In this week's episode, Dr. Tim Thayne shares his own disruptions of peace. Focusing his attention on co-parenting he gives helpful tips to couples that need help creating peace in the home and sometimes 2 homes. If the principles are applied by both parents more understanding, empathy, and ultimately peace will be harbored.
In this week's episode, Dr. Tim Thayne shares his own disruptions of peace. Focusing his attention on co-parenting he gives helpful tips to couples that need help creating peace in the home and sometimes 2 homes. If the principles are applied by both parents more understanding, empathy, and ultimately peace will be harbored.
Welcome to the not by chance Podcast. I'm Talmage, Dr. Thayne son, and podcast manager. In this week's episode, Dr. Thayne discusses peace, and how to cultivate it, not just in yourself during this time, but also with you and your co parent, as well as the child. So without further ado, let's get into this.
Dr. Tim Thayne:Hello, everybody, I'm excited to be able to talk to you today we are into the month of December now. And what an unique and challenging time What a unique and challenging year this has been, I think for everybody. If we've had a pulse this year, we have had challenges we have had uncertainty, we have probably had our piece taken from us to some extent. And that's what I wanted to talk about. And it's going to evolve this conversation, this podcast is going to evolve a little bit from this greater kind of idea of finding peace to maybe some specific things we can do to have greater peace during the season of the year, where traditionally, it's been about peace, and joy. And that's what I'd like to talk about. I want to start by maybe confessing a little bit that I have. Within the walls, my own home, I've had a relationship with my youngest son lately, that has not been a peaceful relationship, mainly because of all the different factors that have come into play. He was sent home because he'd been exposed for asks, he was sent home from school because he had been exposed to someone who had COVID. And so he came home for two weeks. During that time, a lot of on more online. And it gives me a lot of empathy for all those kids out there who are doing everything online. And their parents for trying to figure out how do they support them right now. So before this, he was he was going to school, most I think it was half the time, virtually the other half was at the school. And then suddenly, he was home full time for two weeks. And just got further and further behind in school. And of course, as that was happening, my frustration was going up. He also started playing more online games during that time. And because I felt bad for him, we let him and of course, we didn't govern it as much as we should have. And that got out of control. And so before I knew it, there were all kinds of things that were points of contention. And, and that tension grew. And of course, that has a way of maybe even creating some tension between parents and that I think, happened a little bit with me and Roxanne, as we had maybe not communicated very well about how we were going to handle those those rules and our expectations for him. Now on top of all that I got COVID And so I had my own health issues going on during that time, and it went through Thanksgiving and and that was a weird experience, by the way, losing sense of smell and taste during the season, you're supposed to be able to smell and taste. And it felt a little weird, you know, we did have our family come home and was wonderful. But I kind of put myself in the corner. And was mostly kind of sequestered during that time not wanting to pass it on anybody. And and so it's just this weird disconnect going on. And, and so I'm trying to come out of that. And what I want to talk about is maybe just a little empathy for so many out there that are, are feeling tension in their relationships, they're feeling a loss of peace. During a time that's supposed to be one where we feel peace and hope. What I've realized for me, that my greatest peace comes as I cultivate my faith in God and His plan. I have to remember that, that that is really what gives me ultimately gives me peace is that faith I have then beyond that there are definitely some things that I can do that will start to cultivate more peace in my life and that comes down to connecting better with those that I love the most and finding ways to serve them. This is the season to do that. And somebody has to start Somebody needs to maybe change the way they're thinking and feeling in order to create something new and different. And shift it from what it is today to what we want it to be during the season. Now, I want to tell, you know, yesterday, it was kind of interesting because Halston was in the best mood. This is my youngest son that I was struggling with. He was kind, he was happy, he was thoughtful. And to be honest with you, Roxanne was skeptical. She's like, she kept looking at me when he wasn't looking and kind of shrugging your shoulders going, what is going on? But instead of worrying about What's he trying to do to, maybe he's trying to get more time on the, the game station or the gaming system. I told her, I said, No, this is real. I think this is real. He's just feeling giving. This is real. And, and we went with that. So instead of thinking the worst, we both decided, we were going to think the right thing that he's he's doing this out of true intent, genuine thoughts of love and kindness towards us. And so we did that. We had a wonderful night last night. And it was because he, he started it, it wasn't even us, the parents, the adults in the room who started it, it was him. And it was, it was awesome to see him do that. Well, I started thinking about, you know, of course, my peace started to return as I've gone to have, as I, you know, accepted that invitation from him, that he wasn't really intending for me to change. He was just on his own doing something different. And I said, it's my turn, I need to step up. And so my peace started returned there. Also, I have tried to, again, cultivate my faith in in God and His plan, and that has helped. What I'd like to do is maybe shift a little bit right now and talk to the parents out there that might have some tension between each other as it relates to co parenting. Now, I especially am thinking about maybe those cases out there where parents have divorced. And co parenting with an axe can be incredibly difficult. Even co parenting with someone that's not an ex spouse, but you don't see eye to eye is also really difficult. But I'm thinking about those who may have divorced because probably because I've had a few phone calls lately, with parents calling into Homeward Bound looking for support for their family, as their teen is about ready to come home. And I've seen two different scenarios just in the last couple days. In one case, parents were not on the same page at all. They they were still actively fighting one another and resisting one another and struggled to get on the phone together to talk about this. The other one this morning was really neat, because this is a divorce situation where the two have had a really rough time they that it was a very high conflict divorce that they've gone through. But what they have done while they're their daughters in wilderness right now, what they've done during that time is impressive. You could tell they were still very tentative about each other. They but But what they did was they literally put the needs of their child first and they seem to be maintaining that focus as they move forward. So instead of having their actions be based on resistance and and trying to maybe be the one to make the decisions, they're they're trying to co parent now, that that's a that's an incredibly challenging thing to do. But it's very, very possible. Over the years, we've seen some incredible turnarounds happen. And as we're in this season of giving, I wanted to tie together this this common challenge that parents have where they're just not seeing eye to eye and may be in high conflict with the season of the year that we're in right now. Now Now is the time that you if you're the one listening to this, and your co parents, not, you are my audience, you're the person that I'm talking to right now. And I'd ask you to think about this season and ask yourself, what kind of gift could you give right now, during the month of December, that would actually be a gift to your ex spouse, to your co parent, that you've been resisting, that you don't want to give. But that would actually make a huge difference to the peace you feel between the two of you to the peace that would could potentially come back into your home. And ultimately, this gift that you'd give to this, this CO parent, is actually a gift that will flow over into being a gift to your child. And let me suggest a couple things. One is to be the first to listen. Now there are a lot of decisions co parents have to make. And when there's a lot of conflict, what they tend to do, is they try to make as many of those without the other parent as they possibly can. Because first of all, they want to make those decisions, they don't trust the other person. But but to do the very opposite of that is actually the way to peace, the way to also to, to some connection that will allow you to co parent together. So imagine yourself having to make a decision or to make some kind of decision. And imagine yourself reaching out to your co parent and saying what do you think about this? And then listen, that might sound incredibly vulnerable to you, depending on the the relationship depending on, you know how far apart you two are right now. But consider taking that action as a gift during this season, to that CO parent. And really genuinely listen. Let that person actually influence the way you think and feel. Be open to what they have to say. And see where that takes you. The thing that that will feel like to this ex spouse, they might be totally skeptical, to be honest with you. And they might say, Oh, what's up just like I was with Halston. It's like, What's What's he trying to do right now? What's he trying to get from me. And if there's a kind of a negative cycle going on between you and your co parent right now, that's likely to happen. But don't worry about that. You go forward with a genuine openness to what this CO parent might say to you. The way that we'll come across is ultimately, as kindness. And by the way, kindness is contagious. Think about again, what happened to me with my son, and my wife as he started being kind, it trickled over and invited us to do the same. And it's contagious. Once you get past the skepticism, people genuinely usually want to return that kindness, maybe with openness of them their own, maybe maybe they become open, and they're willing to listen. And that can create a whole new trend that didn't exist before. Talk about a gift that can change the season, for the better. And so that's my invitation to you today is to you give that gift of listening, of interest of openness, and see where that takes you. And to see if that doesn't actually become one of the greatest gifts of the season that you can give maybe in one of the most difficult places to give that gift. And I hope that you have a wonderful December and holiday season, and that you do feel peace during a time that we all need it. And that you can see this effect the family as a whole. That's my hope for you and thank you so much for listening today. And if you feel to reach out and tell To me how this has affected your family, what you chose to do, and how it actually spilled over into the family dynamic or the the feelings in the home, or between co parents, I would love to hear about it. Those things make my day when I hear those things. And you can email me at Dr. Tim thayne@gmail.com or Tim at homeward bound.com Either one and tell me about it. Or this is going to be posted as well in places where you can comment, and we'd love that also if this has been helpful skirt, subscribe to my podcast and hit that subscribe button and hit the down arrow and get the all so that anytime I do a podcast you'll be notified. And we'd love to continue to have that contact with you. Thank you so much for your time today for listening. And I wish you all the best during this important and wonderful time in the year and hope that this joy can be spread through your family