Skotara: The Witness. The Keeper of the Flame

Anyone can observe.

A witness remains present.

A witness resists the impulse to fix, rescue, minimize, or turn away. A witness says, I see what is here. I will not deny it. I will not abandon you because it makes me uncomfortable.

That kind of presence is transformative. "Skotara", a.k.a. The Astute Femme on Threads, TikTok, and Instagram, has done exactly that and more for me as a friend-- and as a sister.

Real healing often begins not when someone gives us the perfect advice, but when someone is willing to sit beside us long enough that we stop believing we have to face our darkness alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

So I have a friend whom I mentioned in the first episode of my podcast. And by the way, this episode is scripted, meaning I typed it out. I'm disclosing that because all of the other episodes up to this point have been completely unscripted. And with this particular person, I wanted to make sure that I didn't miss anything.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

And with that being said, let's get into it. I've known her for roughly a year.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

I found, followed, and interacted with her on threads, and after some time, I slid into her DMs to say that I would like to get to know her. Now that's important because I am deathly afraid of sliding into anybody's deeds. Like, yeah, that that like scares me. And I said to her that I was looking for IRL friends in New York, Jersey, and New York. Immediately, the conversations were deep and revealing. I had found a kind of spirit, someone I felt immediately comfortable with and safe with, and who I allowed myself to be raw, authentic, and vulnerable with merely from week one. We talked and still talk about everything, and I do mean everything in detail. I have been a witness, a safe space, and a container for her thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and she has served in the same capacity as well for my own. After giving it some thought and research, I will be calling her Skotara. The name is derived from the Greek skotos, darkness, meaning she who willingly enters the darkness. Not as evil, but as the person who boldly sheds light on the parts of ourselves that we fear and are most hidden. She has been my witness in a way that others have not. Skotara has not simply observed herself or me, she also inhabits and sheds light on the shadow of the collective. Most of us spend our lives trying to escape. We distract ourselves, we intellectualize, we medicate, we deny, we run. She doesn't. She is a content creator known online as the astute Finn on her social platforms. She is a writer, activist, poet, speaker, and so, so, so much more. Her authority comes from her lived experiences. Skotara is comfortable with the discomfort of sitting in grief, shame, anger, longing, contradiction, and the taboo without trying to rescue anyone or herself. She has an extraordinary willingness to speak openly about the parts of herself that many people spend a lifetime trying to conceal her fears, her wounds, her contradictions, her failures, her grief, and her joy. She shares them publicly not because authenticity and vulnerability have become fashionable, not because she's chasing attention, but from the way in which I see it, she needs to tell her truth. In a world that rewards carefully curated identities, she has chosen authenticity, even when the price has been very steep for her at times. That's something that is extraordinarily rare. And a courage such as hers is deeply contagious. Scotara has walked with me in ways that few people have been willing to, and has seen me in ways that few people have. She is my companion who is unafraid of the underworld, the shadow realms of the psyche. She doesn't simply observe my becoming. Her own refusal to hang has become an invitation. Because of my interaction with her, I have developed the courage to speak and allow my voice to be heard beyond voice notes to her in eye messages. Before I ever had the courage to record these conversations, to allow myself to be seen wrestling with uncertainty instead of pretending that I have everything figured out. Scutara is the only one who says, I will not abandon you in your darkness, even when consumed by my own. I keep the fires of the path lit and serve as the collective voice until you can find your own. She is not a light bearer, like Pravia. She tunes a flame within the darkness, one that doesn't necessarily follow me either. Sometimes Katara leaves me to my own devices when maybe on some subconscious level. She feels that, hey, I think you got it now. Hey, you need to dissect this for a little bit. And I appreciate that about her. She hasn't taught me through direct instruction. Everything she's taught me has been through example. Every honest post, every difficult conversation became a subconscious permission slip to me that said, You don't have to be you don't have to perform to be loved. You don't have to do anything to be considered worthy. You definitely don't have to do anything to be seen. I see you. Her gift to me has been the most difficult to measure, but impossible to overstate. She never judges me or attempts to fix me. She also doesn't withhold her opinions or observations from me either, which is something that is deeply important to me if someone is going to be a friend to me. I know a lot of people have people in their lives that shoot the messenger. I've never been that person. Tell me. And Skatara is a person who will say the thing. Same thing with Pradea. She never dismisses me, minimizes mine, or her own feelings or thoughts, and nor does she turn away just because the conversation gets uncomfortable, because it's bringing up something she might be struggling with. She challenges firmly, but also with grace, compassion, and softness. Something I have struggled to give myself. Something I am learning to give myself each day. She also doesn't buy into the broader, strong black woman archetype. She actively challenges and dismantles it because she sees clearly the harm it has caused herself, the harm it has caused me, and the harm it causes others. Real healing often begins not when someone gives us the perfect advice, but when someone is willing to sit beside us and gently challenge us long enough that we finally stop to realize that our beautifully decorated prison is a gilded cage, one of our own making most times. and high-fived me as I'm drowning, which is something that a lot of people do because showing up for someone in the ways that they actually need oftentimes exposes a person to how they fail others. And that's something that a lot of people don't want to look at. And it exposes people to how they feel themselves too. Because if the strongest person you don't, if the strongest person you know is having a moment of weakness, what does that possibly say about you? What does it say about how you have propped them up? What does it say about the ways in which you feel yourself? Rarely do we ever have these types of character and conversations, Gotara and I. Rarely do we engage in toxic optimism, cheer false cheerleading, toxic positivity. And that's one of the things that I 110% appreciate about her. She doesn't carry a torch in any attempt to erase my darkness, even when we've talked about some of the darkest topics, she tends to flame. And within it, and in doing so, she reminds me where to find my own. And to sc to into Skatara, I say, Thank you, Queen. You have become an integral part of my world, my chosen family. You are my sister. And I love you deeply.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

And with every bit of my soul. I am deeply honored to know you. And I hope that knowing continues. And I hope that I give to you. Even an eight stuff to give to me. Because the gift that you gave me is infinitely different to me. And I am so very thankful to be blessed with the plan.