In this episode Dr. Thayne and Roxanne Thayne discuss the latest in the collection of Not by Chance Yearbooks. The purpose of the book is to share stories, quotes, photographs and writing prompts that encourage readers in intentional family living.
This issue is focused on the theme of home: coming home, strengthening the home, rebuilding the home, and memories of home.
Listen in as the Thaynes share the narratives they wrote, as well as two others that will give you a peek inside this inspiring and delightful read.
Issue 4 comes out November 15th, 2022 and can be purchased at www.notbychance.com. Makes a perfect gift for anyone who comes from or has a family!
In this episode Dr. Thayne and Roxanne Thayne discuss the latest in the collection of Not by Chance Yearbooks. The purpose of the book is to share stories, quotes, photographs and writing prompts that encourage readers in intentional family living.
This issue is focused on the theme of home: coming home, strengthening the home, rebuilding the home, and memories of home.
Listen in as the Thaynes share the narratives they wrote, as well as two others that will give you a peek inside this inspiring and delightful read.
Issue 4 comes out November 15th, 2022 and can be purchased at www.notbychance.com. Makes a perfect gift for anyone who comes from or has a family!
There are as many ways to parent as there are parents in this world. But there is one way to parent that wins every time. And that's doing it intentionally. This show is about helping things go right before they can go wrong. Each episode is chosen to help parents like you, who may be overwhelmed or uninspired, find the ideas and motivation to give their best efforts to the people and place that matters the most. I'm Dr. Tim, Thayne, author of the book and host of the podcast, not by chance, I believe that a family's success and happiness is not by chance. So welcome to the podcast built especially for intentional families. Let's jump in. Hi, everyone. As you can see, we are here live, I'm here with Roxanne, my wife, and she is the editor of the not by chance yearbook. And we're going to talk about that a little bit today. In this podcast, the topic of the yearbook, the theme is coming home,
Roxanne Thayne:it's actually just home period. It's about coming home. It's about building a home, it's about strengthening a home, and it's memories of home. And as we look through these stories, as we talked about some of the narratives that were put in here and some of the writing prompts, I think that we'll see, no matter what your home life was as a child, it, you can build a home with anybody anywhere today. And that's what it's all about. There's something
Dr. Tim Thayne:really powerful about that word. And I think it conjures up all kinds of different feelings for everyone. There's the ideal, then there's the reality. And then there's the goals, really the things that you want to change or do as part of creating a home. So I'm really excited about this too, because I think if there was one word that that I think, is part of my personal vision, it would have to do with that. And maybe family is the word but but a lot of times home and family got together.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah, I think that home kind of encompasses more than just the people, it it encompasses the traditions, and the space and the work and the meaning. And, and family, sometimes we think about the work itself, or in the relationships and home, it just is. I don't know, I think that everybody feels at home, whether it's in your bed or in your home that you have created now for yourself or the one that you actually originate from. And so we're just going to share a little bit about this issue for you know, we've had other issues that were about connection, or an issue about what was last year's preserving, preserving what is good, you know, in a world that everything is changing, and people are throwing things out, there are some things that definitely need to be preserved. But this year, we decided to focus on home, because people have been at home a lot. And there is real need to focus on the most important place in your life. And so that's why we started with that one. So
Dr. Tim Thayne:it's gonna be hard to find another theme. So, so good is this one right now. So maybe
Roxanne Thayne:we'll just end with this. Maybe
Dr. Tim Thayne:we'll be the last will be the last one is a good Capstone if that is the case. So maybe we could start out by just maybe sharing a few of the stories. And we both wrote a story so we can share that. And then we we've read, we've read some of the others who would love to maybe highlight one or two more. Yeah. And so you want me to
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah, you go ahead and start and share them. Just share your thoughts share one. Okay.
Dr. Tim Thayne:So keeping a home takes work, we all know that. Sometimes it's just daily maintenance and other times it's a complete overhaul. The same can be said for keeping our families that reality shouldn't be discouraging, as much as it is normalizing. It does take work. And I want to share an experience that I had that I wrote about in the book. And it's one of those those experiences that I was with a lot of other people but I think I was the only one that had the experience which is kind of interesting. The setting is the Salt Lake City Airport. We're standing there as a large group large family waiting for my nephew to come home after a two year mission. away. We hadn't seen him for that long. Along with our family. There were other family groups waiting for their loved one to come home as well. Lots of balloons and posters and family members lots of joy, waiting and anticipating this this reuniting and as I watched people come down the escalator they're the usual in All kinds of countenances you know some people are really tired and worn out after a long journey others are really excited because they're home or, or they're nervous and anxious because they got to get somewhere. And as I was watching this because my nephew's plane was late, I I was watching the people come down the escalator to the baggage claim area. And I noticed a young woman looked like she was probably 2122 years old. She's carrying she got a backpack on she's clutching a pillow to her chest and she steps onto the escalator, kind of timidly looking out over the crowd, obviously looking for someone she recognizes. And she has this little smile, timid smile come to her to her face, and she recognize some people. So I, I notice where she's looking, I turn in that direction to see if I can find who's there for her. And there are four or five people standing there on the edge of the group in the back and they held high. The signs a sign that said welcome home Abbey 21 days sober. And when I saw that my heart just, I was just so soft towards her what she had been going through and, and also so appreciative that she had evidently been okay with them having some kind of public welcome, after she'd been in rehab. And so proud of them that they came to show up for her. And what I want her to do is run over there and congratulate her and give her you know, some extra support and congratulate this group of people who were there to welcome her home. But instead, it was time to welcome my nephew. So he was he came down the escalator and I thought, what an interesting contrast here that, you know, we're waiting for someone to come home, under certain circumstances sell a true celebration. And yet, the thing that touched my heart the most was this, this young woman who had been evidently has really struggled, and he or she was coming home and greeted in just the right way. So that was my story about home. In this case, I guess it wasn't necessarily the physical structure of the home, but it was the people that she was coming home to
Roxanne Thayne:think that you cry every time you tell that story. And most people who hear it do, and I think it's because we've all been welcomed when we've caused trouble for people, and we've been welcomed back. And that's just something really wonderful about family or whoever you include in that group called family. So whenever you tell that story with parents, at treatment programs, I think you get that same reaction.
Dr. Tim Thayne:Oh, yeah. Especially them because they can visualize their own child in that situation. Yeah.
Roxanne Thayne:Well, the story that I chose to share happen when we're traveling, whenever we travel from our home where we live now back to my home, where I grew up in Flagstaff, Arizona, there is a cabin on the way that is out sitting in this mountain valley. That is just no windows left, just a crumbling chimney. old wood, all the outbuildings and the fences. And you know, the corrals and everything are gone. It's just the structure standing there. And I often think and I probably say it every single time, I think, what have those walls seen? Who has lived in those walls? And what did they see. And it's been a thought for me that this this area that we live, it can kind of absorb the highs and the lows and the mundane of our lives. And I've ever since I was a little girl I've assigned living thinking feelings and motives to inanimate objects. And I don't think I'm alone, in that I think people feel that for their cars or their stuffed animals or whatever. But I actually feel that for a home. And I don't know why I'm getting all emotional about this. But the article that I wrote was, what are some of the things that our home might have absorbed in the time that that we have lived there. And so I just wrote a few of those things that I think that are the most common, and some things that actually punctuate the highlights and lowlights of our life. And so some of those that they've absorbed are tell everyone it's time to eat. You're failing to classes. Have you fed the horses yet? We're having a baby. This room is a disaster and you cannot leave until it's cleaned. Think that's probably number one.
Dr. Tim Thayne:was mine. You fed the horses. Yeah, that's
Roxanne Thayne:number one. This
Dr. Tim Thayne:one's yours.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah. Merry Christmas. It looks like Santa found our house last night. Other some pretty happy memories. She got asked to prom. He's relapsed again. Dad needs your help outside. Mom, where's my fill in the blank. They say I have cancer. Or you run next door and ask if we can borrow vanilla. And seriously people, can we go a day without fighting? I think that, um, don't you feel like those are probably some of our most common things. I'm looking at my son behind the camera here. Because they really are what our walls have absorbed. And so, you know, as I think about those things, I think what what did I want to create my home life to be like, there's things that I feel sad about that I did not do. And then there's things I feel pretty darn proud about. And I think that if I was to get to choose what I'd want my home to have absorbed, I would hope it would be hurray your home. I think that everybody needs to be welcomed like that into that home. And so that's what I decided to write about.
Dr. Tim Thayne:So great.
Roxanne Thayne:So which one Tim did you feel like was another fun different version of home that you wanted to share about? And
Dr. Tim Thayne:maybe I'll share the one from Michelle Mulford.
Roxanne Thayne:Alrighty, let me get that for you. Michelle is our our editor in the managing editor, but she's an editor that just does a wonderful job for us. And she works at homeward bound. And she has such wonderful experiences. And this one is definitely the highlight, I think, for us,
Dr. Tim Thayne:and I'm probably not gonna do it justice, unfortunately. But it's so great to tell the idea, not the story. Yeah, the title is, you're not broken, you're just under construction. And basically, Michelle Rhee reframes what we might be thinking about, you know, a times we, we try to cope with things in life and the wrong way, and it creates even more damage. And she shares kind of a metaphor of a home with a, some problems with the plumbing system and things like that ends up rotting the wood and the walls and everything else until it really creates a mess and inside the home, and then she she uses that metaphor as a person. So instead of calling ourselves broken, or, or we're messed up, or whatever we might, we might claim or say about ourselves, when we're struggling, I love her reframe is that you're just under construction. And that's really what it is, if you think about life, and the journey that it is, it's fraught with all kinds of, you know, problems and, and there will be some times we have to remodel, we have to maybe knock out a wall that's become corrupted by water, or whatever damage it is, and we have to rebuild. And so she does an amazing job of helping you see that in her in her story. And, and then at the end afterwards, as with a lot of the, the stories up here, there's little exercises that you can do. And so basically, there's this little pie chart where all five pieces make the hole. So there's a pie, six pieces, so six pieces to the pie. And the the instruction is to write down on five of these pieces, the things that are that good, that are good, are working really well. And one thing that needs to be reconstructed. And I think that's great, both for me and maybe for some other people in my family.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah, you know, and I want to emphasize this book is not homework. This is not curriculum, this is not a heavy book. This is just if you wanted if you were inspired by a narrative for you to take another step and build it out. Everything about this book is to inspire intentional family living. And and so what I loved about that exercise is really, while you're in that mode of hearing about how Michelle had to remodel part of her life, at a time where she had ignored things and just tried to cope, you might see that you've done that yourself and to take note right then will be powerful and it will change the story for yourself. And then also for the other relationship that you write about. So I agree it's a really great one. And it's it's fun to to be inspired and take action right then. And I think that you don't have to overhaul everything. It's just a little tweak in your brain, right, a little new thought that could change the way you interact in your very next interaction. Hmm,
Dr. Tim Thayne:I love that because instead of thinking I gotta knock down this whole house and start over, it's really not the case, we have have some work to do all of us in there. And, and so she does a wonderful job of helping us recognize that there's a lot of good, and there's some things we can work on.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah. You know, there's also beautiful photography in this book, beautiful. And there's wonderful quotes about home, we even have a playlist of all the different genres of music, and the songs that they sing about home, it's 35 different songs about home are going to create the playlist for you, so you can just go find it. But um, one of the quotes was by Thorton, Wilder, and he said, when you're safe at home, you wish you were having an adventure. When you're having an adventure, you wish you were safe at home. That's true. That's true. There's just a safety and an ease about home. And but then sometimes you actually need to get out and it's good to have both of those experiences. So the the narrative that I wanted to share was written by Margaret Kellerman, and she is a mentor of mine that I've had since I was a teenager. She has a PhD and has taught and travelled and is just a delightful person, very important in my life, but she wrote one called micro traditions, small acts of love that keep us connected. And she basically went through and just talked about some of the things that she has done in her family to create little bits of connection that aren't big deals like a Thanksgiving dinner. But they're just cute little things that she has done with her children. She talks about giving a math problems while they're in the bathtub, and how much they loved that. And they just love to do things like estimate how many dishes or items they have to wash after dinner. And then whoever got closest when they were done, they win for that night, they don't get a prize or anything. It's just that they won. One of my other favorites is that she talked about kindergarten, walking her daughter to school for the first time and her daughter didn't want her mom hanging around her. And so they learned that she would step away from her mom, and they would do a lot more, which is the sound of kissing from far away without really hugging or touching. But they would just do that. And she says even today, her daughter has grown and has children of her own. But they still do that little wah, wah wah, to let each other know that they love each other. And that that was just a really darling, a thought. She also talks about one of her happiest memories is just laying under the trees, eating popsicles with the juice, dripping down her chin down her neck and into her shirt while she'd lay under a tree having popsicles. And so then, of course, we have a prompt about what are some of your family's micro traditions, not the big, heavy things that that you have to do. But just little things that have emerged just in family life. It's part of your culture. Yeah, just part of your culture. And one of the things that Margaret says in her bio that I love is Margaret, Margaret Kinderman, thinks the Peace Corps took the slogan that should have been for parents, the toughest job you'll ever love. And I think that that's really, really perfect. Well said, and how did the Peace Corps get at not parents?
Dr. Tim Thayne:Yeah. Wow. That's just a little taste of what's what's actually in the book out how many articles are there? Do you think
Roxanne Thayne:I'd ask you that I think we probably have 18, different narratives, and then quotes and lists and prompts and just some really wonderful, beautiful things. I think the reason that we do the not by chance yearbook every year is to remind parents that you don't have to always be focused on the problems that you can get ahead of the game and focus on making things go right. And isn't that one of the principles that are bound and not by chance, right, focusing on making things go right before they go wrong. And, and the other reason that we love this book is because it can be a gift for anyone. It can be for a professional, it can be sitting on a, you know, a coffee table at a at a doctor's office, it could be a gift for Christmas, it could be a form of encouragement for somebody who is struggling in their family, to let them know that you know what, you move through these and that's what these stories are. They talk about adoption, and the heartache with that they talk about addiction. They talk about mothers being mother bearers and overbearing and how they learned to tone it down. There's just so many different different things that it could encourage families with and it's not just all by women, it's by men. And it's I don't know I this is obviously my favorite thing that we do, and my favorite project every year, but it's because it pulls from so many people's experiences. And that is just inspiring.
Dr. Tim Thayne:You know, I found that this sitting on the test able, basically and you you flip it open. And if even if you're not a reader, you don't do too much reading, you'll flip it open and see the beautiful photography and other things in there. And it draws you in. And then you'll read a story because it's it's short, you know, that story is not going to take you long, and you feel better. And you will, you'll have that experience of being uplifted. So that's what kind of gift it is that you can give to people. So how do how do people find this book? Where did they get it?
Roxanne Thayne:Well, you can go to not by chance.com and an order it from there. It will be available November 15. But you can also pre order it. I don't even have a copy in my hand right now. And I just I wanted to just tell a personal experience with that. So we have a teenager who it it's hard to have a conversation with him. But the other day I just said, Hey, can you come in the living room for a second, I want to show you something. And I showed him the unbound issue for and I said look at these. And I was flipping through the pictures with him. And I said, I want to read you this one about a wrestling story. And I read about a wrestler and his family and an experience about home. And then we turn the next page and we read we probably read five stories. And that never happens to people. But he could not help himself from being engaged and involved in it. And I think that you would have that same situation whether you had him captive in a car as you're traveling for the holidays. Or if you just open it up on the at the dinner table. Or if you're all sitting around the fire one night this winter, and you just open up and read one. I think people are going to want to keep turning pages. And it's something you can go back and read. And so there's also the other first three issues are still available. If you wanted to get the whole collection that would be another great gift for yourself.
Dr. Tim Thayne:Absolutely. So if you want an amazing family experience, yeah, just sit down and read it together or read a read a story at a time. So well thank you Roxanne. And she really is the the energy behind this and the passion behind it. And in really the vision, and so we're excited to have it out soon and available to all of you. Parents, your time is valuable, and I'm grateful you spent some of it with us. What you're intentionally doing in your home life is inspiring and unmatched in its importance and long term effects. Ask yourself, What am I going to do because of what I've learned today?