When They Weaponize Your Past"

This week, Nyomi's celebrating her mother's 75th birthday. Her mother is living with dementia—her memories are fading. But she's MORE herself now. Without the masks. Without the performance. Just HER.

The truth: You are not your past. You are who you ARE now. When people bring up your past to diminish you, control you, or justify mistreatment—that's not about YOU. That's about THEM. It's about their limitation.

In this powerful episode, Nyomi breaks down three real stories (Drake, a young lady in chat, and her own inbox) and teaches you how to recognize weaponization and set boundaries around it. You'll learn:

• Why people weaponize your past (it's about THEIR limitation, not your worth)
• What to do in 5 steps
• How to reclaim your truth

Your past doesn't define you. Their inability to see beyond it defines them.
Next Wednesday: Setting Boundaries (Action Wednesday with 5 exercises)
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Until Monday – keep choosing YOU.
This is your girl, the goddess Nyomi Banks. Stay in your season."

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Before we talk about when people weaponize your past, let me tell you what I've been witnessing with my mother. Well, this week we're celebrating her 75th birthday. All of her children, all of her grandchildren, and her great-grandchild. We are all here. The entire family. And my mother. She's living with dementia. Her memories are fading. Her past is literally leaving her. But you know what? She's ready to celebrate life every day. Every day. I'm seeing a version of my mother I never saw before. Without her mask on. Her real self. Not the version she thought she hid to be. Not the performance. Just her. And you know what? I love this version of her. I love this version of her even more. And that's what this one is about. You are not your past. You are who you are now. So when a mask come off, when the past loses its grip, what remains is your authentic self. And that's that is the power. Now, let me tell you what else happened recently. I watched social media. I watched social media tear apart a woman for something she did over 20 years ago. A young lady in our ex-Nyomi live chat stayed in a toxic relationship because she thought that her she deserved mistreatment because of her past. And someone tried to humble me by sending me a harsh email reminding me of my past. And I realized people are weaponizing you, your past against you, using it to diminish you, to justify mistreatment, and to keep you in your place. And I'm here to tell you that it's not about you, that it's about them. So when people can't see beyond who you were, that's their limitation, not your worth. So I want to welcome you to June. Welcome you to this new series. This month we are talking about being underestimated and unstoppable. We're talking about reframing the words that's used against you. So starting with this truth. You are not who you were. You are who you are and you're becoming. You see, my mother is showing me that every, every single day. So let me welcome you properly to this show. Welcome to the Season of Self-Love Podcast. I am your host, Naomi Bangsen. I am so glad that you are here. As we continue to transform in life, so does this podcast. In season five, we're moving differently. More intentional, more action, less learning, more doing, less waiting, and more living. This is a space where we don't just talk about self-love, we practice it. We don't just discuss transformation, we live it. Every episode is an invitation to do the work with me, not just listen to me talk about it. This podcast is brought to you by Ask Naomi and Elevate Me Self-Discovery, where we believe that loving yourself intentionally is a foundation of true transformation. So get ready. Get your journal, get European. Because in season five, we're doing the work together. Now let's get started. All right, my beautiful people. But before we dive in today's teaching, we're going to brown ourselves with the 60-second guided meditation. Alright? So today we are releasing those words and we are reclaiming our truth. So wherever you are right now, I want you to close your eyes if you can. And get comfortable and place one hand on your heart. And I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose. Now slowly release. And I want you to say quietly to yourself, I am not who I was. I am who I am. Inhale. Exhale. These words are about my past, not to find my present. Inhale. Exhale. I release their judgment. I reclaim my truth. Inhale. Exhale. I am worthy now. Not because of my past. Not in spite of my past. But because of who I am now. And say, I am reclaimed. I am unashamed. And I am unstoppable. And when you are ready, gently open your eyes. And let's begin. Alright, y'all. So let me go a little deeper into this and what I shared in the opening. All right. Well, this week my mother turned 75 and we're celebrating it big. Um, the whole family. Well, at least her her family, her, her immediate family, her children, my brother, my sister, their family. Um, my daughters are coming in, granddaughter. And so my mother, as I mentioned before, she has dementia, and her memories are fading. So day by day, pieces of her past are leaving. But here's what's profound. She's more herself now than I've ever seen her, without her mask, without the should be, without the performance of who she thought she should be. It's just her, raw, real, and present. And I'm not gonna even lie, I love this version of her. I love this version of her because her past doesn't define her, but her presence does. Even as her memories fast, who she is remains. And that's the teaching for me. That's something powerful about all of us. That we are not our past, that we are who we are right now, and right now, my mother is a living proof of that. So let's let's do the real talk right now. I'm gonna tell you what else happened in the past few weeks, and this is where realization of about my mother came at the exact time that I needed it. Because this past few weeks I kept seeing the opposite happening everywhere. People being defined by their past, trapped by their past, and weaponized by their past. So I want to tell you three stories. Three stories. A few weeks ago, Drake the Rapper came out with um three albums, three albums all in one day. And in one of the songs, he mentioned a woman from the adult industry, someone he slept with with over 20 years ago. Now, this woman, she's retired, she's been out of the industry for quite some time, and she's building her life, she's creating something new. And when she saw that her name was mentioned in this song, she posted something like, Wow, we're still talking about sleeping with me over 20 years ago. And y'all, social media lit her up. Lit her up. I mean, the comments were cruel, they were demeaning, they were degrading, and they were vicious. Yes, she was a sex worker, but she still deserves respect. She's not that person anymore. She's retired, she's building, she's becoming. But to them, to social media, to the people in the comments, she will always be who she was 20 years ago. That's their limitation, not hers. So let me tell you about story number two. A few weeks ago, we had a live show on Axe Niama Virginic App, and there was a young lady that came to the chat that shared something that actually kind of broke my heart a little bit. She said that she was seeing red flags in her relationship, big red flags, but she was ignoring them. And why? Why was she ignoring these red flags? It's because she thought that she deserved the mistreatment because of her past. She said, I was in the adult industry. And every time he gets mad at me, he brings up my past. So I thought I deserved it. She said, so I thought I deserved it. Y'all, she thought she deserved the mistreatment because of her past. She thought her past meant that she didn't deserve respect, that she didn't deserve love, that she didn't deserve better. And he knew it. He used it. He weaponized her past against her, every single argument. And then story three. This is my own, my own inbox, my own message. Heck out of email. Actually, it was multiple emails from someone who didn't have a continuous access to me. They couldn't get access to me. And who wanted more of my time, more of my attention, more of my energy that I can give. And when that person didn't get it, they lashed out. They lashed out with harsh emails, reminding me of my past, trying to humble me, trying to put me in my place. You see, they were using my past in the adult industry to diminish who I am now, to make me feel like I don't deserve respect. Like I should be very grateful that anyone pays attention to me at all. That's weaponizing, y'all. That's weaponizing. So I'm sitting here this week, and I'm watching my mother live fully in her now, despite of her past. And reading these comments about that woman, talking to that young lady in the chat, and reading these emails in my inbox. And I realized this is the pattern. This is the pattern. People weaponize your past. They weaponize your past. They use it to diminish you, to justify their mistreatment, to keep you in your place, to humble you, to make you feel like you don't deserve respect. And it's not just the adult industry, it is anyone with the past that society frowns upon. People in recovery from addiction, people with criminal backgrounds, people who made choices that society judges, and people who have had to survive in ways that society doesn't respect. Your past becomes a weapon in their hands. And they use it every time they want to hurt you, to control you, to diminish you. But here's what I realized this past week. Here's what I want you to understand as well that when people weaponize your past, it's not about you. It is not about you, it is about them. Let me say that again. When people can't see beyond who you were, that's their limitation. That's not your worth. That's not your worth. So when someone brings up your past, they're telling you that they're stuck there. They're stuck there. That they can't see your growth, they can't see your transformation, that they can't see who you are now. That's because they're stuck in who you were. I'm gonna say that again. They're stuck in who you were, and that's their limitation. You see, the woman from Drake's song, she moved on, she retired, and she's building, but they're still stuck 20 years ago. That's not about her, that's about them being unable to grow. So when someone weaponizes your past, they're telling you that they need you to stay small, they need you to feel unworthy, that they need you to feel ashamed, that they need you to feel like you don't deserve respect. Because if you stepped into your full power, because if you knew your full worth, that they couldn't control you anymore. Remember the young lady's partner that I talked about in the chat, who brings up her past every argument, that he needs her to feel unworthy. It's because she knew she deserved better, that she would leave. See, that that's not about our past, that's about his need to control, for control. You see, when someone reminds you of their past to humble you, they're telling you that they can't compete with who you are becoming, they can't compete with who you are becoming, they see your growth, they see your transformation, they see your power, and it threatens them. It threatens them. So they try to pull you back down by reminding you of who you were. The emails I got, they weren't about my past, they were not about my past, they were about someone who couldn't handle who I am now. That's not about me, that's about their ability inability to rise with me. Yes. So here's what I need you to understand today. I want you to hear the truth, and I pray that this truth will set you free. Your past does not define your worth. I'm gonna say it again. Your past does not define your worth, their inability to see beyond your past, it defines them. Not you, but them. So you are not the person you were 20 years ago, you are not the person that you were 10 years ago, you are not even the person that you were five years ago, you are not even the person that you were last year, because you have grown, you have transformed, and you have evolved. You are who you are now. You are who you are now, and who you are now is someone who has learned, who has healed, who has built, who has survived, who has transformed, and who has power. Who has power, and that is who you are. So when we bring, so when they bring your past, it doesn't change who you are. When they bring up your past, when they bring up your past, it doesn't change who you are. When they weaponize it, it doesn't diminish your worth. So when they use it to justify mistreatment, it doesn't mean you deserve mistreatment. You see, their words about your past say more about them than they do about you. They say, I'm stuck. I need you small girl, I need you small boy, because I can't compete with who you are becoming and see that's their limitation. That's not your worth. That is not your worth. So you don't owe them your past. You don't owe them your past. You do not owe anyone your past as a justification for your present. You don't have to explain it, you don't have to defend it, and you don't have to apologize for it. You see, your past is your story, your journey, and your survival, and you don't owe it to anyone as a weapon against you. You know. So now the question is what do what to do when they weaponize your past? So what do you do when they when someone weaponize your past? Well, here's the framework for you. Step one. I want you to recognize that it is not about you, that is about them. It's about them. That they're stuck, they need you to be small because they can't compete. It's about them. It's about them not being able to grow. And in step two, don't defend, don't defend your past, don't explain it, don't apologize for it. You don't owe them that. Your past is not up for debate. In step three, simply state your truth. Simply state, I am not that person anymore. I am who I am now. That's it. That's all they get. In step four, set the boundary. If they continue to weaponize your past, you say, if you can't see who I am now, you are not from me. And I am okay with that. That's the boundary. In step five, walk away. If they can't respond, respect that, if they keep bringing it up, walk away. Walk away. You see, people who weaponize your past, they don't deserve access to you, to you now, to your present, nor your future. And that's period. I want to go back to the young lady that was in our live chat for a second. Because when she Said, I thought I deserved it because of my past. Maybe no. No, you don't deserve mistreatment because of your past. You don't deserve disrespect because of your past. You don't deserve a partner who weaponizes your past at every argument. You deserve respect. You deserve love. You deserve partnership and support right now. Not because you earned it by having a perfect past, but because you are human. Because you are human and being with worth. That's why you are a human being with worth. Your past doesn't change that. And if anyone can see that, if someone uses your past to justify mistreatment, then they are not your person. So walk away. Walk away. All right. So now the woman from the Drake song. I see you. I see you building. I see you transforming. I see you becoming. And I'm so sorry that social media can't see beyond 20 years ago. That's their limitation. That's not your worth. You don't owe them an explanation. You don't owe them your shame. You don't owe them anything. You are who you are now. You are who you are now. And that's enough. That is enough. So right now I have some closing reflections questions for you all that's listening right now. So question one. When has someone weaponized my past against me? And how did it make me feel? That's the first reflection question for this week. And the second one is was that about me or about their limitation? And the third question, what do I need to tell myself when someone brings up my past? Question four, who in my life can see beyond my past? And do they deserve access to my present? And five, what boundary do I need to set around my past? Those are the five reflection questions for this week, all right? All right, y'all. So here's our closing affirmation for this Monday morning. And I want you to repeat after me. I am not who I was. I am who I am now. Their words about my past do not define my present. I release their judgment. I reclaim my truth. I am worthy now. Not because of my past, not despite of my past, but because who I am now. And I am reclaimed. I am unashamed. And I am unstoppable. Well, all right, my beautiful people, this week is about recognizing. Recognizing when your past is being weaponized and understanding that it's not about you, that it's about them. You see, my mother's showing me every day your past doesn't define you. Even when it's literally leaving you, you are still you. Maybe even more authentically you. So on Action Wednesday, we are going to do the work. We are going to identify where your past has been weaponized and where we're going to set boundaries around it. Because you don't owe anyone your past as a weapon against yourself. All right, my beautiful people. So until Wednesday, this is your girlie Goddess Nambi Banks, reminding you when they can't see you beyond your past, that's their limitation. That's not your work. So I want you to be good to one another in yourselves and always keep it sexy. Again, love yourself first so you can love others well. And remember to watch us on The Season of Suffolk Love on our YouTube now and subscribe to the channel for videos, episodes, behind the screen, content, and more. Again, that's youtube.com at the season of self love. Um you can find a link in our bio on Instagram at SelfSuff. Again, have an amazing, amazing day. Have a good one.

SPEAKER_00 27:38

The Season of Self Love is brought to you by Ask Naomi and Elevate Me Self Discovery. Don't just listen. Do the work, transform your life. For more, visit AskNayomi.com or follow us on Instagram at the Season of Self Love Podcast.