Can You Be Friends with an Ex? 💔 Answering Your Manifestation, Sex & Relationship Q's: Quickie with Amanda Blair

QUICKIE: Can you be friends with an ex? How do you ask for more romance? Is dating a numbers game?  This week I'm back with my cohost Amanda Blair to cover your Q's on all things relationship dynamics, sex, and manifestation. We're diving into listener questions, sharing our opinions, and giving all the tools & tips toward a healthier way of relating. 

On this episode we cover

• Sophie Turner & Joe Jonas
• Dating as a numbers game
• Falling in love
• The soulmate energetic
• Creating a deep relationship with self
• Being friends with an ex
• Requesting romance
• Relationship checkins

📥 Download Monthly Archetype Template
💌 Subscribe to the Sealed List Newsletter
💘 Let's be internet friends!!

•  @thebedside 
• www.thebedside.co

Connect with Quickies cohost Amanda Blair:

• amandablair.org (she does 1:1 coaching!) 
• @xoamandablair

Be sure to rate, review, and share this episode with a friend! LOVE YOU!

Transcript

0:00

Music. Hello, Amanda. Hello, hello, hello. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another Quickies episode. This is a part two to the last Quickies we did because Amanda and I did a Q&A and we realized you guys had so many questions and we were just so excited to answer them. So we're continuing the first bout of questions in a part two. I'm excited. Me too. So before we get into things, we have a lot to catch up on. I know. You went to a Beyonce concert. And you had effing floor seats to Taylor Swift. OK. I did. I am so jealous. I can't even tell you. I wanted to get floor seats because I got tickets to go to the Eros tour next year in New Orleans. And I tried to get floor seats, and they got snapped out from under me. And they were pretty reasonable for floor seats. And I'm so bummed. I'm so sad. I hope you can upgrade those or something. We'll see. You're going to figure it out. But yeah, so it was so funny because I think the last Quickies we did, we, were talking about Taylor Swift. And I was like, oh, you were recapping your concert experience. And I was like, oh, I'm not going. And then, kid you not, a matter of days later, I ended up going. And it was a crazy manifestation because, okay, I don't know if you're, by the way, I'm now a full, full-fledged Swifty. Welcome to the world. Welcome to the world. Like I feel like I've been rebirthed. So I'm fully on Swifty Talk now, as one naturally is. And like a couple of days leading up to the concert or the Aeros tour, I was on TikTok and there would be people making videos being like, I'm manifesting my Taylor Swift tickets. Like I'm claiming them. Like it's gonna happen for me. And I remember seeing those videos and thinking, oh, that's such a cute idea. And then thinking in my head, yeah, I'm manifesting those tickets too. And then I just forgot about it, OK? Which is the best way, because you were just like, cool, I'm not worried about it, right? Yes. I'm not in desperation for it. It's good. Thank you. Like, that's the energy. That's always the vibe. That is the vibe. And so then I woke up the morning of her last night on tour, like her final show. And I texted one of my really great friends out here. And I was like, hey, I don't know why. It was like 7 in the morning, Amanda. I texted my friend. I was like, hi, do you want to go to the Taylor Swift concert tonight? And in my head, I was like, I'm not getting tickets, but let's go camp out outside the arena. Let's party. Let's just figure it out. Let's have fun, fuck around, find out. She just text me. And she's like, so here's the thing, like an hour later. And I'm at the gym at this point. She's like, here's the thing. I have two tickets. Will you come with me? And I was like, literally at the gym, my jaw dropped. I started jumping up and down. All these guys are like lifting heavy weights around me and I'm just like jumping up and down like a little jumping bean. As it deserves. Well, first of all, I just want to point out to the listener that you let me know that you were going to the Heiress tour, but you did not tell me that you had fucking floor seats. So when I saw your post the next day, I was like, um, a huge thing that you left out. Huge thing. You were like, huge detail. You didn't just go to the heiress tour. You were on the floor at the last show in LA where you got the 1989 announcement, and she wore all the blue, and it was all the things. Like, that's so special. It was crazy. It was so special. And like, shout out to my friend Haley who brought me. I didn't know quite what seats they were. Like, I just knew they were good, but I didn't really want to ask too many questions. Like, I wasn't expecting that. You were just like, no jinxing, I'm going, okay. Yeah, exactly. And I just kind of was like, let's go, let's have the best night of our lives. And then like, we had floor seats, floor aisle seats. Patrick fucking Tah walked by us, like makeup artist, do you know him? No. He does like Alex Earl's makeup and stuff. He, and his stuff's in like Sephora. He like went, I swear, like to all the LA shows, but I saw him walk by, it was so funny. He wanted to be seen. Oh yeah, of course. He was like, he like had a prance, it was hysterical. But I mean, all I'll say about that show is, and I know I went to Beyonce too, and still I think the Taylor Swift show is the best show I've ever been to in my life. I've never experienced a crowd like that. I've never experienced a show like that. And that's not to knock my experience at Beyonce at all, but there's something about Taylor where you feel like she's actually singing to you and she's one with you and one with the crowd. Beyonce was like goddess energy. It was like, can't touch this, like bow down to me, like da da da, which is like totally her vibe and like totally a different show. But it was like, yeah, no words for Taylor Swift. That was incredible. Incredible. Incredible. It's so cool that you got to go to like the two big huge tours this year. It's wild. And all of this was unplanned, but you know what? I'm just leaning in. You're leaving room for magic and look what's happening. Also, I am not like, I think Beyonce is fucking queen, but I'm not like, you know, in the beehive or whatever. Like I'm not a beehive fan. Neither am I. But I still would have, I mean, I would love to go to a show just because, you know, it's Beyonce, but I agree. I don't think that. Anything will ever top Taylor. And that's like Harry Styles, who I am also equally into. I know. And the concert was insane. But Taylor is just another stratosphere. And I think the difference too with her is that she has spent so much time, because she is also a marketing genius, cultivating such an intimate relationship with the fans. All the Easter eggs that she does, because she knows that the people that like that, she has just cultivated this relationship that really pays off when you're at the show. You see all that hard work she's been putting in since she was 16, and you feel that when you're there. It's really outstanding. When she announced 1989, and she was so cute. She was like, so you know I'm crazy. And she did the crazy in the head, pointed at herself. And then she was like, and today's the ninth day of the eighth month of the year. And the crowd's like, wow! Which is so wild because I am on Swift Talk as well. And so I see all the people that are hunting for the Easter eggs and doing all the things and the fact that they were right. Because sometimes you're like, you guys are crazy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, calm down. And then a lot of the times, they're right. And I'm like, I think it's really cool. I am not a Swifty who hunts for the Easter eggs. Just don't have the time or the energy. I love that it's done. I love that other people do it. And I want to see what it is because I think it's fun at the, when I can just see the results. Me too. Someone make the TikTok. I'll watch it and happily consume it. I will watch it. And I'm happy to watch it. but like, I don't want to do it. But it's just, I think it's so cool that like she takes the time to like, to like give people that insight into it. You know, that it's just that intimacy. It's a way to bring someone who is so untouchable, into you in this new way, you know? Yeah, it's insane. I feel like you and I need to somehow wiggle our way to a concert together and we would have so much fun. Love it. I mean, come to New Orleans. I know, right? I should figure that out. I have time. I want to get... Because she's playing two nights there and I'm like, I wonder if I can get tickets to the second night. But I was looking at. StubHub for the second night in New Orleans and the resale is like $3,000 for no reason. I'm like, no, no. But yeah. And my seats are not as good as last time. Last time I had great seats. This time, not as great seats, which I'm kind of just like, whatever. It's fine. I'm going to have so much fun still. But I'm going with a friend, one of Zach's best friends, his wife, when they came down to, he was like, oh my god, I'm a Taylor Swift fan. I was like, well, we should go. And then the guys can come, and they can have a guys weekend. So they're coming, and they're going to go to New Orleans. And the guys will go do fun stuff, and then we'll go do stuff. Oh, hell yeah. Oh my god. That's so much fun. You're going to have the best time. Yeah. And I think I'm going to do reputation. Because I just, man, that set hit so hard. That did. I mean, I have a new appreciation for reputation that I've always liked it, but not fully. And now I'm really fully on board. I can't wait for that rerecord to come out. I know. And this is honestly a really good transition into what we wanted to talk about next. But one of the craziest things and feelings walking out of that show, as someone who I've always listened to her music, but pre the Aeros tour, I wasn't a crazy Swifty fan. Now I am, but I walked out of that tour and the first thought I had was like, this woman has the highest grossing show of all time. She's been torn down to the tiniest little shred by the media and. I have refallen in love with all her music and all the messaging behind it. And like, I feel like I was weirdly sucked into like, back in the day, I would never like, not now at all. But back in the day, I was sucked into this narrative of like, Team Kanye, like, Taylor Swift is so not cool. And I was like, Oh my god, I was leaning into this like horrible messaging and like, trying I know, like, again, like this misogyny of all at all. And it was just I just left. And I was was like, this is the coolest woman and I'm so inspired by her in every way. And what was like happening for her when she had that, when the media really took her down was everyone was like, she's calculated, she's calculated, she's calculated. And it's like, of course she's fucking calculated. You fucking have to be. She's at the top of the top of the top of the top. You don't get there by just being like, oh, gee whiz. You have to have a game plan. You have to be smart in business. You have to be smart in marketing. And that is not inauthentic. That is just part of doing what she does and doing it to the level that she does. And the fact that even in whenever that was, 2010's time, that women still, couldn't be celebrated for being good at business, being good at strategy when like men are lauded for doing the same fucking shit. Like it was so misogynistic and gross. It was so gross. It was so gross. And like the Kanye West of it all certainly hasn't aged well because he is not doing well. At all. At all. I hope that he is doing better soon. But speaking of misogyny. Our well wishes to Kanye West. Yes. I hope I wish him well. Our deepest condolences. Before we started, I was asking Tatiana if she wanted to start each quickie episode with a pop culture, a little just like what's going on in pop culture, because I love pop culture. I tune in. I know all like the hot goss and all of that. And I was really interested on the topic of misogyny about the Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas divorce. And that when it first leaked, that the narrative around it was it's because Sophie is partying. And a bad mom. Too much. And his bad mom. And Joe is like with the kids. And they released... And this saying like a source and people in that world were like, a source means his team. And I was like, oh, fucking course. And then a photo was released of her partying, which was on her, was just at her wrap party, like cheersing with bartenders that were making, you know, the crew and cast drinks. And I was just like, you know what? That girl, first of all, got with Joe when she was like 20 years old. Yes. Got married at 24 and had two babies right after that. She's 20 fucking seven. I hope she is partying. Me too. Like, she's 27. She is a child herself. I do think that she should not have gotten married, and I'm sad that she had her kids so early because she didn't get to go out and just be young. But that narrative of like, oh, well, that's just unacceptable, is like, are we still here? Yeah, it's crazy. I actually also saw people being like, Sophie has worked her ass off trying to hide her kids, from any sort of paparazzi. You've never seen them. And then all of a sudden there's a photo leaked of Joe and the kids. And it's just like- With the kids. Yeah, it was like, this is so stupid. And- What I loved is the internet, which the internet is usually a dark place, but the internet was like, we ride for the queen of the North. And I was like, yes. They were like, yes. Yes. They saw right through the bullshit. Women won this one. And fuck yeah. Like, because you know what, she is also a woman of means and she can afford to have a nanny come sleep with the kids when they're sleeping so that she can go out and like a nanny to like wake up. And I don't think that's a bad thing. Like having support, though not everyone can afford that, lifestyle, she can. And so if that means that she gets to like go out and let off some steam because she's 20 fucking seven, that doesn't mean she's a bad mom. That doesn't mean that she's not there for her kids. And the reason why Jo was with the kids more is because she was fucking filming. Yeah. And that's that. And that's that. And like, let's stop with the fucking narrative about being a bad mom because a woman deigns to have a life outside of having children. Yeah, it's like, Jesus Christ, it's crazy. I'm so happy that the like, internet caught on to that. Because at first, I was like, what's going on? Why are we like. This narrative felt bad. And then I was like, Oh, wait, okay, let's swoop it. But what I've also noticed is that now Joe has like switched PR routes and is like crying on stage this concert and I'm like, fucking get out of here. Yeah, I can't. Yeah, I saw another really interesting thing and like this is not to like slander him, but it was a whole piece again, a TikTok. It's okay. That's where we get a lot of our celebrity sources. A lot of celebrity sources. Because it was a TikTok of basically someone breaking down Sophie Turner's archetype and they were like, she's the quintessential cool girl. Like she has always just been so awesome and just like funny and charismatic. And they were comparing it to how Joe has always been kind of like trying to pin himself like with a cool girl and to like get out of that weird purity culture purity ring thing. He had going on with the disney channel And it's just very interesting. They were like think about it guys Like sophie turner was with a like she ended up with a disney channel guy. Like it was pretty random I don't know not to like hate on the jonas brothers. Whatever. They are who they are but I just thought it was also really interesting that like she's always been such a powerful essence and it's like Yeah, don't fuck with that. Totally. Like, I am just team. Keep that dumb narrative out of the press and like be on each other's sides and have each other's backs because you have kids Yeah, and you don't need to be together. That's fine But like in the media only seeing each other's praises if you guys are having trouble behind the scenes fine But like keep it keep it tight Yeah, keep it tight like me. No. Yep. Don't don't bleed that out into the public. That is so freakin messy Also, have you seen the um, this is very niche but have you seen apparently she like left a funny ring camera video it wasn't leaked but like people have been making jokes about what she left on the record that it happened but i don't know what i haven't heard the jokes about nothing to the public was leaked about yet, when this by the time this comes out who knows what's what's been leaked it was just said that she had said something on a ring camera that kind of escalated everything and so people have been being so hysterical online basically like impersonating her being the ring camera and and just seeing the funniest things in there that are like roasting him being like. That's funny. Yeah, it's just really good. I just love the internet. I mean, divorce is hard and I'm sorry for the both of them because that's tough to end a relationship, especially in marriage and especially with babies. But let's like, we're not gonna take down Sophie Turner. We're not gonna do that. Yeah, we're done taking down women. I'm over it. Boring. I'm over it too. Boring, next thing. Okay, let's get into questions. You know what, I'm just gonna read them because I have it up and like, I feel like that'll just be easier. I think so too. And then we'll both, we'll just give our two cents on each. Also guys, thank you for, before you get into the question, I just wanna say thank you for everybody who's been writing in We're gonna have to figure out a way. That we want to continue getting questions. We need like a website. We're going to figure it out, you guys. We're going to figure it out. We haven't thought about it since this last one, but we are going to figure it out. We're going to do it. We're going to move on to it. I'm ready. I'm ready. Any thoughts or opinions on dating as a numbers game? There are two schools of approach. One of them is doing whatever it takes to find the partner, putting in all the work, strategizing, pushing yourself to maybe even do things you normally won't do for the sake of creating opportunities to meet someone. Another one is let it go, live your life, surrender. It will happen in divine timing. And especially those people who say they found their partner when they were not looking, it happened when they least expected it. I feel like there's so much mixed messaging. Okay. I'm going to go first on this one because I actually... To that person, I was like, I already have a whole post about this. And this is something that I talk about. With every single client who comes to me for romantic love coaching. Dating is not a numbers game. You hear that in common dating rhetoric, but in my opinion, it is not. And we say that, like, oh, and you need to give people a shot because the message underneath that is don't trust yourself. And we want to trust ourselves above all else. So if you don't want to go on a date with someone, do not force yourself to go because it could be something great. Like, a little story, side note here, when I was 19, I was working at Chili's in college, having a great time. And I was a cocktail server because Chili's had a bar inside the restaurant. I thought it was so cool, which is like so funny. Anyway, I was working in there, just living the life. And this like hot guy sat down and I hit on him really hardcore and got a number Anyway, he asked me out and I did not want to go on the date. And I made myself go and fell in love. Anyway, he cheated on me with like eight different women. He told me he was going to marry me. I like it was long distance. He was in medical school. I got like chased around by like his fucking other girlfriend. He had another girlfriend. The day he got to his medical school, he got another girlfriend and she like cyber bowled me for... It was fucking the worst. Amanda, I'm just not over that you met at Chili's. Oh, I was just serving at Chili's, and I gave him... No, no, no. I gave him my number on the fucking receipt. I think I said, call me sometime, and I gave my number and like slid him the bill. I'm crying. Like after he had like paid with his credit card. I put my hand on this man's leg. I was like hardcore. I had no shame when I was young. I was like, I want it. I will get it. As one does with raging hormones at 19 years old. Totally. But I wish I would have listened to that initial, I don't want to go. That part of me knew what was coming. So dating is not a numbers game because you need to trust yourself. And you need to trust the no's. And you need to understand when you don't want to go out, you do not have to go out with someone because that person is not going to be for you. Because the universe is never trying to trick you. So you don't have to be like, oh, I have to try to force things or find the clues in this hidden message. No, if someone's a no, it's a no. Trust that above all else. And that will help you understand what your yes is. And you don't need to give also people a second shot if you're not into them. It's a no, trust that. Trust yourself at the end of the day. I also do think that the saying, when you're least expecting it, you find someone, which is definitely the case for literally all my relationships, especially Zach. I was not. I was in Europe having a fucking blast. I was like, I'm not even really thinking about this. I just want to check out the scene in Portland just to kind of know. And lone wolf, he was certainly not looking. I was I was his first person that he talked to on a dating app. And he was just like, uh. So dating apps are so easy. But that's because I was so in my worth. I wasn't thinking that I needed a relationship. I was so happy and satisfied with my life. And that's what it means when you say you're not looking. You're like, I want that. And when that happens, I'm here for it. But I don't need it. So I'm not chasing it. I'm not trying to force it. And that's what that really is. It's that you're not chasing after and trying to force. You are relaxed because you are not thinking that relationship is going to complete you, give you your worth in any sort of way. You have, you understand that that is an illusion and that you are giving yourself those things. And so you don't need every person you meet to be the one. You're just like, you're just a person. Yes. And we'll see how it evolves. But like there, it's to me, that's a worth thing. What do you think? And I think what you're saying is you're not putting your life on hold with what you're trying to bring in with partnership. So same way, I know your story of manifesting Zach, you were having the time of your life in gallivanting through Europe in the summer, just living your life, truly just continuing on. I think a lot of people would fear doing stuff like that because they're like, oh, I don't maybe want to do stuff solo, or like, I want to wait until I have a partner to be able to do something and enjoy that, right? Like they have the conditions in place. And I think, that's kind of what we're saying is like, also, like, like strip the conditions, live your freaking life. And I think like when I it's funny, the image that came up when this listener asked the question of numbers, made me almost think of like, in like grade school when boys, and I'm just going to speak very heteronormatively right now, but boys just start asking girls out for the heck of it just to see who's going to say yes. I think that's the image I have with the numbers game of just like, let's see, let's see, let's see who's going to just say yes, who's going to stick. It's less coming out, like you're saying, of that place of true knowing and true intuition and really feeling like you're making an authentic and good decision for yourself. And when, on the flip side, and this is just like echoing everything you said, you know, When you're dating, it should feel easy in the sense of you should feel the ease of just being like, yeah, I'm just going to get ready and go on this date and meet this person. Like that's like if you're getting any other energetic, like pulling you back, telling you no, kind of whispering in your ear, this might not be a good idea or right fit, you got to listen to that. Like when I found my partner, I couldn't believe like the ease with which we just like kind of were flowing around one another. There was no force, there was no questioning, right? And so I think that is the, we've spoken about this in other episodes around dating before, but I think really that is the energetic to follow and let yourself a bit off the hook of fighting it so hard. And also just, this is kind of just general with dating. When it is a person who you are gonna get like get into a relationship with and that person is emotionally available and they're going to like be a long-term partner, there is just no confusion. Yeah, there's no confusion. Never. Never. There's never confusion. And you never feel like, I need to analyze this because you know exactly how they feel. They are showing up. They have integrity. You are building trust together. And so there's just no drama. And now I'm like with clients, I'm like, if you are, you know, when they've been like seeing me for a while, I'm like, when you feel like you need to talk to me about a relationship, like a new relationship that you're getting to know someone, I want you to already think of that as like, hmm, something's up. Right? Because if you need to analyze it, you're not listening to what is being told to you. Right? Like, there is just like, when I think about, you know, when Zach and I were getting to know each other and we were falling in love. I mean, fuck. It was just heaven. I was a world away from him. I was on the other side of the world and I never, ever, ever had a doubt not for one second, every step of the way. It was appropriate. We weren't saying And we loved each other on the second date, by any means. Date being FaceTime. But at every stage, he just showed up so consistently. And so did I. That was being mirrored. And we were so open, so honest. Just no confusion. If there is confusion. It's not the relationship you're looking for. You're looking for ease, ease, ease, ease, ease, where it's just smooth fucking sailing. And I will say, it still is. And of course, we'll have a little disagreement here and there, but it's still smooth sailing. I'm always like, goddamn, this is so easy. It's great. I love that. It's so great being with someone who is just great. Emotionally stable, available. Yeah, like how sad for young me who dated all of those people who were not. But yeah, okay, I feel like we can do that. All right. This is a business question, which I'm interested to hear your take on. In a three-person business relationship and while the business feels really strong and the personal relationships are very difficult, how to navigate relationships when they're so, intertwined with money? Oh my gosh. Gosh, this is an interesting question. So they're saying the business feels good. They say the business is good, but the relationship with the other two people is difficult, especially with money. Okay, well, it's interesting because I've never really like been in, so Bedside and what I'm working on outside of Bedside, which I'll share with everybody soon, pre-launch baby, is something that I'm doing like as, Like I'm the co and solo owner of said enterprises, but I have been involved in a lot of like startup culture where there have been a lot of like heads at the table. So I think when it comes down to figuring out the dynamics. Like two of the first thing that came to mind Amanda is like, I think it's really important. And I've heard this before with people in business, specifically in starting companies together, but honestly to like go to therapy together with your partner. I was gonna say go to couples therapy. Yeah, that's what I've heard before. And I actually- Treat it like a marriage, because it is. Basically, especially when there's money involved like that. So I was actually like pitching something to a friend of mine from... Kate Morton from Funkit Wellness. We had her on the show a couple of weeks ago and she met my operations lead and I think she thought we were co-founders and she was like, you guys should really like, by the way, before you really get into this, like go to therapy together. And we were like, oh, we're not co-founders. She was like, okay, okay, right on. But yeah, I just. No, I think I've heard people do that. Like there was a podcast I used to listen to. I don't know if you ever listened to it. That's so retrograde. Yes. Yes. And they talked about how they went to therapy. And they did it regularly, quarterly, just to make sure everything was running smoothly. There was no resentments. No one was holding back. And it helped them because they were friends before. It helped them maintain their friendship as they were working together, which sadly, I feel like they're not friends anymore, but that is another story. That's not to foreshadow whoever's questioning us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was more COVID-related things from what I can see from from the outside. I think it's so important to treat this like a business relationship like a relationship, right? Like, you want to be open and honest and direct in your communication. So you guys need to be emotionally available to each other. You need to be able to talk about the hard things. And if that is difficult, bring in a third party that can help you get there. Because communication is going to be the way that you navigate tricky things. People are weird with money. because we, as a culture, have said money is shameful and bad, and so we shouldn't talk about it. And so we all have these weird hangups about money, and we all have these weird money triggers. And if we're not able to, one, understand that about ourselves, we're going to project a lot of shit. We're going to hold a lot back. We're going to build a lot of resentment. And we need to air that all out so that all sides of the street are clean. And we need to understand that if we're in business with someone, which I wish people would do this before they get in business with people. We want to make sure that that other person can meet us in that side of the street, right? Because it's hard when you get in there and you realize, like, ooh, that person cannot meet me on that side of the street, which, again, another reason to go to therapy to help navigate that. But I think that is the best way to rebuild a healthier foundation is get some help. I would agree. And it kind of reminds me of like how we talk a lot about like having relationship check-ins with like your partner, with romantic partners. And I think this is kind of the similar, even if anyone's listening and they're like, I don't have problems with a business partner, but like. I just think in general, it's good to have hygiene around these things. Keep it fresh. Keep it like, keep it tight. And like just make sure that you are not letting things percolate or like, amount to something and like kind of have a large to like a larger explosion at the end. I think it's really important to like maintain that like relationship hygiene. And so honestly, I would say therapy, like couples therapy for your business partners. But then I'd also even say, like, I'd look into like business coaches, too. There's a lot of people who consult on this sort of stuff, even if you were like, maybe it's less of a therapy route, but like, maybe we do need a coach to help like reset foundation. So I would kind of, I would look in that category for sure. But yeah, Amanda, you're right on the, you hit the nail on the head with the like, And when I say couple's therapy, I don't actually mean go to a couple's therapist. But I do mean like go to a therapist who understands like, which might be... Relationships, a coach. Yeah. But like is going to understand like the relationship dynamic because it still is a relationship in a day. And it is more like a marriage because you guys are intertwining your lives and money, which is, you know, that's difficult. Okay. In dating, how to break the pattern of attracting really good guys, good character, emotionally available, but they are not choosing you. Different guys, same energetic. Showing with their actions over time that they are not prioritizing you enough to want to get into a relationship with them. I'll have you kick this off. OK, so I think that the way we have to look at this first is being chosen. That is something that I hear about so much, and I also used to feel that way. And what it ultimately comes down to is you learning how to choose yourself. And that's not just something you do once. That's something you do continuously over time. I still have to wake up and choose me. I have to make me a priority, my health, my happiness, my well-being, my fulfillment, because that's not Zach's responsibility. And if I ask Zach to take that on, then we're not going to have a great relationship. Just like if he asked me to do that, we're not going to have a great relationship. We have a great relationship because we take responsibility for ourselves. So. First and foremost, you need to recognize that you're asking outside people to do something that you need to do yourself, and they can never do that for you. And that is also something that is going to be, you know, a little bit of a barrier, right? Because that is a block to intimacy, because they won't actually have access to you. They'll just have access to your wounding, and that's not the same thing. So, we want to be able to really present who we are and all of ourselves and our deepest truths and vulnerability. And we can't do that if we are leading with wounding. It just does... It blocks the rest of the things, right? Because we're like, we have to block it with this because all of this isn't good, right? And we have to get to the point where we're like, we open those gates and we accept all that stuff and say, this is good so that we can share that with someone else. So there will be a barrier there if you're not doing that for yourself. So first and foremost, we need to work on you choosing you. And the way that we do that is by making sure our inner child is getting that sort of reassurance and love from adult self. And I teach my clients how to do this in session. So if you want to know how, book a session with me. But that is what we need to do. And then in terms of taking action, I don't care how good these guys are. If they are not wanting a relationship with you, then we need to walk away. And we need to learn, right? We need to learn and look back through the lessons that we have gained through these experiences and say. You know, funny enough, no matter how hard I try to prove to that person that I am a good fit, it never works. OK. I can take that when I'm in this new experience and I'm saying to myself, this feels super similar. And while I'm doing the work of comforting my inner child. I can use that past information as confirmation that I get to trust myself and that this is a no and that I can walk away. And there's steps in there that I would dig into more, but just kind of generally on the surface, that's what I would say is it doesn't matter that they're good guys. They're not actually emotionally available if they don't want to be in a relationship with you. Yes. They're not emotionally unavailable generally, but they're going to be emotionally unavailable to to you because they don't want to be in a relationship. And that's OK. But we want to see that. And we want to, instead of letting our inner child take over and say, ooh, mommy, daddy, with this person, you're going to give me the love that I need now, we want to notice that outreach from our inner child. And instead of letting her reach out to this person that's going to represent that old wound, we want to learn how to reach in and say, inner child, I hear you, what do you need? I'm here, I got you. I'm gonna give you the love you need, right? And that's what will really truly be healing and will allow you to actually be yourself and show yourself to someone who wants to do the same and find that deep intimacy that you're looking for in partnership. Yes, you just, yeah, you nailed that. And I think I'm not even gonna add anything else to that other than I think it's really important And like, it's an ongoing practice. So it's not like a final destination you get to, but the beauty of really cultivating an amazing dialogue and inner dialogue with yourself is so freaking powerful. I just wanna like drive that home a little bit. And there are so many ways that you can begin to explore what that means for you. And I say that because I feel like recently in the past couple of weeks, I've taken my own practices with self and self-dialogue and. Manifesting and all those things kind of to a new, deeper level. And I've really witnessed like how much, how there I am for myself. And so I think like we want that for everybody. We want everybody to feel like, oh my gosh, I have myself like in those moments, like I don't need to like outsource and react. I can turn inward and have modalities where, you know, I know how to soothe myself. I know how to like give myself what I need, you know, satiate myself in all the ways and like, right, and feel so connected to that. And personally, some tools that have really helped me is first thing in the morning before I do anything for anybody else, I'm like, this is my me time. My first hour up is like, I don't even want, I like say good morning to my partner, but that's it. Like I go and I make my tea or my coffee. Before I even do that, I actually immediately wake up and I meditate for 20 minutes. I journal the right after to some like really great music. I make myself coffee. I then make myself a breakfast. Like there is so much inner dialogue and nourishing happening. And anyways, it's a little bit of a side tangent, but you really made me think of that because I think it's so important to begin cultivating just the utmost relationship with yourself. And you're going to notice total shifts in your dating and relationships thereafter. That's when things really start to shift. Yeah. Okay, what do you do when you're unblocking, expanding, but don't seem to be getting any pings to take action? Welcome your thoughts on getting into relationship flow. Ooh. I think, here's what I think about this. I think that in terms of manifestation, I will say I look at things manifestation-wise a lot differently than I used to. And when you're talking about like taking action, Your action doesn't need to be what you think it does. So there is clearly an expectation you have of what your, in quotes, pings, what I would call intuition, would lead you to and what that action looks like. And that means you're not tuning in to you. That means you're needing it to look like someone else. And it's not going to look like someone else. So your action for a day when you're working on, I don't know, a wound of not feeling good enough, Part of your action might be like taking fucking naps. Yes. Right? And we will hear that within ourselves. And we will say, throw that away, because that's not being productive. That doesn't look like XYZ. So I, nope. And that is what we have to stop. Right? That this, the way that we talk to ourselves, the way that we treat ourselves, we treat ourselves really bad when we're doing that, because we're saying, Hey, your needs don't fucking matter. So I'm not going to pay attention to them. Right. And what that does, that breaks inner child trust. So inner child is going to act out, right? She's going to be in her wounding. We need to listen and say, Oh, I need rest. Okay. So I'm going to fucking rest. I am. I am in like the era of like, do fucking less and slow way to fuck. Me too! I just, oh my god, I spent my whole weekend in the freaking park. Being the most witchy person I know yet, and the one intuitive download I got was slow the fuck, down. Slow down. We have this idea because we live in a capitalist society that we have to be like, being productive. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. All that does is just burn you out. You're not paying attention to yourself. And we need to tune in. We need to pay attention to what our needs are. So that when we have that, oh, I want to go do x, y, z thing, and it is more of forward motion, productive energy, great. We have the energy for that, and we can go do that. But we also need to listen to the, I need to go to the park and stare at the fucking grass. Yes. Or whatever it is. So what I would advise this person to do is tune into what you actually need and stop dismissing it. Your needs matter and you're not listening to them if you're saying, I'm not getting any intuition hits, which you are. But they don't need to lead you to the thing. So especially coming from this TVM world, people are like, this thing will have to lead me to this thing. And that's just not how it works. that's all fear and that's like forcing. We need to relax into the process. We need to relax into ourselves and we need to value all things, right? And we need to really tune into what that looks like for us. Yes. I was talking about this on Instagram the other day about like the masculine feminine. And I had a, cause the client asked me, they're like, okay, well, what about, how do I balance that? And I was like, by being your fucking self, bro. Like when you came into this world. You are balanced, right? We're just balanced. We are naturally balanced. We get out of balance when we get out of that sort of authentic state. So the more that we tune into us. That's how you balance it. It's not because you need to go put on a flowy fucking dress and wear the hat that the LA influencer is wearing and get the Air One smoothie and do the things and have the heart crystal. If you like those things, for sure. I like those things. But But that's not how you get into something just because you see someone else doing that. Yes. You know what I mean? It needs to look like the way that it looks for you and you have to tune into that because that is unique and it's yours. And if you are dismissing it, you're missing it. Yes, I love that. If you're dismissing it, you're missing it. And I think like we're so wrapped up like a lot of us in kind of these social projections of manifestation and who's doing it and how they're showing up online and all these things and presenting themselves. And I think it's like, we have to take a step back, like you're saying, and actually ask ourselves what that means and looks like for us. And lately, truly, and I feel like this applies across all categories, my mantra has been, slow down to speed up. And it's not for the act of, because I wanna get to the destination of speeding up. Like speed is not the answer. It's because when you slow down, you're actually listening to yourself. And that's actually fine tuning your next steps, right? You can really easily tune out then the rest of the noise and kind of sink down, oh, okay, now that I finally slowed down, now they finally got a little bit quiet, I'm hearing something really clear. Okay. Hell yeah. All right. Let's go. Right? And you're not like, oh my God, so-and-so online is doing this and they're wearing a heart crystal and they're going to Erewhon and getting the smoothing like no. Silence the noise. Slow down. Turn the volume down. And that's when you're going to get the intuition. And what Amanda's saying is sometimes it's so simple. Like truly. It's so simple. Like go to the park and lie on a blanket. Okay. Yay! Right. And it's like doing those things leads you to when your action is going to lead you to something sort of instantaneous. But 99% of the time, it isn't. But it's about trusting yourself and listening and tuning in and fucking valuing your fucking needs. We need to value our needs. We need to value what we want. Those things are leading us somewhere. They are little breadcrumbs. We need to tune into them. They're not bad. They're not invalid. They are super good, and they are super valid, and we need to listen to them. Yes, and I look at them as little like, there are little micro desires, right? Totally. And it's like, what are you desiring right now, right? Like, yeah, I really want to go get a matcha right now, or whatever it is, right? Like, whatever your intuition is telling you, whatever you're desiring, feed that, you know? Exactly. Like, listen, lean in. OK, I feel like we answered that. Great one. OK, I want to maybe we do two more questions. Yes, let's do two more. OK, how to navigate being friends with an ex. Ha. I have a lot of opinions on this, but go for it. You might have a completely different opinion of this. I don't believe in friendship with an ex. An ex anyone or an ex anything. To me, that's telling, and we can go a bit into spiritual universal context. But to me, that's like living in the in-between. It's the door half open, half closed, and it's not making a decision forward with your life. There's a reason this person is no longer in your life. And especially in terms of romance, cut the cord so you can free yourself, so you can be with yourself, so you can move on to the next freaking thing. And I really feel the same way with friendships, too. Sometimes you just got to close that door and say, I love you. That was great, whatever that was. It served its time. No hard feelings, but we got to move onward. We got to graduate and see what's next. It's pretty simple. Yeah. I think this is what I say. I think with exes that you can be completely moved on from, I think being friendly and if you happen to bump into each other, like, what's up? Or, randomly you see something and you're like, oh my God, how are you? Randomly, fine. I think I think that's great. Like whatever, cool. but if you are like friends. In quotes here, one of y'all is not being honest. One of y'all wants to get back together. You're not being honest about it. Probably to yourself, first and foremost, because like, guilty, I've done that so many times. Like, we're friends. Like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm trying to prove to him that he should get back together with me because look how great I am. That's what that's about for me. And I'm not saying this person is doing that. But I agree, I don't think that we need to be buddy-buddy with people that we are moving on from. We're moving on from them for a reason. Let's close those doors and let each person move on and start their new life, their new chapter, and what else that entails, and not try to hang on to something out of fear. Yes, it's out of fear. There's not enough, or I can't, or whatever. That's just all fear that we need to look at. And we're not going to look at it if we're looking in that door. I think it's, so on Sex and the City, the new one, the Just Like That, part two, are you watching that? I'm actually not, but go for it. Okay, so I mean, it's like terrible, but like I've like, I bought into the series. Like I'm here, I don't know. I'm in it. Last season was fucking terrible. But on this one, they're shaming Miranda for throwing away her exes. I was like, for having fucking boundaries? What? Like, she is not throwing away her ex and she's having fucking boundaries. Carrie, look it up. You should get on that train. I know. Good God. Good God. That's so funny. But no, like, and I don't consider that throwing someone away. I consider that being honest about this person and I no longer are in a relationship together. So we're going to not pretend that we are and we're going to close the door. And I think same thing with friendships. Like I have, I had outgrown friends, but was fearful of that process and so went back. Guess who is not friends with those people? Me. Because I was right the first fucking time. Yes. But I didn't trust myself because I was still working on that at the time, and I was fearful about things, and I had this thing about, oh no, people don't like... They're wounding, wounding, wounding, wounding. Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear. And then once I really worked through that, I was was like, oh, yeah, these people are not aligned for me. And if I let them go, then I can call in friends that actually are. Make space, guys. And that will show up at the wedding. Clear it. Yeah. Just clear the space. Because if it's full, you're not going to call anything in. You're not going to bring anything in that you're actually looking for. Yeah, amen. So don't be friends the next, more of that story. How do you change a relationship with one partner, my partner? They don't do any big romantic gestures, even though I would like them to? How do I request romance in a relationship? Again, be really, I'm on my blunt train right now. You're talking honest. You request more romance and then you define what is romantic. Uh-huh. Because everyone's meaning of it is so different. And guys, I have to be honest with you. I've had to do this in my relationship before too. Like I have literally had to recalibrate with my partner being like, OK, look, we're in a long-term partnership. We're long out of that honeymoon phase. Of course, we still feel like we're dating and we're still in love. But we've had to really, at different times in our lives, be like, OK, what does it look like to feel really romantically connected right now if we fell out of something? And I think just being really honest and being like, OK, well, what is your definition? Each person giving them space to tell one another, OK, My definition of what feels romantic right now is, you know, when we're out in public, like you holding my hand or like when, you know. Where out to dinner like I would love if like this is how you know I don't know I'm I'm just shooting the shit like right like I think just being so granular because there's something you're thinking of that Specifically that you feel like is missing and so you just got to say it and then hearing out your partner to being like, okay. What is your definition of romance? Like what are you? What are you needing more of me? Do you want more physical attention? Do you want me to like spend more quality time with you? right? And like each really understand what you're needing and then give it to one another. And it's not going to be a process that immediately happens overnight because everybody's in their own patterns and their own like ways of rituals and habits that they've been doing. But I think it's like giving each other the grace to have been like, hey, like, let's do this and like, let's do it this way right now. And so I just think it's really important to just be super upfront about it because the last thing you want is any sort of like built up resentment because then that just starts to pile and pile and pile. And then it's way more than just the romance. Exactly, I think there's an expectation and I am gonna gender this. I think that women in heteronormative relationships have been taught that men need to read their mind and they have been taught to manipulate. And because you can't speak up because that's going to be too much and that's going to be unattractive kind of a thing. And so I feel like we have been conditioned to do that. And I see... And it's not malicious. I don't think that is happening maliciously, but I think it's happening very unconsciously. And your partner will never be able to read your mind. And they don't need to for them to be in love with you and for them to be available and for them to be romantic. Romance is honesty. And it's understanding what the other needs by fucking asking and or telling. And we can't have a truly intimate relationship if we're not willing to do that work. That is what intimacy is. I see into you, you see into me. And so there's no barriers there. So there's a barrier if we're saying, I need you to know this without me telling you. I think if you're wanting surprises, What you can say is, it makes me feel really good when I have a surprise and this is the way, like this is kind of what I want to be surprised with, like run with it. So I think I've used this example before, but I told Zach, I think it's really romantic if you randomly ask me to slow dance. And I was like, do with that what you will. And then randomly one time when I was not expecting it, he asked me to slow dance. And I was like, oh my God, is that so romantic? And it wasn't less romantic because I had told him I wanted that. It was more romantic because he listened. Yes. And he waited for a time that it was truly authentic for him. And he's actually very good about that. He will only do something if he's being authentic in it. He won't, do something out of authenticity. He'll explain it. If I'm like, I want you to tell me all the things you love about me. If he's not in a lovey mood, he'll be like, I understand that that's your need right now, but I'm not feeling that authentically. So can I give you what you need in another way?" And when he's in that loving mood, he will. So that's actually something that that he's really good about, which I really appreciate, but it's speaking up. Like, to me, that is... The most romantic thing is being fully open and honest with our partners and our partners being able to be fully and open honest with us like that is so safe. And that is so deeply satisfying when you have a relationship like that. So I would say understand what that looks like for you, romance. How do you want it? What does that entail? Are those surprises? Is that flowers every week? Is that trips? Is that jewelry? What is it? And then tell your partner literally everything that is and say, here I'm telling you this and I want you to like do that on your own and surprise me with it or whatever it is that you want, you know, but lay it out for them. It's so important. You're also reminding me. So a couple of things. First off, I literally remember telling my boyfriend this. I was like a couple of weeks ago and I was like, listen, I'm not expecting this now at all. But I was like, I just want you to know that like I I am someone who I would love when we're like. At a certain place financially for this type of gift, I would love like this specific type of jewelry from you. Or like I would really love to be someone who's like gifted jewelry for X, Y, Z like purpose, right? And so I just was like, look, it's not like a need right now it's a nice have and, but I just said it, right? Because I was like, I don't wanna be the person who's just like waiting, right? Or like just never said my shtick. And so I think it's really important, like, and I know that sounds so like arbitrary, but it is impactful. I wanted to say as well that I think as much as we're saying like identify your terms of romance, hear out your partners, come up with a collective narrative for what's romantic together. And I think use that as an exploration of how to evolve your intimacy and connection and enrich that together, instead of always just feeling like you're meeting one another's needs, which of course is so satisfying in and of itself. But I think it's also exciting to be like, well, what's romantic for the both of us? What can we both get really excited about? Totally. And what does that look like? For me, I was inspired by, I had a guest on a couple months ago who does this concept. She's coined a surprise date night. And I totally snagged that concept. And now every month, every other month, my partner and I each separately plan a surprise date night. And we just kind of like, we'll block one another's calendars off. Sometimes like I'll get an invite for like a Saturday and it's completely blocked off. And it's just like... Amazing on my Google Calendar because I'm just like, oh, yay, we've got something really fun happening. It's like, ooh, what are we going to do? Yeah, what are we going to do? And then like literally that morning I'll be told like, okay, we will be going toward the beach, so like have your bathing suit and like this ready. And that's it. And like then I'm just being kind of like escorted around. So it's little things that I think like finding that unified language is super helpful. I agree. But I also think, too, when you're with someone who is available and wants to be in a relationship with you, they don't want to let you down. It's the shittiest feeling to feel like you're not meeting your partner's needs. And if you're not communicating with them, that's how they're feeling. They're going to feel like they're letting you down, like they don't know how to satisfy you. And that feels fucking shitty. So in order to not only get your romance need met, but also to help your partner feel good about their contribution to the relationship, communicating is the only way to do that. It's the only way to get both things done. And it's not unsexy. It's the sexiest thing in the world. It's like when you're sleeping with someone, you have to tell them what you like. You don't have good sex without that. And I think that you can stumble on it like once in a while, you know, with some like hot stranger and like, oh my God, you guys had to go back. But like, if you're gonna be having sex consistently with someone, if it's gonna be good, it's because you're saying like, I like this, I don't like that. I like this, I don't like that. You know, let's try this. Ooh, that's fun, that's cool. Right, you have to communicate. Like that is what creates that intimacy and like that, you know, the good. So same with anything else, same with romance. I love it. So good. Oh my god, I love doing these questions. I know, it's so fun. We have to, we need to do this regularly. We will. It's fun. It's fun. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Amanda, can you share, deets for if people want to work with you one-on-one? Yeah, I would love to. My website is amandablaircoaching.com and you can find. What sessions are like and what I help you with on there. And then also you can book. And my Instagram is xoamandablair where I share lots and lots of stuff five days a week. Typically, I'm probably not going to post today because I haven't and I just don't feel like it. So I'm going to give myself an out and say no, but I am trying to post five days a week so you can find less good content there. And yeah, come on in. I love it guys. Go hit Amanda up. And if you love this episode, share it, leave a rating, leave a review. Tell us, let us know. Guys, we love your reviews. We've been getting like a good amount on the show lately and it's been so great. I've I've been thinking of reading them and sharing some with people, but if you guys love this series, please shout it out. It really, really helps bring these conversations to the forefront, helps us kind of get more of the word out there, and it really moves, like it's crazy how much it moves the needle, just having a little rating, little review. So if you can take some time, if you love this episode, please do so. And yeah, we're just so happy to be like in your earbuds every month, and we can't wait to kind of continue doing more of this Q&A series. This is such a blast. Yeah. All right. Thanks everybody. Music. I hope you love this episode as much as we did making it. If you have any feedback, questions, or suggestions for future episodes, or if you just want to chat, don't hesitate to reach out to us at the bedside on Instagram and thebedside.co online. You can also find us at by the bedside on TikTok. To stay updated on our latest episodes, be sure to subscribe to our podcast on your preferred platform. And if you found this episode valuable, I would so greatly appreciate if you could leave us a rating, a review, text it to a friend, share it to your Instagram stories. Let's get this message out there loud and clear. Until next time, thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you in the next one. Music.