Heal Within with Dr. Evette Rose

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal + Meditation

• Dr. Evette Rose • Season 15 • Episode 13

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Trust is the invisible thread holding relationships together — but what happens when that thread snaps? The impact runs deeper than emotions alone, shaping how the brain, body, and nervous system respond in ways most people don’t expect.

In this episode, we explore how betrayal can rewire the mind, influence survival instincts, and leave imprints that echo into future connections. More importantly, we uncover what it really takes to begin mending what feels irreparably broken.

Stay with us — the science and healing tools may surprise you.

With love

Dr. Evette Rose

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Heal Within here with me, Dr. Evette Rose, trauma therapist and also creator of Metaphysical Anatomy Technique. Now this podcast is your safe space to explore emotional healing, nervous system repair and also deeper inner transformation. And if you are ready to go deeper and you would like to be supported on your healing journey, you can always book your one-on-one session with me or with any of my certified metapsychology coaching practitioners, and also join one of my upcoming live healing events, workshops or retreats at metaphysicalanatomycom. And now let's begin your journey back to wholeness, one breath and one breakthrough at a time.

Speaker 1:

And today's podcast I would like to dive deep into when trust is lost, after betrayal. You see, when trust is broken, it feels almost like the ground beneath us completely collapsed. Now why is it so hard to rebuild that? And what does science also tell us about how trust works in the brain and in the body and then as a whole functioning ecosystem in relationships? Let's first start by defining what trust is and what betrayal is. Now, normally trust, it's like you can see it as an expectation of safety. It's an expectation of someone to show up in a reliable way. It's an expectation of someone to perhaps be consistent in our life, to show integrity. It's also an expectation of people to respect our values and also recognize them and know what they are. And when we have betrayal, we have violation of that expectation, whether it's through infidelity, maybe it's lies, maybe it's neglect, it can be broken promises as well. That is when that core foundation becomes ruffled and it creates panic and stress because that expectation. Remember, we are creatures of habit, we thrive on predictability and when that predictability cycle, when that loop, is disrupted, it disrupts this entire ecosystem within us that leaned on it, system within us that leaned on it, that relied on it, that gave us safety, stability or any other emotional resource that you felt that you could lean into as a result of having that trust with someone. And neuroscience it shows us that trust activates the prefrontal cortex, that is our rational judgment center, and also the ventral stratum, that is the reward circuitry. Now, when betray happens, right when someone betrays you, the brain now interprets this as both an emotional wound and also a threat to our survival.

Speaker 1:

And neuroscience further explains when trust is disrupted, we have what is called oxytocin. This is that bonding, that feel-good hormone, and this regulates feelings of, maybe, closeness, of safety and also social bonding. But betrayal causes oxytocin to release that, release that nice flow. It drops. It drops and it creates an incredible moment of shock in a dynamic between two people and this can leave a person feeling unsafe, feeling hypervigilant. Where do I connect to? Where do I co-regulate? Where do I bond with? Who do I bond with?

Speaker 1:

Now, you see, it's a complete disruption of our internal world and the amygdala as well. That's our alarm system. This becomes hyperactive after betrayal because it's now scanning when is this going to happen again? Even safe interactions, it can really feel threatening because the trust is lost. That bond is no longer there.

Speaker 1:

Now, the prefrontal cortex it's actually struggling now to override the emotional threat signals, which explains why people might say I know logically that they've changed, but I just can't feel safe. It's like your mind knows that but your body just can't follow along with where your mind is going. Your body just can't follow along with where your mind is going and fMRI studies it has showed that betrayal lights up pain centers in the anterior cingulate cortex. That's the same region that's activated when we experience physical pain, meaning broken trust. It literally hurts and for anyone who I'm sure you've experienced pain where you bumped your toe or you knocked your finger in that door when we are in pain. That's all that we can focus on. It really pulls us so much into the present moment. So those brainwaves that we move into when we're in pain, we're in those same brainwaves when trust has been broken. It really hurts. It's a very painful experience to have.

Speaker 1:

And what can exacerbate this, what can make this even more painful, is when prior memories are triggered, from our childhood right. So when children are exposed to betrayal trauma whether it's through abuse, through neglect or maybe just I mean just witnessing violence their score is much higher on the ACE scale and high ACE scores are actually linked to difficulty forming trust right, especially in relationships. In their adult life they are at much higher risks also of PTSD, anxiety, depression, chronic pain and also autoimmune conditions. You see, betrayal in adulthood it triggers a lot of old childhood patterns and this can actually lead to even stronger distress responses than what the situation alone in itself might actually warrant, because it's triggering how that child, that inner child, felt in that moment of betrayal.

Speaker 1:

And normally when a child experiences betrayal, there's no one else to connect to or to attach to, to regulate or to find comfort with or to find some sense of protection or safety. Some sense of protection or safety and not having that extra source to connect to can often perpetuate that anxiety as well. But that also teaches the nervous system that when I am betrayed I am alone. And we are by chemically, biologically, designed to be with one another to help with co-regulation. And this can actually cause a child to feel well, there's no one there, there's no one to co-regulate. So I have to figure this out all by myself. I am alone, no one is going to help me, no one is going to support me. Does that sound familiar? That's the inner child that's coming forward.

Speaker 1:

And of course you might have had multiple other similar experiences to that when you were an adult. I mean just because we experienced trauma in our childhood and it's a big part of our foundation. It doesn't stop there. We can of course, have new, you know different experiences, but a lot of them can trigger the main underlying core driver and distress signals. And when that happens, when that trust is broken, cortisol spikes. That's our stress hormone. Now this rises when stress is violated and this just exacerbates and it creates hypervigilance. And on top of that we have our nervous system dysregulation, because betrayal can really shift the body into a fight or flight and freeze response and that I'm sure that if you found yourself in a situation like that, it's so much harder, it feels so challenging to find calmness and to even calm down the connection right or at least calm down the disconnection. It feels almost like it's just it's evading you. It's impossible to achieve.

Speaker 1:

Now here comes the important part, and that's when we experience memory consolidation. You see, the hippocampus is now tagging betrayal memories as danger. It's tagging betrayal with all the pain that you felt you could maybe not control, or you felt completely swamped over by it. It felt overpowering, which left you in a disempowered state. So it's tagging all these memories with that experience of betrayal and this can then actually also cause this to become hypersensitive Hypersensitive.

Speaker 1:

Now, interesting information. There was interesting research that was done where, in couples, therapy research actually showed that it takes on average of at least five positive interactions to counter one betrayal related trigger. That's a lot. One betrayal-related trigger, that's a lot. Five positive interactions to counter one betrayal-related trigger. And I'm not sharing this to say wow, we're against the odds. How are we going to do that? We have to work really hard to get that trust back. There's going to be work involved. I mean that's a given.

Speaker 1:

However, it's also showing the power of being able to rewire these messages and that's part of one of the reasons why it can feel so hard, so challenging to rewire trust, because the brain prioritizes survival over connection and in this case it can trigger a really strong survival response as well, especially if it's triggering a very deep childhood trauma, because as children, we also rely on our parents and caregivers for safety, support, food and shelter. I mean they literally they are our sources that keep us alive. And if that bond, if that connection is disrupted, can you see how that can trigger a survival response? It's not just rejection but it actually triggers a survival response. And the stronger that response has been layered in during a person's childhood, the stronger that trauma is going to come forward as an adult. And that's why a lot of people they can become quite violent when they find out that they have been betrayed.

Speaker 1:

People can really have that complete overreaction, that fight or flight response. In this case it's fight because of that overstimulation. But on top of that prior trauma that also could potentially be there, we have environmental stress. Everything is just exacerbating a prior wound and it makes it more and more and more sensitive. It's almost like it's just a matter of time before something happens and there's an explosion, there's a collapse, you see, because what happens is people cycle between hypervigilance, checking, doubting, testing and then complete shutdown, complete avoidance, complete numbness, complete withdrawal, that feeling of I don't care anymore. Well, actually we do.

Speaker 1:

The fact that we say that means that we're trying to pull the wool over our eyes for something that's going on in our life, because why would the desire even be there to say that? Why the need to validate that To who? All right, so just something to think about. And I'm sharing this because this was my aha moment, this was a big aha moment for me, this because this was my aha moment, this was a big aha moment for me. And there's that saying I don't know if you've heard of it, but there's that saying once bitten, twice shy. You see, it's not just a saying, it's an actual neurological adaptation, neurological adaptation.

Speaker 1:

So now the bigger question comes in how do we rebuild trust? Where do we begin? What do we do with all of this now? Because now we're in that brainwave of pain, we're upset, we feel maybe disrespected, maybe it's triggered a lot of your failed boundaries from the past as well. It's not just disrupting your need for that oxytocin to restore your sense of belonging and bonding, because a lot of the time when people go through betrayal, especially in partnership, when you're with someone for a while, we start to identify with our partner. Whether we realize it or not, that person becomes part of your nervous system, ecosystem and regulation, patterning your daily life. And when that's disrupted it doesn't just disrupt safety, it disrupts our sense of identity. It disrupts how we need to relearn to find safe anchors, other safe anchors in our life and making sure that those anchors are anchors that can be consistent for you, because people will always fluctuate and change that is a given and that change might come in because of an accident. It can come in for whatever reason. It doesn't have to come in through betrayal and that's the point that I'm trying to make. It's so important that we have our anchor system within us. No-transcript be uncomfortable, it's just going to be different.

Speaker 1:

Secondly is a lot of shared emotional experiences, eye contact, because eye contact is constantly feeling like someone's evading you. Through breaking eye contact, it builds mistrust. It makes us feel that person has something to hide or that they're not being honest in themselves that they're not being honest in themselves. So eye contact is really important. And here's the thing During our childhood, before the age of three, eye contact plays an incredibly impactful role in your nervous system's ability to regulate and whether it trusts eye contact to even begin with. So if eye contact was delivered to you in very hostile, mean, nasty ways, it can still trigger that inner child and make can make you feel even more susceptible to trust eye contact. So that's why, during adult life and having a partner that can just be consistent when now changes are being take, you know being created Consistency is very important.

Speaker 1:

Second is also physical affection. Second is also physical affection and because, at the end of the day, vulnerability increases oxytocin and it calms the amygdala. Physical affection helps to soothe vulnerability and it increases oxytocin and that calms our panic center. Another one that I really deeply love is somatic regulation breath work, meditation, co-regulation exercises. It really helps to retrain the nervous system to feel safe again. And then, of course, therapy work, trauma work. Go to couples therapy and I would highly recommend couples therapy and also going to separate therapists individually as well. So you have a place where you can meet, where both can feel heard, but you have a separate therapist that you can also express certain things that you sometimes just feel like you want to express in the absence of your partner, and so that you have that freedom, so things don't get squeezed up and compressed. And small wins is very important Micro-commitments, daily check-ins, keeping promises this can really start to rebuild trust circuits in very beautiful ways.

Speaker 1:

Now studies I just want to share one more quick study with you before we start our meditation. Studies show that the brain, it really I mean it's fully capable of rebuilding trust. Right, that rebuilding that, how would I say it? That rebuilding that trust circuitry? And this is done through neuroplasticity. We know how that works. And betrayal it doesn't have to define a relationship, because research and studies show that 70% of couples who experience infidelity they recover. They recover if they actively engage in structured healing work. You see people with really strong support networks. It's a given. They heal faster Because the co-regulation from the safety of others really helps to repair the nervous system. Regulation meaning the part of the nervous system that was dysregulated. Okay, beautiful. So for everyone, if you know someone that's really going through this right now and you feel this podcast episode might help them, including the meditation that's coming up, so please remember to do share it with them.

Speaker 1:

This is all about helping people really get back on track in their life, all right, so when you are ready, let's start our meditation and let's start by taking a nice deep breath. Very good, very good. And now I invite you to start by just maybe gently closing your eyes and allowing your body to find a really nice comfortable position and taking a nice slow, deep breath. So let's start by maybe taking that breath through your nose, out the mouth, and with each breath you feel your body becoming heavier, calmer and more grounded, and then just gently bringing your attention to your heart center. Imagine a nice warm light glowing there, soft and gentle, and this light represents safety. And even if you have been hurt, this light cannot be taken away. It is yours.

Speaker 1:

And notice now as you breathe. And notice now as you breathe. Imagine exhaling the weight of betrayal, disappointment and fear. With each breath, let go of the tightness of your body. Feel the space around your heart beginning to soften. Notice how your nervous system is gently starting to settle your fate deep into the earth. The earth is steady and unshaken. It's solid, holding you, holding you, feeling how the earth is just anchoring your roots, anchoring you, allowing yourself to trust in this stable connection, trusting in this stability, allowing your nervous system to feel that same steadiness, calm, secure and Calm, secure and held. And now visualizing trust again and in this instance, bring to mind someone or something that is safe. It can be a loved one, a pet nature, even the warm sun on your skin. Let yourself feel that moment of connection, however small and gently, starting to feel oxytocin and the calmness flow through you as you imagine this bond. And let's affirm a few positive affirmations as well, and you can repeat after me, or you can also just listen to my voice.

Speaker 1:

I can trust myself. I can trust life to guide me. I am safe to trust life. I am safe to trust life. I trust myself to heal one step at a time.

Speaker 1:

My past does not define my ability to love or be loved. I am worthy of honesty, safety and respect. I can hold both the pain of betrayal and the possibility of trust. I can hold both the pain of betrayal and the possibility of trust. My nervous system is learning how to feel safe again. I release fear and I invite calmness into my heart. Trust begins with me and I mature into it daily.

Speaker 1:

I'm allowed to take my time to heal and rebuild Love.

Speaker 1:

Time to heal and rebuild Love, safety and connection are available to me. I honor my boundaries while remaining open to new beginnings. And when you are ready, slowly and gently starting to come back into the here and now started to come back into the here and now, feeling the surface beneath your body, that consistent, stable source of space that you can trust, that you're leaning into, bring your awareness to that now, slowly allowing your breath to bring you back more and more and more into the present moment. And when you are ready, wiggling your fingers and your toes and gently come back. Beautiful and gently, come back, beautiful.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much for joining me here for today's podcast, and also our affirmation for today is I'm allowed to take my time to heal and also to rebuild. And remember you're not alone. You are healing one step at a time, one breath at a time. And remember, if this episode touched you, then please share it with someone who's maybe also now on their healing journey and, as always, breathe deep, listen within and stay gently curious. Thank you for joining me here and I look forward to seeing you in the next podcast. Thank you for showing up for you. I love you and until next time, be the light that you are.