Not By Chance Podcast
It’s hard to define what a successful and happy family is, much less how to achieve one. Dr. Tim Thayne, a thought-leader in teen treatment and parent coaching, shares inspiring best practices gleaned from decades of his own and other expert’s work related to intentional family living. Whether your family is in the midst of a major struggle or you are looking for fresh ideas to help you prioritize and enhance your home life, this podcast is for you.
Not By Chance Podcast
Not By Chance Yearbook Launch - Issue 2
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Dr. Tim and Roxanne Thayne announce Issue Two of the Not By Chance Yearbook. They feature two of their favorite articles, two writing prompts, as well as the narratives they wrote themselves on this year's theme of connection.
Welcome to the not by chance Podcast. I'm Talmage, Dr. Thayne son and podcast manager. Today, Dr. Thayne and Roxanne, Thayne, his wife and my mom are talking about the not by chance yearbook they're starting the season off just like last season talking about the great articles and ways to improve intentional family living this was recorded while they were announcing the not by chance yearbook during a Facebook Live and without further ado, let's get into this
Roxanne Thayne:hello everybody we're excited to be here it's been a while huh? Well, we
Dr. Tim Thayne:want to welcome everybody to this Facebook Live and also to welcome you here for our kickoff have not by chance your book number two.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah, so we have been like the rest of you in a really weird state over the last I don't know, I would say even nine months even before Corona hit, where we've just been kind of buried in things but when Corona hit, I think all of us thought okay, this is a nice little two week break. We sent everybody home here that was working at the bar and we said okay, everybody have a great break. It's kind of exciting. And then it's just drug on and on and changed everything and then we actually had Corona both Tim and I in our house. I'd say my symptoms were way worse than his but he got tested and yes he did have it
Dr. Tim Thayne:she didn't want to share Corona she liked it. She wanted to think that she was the only one that had it in our family. So I wouldn't got tested and sure enough, I have the antibodies so I did go through it too. We weren't we were very fortunate a lot of other people haven't been and we know that there's that's been devastating for others but for us it was it was difficult but we went we got through it pretty easy. Yeah, we
Roxanne Thayne:it's been an interesting summer because of the Coronavirus. Nobody here at work with us everybody going virtual fortunately for us, the work that we've been doing for 15 years with Homeward Bound has always been at a distance. We we work inside the homes with families for a time and then we do the rest distance. So it didn't really disrupt that for us. But it disrupted our leadership team in the work we were doing together. It just kind of slowed everything down and made us think a lot more about what it is we're trying to do. So today we're doing a Facebook Live trying to kind of wake back up again. And we're also launching our second season of the not by chance
Dr. Tim Thayne:podcast podcast. Yeah, so we're going to have several. It's exciting. We've got a lot of folks that actually contributed to the yearbook this year, that's going to be doing a podcast for us. Others on our team who came to our virtual advance this year prepared to share some amazing things with the team. We're going to bring them in and have them share that with with everyone out there. And so some really exciting things. We're starting to kind of wrap those things back up again, the things we wanted. The thing we want to really focus on today, though, is I wanted to interview Roxanne she's really the the force behind the not by chance yearbook and Michelle Mulford as well on our team has done a lot of work as well. But it's an amazing thing I have to admit, at first I was kind of like, okay, how does this fit into our vision and mission, really, to do that. And over time, they've completely convinced me that this is this is a really, really important thing for us to do. And so we're excited about in fact, maybe what you can do is just talk about the themes.
Roxanne Thayne:Okay. Well, it was interesting, as we did our first yearbook, if you'll remember last year, this is our first issue of the not by chance yearbook. The reason we even wanted to do a yearbook was because our book not by chance that came out to help families who had teens in treatment, when they were when it was time for them to go. To go home as well as while the parents were preparing for the kids to come home. We felt like that was a great book. It still is it's just it's we get comments all the time about how helpful it is how they read it, reread it, listen to it on audio, keep it with them sticky note it, it's very important. But for families that didn't have a teen and treatment, it may not be as important to them. So what we wanted to do is really give something back to all families. So there is a ton of amazing work that's being done in treatment in the treatment field in professionals offices, but also within the walls of people's homes. There are so many amazing parents that we work with. I mean, you were talking to one today that you said she has made it her mission to be educated about how to help her family, her children. And she is not alone in that. We just decided that we wanted to do something that would give back to the field. That would be inspirational that wouldn't be assignments, homework, heavy text heavy, but it would be beautiful that would inspire that would make us remember the most important things in our life which is our relationships and our family. So that's why we started with the yearbook last year, and we had amazing response to it. Well, I'm excited to show you this year's yearbook Do you want to hold yourself, we've kind of already got them all stickied up. This is this year's edition, issue two, and it comes out in the fall before Thanksgiving as a way for us to, again, show thanks to the field. And to all of those great parents who are doing such great work with your families. We loved this image. Can I just talk about this for a second, we had all kinds of different covers that we were thinking about. And it all went along with the theme. So as a team, we got together and brainstormed what would we want this theme to be the first year our theme was just really about intentional family living. And so it was kind of a loose theme. This year, we thought we want to do something that's really going to keep that theme going throughout all of the articles, all the writing prompts all of the poetry and photography, the lists, and we came up with seasons, celebration, communication, and connection, and connection just stuck. Well, obviously, back in early March, we had no idea that connection was going to become such a huge thing with Corona.
Dr. Tim Thayne:That's what we're all craving right now. And so I think that the timeliness of this is just perfect. Because we want to feel like we're really back in touch that we're feeling we're connecting, we're relating with one another. And I have to say that I have a feeling that you open up this book and start reading, you're gonna feel that because you're gonna be thinking about experiences in your own lives, people in your own lives, those people you love, and it will connect you to that, as well as connect you with with really some some inspirational kinds of things and some to do's practical kinds of things that they can do to connect better. In fact, we're going to talk about a couple of those today. In this in this podcast,
Roxanne Thayne:Facebook Live, if I can just get personal for a second, one of the things that we're very excited about is we recently finished our basement so that our son and daughter in law can move into the basement, and they just made us grandparents two weeks ago. So we have our first granddaughter, her name is all of joy, and she is a delight. She's the cutest thing we've seen since our own kids. So that's been a big, big deal for us. But as we talked about connection, this summer, a lot of things were canceled, I'm sure for all of you, from graduations to family reunions, to weddings, and we had all of those same things happen. In fact, we host a big annual barbecue in our backyard for our neighborhood. And in the end, we found out that we had Corona, we were in our house peeking through the shutters as everybody had fun in our backyard. It was kind of kind of sad,
Dr. Tim Thayne:it was nice. They did bring us some barbecue, put it on our porch rang the doorbell and got out of there. But it felt a little odd. We couldn't connect with our neighbors around that. But yeah, so So I know, we're still in the midst of that. And I think that this, this book can help a little bit along those lines.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah. And so today, what we wanted to do was just give you a sneak peek about some of the articles and the things that are in it, of course, we're hoping that you will want to get a copy of this for yourself. But there you will see that this is something that can really benefit any family member. And it would be a wonderful Christmas gift or gift for someone who's struggling a lot of times, you know, a Hallmark card just doesn't have what we want it to have in there. We want to provide inspiration and just a little trite phrase is not enough for what they're going through. And so this is just something that says we believe in you, we believe in the power of families of great parents who care. And this might give you some further ideas on how to make your family situation a little bit more intentional, a little less by chance. So what we thought we would do is kind of run through it and share six different sections. One article Tim wrote when I wrote his pick for an article to share and my pick, and then his pick for a writing prompt or list and my pick for writing prompt or list just so you can get a flavor of what's in there. So Tim, why don't you start with your article?
Dr. Tim Thayne:Well, first of all, it was really hard to to pick I guess the beginning we're going to talk about our own so I didn't know what to talk about. Honestly. I was busy doing other things and Roxanne and Michelle are saying come on let's get an article from you. And it's happens to be one of my favorite themes. Pause possible is connection. I believe in that I believe in authentic connection relationships. But I was too busy doing other things and and luckily I'd shared a story or two probably during the management meeting, leadership meeting, and Michelle Mulford, she picked one that I talked about said How about right about that one and it and it happens to be about maybe a story that I haven't really shared much outside the family because I didn't see it as A, I guess, I didn't see it as an example of connection until, in hindsight as we looked at it, it made total sense. It's also not one I'm really proud of, in some ways. And so I'm being a little vulnerable and sharing this, this particular story. But I'm not gonna give you the whole story, I want you to come and read it, because it's much better. All of these are much better than we can even describe to you. This takes place back when I was in high school. And I know a lot of us like to live our glory days we look back and our time is adolescence, before we were coming of age, and before we're adults trying to find ourselves and, and we have some pretty cool stories from back then, especially if you're born in the 80s. I think, you know, our daughter often told me one day she goes, Dad, I wish I grew up in the 80s your life sound is so fun. And I think it's, you know, maybe we glorify it a little too much. But, but this story took place, I used to play sports at our small high school, won a school, and most of the boys did, most of the girls played their sports. And with only 32 in your graduating class, you have a pretty good chance of making the team and not even a bad chance of being a starter on some of these teams. And so this story talks about of a longtime rivalry between us and our, our very probably closest High School, one, a very small school in Utah. And, and the rivalry was pretty deep, it was pretty intense. And it led to a pretty epic experience at the end of one of our ballgames. So that the title of the the article is called the fight. And so this experience is one I've only told in small circles. And because like I said, I'm not real proud of it, I was in the center of this this fight. I think you started it, I didn't really start it. I was I was you react to me and another guy, I guess, started, the two of us did, but it was it ultimately led to the community intervening. And I think it's also pretty interesting, given the time that we're living in with so much conflict, and in the world and, and divisiveness going on at the moment. And so I think you'll find the community, in this case, this history, the story, stepping in as a really inspiring kind of thing. And in so many other ways in my life, I felt my community was connected to me, that I truly was cared for. enough that they would do sometimes hard things for me and for my family, and enough that they would not just be a cheerleader, but even intervene in this fight. So you gotta you gotta get to read it. But it's called the fight. And that's, that's the one I wrote.
Roxanne Thayne:Okay, well, the one that I had the opportunity to write, I did a couple of different ones, but I just didn't feel my heart was in it until I'm gonna get all emotional. Till I started to think about my mom passing this last fall, and my dad had passed 11 years earlier. And I guess I didn't really feel the full impact. But when both parents are gone, all of a sudden, you really feel like an orphan, which sounds dramatic for people who truly are. But even at 50, when you lose a loved one, you miss that. And so I talk a little bit about that in my my article, but it's called stay in touch. I love and ways physical contact heals us. Now, we've all been going through a major dearth of physical touch in these last few months, I don't know if it feels to you like it's changed your personality, to have the social distancing that's required, but it has changed my personality, I just don't feel like I can share my love without physical touch. So I just wanted to go through some of the things that are done through physical touch what it portrays, that it portrays companionship, trust, encouragement, healing, attraction, relaxation, acceptance, celebration, understanding, and it goes on, it conveys all of that through the ways that we physically touch one another and that crosses all cultures, all socio economic classes. It's it's truly healing to have that physical connection. And I'm not saying go out and break any kinds of rules, but remember how important it is even within your own family and especially with those that you might be struggling with. It's amazing to me when there's a little bit of tension if I can scratch a back how my children will relax into me and open up and share with me and My feelings for them completely soften if I've been frustrated if I can have some of that physical connection, so I hope you'll enjoy that story because in each of those I share an experience from my life of physical touch and how it blessed me.
Dr. Tim Thayne:I love to hers as well there's so many different ways as she mentioned there and I think you could just almost pull him out almost like a little list when did I do that last and and realize that maybe we haven't done that as much as we should. All right, so the the pick up for me out of this out of this yearbook. It's from Joe Bittner. And Jill happens to be a really good friend of ours Claire back in college. I saw her as maybe one of my insiders because she was roommates to Roxanne we were both on the ballroom dance team with Jill at that time and, and Jill was a little bit of an insider for me helping me know what was going on with her and, and that I have a shot you know, things like that. So Jill has a special place in our hearts already. But she she's been through a lot physically she's, she's experienced the the fight of dealing with cancer, and the existential kind of thoughts you have about your life and your existence and all of that as she suffered through that. But she tells us an incredible story. And by the way, she is an amazing writer, she's able to convey this in such a powerful way. She tells a story about a a neighbor, a woman that lived in her neighborhood went to the same church as her and and Cher gave her a bouquet of flowers. But she was very shy, very bashful. uncomfortable, she didn't know Jill well, and so she was kind of hemming in hiding at the doorstep as she handed her the flowers. Jill does an incredible job of conveying this act that she didn't pay a lot of attention to other than being grateful that those flowers were shared with her two or three times during that day. But she got some some really difficult news at the end of the day, and and she ties that together with this selfless act of service that this neighbor had given to her and the the flowers and what they meant. And so, personally, I've read it three times now and every single time I have teared up. I literally read it this morning, teared up, and I'm getting a little more soft in my old age and maybe as a grandpa even softer, I don't know. But I really think this is one of those those stories that will touch every human. It's it's incredible. And, and then I read the last paragraph to Roxanne just the last paragraph and I tear it up again. And so if your tear ducts are clogged and they haven't worked for a while, I really recommend you read this book from this article from Jill. It's called not much never suppress a generous thought. And it's it's amazing. So jealous if you see this thank you for that incredible article.
Roxanne Thayne:I'm one of my picks and it is so difficult to pick because I love every story for a different reason. But this one was something that really touched me because I think it speaks to men. I think a lot of times when people see a book this beautiful they think oh it's for me and my girlfriends. No this is for everybody. And this article in here it's called a change of heart is by Harold curse dead who is a professor of
Dr. Tim Thayne:his management systems engineers and
Roxanne Thayne:management systems engineer, a nuclear engineer. So you think okay, what is he going to have to share but he shares life experience. In fact, he in his bio, he says that he's an octogenarian has traveled the world, started businesses and coached executives through their issues, and has seven children, nine grandchildren and six great grandchildren. He paints landscapes has been several types of engineer and studied family relationships in a seminary. He has lived a lot of life. He's retired now in Florida, and we really appreciated him sharing a very difficult story. He shared the story of growing up with an alcoholic father who was gone a much in his growing up years in the first few years of his life and in the military. And he was very abusive, to his wife and two children. Harold talks about how that affected him and his life and how he decided he would never do that. But then he became a dry drunk in raising his own children, and how he would terrorize them with his expectations of them while he was going on business trips, and what he expected to have done when he returned home. Then he talks about a moment where he repented of those feelings and those actions and wanted that relationship with his children again, so How he asked for forgiveness was given it and what their relationship ship is like today, it's another tear jerker, you just want to cheer, because we've all made mistakes in our parenting and to have somebody take the courage that it takes to ask for forgiveness and ask for a relationship, and then for the family to be forgiving, and give that it's a beautiful story. So that's one of my favorite picks.
Dr. Tim Thayne:There's so many wonderful things here. We'll just go into the writing prompts here.
Roxanne Thayne:So let me just explain why we do writing prompts. We don't want this to be an assignment, we don't want it to be an exercise, we just want it to be something that will help you go a little bit deeper, rather than like, Oh, that was nice. But instead actually do something with the information, do something with that emotion that was evoked by that story. And so we've put some writing prompts in following some of these stories to help you do that, if you like, you don't have to, it's hard to write in the book, it's so pretty. But
Dr. Tim Thayne:yeah, take out another piece of paper that's come in, don't write in the book. So you can see on the front cover intentional family living. And I think all these prompts are really meant to have you intentionally do something to take that inspiration into your real life and real relationships here. So this is the one I love. It's, you can't see it, it's upside down on the camera there. But it's called 22, swipeable phrases that promote connection, and preserve the relationships. And the thing that hit me, as I read through these is that many of the things that I naturally do, and I think most parents will, will naturally do, it's sort of the, you know, first response that we might have, tends to not be the best response. And I remember Stephen Covey talking about fastest, slow, slow is fast when you're talking about human relationships. And so the thing that is instinctive oftentimes is not going to be the most helpful thing for the relationship. It's the more practiced unnatural response, that will give us the best results. So let me give you just a couple of examples of this. So it says, instead of doing these kinds of things over here, try this over here, say this instead. And some people are looking for what words, should I say what give me the exact words that will make the difference. And so these are words, we really should commit to memory, and look for opportunities to use them. So instead of saying, Have you done XYZ yet, and I'm very guilty of this, because I'll usually say I'm thinking about the chores, and the horses that haven't been fed. So have you fed the horses yet? And that's a very common phrase to come out of my mouth. Instead of that, say, What is your plan for taking care of the horses? Now that takes that takes some pause. It takes me not doing the natural thing. And but it gives you a different result. Now listen to this one, or the dreaded, why, why haven't you done? This is probably even more likely, why haven't you fed the horses already today? And as you've got the tone, and you've got the words that that create a resistance, you know, immediately a vicious cycle probably going between us. So instead of that say, is there anything you need need from me for you to be successful with that plan? So we've talked about what's your plan for feeding the horses? When do you want to do it by and those kinds of things, leaving more of it up to them? But not assuming they haven't done it? Not? Not asking why, which puts people on the defensive immediately. But they're literally like two pages of these, like examples that I think of you spent some time, probably daily for a week, just taking one of those boxes and trying it that day, you're gonna you're gonna have different results right away in your family. So
Roxanne Thayne:I would say that that's worth the cost of the book right there to have that script.
Dr. Tim Thayne:This is amazing. Really. I mean, it's, I love it. And I think Michelle did a lot of work on that Michelle, on our whole team, actually the whole team. So yeah, that would be mine. Okay,
Roxanne Thayne:so my writing prompt, what I picked one that's actually a free printable download from the not by chance.com website, and it's called paper in my pocket. It's an experiment that you can do. And it's really kind of a cute thing. I would go print this out because you're not going to want to cut up your yearbook. But it has, take what you need here. And on the bottom. There's listed different virtues in life. And they're things like love, forgive faith, patience, strength, encourage, hope, honor, believe, listen, those are some of the things that they suggest. And then they said, decide what you want to focus on today as your virtue for the day. I don't know if any of you have ever read the Benjamin Franklin autobiography fabulous, tiny book but man, that guy was so smart. But he would work on different virtues in his life, one per month, I believe it was. And he would rotate those. If we were to take one of these values, these virtues or values, focus on it and decide what how have I been doing on this? How have I been listening lately? I think that we could probably find room for improvement, then they ask that you've cut this out, stick it in your pocket anytime you touch it that day, to just check in and say, How have I been doing on listening today? I know that there's so much information coming at us from so many amazing sources that sometimes we're just overwhelmed. And we don't carry out anything. It's that analysis paralysis. We don't do anything with the great stuff that we have available. But sometimes just a tangible touch in our pocket will help us remember, that is something I wanted to commit to. This is something my family deserves for me. And it'd be a great thing to talk about our family dinner, I would think as well. Sure what,
Dr. Tim Thayne:well, Roxanne, how can I get this book?
Roxanne Thayne:Well, let me just tell you, it is going to be on Amazon. It's not up there yet. It's being printed. Right now, we did a first run, but we're doing our big run now. It will be on Amazon. But it will be a lot more expensive than on not by chance.com, which also has free shipping. So I would say to go there. You can preorder it ships out next week. There's also an ebook available, if that's how you like to consume your media that's there. But I also just want to put in a little plug for anybody who looks at this and decides, wow, I would really love to be a part of something like this. You don't need to be a writer. We have editors that work with you. We actually hand picked some of the people that wrote some people were writers, some people submitted some people we reached out to and said, Can you share that story again, because it was so powerful for us. But you don't have to be a writer, we're here to help you with that. But if you are a photographer, a poet, anybody who has an experience, we would love to draw from you. Because as you read through this book, you're gonna read from our readers, from our team, from our social media followers, we have all kinds of different ways that you can contribute and help build this, not by chance, intentional, living society that we're hoping that we're going to create. We love getting to work with families, we, our family is our greatest joy. And we know it's the same for you as well. And we hope that you will take something, make an investment in your family, leave this on the coffee table for the year, flip through it, take an idea when you need it. And really boost your family's connection this year. I just want to close with one story, we had Tim's parents who needed their home painted. So for Christmas last year, we gave him a paint can with paint brushes sticking out of it. And we knew that Tim's mom who's from the South West Virginia, she'd always wanted a yellow house. And so when we thought of that idea, all the kids were very excited and the grandkids were excited. So we all donated money this year to paint the home. And we went out and you know, it was kind of at the tail and it was at the tail end of our COVID experience. But when we were there, we felt exactly what we hoped it would do. We felt love for one another. We were painting next to each other. We were pulling weeds next to each other. We were emptying old sheds and helping clean things out that his parents are just too old to do now. And they did not stop smiling. His mom and dad were ear to ear smiles the whole time. But the thing that was the best for me was connecting to my nieces and nephews who I normally only see during a party, you know, Thanksgiving dinner and I'm like, Oh hey, how's school going this year. But at this experience, I was up on a ladder peeling paint off of a window and I had this little 12 year old niece who I've adored her but I didn't know her and she says Roxanne that's looking so good. I have a 12 year old cheering me and it feels off. We appreciated the hard work we appreciated the fun, we appreciated the creativity it was just the connection and it's what we've been missing and so we hope this year book will help inspire that for you this year. And that as you listened to the not by chance podcast this season two that you'll continue to feel those great feelings of turning you back to your family and finding reason to connect and to have joy with each other.
Dr. Tim Thayne:I would ask if if you find that these this book has helped inspire you is helped strengthen your family in any kind of way. We'd love to hear about that that's that's kind of what this is all for. We want to be able to push that forward and allow those loud loud the people who are getting those experiences to share those I just noticed here least we got saber Barton here that joined us saber if you're still on there. Thank you so much for saying hi. She's a good friend from high school.
Roxanne Thayne:Oh, she's been there for the fight.
Dr. Tim Thayne:She probably was there at the game and I you know that's a little bit embarrassed. But save read. Great to see you here. Well,
Roxanne Thayne:I just also want to share A couple of people wrote in testimonials for the second year, but they were advanced copies that they received and one was Mike from Arizona. He says I was touched at the importance of families, and inspired to be my best for my family. I found myself just turning the pages to view these photos, and finding peace, comfort, hope and motivation through them. Oh my gosh, Mike, that's exactly what we wanted to have happen. And then Danielle from North Carolina said, The not by chance yearbook is such a gem. I really loved the songs about unity and strength. To me there's nothing more uplifting than music and I intend to consistently play through this playlist when I need a boost. Not only are there helpful life tips, I get music and amazing recipes. So this is our first time we have amazing recipes in our book as well. recipes that help your family connect as you gather around a platter. We're excited about that edition this year.
Dr. Tim Thayne:Well thanks everybody for listening to this podcast or this Facebook Live and we wish you all the best in your families, and especially during this holiday season.