Citizens of the World: A Stoic Podcast for Curious Travelers

How to be Remembered

• Communication & Mindset Coach Sarah Mikutel

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The Science of Connection: Building Bonds Through Small Acts of Love

In this episode, I share a brief moment with my nephew that opened up a bigger question: How do we create the kind of presence that people remember? 

I explore the science of likability, the concept of “Love 2.0,” and why the smallest gestures – eye contact, laughter, a kind word – have long-lasting emotional and health benefits. This isn’t about being charming or chosen. It’s about how we choose to show up.

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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.

***

Does the phrase “public speaking” make you feel a little sick…even if it’s just a team meeting or a group conversation? 

I made something to help you.

Calm Your Nerves in 90 Seconds is a free anxiety-reduction toolkit with a guided meditation and journal to help you communicate with confidence.

Use it anytime your brain goes into overdrive and you need a reset.

https://sarahmikutel.com/reset


Does the phrase “public speaking” make you feel a little sick…even if it’s just a team meeting or a group conversation? 

I made something to help you.

Calm Your Nerves in 90 Seconds is a free anxiety-reduction toolkit with a guided meditation and journal to help you communicate with confidence.

Use it anytime your brain goes into overdrive and you need a reset.

https://sarahmikutel.com/reset

Speaker 1:

My nearly three-year-old nephew slips his hand in mine as we walk around my parents' front yard. This is the last time he will see me before I get on a plane to go home. My other home, aunt Sarah. I love you, he spontaneously says, and this shocks me. It's like a punch in the gut in a good way. My eyes start to water and I'm thinking I can't believe you even remember who I am. I love you too.

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I say why do you have to live in England? He asks, and I'm still bewildered and basking in the glow of his I love you. And I'm thinking I can't believe you like me this much. I'm not thinking this in a self-loathing way, but more of a curiosity way. Me, you love me. How do you remember me? I have lived so far away for so long. And then he says I want you to live here.

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And so my expat existential crisis deepens. Where should I be? What am I doing with my life? How can I leave this kid? As we walk along the grass hand in hand, I try to come up with an answer that makes sense for him why am I not here? And I eventually say I was living in England way before you were born. I built my life there, and I'm thinking and I still have an important life here, and perhaps another day I will talk more about expat angst and how we forever feel torn between two or more places. Today, though, I'm thinking more about how am I able to have such an incredible bond with my nephew, who is now seven? How are we still so connected, even though I've lived an ocean away his entire life? Yes, we FaceTime frequently. Yes, I come back to the States much more often and for longer periods of time since he's been born. Yes, there's the novelty of Aunt Sarah's visits adding dopamine hits to his daily routine, but mostly, I think it's love, unconditional love, and my overwhelming desire for his happiness and good health, and he radiates this love back. This is going to sound a little random, but stay with me here.

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Growing up, I loved the Simpsons, and this scene with Lisa and Mo has always stuck with me. Mo, listen, lisa, I don't like you and you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey. Lisa, you don't like me, I like you, mo, you do. Then I like you too. End scene. Now, lisa and Mo didn't love each other like family, but that simple exchange which still makes me laugh. It sparked a liking for one another.

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Sometimes increasing your affection for someone can be that easy. You've probably heard or said some version of I thought she hated me, but now we're best friends. How incredible would this world be if we assumed liking and just cut through all those years of misunderstandings and the drama in our heads. Instead of withdrawing from someone we think doesn't like us, what if we just practiced liking them instead? If this sounds too difficult or far-fetched, consider the science and the Stoics.

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Psychologist Mitch Prinstein, who studies popularity, describes two types of popularity One, status, which is based on visibility or influence, and two, likability, and this is rooted in warmth, kindness and emotional generosity. And while status earns attention in the immediate term, it's likability that leads to better friendships, stronger support systems and long-term well-being. So what makes somebody likable? Studies show that people who are warm, attentive, emotionally uplifting these are the people who smile, who show interest, who offer encouragement they are more likely to be liked and included. And these likable gestures don't have to be grand.

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Barbara Fredrickson, an expert in positive psychology, says we should create micro moments of positivity resonance. These are brief, bonding experiences like eye contact, a shared laugh, a short exchange with somebody, and these moments are not just for friends and family. Fredrickson says that we should extend this warmth beyond our inner circle to strangers, acquaintances, colleagues. She calls this love 2.0. And the Stoics had another word for expanding our care beyond our immediate circle, and this word is oikiosis. We're expanding our interest and our care beyond our inner circle and it doesn't take much Wishing someone a good day, saying oh my gosh, I love that book when you see a stranger reading it on the subway, offering to carry a heavy bag.

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To quote Fredrickson from her book Love 2.0, love blossoms virtually anytime two or more people, even strangers, connect over a shared positive emotion. End quote. In these moments, our biochemistry and behaviors start to sync with the other person. She says there's this emotional resonance where your breath, facial muscles, even heartbeats can attune to one another. It's your body's way of saying we're in this together. This is what creates positivity resonance, and it's not just about fleeting emotional boosts. These micro moments have real, lasting effects. They release oxytocin, calm the nervous system and improve vagal tone, which supports everything from heart health to emotional regulation. And over time, these small acts of connection lower stress, deepen relationships and reduce anxiety and depression and reduce anxiety and depression.

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I love this passage from Fredrickson's book Love 2.0. A single gust of wind, after it moves on, hardly alters the shape of a tree. Yet when you find all the trees in a given area leaning decidedly to the west, you can see the lasting effects of the prevailing winds. The new science of positivity resonance tells us that when you make love your prevailing desire, you remake whole domains of your life. You become appreciably and enduringly different and better. You uplift others, helping them become different and better as well. End quote. We can generate love. We don't have to wait to be chosen. We choose how we show up. We choose to love. The effects build over time and they shape us.

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This past weekend I took my nephew indoor swimming at a hotel in Newport, rhode Island, gilded age forever. I love that place and it was a really sunny day, so everybody was outside in the outdoor pool and we had the indoor place all to ourselves. And he says let's sing White Christmas. And he says this because I took him to this place in December and he is remembering us swimming around and singing Christmas carols. And back then he also said let's pretend we're 40 and thinking back to Christmas when we were seven or eight, and I love that.

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Kids are hilarious and they're also profound. So here it is July and we are singing White Christmas Because he remembered that's the effect of the prevailing winds. Small moments of love, again and again, and again, and I love these experiences with my nephew. But love isn't something we save for special people or rare occasions. It's something we create deliberately daily, and this is through laughter, jokes, a kind question or hanging out in the checkout line and making conversation with somebody. Love and likability aren't about being chosen. They're about how we show up, how we choose to be, what we choose to bring into this world, and sometimes the smallest gestures stick with people, shaping how they feel, even from far away, even years later.