The Create Yourself Podcast
The Create Yourself Podcast celebrates the messy but beautiful journey of coming back to our true selves.
Each week, Rachael shares her stories and experiences of showing up without a mask on, and the way her world is shifting as a result.
Episodes drop weekly. Come as you are.
The Create Yourself Podcast
You don't have to hit rock bottom.
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Welcome back to the Create Yourself podcast!
This week I'm talking about alcohol. Not the "rock bottom, blackout drunk, ends up in rehab" story. That was never mine. And for years, that's exactly why it was so hard to admit alcohol was actually a problem for me at all.
I get honest about the real timeline. Quitting cold turkey the first time, right after my separation, when a couple of big glasses of red wine a night were the only thing numbing the pain of being away from my son.
Then, a year later my 40th birthday rolled around. I told myself I'd "reset my relationship with alcohol," but one drink at a girls' weekend put me straight back in the cycle.
I also get into why just "cutting back" was never going to work for me, and why building an actual identity as someone who's alcohol-free, not someone who's trying to be, is what's finally making it stick.
As always, I lay it all out there, no filters or frills - and it's my hope that my story will help you if there's something you're feeling ready to let go of.
If you liked this episode and want to support the show, please like, share, and give it a 5 star review. Your support means everything to me!
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— Cold open: highlights from the episode ahead
SPEAKER_00Everyone was drinking and it all felt really normal, so I would just say to myself, well, you can just drink because it's normal and you're not doing anything differently to anyone else. The pain and agony that I experienced from being separated from him was so deep and so strong that I would have a couple of glasses of red wine every night just to numb it. I need to feel better. I need to relax. I need to feel less self-conscious. And that was the point where I was like, I just need to stop this. I gotta stop.
unknownJust for a problem, just for a day.
SPEAKER_00Okay, this week I want to talk about something
— This week's topic: alcohol, and the on-and-off dilemma with it
SPEAKER_00uh that is kind of, I guess, a topic that uh has been relevant for me for quite a while, something that I kind of struggle with on and off. Sometimes I feel really good about it, and sometimes I feel like completely uh useless or confused about it, and that is the topic of alcohol. And I want to talk about it today because um, you know, like I definitely don't have it all figured out, but I have some theories and thoughts about it, and I feel like I'm not the only one that struggles with this kind of dilemma of can I drink or can I not drink? And the reason that I feel like it's what I would call a bit of a dilemma is this day and age
— You don't have to be a "raging alcoholic" to have a problem with drinking
SPEAKER_00we have what you would classify as like an alcoholic, right? It's somebody that starts drinking and then they get absolutely shit faced. They can't stop drinking once they start until they get like blackout drunk. And it's that classic story where someone, you know, has been drinking in excess for a really, really long time and then they do something terrible, they end up in rehab, and then they become sober. Um, and that's just not my story to sobriety. My journey to sobriety has been really challenging, and I think it's because I was not that version of an alcoholic. I was just like a sort of a typical person that drinks alcohol um in a similar way to her friends, but I had a lot of noise in my head about it. And you know, I would there was just something inside me when I drank that was saying to me it's not like it is for them, for you, like the way that you drink is different, even though you're drinking just as much as them, and even though you're drinking the same thing as them, you stop when they stop, there is something different about what alcohol does to you than what it does to them. And so I want to go into that today. I want to talk about that. I want to talk about the fact that you don't have to be a raging alcoholic to have a problem with alcohol. And then I want to talk about how I recognize the signs that I needed to stop and also my journey to stopping. And I would like to st to say that I have stopped for good, but I have over the last four years, five years, I have stopped and started probably about four times now. So I'm not going to say that it is done yet, because you know, future Rachel might have different ideas, but I guess the goal this time around is to figure out a way and a strategy to stop myself from going back to it, um, and to prevent myself from telling myself stories about why it's okay to drink. There's a very sort of classic and common story that I tell myself, and I wonder whether you've ever experienced that yourself. Um, and I'll talk about that too. But I guess I'll talk about the relationship
— The cycle: big nights out, brutal hangovers, telling herself it's normal
SPEAKER_00that I had with alcohol and what came up for me the first time that I stopped drinking and and kind of why that happened. I had been quite sort of sober curious for a while, and I would find myself saying things like, like if I had a big night or you know, went out and had drinks for someone's birthday, or I was a mum to a young child, so I wasn't on it or anything all the time. I would just be drinking sort of normally like everyone else. But if we would have like a kid's birthday party or something, and everyone was drinking and we would all have a few drinks, and everyone was having a good time, and I so I would just let my hair down and be like, fuck it, you know, I'm gonna have a big night. Um, I know it's gonna suck having a hangover tomorrow, but I can figure it out. And I would get to the hangover and I would be like, I'm never doing that again. I feel like shit, it was awful. Um, I don't need to be doing this. I am a healthy person and I will not do this again. But then the next opportunity would roll up, and sure enough, I would find myself uh in a group of people where everyone was drinking and it all felt really normal. So I would just say to myself, Well, you can just drink because it's normal and you're not doing anything differently to anyone else. However, my hangovers were not just like a one-day thing, and they weren't mild either. Like I would get super, super hungover to the point where I wouldn't be able to eat, to the point where the next day, some days I would be sick. Um, and then once I was over the sort of like acute part of the hangover, I would spend the next three or four days feeling really sad and anxious. And it would just be this really like noisy narrative in my head telling me how bad I was, I was a terrible mother, I was a shit person, um, I'm terrible with alcohol, I need to stop drinking. And so I got myself into this really sort of vicious cycle where I would drink and stop and drink and stop. Um, but I just don't think I was ready to call it yet. Like I hadn't had that moment where I had been able to be really honest with myself and say that alcohol is doing more bad things for me than it is good, and I need to stop. So when I actually did stop drinking for the first time, I think there were a couple of things that helped me or that pushed me, I guess, to the point of stopping. And the first thing was I uh went through a separation,
— What pushed her to quit the first time: separation, numbing the pain with red wine
SPEAKER_00and in the initial weeks following the separation, I was apart from my son for extended periods of time for the first time. And he was quite small, he was two and a half, and the pain and agony that I experienced from being separated from him was so deep and so strong that I would have a couple of glasses of red wine every night just to numb it. And it kind of worked, it kind of helped, it took the edge off, just made me feel less um, yeah, I guess less on edge. Uh, I was still sad, but I think it just was almost like it was like a companion for me when I was really, really lonely. I was spending a lot of time by myself. It was actually during lockdown as well. So I wasn't seeing anyone. I was spending a lot of time by myself when I was just becoming this person that had a couple of red wines every day. And they would and they were decent-sized wines, by the way. You know, you get these bowl cups, and um I would definitely be quite generous with my paws. So I felt this real I guess numbness from the drinking. It helped me numb. I just didn't actually want to feel anything. And over time, because I was having these couple of reds every day, what started to happen was that I became really, really sad because my emotions started to be the same emotions that I was numbing became amplified by the booze. The next day, or when I had Harper, my son, um, and I wasn't drinking, I would just be sad. I would just be really, really sad. And I remember um this one particular moment where I had him and I was reading a book to him, and I was thinking about the fact that he was gonna go back to his dad. And he was with me, like he was in my arms, and I was thinking about him leaving again, and that was enough to set me off. I couldn't like I couldn't handle the idea that he would have to leave again. I just started crying, and I remember him saying, like, oh mummy, are you okay? And I was like, Yeah, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop crying, and then I put him to bed and I still couldn't stop crying, and then I had a shower and I was still crying, and then I was like, I can't stop, I can't stop crying. My emotions were just so like amplified and intense and deep. And I guess what I had been doing was numbing out and not crying, so that when I did cry, the floodgates would just burst open and then I could not control my emotions. Um, and that was the point where I was like, I just need to stop this. I gotta stop. I need to cut alcohol altogether, it is not for me. So I read a book. I was like, I need something that's gonna really inspire me. At the time, I uh I had actually already downloaded an audiobook uh by Russell Brand, which is Recovery. And I had I had downloaded it before I had stopped drinking,
— Russell Brand's Recovery audiobook and going cold turkey
SPEAKER_00like probably a year before I actually really stopped. So this is how long I had had this noise in my head about stopping drinking before I actually stopped. Um, so I had this book just sitting there. So I started reading that because I knew that I would need something to kind of like reset my mindset around alcohol, and then I just stopped like cold turkey. And I think I probably did have some withdrawal. I probably got headaches and was extra sad and like you know, grumpy and all the things that you feel when you stop doing something that your brain and system have become reliant upon for a while. But then things kind of leveled out and I just started to feel good again. And although the pain and sadness of not having my son was still there and it was still quite intense, it had lessened in its ability to, I guess, just take me out and completely wipe me out. Um, I was now able to manage the emotions better, and I found myself doing things with my time that were more productive. Uh, I got back into journaling, started to sort of look after my mental health a bit more, and things just became easier. And then after about a month, I actually just didn't think about it at all. Like the booze had left, and then I had no desire to drink again. My body, my system, my mind, like everything was absolutely loving, not drinking. So fast forward to about a year later, it's my birthday, and I think I was turning 40, and you know how it goes, it's just this sneaky little moment where I had organized a girls' weekend and everyone
— Feeling good again after about a month alcohol-free
SPEAKER_00was going, and you know, I knew there would be booze there, and I think for whatever reason, I had told myself you've reset your relationship with alcohol now. It's okay to drink, just have like one or two bubbles for you for your birthday, and that'll be fine. You know, all
— The 40th birthday "reset" that pulled her back in
SPEAKER_00your friends drink. You weren't drinking any more than they do. So it's fine, you can just go and have a drink. So I did. I went away, had a drink, and that was just the beginning of it, right? That's just where it began again, and I bec found myself back in the cycle of having a couple of wines a night, and it was just pretty immediate. So I I guess I I think the second time around, I think I made it a few months before I realized, like, no, I don't want to go back to that. I want to stay alcohol-free, so I stopped drinking again. Uh, and then that probably took me through till Christmas when there was another opportunity to be normal, quote unquote normal, and have a drink with my family. And I was just like, okay, someone offered me a drink, and instead of saying no, I don't drink, um, you know, thanks, but no thanks, I just didn't say anything and I took the drink. And something that I've noticed is about myself is that if I don't have a really clear image of myself as someone that is alcohol-free uh by choice, and I don't want to, and I am a
— Relapsing again at Christmas by staying quiet instead of saying no
SPEAKER_00person that just doesn't drink alcohol, if I don't have a really clear idea of that identity, then I am a person that can drink when she feels like it and is no different to anyone else. But it's that is just a story, you know. I talked about my story before, like in the last episode about dating. I also have a story that I tell myself about drinking, which is I can drink
— The story she tells herself: "I don't drink any differently to anyone else"
SPEAKER_00just the same way anyone else can drink, and uh it doesn't I don't have a problem with alcohol, but I do because if I didn't I wouldn't have this noise in my head and it wouldn't affect me in such a huge way, and so my alcohol problem is unique to me, it's not the same as anyone else's, and if I compare myself to the person that you know drinks to excess and ends up blacking out, no, well I I don't drink that way, I drink in a far more sort of moderated way than that, but the effects that I get from drinking in the way that I drink are just as damaging for me, but they erode my uh sense of self-worth. They make me feel the effects make me feel sad, anxious, lonely, not good enough, like a bad mother. Um and when I drink, I feel like I need it, like I don't just want it, I feel like I need it, like I need to feel better, I need to relax, I need to um feel less self-conscious, I need to feel more confident, I need to have more fun, I'm bored, this is a boring, I don't know, this is a boring night. I just want to have some booze and make it better, or I'm on a date and this guy is kind of not that thrilling, so I'll just have a couple of drinks, or I'm on a date and I'm really nervous because this guy is really thrilling, so I'll have a couple of drinks. Like the alcohol gave me something that I was not able to generate myself, and it was in a way, it was like it was like a really convenient mask for me. It was an out, it was an opportunity to get out of doing some work that I needed to do on myself to be able to deal with these situations. So whether it was the emotional situation with my son, or the you know, the confidence being back out in the dating world, or just going to a gig where I don't like the music or like stuff, that's ridiculous. Like pushing myself to do things that I don't enjoy doing and using alcohol as the secret weapon to get all the shit that I don't want to do done.
— Alcohol as a mask: using it to avoid discomfort and hard feelings
SPEAKER_00Um but what if I just didn't do things I didn't want to do? What if I just didn't go on dates with people that I wasn't really that interested in, or said, you know, when it was time for another drink, I'm good, I'm gonna go now. Um and what if I just sort of allowed myself to feel feelings when I'm sad and just allow myself to cry and allow myself to feel lonely and sit with feelings of discomfort. And I think doing all of those things without alcohol is scary, it's hard, it's um unsettling. But being alcohol-free has actually given me it's given me the opportunity to work through some shit that I was trying to avoid. Um what we resist persists, and so all that stuff that uh I was using alcohol to sort of band-aid my way through, it never went anywhere, it was always there. It it needed to be examined. Um and so I guess it brings me to now. Um I don't drink, I am not a drinker, I don't want to return to drinking ever. Uh, because you know, there's that saying from Einstein, uh you're repeating something and expecting a different outcome is the definition of crazy. Sorry. If I go back to alcohol and tell myself that it's totally fine and I can handle the booze and it's all good, um, and expect a different outcome,
— Where she's at now: the Einstein quote and the women who inspire her to stay alcohol-free
SPEAKER_00then I'm kind of crazy for doing that, right? And I don't want to be that person that is stuck in a negative cycle that can't get off. Um, and you know, some of the people that I really look up to in this world don't drink. In fact, most of the women that I look look up to in this world don't drink. Brene Brown, Glenn and Doyle, um, Martha Beck, Elizabeth Gilbert, my mum, they all are either completely alcohol-free or very low alcohol in my mum's case. Um, and they were brave enough to make that decision and to let it go and to deal with all the shit that they were not dealing with when they were drinking, and that gives me hope and it's inspiring to me, and I want to be an inspiring person to my son. Um, and I just want to be honest with myself, and when I say that, what I mean is I want to be honest with myself, and when I'm feeling something, I don't want to ignore that feeling, I want to follow that feeling, and I think alcohol's just been this way that I've been able to deflect the feeling, ignore it, override it, or give me this false sense of confidence that is really just another form of a mask. I wonder whether people that have difficulty just allowing themselves to be who they are. Um, I wonder whether they also struggle with addiction or, you know, whether they have their vices that they lean into to sort of avoid the discomfort of being them. I certainly know for me that that was the case. Um so you know, you actually get a lot back when
— Checking in with her intuition instead of reaching for a drink
SPEAKER_00you stop something that was stopping you from being you or stopping you from doing what you really wanted to do because you just start asking yourself um and checking in with your intuition. Like I would check in and say, What do I want to do? You know, if I got an invite somewhere to a gig or a bar or a date or anything, I would check in with myself and I wouldn't say like I don't really want to do that, but if I have a few drinks, it'll be fine. I would say to myself, I don't really want to do that. Period. And then I would say no, like I don't like that music, so I'm not going. And there'll be a whole bunch of drunk people there, and I don't drink, and that's just not gonna be fun for me. And recently I had a invite from a friend to go out for a few drinks, and I I hadn't actually told her that I don't drink anymore because when we last caught up for a drink, I was drinking then. It was before Easter and I hadn't stopped or I hadn't decided like that's it. So uh I had had a few drinks with her and it it was a chill night. We just had a few wines and it was nothing crazy. So why would she think that I had an issue with drinking? Um, but again, I think maybe there's part of me that like there's a bit of shame there for sure.
— The near slip: a friend who didn't know she'd stopped drinking
SPEAKER_00Um, but there's also this perhaps there's this little part inside you that's like your uh your inner dependence on something that wants to keep it quiet so that if you need it again, you can have it. Like if you don't tell anyone, then you can get it back. Um and I wonder, like, because I I don't want it back. And if you ask me today, I would like fully say, hand on heart, I would say to you, I I don't want to drink again, I never want to drink again, I'm done. I hate what it does for me, and I would list off, rattle off all the reasons that I rattled off, and I would also say, and yes, I know that it sounds like I drink just like you, but the effect that it has on me is different because I get that one a lot. Like, oh, that's just how I drink. That doesn't sound like a problem. Um, so perhaps keeping it quiet is subconsciously my way of keeping the door open in case I want to go back to this sneaky fucker of a habit. Um but I guess I'm saying it on a podcast now, so I'm not really keeping it quiet. Um and and that's a good thing. So going back to the the the night where my girlfriend asked me for a couple of drinks and um she didn't know that I didn't drink, and I didn't even say when she asked me that I wasn't gonna be drinking. I just was like, yep, sure. And then I found myself taking a beat and going, like, maybe I will just have a drink. I love this friend of mine, she is so much fun. Um, we haven't been able to go out and have like a girl's night for a really long time. We're both single. This this is fun, like we can just have a fun night. We don't have our kids. Um, but that part of me that was wanting those things, it's like this there is this little glimmer of hope of like I get to feel a feeling of excitement and I get to escape my body for a little bit, and you know, and and I do just love that feeling of going out and having fun and celebrating and you know, having a couple of drinks to really amplify that. And so, you know, it's not always a negative experience drinking, like sometimes it actually feels really good, but it's the hangover afterwards that doesn't feel good for me, and the self-talk, the anxiety, and the sort of the crippling anxiety, and the rumination, and and that what goes on for days that that's what I can't cope with. Um, so I kind of thought about that. I played it out of my head a little bit, and I was really, it was like I had an angel and a and a devil on each shoulder telling me what to do. Uh, so I ended up calling another friend who does know that I've stopped drinking, and I just said to her, Look, I'm not an AA, I don't have a sponsor, but I need you to talk me out of something really that I'm gonna do that would be really bad. And she was awesome, she was fucking solid, and she just said, How will you feel about yourself if you do this? Like you, you are really strong, and you've done this before, you can do it again. She was just like so supportive and kind and just allowed me to put it in perspective, and so I went back to my friend and I said, I'm coming over, I'm not gonna be drinking, but don't worry, I'll bring a couple of non-alcoholic drinks. And she was like immediately, my friend was like, Oh yeah, I can make us some mocktails, and she was like all for it, she was totally supportive of it. Um, and it was fine. I think I I I had just made it to be something way bigger than it needed to be in my own head. So now I'm sitting with this question of how do I sustain an alcohol-free life? How do I sustain it going forward forever, knowing that there may be a future version of
— Calling a friend to talk her out of it, mocktails saving the night
SPEAKER_00me that wants to fuck me over and take me back and tell myself a story about why it's okay. Um, because there probably is, let's be honest. And so maybe you know, I join a group, maybe I do get myself into a recovery group, because I think the idea of just having a support system where you have those people that you can speak to, you're checking in um often and you're going to these meetings and you're talking about um and hearing stories from other people about why they don't drink. And and even if the story is different to yours and you don't relate the same way to alcohol that they do, I think just being in a room full of people that have chosen not to drink because they know that their lives are better without it, having that in common with a group of people and sort of showing up to hold myself accountable, that would be a great way for me to stay on this track and to remain honest to myself and to keep showing up as just me without needing that uh crutch to lean on.
— The bigger question: how to sustain an alcohol-free life for good
SPEAKER_00Do you have any crutches that you're leaning on at the moment? Are there any things in your life that you want to review that perhaps are not serving you that you use to either feel better or to numb out or to just plain avoid feeling something? Um, and if there are I would like to invite you to review that and to examine that and just see what's there, see see what's going on there for you. Um each week I offer a journal prompt. Uh why I do this is I am a massive fan of journaling. I find it so helpful. I think it's better than speaking to someone because you are allowing your thoughts to find some space to breathe. Um, you're putting everything here out here where you can make sense of it. And you're letting those words come out without restriction. Um, and I think when we do that, we are able to release, particularly if you're an overthinker like me, we're able to release the thoughts that have been spiraling, give them a sort of a home to land in, and then make sense of them, pull insight and and lessons from what we have to say or what's been circulating in our heads. So that's why I love journaling. And uh, if you haven't done it before, you don't have to be like dead
— A question for you: what crutches are you leaning on right now?
SPEAKER_00diary and and you know write for pages and pages. I just typically pick up my journal and if I've got something spinning in my head, I write my thoughts down until I feel like it's out. And sometimes I write for pages and pages, and sometimes it's just one page or a couple of paragraphs. Um, but it always helps, it never not helps. So here's the journaling prompt that I want to offer you. What am I leaning on at the moment that I want to let go of? Have a go with that,
— Why she journals and how to start
SPEAKER_00see what comes out. If you do feel like sharing in the comments, I would love to hear what came up for you. And if this story is relatable for you, and if you are perhaps toying with the idea of giving something up, whether it's booze or some other kind of habit that's not serving you at the moment, um, I want to just offer you this to think about. Who are you when you're not doing that habit? So, what is the identity that you are looking to embody that is not reliant on that habit to feel a certain way? And think about that because when we're letting something go, it's really, really hard to create a new habit without having an idea of who we are when we're not doing that bad habit, or perhaps who we are when we're doing the good habit, if we're introducing a good habit. And this comes from James Clare's Atomic Habits, which is just the freaking best book about starting habits. If you haven't read it and you're wanting to start a new habit or kick an old one, highly recommend it. But he talks about um what is the identity of the person that you're looking to create that does this habit. So who am I when I don't drink, for example? Um, and that is a very, very powerful way to get yourself into a new mindset
— This week's journaling prompt
SPEAKER_00and to let go of an identity that has not been serving you. So have a go at using that frame if you are looking at switching it up, and good luck. It's not a linear journey, trust me. So that's it for this week. Thank you for your time and attention, and I hope you have an awesome week ahead. I will look forward to seeing you on the next one.