you know, they've um they've come from very strict Catholic homes, and you know, it takes a lot to undo that, and you just can't force it on somebody. That takes services outside of AA to get to that point. You know, it can take years. And so that person is sitting there struggling for for all those years because they can't reach this level of thinking that there's something outside of themselves spiritually. I think that's a bit much to put on somebody. Um, and so I think we really need to have these conversations with people who have had different journeys outside of AA. You know, I had a great, great guest. She was actually my first guest, Tony Will. And whenever she would relapse, she said she looked at it as a data point that she was able to sit back and like, okay, what happened? How did I get here? And she would have these conversations with herself and try to figure out where to go forward without shame or embarrassment or guilt. And I think we need to do that. Are relapses anything to screw around with? No, of course not. Of course they're not. But I think we need to have broader conversations around sobriety, around recovery, and the different ways people get sober. Because that's how I believe one of the ways we're truly going to help other people, more people, is if we take our foot off the gas saying AA is the only way. There is no one way. It's a way that has helped millions of people. Yes, but it is not the only way. And I think we need to really listen and have these conversations and look into other programs of recovery, you know, talk to life coaches or sobriety coaches, um, and other people who have good sobriety that aren't in the rooms. And that's my hope is to just open up um conversations. And if you have a sobriety journey that you want to that you want to share either on the show or just me personally, you disagree with me, you agree with me, that's fine. Feel free to email me um at callhercatpodcast.com. And I'm sorry, call her cat podcast at gmail.com. Sorry there. And just let me know what you think. Uh, the link to reach out will be in the show notes. And I'm just curious to know about other people's sobriety journeys, how you got sober, what worked for you, you what worked for you, if AA was part of your story, if it wasn't, um, challenges you faced. And these are just discussions that I think we need to open up a little bit more for young people and old people. Because, like I said, you know, the the AA literature, a lot of it was written in the 1930s and 40s. We're almost a hundred years removed from that, right? The world has changed drastically, and I think we need to change our conversation around sobriety. So let me know what you think. And um, as always, you know, you don't have to carry where you came from, keep telling your story however you tell it. Um, and I look forward to hearing from all of you, and I'll see you next time.