Confessions from a singles night

In this episode I get honest about dating in my 40s, and about the night I almost talked myself out of going to an over 40 singles night. I share how I nearly said no outright, and how I only agreed once I could frame it as "just being my friend's wing woman," so I didn't have to admit I was actually putting myself out there.

I dig into why dating apps have left so many of us exhausted, why almost everyone at that singles night said the exact same thing when I asked what brought them there, and what happened when I stopped performing a "dateable" version of myself and just let myself be blunt, funny, and completely unfiltered. I also share the surprise connection I walked away with, and the question I'm sitting with about the stories we all tell ourselves to avoid the things that scare us.

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Transcript

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I got a message from my friend maybe a month ago saying, do I want to go to an over 40 singles night? And I thought, fuck no. I would rather be watching one of my, you know, scary Netflix crime documentaries than going out into the real world, putting myself out there and meeting someone. Subconsciously, I am creating a narrative that gets me out of doing something that scares the shit out of me. Literally every single guy and woman that I spoke to all had the exact same thing to say when I asked them why are you here? Like what brought you here. This one was a little bit nerve-wracking to make because it's about dating. Okay, not gonna lie, this one was a little bit nerve-wracking to make because it's about dating. Um, and quite more specifically, going to a singles night, and even more specifically, going to an over 40s singles night, because I have arrived at a place in life where I am single and in my 40s. First of all, I want to say um right off the bat that I found the whole experience to be absolutely 100% not what I thought it was gonna be like. I had all these preconceived ideas about what I was gonna experience at this over 40 singles night. And I'll give you a clue, most of them were really negative. Um, and I kind of want to talk about that today because I feel like I get in my own way all the time by sort of throwing my story on top of a or my narrative on top of a particular situation that I'm scared of. And I think what I'm doing in those moments is subconsciously, I am creating a narrative that gets me out of doing something that scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. And I don't know if that's relatable to you or not, but I guess in the dating world, um, and I've been in the dating world for a while now, I've been in this space, in this sort of single dating world space for coming up over five years actually. And I have had good dating experiences and really bad dating experiences and everything in between. And what I would say about every single one of those experiences is that they would never have happened had I not put myself out there in the first place. And what I've noticed about myself getting into my mid-40s now, I'm 44, I have totally kind of withdrawn myself from the dating scene. Now, I have reasons for that. So, some very valid reasons as well. Life is busy. I have a seven-year-old, I'm a single mom, I'm running a business, and just life is busy. I have two animals. I don't feel like I have a lot of downtime. And when I do, to be honest, I kind of want to hang out with my friends, and I don't want to waste time on I say this in inverted comments because I I don't necessarily think it's a waste of time, but I think that's my story coming through. I'm wasting my time, like I could be doing other things. Um, and the danger of that is that if I tell myself the story that it's safer to be at home, it's safer to be on the couch, I would rather be watching one of my you know scary Netflix crime documentaries than going out into the real world, putting myself out there and meeting someone. I'm telling myself that I'm too busy, my life is so full, I have everything I want. And to be honest, all of those stories are really true. But on the other side of that, it would be awesome if I met someone. Like I'm totally not against the idea of it. I'm open to meeting someone. But after using the apps for years and years and years, I just kind of got to a point where I had dating fatigue. And I don't know if you've been through this, but you know, you kind of just it's like another job that you have to be doing. And initially there was it was fun, like it was there was a bit of novelty about it. Uh, you get some matches, and of course, you get that little hit of dopamine, and then you start chatting, and they seem awesome, and then you get yourself all dressed up and you go on a date and you drive across to the other side of fucking Auckland, and then you get there, and you're like, oh shit, this is a waste of makeup. This was a waste of makeup and time and petrol. Um, and it's just one of those things, right? Like, it's really hard to meet that person, and so I have found myself in this position now in my mid-40s where I just can't be bothered. Like, I know it sounds really bad, but I just can't be bothered. I can't be bothered getting out of my comfy clothes and putting on makeup and driving across town. It's just where I have found myself. So, back to the singles night, because that's where we're going with the story. I got a message from my friend maybe a month ago saying, Do I want to go to an over 40 singles night? And I thought, fuck no. Honestly, I was like, no, I don't. No thanks. Um, good luck with that. But then um, I gave it some time and thought about it, and she had sort of framed it as you can come as my wing woman. And that caveat was it all I needed. I was like, actually, perfect, because I don't want to meet someone, I'm not in, I'm not in the headspace where I want to be out there hunting for someone, but I can be a kick-ass wingwoman. And if I go being a wing woman, then I'm not actually putting myself out there. See what I'm doing here? You see what how I'm telling myself a story? So I told myself this story that I was going along as wingwoman, it was gonna be really weird and awkward, and I was not gonna enjoy it, but because I was there as wingwoman, fuck it, who cares? Nothing to lose. I just go along and I'll mix and mingle and I'll observe, and then I'll have a really funny story for afterwards. Um, so that was the story I told myself, was a pretty convincing one. And so my girlfriend and I, we go along to this singles night, and we weren't actually sure what to expect. We both thought perhaps there'd be like this really high saturation of women, maybe just a couple of guys. But actually, the um there was quite a good ratio of men to women, and so we walked in, and initially it was kind of quiet and was a little bit awkward, and there was just a few people there, and you kind of you walk in and you make eye contact and you're looking around and you feel a little bit like this is this is really cringe. But we went and we found a seat, and we grabbed a drink, went and found a seat, sat down, we're sitting there sort of giggling and laughing nervously, and then this guy just comes and sits down in front of us and starts talking to us, just chatting away. And the weirdest thing happened, I just felt like totally relaxed. I felt like this is this is actually fine. In fact, this is kind of fun because what I realized was as the night went on, especially, the men were really brave. They were doing most of the hunting and most of the chasing, and they would find themselves seated at tables with women because the women, by the way, came in pairs, like that was that was the other thing. The women came in pairs, and I feel like it's a safety and numbers thing, like we're not so good at putting ourselves out there solo. Like, I know there's no way that I would have gone to that thing by myself. Um and so what I noticed was yeah, that the women were there in pairs or groups, and the men, like quite a few of the men, came alone, like came solo. Hats off to them, man, because that is scary. Like it's a scary thing to do, it's a really brave thing to do, um, to put yourself out there and to go alone. So I was actually quite impressed by that. But what I noticed was it was set up in such a way that I guess everyone knows everyone's status, right? Because it's a singles night, and I don't know why this should occur to me to be such a strange thing or like such a light bulb moment, but you know, when you normally go to a bar uh and it's just like a normal night, everyone that's there, you know, you might get some people that are single and some people that are there that are in relationships, but nobody knows each other's relationship status. So I think as a result, guys might see girls and they might see women and they might feel like, oh, I, you know, I kind of like the look of her, but there's no way I'm gonna approach her because she's probably got a boyfriend. And then women are usually just engrossed in our own world. Like, I don't know about you, but when I go to bars with my friends these days, we just sit and we chat and we have a great time, and we don't, you know, we don't put ourselves out there or go up and start chatting away to men. We just that's not why we're there, we're there to catch up with each other. But in this situation, in this very unique environment where you've got a room full of single people, it takes away the guesswork. So everyone's single. And what I noticed was was that the guys would just rock up and start chatting to women. And I was trying to think about like why they were being so brave, like, how did they have this courage to do that? And and what I came up with, and and this is what occurred to me, is that the room is full of single women. So if this woman here that I'm talking to is not interested in me, there's a whole room full of single women, so I can find another one to chat to, and maybe like it's a numbers game, and eventually one of them likes me. So I do think in some ways it's a good thing because there's no ambiguity, there's no one pretending to be single that's not, and there's no one like hiding. So that part of the equation is on the table, clear for all to see, and therefore it breaks down the confusion and it sort of levels the playing field. So my friend and I um ended up just staying pretty much glued to the wall the whole night. Um, I'm not gonna lie, I did not feel brave enough to get up and mingle and walk the room, but I was quite happy to sit there and I had a few conversations, and you know, it was just, I think if anything, it was really great practice to have an authentic conversation with another human of the opposite sex where you are just being yourself and getting to know them. It was a really good opportunity for me to practice being in alignment with me and showing up as the real authentic me. And I think what kind of helped me as well was this idea that I'm not hunting, I'm not looking for someone. Um, you know, if I met someone, that would be amazing, but that's not the agenda, that's not the goal in my life at the moment. So I could just sort of relax and just really just be myself. And I don't know if I've ever really been able to do that in a dating situation in the past. I think maybe, you know, you have your nerves and you want to put on your best front and you want to come across as someone that's appealing and attractive. And when you strip away this, when you strip away like this presentable persona uh that you put on when you go dating, and you can just be your authentic self, like the same me that would be chatting to one of my friends. What I noticed was I was just able to connect more easily with people. It just felt like I was enjoying myself. Felt like I was able to be silly and able to be a little bit funny and you know, let a few F bombs slide, because let's be honest, she likes to swear. And um I I just found that I was way more me, I felt way more comfortable than I've ever felt in any dating scenario in my life. And I, regardless of whether I was attracted to the person or not, I genuinely enjoyed connecting and getting to know people. Um so that was a pleasant surprise for me. And then the other thing that I want to talk about that I learned on this night out was that literally every single guy and woman that I spoke to at this singles night all had the exact same thing to say when I asked them why you're here, like what brought you here? They all said, I am sick of the dating apps, I'm sick of it. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, it's hard to meet someone, it feels like everyone's sort of playing games on there, people ghost you. And so that was the first thing they would say, and then the second thing they would say is, but where the heck am I gonna meet someone? Like, where am I supposed to meet someone if it's not on the apps? So this was kind of like the next thing. Like, this is this is an option, it is a viable and honestly like a really solid option for meeting people because you get to do the chemistry gauge thing, you get to have a conversation in person where you're not perfecting your answers or perhaps taking a really long time to respond, and therefore you don't get any kind of momentum building. It's real life and it's how we used to do things before we had these fucking apps. I remember, man, like I remember going to bars, and maybe we actually tried a little bit harder back then, and I'm appreciate how old I sound saying this, but before we had that, we would go and we would talk to people, and people actually made an effort because there was no other way to meet someone, you know, like you didn't have an app, you couldn't like someone's photo, you just had to go up and say to the person in real life, can I buy you a drink? or whatever we said to each other. So I feel like things have changed now, and everything has become so bloody so fast, so easy, and I think we've taken we've taken the meaning and the connection out of dating. We've made it this virtual thing that is um as easy as you know scrolling on Instagram, and we almost get the same kind of dopamine hit from swiping. I don't think that we're showing up as the best version of ourselves when we do that. And I certainly know that I wasn't, which was another reason why I stopped using the apps, because I just feel like if it has become this thing where it's just sort of flicking, liking, not liking while I'm watching TV without really putting any thought into it, then it's kind of pointless, and I'm not doing anyone, myself included, but also the people that I'm swiping on. I'm not doing anyone any favors by bringing that kind of energy to the way I'm using the apps. So so I think what I'm learning is that many of us are in this position where we would love to meet someone, but we have app exhaustion and we're over the apps, we're looking for real connection, and we just don't know where we're gonna find that. It's not that easy. I think we're all just after real human connection, but we don't know how to do that anymore because we are so chronically online, and I think the likes of these singles nights are actually what everyone has been yearning for. And even if you go along to one of these things and you don't meet someone, I don't think it's the end of the world. I think it's really good practice for showing up in life as a real human, connecting with real humans. Because if you hide away and if you do what I did, which is to tell yourself the story that the couch is just far more comfortable, and I don't need to meet someone, and life is really good, and yeah, that'd be nice. But if you start telling yourself that story, then you're robbing yourself of the potential to meet someone amazing. And who's to say that you're not gonna meet someone amazing? So you're probably wondering, how did I get on? Well, I had some good conversations, and I had some weird conversations as well, and I did end up making one connection, which was surprising because, as we know, I was 100% not thinking that that would happen. But the interesting thing is that in showing up and just being me and being really authentic and just allowing myself to relax, I think I attracted someone that is kind of on my wavelength, which is unusual for me because I normally would try a little bit harder and perhaps even mask a little bit and then end up attracting someone that was more in alignment with that masked version of me. But I think I attracted someone that was a little bit more my vibe, which is interesting to me because I have been doing a lot of exploration of the law of attraction and being in alignment, and I know how it all works, and I would say that like attracts like. So whoever we're being is who we will attract, and because I was able to just be myself, I think I attracted someone that is more on my wavelength. Now, I'll keep you posted on how it goes. We have a date this Friday, which is which is cool. We'll see. I'm not gonna put too much, I'm not putting too much pressure on myself. I'm just gonna again relax, enjoy it, and treat it as an opportunity to connect with a real human, have a good conversation, and just be open to wherever it goes. So this experience has taught me a lot. It's given me quite a lot of food for thought around getting out of my comfort zone and you know the stories that I'm telling myself and just being able to show up as myself and actually showing up in the first place. Um and I wanted to ask you a question. So, what is an area in your life, whether it's dating or maybe some other area, where you're telling yourself a convenient story, a narrative that is stopping you from pushing into something that is maybe a little bit uncomfortable, awkward, or scary. If you feel called to explore this space a little bit more deeply, I want to offer you a journaling prompt. What's a story that I'm telling myself right now to avoid something scary? Stream of consciousness, just throw words on the page, don't think about it too much, and see what comes through for you, see what insights and learnings and lessons you get from going through this journaling experience. I thank you for joining me this week, and thank you for sitting with me in a really awkward and uncomfortable space and allowing me to share something quite vulnerable with you. I hope that it helps you, uh, whether you are like me and you are kind of out there in the dating space, or if you are just kind of avoiding something scary and you know that it is time that you just ripped the band aid off and did the thing. Okay, have a great week, and I'll see you next time.