My Story of Health Anxiety, OCD & Panic Attacks

Before I became the person talking about anxiety online, I was the girl who looked like she had it all together.

A 4.0 student. A perfectionist. An athlete. Someone constantly chasing achievement, approval, and the next milestone.

But underneath that picture-perfect life, I was exhausted.

In this deeply personal episode, I'm sharing the full story of how one terrifying panic attack in 2014 changed everything. What followed were years of panic attacks, debilitating health anxiety, OCD, emergency room visits, intrusive thoughts, derealization, and believing my life would never be the same again.

I'm also sharing how recovery wasn't a straight line, why anxiety returned years later in a different way, and how faith became the foundation that carried me through my darkest seasons.

If you've ever felt trapped by anxiety or wondered if you'll ever feel like yourself again, I hope this episode reminds you that healing is possible.

In This Episode

• What my life looked like before anxiety
• The perfectionism and pressure that were silently breaking me
• The night I experienced my very first panic attack
• Why I became convinced I was dying
• My struggle with health anxiety, OCD, intrusive thoughts, and constant reassurance seeking
• Emergency room visits, avoidance, and feeling completely hopeless
• How anxiety affected my relationships, school, and identity
• The role nutrition and becoming a registered dietitian played in my healing
• Why I started sharing my journey online
• The anxiety relapse that humbled me years later
• How my relationship with God transformed my recovery
• What I want Peace Over Panic to become for anyone who is struggling

If This Episode Helped You

If this episode encouraged you, I'd be so grateful if you would:

⭐ Follow or subscribe to the podcast
⭐ Leave a rating and written review
⭐ Share this episode with someone who needs hope today

Your support helps Peace Over Panic reach more people who are silently struggling with anxiety.

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📩 Follow along on Instagram: @health_anxiety

🌐 Website: peakofpanic.com

Remember

Healing doesn't happen overnight.

Recovery isn't about never feeling anxious again—it's about learning that anxiety no longer gets to decide how your story ends.

No matter where you are today, there is hope.

I'm so glad you're here.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Peace Over Panic podcast. I hope today's episode inspires you in some way. I'll be sharing my story from the beginning. And I think I've shared this, but there's so many new people, and there's such importance in sharing the things you've gone through. And if you've made it to the other side in any way, and when you make it to the other side in any way, it's so important you share that with somebody because it could be somebody's lifeline. Before I tell you about panic attacks, before emergency room visits, before the health anxiety, before I became the girl on the internet talking about anxiety, I want to tell you about the girl I was before all of that. I want to tell you about me because anxiety is just a part of my story. But if you had met me in 2017, I almost said 2017, but if you had met me in 2014, you would have thought I had this perfect life. And I honestly thought I did too. Felt like the universe and everything was on my side. Everything was going great. I was a full-time college student. I had amazing friends. I got the sorority I wanted. I was doing all the things. I met a boy, had a boyfriend. I mean, what could have been failing? I had a close family at home that loved me. I can't think of one area where there wasn't this fulfillment of the world, right? I was doing so great in school. I was healthy. I was running. I was fit. I was active. I was all these things that I thought were fulfilling. I had plans for my future and was just so focused on what my life would look like and always waiting for this, like the next thing. Never really like content with what everything, with everything I have, even though looking back, it's like you had so much, but there was still this whole missing. So from the outside, my life looked exactly the way I had always imagined it would. But the thing that nobody saw was how exhausted I was, the constant chasing of perfection in truly every single area of my life. Not one area was I not trying to be a perfectionist in. I believed my value came from achieving more, doing more, looking better, never letting anyone see me struggle. I didn't believe in it. I had perfect grades, 4.0 GPA GPA. I was prescribed Vivance and Adderall because I wanted to study harder, longer, and keep up this image I had created for myself. Um, I just didn't want to do well. I wanted to be the best. It was all I strived for. People were complimenting my body all the time because I put such emphasis on it. And I lived for all of that. I lived for all the accolades of this world. But what nobody knew was how little I was eating, how many miles I was running, how many hours I was stressing, how much time was spent in making things perfect. And at the time, did I think I had disordered eating? No. I just was so orthorexic and black and white with how I viewed what is good and bad. And yeah, looking back, yes, it was totally disordered eating and it was super unhealthy and probably, you know, really bad on my body, all I was doing, even though I thought it was quote unquote so healthy. I can say with compassion for that younger version of me, because she knew nothing. She thought she was chasing these goals, and this is how you get there. She thought she was disciplined. She thought she was all these things. She thought she was healthy. She thought she was doing it right and accomplishing everything, hitting every goal. She was in control of every area of her life. What could go wrong? Everything was perfect, right? But really, she was slowly running herself into destruction and into the ground. And not because it was some sort of self-sabotage or she hated her life, but she was doing it because she thought she had to earn this life and that there was this future reward. She thought that love, approval, safety, worth, all these things came from keeping everything together and everything perfect. And maybe you know that feeling too. Maybe there was a time in your life where you were trying to do everything to be perfect and it was suffocating looking back at it. And maybe your anxiety didn't start with a panic attack either. Maybe it started with pressure and the need to succeed and the accolades and perfection. And you look back at your whole life, you randomly get a panic attack one day and you realize I've been people pleasing, I've been living with perfection, I've been so hard on myself. I've been trying to be the strong one. I've been always trying to be this version of me that it was like, who am I? Who am I? I remember asking myself that. Never wanting to disappoint anyone, never wanting to be a problem, pushing my body past my limits, past my mind's limits, and referring to it as ambition. And I didn't know it then, but my body had been whispering for a very, very long time. Stop, slow down. You're doing too much. You're burning yourself out. Rest. Rest is good. My body was screaming at me, and I thought I was this perfect, healthy human. And it was screaming at me, you're not okay. It was screaming at me all these things, but I didn't want to listen to it because in my head, look at all I'm achieving. Why would I, why would I rest? Why would I not strive for perfection? I'm hitting it, right? I didn't know how or didn't even acknowledge those feelings. I didn't even think of those things. And then, you know, 2014 came. One ordinary night in September that I will never forget for the rest of my life. Everything changed in the blink of an eye. And I was getting ready for my friend's 21st birthday. That day I had class. And then I went and I ran on the treadmill with one of my friends. And I remember being on the treadmill and being like, something's weird. I didn't think twice about it. Didn't worry about things like that. I was focused, right? Should have been a normal night, a fun night. One of those college memories that you look back on and you laugh. I was partying a lot. I was drinking a lot and trying to keep up with the social life on top of all the perfections of being the best student, being all these things, balancing all of this. Let me tell you, it's hard. And that night something fell off. I couldn't explain it. I felt strange in my body. I tried to brush it off, but there was this internal shift in me. I just remember being like, this is weird. This is weird. And then just ignoring it. Whatever, whatever. And then like moving on. And then I get home from the dinner, and I'm just like, what is going on? And I'm trying not to think about it. And then I just get so sick and I feel so, so panicked. Like a sense of panic. I never didn't know what it was. I had no idea. I don't recall ever having panic attacks ever. If anything, I I took panic and I labeled it as ambition. I took panic and I labeled it as you're succeeding because look, you're you're that panic is a is a privilege, right? That was my very first real panic attack. And that night was so extremely traumatizing because I didn't know it was a panic attack. And when I say a panic attack, I don't mean I felt a little anxious. I truly was like, I'm dying, and how am I going to tell my family? I my body went into full alarm mode and it just gave up on me and said, enough is enough. My heart was racing. I felt dizzy. I felt my chest tighten. I felt nauseous. I felt uh like my brain was spacey. I had just this sense of impending doom, and my breathing felt so weird. My body literally felt like a foreign object to myself. Um, the room felt different. Everything around me felt different. I didn't know at the time, but I was experiencing severe derealization, depersonalization. My body was in full-blown adrenaline saying, stop. It was like you didn't listen to us. We've been saying, slow down, and you don't listen. So now we got to stop you. The only thought in my mind was truly, how am I gonna tell my family I'm dying? How am I gonna tell my family how much I hurt myself? And it was like in that moment, everything flashed in my brain of everything I've been doing to myself. And I had this like a massive wake-up call of, what have you been doing? And it's like it just hit me all at once that I was living in this extreme mode, and for what? For what? Like I it was like I was truly awakened on this one night. And if you've ever had that initial panic attack, you know exactly what I mean. There is a moment where your brain stops being logical and your body feels like it's betrayed you, and you just every sensation feels like you're dying, truly. A panic attack is so real. And if you've ever felt that I empathize with you so much because it's a memory that you carry with you, and though you don't have to let it control you forever, but it's a memory, it's trauma. And if no one's ever told you that, please know that like going through a panic attack, you've gone through some real trauma, and I'm sorry for that. People can tell you, like, hey, you're okay, it's just anxiety, but inside your body, nothing feels okay when you experience that. And so that night that was me, and I didn't know what was happening to me. And so I kept it to myself that night because, like I said, I was just so worried about telling my parents and so scared. And I sat alone in my room, terrified and confused, and just like, what is happening? And I remember the next morning, I don't even think I slept that night. I remember sitting on our townhome. I lived with three other girls, balcony, and thinking, what's wrong with me? I just had the all these intrusive thoughts that suddenly came to my brain. Like my brain had altered, and I felt like I had been handed some terminal illness that I was about to learn about, but no one else knew. And that was the only way I could think of it. Anxiety didn't even come to my brain because I was uneducated. I didn't know what anxiety was. There was this invisible line in my life before that night and after that night, a dividing line. And a lot of people look at that and think, I miss my life. I hear, I hear a lot of people ask me sometimes, like, will I ever be like I was before anxiety? And the answer is no, but but it's not a bad no, it's a good no. I knew something had changed in me that day. And I didn't know it then, but now I know it now. I needed that change. And that was the worst and the best day of my life all in one. So eventually that next day, I told my boyfriend, and he did what most people do when they don't understand anxiety. He was like, You'll be right, you'll be all right. Probably just maybe you're a little sick or something. And I know he meant well. And in my head too, I was like, Oh, he's totally right. Like, this is I probably just like don't feel well or something. Like, oh, this is gonna pass, you know? And then even part of me was like, oh my gosh, it's probably because you upped your dose on your ADHD medications. And, you know, maybe those just like aren't working for you right now and you need to get off of them. He didn't really know what to say. I didn't really know what to say. But if you've ever been in the middle of panic or health anxiety, you know that the sentence can feel you'll be all right. And your brain goes, but what if I'm not? Like my brain kept kind of bouncing back to like, I'm okay. And then it's like, well, what if I'm not okay? And what if I really did do damage to myself? Taylor, look at all you've done to yourself. Look at the life you've been living. You haven't been nourishing your body, you've been running it to the ground, you've been partying hard, you've been doing all these things that one aren't even of you. And how can you, how do you think you're healthy? That one panic attack became the beginning of a domino effect that, like I said, flipped my entire life upside down. At first, I convinced myself, like I said, was the medication. It had to be the ADHD medication. I'll just get off of it and all this will pass. Whatever this is, you know, this little like weird thing that's happening. That was the only explanation my brain could tolerate at that time. Like I said, the word anxiety wasn't in my brain. So I panicked and I was like, okay, I'm quitting this cold turkey. And I thought, okay, that's it. You know, oh my gosh, it was just the medication, just wasn't working for me anymore, and problem solved. No big deal, right? Wrong. But then panic came back, and that was within like a couple days without the meds. So then your brain goes, What is this? Like, I I must, I clearly must have something medical wrong, medically wrong with me. And that's when I really lost it. And I remember that was the I think funny enough, it was like parents' weekend that weekend coming up, and I knew that my parents were coming in town, and I just honestly couldn't wait for them to be there. I couldn't wait for them to be there, but then I also had this dreading feeling of having to tell them that I was probably dying, and I felt like so much shame in me because I had to also tell them all that I've done to myself. Um, I kept everything private, everything bad I was doing myself that I thought was perfection and good. I didn't like to share it because what it took to be perfect was dangerous looking back, you know? And so not perfect and so not the right thing to do. For someone who wants to do everything so right, it was so wrong. And so I just had this shame. That was the beginning of a very hard journey for me. I was barely sleeping. I would call my mom at one in the morning sobbing, just sobbing with intrusive thoughts and impending doom that something was wrong with me. I would ask my boyfriend to come over literally just to check on me. I needed compulsive reassurance. I needed somebody all the time to listen to me talk about something because I was so convinced I was dying. My symptoms were so extreme that in my head it's like, how could anxiety do this? The reassurance would temporarily work and then it would never last. It would calm me down for a few minutes, and then I would be back to feeling how I was. And, you know, sometimes you would get lucky if you the reassurance lasted a couple hours. And then my brain would find something else it needed to panic about. And it was just this domino effect, another symptom, another symptom, another symptom. Um, and the symptoms were so, so severe. And I feel like sometimes when I find myself, you know, thinking like, oh, I'm feeling anxious, or gosh, how am I still dealing with anxiety 10 years later or something, or 12, or how many of if that's 2014, maybe 10, 11 years later, when I ask myself that question, it's funny. I think, think about what it was like, Taylor. Look at how far you come. Um, you've come so far. You you don't have to experience that first version of you ever again. And I haven't. And I don't think that we, as people who are recovering from extreme anxiety disorder, give ourselves enough grace for how far we'd come. But, anyways, back to the initial story. I started avoiding basically everything. I was skipping class, mind you. Remember 4.0 GPA, that's out the window. I couldn't sit through lectures because I would start literally blacking out. My vision would get dizzy. I my heart would be racing. I would be sitting there trying to listen with just profusely sweating. I remember one time I was taking a test and I just started circling whatever because I felt that, and if you have anxiety, you know what I mean, the sudden need of I need to get out of here right now. Like if I didn't get out of that room, I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. And funny enough, if I would have stayed, nothing would have happened. But you just feel like you cannot continue. Um, I stopped trusting my body at all. I stopped trusting myself, my grades dropped, my relationships with friends stopped. I cut off everybody. I was so consumed in my mind. I started going home every single weekend. Any chance I could just go home, I would get out of there. I didn't want to go back. Um but even my parents got tired, you know, because one, I I couldn't accept it was anxiety. I had no idea. I remember that first time it being like said to me that this is anxiety. And I was like, there's no way this is anxiety. Are you guys stupid? Is everybody around me stupid? Is there a doctor who's not stupid that can see that this is so physical? I had no idea what anxiety was. I had no idea what panic disorder was. I had no idea what OCD was. And I realize now how physical it can be. It is so real, how many people deal with this? But then I felt so alone and I felt like nobody was listening to me. And I felt like everybody was missing something. And it was like I was screaming in this bubble where no one could hear me. And that was really hard. I'm sure it was exhausting for everybody around me to watch someone who was so physically healthy feel like they're dying every day, someone who was so all these things, always the independent one, just being so dependent now and not functioning, literally couch bound. But at that time, all I felt was alone. I felt like everybody was frustrated with me. I felt I was too much. I felt too emotional, too anxious, too needy. I felt done. I felt like their life I had was over. I remember sitting on my parents' balcony one day and just looking out and being like, this is it. This is the end. This is what your life will look like for the rest of your life. And I remember just this feeling of complete sadness that I felt I would never see another day out of what I was feeling. And every day looked the exact same. I would wake up so late. I hated waking up. I hated waking up because it was another day that I knew I had to face just extreme panic. And I would just sit in the panic. I was Googling. I couldn't even walk down the street. I couldn't go up the stairs. My heart would race so fast. And I just would sit on the couch like literally a frozen human being. I would watch reality TV comp. I think I watched every season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians because it felt like an escape from my brain. But even then, I was so anxious. I needed to be around somebody 24-7. I felt being alone was scary. I was getting to the point where I wasn't even showering. I was consumed with extreme physical symptoms. I was consumed by anxiety. I was being rushed to the emergency room. I was a shell of myself. But also that whole time I was being held by God. And I grew up in church, and I don't think I ever appreciated it or found my own relationship with God. I knew I loved God because loving God was the right thing to do. And it felt like it I just did what I'm supposed to do, right? I didn't ever make my own decisions to know God or my faith. And I also was the kid who was like, do we have to go to church? You know, like trying to like sleep in and convince myself we could convince my parents, you know, we could stay home today. And like I just kind of saw it as this thing like you have to do, or sometimes saw it as this like social thing, right? Like doing all the social events with youth group, and I didn't see the relationship. And then I go to college and I'm still doing the thing, you know, you're going to the stuff, but you're like parting on the weekends, and not that parting is bad, but like the life I was living was clearly not good. Felt like my faith and God was I was just checking the box. It was another box to be checked on my list perfection. Being this perfect person means doing all these things, but I was fulfilling so much of the world and myself and my desires. There was no relationship. There was no relying on God. It was relying on myself. I was somebody who craves control. Oh, yeah, I love you, God, love you, you know. But hey, like, I'm not gonna do what you want me to do because I've got all these plans for myself. And I truly now know I had to hit I had to hit rock bottom. I had to fumble. I had to stumble. I had to fall to become dependent because me by myself is destruction. And I remember, you know, it's it's interesting. Like right when you I'm sure many people relate to this, but right right when you reach that rock bottom and you feel absolutely nothing is left in you, and you you don't know what else to do, that immediate cry to God of save me. I can like almost feel it now. That cry of God, please save me. And I didn't know it then. And you know, I go through these seasons of trying to fight it sometimes, where I love control so much, and I know God is like, come on, Taylor, come on. And so in those times when I was truly disabled of life, um, that was all I had to lean on. My parents were done with me, invalid, you know, expensive. I think about this often, like how much money everything was. And I didn't think twice about that. Cause that's the other thing. When you're in such an impending doom and irrational state, you are so selfish too, and you're so in your own mind and stuck in it, and you feel just consumed by it that I wasn't thinking of the burden I was putting on everybody, and I I hate that, but you know, um, I all I had in that time was me and God, and that's what got me through that summer, and then I had the courage to go and finish my senior year. It was not easy, um, but I went, and then I came home after that, and I lived at home while getting my master's, and I was like, I'm going to help people, I'm going to become a dietitian. I love helping people. And I remember always loving medical stuff, um, the medical field, being a doctor would be cool, being a nurse would be cool, but I can't do blood. I can't be around blood. So I always knew, like, well, you can't go in that field if you get queasy and weird around blood. Like, how are you supposed to take blood? How are you supposed to give blood? How are you supposed to be around injuries? And I just knew that in that area I couldn't do that. But I love nutrition and I loved, I think at first I loved it because I was so into disordered eating and I loved it because of how I could make my body this perfect body that was everybody's desire to look like by controlling nutrition. And the more I knew about that, the more I could be able to control it, right? That's where my journey began with taking that route in college. And then it shifted to nutrition is so important and nourishing for and healing for our body. And I remember this shift, and I started caring so much about how I nourished my body, and I fell in love with the healing of nutrition and our minds and how much nutrition plays into your mental health. And so I remember I got to work in a few eating disorder facilities. I got to do the clinical route, and I felt so worthless in the clinical route. I felt like it was just checking the boxes and it just wasn't for me. I felt so passionate in the eating disorder facilities. I felt so passionate at the VA working in the psych unit. I felt so much love for, I realized, helping people who are struggling and struggling a lot with their mental health. And I wanted to find a way to be able to use what I'm learning and helping myself and helping others. And I spent so long healing myself, but along the way, so many other people I met in my life healing me without even realizing it, getting to help people, getting to do all those things. But backing up a little bit, I remember being like, that's what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to be this dietician who can really help people. And I had to go through everything I had to go through to be that. That all makes sense. So I go to take my registered um dietitian. You have to get so you do your master's, finish my master's program. I did my all my internship hours, and then you have to be board certified. So you have to go take this big exam, which let me tell you, anxiety really sets in for me on those big exams. It always has my whole life. Uh growing up in tech in Texas, we had to do these like yearly exams, and I would know the material and then take the exam and just be like, what is happening? And like black out a little bit. And so I remember my dietitian exam. I failed. And I was crushed. I was so crushed. I was devastated. God, why? Like, why? Like what? I thought we, I thought this was I I thought this was your plan. You made the path so clear, right? And um I I didn't get answers, you know. In my head, I wasn't getting answers. And I remember during the time of healing, um, finding this account that actually really helped me the most in my recovery when I was struggling so bad. I found this girl Bailey on Instagram. She's not on Instagram anymore. She had an anxiety account, and she was my lifeline. She doesn't realize how much hope and how much she, how much she kept me going because, like I said, when I was sitting on that balcony that one day, and I thought, this is my life forever. This is, this is every look at every day. Look at every single day. It's horrible. It's hell. This is hell on earth. How does this ever get better when you're living in such extreme anxiety? You, it, the ability to see another day without a panic attack feels nearly impossible when you're living in a 24-7 panic attack. So I remember finding her account and I related to every single post. And I saw her journey of being at rock bottom. She was in college too, like her past story. She was a little older than me, a couple years. And when she was in college, she went through the same thing. And then I was able to see her story of hope and getting to the other side and why she created her page. And I remember just making this promise with God when I was in such a really bad place that God, you get me through this. I will never shut up about my healing. I will never not share of, and really I said to him of how you got me through it. And yeah. So when I failed that exam, I was so lost. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I had to wait, I think like 90 days or so to retake my exam. So in that time, I created my Instagram. And I didn't know what I was doing with it. But I just remember being like, okay, I made this promise to God, and you know, here I am. I'm really feeling good about my anxiety. I'm feeling so much better. I'm making progress, and I just made my page and I didn't know what I was gonna do with it, but I made it to share, to share how bad it was and that there is hope on the other side. And I didn't think much of it, right? I just was truly enjoying posting, and it was almost like a journal to me. And I think that's what it was for her, too, because this was like back when influencing really wasn't a thing and people weren't just like going viral on social media. It was kind of nothing. I was, I was just sharing. Um and it grew and it grew and it grew. And I saw all the people, all the people alone, all the people in all different states and countries going through the same things. And the craziest part is when I was going through it, I felt so alone. I felt like when I found that Bailey, it was just me and her. And I didn't know that there was millions of people who relate and can understand. And I think that the page just kept growing and growing, and then the 90 days came and I took my exam and I passed, and I was like, God, I think that that was also for another reason. And I wanted to be so deep in my faith with God that I found any rejection as a redirection. And in that moment, failing that exam to not to be able to start my career because I had a job lined up. Um, I had one of the facilities I did in my internship. I loved them, they loved me. I was so excited. I was like, this is it, and it was going to be awesome. And I wasn't able to get that job, and they had to hire somebody else because I wasn't board certified. So it felt like a failure at the time, and it felt like a disaster and devastating after everything I'd gone through. And really, it led me to here and the page and the purpose and the plan. And, you know, for a while, that's that was the mind, you know, and then you get into feeling so good and everything's going good. And, you know, it's sometimes so easy on the mountaintop to forget who got you there. And I often struggle with that, but I don't want to be that person. I don't want to forget who got me on that mountaintop. I don't want to forget who held me when no one else held me, how I had peace, how I kept going. Would I still be here had I not had my faith? I don't, I don't know. I don't think it got dark. I don't know. I really don't know. And so, you know, that was, let's see. Try, I'm trying to like go through the year. So like masters, internship, starting the page, getting passing my exam. I was so happy. Um, and I was just, you know, wanting to be a lifeline to everybody. COVID then happened, probably like a year later, maybe two. And I was doing good. I I enjoyed um being a support to people. And those were really hard times for a lot of people. But, you know, I started just talking about anxiety and talking people through anxiety and how to heal from anxiety and all these things that help anxiety and all these modalities CBT, ICBT, EMDR, uh, breath work, journaling, um, reframing your thoughts, uh meditating, yoga, um just everything. Everything you can think of that you have heard helps anxiety. And the craziest part oh, supplements, um diet, the craziest part is the core and the the most foundation my anxiety healing was built on was my faith. And if you look at all my posts, it's like I wanted to help people so bad, and my heart was centered on good. It's not like I was doing a bad thing, even with myself. It's like I'm doing all these things to get better, I'm meditating, I'm doing all these things, I'm breathing, I'm, you know, journaling, I'm writing all these things, but I forget the foundation a lot. And I have forgot, I had forgotten the foundation a lot. Not that I wasn't like cherishing my relationship with God and thankful for what God got me through, but it's like, okay, once God got me through it, you know, whoo, that was good. Thanks, God. But it's like on the mountain, where where is he with you? And are you sharing, you know, that that was the one core thing, your faith, diving into your faith. That was the one core thing. I remember there were times where I would just literally open my Bible in extreme panic and just beg and plead and and and and and and just desperation for peace and just wanting to die, wanting to just immerse myself into anything to learn about him, because it felt like he is this, he is my saving grace. What can I learn about him? I want to know it all. I was so hungry. And then when you get fulfilled and you get full, you lose that hunger, but I don't want to lose that hunger. And so, anyways, last year, 2025, summer of 2025, I was under the impression like I was healed from anxiety in my brain. You know, I'm not having panic attacks every day. I'm living, I'm functioning. I have this whole life. I got married, I have all these friends, I'm once again doing so well in life, right? Like everything's going so good. Um, and then anxiety kicks you in the butt. And not in the way it did back then, but it was it was like a wake-up call before a trip in May. And I was like, you're not doing well. You think you're so healed. You think that because you don't have panic attacks and because you have so many things under control, you are so bound by things, you are so bound by safety behaviors, you are so chained. Even though you think you're free, you're chained. And I was still in this prison of anxiety, even though I was so blinded by it. I was so convinced, I was so healed. And I was like living this life of once again almost doing too much and being too much and for and not even being once again the person I want to be. It's like, Taylor, you already got slapped in the face once. Why are you getting slapped in the face twice? And you know, I had once again shame and guilt about that. And then that last summer was the best summer of my life, and it was the war, it was one of the worst summers of my life, um, along with the summer of 2014. It's funny how I can look back on it and say best and worst. And I can look back on 2014 and say best and worst time of my life. And I say best because anytime those wake-up calls happen to me, and listen, I don't want to go through another one, but it's like my heart gets rerouted, my mind gets rerouted. And even though I don't have all the things that I think are so fulfilling, without them, I have more true joy. Without them, I have more contentment and peace in my heart. Peace even if, and I mean that. Like I can literally start tearing up sometimes. And I have, I remember like this week, my I was just crying. I was like watching something. Oh, I was watching a reel, and it was this reel in the song of God. I'm God, I'm just grateful. And it's a song, and I listened to it every single morning last summer on my morning walks, and it gave me so much peace. I don't know. It was like this, like just a gratitude to God of like how grateful I am, and I really am so grateful, but I can just get overwhelmed with tears sometimes because of how much mercy has been put on me that I don't deserve. And um with that comes, my healing is nothing without God, and maybe you're there with me too. And since last May, to you know, it's funny now. We're in July, I've been reflecting on things of like where I was last summer and how I thought I was gonna go all the way back to 2014 and and I was gonna have to start all over again. And God said, No, I got you, you know, and diving back into that and realizing this is where I feel the most peace on my journey and learning more and being hungry for it, being hungry for his word and my faith and kindness, love, peace, being love to others, being kind to others, staying away from the things that don't feel good. I never feel good when I gossip. I never feel good when I'm mean about somebody. I never feel good when I, when anything like that is going on. I always feel good when I show love. I always feel good when I include. I always feel good when I am diving into the word, and I have to grow on that. And I think the other thing is I have to share on that and boldly share because diving into God's word and learning more is healing me in so many ways. And I know it can be healing to so many other people, and I know that there's so many other people that are like, I have tried all the things, I have done the all the things. I need something, and give it a chance. See where your heart goes. Um, there can be so much peace. And I know also that religion trauma is so real. I know that people have been jaded and hurt terribly by either religion, people in the religion, people telling you things that are not true, legalism. Um, I saw it growing up. I think I went through it. I think that I was turned off by a lot. I won't lie to you, I was. It grossed me out how some people acted. I'm like, if that is religion, if that is following God, I don't want to do it. At least I don't want to do it like that. I love you, God, but I'm gonna still do my own ways. But the other people, I didn't want to be like them either. And so when I come uh when I come to you guys with my journey, I don't want you in any way, shape, or form to think I have it all figured out or that me and Jesus and God are just like, you know, because I'm learning and I'm growing and I love learning. And I would like to share my faith with you guys. I'd like to share my journey with you guys. And so that's what this is. I'm sharing of how in my darkest times I hoped and I held on to faith, and I said, God get me through this and lead my feet and guide me. And He has always done that, even when it's bad, even when I can have peace. And so to not share that would not be sharing my truth. And I think that that's something I've left out, and I think that's something I want to grow on, and I think that a lot of this route I will take with we can talk about anxiety, we can talk about healing, but anxiety isn't ours, isn't my story, it's not your story, it's a part of us, but it's not who we are. We have so much, we can grow on so much, we can become so much, and I want to do that together. So I hope all of this wasn't too confusing. I know my story has just so many details, and I never want to leave any of it out, and I never want it to seem easy because it was so far from easy, but I want to share it all. I want to be authentically me, and authentically me is I've been at rock bottom and I've dug myself out one scoop at a time. I don't know, does that make sense? Um so if you're wanting to ways you can dive into your faith too with me. Um, like I said, I'm learning too. I learn something new every day. I I know nothing. Um join the Facebook group. I'm really trying to share in there more. It's a free Facebook group. Peace over panic for this podcast. I hope on this podcast to bring on people who maybe are more educated on certain things with their faith and can provide, you know, some knowledge and guidance to us. And I think experts are amazing. You know why? Because they found something in their life to specialize in and they're the expert in that area. And why not have them talk than me? Because I'm learning and growing just like you are, and I'm excited for what's ahead. I'm excited and I'm hopeful for healing for so many people through this podcast. If you know, if you knew me in my mind, you would know that I feel so incapable of being somebody to speak. I feel so incapable of that I have words to share. Um, but I do feel led to share. And so I will share and I will hope and I will pray that through this whole new journey of peace over panic, that I am a Bailey to somebody, like Bailey was to me. And on top of that, that maybe somebody can be comforted by the peace of God too, like I have been. So I will see you guys next week. You can always DM me, you can email me. Um I I try and get back to almost every single DM. And I love this community. I love all of you. I love getting to know you guys and to like truly listen. And that's so uh important to me. So I'll see you guys next week and have a great week.