Douze Points! - The Eurovision Podcast

Glass Crystals, CGI Kangaroos, And A Nepo Baby Walk Into Eurovision - DOUZE NEWS 2026

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Eurovision 2026 just got its faces: Victoria Swarovski and Michael Ostrowski. Two names, one very big stage. Want our take on the risks, the upside and the chemistry check that matters most? Press play, weigh in, and help us predict the vibe of Eurovision 2026. If you enjoyed the breakdown, follow, rate and share with your favourite Eurovision tragic—what’s your read on this hosting duo?

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SPEAKER_01:

Bonjour, good, prevent. Hello, and welcome back to the latest episode of the Deuce Pois Podcast. And look out, this is an episode of Deuce News. We are going straight in for the hot, sexy drama. And what we are looking forward to in 2026, it's been announced! The hosts have been announced. So if you don't want to know who the hosts, stick your fingers in your ears and hum a lot. Otherwise, here we go. And you dirty pieces of trash. I'll let you know which one you are. Or feel free, whichever you identify with, be who you are, identify who you are, just don't identify as Arianda Grande and Cynthia Arevo. That shit is just creepy. On a complete side note, regardless, one of my favorite quotes from the last couple of days, the male online spoke anonymously to an Oscar voter about, ooh, the wicked snub from the Oscar. And the direct quote is that Aria Grande and Cynthia Arevio, quote, creep a lot of people out. But tell me that isn't the most honest and correct statement of the year thus far. But let's repress those terrible memories and make some awesome new ones. We are, of course, talking about Eurovision 2026. Austria has just announced who the hosts are. And I am telling you right here, right now, at midnight our time, because it is so disgustingly hot. And as I was driving home from the thrift store where I went after work looking for cat oil paintings, would you believe they didn't have any? Devastated. But regardless, by the time I left, all the shops were shut except the junk food place. So I just had an extra large Coca-Cola for dinner. So woo! We're podcasting all night, baby. Woo! Now her biographies are going to, it's gonna be one of those LinkedIn waffle fests. The usual thing. She's a singer, she's a model, she's a presenter, she's a businesswoman, she's done it all by herself. Pulled herself off by her bootstraps. There is also the fact that she is the heiress to the multi-billion dollar Austrian company Swarovski. Now, for anyone who doesn't know, and I don't know who would know, maybe other billionaire people in her circles. The Swarovskis basically they make glass diamonds. Now, admittedly, they are very high-quality glass diamonds, but they are still glass, making it a more affordable option for basically everyone else who doesn't own a glass diamond making business, can buy them to pretend that we have shiny, pretty things. The Swarovski company, which she is set to inherit, is go on, have a guess. Have a guess. What do you think a company making glass novelty glass is worth? To be honest, stop bothering. You can't afford it. The current annual revenue, okay, the just yearly revenue is approximately five point one billion that's five point one billion dollars annually. Who is buying that much glass? What's interesting is while I was searching for the value of the company, you know, when you start typing things into the search engine, one of the first questions that came up is Is Swarovski jewellery and crystals a good investment? Computer says no. Okay, this is the crap the internet is trying to tell me. Swarovski jewellery and crystals are generally not considered a good investment in terms of financial appreciation, but they offer value in craftsmanship, design, and brand prestige. So in other words. Look, their stuff is very pretty, but understand as soon as you buy them, they lose value. And if you resell them, basic value is about 30% as soon as you leave the store. When it comes to things like this, and is it worth the price? I always think you have to ask yourself, if the apocalypse started tomorrow, could you trade it for something? Would this get you a bottle of water? Would it get you panatole? I mean a glass swan is pretty, but it's not wiping your bum in the apocalypse. Look, I'm sorry, this did not turn on to the let's complain about Swarovsky. Look, it's pretty, you know, but just just you know, don't don't overspend, is what I'm saying. The family already has way too much money, granny. It doesn't need your paycheck. Now, Victoria's mother was a journalist and her father, yeah, he's uh he's in the company. Now it says that in her childhood she sang in multiple choirs, but at age 17 was actually signed to a record deal with Sony Music. Oh my lord, can anyone say Neppo Baby? Ah, it's unfortunate. Brooklyn Beckham is already married. In November 2010, she actually released One in a Million Again, not copyright correct. Now, it is actually available on Spotify. Now, if you type in one in a million, you've got to actually just put Victoria S because in the beginning, oh no, I'm not a Nebu baby. I'm doing it all by my own father. Just call me Victoria S. Wink. Now, because I am a sucker for pain, I did the hard yards. I went and listened to it so you don't have to. Trust me. Don't bother. Unless you're into a very nasally and a lot of auto tune. Frankly, the only Victoria you should be listening to at the moment, and this goes to all of our listeners outside of the UK who may not be aware of the big controversy that's happening in the spice world with the Beckhams. Although you're listening to a Eurovision podcast, you already know what's happening with the Spice Girls. You're not here because you're straight.

unknown:

Ooh.

SPEAKER_01:

But for everyone outside of the UK, what is happening? The Beckhams, one of their children, Brooklyn, has come out, released about six pages of angry Instagrams about how awful his parents were, with things like claiming they were more interested in the Beckham identity than in his feelings. And he claims that his mother danced inappropriately at their wedding and basically just had a big old sook. And the UK, in the most beautiful way that only the UK can, they decided the appropriate reaction was for the entire country to come together in spite and send Victoria Beckham's song Not Such an Innocent Girl straight to number one, top of the charts, because she is actually, well, she was the only Spice Girl without her own individual number one. Now just to stick it to Brooklyn Beckham, the UK has raised Victoria to the charts where she belongs. Take that Brooklyn look unlike Victoria S. Los. I also listened to another song, Voyeur Voyage. I don't know. I've already put it out of my mind. Lord, I can only hope there's not gonna be a musical number, but you know, ah, there is. Four years later, because Sigin wasn't working out, she tried throwing in a bit of let's bring in a rapper. When that didn't work, what do you do when you're a singer and your career has failed? You of course go on a dancing show. And she won in 2016, the ninth season. Let's dance. Then when she had no more dancing to do, she created her own beauty brand. Ah, to be a billionaire, Nepo, baby, and just follow whatever whim you like. I'm gonna be a singer, I'm gonna be a dancer, I'm gonna be a chef, I'm gonna be a photographer. She got married in 2017, divorced in 2022, and she is now in a relationship with, you guessed it, another billionaire. She is in a relationship with Mark Machitz, who owns 49% of Red Bull. Swakovsky and Red Bull finally coming together. It sounds like the fanciest redneck wedding ever. But billionaires! I'm gonna be honest. If you're a Nepo baby, you have these billions of dollars, your family has billions of dollars. How do you fail in careers? Don't don't you just buy two million of your own single and send yourself straight to the top of the charts? Then just chuck the CDs in the furnace at work and turn them into more shiny, sparkly things. No one will ever know. But she might be a lovely person. Ha ha ha No, she's a billionaire. Remember, we're eating them all. But of course Europe said there is a young, beautiful white woman on stage. Quick! We need an old white guy out here immediately. Never fear Europe. Michael Ostrowski is here. He is a cheeky twenty years older than Victoria. He is an Austrian actor and screenwriter. Now the face did not look familiar, but his biography is telling us that he has been over 40 films since 2002, and he legitimately can be found on IMDB, which is the international movie database. So let's have a look. So he's an actor, screenwriter, funny man. He is going to be the white man equivalent of Petra. Ha! Jokes on you, Eurovision. There is no equivalent of Petra Mead. Now, looking at his actor credentials, obviously it's a lot of Austrian films. I got excited just as I was scanning through. I saw what I thought was Gruber Hans Brutte, and then the picture of like two men hugging. And for a minute I got so excited, and I'm like, nobody told me that there was a prequel to Die Hard, a lighthearted comedy about the true Gruber brothers before they turned to a life of crime. Yippie A mother. Oh, that's not what it is. Damn it! He was in seven episodes of the show How to Sell Drugs Online. In 2022, he's in a movie called The Kangaroo Conspiracy. And I'm like, he's been to Australia to make a movie. Oh my lord, it is him and a kangaroo running from a rainbow. Oh my lord, the kangaroo is CGI and it's talking. When Maria's mum Lizbeth joins a radical rightist movement, Mark Yu and the kangaroo make a bet with Maria. They will yield their apartment to Maria if they don't succeed in bringing Lisbeth to her senses. But Lizbeth is one tough cookie. I love how they say and the kangaroo. Like we're already supposed to know who the kangaroo is. Like we're on first name basis with the kangaroo. 5.8 stars. Let's go to the review. Spreading chaos and asking you the right questions. This installment of the kangaroo stories, there are multiple stories. What has blown me away. It's blowing me away too! It's a spot-on satirical comment on the past years in which the COVID-19 conspiracy nuts ruled many discussions and sowed confusion. Seven out of ten stars. And the review, well, basically it's just the woman talking about how crazy conspiracy and anti-vaxxes are. The third review, however, magic savvy conspirators use bad movies like this to harvest negative energy. One out of ten stars. Oh, the anti-vaxxes have joined the chat. Okay, let's see what Tom has to say. He says, first of all, the talking CGI kangaroo is only a gimmick. It is named Kangaroo and voiced by the author. No explanation is given. It's just there, it doesn't do anything important a human actor couldn't have done. And everybody treats it as if something is entirely normal. Listen to this guy from Europe trying to infer kangaroos don't talk. They talk, my man! Oh my lord, this review is epically long. Well, when I say epic review, it is Dom yelling at a cloud. Accusing the writer of being a 14-year-old pupil. Hey, 14-year-olds have things to say. He accuses it of being a borefist. Oh my lord. And y and you know how there is that long-standing rule of the internet. As soon as you mention Hitler or Nazis, your whole argument loses all validity and you lose. Yeah, he mentions the Nazis. Okay. Uh let's just move on from Tom. Let's see what other movies he's made. He has also been in Help, I shrunk my friends 4.5 stars. Four women and a funeral. Help I shrunk my parents. Anna fucking Mulnar. Deadly Leaks. Oh, here we go again. Help I Shrunk My Teacher. Look who's back. And a movie called Bad Fucking. Oh, I'm sorry. Where's the beep button? And here we go. In 2013, he's made the film Bad. 5.3 stars. As if we're not gonna click on that one. Is it porn? It's Europe. We don't know. Let's have a look. Let's see. What does it say? Bad a satirical portrait of customs and morals telling us the tragic comedy story of residents of bad. A typical Austrian village.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, is that a typical name for a little village in Austria? Is it? Is it you get a lot of little villages, do you? A lot of little villages?

SPEAKER_01:

We learn about once, desires, murders, and misdeeds, which can only lead to the apocalypse. Well, that took a turn. No one was expect I'm looking at the photos. Oh my lord, is that a Nazi? What's with all the damn Nazis? No, it's okay. It's alright. It's not a Nazi. There is one review. Let's have a look. Let's just hope to God it's not Tom. Our reviewer, Horston Translation, has given it four out of ten stars. Not everyone can be a winner, not even in terms of contemporary Austrian film. Ultimately, I found almost nothing memorable about this film. Oh, a little bit disappointed. You mentioned the apocalypse, and I got all excited. Oh. He says, quote, this one here gets a thumbs down from me. Not recommended. And the title is certainly better than the film. Like. Well, there you go. We're learning something very important about Austria today. Austria does not give a f when it comes to holding reviews and critics of little films. Or says the film does not go easy on us. It is pretty graphic, and we even see male genitalia at one point That's right. We said Tom goes on to say, I would not say it was a failure, but it is also not a good film that I'd recommend to anybody I like. Bad news if Tom thinks you're a then you're getting a copy for Christmas. If you still enjoyed the watch, there is a sequel you may want to check out. I, however, was glad it ended after under 90 minutes already.

unknown:

Ooh.

SPEAKER_01:

So here we go. Get ready for Eurovision 2026. A failed Nepo baby. And an old creepy white guy who may or may not get his junk out. It sounds about right for an award show. But do they have any hosting experience? Victoria has been a judge on Let's Dance and Dus Super Talent. And she hosted the 100 Years Disney show. And the bio says Michael is one of Austria's most in-demand actors. Well, not around Tom's place. They say he does, however, regularly work as a presenter, hosting events such as the Nestoy Theatre Prize. And he hosted the 100 Years of Radio for which he received an Austrian TV award. Although, why would you not host the radio awards on the radio, but rather television? But this is Eurovision's official quote on its new hosts. Quote Viktoria Saowski and Michael Ostrowski are two motivated, exciting, and extraordinary personalities who will guide us through the spectacular shows of the Eurovision Song Contest. Our goal is to thrill an international audience from all over the world that is international with a sensational TV experience. Oh, you don't want to host it on the radio? We developed a concept and then searched for the right hosts and we found them. Exclamation point. Victoria Swarovski and Michael Ostrowski are an exciting and unique pair, both with great passion for the contest and two excellent ambassadors for the cause, who will be remembered for a long time with their performances. Well, we'll see what Tom has to say about that. And will there be a kangaroo? And will it be talking? Time will only tell. We will find out on May the twelfth, May the 14th, and the grand final on May the 16th. Lock it in, Deuceheads!

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Elizabeth Allen

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