Episode 4: When the Unexpected Happens

In this episode of Stronger Than the Shift, I sit down with Kelsey to talk about navigating one of the hardest seasons of her life - the unexpected diagnosis that changed everything for her and her husband. 

Kelsey shares what it’s like to support a first responder through a serious health challenge, while also learning how to care for herself in the middle of uncertainty. She opens up about the importance of communication, the power of finding community within her department, and the reminder that spouses need support too. 

This conversation is about more than hardship - it’s about resilience, asking for help, leaning on the people around you, and finding strength when life doesn’t go according to plan. 

If you’ve ever found yourself in a season where you’re pouring everything you have into the people you love and wondering where you fit in the process, this episode is for you. 

In this episode we discuss: 

• Growing up in a first responder family
• Leaving family and friends
• Supporting a spouse through medical crisis
• Learning to support yourself while supporting others
• Finding strength through the fire department community

Thank you for listening to Stronger Than the Shift. If this episode resonated with you, please follow the show, leave a review, and share it with another first responder spouse who could use the reminder they are not alone. 

🎙️ Stronger Than the Shift is hosted by Emily, from Coffee Calls & Carseats, and created for the spouses who love someone who serves.

If this episode resonates with you, share it with another fire wife who needs the reminder that she’s not alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey friends, and welcome to Stronger Than the Shift. I'm so glad you're here. If you're married to a firefighter, a first responder, or really anyone whose career means missed holidays, sleepless nights, solo parenting, and learning to carry more than you ever expected, you're in the right place. I'm your host, Emily, and every week we'll have honest conversations about the realities of what this life looks like. The good, the hard, and everything in between. We'll talk about marriage, motherhood, mental health, resilience, finding ourselves outside of the job, and hear stories from spouses who truly understand what this life looks like. My hope is that when you finish each episode, you'll feel a little less alone, a little more understood, and a little stronger than the shift. So grab your coffee, fold that never-ending load of laundry, take me along on your walk, or listen in the school pickup line. However, you found me today, I'm grateful you're here. Now, let's check out today's episode. All right, welcome everybody. Today's guest has experienced both the unique challenges of being married to a firefighter and something no family ever expects to hear: a brain tumor diagnosis. So, together today, we'll talk about what happens when your biggest support system is also the person who's suddenly fighting for their own health, how communication, community, and unexpected kindness can carry you through impossible seasons. So we'll jump into it. We'll of course hear about your husband because that is that's a huge thing that you guys went through. But tell me about you and about your relationship a little bit. You guys met online?

SPEAKER_00 1:37

We did, we did actually. Um, we met uh it's going on four years ago, and he actually we met, he was working down in San Diego at the time, and I lived about an hour north of that. And uh then once we started talking, he told me they lived about he lived about three hours away, and it's like, well, okay. But because of shift work and as like a saying note, we were able to, you know, slowly connect in that in that way where he would it would be like okay, I'm gonna be working these days, but then I can come visit the after shift and then vice versa. So eventually made it work, and yeah, so that was uh a unique experience initially. Um, I have uh one younger brother, and we grew up as a first responder family. Both both my parents uh are first responders. My dad uh retired retired fire captain, and my mom is still actually currently working as a flight nurse. So, needless to say, our conversations at the dinner table were always very interesting. Um, you know, as they uh recalled their calls and kind of you know coping mechanisms as a family, and you know, and grateful, or uh, you know, we've talked now, and and they as themselves were able to really lean on each other. And that has I really taken that with now my husband and I's relationship. And so I'm I'm also grateful that we have and had them as a resource to go to, as not only being a first responder family, as seeing, you know, you know, my dad would go on strike teams and what like you know, that it was always uh a little bit of a challenge, you know, because it's like, oh, dad can't go on vacation now because he's gotta go go back to work. And so it was a bummer. But now, as the wife in that situation, getting that same phone call is certainly a little more uh challenging at times.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

What was that like growing up with two first responders as parents? I can only imagine the dinner table. I know my husband will sit with me and he'll try to fill me in on what happened on his shift, and he's trying to like piece things together without being like too graphic or you know explicit and stuff. So it's all kid friendly. But I am I can't imagine that whole conversation being that because I'm sure they're both trying to like share their story and commiserate and they're trying to, you know, relate to each other while trying to make it kid friendly.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Yeah, I'm sure that was a challenge. Um, you know, I I feel like they had kind of a debrief when they initially would get home and then it would come back, you know, at the dinner table and as it said, make it a little more kid friendly. But there were definitely times I learned a lot of uh a lot in that time frame. It's just like, you know, holy cow. But um yeah, it was it was it had its challenges, you know, in the fact of because they both worked shift work and they both were on, you know, kind of the front lines, you know, holidays were a little bit different in the fact that, you know, we didn't have, you know, sometimes or some years we didn't have Christmas at Christmas, um, or birthdays on birth, you know, on the actual day. And but, you know, they also did a great job of it's like, okay, yeah, we're not gonna, you know, the 25th of December, but you know what? We're both off that week before Christmas is just a little bit early. And of course, as a kid, you're like, heck yeah, this is great. But um, or it's yeah, we're having uh Easter at dad's station, you know, they and he was he worked at a department that was super supportive in family, and so it was uh always uh it was not an uncommon situation to have uh family dinners, especially on holidays, but even just on weekends, it would be like, yeah, hey, everybody's got their you know, wives and kids or you know, family and kids, and they're all gonna hang out at the fire station. So I basically I joke, it's just like I I grew up at the station, especially it because not only was a little bit I think the drive was a little bit easier to to make, but um, you know, as far as going to my dad's, but uh just in general, it was a very family-friendly situation. And yeah, I just had a I had a bunch of cool uncles and sometimes grumpy uncles. You know, it was but it was it was a fantastic uh you know time to or to grow up with.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Do you think, well, first of all, did your parents work opposing schedules or how did their shifts coincide?

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Because uh they did occasionally, um, but there was a lot of, you know, they and they did they tried to said you uh offset each other. Um, but there were times you know, a lot of times where it was, you know, we had other family members, you know, grandma, grandmas, grandparents, and whatnot that would, you know, were able to uh kind of pick up the slack in between those times. And I think, you know, uh when we were younger, it was certainly a lot. Uh they they worked really hard at making sure that at least one of them were were home for us uh on a on a day-to-day basis, which was you know great. But as we got a little older, a little more independent, it was just like we're gonna have grandma make sure you guys don't burn the house down. But we gotta go, you know, we gotta go to work. That's fair. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

Do you feel like you understood the lifestyle when your was he boyfriend, husband? Because he was already working in the fire, the fire department when you guys got together.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Yes, yeah. And that's and that's actually what he says is one of my kind of uh when we initially started talking, that was one of my points. Uh that he says he's like, Because once I found out that your your parents both were first responders and you understood that that that was a big thing for him because while he had been working and and dating before me, he said that was a a challenge, uh challenging aspect of dating. He's like, because you know, you do have those those people that you know get kind of caught up in that romantic rant romanticization of the fire service. And oh, I'm dating a fireman, but they don't really appreciate when you're gone. You know, he works three days, he works for three days and he's off for four. Or he said he sent on a strike team and you don't see him for two weeks. You know, that was uh a challenging aspect, he said, for him. And yeah, don't get me wrong, it's still a challenge for me at times, you know, especially um, you know, when we have, and it's always, as I'm sure you know, it's always when you have plans, is when, of course, it's like, oh, we've got the camping trip or we've got the this or that, and it's oh yeah, well, I'm getting sent to Tim Buck too. And you're like, okay, well, fair enough. But um, you know, as I'm sure he will attest to, there's there's definitely, I'm sure there's times where he has called and he hasn't exactly gotten that that warm response that maybe he was looking for. But I also am grateful for as I give a test to my mom, who has really taught me to. She's like, Yeah, you can be like, okay, fair enough. And she's like, and you can get off the phone and be madder than a mad dog, but you have to at least portray that support. And then she's like, you know what? It's okay to be upset for a minute, and then you just like fair enough. And then you get up, you have to pick up and move on. And and I've really tried to uh do that.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

I would that resonates so hard right now. We were on our way, we just came from a department uh union picnic, and on the way up there, my husband's like, Hey, there's there's overtime tonight. He's like, I never pick up overtime, I could pick up overtime. And in my I had to watch my face because my face is loud. And all I'm thinking is I didn't go to bed until after 3 a.m. Because the kids kept me up and I woke up at 7 15 to a buck naked boy running around telling me he went to bed. I'm like, the last thing I want for him to do is to be gone another night on his one in-between off night. But I'm sitting there and I'm like, okay, realistically, he's not going until like eight o'clock. They're already on their way into bed at that point. None of the kids want anything to do with him at bedtime. Really, what is it? What's the impact here? And I was kind of laughing as you're saying that, especially about the romanticizing the fire department, because that is so true. Nobody who romanticizes the fire department has ever smelled turnout gear. I think it has to smell turnout gear, especially after like a structure fire. There's there is no smell like it and it doesn't go away.

SPEAKER_02 10:13

So it permeates everything.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

It permeates everything. So you have a lot of background information, a lot of you know, tips and tricks that you can kind of take from your own childhood. What surprised you any without or with all of this? What surprised you anyway?

SPEAKER_00 10:30

I think just the fact of having, you know, that still with with even still having a an amazing support system, how tough and lonely those days and nights can still be. And I, you know, we're we're wanting children, but I don't eat, I don't have children yet. And I so I can still I can imagine that even being even more challenging, especially when it's like, well, where's daddy? Where you know, we haven't seen dad or mom or you know, we haven't seen our that parent in a couple of days and explaining that to them. It's just like, oh they're they're just yeah, they're working. Um, so and but while also keeping it together for yourself. And I think that's the the thing that still surprises me. And that's why, like I said, it it was one thing, you know, I I had an understanding of a, but you know, when dad's gone, you're like, okay, yeah, it's it's different than having your partner not be there and and not be there for support, and also challenging things. Like I last year he was on um uh strike team, and uh, we had lost one of our family pets. Um, he passed away. And dealing with that, which you know, anytime any loss or any time stressful situation, you you want your your person there to help you work through whatever situation it is, and not have them and not even, you know, he tried to be as supportive as he could, but he also has, you know, he's working, he's on the line, you know, they're gone for 24 hours, you know. At the time they were out basically out in the middle of nowhere for 24 hours. And so he, you know, they try their best to do what they can, but you know, through the phone sometimes isn't always what you want or need. And I think that's the biggest thing that I've you know, still trying to to kind of find that that way to work through, I guess you can say, lack of a better word. And um yeah, I think that's just that's the the challenge of of but also like I said, finding that support system that you do have is uh the lifesaver because in whatever it may be, friends, other family members, so on and so forth, having just at least one person you can still lean on is I think the the biggest uh help with with all of that. Staying busy is also going to be your kind of your best friend in that aspect of just it's like, you know, with work, with kids, with this, with that, you know, I I do think that that is uh a lifesaver because you said with kids, I'm curious that you're having getting touched all the time, you're like, ah, don't touch me, leave me alone. And you you just want that like couple minutes of of peace and quiet. And um, so I I can understand, you know, I I see I see that. Um, but yeah, and you know, even on my aspect, like, and I always laugh. It's like the first day that he goes, that's like my me time. You know, I go to work, but then I can come home, make whatever I want, watch whatever I want in TV, which it's not like I can't do anyway, but it's just nice to not have that other that that input.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

Nobody's judging your romantic comedy that you're putting on the TV or your snack board that you're making for dinner. Nobody's questioning any of that.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Exactly. Yeah. Me and the pug can just watch our TV and eat our mac and cheese and everything's fine. And then, you know, the second day it's like, okay, I can clean and I can clean the house without having, you know, as as much as he offers to to help, quote, and quote. Sometimes it's just nice to have just be able to clean the house and not again have that distraction or have that um other person there. Um, so yeah, I think this being busy, and that's what I tell you, my girlfriends that are like, I don't understand how you can do this. You know, you how can you have your your your your person be gone all the time? And it's just like, like, yeah, you you you if you dwell on it, it's one thing, but you know, you just you just stay busy and do your thing. And and it's kind of nice because then when you do kind of have those moments of frustration with your partner, and then I lack of a better word, frustration, but sometimes it's just nice to just do your own thing, and then they come back and you're like, hey, I'm happy to see you again. Let's let's uh enjoy our time, you know, what we can.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

So that await time is especially welcome after like an argument. You're sitting there and you're like, I'm ready for you to be gone for about 24 hours so I can sit and think and mold this over and not be so annoyed with you when you come home.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Exactly. And that's and that was something that even my mom said. She's like, it can work in your favor in the fact that they are gone for days at a time. She's like, because of the fact that you said you can just kind of do do your thing.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Decompression time.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

Your relationship has gone pretty quickly from the get-go because you said you guys met online, and what was that like after you met? Did you immediately kind of jump serious? How did that how did your relationship kind of play out?

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Yeah, so we we did, we moved pretty fast, which I you know may or may not recommend for for other people, but um, yeah, we we started, we met online, and kind of the joke, the running joke is now that you know he was kind of the one that played a little bit harder to get. He was in a little harder, you know, he had just gotten out of a pretty tough time. And so he's like, I really liked you, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to commit into a relationship. So he would kind of go in and out of my life. And I I got to the point, but I had always had this feeling that it's just like, you know what? I I think that there's something here. So I would always just be there. And I don't recommend, you know, being kind of the the crazy stalker person. But I I would always I'd give him space, but then there was always just like send him a text, like, hey, how you doing? Like, let's let's meet up. And we would go back and forth. We did that for a couple months, and then he at the time was working as a seasonal uh firefighter. So he worked uh, what is it, like six months on and then a three months off or nine months, three months, something like that, where he had three months off. And he was like, Well, I'm coming to my off time. He's like, I'm gonna have to be living. He's like, I'm up in he lived in Ventura at the time, which is about a three and a half, four hour drive from where I was. And um he said, So, you know, I don't know if this is gonna work. He's like, because long, you know, kind of semi-long distance. He's like, I don't really want that. And I can't afford to be driving down here every weekend. And I couldn't really either. I was a uh vet tech at the time and you know, wasn't wasn't making a lot of money. Um, so I was like, okay. I'm like, well, and my dad had been retired at that time for a couple of years, but he's been doing construction. He'd always done construction kind of on the side, but he's now he's that's like his his next little baby. And I was like, well, my dad, and I'd spoken to him spoken to my dad before. I was like, hey, I've been dating this guy. I'm like, he says he's handy. Do you you say that you need some help? He's like, would you should I, you know, should we try and kind of rearrange this? And he's like, yeah, sure, what the heck? And so I spoke to him, I'm like, my dad needs help. I'm like, so ta-da, you have a job. I can get you a job if you want a job. And then um, but we have to, you know, to live down here. So he moved, long story short, he moved in with me about uh three months into us dating, which I can don't necessarily recommend. But so far it's worked for us. And it definitely, don't get me wrong though, when we did he move in, there were some, you know, those uh new challenges, you know, we we definitely had some bumpy roads, but it also was a little bit of a test because I knew my dad, you know, he's he's a great man, but I knew that he was gonna kind of run him through the ringer a little bit until like the first day that they worked together. I was like, so how did it go? I'm like, is this guy decent or should I kick him to the curb? And he's just like, no, he's like he's a hard worker and so on and so forth. I'm like, okay, fair enough. And you know, they actually, I think it worked out because they have now, they've built such a great relationship, and that was always something super important to me was to have my partner, you know, I'm really close with my family, so I wanted my partner to be also, you know, they didn't, I wasn't expecting them to be best friends, but I definitely wanted, you know, it's like, hey, we're gonna go to my parents for dinner tonight and not be uh an ordeal because I've had people, you know, I've dated people in the past that weren't, you know, it's like, oh, you're always with your family. And it's like, well, yeah, I mean, I yeah, I love them. They're my family. And so I didn't want to be around. Yeah, I didn't want to go down that road again. So I wanted to find out early if this was gonna be that situation again. And and no, and and like I said, now the joke is it's like he'll my dad'll call uh my husband before he'll even call, you know, they'll sit on the phone for 20 minutes or an hour together and just talk. And I'm like, hey, your your daughter's here too, you know. But it's great, and I I love it. But like I said, they they definitely we we moved fast. Um, and then uh we got engaged that next year. We were dating about a year, we got engaged, and then we got we're engaged for about a year, and then we got married period this last December, and then uh uh February of this year, it's it's been uh uh another whirlwind of uh life challenge.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

So I have a lot of questions about that particular life challenge, but I'll ask first before because I feel like we'll be talking about that for a minute because it's very significant. During those early times of your relationship, it was from the time you started dating to when you got married, it was like around three years, it sounds like two and three years. Yeah. And he was working hand crew.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

Uh yeah, so he worked hand crew for that first two, yeah, two and a half years. And then here just uh last year he got we got promoted or he he got promoted to engineer.

SPEAKER_01 20:39

So uh and we had to move what is hand crew because my husband's department doesn't use that term, so I have no idea what that means.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

Yeah, so hand crew is a group of fire, they um at least my husband's department is a firefighter ones, so they're kind of it's the entry, kind of an entry-level position. Though there's a crew of 15 people with um usually an engineer and a captain, and they're the ones that travel in those, those, you see those buses. Um yeah, and so they are kind of the front line of, or as he calls them, aggressive landscapers, um, the front line of those those wild vampires that uh will will come up. And like I said, in California, we we certainly have uh quite a few throughout the year. Um, but they're they're the ones that are are kind of boots on the ground, going up those trains. They're little like mountain goats that uh will go through places that not necessarily like a structure, like a uh another type of crew will go on like a structure fire or like a home or residential fire. They are uh primarily a wildland based, I mean they'll protect structures, but they're uh primarily a wildland based uh type of crew. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

See, my husband, we don't really have a lot of like wildfire type situations, which is probably why I've never heard that. Term because that's yeah, that's a whole different ballpark. Like that requires a whole different set of skills. But you said he's recently been promoted to engineer.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Yes. Yes. So he's now engineer at a um, I think at their uh one engine house. They still are primarily on the wildland side, but with uh the ability for um like structure protection.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Okay. So how did that promotion change things for you and for him?

SPEAKER_00 22:33

It changed, it certainly changed things in the fact that he, because he had always been on the wildland or the like hand crew side of things, not really a lot of engine time. And at least what he's telling me, it kind of is like apples and oranges in the fact of what is expected of them. And not only having a putting be put into more of a leadership role, which I feel like any of us you know have kind of that imposter syndrome of us, you know, not thinking that you know necessarily you could be a good leader, even if you can. And you know, he is he's a very smart person and a great lead, you know, I think he has the ability to be a great leader. I think just that you know, struggles of those like insecurities um have certainly been a little bit of a challenge and has bled into a little bit into our relationship. And the fact of, you know, there'd be times where he'd work and it's just like I shouldn't be here and I should just go back to what I know. And it's just like, no, like you're obviously here for a reason because you you not only you passed the test, you did the training, you did, you know, yada yada yada, you've got this. And and so being that support for him was certainly uh, you know, I've always been supportive of of anything that he's done, but you know, it it having a little more, I guess, patience, and you'll probably kill me for saying this, but just just being a little more patient with and being just that it's like, no, baby, like you got this and you can you can do this, like I know you can. And also like being it's like yeah, you should talk to so and so and you know, you're captains and you use those resources, and just yeah, just being an ear for that person that's going through a tran a little bit of a transitional period in their career. Um, you know, I know that here 10 years from now, he's gonna take butt and take names, but just you know, showing that that person that it's like, no, you you know, having having their back, I think is super important.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

My husband has said has said almost the exact same thing. And you can tell your husband this, so he doesn't feel he doesn't feel bad. But he when he's talking about like his work, because he's a paramedic, he says he's like, I don't feel qualified for this. There's so much pressure, and I feel like they get very vulnerable because it is a lot of pressure, and you never think of yourself as somebody who's people are relying on like with their lives. And I ask him, like, okay, you go into this situation, do you not know what to do? Do you feel like you're second-guessing yourself? And he's like, No, I know what to do. And then stop overthinking it. You know what you're supposed to do, but it feels weird having that kind of pressure on them. And then you know he's gonna hate me if I say the word insecure. He's not insecure, but he he has trouble picturing himself as that kind of support person. I don't know what the right word for this is, but the he has trouble picturing himself as the person that people will rely on on in those instances, no matter how prepared he is. It just seems like that those two pieces don't even click. He is so smart and so capable, and it sounds like your husband is the same way, but for some reason they don't they can't get that through their teeny tiny little heads. Why? Why so it might just sound before the move or after the move? Because you said you crossed the straight or state.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Yes, yeah. So that was the promotion. He he came to me when he was or in talks of promotion, and with his department, it's so large that they give you kind of you can make a list of you know different units that you can you want to potentially promote into. And we had talked even before, I think when we were even like seriously dating, you know, he's like, Well, if I ever get promoted and you know, potentially move, would you move with me? And you know, it it certainly was a little bit of uh I had to kind of think, uh, but I was like, no, I'm like, I I would. And you know, saying that then and then now, I still would, but it was I was a little more laxative, like, yeah, totally, baby. I would totally go with you anywhere. I follow you to you know, Timbuktu. In theory, everything's great, exactly, exactly. But um, you know, I didn't necessarily put two and two together until I was in that faced in that situation. And he got, you know, he gave he I was actually at work at the time and he texted me. He's like, I got a promotion. He's like, I'm we're we're moving up north. And I was like, okay, you know, it was super exciting at first, and then that like everything clicks in. And for me, again, like I said, I was super close with my family, have moved, you know, throughout my life. I've moved a little bit, but always about an hour away from kind of home base, if you will, where my parents live. And then it was like, holy cow, what am I doing? And there were certainly times during the move, and he he promoted, so he had to go to an academy and then move. And so he was gone for about two and a half. Well, I didn't see him until I moved up here. So he went through his academy and then had to start working basically right away at that new station. So while he was in his academy, it was like two months, and then I we just financially were unable to just like pick up, and plus my job, I had to, you know, things around. So it was it was about a three or four month time frame where you know we were apart, and while also me trying to kind of process that I'm leaving everything behind, everything that I've ever known, leaving behind for this person. And there were certainly, I certainly had times of doubt. And it's like, am I doing the right thing? Am I, you know, not only am I moving for just this one person whom whom I love very much, but I also had those like, you know, I I nervous of it's like, well, what if I move up there and then he he leaves me and then I'm stuck up here? And you know, you just let your mind wander, and next thing you know, you're in this pit of despair. And so it's like, okay, no, no, no, we can't can't think that way. And there were even times where I had a little bit of of resent. I was a little resentful because it's like, how dare he, you know, ask me to move to you know away from my family. But then I think my dad was it's like you can't have that mindset. He's like, because you know, he's like, did he? He wasn't like he just said in a day, oh yeah, by the way, you're coming with me and you're moving to eight hours away. It's like, no, he's had these conversations with you for months on end. And he's like, You're not, he's not making you do anything. He's he, if you want this relationship to work in you have to like it's a good break because we were engaged at the time. He's like, but I think it'll be a good kind of fresh start as a married couple to just he's like, you have to cleave off and go go do your thing. And he put that into perspective. It's like, oh yeah, you're right. Okay, I shouldn't be on it, shouldn't be upset at him because he really didn't do anything wrong, and he's trying to do what's better, the best for our family, you know, now our family. And so, you know, there was a and you know, the first and even the first couple months were certainly challenging, but luckily, um you know, my family had the flexibility of to be able to come up and and visit. And you know, with the where we moved, they were like, Oh, you know, we love it, but like, so we don't even you know, need an excuse to come and visit. And so that was it was certainly nice. And uh, you know, but don't get me wrong, there were certainly still tearful uh phone calls to my mom. Like, what did I do? Like it's so lonely, especially when he would be working days at a time. It's just like, what the heck did I just get myself into? You know, now looking at we've been up here uh about nine months, and you know, it's like, okay, I've got friends now, and and a little more, you know, I'm building that community, uh, our own kind of little community, and that has certainly uh taken the, you know, don't get me wrong, I still miss time, especially during the holidays. It's like, oh, you don't want to, you know, be with the family, but you know, it's it's ultimately been a great decision of uh you know, a great opportunity for us.

SPEAKER_01 31:00

So just as you're adjusting to this whole big change, another one sneaks up that nobody ever expects or wants to hear. Can you kind of walk us through the day that you found out about the tumor?

SPEAKER_00 31:18

Yeah, yeah. So all from when we've got been together, he's always complained of headaches and you know, and migraines where he he had, you know, where it would be days where he would just have these excruciating migraines, and to the point where I would almost every time I get very frustrated with him because it was just like, oh, let's go do this. No, I have a headache, I don't feel good, or I'm going to bed early. And it it got a little old. I'm I and I've told him this, and we laugh about it now, but you know, I I was very frustrated. But it got to the point he came off duty and he's like, I really just this is a really bad one. And you know, he explained some symptoms that he was having, you know, severe headache, but then he was also like nauseous, and um, he had kind of like tunnel vision. And I I've got a little bit of medical training, so I that like cued off. It's like, okay, that's not just a bad headache or my brain. Yeah, it's like, okay, we need to go to the hospital. And of course, being the the kind of the macho men that they are, you know, we love them. He's like, I don't say, no, he's like, let me just, I just need to sleep it off. And I was like, okay, fine, go go lay down. So we got him, he showered, got him laid down. And throughout the night, he was just in excruciating pain and which then kept me up all night because he's tossing and turning. And so by like 3 a.m. that that night or that morning after, it's like, okay, please can we just go to the ER? I'm like, do it for me. I was like, not even gonna do it for yourself, just do it for my own peace of mind, that everything's fine. If it's just a bad migraine, they'll give you some medications and you can you know send you back home because he had to work that day. So he's like, Well, I have to work. It's like, I'm sure they'll be fine if you take sick day or if you just tell them you're gonna be late. Whatever, we'll figure it out, but let's just go get looked at first. I said, Okay. And on the ride there, I was like, it better not be. I'm like, watch it be like a brain tumor or something. And we kind of chuckled, like, ha ha get there. And of course the hospital's great. They're like, well, let's just because of any any sort of head issues, they they do imaging to rule out issues. And it's like, okay, cool. And then the doctor came back in after getting a CT result, and she took, she had her like a mask on, which is not uncommon, and then she took her mask off. And again, as somebody that's worked in the hospital setting, when they humanize themselves a little more, you know it's not good news. And so she's like, Well, we found something, but we don't know what it is. We don't know if it's a bleed or a mask, but there's something very large that's not supposed to be there. And at that point, my heart just dropped because then I see this person. Like I said, I at the time, you know, I've been married to him for three months. It's like we just got married, we haven't even opened our wedding gifts yet. And now, you know, I'm facing something that may or may not, you know, his kind of his mortality in in a in a sense. And at the time, he I think it hit it still, you know, hits me a lot harder than it hit him. And he's just like, oh, okay. And he's very nonchalant about it. And I was like, what do you, you, what do you mean? But he was in so much pain at the time that he he's just like, I don't know what anybody's saying. He's like, I just want the pain to go away. So they, like I said, so they gave us, they're like, we don't know what's going on, but we need you to go to a larger hospital that you know, they were we live in a pretty small town, and the the hospital's great, but they just don't have the resources to kind of handle whatever this is. So they they sent us to a larger city about two hours away, and we're great. And we said they they took it and they're like, okay, it's not a bleed. So that helped a little bit of my uh panic, but you know, it it certainly it's like, but it's a it's a mess, and we're gonna try and remove it, but you know, and everything was just a blur within like a day and a half. You know, he'd been diagnosed, and they're like, we're gonna schedule for surgery. That that that that no, this is what we're doing. And it was just like, holy cow. Luckily, my parents were already planning on coming up that like weekend to come and visit. So, and of course, that was my first phone call was to my, I think my dad. Um, and so I explained, I was like, something's going on. Ron's, you know, they're diagnosed with brain tumor, and they're like, okay, we're on our way. And my mom was working at the time, but luckily she's like, I'll just like give me a few hours to get they need to get coverage for me, and then we're flying up. And they were here within about, I don't know, eight hours from that phone call. And so it was just a you know, and it said it was still we weren't didn't know what the what the future looked like. And so they said they're gonna operate, they're like, we think we can get it all da-da-da, you know, take care of it. And then that surgery, they they quoted the surgery about six to eight hours, and it's like, okay, which was you know, the again, the like the the couple day period of between being diagnosed to surgery, that was like the longest couple days of my life. But um they said, okay, the surgery about six to eight hours, and then we're gonna well, we'll come in and and give you an update. And within two hours, the surgeon came in, and again, my heart dropped because I also know you know that you know, when they're quoting this long, it's like, and it's never or very rarely a good sign when a surgeon aborts mission and kind of comes back in what shorter than their time quote. And the way he looked, and I was just like, is you know, he's missing a bunch, you know, and I'm like, yes, and he's like, so didn't go as planned. And I was expecting him, like my heart dropped, and I was expecting him to tell me, we sorry, but we lost your husband. Luckily, that wasn't the case, but he said that we can't get the tumor, we were able to do a little bit, but it didn't go as successfully as we wanted it to, and so that was you know, uh part of just like and and my mom luckily was there with me, and because all I heard was kind of like the Charlie Brown teacher, and that wah wah wah wah wah.

SPEAKER_01 37:57

But of course, because you're just focusing on the fact that he's still out here much earlier than you expected. You're trying to get past that shock, exactly, exactly. You're catching like pieces of what he's saying. You would think they would come out maybe like think about what they're gonna say a little bit more and just make sure that first line is punchy because they're all you're gonna hear is that first few words.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Exactly, exactly. Anyway, so I said he was he was a great, you know, they're great doctors, and we've we've been very blessed. But yeah, it was certainly like, okay, well, then let's let's take it from there. But also he warned us pretty early on that he's like, you know, I'm in there, met you're you know, they're in there messing around with a chunk of something that is that is our sole identity, is like who we are as a person is is our brain. And so, you know, I was very hesitant, even from you know, when diagnosis to the surgery post-operatively, like, am I going to lose the man that I fell in love with? And so that was always kind of you know, kind of there, and it is not only, you know, is his mortality in limbo, but also just as who he is as a person. And so I was very hesitant to, but it, you know, at the same time, and and he was as well, he was very you know, he like leading up to the surgery, he's just like, please just don't leave. He's like, whatever it is, we'll figure it out. I'm like, I'm not gonna, you know, leave a not gonna kick a man while he's down. Like, I'm here, this is what it is. Like, I I joke now, it's you know, he he really wanted to test that whole in sickness and health thing, like right off the bat. I'm like, you couldn't, you didn't trust me that when I said my vows that I was gonna be here, but that's okay. You had to test. I hope a path, I think I passed.

SPEAKER_01 39:56

So how did he process everything between because you said there were a couple of days between like the diagnosis and the surgery? And the first day, I'm assuming he was just in so much pain it wasn't, you said it wasn't like sinking in. Once he kind of had time to process, how was he handling everything?

SPEAKER_00 40:13

He it I don't think it even was until about a week after like the week in the hospital, and then a week after that is when I think he started to kind of things started to click because they hadn't uh hopped up on so many medications and pain medications that and he even says he's like I don't remember half of that week. He's like, I I got bits and pieces, he's like, but it just is not, and so it wasn't until a little bit later that it was like, holy cow, like what what just happened and what is happening? And so um, you know, he had a little bit of of the depression, and and I think just grieving in general, you have the stages of grief, you have that you know anger and you know depression, and to finally kind of that acceptance aspect. But you know, we we both had to go through that really quickly, especially I don't know how I was I held it together super well in that week. It's just because I had to worry about, you know, the it's like okay, if he doesn't make it, then it's like, okay, we need you know, passwords and this and that, and where's this and where's that, and and taking care of basically scooping up his life and and figuring it out, but also like doctors' appointments and what doctors are saying and and trying to kind of fizz out that information and the department. And I said that's where we really grew a lot of um warmth and strength from the department because you know, within we got the diagnosis at like 7 a.m. They they they told us, and by like, I think nine, he called work to say, hey, I'm not coming in today. And then by that like next phone call, I think he called his captain and was like, yeah, something's not right. They're sending me two hours south. And within that like three-hour period, there was somebody at the department, but like, here's our liaison, he's here, and they were kind of our muscle in in a lot of the aspects, which was fantastic. Um, but just being able for my own um sake, and just as us as a couple, it's like I had to put my emotion, I had to stuff my emotion down and just handle business because there was so much to handle. And I think I had a meltdown over I was missing our dogs, but it wasn't, you know, that was the like the trigger of the meltdown.

SPEAKER_01 42:44

That's the straw that broke the camel's back at that point.

SPEAKER_00 42:47

Exactly. And I felt really bad for it because it was his captain and then one of like the union reps, and then somebody else, like all these like big wigs in the department, and then just like sitting there in a hospital room just crying, and they're just like uh uh, they kind of didn't know what to do because you know they they are not used to, I mean, they're used to seeing people in their worst days, but not you know, somebody that you know, not one of them, and not their people. And so they but one of them was uh he's a little bit older gentleman, and he's got girl, he's a girl dad. So he he's like, come here, kiddo, and he gave me a big hug, and he's like, We got this, and it was it was great, but um yeah, it was it was just it is a a uh why um you know again coming from somebody that or coming from a family of first responders, we were always as kids, we were always told it's you know, you never know what the day is gonna hold. And so we always made sure that we said, I love you after every phone call and and things like that. And so we knew like I've always known that life is very fragile and understood that. But yeah, but being in that as somebody like I'm used to taking care of other people that are in that situation, but not being in a situation and that has been been a challenge. And I said the biggest struggle is my like my vulnerability and my like I'm processing this as well and not being able like you can't really vent to the person that you're like the the person you're taking care of, you can't vent to that person about taking care of or like being overwhelmed because that's not fair to them. He didn't choose this situation. And so that has been the biggest uh kind of hurdle to make sometimes is you just have to internalize everything. And as we know, we you can only internalize so much and um until you kind of like said the the cork ups and you just like crying over spilt coffee or something.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

So spilled coffee is a crime, I will just say that is an absolute crime that is worth crying over. So his health now, so he still has the tumor. When does that how does that impact his overall health?

SPEAKER_00 45:16

Yeah, so he um we actually had an appointment uh last month with his oncologist, and they were able to put him on chemotherapy. They were they weren't sure if they were going to need radiation as on top of that, but we actually got that news that the tumor is shrinking considerably. Um, the chemo has been on chemotherapy about four months now, and we're doing a couple more. And so that has been, you know, we're on the up and up, uh, certainly, which has been fantastic. And with that tumor diagnosis, it has also affected other things, like where the tumor is located or is and was located, has affected his um like adrenal gland. So it which then affects other things, like which something that when we in the hospital, they're like, Well, do you have children? And we're like, No, well, do you want children? And they're like, we're like, Yeah, that's that's the plan. And they're like, well, with these treatments and the chemotherapy and all this stuff, they're like, we you may or may not recommend having children, but also, you know, he may become infertile, which was also a big kind of blow to the gut because it's nobody wants you know, it's it's one thing if you talk to your partner and you say you you decide you're like, you know what, children are not in our picture for whatever reason, but for it to kind of be taken away from you, especially so early in our relationship, that was I think the another big challenge that um at least I had you know had to kind of swallow. And it it was it was a challenge. But then, you know, as we've kind of gone through this treatment journey, um, those hopes are potentially a little more available, which is gonna be, you know, which is fantastic because I've said I want it to be in our hands, as as any of us would. You know, we we want to be able to make that those decisions and not just be told, nope, sorry, we know that this is potentially what you wanted in your life, but you can't have it because of you know, whatever reason. And that was uh uh really hard. But yeah, overall, you know, we're certainly on the up and up. He's he's getting a little bit better each day, which you know, I'm I'm so grateful for. You know, we we definitely have good days and bad days, even with the chemotherapy treatment. You know, it's you know, there's there's days into almost, you know, they turn into weeks of where he's really tired or he's sick or he's this and that. And that has been a challenge because, but also a meh, uh, a lesson for both of us, but me in particularly, in the fact of taking it day by day and enjoying the good days when we have when he's feeling good, and we can go take the dogs for a walk or go out to dinner and it not, you know, kind of back to our little bit of a norm normality. And those days help when he doesn't feel good and he's you know, he's sick, and you're you're you're helping him, you're you're taking care of this little baby bird almost of illness. And and I just have to rem remind myself that's like this is this two shall pass, we'll be okay. And I am I am grateful also that we didn't get the diagnosis of, you know, because I've had I've I have a family friend who her husband, he's um passed, he had a brain tumor, and it was like in like six months it took his life. And you know, there are certainly those those situations where you know you it's like I'm sorry, but you have you you better go get your stuff together, like you you don't have a lot of time left. And so in that we were fully prepared for those conversations, which luckily we never had. But um, you know, it it it has it certainly taught, you know, there's a lot. I I feel, you know, in for me, you know, life, life is just a series of lessons, and you know, this particular situation B, I would not wish on my worst enemy. I also am very grateful for the lessons it has taught us, as well as the community and the support that we have gotten. I mean, we've always known that we've had people in our lives that love us, but going through this has shown immense support for people that I didn't like. I knew that you know they they liked us, but we weren't as as as important as we are, and it it certainly helped us. It's like, oh wow, we have a huge support system, and this is this is awesome.

SPEAKER_01 50:08

Anyone can say that they'll be there, you know, when times get tough, but when things like this happen, you see the people who are actually there. And I think we learn to appreciate those people in a whole different way.

SPEAKER_00 50:20

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 50:21

One thing with this kind of career is that communication is key between us and our spouses. How did this diagnosis change your communication? Because I feel like it had to you had to be even more expansive, even clearer with everything, be even more open with everything. Because there's a lot of room for, like you said, you know, there's a lot of venting that you need to do because there's a lot of pressure and a lot of stress.

SPEAKER_00 50:49

And how have you guys navigated that very carefully, you know? Um, I feel like yes, kid gloves at times. And you know, we've every time we've gotten a little bit better, and I I attest that to just us as people, but and just in our relationship and and being able, I am very grateful that we can communicate with each other. We communicate with each other pretty dang well. There are certainly times where he'll say something that hurts my feelings, or and vice versa, or it's like, hey, like clarification, you know, his his big saying is like, I'm always like lazy with my words. He's like, so I may say something, but I don't mean, you know, I take the interpretation like anytime, you know, there's certainly times that we'll interpretate things wrong with any type of communication. Um, but now I've gotten to be instead of just automatically being like upset, I'll just be like, Did you mean to say this or what? Did can you please like clarify just a little bit before I like lose my blow my top? Um and then he's like, oh, okay. And then he comes back and explains. And so, but you know, there were certainly times where you know there were frustrated conversations or or just it's like, look, man, like I'm trying, you know, and it was also struggle because you know, you're not always, and it goes, I think, with anybody, you know, we're not feeling 100% a hundred percent of the time, and that's when you just have to have like grace with your partner. And that was always what my mom told me when I would come, you know, kind of call and and vent to her, was like you just have to have grace with each other. She's like, because you're both going through something immensely difficult. You I just having great, like, okay, yeah, you might be a little snippy, but it's because you don't feel good, and and giving you you certainly don't um like bow down or you know, let somebody treat you poorly or talk to you poorly, but just having this like, okay, I understand, and then coming back later and being like, hey, so when you said this, that hurt my feelings. But like we had an instance pretty recently where I'm always on him about drinking water and you know, and staying hydrated because of sometimes the stomach issues that will get you dehydrated, which then make you feel worse. And so I he had complained about not feeling well, and I was like, Well, have you drinking your water? And he kind of snapped at me. And I at the time was frustrated as well with many other things outside of our home life. And I just broke down crying. It's just like, look, I don't know what I'm doing. This is, you know, this is all new to me as much as it is to you. And like, what it's so hard to just watch your partner suffer and struggle and be so helpless. But it's like, if I can get you, I know what I have control of is making sure that you are hydrated and drinking water. So, yes, that is the thing that I'm going to latch on to because that is really the only thing out of this whole situation that I really only have I've got control over. And like making sure that you take care of all your medications. Otherwise, I'm helpless in the fact of like there's and there's times where you know we've we've gotten better now, but we've called like his doctors, just like, what do we do? And they're like, Well, it's that's just normal. And it's like, but it's not normal. Like, it's not our normal.

SPEAKER_01 54:15

I feel like you need one of those inflatable, like baseball bats, a little one, and you just need to keep it on hand, and then when you guys get snippy at each other, just go just knocked another just real yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:28

Don't be crouchy.

SPEAKER_01 54:31

So he's not working right now during his treatment, correct?

SPEAKER_00 54:35

Uh he is actually working um here in the last couple minutes. Yes, yeah, he's working at their like headquarters, working um like front desk duties because due to his treatment, he can't be out in like the sun. Which you know, I was gonna say, I'm like, go go, Superman, but holy crap, what I know, and that's even his ontologist was like, Wow, you're working, like, but but he's also, and I'm sure yours is the same as they they they they like to stay busy and they like to work and can't sit still. What is this? Why can't yeah, good question. What is this? And so it's like and I did notice a difference of when he was recovering from surgery, you know, they didn't want him to do anything, like no lit, no, can't even like lift a bottle of water because uh they were afraid to like strain, and so he had to lay there. And I saw his mental health really deteriorate in that because he just had to be stuck there. And and I don't know, you know, if you've ever been injured or or kind of laid up, but it is that it is very it's hard to just lay there and not be, you know, kind of again feel helpless. And you know, I don't think any of us want to have be weighted on 24-7. And I think that just it it kind of just make you feel a little crummy about yourself. And so when they offered to be able to, you know, do a little work here and there, he was he was gone. I was a little more hesitant about it. Um, but he's just like, but I need I was like, you know what? If that's what you feel like you need, then I'm I I you know I'm here for you. I got you.

SPEAKER_01 56:04

I feel like that's a common personality trait with people who will be in first responder positions, is they they have to be moving, they have to be doing something, they have to have a next step, they have to have they cannot physically sit still. Like my husband, he sits still and he like starts twitching, and I don't know what I don't know what that is. But like I appreciate about or that about him so much, but I've talked to so many different people, and they're like, Yeah, my you know, my spouse just they can't sit still, they have to be doing something. Time off work for anybody else is like a vacation. Time off work for a firefighter is a punishment, and they end up the punishment is for us because they end up annoying the crap out of us. So, how I know you're taking care of him. How are you taking care of you? And I know this is a very sometimes a very difficult question because we get so consumed with taking care of other people. So, how have you learned to ask for what you need in these kinds of situations? Or is that something that you struggle with? Because I know I don't do it.

SPEAKER_00 57:14

Yes, I I certainly still do struggle with that um because I you know also want to be superwoman, like I want to do it all at all times, and so it has certainly been a challenge, but um, I have found that my I can escape a little bit by like taking the dogs for a walk and going for like a hike or something. I enjoy being you know outside in nature, or like you know, if he's feeling good, then I like you know, I'm gonna go get my toes done. It's like I've got my you know, my phone right here if you need me. It's like, but I'm gonna be gone for like, you know, whatever hour, hour and a half of just a little bit of trying to kind of get out of that caregiver mentality. But it is still, you know, it's it's still a challenge for me because I I always were, I still am sitting there worrying, and he's been very good about like, no, baby, like go, go do something. He's like, don't let me, you know, rot while you, you know, go. And it it's like, okay, yes, but I still, it's like, well, hopefully he's still, you know, what if he gets sick and then he's laying there and I come home, you know. I still have those like intrusive thoughts, but I I do I have found those like little moments of like, okay, I can take the walk dog to around the neighborhood. That's not a lot of, you know, I'm I'm still close by. So I still feel like if anything happens, then I can still like aid or um you know, watch one of my show, you know, watch one of my favorite shows, you know, those like feel good shows that we all have, those little like necks that we we have that just kind of help us take a step back for a second. Because I I did when it like we first happened, like when this all first happened, I ran myself ragged to the point that I I went to work and I just like started bawling over everything and was just like, I don't know what to do. And I was just my my emotional tank was bare dry. And so I've just gradually learned, and I said it it really does help also that he has started to really feel better and to be a lot more like not have the same amount like amount of issues as he did before. So it's just like okay, cool. Like now I can breathe, like I find myself here in the last like month or so, like my shoulders are finally sitting a little lower, and I can like I can breathe again.

SPEAKER_01 59:44

It's one of those overrated yet also underrated things. Because I mean, the the thing that I've done for myself is go to I go to a boxing gym as every day, especially mostly during the week, um, because classes are limited on weekends, but mostly during the week, if my husband is home, I am going to a class that day because I can either punch a bag or I can punch him. I have two options. He doesn't like option B, so we go with option A. But it's it's one of those things that like I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed out. I go and for a little bit, when I'm moving my body, everything kind of goes quiet for a while.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:25

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:25

And when I come back, I'm able to jump back in exactly where I was, but I'm doing it with such a clearer head and such a better mindset with everything. Everybody looks a little more pretty when I get back. And it's it's one of those things that it's become a necessary part of our routine.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:44

No, 100%. Because and and you also have to, because like I know for a long time I always felt guilty for doing that as well. And I think a lot of us feel like feel guilty because it's like we we should pass. What do you mean we can't do everything all the time, a hundred percent of the time? And we need to take a step back and collect ourselves and like I said, fill that that tank, that emotional tank, or whatever. And you know, it's it's okay, like because you can't pour from an empty jar. And that was always something that I I've I've been told, and for a long time, it's like, yeah, yeah, whatever. But now I truly, it's like, no, you're right. You can't you can't take care of other people the way they're supposed to if you're also dragging yourself.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:31

So drowning. We all forget that. One thing I also forget is that he cannot read my mind. Um, he cannot tell when I'm about to absolutely blow my top. Sometimes he can. My face is very loud again. Um, sometimes he can 100% tell, but we have to make sure that we're communicating that like I need to go, I need to get out of here, I need a break, I need a breath. But we feel as women and as moms, we feel so guilty for doing that. They don't have that same guilt, and I'm envious of that. That seems like a totally rational thing to them, they don't have to reason it in their head. And the one thing with this kind of career, there's so much risk for injury for illness because of the things that they're exposed to. There are so many people that are on leave at any given time for different things that have happened at work. So if you were to talk to another spouse whose husband is dealing, or husband or wife or whoever is dealing with some kind of medical issue, be it related to work or not, what advice would you give them?

SPEAKER_00 1:02:41

I would just say to again, give grace for yourself, for them, just in general, just give grace to each other because like all you can do, you're just you have to know that you're doing your best in whatever situation that is, and to be understanding that it's not always gonna be sun, you know. We all we always know it's gonna not gonna be sunshines and rainbows all the time, but just being like okay. And it and also it's okay to take a breath, don't feel that, you know, and it is again easier said than done. But to to when you need to communicate, it's like, and even if you need to find somebody, you hopefully you have that support system. It's like, hey, can you hang out here for a couple hours? Like, I need to go get a cup of coffee, like I'm just gonna go get a cup of coffee, like I'll be down the street, but just to get out of that bubble for even 15 minutes is life-saving and it will help in the long run of just your overall wellness, and you just you have to take care of yourself while also taking care of them. And I think that's that the biggest component, at least I've learned thus far, is just like it's okay. Like every, you know, just trying to one and one step at a time, just one day at a time, even if you have to cut it down. There's there's a uh somebody, I think it's a Navy SEAL that uh has a speech that he's like when you're having a bad day or having like a and you're depressed or anxious or whatever, you just cut your day into like even if you got to cut it to hours, it's like, okay, I can make, I'm gonna do it from hour to hour. And the next thing you know, that day is done, and you're gonna move on to the next day, and that'll may or may not have new challenges or may be much better than the day before, but just have breaking down each looks like okay, I can make it to noon, and then I'm gonna whatever, yeah, and just you know, being patient with yourself and and them.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:43

The other thing you mentioned was community. And I know in our within our own departments, there's a lot of community, but it's not always easy to to kind of build that up at first. So it's amazing that your department was so supportive with everything. What did it feel like having that kind of support?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:05

Oh, like a warm hug. It was it was fantastic. And we weren't even expecting anything, you know. We expected them to just like we were hopeful that they were just gonna be understanding that it's like, hey, we're gonna be out of, you know, he's gonna be out of commission for a little bit and then then be like, okay, you know, whatever. But the the amount of support, and like I said, they jumped in at times, you know, even during our hospital stay, there were times where I was struggling a little bit and couldn't grasp everything that needed to be done. And a couple of the like the liaisons were like, I got you. And like I said, they were like the muscle, they're like, No, we need this done, you know, we need to get this done, or explain, you know, ask them to explain things better. They were just that like big brother that the protective big brother that I needed at the time, and so it was super grateful. And you know, because I have seen, you know, and I Even experienced my own family's experience kind of the other side of that where they didn't necessarily have the same support while going through something pretty difficult, and it that I watched be very difficult on my dad, and just it was hard. So when we got the opposite end of that support, and so like, what do you need? And even after we got out of the hospital, they're like, We have a food train, you know, we will drop off meals. Even the stations themselves were making meals and driving them over to our house. And it's like, you need grass cut, like what whatever you need, we got you. And that was so nice, especially in the fact that I, you know, we didn't have a lot of other like family and friendly friends to to pick up that slack. So they were it was it was great. And you know, we we both even now it's like, yeah, we've liked the department before, but now it's like no, we we really we're not going anywhere. This is this is our home.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:59

Those are the the moments of kindness that to those people doing those things, they feel so small, but those are things that you remember forever.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:08

Yes, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:10

This question may be a little difficult. Did accepting that kind of help did it come naturally, or was that something that you struggled with?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:20

I did struggle, and especially there were times where I needed like you know, a little more muscle at home. And I did, I'd I'd like sit there, like I'd get like a text or something, hey, are you guys good? And I would send it's like yeah, I need this and that, and I'd sit there and stare at it, and I'm like, but I don't want to send it because I felt guilty. It's like, well, maybe they're busy, they're doing this, they're they're they're fighting fires and they can't don't have time for little old me. Uh and so, and then I was kind of like, ah, and then like right away, like, okay, we got you. So it definitely is challenging. And every time I see anybody, I was like, Thank you so much, thank you so much. Like, and they're like to the point like it's okay, like this is our job.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:58

No, we did this willingly. There was no arm twisting, there was no blackmail. We came here of our own free will. Exactly. It's hard. Accepting that kind of help is hard, especially one thing about a spouse of a first responder is we're alone a lot, which unfortunately for people like my husband means that we think we can do everything all the time all at once, and it feels like asking for help is admitting weakness. It is the opposite, it is absolutely the opposite. The hardest things to do are the things that take the most strength and the most bravery to do. What did this entire experience teach you about letting people show up for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:51

Just that you know, letting them do that and and and also you know with the situation, and like I said, they they're you know, if they're in this field, that means that they want to help people, you know, they didn't get into this field for like not calendar. Exactly. Calendar. Exactly. So they got into this field to help, and they also have the and that was one of his captains explained that to me. It's like, I also have this helpless feeling. He's like, but if helping you, you know, making a dinner for you will help just take a little bit off your back and like your just a little bit of tension. It's like then let me, he's like, please let me help you. He's like, because I want uh to help in this situation as well. And so that I think said was the biggest lesson of just because people that the people that care for you, they want to it's like, please give me the opportunity to be there for you. And that is something that is is uh you know super important and it's it's it's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:01

Has this changed the way you look at the fire service family?

SPEAKER_00 1:10:06

I think so. I certainly think it has changed my perspective a little bit because I've said, you know, prior to I've seen, you know, when things, when kind of rubber meets the road and not being met with the same amount of support, and like they always talk about a brotherhood or your brother, sisterhood. And sometimes, you know, for a long time it has like, oh, that's all it's kind of like you know, it's in the movies and kind of all talk and to make themselves feel a certain type of way. But I I did notice that it's like depending on you know your your department, which like I said, I it is unfortunate that not everybody has that same you know amount of support that we have received, but when you do, it is it's it's great. And and I'm I'm so grateful for the fact that um that was the case.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:52

Sometimes we don't really realize how many people are actually standing behind us until we're forced to look. And as difficult as the situation has been for you, it sounds like you've had an amazing support system both in your family and in the community that you've built. It's almost impossible to go through a situation like this and not learn something from it. What have you learned about yourself through this whole ordeal?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:23

That I'm stronger than I thought I was, and I'm stronger as a person than I thought I was, because I always had struggled with that, like I'm just this like meek little person, and and it's just like no, like, and he he's even laughed because you know there's been times where I'm I'm certainly a more passive person generally, but there's times that you know dealing with insurances and and appointments, and I've been had to be a little more stern, not rude, you never be rude to people, but be like, no, I need this done. This is what we need done. And he's just like, Who are you living down with my wife? And I'm like, hey, job needs to get done. I'm gonna make sure you get your taken care of. And so I can't even imagine going through like somebody going through this and not having not to like pat myself on the back, but to like not have somebody in your corner fighting for you because those other not only dealing with your own person, your own health, but then you know, dealing with the the insurances and the the people that are not necessarily gonna help you, you know, out in the or make things a little more difficult. You know, you so sometimes you had to be a little more like, no, this is you know, stand up for yourself or stand up for that person that's struggling. And so that has been my biggest lesson for myself. It's just like, oh no, I'm I'm a I'm a baddie dad blast it. It's hard to do this.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:41

Yeah, exactly. So one thing I'd like to end on is if another firefighter spouse is listening right now, maybe you're sitting in a hospital room, maybe you're feeling completely alone, what would you want them to know?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:57

That somebody somewhere, there's there are people out there that can support you, support you and give you a big hug. And like I said, we we've got this. And as spouses and just women in general, it's like to support each other. And like if anybody's struggling, it's like, we got you.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:25

We often think that strength means handling everything by ourselves, but sometimes the strongest thing we can do is to communicate honestly, accept some help, and let the community that we've built carry us through situations that we cannot handle ourselves. To everyone listening, whether your firefighter is on shift tonight, if you're navigating a season of uncertainty, or you're simply trying to make it through another day, remember this. You are stronger than you think. You're never as alone as you feel. And together we are stronger than the shift. Thank you for joining me in another episode of Stronger Than the Shift. If you found value in today's conversation, make sure you're subscribed so you never miss a story from this incredible community of first-responding spouses. And if you know someone who needs to hear that they're not alone in this lifestyle, share this episode with them. Every story shared helps another spouse feel seen, supported, and understood. Thank you for being here, and I'll see you next time.