Courage to Speak (Communication 2/2)

Dr. Tim Thayne does his second episode in a mini-series on communication. He discusses speaking and the responsibility we have in conveying our opinions. By the time you finished listening to this, you will be able to express your thoughts in a way that fosters conversation rather than conflict.

Transcript

Talmage Thayne: 0:03

Welcome to the not by chance Podcast. I'm Talmage. Tim Thayne son in podcast manager. Today, Dr. Tim Thayne will be talking about his second half of the communication series, the courage to speak. If you haven't listened to last week's episode on listening, make sure to go listen to that one first.

Dr. Tim Thayne: 0:27

Hey, everybody, last time, we talked about the listening side of communication, and today I'm going to talk about the speaking side. And as Winston Churchill said, both sides of this equation really requires courage. He said that sometimes our courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. Kind of interesting, as he talks about sitting down versus standing up, when you're talking about speaking, sometimes standing up is what you need to do, because you need to be in a position where people can see you, they can see your nonverbals, they can hear you well. So that makes sense. sitting down and listening, you really kind of taking this position of, I'm just trying to receive whatever is there for me to receive. So let's talk about the speaking side for a second here, you know, speaking, is something we many of us do naturally, especially when we're upset at someone. The natural inclination, in a situation where there's conflict is that both parties want to be the speaker. So I just want to remind you, even though we're talking about speaking, let's make sure in whatever setting it is that we have one person who is dedicated to that role of, of listening, that makes it possible for this transfer of information to actually take place. And so as a speaker, it's really important, first and foremost, that you speak responsibly. If there's a lot of personal attacks going on, if there are abrasive words being used, all of those things is actually going to shut down communication. If our voice is elevated or loud, or especially for yelling, obviously we're conveying an energy that's going to shut down communication, not open it up. So first thing is, speak responsibly. Now this is harder than it sounds, because if we are being triggered, emotionally, we are we are probably doing some things verbally, non verbally that is making it difficult for someone to listen to us. Alright, let's take the example of a parent and a child relationship. And I'm thinking back to a situation at Homeward Bound where we're working with a family, their daughter come out of a treatment program. And they've had a lot of conflict before this, this treatment experience happened. So historically, they had not communicated very well together. And we taught them a process we call solution talk. And the parents did an amazing job, first of all, because she would try to trigger them because as soon as they would be triggered emotionally, if they if they lost their cool, it became really easy for her to disregard what they said, and go and do whatever she wanted to do anyway. And so she actually made it a little bit of a, I think a manipulation or an effort on her part, to try and trigger literally trigger her parents to saying something that they would regret which would then give her permission to go do what she wanted to do. And so, the mother recount that countless story that the daughter starting on a Monday, started really badgering her started even you know calling her names and fighting kind of picking fights with her verbally. And she did a wonderful job all week of staying calm, not speaking in bad ill ways or angry tones. And until the end of the week on a Thursday afternoon. The girl had pushed so many of her buttons over the course of the week that she lost her cool. She yelled at or said some things that later she regretted. Well, the next thing that happened the next day was a party that the mother had told her daughter that she was not allowed to go to the doctor decided to go anyway, in spite of that she went, she took her first drink of alcohol after treatment experience. And she had a bit of a relapse at that point in time. A month or so later, they've kind of recovered from this relapse, and the coach was talking to the parents about this episode and how it kind of spun out of control, they were going back in time looking at that. And the daughter said, I knew I wanted to go to this party all week. And I was trying to really trigger my mom, because in the past, whenever we fought that was when I have the courage and felt like I was justified to do whatever I wanted to. So when my mom lost her cool, that was my permission to go to the party. So as a speaker, we need to be responsible. Alright, so let me give you a few tips. As far as being a great speaker, and working through issues well with someone else in particularly in close relationships like family. Let's say that you first of all, define what the issue is. That way, you're going to stick to that issue and nothing else. A lot of times when we're upset, and we're in the Speaker's role, will start to reach out and grab other issues and bring them into the conversation instead of staying focused on the one thing, so let's not complicate it any more than it needs to be. Second, be the listener first and the speaker second. That way you can really understand where that person is coming from. You can empathize you can be changed by what they say you can modify how you feel, and how you want to approach this conversation. When it's time for you to speak, though, the next point would be, make sure you summarize to their satisfaction. What it is that they said, that's one of the most powerful ways you could begin your role as speaker, not just listener, but summarize what it is, until they are clear that you understand them. Keep in mind, that doesn't mean that you agree with everything they're saying, if you can summarize to their satisfaction, that's the key not that you agree necessarily. The next thing is, understand, have enough self awareness that you know where you stand on the situation, that you know, you can tell the difference between their feelings and the facts of the situation. Separate those things out and be really responsible for how you talk about it, you can say, here's what I saw happen. Here's what I thought about what I saw. And here's how that makes me feel. That starts to help us as speakers really conveyed in a in a way that can be accepted by the listener. Because if we stayed everything is fact, then all of a sudden, the listener just can't can't listen, because it makes it impossible for them to accept that our interpretation of what happened is actually universal truth or fact. So if we say, here's what happened, you got home from from the party at 1am in the morning. And that is absolutely inexcusable. And you're you're being totally disrespectful when you do that of the rules. That makes it hard to listen to that fear teenager. On the other hand, if you said something like you got home at one o'clock in the morning, I checked my clock when you came through the door. And I thought to myself he's been really disrespectful and regarding of the rules that we set together. And that made me feel when I thought that I had this emotion, of feeling really, truly angry over what you had done. And actually not just that, but afraid that you'd make bad decisions at that time of night or just that you're not regarding what we're talking about as parents that feels completely differently to someone trying to listen. So that's my last thought for today. Let's make sure that we're very self aware as a speaker. We're taking responsibility for the words we choose. We're taking responsibility for the tone we're using. We're trying to be polite and kind even though we may have to deliver difficult information. And we're ready to turn back into a listener as well, when they have their opportunity to speak again.