How do you feel about terms like people pleaser, codependent, inauthentic, or chameleon?
We use these terms to describe when we are not ‘being ourselves’ in the presence of other people.
I think this probably has some evolutionary significance in ensuring we remain members of a group. We are being polite and trying not to hurt feelings or cause conflict. We want to be liked.
The neurodivergent community uses terms like ‘masking’ or ‘camouflaging’ to describe this behavior. Autistic people mask to hide behaviors that may identify them as autistic. Similarly, allistic or neurotypical people mask when they try to avoid conflict or blend in.
My experience with masking began in therapy where I was identified as codependent. According to psychoanalysis, I mask all the time so that people will like me and to avoid conflict. I was given tools to help change my mind and beliefs, but I couldn’t let go of my desire to keep the peace.
Later I would experience Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy where I learned I had ‘parts’ who protected me. One, or more, of these parts were related to my need to avoid conflict and blend in. I learned at a young age that ‘being myself’ often invited ridicule from my peers and made me feel unsafe. I learned to mask to feel safe in the world.
Unfortunately, we humans tend to repeat what works and I became a master masker. I learned that my brain works like this. If I feel unsafe I will perform a behavior or role that worked in the past to make me feel safe. Reducing my personality, or masking, and blending in more with the person with whom I was interacting or was afraid, accomplished this need for safety.
I think the IFS model makes a lot of sense and I have met many of the parts that help protect me. The problem is, that these masking behaviors also reduce our growth. Especially when we become adults and can protect ourselves in other ways or when the bullies of our youth are gone.
It is easy to overdevelop masking tendencies. Like a muscle, the more we use them the stronger and more pervasive they become. The more we mask the less comfortable we are being ourselves. We start to become the masks we wear. Eventually, it is easy to lose track of who is you and who is a mask.
I believe a lot of us suffer from this identity crisis. We forget who we are because we spend so much time being someone else. Where do we draw the line?
Masking is protective, of that, there is no doubt. Personally masking probably saved me from getting beat up more than once. It also enabled me to learn critical life skills like public speaking, interviewing for jobs, and maintaining relationships.
But somewhere along the line, I lost myself. I realized I had done so when therapists would ask me what I wanted or what I needed. I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed because I didn’t know who I was.
As sad or weird as that may sound I think it is incredibly common. I think we learn to rely on our masks to get through our days. In doing so, we strengthen them and rely on them. It becomes subconscious. We are not aware of what we are doing.
In the background of our lives, beneath the level of our awareness, our masks become stronger. As they do, our ‘selves’ become weaker. We become more afraid of revealing who we are and more convinced that doing so would cause trouble.
The key, then, is to moderate our use of masks. To do this we must first be aware that we are masking. I have learned to do this through a meditation practice. There are probably other ways, but I will focus future articles and episodes on how a practice is essential; especially for neurodivergent people.
If you are enjoying this content, please tell your friends.
How do you feel about terms like people pleaser, codependent, inauthentic, or chameleon?
We use these terms to describe when we are not ‘being ourselves’ in the presence of other people.
I think this probably has some evolutionary significance in ensuring we remain members of a group. We are being polite and trying not to hurt feelings or cause conflict. We want to be liked.
The neurodivergent community uses terms like ‘masking’ or ‘camouflaging’ to describe this behavior. Autistic people mask to hide behaviors that may identify them as autistic. Similarly, allistic or neurotypical people mask when they try to avoid conflict or blend in.
My experience with masking began in therapy where I was identified as codependent. According to psychoanalysis, I mask all the time so that people will like me and to avoid conflict. I was given tools to help change my mind and beliefs, but I couldn’t let go of my desire to keep the peace.
Later I would experience Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy where I learned I had ‘parts’ who protected me. One, or more, of these parts were related to my need to avoid conflict and blend in. I learned at a young age that ‘being myself’ often invited ridicule from my peers and made me feel unsafe. I learned to mask to feel safe in the world.
Unfortunately, we humans tend to repeat what works and I became a master masker. I learned that my brain works like this. If I feel unsafe I will perform a behavior or role that worked in the past to make me feel safe. Reducing my personality, or masking, and blending in more with the person with whom I was interacting or was afraid, accomplished this need for safety.
I think the IFS model makes a lot of sense and I have met many of the parts that help protect me. The problem is, that these masking behaviors also reduce our growth. Especially when we become adults and can protect ourselves in other ways or when the bullies of our youth are gone.
It is easy to overdevelop masking tendencies. Like a muscle, the more we use them the stronger and more pervasive they become. The more we mask the less comfortable we are being ourselves. We start to become the masks we wear. Eventually, it is easy to lose track of who is you and who is a mask.
I believe a lot of us suffer from this identity crisis. We forget who we are because we spend so much time being someone else. Where do we draw the line?
Masking is protective, of that, there is no doubt. Personally masking probably saved me from getting beat up more than once. It also enabled me to learn critical life skills like public speaking, interviewing for jobs, and maintaining relationships.
But somewhere along the line, I lost myself. I realized I had done so when therapists would ask me what I wanted or what I needed. I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed because I didn’t know who I was.
As sad or weird as that may sound I think it is incredibly common. I think we learn to rely on our masks to get through our days. In doing so, we strengthen them and rely on them. It becomes subconscious. We are not aware of what we are doing.
In the background of our lives, beneath the level of our awareness, our masks become stronger. As they do, our ‘selves’ become weaker. We become more afraid of revealing who we are and more convinced that doing so would cause trouble.
The key, then, is to moderate our use of masks. To do this we must first be aware that we are masking. I have learned to do this through a meditation practice. There are probably other ways, but I will focus future articles and episodes on how a practice is essential; especially for neurodivergent people.
If you are enjoying this content, please tell your friends.