055: I Got Canceled and My Thyroid Tanked

After a recent thyroid diagnosis (Hashimoto's), I used hypnotherapy to understand the emotional root cause of my symptoms. In this deeply personal episode, I walk you through my discoveries and share:

• The symptoms I've been dealing with
• The tools that I used to understand the emotional roots of my illness
• How getting canceled in 2020 triggered longstanding, repressed trauma
• Many unfiltered thoughts about the last six years (f-bombs included) 
• Musings on people pleasing, being a political misfit, and self-expression
• An insider's glimpse into how a hypnotherapy session can unfold
• How I'm healing now that I've put the puzzle pieces together

Where to Connect with Holly: 

Follow Holly on Instagram @hollyfisherhiggins

Read Holly's Substack: https://hollyfisherhiggins.substack.com/ 

Holly's website: https://www.hollyfisherhiggins.com/

Download my free "Clear the Crap" meditation here (this will put you on my email list!)

Music: Joseph McDade, "On the Verge"

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to MindSpeak. I'm Holly Higgins, a hypnotherapist and a total nerd when it comes to all things holistic mental health. I'm here to help you tap into the truth of who you really are. Beyond trauma, past conditioning, limiting beliefs, underneath the baggage, there's freedom. Think of the conversations and ideas on this show like breadcrumbs along the healing path. Let's dive in. Some of the most fascinating sessions I get to facilitate as a hypnotherapist are sessions where we're working to discover the emotional root cause of physical symptoms. Now, I've worked with all kinds of issues from headaches to menstrual issues, UTIs, chronic pain, acne, digestive issues. Those are just a few off the top of my head. But today, I want to take you behind the scenes and talk about one of my own recent health issues, which is hypothyroidism, specifically Hashimoto's, which is hypothyroidism with an autoimmune component. What a mouthful. So if you don't know that much about hypothyroidism, it causes all sorts of unpleasant symptoms like extreme fatigue, brain fog, hair loss, weight gain, and a general overwhelming feeling of blah. The thyroid, it's one of the most important glands involved in metabolism and energy, so when it's out of whack, everything just feels off. Little side note here, even though this was only recently identified in my lab work, I actually think I've had this off and on for a very long time, probably over a decade, and it was misdiagnosed as depression and mood disorders in the past. But that's a rant for another day. However, if you are dealing with these symptoms, definitely look into your thyroid and uh definitely demand that you have a full thyroid panel done. But that's a whole other rabbit hole. Today I want to get into the emotional root cause of why I even developed these symptoms in the first place. Because yes, I am doing lots of things on the physical level to heal, but because of the root cause work that I do as a hypnotherapist and because of my perspective on illness, I needed to know where this all started so that I could truly heal on multiple levels, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. Because I'm not someone who just thinks about the physical world in 3D terms and about the illness as only related to the body. I have a very broad perspective on how illness manifests. So in today's episode, I am going to walk you step by step through how I took myself into hypnosis and discovered the underlying emotional causes of my low thyroid function. And this is a very vulnerable episode for me, but it's also something that I have to record as part of my healing process, which will make more sense as the story unfolds. So just a little bit more backstory on the physical symptoms I've been experiencing. I feel like I had really, really great health from about 2016 to about 2020. Prior to that, if you've been around for a long time and you've heard my backstory, I dealt with really severe depression and anxiety, but did a lot of work to heal myself from 2016 to 2020. I feel like I was feeling really, really good. And then from 2020 onward, I just started noticing a slow decline in my vitality. Less energy, less clarity of thought, feeling foggy, feeling fatigued, putting on weight easily. And then I got pregnant with my son and went through postpartum and had a ton of body changes. And so I really blamed a lot of it on pregnancy and new motherhood and just the changes to my body. Of course, all of those things did play into it. But what I know now is exactly why my health started deteriorating in 2020. So let's get into it. Whenever I want to do this really deep emotional work with myself, I will sometimes facilitate sessions for myself because I have enough experience and practice with myself and with lots of clients to do this kind of work. And then sometimes when an issue just feels really sticky and I feel like I really can't hold it, I will reach out to others for support. But this was actually an issue where when I went inside and when I took myself into hypnosis, by the way, when I say going inside or when I went inside, I just mean closing my eyes and going into my inner world. This was actually an issue that when I went inside and I attempted to do self-work, it came very easily. And it was very easy for me to get the answers myself. So this actually wasn't a case where I reached out to another practitioner for help. I did all of this work inside of myself, but there are times and there are issues where things have felt really sticky, and I have reached out for help. So I started off with a little bit of regression, which regression is a very common tool used in hypnosis. I started off with some self-regression to identify what were the beliefs, the patterns, the situations, the emotions that were contributing to my low thyroid function. So what I did, I was actually in acupuncture. I was having an acupuncture session. And since I was laying there and closing my eyes, it just occurred to me, why don't I just do a little bit of regression to understand what the root cause of this low thyroid is? And so in my head, I just took myself back to the root, the cause, the reason for the low thyroid function. And I counted myself backwards and I allowed myself to just land in different scenes and places and times. And what will happen as you do this or as someone facilitates it for you if you are getting a session from a hypnotherapist? What will happen is your subconscious mind will just automatically deliver to you images, times, places, scenes, moments, and memories. This isn't anything that you're doing with your conscious mind. This is something that you're doing in a very relaxed state where you allow your subconscious to reveal the answers to you. Because if you knew consciously what was going on, what the issue was, you already would have solved it by now. And so when we're getting down to the subconscious root cause, it allows us to see the themes and the patterns that are subconscious below our level of conscious understanding. And once we understand things on the subconscious level, we can have new insights, new epiphanies, new awarenesses, etc. So I'm just chilling there on the acupuncture table and I allow myself to float and drift back to a scene, a time, a place, a moment, a memory is always what I say, that has everything to do with my low thyroid function. And I went into this with no expectations, with no preconceptions, with a completely open mind. And the first scene I found myself, I was about somewhere between four and six years old. And my dad was showing me his bong collection and all of his weed and telling me that this was a very, very normal thing, very reasonable, but that I had to keep it a secret and that I couldn't tell anybody. No matter what I did, I wasn't allowed to tell anybody. And as I landed in this memory, I thought, hmm, this is really interesting. I I haven't thought about this in a really long time. It's a very vivid memory for me. And now as an adult, I can look at that and say, wow, that's really effed up. But it wasn't something I'd thought about in a really long time. Um and so I dug a little bit deeper and I asked myself, hmm, what are the beliefs? What are the beliefs? What are the feelings? What's going through my mind as that little four to six-year-old girl, as my dad is telling me, don't tell anybody about my drug collection. And what was going through my mind as that four to six-year-old girl was, ooh, I need to hide this, I need to cover this up, I cannot speak up about this. I'm gonna highlight that. I cannot speak up about this, or I will get in trouble. And if I get in trouble, if I speak up about this, my dad won't love me anymore, and then he'll reject me, and then I will be all alone. I mean, that's the ultimate consequence when you're that little, right? And you're relying on your caregivers is if I betray my caregivers, then I will be all alone and I will be unloved. And so the stakes are really high when you're little and you have parents and all you want is to win their love and affection. So again, the beliefs that I adopted from that moment were I need to hide, I need to cover this up, I can't speak up about this. If I speak up about this, my dad won't love me anymore, he will reject me. Okay. So now we're gonna move on to the second scene that I landed in. And again, what I'm doing in regression is I'm just trying to look for clues. I'm trying to look for themes, I'm trying to look for emotional patterns that will lead me to the ultimate root cause. So you can see we're already getting the theme of I have to hide, I can't speak up. If I speak up, I won't be loved, I will be rejected. Okay, so the second scene I land in is me in junior high. Now, when I was in school, I got really good grades. I was kind of like a straight A person, and I I did that because I got love and attention and admiration from my teachers at school, which I was severely lacking at home. But anyway, when I was in school, I was kind of the straight A type. And the scene I landed in is I was in junior high and I was really trying to make friends, trying to make friends with some cool kids, like these cool rebel girls. And so I agreed to allow them to cheat off of my paper during the test. So we were taking, I don't remember what the subject was. It definitely wasn't math because I was never very good at math, but it it was some subject. And I was trying to make friends with these girls, and so I said, Hey, you know, I I know you're you're struggling in this class, you can just cheat off of my test. So the test was going on, and we had agreed to this little system of like how I would secretly communicate answers. And again, I thought to myself, what a curious memory to land on. I haven't thought about this in a really long time. I wonder why this is irrelevant. And so I explored it a little bit more. I asked myself what I was feeling, what I was believing, what I was experiencing. And I kind of went back into my junior high self and back into my junior high mind. And the overwhelming feeling was, oh, I have to keep this a secret. I have to keep this a secret. I can't tell anybody. If the teachers find out, they won't like me and they will reject me. If anybody else finds out, or if these girls get in trouble and they get caught, well then they won't like me and they will reject me. So again, I landed in a memory where the core theme is I have to keep some kind of secret, or else people won't like me and people will reject me. So we're two regressions deep, we're two memories deep, and already a really, really clear pattern is starting to emerge. So I regress back two more times, and in both of these scenes, I'm young and I walk in on my dad doing something illicit that I know that he shouldn't be doing. I know that it's quote unquote bad, but I also know that I have to keep it a secret because if I don't keep it a secret, he will be mad at me, and then he will withdraw his love, he will withdraw his affection. He might even disown me if I don't keep this secret. So the details of those two regressions are irrelevant, but basically it was the same exact core belief that I adopted when I was young. In order to be loved, I have to keep secrets. In order to be loved, I have to keep my mouth shut. So after those four regressions, I kind of paused and looked at it from a 10,000-foot view, looked at it from up above like a detective. And I paused and I said to myself, okay, I've asked my subconscious mind, what is the emotional root cause of my hypothyroidism? And it's taken me back to all of these scenes and all of these places that had the theme of if I want to be loved, if I want to be accepted, if I want to be included, I need to keep secrets and I need to keep my mouth shut. If I open my mouth, I'm gonna make people mad, but people aren't going to love me, but they are going to withdraw their affection and their love. So I'm looking at this like a detective, and I'm like, okay, this is what all of these scenes have in common. And so the most important question of all is where is that showing up in my present day life? And it was like this light bulb went off, all of these bells started ringing in my head. Oh my gosh, I have been keeping my mouth shut since 2020, just barely letting anything out of my mouth, because I learned in 2020 that if I didn't have the right opinions and I didn't have the right beliefs, and I opened my mouth about things that I quote unquote shouldn't have, then people were going to withdraw their love and their affection and their friendship, uh, which they very much did. They very much did. 2020 was an extremely hard time for me, and it continued to be into the years that followed. I mean, we had COVID and then it was like political upheaval and just on and on and on and on. I mean, I feel like the last six years have just been absolutely insane. And I always have been, and I continue to be someone that doesn't fit in a box. I'm not perfectly aligned with the left. I'm not perfectly aligned with the right. I'm not perfectly aligned with this ideology or that ideology. And I feel like the last six years, the culture has really demanded, oh no, no, you better get in line. You better be all the way over here on the left, or you better be all the way over there on the right, and you better not talk to the other people on the other side because if you do, you're a horrible fucking person. It's just been, it's been hell. Like the tension, the chaos, the division, the pointing fingers, the pointing sides, like it has just been so, so exhausting. And I feel like it's a hell of a lot easier to say, well, I align with this camp and I align with this side, and here are my beliefs, because you have that tribalism and that belonging and that sense of somewhere to stand. But if you're someone who doesn't really fit anywhere and you can see things from different perspectives and you can see things in a nuanced way, and you don't feel comfortable saying, I align with this camp or I align with that camp, then both camps have the opportunity to hate you because they're like, well, just fucking pick a side, pick a side. And I haven't and I won't, and I will continue to not pick a side because that's just not how my brain works. And it's been a really lonely and isolating place to be for the last six years. It's felt like something I haven't been able to talk about. It's felt like something I should absolutely keep a secret. Um, at times the climate was so intense that it was like, well, I need to keep my mouth shut about this, like for the safety of my family. And it was especially difficult in 2020 as someone who has been in the alternative health, natural health and wellness scene for a long time, as someone who asked questions regarding, you know, health and what we're all supposed to be doing. It was a really difficult time because I experienced a lot of just blatant rejection, a lot of blatant hate. I remember when I shared about my grandfather's passing. My grandfather died immediately after receiving the vaccine. And when I shared about that, and what I felt was a very balanced and calm and mature way, is how I felt I delivered it. I don't know, maybe, maybe other people felt differently. They definitely felt differently. Anyway, when I shared about his death following the vaccine, my DMs started filling up with people saying, This is really horrible, this is irresponsible, that you're sharing this, you shouldn't be sharing about this, this is an anomaly. You're putting people in danger. And I hope you die. I hope you die from COVID. Um, I was getting those DMs from strangers. And that e that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was people that I thought were true, genuine connections and friends and colleagues. The worst part was when they rejected me. I can handle an angry stranger in my DMs telling me that they hope I die. Okay, you're triggered. Like you don't know me, whatever, go away. I can handle that. But what started happening was people that I had really close relationships with that were my friends, that were my colleagues, that I'd had long, deep, meaningful conversations with people who I thought saw me and knew me at a deep level. They started just ghosting me, leaving my life, telling me that some of the information that I was sharing was horrible and irresponsible, and they could no longer be associated with me. And a lot of times they would just like block me and ghost me, but it became very, very apparent, oh Holly, you're not thinking right. Oh Holly, you're not on the right side. Oh Holly, we don't like what you're sharing and what you're saying, and therefore we are going to withdraw our love, our affection, our friendship, our camaraderie, our community. I know a lot of people dealt with this in small ways and big ways. I've talked to so many people whose families completely abandoned them for whatever reason, because they were on the wrong side, because they weren't thinking right. Whatever right is, you know, no one's allowed to have a different opinion these days. And if you do have a different opinion, well, F you get out of my life. It's been hard. And the stories that I've heard from clients who fall on both sides of the spectrum, by the way, the stories that I've heard from clients and people over the years about they couldn't come to Thanksgiving or they were iced out because of this political reason. It's just absolutely insane and heartbreaking. And what all of that did was for me personally, I didn't take the time to process it like I should have. And on the one hand, I have a lot of compassion for myself, and on the other hand, I look back and I see like, mm, I could have handled some of this differently. I could have taken the time to process these emotions more thoroughly so that I wasn't repressing them and that they didn't end up eventually causing thyroid issues, which is what they've done now. Six years down the line of repressing these feelings and stuffing them down and keeping my mouth shut and not speaking my truth and dimming my light and dimming my voice. Six years down the line, it's led to a thyroid condition. Another light bulb moment I had as I was looking at this from that detective 10,000 foot view standpoint. Another light bulb moment that went off for me was oh, all of these regressions that I went back to had to do with keeping my mouth shut, keeping secrets, not speaking up. Where is the thyroid located? The thyroid is located within the throat chakra. What is the theme of the throat chakra? The throat chakra is all about self expression. Expression, speaking your truth, using your voice. What have I not been doing to my fullest capacity for the last six years? Exactly that. Speaking my truth, using my voice, self-expression, all of that, the volume has gotten turned way, way, way down because I saw so clearly in 2020 that if I opened my mouth, people left my life. And that hurt. And subconsciously, without my awareness, that brought up really old wounding and really old programming that was installed between four and six years old that said, if you don't keep secrets, if you don't keep your mouth shut, love gets withdrawn. Relationships get withdrawn. And it wasn't just COVID where this pattern was showing up. It seemed like it was coming from all different areas of my life. There was a really big blow-up with certain family members about decisions I was making about my child's health. And that definitely resulted in some withdrawal of love and acceptance and belonging. That definitely was a big moment of tension that again reinforced that belief deep inside of me that I need to keep my mouth shut. It's also been really hard making friends and connections in this climate that it feels like the world is in, at least for the last six years or so. You know, you'll make a connection and then you'll be like, mm, I better keep my mouth shut about blah blah blah around this person, and I better not talk about blah blah blah around that person unless I really want to rock the boat. And I don't want to rock the boat because I'm so sick of people leaving my life. So anyway, all of these events started stacking up and causing a deep bitterness within me and a deep anger, a deep sense of feeling very misunderstood, and a real jadedness and kind of a decision within my head of like, well, this is how the world is now. People aren't capable of nuance, they aren't capable of seeing multiple sides, they aren't capable of holding space for each other anymore, especially on the internet. And so I'm just gonna live on my farm and I'm gonna grow my food and I'm gonna raise my family, and I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut, and I'm just gonna live this small, peaceful life where I just keep my mouth shut and I don't say anything, and I try to be nice to people, and maybe it'll be easier to get by that way. Maybe I won't face so much rejection and so much hurt and so much ugliness if I just live my simple little life and keep my mouth shut. Don't talk about your interests aside from the really innocuous, fluffy stuff that's not going to offend anybody. Don't talk about your opinions aside from the really innocuous, fluffy stuff that's not going to offend anybody. Just live a small, quiet life in peace where you're not gonna have to deal with all this pain. Well, that backfired on me. It backfired on me because at my core, I am someone who loves to write, I'm someone who loves to speak, I'm someone who loves to teach, I love to share ideas, I love to be expressed. And so by denying myself that I was essentially rejecting myself. Other people were rejecting me before, now I've turned the rejection on to myself. No matter what you do, Holly, it's too much for these people or it's not enough for those people. So you might as well just be quiet. You might as well just shut up, you might as well just dim your light. That's just rejecting myself. And I've been rejecting myself for so many years now that it's turned into a physical condition. And yes, there are things that I need to do to heal on the physical level. There are supplements that I'm taking, there are lifestyle practices that I'm engaging in. But the biggest thing that I need to do to heal is to open my mouth, is to open my throat chakra, is to share the things that I've been afraid to share, is to express the things that I've been afraid to express. And that's what I'm doing now. And I know there could be more loss, there could be more rejection, there could be more people saying, Oh, Holly, yuck, I don't want to be your friend anymore. I don't like you. I can't believe you think that way and you don't fit in a box. Ew. I really need you to fit in this box in order to be associated with you. And if you don't fit in a box, well then I can't be associated with you. Well, okay. That might indeed happen. But what I've had to learn the hard way over the last six years is the most painful rejection of all is self-rejection. The rejection from other people can hurt like hell, it can sting so bad, it can cause so many tears. But the most painful thing at all is when you reject yourself for other people's approval. And I'm just not doing that anymore. I'm not doing it anymore. So if you need me to fit inside of any kind of box or subscribe to any kind of belief system in order to be associated with me or to consume my content or whatever, I can guarantee that I'm going to deeply disappoint you. No matter who you are, no matter where you fall, on whatever spectrum, I am going to disappoint you if you require complete congruence in thought. If that's something that you require, you might as well just like push pause, push stop, press eject, like I'm not the girl for you. And that's okay. And we are both better off knowing that. Well, that feels good to say. And if you're someone who has felt any of this pain over the last several years, for whatever reason, because of whatever side of the spectrum that you fall on, or whatever beliefs that you have, if you've felt that deep, intense pain and rejection and just someone turning on you and icing you out and just just eradicating you from their life. I am so so sorry. And I know what it feels like, and it fucking sucks. And I'm just sending you a big hug. So there was more that happened in that session that I facilitated for myself, and I did a little bit of parts work with myself. Now you may or may not be familiar with parts work. A lot of people talk about internal family systems, which is a type of parts work, but it's basically going inside of yourself and communicating with all of the different aspects of yourself. So a really easy way to explain parts in a way that everybody understands is we all have different parts of us. Like there might be a part of you that really, really, really wants to exercise and you know you really want to meet your exercise goals, and then there might be another part of you that just really, really wants to sit on the couch. You can often think of it as those competing voices that you hear talking in your head. Ooh, I really am trying to stick to this food plan, but this other part of you says, Oh, the donut looks really good. That's a very simple way to explain parts. And the whole concept and practice of parts work is very deep and very nuanced and deserving of like multiple, multiple, multiple episodes on its own. But essentially, what I did in hypnosis was I called forth the part of me that was creating low thyroid function. Because what I found over the years in doing hypnosis and in doing parts work is that when someone has physical issues or ailments or etc., you can often speak with those ailments like a part, and they often do show up as parts. And when I tried this on myself, when I went into hypnosis and I called forth the part of me that was creating the low thyroid function, I got to have a conversation with this part of myself and I got to discover its role. Now, another thing that I've learned about all sorts of health conditions in doing this work for many years is that they very often have an extremely positive intent, which sounds so strange. It's like, okay, I'm having this back pain, or I'm having this migraine, or I'm having these horrible tumors, or in my case, I'm having this thyroid that's like flagging and weak and not up to speed. Like, how on earth could this be a positive thing? Well, as you will hear in my example that I'm about to share with you, my poorly functioning thyroid was actually functioning poorly for a very good reason. So as I explain this to you, it will all start to make sense. So in my mind, I just called forth the part of me that was creating low thyroid function. I said, okay, part inside of me that's creating or contributing to low thyroid function, I'd love to have a conversation with you. Please show up. And so I invited this part in, and what I saw was a big piece of tape over my mouth and like this big, heavy, weighted cloak, like this big, heavy, you could think of it almost like a big thick velvet curtain around my thyroid. So in my mind's eye, what I'm seeing as I close my eyes is a big piece of tape over my mouth and this big heavy cloak velvet curtain thing around my whole thyroid and around my whole throat chakra. So as I invite this part in, these are the visual images that I'm seeing. Sometimes when people do this, they get images, sometimes they simply get feelings. They show up in all sorts of different ways. So I start to have a conversation with it. And one of the tools that I use from one of my trainings is called role, function, purpose, intent. It's just asking the part questions so we can start to understand its role. And so I asked it to have a conversation with me, this part that was slowing down my thyroid function. And I said, Okay, what what is your role? And it said, My role is to keep Holly quiet. Oh, why do you need to keep Holly quiet? She has a big mouth, and if she opens her mouth, people get mad and no one will like her. Hmm, okay, so this part is already telling me its role is to keep me quiet. Okay, I dig a little bit deeper. Okay, what is your function? And the part says, My function is to slow her down. I need to slow Holly down. I need to make her tired. I need to take away her energy because if I take away her energy, then she can't open her mouth. Fascinating. And if you're listening to this and you're not really familiar with parts work, you might be like, ugh, that sounds not very friendly. That sounds quite malicious, that sounds quite awful. How could that possibly have a good intention for you? Well, just keep listening. So I talk to the part a little bit more, and I say, What is your purpose? It says, My purpose is to keep her safe. I need to do this because she can't do it herself. To keep her safe, I need to slow her down so that she can't talk. Okay, interesting. And so I ask it yet again, okay, what is your intention? And it says, My only intention is to keep her safe. To keep her from being rejected. Ding ding ding ding ding. Do you see how when I'm talking to this part, the patterns that it is revealing fit in directly with the patterns of the regressions that I walked you through earlier. I need to keep her quiet because if she opens her mouth, no one will like her. I need to slow her down and take her energy away so that she can't open her mouth. I need to keep her safe because if she talks, then people are going to reject her. It's mirroring the exact same things that came up in the regression. And so what I did next was I asked it and I said to it, hmm, okay, I see what you're trying to do here. I see that you're trying to slow me down, you're trying to keep me quiet, you're trying to take away my energy so that I don't open my big mouth. Um, how old was I? At what age part did you come into my life? And I asked this question because parts often manifest because of trauma. A really strong protector part, which is what this is, a really strong protector part will come along because of significant traumas that create very strong beliefs, and these parts will come along in order to protect you. So anyway, I asked the part, how old was I when you came into my life? And immediately I got the number six. Like I came in when you were six years old. And then I asked, Well, what was going on in my life at age six that made you need to come in? And immediately I was taken back to my dad again, back to being really little and having to keep secrets for him. The earlier recollections that I had were about the drugs and having to hide his drug usage. And then this time, as I went back, I remembered his affairs, and I remembered being aware of his affairs and having to keep those affairs secret, knowing about them, not being allowed to say anything about them from a very, very young age. And so this part of me actually came into my life at age six when that was going on to protect me, to help me keep my mouth shut, because it knew at that time, at the tender age of six, if I didn't keep my mouth shut, really bad things could happen. My dad could reject me, my dad could not love me anymore, if I shared all of his secrets, my parents' marriage would probably explode. So this part came in and said, I'm gonna help you, I'm gonna help you keep secrets, I'm going to help you keep your mouth shut. And as I dropped into that memory, all of these old repressed emotions started flooding up. All of this anger, all of this pain, all of this hurt of, oh my gosh, dad, I'm just four, five, six years old. How the hell can you place all of this weight on me? How the hell can you place all of this responsibility on me to keep your dirty secrets? I just felt all of this pain, all of this hurt, all of this just childhood, this just feeling of wrongness just welling up inside of me. And I was doing this part of the session, like at home alone in my office. Um, and I just started allowing the emotions to flow. I started allowing the anger to flow, the tears to flow, the rage to flow. I'm literally upstairs in my office just yelling at my dad, who is deceased. He died when I was 12 years old. And and this was this was stuff I never got to communicate with him. But I'm sitting here in my office just yelling and screaming at my dad, I'm not keeping your secrets anymore. How can you put all this burden on me, dad? How can you put all this weight on me? And just really, really releasing this years and years and years of repressed stuff that I didn't even fully recognize I was still holding on to. And even though my dad is long gone, I could feel him spiritually, I could feel him on the other side, I could sense him on the other side, I could sense the regret, I could sense the remorse, and I could sense the I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you were so little, you were so innocent. I never should have put that on you. And so I let that in, and I continued to rage at him because I needed somewhere for that rage to go. I felt that rage inside of me, and I just had to let it out and let it out and let it out until that little me, that little six-year-old inside of me felt calm again. And then what I did was I reached my present-day adult hand back in time, and I pulled that little six-year-old, that little six-year-old me, I pulled her into my present-day home. And I said, I am so, so sorry you had to keep those secrets. You are coming to live with me now. You are coming to my house, you are coming to my home where we don't keep secrets, where we are open, where we have discussions, where we don't do drugs, where we have a healthy family and home life, and you get to live here with me and daddy and Henry, and you just get to be happy and innocent and free and expressed, and you don't have to keep secrets anymore. And you can say what you want to say, and you can share what you want to share, and you don't have to keep secrets anymore. You just don't have to do it anymore. It's not your job. It never should have been your job, and it's not your job anymore. So after I did that process of there's lots of different words for that process. Some people call that an unburdening, some people call that a retrieval, I call it reaching back in time and rescuing the little ones. When I brought that little one home to safety, I could feel this big, big exhale, this big exhale and this big release of the belief that I have to keep secrets. And all along throughout 2020 and beyond, all of the things that have been happening in my external life have been triggering the trauma of that six-year-old little girl who had the deep belief that she had to keep secrets. And so I brought her home. I brought her into the present day, and I said, You don't have to keep those secrets anymore. And then once I did that, I went back to the part. So I went back to the part that was slowing the thyroid function. I went back to that part that said, I need to slow you down, I need to shut you up. And I said, Oh, you know, thank you for telling me that you came into my life at six years old, and now I see what happened, and now I've gone back and I've rescued that little six-year-old. And so what I want to do now is I want to share with you how this has actually been hurting me, how you keeping me quiet and you slowing me down is actually hurting me. I know that you're trying to help me because of what I learned at six, but actually now it's making me feel awful and it's dimming my light and it's dimming my expression. And so, part, I'm really curious, how old do you think I am right now? And it said, six years old. I think you're six years old. And this is really common with parts. They get stuck in usually whatever age the trauma occurred. So if the trauma occurred at age six, the part perpetually thinks that you're six years old and continues to act and behave from that light of thinking that you're six years old. Um, this is a really, really common phenomenon that I've seen happen over and over and over. It will think that you're the exact same age or like a few years older. It never seems that they get the memo that, like, oh, you're an adult now. You're like a fully functioning adult, you live in a different home, you live in a different environment, because the part remains lodged in the trauma. So anyway, this part says, like, oh, well, obviously you're six years old. And so what I had to do was I had to update the part. I had to say, well, actually, I'm 39. I live in a completely different state. I live in a completely different home. I have a family now. I'm married. My dad, there were good things about him, there were bad things about him, but my dad actually passed when I was 12, and he's not even in my life anymore. I had to bring this part up to speed with everything that had happened and show this part that I was living in a completely different reality, a completely different environment. And actually, with the job that it was doing that it it had been doing since I was six, I was like, you know, this job isn't really working out for me anymore. I know that you're trying to keep me safe, but this thing that you're doing, this this uh keeping me quiet, this shutting my mouth, this slowing me down, this making me tired, it's actually really, really backfiring and causing me a lot of pain. And with that, there was an awareness from the part, and it was like, oh, oh, well, I don't want to cause you pain. I'm here to help. And and I can see that you're in a different reality now, and so how can I help? And so we had a little bit of back and forth, and it agreed to change, change its job for me. And so what happened was that big heavy velvet curtain that I saw over my thyroid, I just watched, I watched that curtain drop, and I watched that curtain recede and fade away. So there was all this openness and there was all this light. And then I watched in my mind's eye the tape come from over my mouth, the tape was pulled off. And then I also watched my throat chakra, I saw it spinning faster and faster with gold light that was moving in every direction out toward my head and my feet and my arms. That throat center was just wide open with all of this gold light spinning in every direction, infusing every cell with so much energy. And the part agreed to transform, it agreed to take on a new job rather than keeping my mouth shut and making me tired. It agreed, I'm going to open your mouth, I'm going to give you more energy, I'm going to give you more vitality, I'm going to give you more expression because I can see now that you're in a different place and a different time, and this is what's going to be most beneficial for you. And I also went back to that little girl, that little six-year-old that I invited into my present-day home. And I had to do some work with her to correct those old beliefs. So she used to believe, believe that if she opened her mouth, people would leave. So when you open your mouth, those people that will love you for you, they can find you. So building those new beliefs and those new neural pathways that self-expression can be a vehicle toward love and acceptance and connection rather than a vehicle for disconnection and disapproval and rejection. Even though I know in my adult head that those things can still happen. It goes back to that quote. I think it's from Kurt Cobain. It might be from somebody else, I'm not sure, but it's that quote that says, I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. Because when someone loves you based on who they think you are, but it's not actually the truth, that's not actually real love or real acceptance or real belonging. And that's what I've been feeling these last several years as I have watered myself down and not fully put myself out there. It's like, oh, no one's offended and no one's leaving, but actually no one is really seeing the real me. So in addition to this inner work that I've been doing and the outer work that I've been doing with my nutrition and my self-care and all of that as I work to heal this thyroid issue, a really big thing that I've been working with is specific affirmations and listening to hypnotic audios that I've made for myself to rewire some of these patterns. So I wanted to share with you some of the affirmations that I've been working with. When you open your mouth, the right people can find you. The right people who can truly love you for who you are. You are speaking up, you are sharing things that are important to you. You are expressive. You are writing, you are sharing, you are creating. People love you for who you are. When you write, you attract the right people. It's safe to be yourself, it's safe to be all of you. Your metabolism is increasing, your thyroid function is optimizing, your energy is ideal. You feel youthful and energetic. Every cell in your body is getting everything it needs. Your health is rapidly increasing. Your energy is rapidly increasing. You have perfect health. You're so excited to write, to speak. You love being you. You call in all of the right people. So if any of those are affirmations that you want to try on for yourself, have a go at them, borrow them, make them your own. And everything that I just shared about the work that I did with myself, it's kind of a preview into the work that I do with clients. I feel like a lot of times there's, you know, this mystery around, well, what actually happens in a session? And so this episode will have given you a sneak preview into some of the tools that I tend to use with clients. I use a lot of different tools. Um, but hopefully this episode gave you a little glimpse into what can happen in a session and how transformative and powerful it can be. And so what we do, no matter what the presenting issue is, is we discover the root cause and we work to heal the little ones within that are still holding on to these old pains and these old beliefs. We work to release those and update the beliefs and bring them up to the truth of the present moment. And sessions in themselves are extremely powerful and extremely healing. But the momentum really comes from reinforcing those new beliefs, those new behaviors, those new ways of being, which is why I make audios for most of my clients. Audios that have affirmations and visualizations and action items that start to retrain the brain and retrain those old neural pathways into a new way of being. So all of those affirmations that I just shared, those are things that I am actively training my mind with right now. And I'm also doing, you know, the 3D actions that I need to do. I'm taking care of my body, I'm taking supplements, and I'm continually working on my self-expression, writing, posting, sharing, and just being more honest, being more frank and more forthright in my day-to-day life. Those are all 3D action items that I'm doing in order to support the furthering of this healing and the furthering of stepping into who I'm becoming. So I hope this episode has been helpful to you or balm to you, B-A-L-M balm, balm to you in some way. And if you can relate to it, I am sorry, and I see you. And if there is something really sticky that's holding you back, whether that's blocks to self-expression or a health challenge that you just can't get to the bottom of, or you are curious about the emotional root cause of anything in your life that just feels super sticky and like you're beating your head up against the wall, and you've tried all of this, all of these different ways to figure it out, and and nothing seems to be landing. I would love to support you through hypnotherapy. You can find out more about my programs on my website, hollyfisherhiggins.com. I'll also link that up in the show notes. If you're on Substack, come find me over on Substack. I just started an account there. I'm also at Holly FisherHiggins and on Instagram at Holly FisherHiggins. I hope you have a wonderful day and as always, go believe in you. I do