QUICKIE: Is honesty the best policy? This Valentine's Day I'm back with my Quickies co-host Amanda Blair to breakdown what it means to be honest in your relationships and why it matters. We get real on what honesty looks like in different types of relationships and how we can use it as a tool to build trust & intimacy. We also share deets on our V-day plans & how you can level set with any lovers in your life on expectations.
On this episode we cover:
📥 Download Monthly Archetype Template
💌 Subscribe to the Sealed List Newsletter
💘 Let's be internet friends!!
Connect with Quickies cohost Amanda Blair:
Be sure to rate, review, and share this episode with a friend! LOVE YOU!
QUICKIE: Is honesty the best policy? This Valentine's Day I'm back with my Quickies co-host Amanda Blair to breakdown what it means to be honest in your relationships and why it matters. We get real on what honesty looks like in different types of relationships and how we can use it as a tool to build trust & intimacy. We also share deets on our V-day plans & how you can level set with any lovers in your life on expectations.
On this episode we cover:
📥 Download Monthly Archetype Template
💌 Subscribe to the Sealed List Newsletter
💘 Let's be internet friends!!
Connect with Quickies cohost Amanda Blair:
Be sure to rate, review, and share this episode with a friend! LOVE YOU!
Music. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another Quickies. I've got my co-host, my fabulous co-host, Amanda Blair here, and we're just so excited to be delivering you guys an episode on Valentine's Day. I was like, I don't want to record with anybody else but Amanda for a Valentine's episode, so welcome. Thank you. Thank you. So happy to be back. Happy 2024. Crazy. For the quickies people, because you've had other episodes come out for 2024 on Bedside. This is our first. This is the first time we're coming like live in 2024. We had a 2024 episode come out, but we recorded it in the past. Right. That's right. Time travel in the podcasting world. Yes. I actually really love when I hear like other podcasters kind of talk about like when they're recording and then alluding to like when it's coming out because everyone is always like math, math, math, math. When is the – and I love hearing that like in just going on for people. I know. Me too. I listened to the Chani astrology podcast for the week and she's always like, listen, I am recording this way in the past. So don't hold me accountable. Also, I didn't know she had a podcast. Oh, I need to listen to that. You need to. They're so great. They're like truly quickies. They're like 15-minute episodes that come out on Monday for astrology for the week ahead. Oh, that is literally ideal. Because you know what? I love like hearing about astrology, but like on TikTok, I don't know. It's like not the medium I want to listen to it on. So a podcast is perfect. Like on a walk on a Monday. Yeah. Yep. It like gets your week going. Okay. Well, how has your January been? How's your 2024 been so far? Honestly, it's been really good. It's been kind of slow, but I've realized that as January is, It's like everyone always jokes about like the year-long month of January. And honestly, I have been okay with not – like I'm not someone who like January 1st was like, let me make my New Year's resolutions. I've actually spent kind of the entire month really sitting with and kind of leaning into what I'm calling in for this year. And I finally landed on my word of the year, which – This is going to be one of my questions. Yay. Drum roll, please. my word of the year is abundance. Oh, I love it. Yes. Okay. I am really, really excited about this word of the year. I just feel like I'm ready to kind of call in a lot of things that I've been like marinating on and actually see them through to fruition. So I'm in my year of claiming abundance. I love that. Hell yeah. Hell yes. What about you? How has your January been? My January has been, honestly, lovely. We did have an insane ice storm. Oh my God, yes. I have never been in an ice storm before, so I had no idea what to expect. I did not think it would be a big deal. But- If you have not been in one, you do not understand that literally every surface is coated in ice. My car was completely encased in ice. I remember texting you and I was just basically like, wellness check. Are you and Zach okay? We were like, holy shit. Like he had been through one before his first winter in Portland. And the power went out for him three days that year, which was insane. We did lose power. we lost it Thursday to Saturday. And luckily we have a fireplace. So we were able to stay warm. My main concern was my cats because it got pretty cold in the house. Like it was getting close to the forties. And so like, there was like lots of blankets and boxes for them to stay warm, but it was just gnarly. Like you couldn't go outside. You could not walk unless you had ice skates on because it was like quite literally ice everywhere. So you couldn't drive like, Like, and thankfully, we are privileged enough to like we had, you know, plenty of groceries. We have a roof over our head. My heart was breaking for those who are unhoused or lower income and, you know, couldn't have heat. And then on top of that power, like, Jesus Christ, like it must have been a horror show. But it was the most intense winter storm I've been through, which is saying a lot because I've lived in New York and like New York has like a lot of snowstorms. But like snowstorms ain't nothing compared to an ice room. It was gnarly. And then also in the beginning of January, I went to New York to visit Sawa and her twins, which was just so magical. And I was so grateful that I got to be there when they were newborns because they're so like just little and squishy. And it was so beautiful to watch her with them. Like she was just like enraptured by them. And it was so beautiful to see. Like she was just staring at them. Like when I would wake up in the morning, because they do, her and her partner do shifts. So like Tommy takes the evening shift and then she takes like sort of middle night to the morning shift so that they can each get some like uninterrupted sleep, which I think is smart because he's on paternity leave right now. And when I would wake up in the morning and I would like kind of be talking to her, like she would, you know, be feeding them. And she was just like so in love and just like gazing at them. I was kind of like, and just like so zoned in. And I was like, This is really beautiful to witness. So that was really fun. And also I have a hot take. New York is, in my opinion, the best to visit in winter. Wow. Or spring or fall. Summer is out. I cannot do the humidity anymore. Did it for 12 years. Not anymore. Bye bye. Because when I visited, it's always been in summer since I've left or like, you know, September, which is basically still summer. And the humidity, I am miserable, miserable. But in the winter, I was like, this is great. I can walk around. I'm not sweating. Like, fuck yeah, I'm here. I have vivid memories of just like literally standing in the subway and just like drips of sweat going down my back and just like needing multiple showers every day. I just, I know, like I'm just not here for it. Yes. Especially after living here. Portland has the most just epic summers because it's beautiful and it's warm, but it's not like crazy hot with humidity. Like it does get pretty hot, but there's not crazy humidity on top of it, which is like, I can handle that. That's fine. So hot take, New York in the winter. I love it. Did you come up with a word of the year? I sure did, but it's a phrase. Okay. And my phrase is let myself. Ooh, let myself like be creative. Let myself lean into January. I've really been leaning into like, it's winter. We are meant to be resting. This is meant to be slow. We are meant to be like sleeping. We are meant to be like just chilling out. Like we do not need to be like hitting the ground running. And I'm like really leaning into that. So that is what I'm sort of like calling in all year. Just like let myself like whatever that may be. however that may look. That's so beautiful, Amanda. I love that. Really exciting news. I manifested something really big. Tell me. I manifested two free round-trip flights to Italy. What? So I had had on my list for this year that I wanted to get back to Europe because I just love it and I miss it so much. We literally talked about this the last episode. You were like, I'm manifesting this for Zach and I. Zach was supposed to come visit me in Paris in 2022 when I was there, but he was coming towards the tail end of my trip and I was just like so over being like away and I just like wanted to be with him and I wanted to like sort of get settled I was tired of laying on a suitcase and also Paris was just like so hot like so unbelievably hot and there's no air conditioning anywhere it's miserable in August so I was just like I need to go so I left early and like came home early and so he didn't get to go to Paris with me so this is like a sort of like redo that that we get to be in Europe together. But I opened TikTok last Monday, just minding my own beeswax. And the first video I see is there's a sale going on for flights to Europe. And I was like, when those things come up, I'm always like, well, not right now. And so I was kind of like, okay, I'll add it. But I like, it's nothing. Like I was like very skeptical. And then she was kind of like, you know, here's like the flights or here's how it's what airlines participating. And here's the cities that you could go to. And here's like the cities you can fly out of. Of course, Portland wasn't on the list, but San Francisco was, which is like an easy flight or even drive for us, depending on how we want to do it. And, and we have like a lot of friends in the Bay. So like, makes sense. And then I was like, okay, I'm just gonna look. Round trip for each of us, 530. So a thousand total. Round trip to Italy, San Francisco to Milan. And I was like, fucking book. And then I have points that I just got reimbursed for those flights. So free. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's for our anniversary. That's like my anniversary gift to us, which I wish we could go in June, but we can't when our anniversary is. But because like, obviously, like the height of the season was not for the sale. But I was like, immediately, I was like, I love to surprise Zach, like his birthday is a surprise. And I can't say it because he could hear me. But I was like, I can't keep this as a surprise. Like I have to call him immediately and be like, guess what? I just booked for us, like bye. And so we are so excited and I can't wait. Wait, so when are you going? So you're not going in June? Not in June. We're going in September, which will still be like beautiful weather. We're starting in Milan. We're going to Venice, which I haven't been to yet and he hasn't been to. So we're stoked for that. Then we're going to Rome and then we're going to spend four days on the Amalfi Coast. Wow. Oh, my freaking goodness. Also, I'm cracking up because I have been looking into September already for trips. Oh, really? And we're definitely going to London, but we were like, oh, we'll go to Mallorca after. And then we've been watching these Stanley Tucci cooking Italy shows. And then we were like, we really keep looking at each other. We're like, do we go to Italy? Yes. Yes i am so excited for the pasta i'm already like zach but the pasta though and like the gelato though like the pizza though i i'm just that is gonna be so full circle for you i'm really excited amanda i'm so so so so thrilled like i don't want this year to go by fast but But I'm also like, September! You're like, hey, Italy. Just want to be there. And then I hope that that is something that I'm now going to look next year in January if that is like a thing that happens regularly. Because I'm like, then the next year, let's go to fucking France. Oh, yeah. Because I wanted to take him to the south of France because that is like my sole place. But Nice is actually pretty close to Milan in terms of like train rides, like not too far. But it's like that's just a lot of back and forth and so we're like let's just stay in Italy let's just do Italy this trip you know keep it simple so that we can like see what we want to see in Italy and then we don't have to like you know cut things off and then we'll do France another trip but yeah yeah exactly like one thing at a time with Connor and I've talked about that too we're like let's not like try to jam pack everything in at once and like we have fun yeah it's not fun to just be like bopping around the entire time you just want to sometimes just be where you are So, oh my God, I love that. That is such a full circle, exciting manifestation. I know. I'm just like over the moon. Also, I have to say my friends are always like, how do you book your trips? Because I feel like one of my superpowers, I always say, I feel like I am really good at living a quote unquote like more bougie life, but doing it on such a scrappy budget. Yeah. And I do the exact same thing as like what you do, where I'm like, I just planned and did something so in advance that like either I paid it off by the time I'm going or like I did it so in advance that I got such a crazy deal. And like the fact that you had like points, like those were already affordable flights. And then the fact that you had points to cover it is just like the coolest thing. So anyways, just let it be known. I recommend that actually. When I did my three-month trip, I pre-planned that entire trip. So I pre-paid. I will say I did change a lot of it. And going for three months, you do need to have a little bit more flexibility. But basically, the big, big things were paid for. So it felt really good to go because it was like, now I just have my spending money. And so now that we have those flights and we have so long to plan, I'll be booking our our accommodations soon so that those can be paid off way before we go. And then also now we're like, we already did like sort of discussed, okay, what's our budget for like spending and food. And we're like already having like, okay, this is our monthly goal, like set aside for that. So when we go, it's just feels easy. And I think travel is such a privilege, but it can be more affordable if you do things like get a credit card that has points. So I have American Express like platinum because I thought that was the best for points. It is not. You do not get that many points for random things like you get high point. You get like five times the points if you're spending the night at a luxury hotel. I don't often spend the night at a luxury hotel Amex. So that's not getting me the points. But my Capital One card does. It gives me points for like three times or like four times points for like really normal things like restaurants or like grocery shopping, like normal things that I'm doing. So I was able to rack up a ton of points like pretty easily. And doing that is so helpful because then you can like really put that to use. And what I liked about Capital One versus Amex, like Amex... I will say their customer service for like booking a flight is like top notch. But what's a bummer is if you're not booking through them, you can transfer your points, but it's only to like a certain like number of other airlines. Capital One, I booked that and they just reimbursed me. So it was just like you book wherever you want, come back and just ask for reimbursement. And like then you can reimburse yourself with points. And I like that much better. It's like a lot more freedom to do it. So yeah I agree I think that living like bougie on a budget that's a good name for a podcast that's a great name for a podcast so I don't want to start that but like if someone does credit us but that's a great name for a podcast I love to live bougie on a budget, bougie on a budget baby it's just it's the way to be I have a question for you and then I want want to tell you about how I'm using your archetype, the notion thing, but have you manifested anything since we last recorded? Oh my God, probably. Let me pull up my notion. Speaking of, I'm really excited because the physical manifestation journals. We talk about those. I'm so excited. Yeah, they're coming out, I believe, the first week of March. Don't hold me accountable, everybody, because basically they're getting produced overseas and it's that one time of year where it's the lunar new year so there's like a bit of the like a lull in production so but I'm so excited and I just heard back from the manufacturer that she greenlit that we can do the two colorways so you guys have a choice to choose between like the two colors and yeah I'm just so excited because even I was sitting on my couch the other day and I was flipping through the samples and I was just like. This is so cool to just physically hold and it was extra cool and I'm going to do like a whole solo on this when it comes out, but it was extra cool because I basically spent the whole summer putting this together unknowingly and kind of like channeling it. And so, yeah, I'm just really excited for everybody to have something like physical to be able to do this, to circle back to something that I have manifested. Manifested I just manifested myself a really great new pair of sunglasses I have like been using the same pair of sunnies for a really long time like when I find a pair I just like love them and I just realized I've been wanting to get a new pair and so I was doing no spend Jan until one thing and a friend of mine posted that it was a buy one get one free from this brand called called Vela. I'll link it below. But yeah, I did a buy one, get one free. So actually, I just got two new pairs of sunglasses. But yeah, they were on my list. That's amazing. I love that. Also, I'm very excited for your journal to come out because I was in the market for one and I couldn't find one that I loved. So I just had a blank blank papier journal now for that, but I'm happy that you're actually creating one. That's really cool. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to send you it. I cannot wait to get it. Okay. So my notion, the way that I am now doing it is I'm doing... My whole 2024 vision board on it. And I'm using your archetype, but I'm just doing it for the whole year. And then I do it like a monthly mood board under my 2024 mood board. So I have a Jan mood board under my yearly one. And then I just change it. And then I have Jan goals or whatever. So I have like daily habits for Jan, monthly goals for Jan. And then I'll just I'll just change it every month. But that way, because I wanted something. Zach and I did these together on the first. And I wanted to have something where it was like for the whole year. And I was going to do it physically. But I was like, actually, it's so much easier to do it here. Because I can just pull everything I want from Pinterest. And it's just so like quick. Yes. And now I'm like obsessed with making them. So fun. And I actually had to do it for one of my classes in grad squad to like create a collage and I was like this is so easy now that I know how to do this but I just I love it it's so great so I love to hear how you're using it because like I feel like everybody kind of customizes it in their own unique way which is so fun but I totally agree with you I used to be someone who like liked to physically make mood boards and don't get me wrong I still love to do it but I find that having like. The internet at your disposal just helps you get like so much more specific and like exactly what you're looking for and you can kind of like search for the images if you have something in mind so I am such a proponent for doing them digitally and I love that you're doing like a year one it's like your master mood board and then you have like little monthly ones that you make that's that's amazing yeah I'm really I'm really loving it and I was just like this is so cool that I already have like a little template and I already like know kind of what to do because if I was going into that bear like I that is not how my brain works so like having your template kind of frame it for me allows me to be like more creative like the structure allows me to be more creative so I love it's been really helpful you know because then I'm like okay this is what I want to do for this so that has been really great and I love that quick little pop culture check-in yes and And by pop culture, I just mean Taylor Swift, which is basically what our entire cookies has turned into is a Taylor Swift fan account. Just a Taylor Swift fan account. But I just think it's interesting because I'm assuming that everyone saw this. Travis Kelsey is going to the Super Bowl and Taylor was there to celebrate him. It was very fucking cute because she went onto the field and they made out and they were really excited to be with each other and it was so sweet. But mostly what I wanted to talk about was that she was getting so much flack from the Ravens fans saying that she ruined the NFL. She is getting that flack online that everyone's like, Taylor Swift, why is she there? Why are they? She's being shown so much. And it's just so much misogyny. Because I'm like, what? And someone made a point about this on TikTok. This man, which I was like, hell yes. He was like, you know what? Taylor is not going to hear this, but you know who will? Your fucking daughters. And that will teach them to be small. That will teach them that they can't shine bright or else people will tear them down. And I was like, God damn it, yes. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. You know? Like, it's enough. And she's not trying to get on TV on a game. She's there cheering her boyfriend. Like, they're doing that to get more viewers, which, like, is working. They're doing it for the business. And, like, she's, again, helping that economy. So it just really, I think, is, like, speaks to a larger issue, you know? Yeah, that's such a bummer. I didn't see, like, that specific commentary. But, yeah, it just, you'll, like, even see videos of her, like, at the games. And she's, like, hiding. She's, like, enough already. Yeah. Like, leave me alone. Like, it's so silly. Yeah. I was also going to ask, what did you think about the whole, like, Barbie Oscar thing? Am I surprised in a way? No. Because I think, unfortunately, the Academy is just – has its own misogyny and its own weird –, freaking systems that they use and obviously I think like again there are probably dollars that are secretly going on behind doors and kind of like backdoor deals if you will like I don't know if it's all as democratic as we think it is totally it is definitely like campaigning for sure yeah yeah like it's a little I don't really know the politics of the academy that being said I just am so floored that like Greta or Margot were not nominated in their categories and I just it's frustrating but at the same time it's like in a way they have the film to just prove their point so I think I said on Instagram the other day I'm like if Ryan Gosling wins he knows what to do like he knows exactly what to say he knows what to do here and I would trust that hopefully like he would at least speak out on something but yeah it's just a little disappointing. How do you feel i was there originally and then i heard some people talking about it and it kind of like it resonated and it was women talking about it and they were kind of like. Look like the film made a billion dollars like greta gerwig and like margot robbie are doing okay And like they were recognized and they don't need an Oscar in order to like be recognized for their achievement like that. Sure. They already are recognized for that achievement. I was like, I agree. I thought the Margot thing I was like, she is nominated because it's for Best Picture, which is her producer role. Like that is, you know, her getting that movie off the ground and all the things like that is her nomination for that part. The acting, I did think she was incredible. But like that's the way the cookie crumbles with the Oscars. I was more devastated that Greta Lee wasn't nominated for Best Actress because she was fucking fantastic in past lives. Yeah. Although I do think... Lily Gladstone being nominated for the, you know, the first Native woman to be nominated is, like, so exciting. And she's just incredible. And I love her. So, like, that's really exciting. So for me, the Margot thing wasn't that disappointing. I was more disappointed by Greta and I was more excited for Lily. But I was kind of confused about, I'm like, how is Barbie nominated for Best Movie, but Greta isn't nominated for Best Director? But what I also heard these people point out is, like, there is 10 movies nominated for Best Picture, and there's only five directors nominated for Best Director. So it's actually not that abnormal, and they're not singling out Greta as, like, you know, whoa, no women. Do they nominate more men than do they nominate women? Yeah. Yeah. Like do more women directors need to be nominated? For sure. And I think that's more of the issue. And centering it around that was like, yeah, like, I think that makes more sense. So I feel I felt a little bit like what the fuck at first, but then that perspective kind of shifted for me. And also like Margot Robbie and Greta Gerwig are like, we're cool. Like, we just made a billion dollar movie. Also, Margot Robbie is like on fire. Like she is such an amazing producer and brings such amazing films like to life. Like she's killing it. I think I'm with you in the sense that like the two of them are like, we made our point. We've won already. We don't need some academy telling us that, you know? And so I think I can imagine there's so much more of their self-worth than being like ho-hum about an award system where, like I said, we don't even know like the politics that go on behind the scenes so right and I think like saying Barbie was snubbed is not appropriate because it's like America Ferrera was nominated as she should be she is fantastic and like that's super exciting like that's not a snub it was nominated for best picture like it wasn't snubbed yeah like Barbie is getting recognition for being the powerhouse of the box office that it was so I think like the conversation was a little overblown but But anyway, okay, we can get into the regular topics now. I just, I had to touch on the pop culture. All right. Well, I'm really excited to kind of bring you guys a Valentine's Day episode. And honestly, we have so much to cover on this topic. But I guess before we go into a little bit of the theme that we had discussed, what are you doing for Valentine's Day real quick? Well, I don't know yet because Zach is planning it. Oh, nice. So we're going to do something. We're not going to do anything big because we have a lot of travel lined up. We are going to the Bay actually this weekend to watch one of his friends get married. And then we are going to Sedona for my birthday. We're going in April, even though my birthday is in March because flights in March were like insane. insane. So we're going the first week of April. And then he's also going to his friend's birthday right after that. And then we're going to Hawaii for his birthday. But it's a surprise. Amanda Birkenblair. Also, I got that flight with points. So it's free. We're whispering because Zach's in the other room. He absolutely cannot hear. But you guys, okay, we'll talk about this over text. So I have a million questions for you now. But But we got to play it cool. So we have a lot of travel. So like Valentine's Day is going to be like chill. Like I was like, I just want, I do want like some romance. So like light me some candles. If we go out, make sure it's romantic. But like, I just want to be with you and I want like a mushy card and like, that's it. So what are you guys doing? Great question. We still have to align on it, which by the way, I'm a huge proponent for like aligning with your partner on expectations for holidays like this, especially because it can feel really hallmarky and like there's a lot of pressure and sometimes people really care about it and sometimes like other people don't also i've had years where i don't give a shit about it and other years where i'm like i want to celebrate so i am definitely going to be aligning with my partner on it i don't i don't really know what it is yet like we we don't have any plans but, I think like off the top of my head, I'm with you. I don't think it's going to be anything too crazy this year just because we also have a lot lined up. So I think we're just kind of, you know, gonna do something that feels a little bit more authentic to us, but low key. I can imagine us cooking just like a nice dinner, picking up like a good piece of like fish or something. And then I always love flowers. So I'll probably like get for sure I'll get him flowers flowers and like write a little note, but nothing too, nothing too wild. I don't think we'll be like doing big gifts or anything. Like we don't really do that. Yeah. We're going to do gifts just, but like little gifts. Yeah. Cause I, well, I specifically was like, hey, can we do gifts this year? Cause I know what I want to get you. And he was like, oh, okay. Exactly. But no, it's good. It's good. Like anybody listening, like aligning on expectations is really important. Which is is being honest in your relationship, which is sort of what we're going to talk about today. And I actually, I was talking about this on my Instagram, and I have a beautiful quote from bell hooks that I would love to read about this, if I may. Please. She said, and this is from All About Love. The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings in order to attract and please others. When men and women punish each other for truth-telling, we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving, we willingly hear the other's truth, and most important, we affirm the value of truth-telling. Oh my God, that's so beautiful. Isn't that so beautiful? Wow. Yeah. And can relate to the suppressing your truth for decades of my life. Exactly. And I think that, you know, when we talk about, so what I was talking about in that post is like how important honesty is to intimacy. And this is intimacy in friendships and this is intimacy in romantic relationships. Because if you are not able to be honest, you are not able to be vulnerable and you are not showing yourself. And the sort of root of that is that insecurity that she's speaking of from your inner child wounds of you weren't allowed to tell the truth when you were a kid. If you were more male identifying, even though you don't identify if I as that as a kid, but sort of given that to you, you know, then you weren't allowed to have feelings at all, right? You know, you had to like be a man in a certain way. And if you were more female, then, you know, you were allowed to feel certain things, but you also couldn't be too dramatic and you definitely couldn't be demanding and you weren't allowed to be angry and you needed to be pleasing. Like that shapes you as you then get older. And then honesty is is like, well, one, what is that, right? Because you have spent your whole childhood learning how to lie. And like lies feels like so evil, right? But I think oftentimes they're not, right? It's just like, I think a great example of this is faking an orgasm. Yes. Right? Like that seems really unproblematic. Like I'm making my partner feel good and I'm not making them feel bad. And like, I'm just taking control of that. I had a friend actually who was like, we were in our thirties and I had, I think, you know, in my twenties faked an orgasm a couple of times. And then I was like, this is dumb. Cause what does that do? Nothing for me. And this person isn't learning like what my body needs. And so like, no. And definitely when I was in my thirties, I was like, that is insane. Why would we do that? But she was in her 30s and still doing it. And I was like, girl, friend, what are you doing? And she was like, well, no, because why would I tell them? And I was like, so that you can, one, get off. Hello, that's important. Two, that person needs to know. You don't have to hurt their feelings. You don't have to be like, hey, you're terrible in bed. But you can be like, I love it when you do this versus this. Or this feels really good. This gets me closer to orgasm. or whatever it is you can communicate. It doesn't have to be cruel, right? And you're inhibiting that person from learning and growing. You're inhibiting intimacy because you're not being transparent about what your needs are and you're harming yourself. And so I think with honesty and. We can think like we're being kinder by not being honest, but in actuality, that's not true. It's so much more harmful. It's so much more harmful. It just, it's stripping you from having the depth and intimacy with yourself and that being mirrored in all of the relationships that you have. Like, I feel like there's such a distinct version of myself that I can recall that was not honest about how much I was feeling, really. And it's funny, right, because you brought up such an interesting point. Like, lying, right, sounds like such a, like, big evil thing. But it's really like it's in in the context that we're talking about it's almost this weird like, disguised thing right where you're like well it actually might be better to like glaze something over so that there's harmony right but I think we then kind of train ourselves out of this honesty and we end up almost like creating a muscle around dishonesty and it kind of becomes a snowball effect, right? So it's not like I don't think we're sitting here being like, we're intentionally lying. Like, I think back to your quote, it's this almost slow burn of. Wow, look what this kind of cultural innuendo has created for me and my life over time. And I think until you kind of come to and you have this awareness around it, you know, we could live our entire lives in that echo chamber, if you will. And it's really interesting because I do do remember this very distinct kind of like before and after in my life where I feel like now that I'm sitting in a seat where I do feel comfortable speaking my truth and my honesty with just, you know, without it needing to feel like it's cruel. Again, I think there's this like weird messaging of like, if you're honest, it's cruel. And like, once I reframed that. I now feel like I've never had better relationships in my freaking life. And that's friendships, that's romantic partnerships, that's being with coworkers, all those different things. And I think it has helped me become so much more intentional in relationship building. So I love this. I love that we're getting into this. It's so important, right? And it is uncomfortable to make this is personal. Even Tatiana and I have had to have some conversations that were potentially uncomfortable. And we were honest with one another about the thing and how we felt about it and like what each of us needed. And therefore, there was nothing that was standing between you and I being good, right? Like, if I don't bring something up, because I'm trying to keep the peace, peace, I am not actually keeping the peace because I will grow in resentment. So that will lash out in other ways. That means you could be passive-aggressive towards someone. That means you can lash out at a different moment where you're like, whoa, what the fuck? This is really tiny and you're blowing up. All of these things that can come out in all these different ways, you don't actually keep the peace, right? You just separate more from that person by not being Because no true intimacy can live there, right? And instead, we've had, you know, two of these conversations and they went very well and they were not big deals. They were like small things. But I was like, oh, I'm so glad that I am, you know, we have a relationship now. A friendship and a working relationship that is built on honesty. Like, that is so important. And do you know what I think is so beautiful in, like, our interactions that have happened is that it's actually been a really good, like, reinforcing muscle for me, even though our, you know, what we've chatted about in the past or, like, worked through together in the past was never a crazy big thing but it was just important for us to speak our truths in different scenarios and that has even helped me like and reinforced for me oh look how a easy this can be be harmless right and see like how good we can just feel afterwards both of us and just it's clear it's aligned and what I've loved is like in some of our conversations that we've had We've been like, oh, oh my gosh, like, I didn't realize this. Oh, okay. I'm realizing now that you point this out. It's coming from this. Oh, okay. I'm, you know what I mean? And like, we're like really like able to kind of like distill something down in such a friendly way where what's so funny is like in the past, I think if I go back to like my attachment style, I'm such a classic, like avoidant previously before I've come to kind of more of an earned secure space and I would definitely be someone who would kind of avoid conversations that felt more honest with like my whole like force behind it I'd be like I cannot do this because I'm so deeply avoidant right and so this has been like reinforcing that earned secure space that I am in so it feels so good to be able to do that and I actually am curious to hear from you a little bit bit more because you've said it a couple times now, like something doesn't need to be delivered in a cruel way. Can you actually like articulate on that? So I think, you know, this is something that, I think honesty can get twisted, right? Like, honesty can be used to be cruel and manipulative. Oh, I'm just being honest. And like, you're upset, but like, I'm just being honest, right? And that is a very different thing than what I'm talking about. So if we're being cruel, we're throwing judgment at someone, we're being abusive in some way, physically, emotionally, psychologically, we are, you know, shaming someone. One, or we're like sharing an unsolicited opinion, I think that can also not be the like kindest thing to do. But if we're sharing, you know, this is how I feel about something, right? So to me, I'll give like a scenario and like what honest and kind would be versus like cruelty disguised as honesty would be. So for example, if you were, you know, hanging out with a friend and you were are like feeling uncomfortable in your outfit and you ask that friend if you looked fat. And someone who is being honest and being kind would say to you like, I think that you look beautiful, but I can tell that you feel uncomfortable. Let's talk about that. What's going on for you? Do you feel like, you know, you don't like it? Does it feel too tight? Like to me, I can see maybe it is a little tight. Right. I think that's fine if you're OK with that, if you feel good in it. But what's most important is you feel comfortable, whatever. Like it would be like questions and, you know, sort of going into that on another scenario. Someone who is being cruel and disguising as honesty could preemptively be like, hey, you look really terrible in that skirt. It makes your hips look big. Right. And then if the other person was like, that's so rude, they could say, I'm just being honest. Like that's not necessary. Like that's not actually being honest. That is you are feeling something, that person who is using that cruelty, you are feeling something internally. You are being triggered in some way that you don't have the language for. And you have patterning around using that hurt to lash out at others in pain, probably because that was done to you in childhood. So you had a framework for that's how relationships are. And two, to protect that vulnerable part of you, right? And like, that's your survival strategy is I'm going to lash out versus, you know, get clear about what that is so that you can work that through. So you don't have to say that. You know, you don't have to be cruel and like lash out in that way. What would you say, like, if the person just kind of lied? I think that is a more common trope, right? Of, like, that's why I used it because it's such a common thing that girls would be like, do I look fat in this? And, you know, their friends are like, no, of course not. You look great. And while I think that I have never looked at someone's body and been like, they look fat in that. Like, that has never been a thought that crosses my mind. But I have seen outfits on a friend and been like, oh, that looks like it's too tight or it looks uncomfortable or you look like you don't feel confident in that. Those are more things that I pick up. And I think we want to protect people's feelings. We don't want to hurt them. And we don't want to be cruel. Right. So we're trying to prevent that cruelty and that potentially uncomfortable conversation from happening by just blanketing and being like, oh, where I think that, you know, when we're asking a question like that, we're speaking to our insecurity and there's more. There that need that could be talked about that's like more of a moment of like how are you feeling are you having like a bad body image day what's going on for you do you want to talk about that like let's talk about well how do the clothes make you feel like I just think there's more opportunity to have more intimacy inside one of those situations versus kind of dismiss and deny and hide which is again what we've been taught to do not have an uncomfortable conversation Conversation, not sit with someone inside of their uncomfortable feeling, potentially explore that with them. Sometimes people don't need that. Sometimes they just need you to witness, right? Differing needs, different times. But we haven't been taught to do that. There's not, as you said, muscle memory there. there. Something I'm distilling from this too is that, and it's not always the case, but I like that you pointed out that sometimes it has nothing to do with the exact scenario at hand. And maybe like it's that deeper topic of like, okay, how can I actually maybe like ask more questions to benefit you in this moment? I love this distinction between all of these categories because like, let's be real, we've probably been in all of them in some scenario in our lives. Lives and so it like kind of to me comes down to like how we can more effectively communicate about having like honest and intentional relationships and you know in a way it makes me think too about. How you know it's not like we sit down with each person we know and we're like we're we have an intentional relationship I think it's almost like kind of taking inventory of the different relationships that you have in your life and almost like like defining them I'll use our our relationship, for example, because I think it can kind of paint an interesting picture for everybody. Amanda and our relationship has evolved over time. We continually define the relationship. It's not like one day we sat down and we were like, this is our relationship, right? This is how we will show up. Yeah, exactly. I think it's kind of what's a neat concept is really this idea of almost like what are your relational scripts with people and what are the ways that. You to have an honest dynamic. You know, I can think of some people in my life where I'm like, you know, we actually just have much more of a casual relationship where we actually don't even go as far as to having, you know, some of these more honest conversations, right? Like they're a little bit more casual, but I think sometimes I find myself the deeper I go into some of my relational circles, that is when I need to kind of work and exercise those muscles. As I've gotten older, especially in my later 30s, I have had zero tolerance for relationships that don't have the capability to be honest, depending on the category of friend that they are. So if that person is a acquaintance, I do not have the same expectations on that relationship as I do a best friend or a close friend. So I will say, though, even inside that acquaintance, like casual relationship, I still show up honestly. That is like a value. That is the way that I live my life. So I wouldn't like lie in a scenario to like keep the peace in that acquaintanceship. If I'm doing that, then I need to really reevaluate that relationship in my life. Right. Like that is that's weird. That's not a relationship for me. but more speaking to like my closer friends my best friends those relationships really went through another sort of period of like really redefining what I want in relationships and a lot didn't make the cut because I was like this person has shown me time and time and time and time and time again they are not interested in that they are not interested in showing up honestly and. For deeper intimacy. And that's fine. That's where they're at. And that is fine. And there's moments in my life where I was not ready for that either. But once I have gotten there, I'm like, that's all I want. Right. So I want people that show up that way to me. That does not look like perfection. Right. Like Zach and I show up that way to each other and we stumble and fall through that. But that is always our intention. And that is our true north. And that is where we always go go back to and we always check in with. And that is also what I'm looking for in my other relationships is like, that's our true north and that's our intention. It's okay. We're going to get it wrong and we're going to stumble. And I am great with that as long as I know that that's what we're going to go back to. I think what's interesting too is I'm wondering, have you been ever in a relationship and maybe this might come to mind more quickly because you know like you said you've been more and more intentional just as you age and like grow into yourself. And I'm wondering have you ever found yourself in a scenario where you are in relationship with someone and you find yourself continually you know meeting yourself with your value of honesty and like being honest but the person that you're in relationship with can't meet you there have Have you ever been in that scenario? Literally, yes. I mean, a lot. But the one that's coming to my mind is a friend who, I mean, I've had many dating situations. And, you know, potential partner who was also not interested in that, but different story. But, like, the one that comes top of mind is a friend who punished me for being honest. So would ask me, to be honest, had been mad at me for not being more upfront with how I was feeling about or what my opinion was on something she was talking to me about. And then when I gave it. Would get mad and punish. That was a cycle for a while. And I just kind of took it. And then as I like grew into myself and my security and my worth, I was like, no, no. Like what you're asking me to do is take on all of the emotional work of this relationship. You're not willing to do your side because of course, if I'm honest about, you know, you're sharing a scenario with me, like, let's say you're sharing a scenario with me and I say something, I am very blunt. Like, that is true. I am blunt. And if I say something that feels too sharp, that is completely possible. And if you tell me that, whoa, thank you for being honest, but like, wow, that felt really sharp. That really hurt my feelings. I would immediately be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. That was not my intention. Why did it feel that way? Can we like discuss it? Do you feel open to that? Do you need some time? Can we come back and discuss it so I can understand how to like better communicate what I was trying to do or what did you hear? We can like talk it through. Cool. You're willing to do the work with me. You are meeting me halfway. But if you say I want your opinion, so you're saying in that scenario, that's my request of you and I give that to you and then you punish me and shut me down, get mad at me, blame me. You are throwing all the work on my And asking me to do your work. And I'm not fucking interested in that at all. No, thank you. And also, I think if there is not honesty, there is not safety in a relationship because there is not trust. Right? So I know I feel the safest I have ever felt in my relationship was Zach because I know that we are 100% honest with each other, even if we're not going to like what we hear. So we have such trust. So I feel very safe with him because I don't have to predict what he's going to do. And if we have grown up in traumatic, toxic homes, dysfunctional homes, we had to try to predict our caregivers' behavior, their moods. That's what people-pleasing is, right? That's what avoidance is. That's what anxious attachment is. That's what disorganized attachment is. And there's always that feeling of I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe, right? I can't be myself because I don't know how you're going to be. I don't know if I'll be safe with you to be myself, right? And so as I've gotten older, as I've worked through my attachment stuff, gotten closer to secure, really recognized my worth, I became a safe place for myself first and foremost. So I could see myself and be like, man, getting angry at that customer service person wasn't great. But I'm not mad at you. You're still a good person. So I became like that safe place for myself so that I wasn't able to tolerate other people being unsafe for me as easily. Because there was such a distinction, right? It was like, oof, I am on eggshells because I can't predict how you're going to behave. I don't know if you're going to be honest. I don't know if you're going to lash out. I don't know. There's not that honesty there. There's not that vulnerability there. There's not that intimacy there. There's not that safety. There's not that trust, right? And that has become intolerable for me. If I'm going to be in relationship with you, I want honesty so that there can be intimacy, so that there's trust, so that there's safety for the both of us, right? Like that's why I think honesty for me is such a value because I want people to feel safe with me. You're not gonna be like, whoa, that came out of nowhere. Like, you know that I'm gonna be honest, right? Like I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna hold the back, I'm not gonna do whatever, right? So I think that's another sort of layer to this. If you are struggling with feeling safe in relationships And if you're like really in your attachment, that's happening no matter which way you fall in the attachment spectrum. I would argue there is also probably an honesty issue happening. And again, it's not because you're a bad person and you're actively trying to do that. But it's because there's patterning around that for you about I can't be myself because it's unsafe. So like I have to be this other thing. And I don't know about you. Right. And so now we're entering into relationships where both of us are doing that. You just said like so many amazing things there. It made me think too, I'll use an interesting example from my personal life that I'm curious to get your take on. But it reminded me as you were saying, so former me used to have an avoidant attachment style. And especially when I was a teenager, and like, I mean, literally, I was 15. So I've forgiven myself long ago. I used to be someone who had kind of, I didn't have like one core friend group in high school. I remember I kind of had like a lot of different like groups of people that I would hang out with. I kind of like floated around in that sense. And so thus it resulted in me kind of as a young 15 year old, just like having different groups and activities kind of lined up through the weekend. And there was this one group of friends that could never see that I had other friends. I still have some friendships with some of these people, to this day. And we've had honest conversations before about how I may or may not have been like flaky as a young teenager. And like a couple of them used to be like, you used to pick the better plan. And I'm like, you know what? I was 15. I can own to that. I probably was because I was definitely following my hormones. And I was like, where are the cute boys at? You know what I mean? It was pretty simple for me. To this day, I still am in some relationships where I have had life things come up. There had been plans in place and I just have had to be honest and be like, hey, well in advance, I'm not going to be able to see this through for X, Y, and Z reason. I'm so sorry, let's reschedule or whatever it might be. And I've had people, because they've been in my past for so so long, like get triggered around it. And it's made it really difficult to be honest, though I still keep showing up. I think it was a couple of years ago, I remember kind of having conversation with myself being like, you know what, no one's going to get like exclusive treatment for me. Like everybody is going to be getting the same version of myself that I show to everybody else. I'm not going to be like pampering or kind of toting around someone extra because I think they they need extra handholding. And so it's just been very interesting. And I think it's kind of. Bring this into real time, right? I have also experienced almost this discomfort of having to show honesty. And in a way, when you were saying that you realized that you didn't want to keep showing up and doing the work for your friend as well, I found myself in that position too, right? Where I'm like, I have recognized that I'm just showing up with honesty as my best self, with like as much, you know, truth and transparency behind whatever, you know, quote unquote conflicts there are. And then to continually be met with like old patterning that has been brought up time and time again. I think I have hit a certain point in certain friendships where I'm like, I'm actually done. I'm a little bit done here in the sense of like, I'm not going to wear your additional burden, right? Like I'm doing what I can to keep keep things afloat. So anyways, that just came to mind. Yeah. I mean, I would say in that scenario, like if it depends on if there's repair that's wanted, like if there is repair that's wanted from, you know, you or both sides, I think a deeper conversation needs to be had about like, yo, I hear you about behavior that felt not cool when we were 15. I feel like we have talked about that. I feel like I have owned it and I feel like I have apologized for it. If you don't feel that way, let's talk about that. But what I don't feel okay with now and which feels really inappropriate to me is that we're continuing to bring that up and throw that in my face. This is how that feels for me. This feels da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. So I want to understand... Why? What are you feeling that is making you want to bring that up? And how can we like get to a frame of reference where we're no longer bringing up the past now? Like, do you think you can get there? What do we need to work on? What do we need to talk about in order to get there? Because that I'm not willing to continue to do that. If you don't feel willing to do that okay we need to have a conversation then about like maybe we need to take some space from one another but so if you're in a friendship that you're wanting that repair i would have a deeper conversation about like we need to what's going on yep i love this advice because there's something else that person is like that person is still deeply triggered i would imagine that the flaking that happened at 15 made them feel unimportant or not worthy, which is something they already had from their experience as whatever. Home they grew up in and that reinforced that for them. And that's something that they have not worked on, clearly. And that's something that they're still very deeply triggered by. And so they're getting very triggered by that, but they're not fully owning that, right? So what owning that would look like for those that are listening is, okay, you need to change plans. that's fine. I just want to be really transparent with you. When you initially told me that made me feel like I felt at 15, I felt really unimportant to you. I felt like our friendship didn't matter. It made me hurt and it made me upset. I recognize that those pieces are like mine, but I think I'm also maybe feeling like we haven't connected or I don't feel prioritized. And I would love to like work together to figure out how I can get those needs met here. Mm hmm. Right. Brilliant. So that is acknowledging how they feel. Right. You don't have to not say how you feel. Again, we're talking honesty, but you have to take responsibility for your piece. And if you're constantly throwing something in someone's face, you are not dealing with what your shit is. Totally. That is such a good perspective. And exactly these micro conversations that we're like digging into are what people avoid because they don't want to like hear it or they don't want to like have to do the labor, right? Like even me, like there is a part of me as you're saying that that's like, I don't want to do it. It's uncomfortable but that's also preventing intimacy right so if you have that conversation with that friend and again it's if you want repair there's relationships sometimes we're like i don't want repair so like we're good then that provides more intimacy. Right and like then that's a deeper relationship right so like the conversations that you and i have had we could have not had them but then our intimacy wouldn't be as deep as it is right so So like now there's a level of trust here where like we have created a relationship that if something comes up, we know we're going to bring it forward. So it's clear and it's gone and we don't have to worry. Like I'm never going to be like, I wonder if Tatiana is mad at me. Yeah, never, never. Right. Because I'm like, we have the relationship that if something happened, you will tell me and we will deal with it. Yeah. If something happens on my end, I will tell you and we will deal with it. Right. There's not that unsafe feeling of like, I don't know where I stand. Right. And it takes honesty in order to create that. And that's having those uncomfortable conversations and really digging in. Oh, I love this. This is so good. Yeah. Maybe a takeaway here for anybody listening, you know, where do you think that if they're like, okay, I'm tracking everything, like I'm with you, I'm ready to kind of like bring more honesty into my relationships, bring more intentionality into my relationships. I'm curious, like what your advice is for people. So I would say journal the last five interactions that didn't feel good to you and you didn't say anything about. And that can be super small. And I think the biggest tool for this is learning how to go back and correct. That is really hard for people to like, oh my God, that person is going to think I'm insane. They're going to think I'm being so whatever. And it's okay to go back and correct, right? So if your friend said something to you in passing that really hurt your feelings and and you just let it brush over, you know, after this conversation, like, okay, I want deeper into me. I want to learn how to be more honest. I want to like work through that inner child wound that prevents that for me. Write down that interaction and then go back and correct with that friend. Hey, last week, XYZ was said, I recognize that you probably didn't mean anything by it, but it really hurt my feelings. I'd love to talk about it. Are you open to that? that. Right. And go from there. So once you start, it's, it's bringing awareness. It's also understanding sort of like the deeper part of it, which I would recommend working on with a coach or a therapist to understand like where the wound is for you. And then it's building awareness around the behavior so that you can go back and correct. And it's from that going back and correct that will teach you in addition to doing that deeper work, how to spot it in the moment and corrected in the moment. But that is not where we start. That is so brilliant, Amanda. And I think it gives so many people permission to be like, I can go back and revise something. I can go back and heal something. And it reminded me of how it was such a silly interaction that one time that kind of reinforced this in my brain for myself. But one time I was hanging out with Connor's extended family and his step-uncle came up to me way later in the day and he was like hey because I had like gone upstairs this was over COVID I had like gone upstairs to go work out and he goes I'm so sorry did you go away like and go to work out because of that comment that I said like had I upset you and I go what comment like like I didn't realize but he had thought because he said something to me in a joking way that then I had gotten offended and like gone upstairs and worked out and he goes he goes okay okay I'm glad I came to you about that. I'm a big fan of just wanting to correct anything that I have ever felt that there could have been a chance that I did a wrong. And that was the first time in my head I was like, oh my God, we can go back and correct things. You know what I mean? We don't have to sit in it. And I loved that it was so small and he was just extra mindful. And I thought it was sweet because I don't even remember he made some funny joke. I thought it was funny. Then I was like, okay, if I'm going to go work out, right? Right. And it's also sort of working against this idea that we have to be perfect. We don't, and that's impossible. And that will just keep you stuck in your patterns, that your patterns and ego will tell you that. But we get to be imperfect, if you will. And we get to learn and grow through these experiences, through these lessons. And we get to show up as we are. That's enough. Yeah. We're all just humaning for the first time, guys. We're just humaning for the first time. And like being a human is complicated. You know, being in relationships with other humans is complicated. Yes. It just is. Yeah. I think that's great that you were able to have that moment of like, oh my gosh, thank you for modeling for me a really healthy behavior of I'm able to check in. I'm able to go back and correct. I'm able to not be perfect and show up as I am. And like that is still I think that's beautiful. Yes, 100%. Well, thank you, Amanda. This was such a treat. Always such a pleasure to do episodes with you. I just feel like we have such good chats. So anyways, I hope you guys loved this episode. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you all feel deeply loved no matter what your relationship status is because you are. Oh, agreed. And Amanda, can you drop just for anybody who's maybe new here or is a longtime listener but, you know, wants to kind of tap a little bit more into your services? I just would love to. I know we didn't really properly intro who you are and what you're about. I don't always like dive in. So I would love, you know, maybe just share a bit about who you are and how we can maybe connect with you if we want to like work with you one on one. Yes, I'm a relationship coach right now, and I'm currently in the process of becoming a marriage and family therapist. I really specialize in attachment theory and inner child healing. And when I'm a therapist, I will be specializing in couples therapy and emotional focus therapy and the Gottman Method and some others that I really love. But you can find me on Instagram, xoamandablair. I'm also launching a newsletter that you can sign up for there, which is not about relationships, but it's about something really inspiring. But check my Instagram to find out more. And then also, if you want to work with me, I do coaching. And you can find more information about that on my website, amandablaircoaching.com. Amazing. And as always, we have everything linked in the show notes, but I love to just shout out. Well, thank you for tuning in and we'll catch you later. Bye. Bye. Music. Thank you for listening to the Bedside Podcast. I hope you loved this episode as much as we did making it. If you have any feedback, questions, or suggestions for future episodes, or if you just want to chat, don't hesitate to reach out to us at The Bedside on Instagram and thebedside.co online. You can also find us at ByTheBedside on TikTok. To stay updated on our latest episodes, be sure to subscribe to our podcast on your preferred platform. And if you found this episode valuable, I would so greatly appreciate if you could leave us a rating, a review, text it to a friend, share it to your Instagram stories. Let's get this message out there loud and clear. Until next time, thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you next week. Music.