Rainbow Baby Brother: Life After the Loss of a Sibling

Debbie Gilmore was pregnant with her son Brandon when her older child, Matthew, passed away due to complications from his open-heart surgery to fix his congenital heart defect. Today Brandon will share with us what it has been like to be a Rainbow Baby -- a baby born after a sibling dies. He will tell us about the void he has felt with the loss of his brother, another unexpected sibling loss and how an unexpected friend from halfway across the world has become as close to him as he feels he might have been to Matthew. Discover the relationships Brandon has had over time, what he cherishes about those he loves and how he has finally come to feel a sense of belonging now that he is a young adult.

Transcript

spk_2:   0:01
I'm

spk_1:   0:01
going to the 11th season of heart to Heart with Anna. I am Enna Dworsky and a host of your show. We have a great show for you today. Today Show is Rainbow Baby brother and our guest is branded Gilmore. Matthew Gilmore was born on June 7th, 1996 when Debbie Gilmore was seven months pregnant. Matthew passed away. Brand. It was born two months later, and he grew up in a small town there. Kaiser Sauder, Germany. Debbie and her husband, Jean Homeschooled Brandon. In June 2017 the family moved to Coppers Cove, Texas. He enjoys playing guitar. It's singing. He is planning to study film In college, Brandon is known as a Rainbow Baby. Rainbow Babies are babies born after a brother or sister dies. Rainbow Babies bring hope to the family that has lost a child. Brandon brought hope to Debbie in jeans, and he has been greatly cherished. So welcome to heart to heart with Anna Brandon.

spk_3:   0:56
Thanks for having me.

spk_1:   0:57
I'm so happy to have you on this show. And just so everybody knows, Brandon and I are close personal friends and said this is the first time for him to be on the show. But his mom, Debbie, was on the show, and I think it was seasoned seven when we did hurt effects around the globe. And you while we're living in Germany.

spk_3:   1:15
I believe so. Yes.

spk_1:   1:16
Yeah. So here you are in Texas, and I'm so happy that you are here. And I'd love for you to start by telling us about your brother Matthew. Oh,

spk_3:   1:27
man. I wasn't fortunate never to get to know him, even though I really wanted to. It was one of those things you grew up knowing who your brother is without actually getting to know him. And it was hard growing up without a brother because you always wanted to know what it would be like. You know, to have that side assist the guy that's always there for you when you need him. Besides the parents, of course. You know, you always have your parents, but it's always something different when you have a brother on your side.

spk_1:   1:54
Yeah,

spk_3:   1:55
you're a hard time. So

spk_1:   1:56
right. Well, what do you know? What? That Matthew's heart defect, Brandon.

spk_3:   2:01
I don't know too terribly much about it. I know that it was that I don't know if it was one of the ventricles that weren't working or something. One of the chambers. I just know that there was a problem with his heart, and it just led up to a whole bunch of problems later on That just weren't fixable. And that's sort of like a touchy subject. I haven't really gotten to know too much of his heart defect, which I should have probably known. Maura, I now.

spk_1:   2:28
Okay, well, if I'm not mistaken, Matt, you had tetralogy of below, and you're right. It was a very complex congenital heart defect where there were multiple things wrong. And it's one of those situations where there's no easy fix for it. Let's move past that because I'm not surprised you didn't know a whole lot about his art. If it because you never went to any of his appointments that you could remember because your mom was pregnant with you. She was, you know, going to the hospital with him. So I'm sure inside your mom, you weren't aware of all the things that were going on. But why don't you tell me about something I know you do know about Why don't you tell us about how your family has celebrated or shared Mattie with you during your lifetime.

spk_3:   3:16
My parents shared a lot of information with me. That was the heart defect. But also they shared a lot with me that wasn't there. They told me stories about how they were 10 how they would play with him, how they would go places, enjoy life. You know, it's a giving him the feeling of just being normal, you know, even though it's probably not that significant for a baby. But I just feel like they gave me stories that gave me the feeling like he was still with me. And I think every day I was like, What would it be like if I had you here next to me, being able to do things together, you to inspire me to be the best I could possibly be? What for me seems to be a dramatic problem is technically not that big of a deal, because if you can push through something where your body isn't right than anybody in the world can push through something that is a little bit uncomfortable,

spk_1:   4:17
it's really interesting. I think what's so sad is that Matthew didn't even make it to age two. He was just a little guy, wasn't he, Like, 18 months when he passed away?

spk_3:   4:29
I believe so. Yes.

spk_1:   4:30
Yeah. So he was really, really young. But he was old enough that your parents did have an idea of his personality. And I'm sure they did play with him and cook with him and do some special activities with him. I know from talking to Debbie and knowing Debbie and Jean, your mom and your dad that he is still part of their lives. They still remember being with him and doing things with him.

spk_3:   4:55
I'm fortunate enough that my parents shared this information with me. I feel like most parents would not want to mention that still hurt a lot for them to talk about it, relive those memories. But my parents have always been the type that they say. My pain is your pain and my happiness is your happiness. I feel like they give me the strength to tell them stuff That hurts me. And I give them the strength to tell me stuff that hurts them. So in the sense he's always there helping us through everything in helping us bond, Maura's a family even and void of his presence.

spk_4:   5:32
Dworsky has written several books to empower the congenital Heart Defect or C H D community. These books could be found at amazon dot com or at her website, www dot baby hearts press dot com. Her best seller is The Heart of a Mother, an anthology of stories written by Women for Women in the CHD community and his other books. My Brother Needs an Operation, The Heart of a Father and Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. A Handbook for Parents will help you understand that you are not alone. Visit baby Hearts press dot com to find out more

spk_5:   6:09
takes this hot industry We're offering us a mechanical hot, and he said, now that I've had enough to give it to someone my father promised me, a golden dressed twirling held my hand and asked me where I wanted to go. Whatever stripe for conflict that we experienced in our long career together was always healed by humor.

spk_4:   6:30
Heart to heart with Michael, please join us every Thursday at noon Eastern as we talk with people from around the world who have experienced those most difficult moments,

spk_0:   6:41
you are listening to heart to heart with Anna. If you have a question or comment that you would like to address the show, please send an email to Anna Dworsky at Anna at heart to heart with anna dot com. That's Anna at heart to heart with anna dot com Now back to heart to heart with

spk_1:   6:58
Welcome back to our show Heart to Heart with Deanna Show for their congenital heart defect community. Today show is Rainbow baby brother and our guest is Brandon Gilmore. We just finished talking with Brandon about growing up without Matthew, his older brother. Now we're going to talk to Brandon about loss and how he feels about wanting a brother. Brandon, you were raised as an only child. But you know, you weren't. Did you ever feel that there was someone missing from your life? And if you did, how did you feel he was missing?

spk_3:   7:29
Oh, that's a great question. When I was in a tough situation, when I needed other advice or another outlook, another set of eyes to help me with the situation I was going through. Sometimes it wasn't always optimal to go to Mom and Dad and say I have this problem because I knew what they were probably going to say Not that big of a deal, but as a kid, I just would have loved to have a brother their toe Listen to me talk and be there for me and understand me for who I waas. And I was fortunate of growing up to have friends around me, older friends and younger friends that made up for that loss of not having a brother.

spk_1:   8:12
Okay, when Joey was very young, even as Young is a year old, he started asking me for a brother. Did you ever ask your mom and dad if they were going to give you a brother?

spk_3:   8:25
Not necessarily. I never really asked them. It could have it. But I knew I had two brothers, one stepbrother and one biological brother. I just always appreciated having my parents around. They were always there for me. They always told me things. So they've always filled up that hole in the sense in my heart that I didn't have a brother. My dad was like my brother, my best friend, my inspiration for a lot of things. And my mom was always there to talk about. Well, let's say mushy stuff. But they are my best friends, and they make up for so much of the void that I feel for not having a brother. I always wanted a brother, but I never specifically asked him for one.

spk_1:   9:11
Okay, okay. If Matthew lived, what would you have wanted him to teach you tell me about specific time that you wish you had had Matthew with you.

spk_2:   9:22
I would have

spk_3:   9:23
to say it's the times now, the times where I feel the most vulnerable in the most alone because I'm coming to a point where I'm getting older and I'm starting to have to make decisions on what I want my life to be like. And it would have been great to have a brother that is there that can go through that with me that could have been by my side that could have fought me through this and said, Hey, I'm with you. You can do this. I know you can. It's one thing when the parents say that when Mom and dad comes up, he says, I know you can do it, but it's something else. If you have someone your equal with someone you respect other than your parents. When he comes up to you and says, Hey, man, you got this and I'm right behind you If you fall.

spk_1:   10:13
So do you feel that part of the desire to have somebody there for you right now is because you've made so many changes in your life? You moved from Germany to Texas, which is a big culture change, and you are changing from being a kid to being an adult. You're going through a lot of transitions all at once. Yes,

spk_3:   10:35
I mean, I would have to say that that has a major fact to do with it. But mostly biggest aspect of it is becoming an adult, the unknown situations coming to terms that nothing is forever. That is like the hardest part. I think in any child's life is to come to realize that one day mom and dad are gone. One day, the people that you care about will be gone, and it just would be nice to have someone by your side that could hold your hand Once these major influences in your life slowly fade away to help you transition and to becoming where you're meant to be.

spk_1:   11:17
It's really interesting that you should say that because just recently I lost my mother, as you know, and it has brought my sister and me closer. And I am thankful that I have my sister to turn to because it kind of is the two of us against the world. In some ways, when it all boils down, who else has known you your whole life for almost your whole life, aside from your sister or your brother? So I can see what you're saying? How having that person, I like what you said at the beginning, like your sidekick, your sidekick right there. It can really make a difference. Plus, they've seen you go through hard times. You've experienced those hard times together. There is something special about having a brother or a sister who is there by your side. So you did mention that you have 1/2 brother named Patrick, and I know that Patrick isn't really as much a part of your life as you would like him to be, either. Do you feel that that's another loss that you've experienced, Brendan?

spk_3:   12:24
Yes. I mean, you could say it like that. He came into our lives back in 2010 and he spent one whole year with us. And I got to say it was the time of my life. I finally had a brother that I could look up to. I had a brother that was there for me, and I was in bliss. I was like, I saw my dad happy that he was mingling with his son and I was just so happy to have a brother. And then when he had just left us so abruptly, it really hurt me because I was just getting used to him being a part of my life and being that brother that I was missing for so long. And I just had a watch that go away again. And then I've over the years tried to contact him, and he has just never responded to me. That's always been a a thorn in my thumb.

spk_1:   13:17
Yeah, I can imagine that would be something that would feel like a great loss to you because you've already lost a brother you never really knew. And then to lose a brother, you do get to now. Especially if the two of you got along well and it sounds like you did.

spk_3:   13:32
Yeah, we had a lot of common interest. We watched the same movies. We listened to the same music, played the same games, we rough housed. We

spk_2:   13:43
had

spk_3:   13:44
awesome talks. It's so weird because we grew up separate. But when we got together, it was like we lived with each other for all eternity. It was really great.

spk_1:   13:54
Wow. Well, I'm glad you shared

spk_2:   13:56
Patrick with us. When we come back,

spk_1:   13:59
we'll be talking about another person who's like a brother in your life

spk_2:   14:10
Forever by the Baby Blue Sound Collective. I think what I love so much about this CD is that some of the songs were inspired by the patient's

spk_4:   14:20
many listeners will understand many of the different songs and what

spk_2:   14:24
they've been inspired. Our new album will be available on iTunes amazon dot com. Spotify. I love the fact that the proceeds from this CD are actually going to help those with heart defects join Music home tonight forever.

spk_7:   14:45
I am with origami L jewelry and we personalized lockets. It has helped me heal so much by having that locket. I've had other friends and customers who have created lockets. They'd love their lockets, and they gift lockets to people who are bereaved or they're celebrating somebody

spk_2:   15:05
to get your own origami. Our luck it Contact Nancy Jensen on Facebook for her website. Fancy Dancing me dot origami owl dot com. Theo Today

spk_1:   15:18
Show is Rainbow baby brother and our guest this Brandon Gilmore. We just finished talking with Brandon about his sense of loss because his older brother, Matthew, passed away before Brandon was even born and because his older brother, Patrick, came into his life were just long enough to make an amazing connection. And then he, too, has just left. Not because he died, but just because he's not part of his life anymore. But in this segment, we're going to talk to Brandon about how he's found a way to fill the void he feels from losing. His brothers branded. Let's talk about how your mom and I met. What do you know about how your mom and I became friends?

spk_3:   15:58
Boo. I know that you guys met at some point. I think it was while you guys were in Switzerland. Maybe I'm not too sure about that, that you guys met and you guys had a connection because off your sons, your son Alex and my brother Matthew. You guys shared that connection, and you guys just had a natural report to each other. And you guys just became very good friends from that point on.

spk_1:   16:23
Well, you would think that. But that's not exactly how we met. I've been to Switzerland, but only passing through an airport. I never got a chance to actually visit Switzerland. Your mom and I met on the Internet.

spk_3:   16:35
Yes. Okay. Very good.

spk_1:   16:38
And we met because I was putting a book together called The Heart of a Mother. And somebody said to me, Anna, have you read this beautiful piece? And it was a piece that your mom had written about Matthew and had shared online. And as soon as I read what your mom wrote, I said, Oh, my goodness, I need this for my book. So I reached out to her. Do you know we never met face to face until my family went to Germany and your mom invited us to stay with you guys?

spk_2:   17:09
Wow. Uh, that

spk_3:   17:12
is some trust there. And that's awesome.

spk_2:   17:15
I know.

spk_1:   17:16
I was a little bit scared because we had never met face to face. And your mom invited us to come stay with her. And I said to Frank, What if we don't like each other?

spk_2:   17:24
What we gonna do? And

spk_1:   17:27
so we knew there were plenty of hotels and other places that we could go. You know, we had been writing back and forth for months at that point, so I I felt like I knew Debbie. But I was really relieved when we first met and we hugged right away. And you got along with Joey and Alex and Jeanne and Frank got along great. All of us. I mean, it was like meeting old friends, but it was our first time to actually meet in person. Oh, and you were a little guy because I want to say you were four. Maybe. Do you remember when we actually visited you in Germany?

spk_3:   18:02
I do remember. And I remember there was a Shrek phase.

spk_1:   18:05
Yes. Oh, my gosh. You had to trek every single day.

spk_3:   18:12
Poor Joey and Alex had to make them suffer.

spk_1:   18:18
It was hysterical because not only did you have to watch the movie every single day, but when You weren't watching the movie you were quoting from the movie.

spk_3:   18:28
Sounds like me.

spk_1:   18:30
You were singing the songs. Oh, my gosh. It was so Freddie. And then do you remember coming with your mom to Texas? I think she was visiting an aunt of hers.

spk_3:   18:40
Yes, I do. I think I came over. I remember Alex and I sitting on the sofa. I think it was with Domino. I'm not too sure. And we were playing game boys. That's what we were doing. That was the big thing at the time. Game, boys.

spk_1:   18:57
It must have been your aunt's dog because we went up to Dallas to visit with you. Anything that stands out in my mind from that visit was we all went over to the mall and you guys went ice skating together. Do you?

spk_3:   19:12
Yes. Oh, yes. I cried so much that day. It was painful.

spk_2:   19:17
Why did you? Because I kept

spk_3:   19:19
falling down, landing on the eyes.

spk_1:   19:21
I don't remember you crying at all. I do remember you falling. I was not brave enough to go out there with you kids. Debbie went out on the ice with you kids and I just stood off to the side and watched and prayed. Nobody would break an arm or anything, Huh? But you and Alex really, really hit it off. Do you remember that? The two of you just going around the ice skating rink together?

spk_3:   19:45
I do. I do. And to be quite honest, Alex has been such a friend over the years, even though we haven't really seen much of each other are heard much from each other. We've always been really good friends, in my opinion. And I really appreciate having gotten to know you guys, and Yeah,

spk_1:   20:04
well, let's talk about that because you're right. We met when you were really little, like, four years old and spent two weeks together. We traveled together, which was a lot of fun. We went to the castle together and spent a day touring the castles, which was a lot of fun. And then you're right. We didn't see each other for years because I think when you guys came to Dallas, I want to say that you were eight or nine. Does that sound about right?

spk_3:   20:33
I think so.

spk_2:   20:35
I think

spk_1:   20:36
you were up because you're a lot bigger. You're a lot taller. I remember beings the prize, that how much bigger you were and we kind of kept in touch, but we didn't keep in touch like I wish we could have. And then we didn't see you all again until Alex went over to Germany. So tell me a little bit about how you and Alex spent time together When Alex went to do an internship with your dad and lived with your family.

spk_3:   21:00
That was a great time. I got to say, that was also that someone had just gotten one of my first girlfriend at the time. So it was such inconvenient timing because I spent, I think, three weeks in Berlin with her That was like, really awkward for me. But it was so much fun having him there. We would sit downstairs in our basement and we would listen to music. He would be riding stuff. I was at this scary video stuff at the time, and I would be giving him ideas for his magic stories. That was one of the greatest times. I got to say, we were just sitting there having fun, going out with, with some of my friends, experiencing the world and just being who we were meant to be. And that was just one of the greatest times I had spending time with him.

spk_1:   21:44
Did you feel that Alex was kind of almost like a brother to you?

spk_3:   21:50
Oh, I do consider him, as my big brother is most definitely.

spk_1:   21:54
It's funny because he says that to me about you. He says branches like my little brother. I always wanted a little brother, Mom, and you and Dad never gave me one. But I have branded.

spk_2:   22:02
Now that's hostile. Yeah,

spk_1:   22:06
he loves having you come over and play games with him. And you guys do all kinds of things together. You do the video games you do board games. You that crazy unicorn unicorn thing. Have you not did that?

spk_2:   22:22
Yeah, I guess I've

spk_3:   22:23
gotten to do that. That seem things I think nobody should see with those

spk_1:   22:30
exploding kid is, have you? Have you played exploding kittens with it?

spk_3:   22:35
Yes. That's another thing I like. I love cats, but exploding cats just make my heart pump really fasting.

spk_2:   22:44
I love

spk_1:   22:45
you and Alex are also creative together. That's been a lot of fun to watch where I think you two were trying to make a YouTube channel together and you were trying to do some videos together. Am I right about that?

spk_3:   22:58
Yes, We were trying to do magic on boxing, movie reviews and stuff like that. I think that's still on the table. We both have been preoccupied with different things, so that's been kind of tying us up lately.

spk_1:   23:10
So do you feel that Alex has filled? Maybe some of that void some of that sadness that you had over not having a big brother?

spk_3:   23:21
Yes, I actually Do you spend a lot of time together? I would say about as much time as I would probably spend with The big brother of mine is like I would have my things that I do. He would have his things he would do, and periodically we just get together, maybe for days like days in a row, maybe a week who just get together and just have fun, just hang out, go to movies, go do stuff. And I really miss that. In Germany, I didn't have that so much because I wasn't old enough to drive. I wasn't old enough to be out in the city on my own But now I'm of that age where we can just go out and just have fun go to movies,

spk_1:   23:58
right? It makes a big difference that not only can you drive but you've got your car. Now, don't you think that makes a big difference?

spk_3:   24:05
Oh, yes, it does.

spk_1:   24:08
Almost with you, Alex actually spends more time with you right now than he does with his big brother.

spk_3:   24:13
Oh, wow. Really?

spk_1:   24:14
Yeah, because Joey is working and Joey lives an hour away, so we don't get to see how well, as much as we see you. Oh, I know.

spk_3:   24:23
Well, I'm just so glad to be able to spend time with you guys. It's just always been a great pleasure to be a part of your lives. The see Alex himself grow as well. You know, it's like what you would expect someone with the heart defective. He is frail and weak, but Alex has just been so strong, you know, he's he's never acted like he had a problem. He's always been normal, and I've always seen him as a normal person. And I really admire that about him that he just doesn't see a problem. He's normal and we hang out, we have fun. That that's just the greatest thing for me is to be able to see him like I would have seen my brother.

spk_1:   25:02
I love that that actually brings tears to my eyes. So if you had any advice to give to another rainbow baby somebody like you who had a brother or a sister who passed away before they got a chance to know them, what advice would you give to the other rainbow babies?

spk_3:   25:18
My advice to them would be keep your family closed, but by how much they get on your nerves and keep your friends close. Treat them the way you'd want to be treated and always keep your heart open for whoever comes into your life because you never know, maybe they will be your brother. From that point on,

spk_1:   25:38
I love that I feel like your mom is my heart sister.

spk_3:   25:44
I think you guys could have insisted that airport the same way of doing things. The great riding, great talking skills. I mean,

spk_1:   25:53
yeah, we are so close in so many ways. I think you're right. Keeping your heart open is the best thing you can do because you never know when someone will come into your life who will fill that void and be that friend, be that sidekick that you've been looking for

spk_3:   26:08
exactly.

spk_1:   26:09
Thank you so much for coming on the show today, Brand. And this was a lot of fun.

spk_3:   26:14
Thank you so much for having me. It means a lot to me that I got to share my story in my point of view of everything. And if I could maybe help some other rainbow babies out there, that's all I could ever wish for.

spk_1:   26:26
Oh, that's beautiful. Well, that concludes, is that beset of heart to heart with an end. Thanks for listening today. Please come back next week on Tuesday at noon, Eastern time or any time because remember, these are podcasts, and once they're broadcast there, always available for you you could find my show on iTunes by looking up and I Dworsky J W O r s k. I remember my friends. You are not alone.

spk_6:   26:49
This program is a presentation of hearts, unite the globe and is part of the hug Podcast Network are tonight The Globe is a nonprofit organization devoted to providing resource is to the congenital heart defect community to uplift on power and enrich the lives of our community members. If you would like access to free resource, is pretending to the CHD community. Please visit our website at www dot hug Dash podcast network dot com for information about CHD hospitals that treat Children with CHD summer camps for CHD survivors and much, much more.

spk_0:   27:29
Thank you again for joining us this week way. Hope you have been inspired on Empowered to become an advocate for the congenital heart defect community. Heart to heart with Anna With your hose down, Dworsky can be heard every Tuesday at 12 noon eastern time.