#1674 - An Updated “Check-In” For All Of Your Relationships

Navigating the intricate landscape of personal growth can often feel like traversing a complex maze. It requires an honest introspection into the depths of our being, where we confront the personas we adopt in different social settings. The question of authenticity is prevalent, particularly in an age where conformity often seems like the easier path. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros probe into this very problem, seeking to unravel the layers of the self.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level Monthly Meet-up - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

______________________

NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

_______________________

Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
Next Level Monthly Meet-up:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

_______________________

We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

_______________________

Show notes:
(2:43) True self VS Belonging self
(4:06) Amplify or dial down
(5:58) Psychology behind social adaptation
(9:21) The Three Concerns System
(12:21) “The story I’m telling myself is...”
(14:06) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 6 PM. https://www.nextlevelun

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1,673,. Here's why Getting Credit From Other People Matters so Much. Today. For episode number 1,674, an updated check-in for all of your relationships.

Speaker 1 0:25

So we are recording this on Marathon Monday. When we say Marathon Monday, we mean I think today is actually the Boston Marathon, which is Marathon Monday in Massachusetts, but we call every Monday Marathon Monday because that's when we record, hopefully, more than one episode. This week it's only going to be one episode, but Alan and I have a running joke where Mondays are just usually a lot of feedback, a lot of strategy, a lot of deep talks, a lot of learning, a lot of questioning, a lot of daily midlife crises. That kind of happens on Monday and today we had a very deep talk based on some stuff, but what we talked about came from this check-in, this updated check-in that we're going to talk about today. So, alan, I will kick it to you because you came up with it and we'll take it from there.

Speaker 2 1:18

So this was born from just this new layer of the same onion that we all have, what I'm referring to as a true self and a belonging self. The belonging self is the version of you that is unconsciously, when you're around someone else, mirroring and matching that person to be in rapport. If you've ever heard people say you know me and her, or me and him just aren't on the same page or we're just not on the same vibe, we're not on the same wavelength. If you've ever heard sayings like that, that's people trying to articulate you know me and that past friend of mine. We used to be on the same page but we grew apart. We used to be on the same wavelength, we used to pitch and catch really easily, and so we all have two versions of ourselves.

Speaker 2 2:10

We have the true self and then we have the belonging self, and belonging is a very natural thing that all human beings deeply crave. So when you're at a wedding, you find the people naturally we all you know, find the people who we vibe with, find the people who are into what we're into, that kind of thing, and so. But there's a part of us called the belonging part that just starts to pretend to like things a little more than we really do, or maybe dial things down. It's where you dial your true self up or down. Or maybe dial things down. It's where you dial your true self up or down.

Speaker 2 2:45

So if I'm in a room of intellectuals, I can show more of my intellectual part safely and I still belong. If I'm in a room of athletes, I'm amplifying the athlete and maybe hiding a little bit more of the intellectual. And this is all unconscious and everyone does it, Everyone. It's human nature. So don't shame or guilt yourself for this. It's not like you're being inauthentic. I think people say be yourself, and it's actually the hardest thing in the entire world. It takes tremendous courage to do, because all of us are deeply fearful of not belonging.

Speaker 1 3:14

That's really what it comes down to. You're different in every room in some way, shape or form.

Speaker 2 3:19

That's what makes it super hard, and you're actually supposed to be, because if you're in a room of comedians, kev, you're naturally gonna pull out the part of you that's funnier. I don't know about that. I think it's the opposite. Oh, it might be the opposite, because now you're afraid that you're not okay interesting, but you might dial down the part that's uh comedy because you're afraid to okay yeah, most likely whoa, because I don't.

Speaker 1 3:46

Again it's. I don't feel like I belong we. This has kind of been a thing we've been chatting about for a minute. When it comes to martial arts, rapping and being funny in a room of average people, I feel really good, but if you put me in a room of specialists who are really good at that, I'm probably not, as I'm definitely not as good as the really good people there, right?

Speaker 2 4:06

so in order to create a sense of belonging.

Speaker 1 4:10

You'd be fearful I wouldn't feel like I belonged because they're all right, got it I, I, yeah. I don't deserve to belong with them because they've been. They're professionals at this.

Speaker 2 4:21

This is what they do and then your response to that would be to maybe not want to be uncomfortable in that room.

Speaker 1 4:28

Mine is usually I shell up, shell up, okay yeah.

Speaker 2 4:31

Shell up. So everyone picture themselves in a social situation where you're at a barbecue, now picture yourself at the beach, now picture yourself in the gym. Now picture yourself at yoga. Now picture yourself with your intimate partner if you have one or a past intimate partner. Now picture yourself at the bar while drinking. Now picture yourself. These are all unique versions of ourselves.

Speaker 2 4:55

We are amplifying and dialing down different parts of ourselves in order to belong. And the reason why is because, from a tribal perspective, way, way, way back through evolution, our brain processes social danger as the same as physical danger. Because in the past, if you were ostracized from the tribe, you would essentially be on your own, and if you were on your own, you'd most likely die way back, way back. And the neuroscience shows that physical pain and physical danger is processed by the same part of the brain that social danger and social pain is. So one of our deepest pains, deepest fears, deepest concerns in life is are we going to belong? So what do we do? We parts and and dial down parts, and I'm so. I've been sort of talking about the belonging version of you and the true self version, and that's where this came up.

Speaker 2 5:53

After next level live, I grew a lot. I learned a lot. It was a very challenging chapter in many regards and I uncovered a lot of my true self, not only with therapy, but through the experience of trying to lead. Through all that and then meeting people and all kinds of cool stuff and as I grow and evolve, every relationship in my life has to grow and evolve too, or I have to manufacture belonging and I finally decided I want to break the cycle. I want to never do that again. I want to try to create as authentic a relationship as possible with everyone.

Speaker 2 6:30

Because at Next Level Live we were at an Airbnb together and it was awesome. It was Kev, jerrianne, amy, brandon, emilia, myself, and it was the first time I'd ever met Jerrianne in person, by the way, shout out to you, jerrianne, but in person is a little different than virtual. We all know that. And then Next Level Live we had a bunch of people come, people I hadn't seen in years, some people I had never met before. It was a whole thing. And then, after the event, there's this emotional hangover. And during my emotional hangover I realized holy crap, I'm a lot different than I used to be. I'm also a lot different than I thought I was in this whole thing.

Speaker 2 7:08

So Emilia and I talked and I had this idea for something called the three fears, and she thinks the three concerns is a better label. She thinks fear is more triggering for people, and I agree, and so what I've started doing to break the cycle, instead of manufacturing a relationship that isn't authentic, what I've tried to do is create this system where it's a check. So everyone right now, think of a relationship in your life that you know you've been a little bit inauthentic in. You've been pretending to like something a little more than you really do, or you've been pretending to be a little less than you really are in a certain regard, any time where you want to say something that you really believe or think or feel, and then you don't. That's a mini version of you trying to belong and fit in. Maybe it's not worth it Concern.

Speaker 2 7:57

So this system is called the three concerns, and so I did this with Kev earlier today and I've done this with every team member ever since Next Level Live, every team member that was involved at Next Level Live and I just wrote three bullets, three bullets of things, and I told Kevin this earlier today. I said let's do this, but I want you to know that these are just concerns. I'm not certain about these. I'm not. These aren't facts, these aren't. I want this to be. This is the story I'm telling myself, this is the concern I have, but that doesn't mean we have to change it. That doesn't mean anything has to be done. I just want to get it out there so it doesn't fester. And so I just literally read them. I had written in my dreamliner, a couple days ago, three concerns that I wanted to bring up, and I wanted it to be centered, and I wanted it to be truth pebbles, not truth cannons. I wanted it to be just concerns. I didn't want it to be anything frustrating or angry or not centered.

Speaker 2 8:55

Because that's what happens we suppress, we suppress, we suppress, and then there's a volcano and then we destroy our relationships, when the whole reason we were trying to belong in the first place is because we care. Someone trying to create belonging is actually trying to have a relationship with you out of yes, sometimes fear of not being able to be of value in that relationship, or all of us are either too much or too little. We're dialing up or down according. You know you can talk about your successes, but not too much. You can talk about your struggles, but not too much. It's like this whole thing, and so the very thing that you're afraid of ends up perpetuating. You're fearful of losing the relationship I certainly am and so you suppress a little bit about who you really are.

Speaker 2 9:44

You manufacture temporary belonging and then, long-term, you can't sustain that, because none of us can sustain not being who we really are, and I've been so guilty of this in past relationships, past friendships, past intimate relationships, and on top of that, we also grow more and more and more and more, hopefully, into who we really are.

Speaker 2 10:00

And then we go oh crap, yeah, I never really liked that as much as I thought or told myself a story that I did. So I brought up the three concerns, I read them verbatim and I said it doesn't mean we have to do anything about them, but let's just get them out there, and then hopefully you can give me yours and he gave me a few as well and let's just clear the air out. Now you can either say, okay, that's actually not a big deal, turns out, I was off about boop, boop, boop or okay, what are we going to do about that? Is there anything we can do about it? Is there anything we even want to do about it? Do we want to agree to disagree? Do we want to go our separate ways? Do we want to realign? And all of those are now opportunities, but it creates an opportunity for an authentic, true self-relationship that is actually sustainable.

Speaker 1 10:57

You use the phrase that I haven't heard. Well, you said it today. But the story I'm telling myself that's something we used to say all the time the story I'm telling myself, the story I'm telling myself, and that makes it. It makes it not an attack. It's not, hey. I was thinking of this the other day and I want to address three things you're doing wrong, or three things that you're not doing. Well, it's more to your point, Alan, because the first thing I said was what do we do? What do you want me to do? What do we do? And he said well, there's not necessarily we don't have to do anything, it's just we'll get it out there, we'll talk about it, we'll see what lands, we'll see what changes and we'll see what transformation comes from it. And I'm just not I'm not great at giving feedback. So I think something like this creates the opportunity, just like a check-in. What does a check-in do? A check-in creates a proactive place in your calendar where you know, oh boy, we might talk about some uncomfortable stuff, and that's kind of what mondays for you and I have been Definitely Mondays are.

Speaker 1 11:54

Usually we check in on Alan and I, and myself and Alan. And how are we doing? We check in on the business How's the team doing, How's everything going? How is the bank account doing? Everything, How's the business doing? But that's why Mondays can be very draining. Today is a really good example. We literally got we got some stuff done for group coaching and we'll get this episode done. Other than that, we didn't get a lot of concrete. If you said, produce all of the stuff that you accomplished today, it wouldn't be a massive amount, but we did a lot of internal stuff for sure, but that that's not necessarily the stuff that shows up on the scoreboard for lack of.

Speaker 2 12:33

Not immediately, but from here on out there will be so many breakthroughs.

Speaker 2 12:39

Yeah, for sure and positive changes. I don't think you can grow without feedback. I don't think you can improve without feedback. I when we listen to this show and we realize the audio quality is a little different than what we'd hoped. Or you give a speech and you realize, oh okay, so I still say um a lot. I said you know earlier. I said you know, and that's one of my big fillers. It was um at first. Then it was like I say like and you know a lot. You know is my big one. But the only way to really improve that is to get the feedback. It's to listen. Listening to your own content is really hard. It's not enjoyable, I would say's. I don't know if I've ever really enjoyed it that much. Maybe you have, I don't know.

Speaker 1 13:37

More now than ever. It's not. In the beginning it was. Yeah, it was brutal, but going back and listening to old stuff sucks. But if I listened to the episode we did yesterday, it's not that different than the episode we did today.

Speaker 2 13:48

You posted recently a clip from way back. Yeah yeah, it was whoa Right, kev, you were screaming, you were fired up 2000,.

Speaker 1 14:05

right 2018? 2019, latest.

Speaker 2 14:07

Can you describe for our listeners what that felt like to hear you be that way?

Speaker 1 14:17

Embarrassing, I think is probably the best word. Yeah, embarrassing, not ashamed, because I wasn't saying anything negative, it was just yeah, mostly embarrassing. Slash proud of how much we've evolved? Yeah, which one's first Embarrassing? Yeah, which one's first.

Speaker 2 14:34

Embarrassing, yeah, yeah, embarrassing. I don't think you can have the second one without the first one.

Speaker 1 14:42

You need contrast. All feedback is is a measurement of presence. All feedback is saying is this is actually where you are. I know you want to think you're here, but this is actually where you are. There was a Alan and I were in the gym one time this was back in the day again, 2018, 2019.

Speaker 1 15:03

And Alan was talking about a six minute mile. We were talking about a six minute mile and we were in very good shape bodybuilders we to lift weight and I said that's, I mean I could do a six minute mile. That couldn't be that hard. And he's like dude, a six minute mile. I was like that's serious. And I said I can't be that hard man. A six minute mile, that can't be that big of a deal. And he said let's go to the track and do it.

Speaker 1 15:26

And we didn't have much to do. So we did. We went to the track and we tried to run a six minute mile and I was. I think I was like three quarters of a lap from being done and I was and I just fell on the ground. I was like there's no way, man, I can't, I can't do it. All that did for me was prove to me that where I was was not where I thought I was, and this is why it's so dangerous. This is why it's really easy to get an ego, or it's really easy to get arrogant when you don't do anything. Because if Alan and I said that, or if I said that to Alan that day and I said, dude, I could do a six minute mile for sure, and he said, dude, it's harder than you think. And I said, nah, I could, I could definitely do it, and we don't go do it. I might think I can do it.

Speaker 2 16:09

And then the next conversation. Okay, what would that do to you? Though this is, it would make me delusional. Make me delusional. Which? Why is that bad?

Speaker 1 16:17

That's what I really want to, because I think you then kid yourself into never having to do the thing because in your mind you can. I don't. As a human, I don't know if you really desire to do it, because you've already deluded yourself into thinking you could and there's no reason to do it, and then you'll devalue other people who do do it yeah, that's fair, and you may never have the opportunity to do it, one of the one of the best parts about again.

Speaker 1 16:50

I know I've been talking about grappling a lot when I watch fights I have such a new, uh, a newfound appreciation for it because I know what it's like to be in that position and I I'll never say, well, why don't you? Just, don't just get up, it's not that easy. That's why. Because it's not that easy, or why didn't when you're watching football, why didn't they? They make that catch. Because it's not easy, because it's not easy. I I've joked on other podcasts. I joke that my, my grandmother, who is in her early 90s, I believe she'll be watching the red socks and she'll say I can't believe that guy struck out and it's like mima, I used to play baseball and I never played it nearly this level. I understand why Because it was a 95 mile an hour fastball. Do you know what that is? That's fast, that's fast.

Speaker 2 17:40

But if you've never experienced it, have you ever tried to hit a 95 mile an hour fastball?

Speaker 1 17:44

No, no, no, no. Never that fast. No, maybe 80. It's brutal. It's brutal. Now again, I'm not saying my grandmother is arrogant with that. I don't think that's a great example, but if you think about it, she'll never have the opportunity to stand in front of a 95 mile an hour fastball, so she'll never really know what that's like. Yeah, there's no perspective, and she'll never get that feedback which then creates perspective ultimately.

Speaker 2 18:08

I've tried to hold the belief and I know we gotta jump. I've tried to hold the belief that everything at a professional level is harder than I can imagine it's. But here's the problem. If you say that you'll stay humble but you might not try to get there, isn't that such a conundrum? It's. I remember I heard Tom Brady one time say my greatest gift was that I was naive. I just thought I could do it, even though I was terrible. It handed up long-term compound effect actually being able to. But there is something to be said for you need to believe you can do it long-term. You just can't believe you're already there. It's that duality. You need both. I've do it. Long term, you just can't believe you're already there. It's that duality, you need both. I've been so guilty of that.

Speaker 2 18:57

The marathon was so humbling, but I'm not kidding. A half marathon was genuinely easy. I could do a half marathon tonight pretty easily and I've done it. I've done it. The full marathon was awful. It was so exponentially harder than I could have imagined, but I just never done it. So you either are going to get humble pie or you're going to get confidence, and you need to seek both, because if you're overconfident, you'll get humble pie. If you're overly self-doubting, you're going to get confident. And the only way to get perspective is action. Yeah, even right right now, it's no matter what you do, when you're out there, you get so much feedback.

Speaker 2 19:42

I remember at thanksgiving I, I, we got it catered from wegmans and I was kitchen. I was in the kitchen the whole time and it was just, it was just heating it up. I didn't cook anything, I just had to heat it all up. Now I don't have years and years and years of skills in this area and if I wanted to get good at cooking, I do believe long term that I could. But I'm not good at cooking by any means and I've never really practiced other than like eggs and hash. Back in the day it was very like whoa, this is a different game than I thought.

Speaker 2 20:15

People are trying to talk to you. You got people coming in here. Can we have a tour of the house? I'm trying not to burn everything, so no, not really. How was your drive Good, awesome? I got to focus and again, that's just talk about perspective. I had a new appreciation for anyone who handled the whole kitchen and made it look easy. Everything is harder than you think. I'm convinced. In the short term I actually think it's easier than people think long term. That's a weird thing. I think people are more capable than they think long term. I think they are less capable than they think short term typically. But again, some people are actually more capable short term than they think. Like you were speaking, you were more capable of a speaker than you thought.

Speaker 1 20:59

Yeah, but I did practice a lot because I was so afraid I wasn't.

Speaker 1 21:05

Yeah, that would be my next level. Nugget is what you do with feedback is so much more important than the feedback you get. Yeah, getting feedback allows you to get good at getting feedback eventually. It just takes time Giving feedback and again, I'm not good at this. This is something I'm trying to practice more. But I think giving feedback gets easier as you do it, when the people you give feedback to prove to you that they want the feedback, when it's a positive experience, it's easier to do on both ends, like today, when you said, hey, I have the three things, I was like all right, let's go, let's do it, let's do it. And again, it didn't feel the best in the moment, but after I said, thank you, I appreciate it, let me take what I let me, let me take what I can from this and let me take the lessons. But if that happened five years ago, it would have been so much harder. Yeah, that would have been. That would have broken me five years ago for sure. But we've done it.

Speaker 2 22:05

Five years ago, I wouldn't have been able to share it. That's the other piece too, so it's like as I've grown in my ability to actually give feedback. You've also had to grow in your ability to handle feedback, and vice versa as well.

Speaker 1 22:17

That would be my next level nugget. What is your next level lesson, sir my?

Speaker 2 22:19

next level lesson would be number one. It's to your point. You're going to get feedback either from life or from other people in your life. Number one you can't assume their feedback is accurate. It's only accurate from their angle, from their perspective, so you have to take it in as data. I told Kev I want the data.

Speaker 2 22:49

What Taryn thought of Next Level Live is one data point. What you thought is another data point. What Amy Lenius thought is another data point. What Emilia thought was another data point. I want to see all the data points so that I can get as close to the truth as possible and the reason why underneath that is so that I can make good choices, because one person thinks it's amazing, great work, it's so good, and someone else is like, wow, this really sucked, so I kind of need to get, and both of them are probably inaccurate. It was probably amazing in some areas and sucky and others, and so you got to collect a lot of data points. That's what all these tech companies are doing. They're collecting a ton of data and then they're trying to why? Because you can't make a good decision without, without the data, and so every piece of feedback you get is just a data point. It doesn't mean anything about you until you decide what to do with it.

Speaker 1 23:39

It's an opportunity. It's just sometimes some opportunities are harder to realize than others Because you can do something with it. You can do something different with it. Again, easier said than done, right, there's moments where I get feedback and I'm triggered and I don't want the feedback and I don't like it. But if you sit with it, hopefully you can do something constructive with it. I believe you can if you do it. If you have not yet joined Next Level Nation and you are looking for a group of like-minded people who are into growth, next Level Nation is the place You're safe to be yourself. Talking about belonging at the beginning of the episode you will belong because we want everybody to feel safe being themselves. To Alan's point, it's very hard to be authentic, it's very hard to be yourself, but that is why we created Next Level Nation. So link will be in the show notes to our private Facebook group. We would love to have you if you are interested.

Speaker 2 24:29

When you're in a room of people, a group of people, that the whole goal is to try to have the courage to be who you really are. It's easier to do and then, once you learn who you really are through that social setting where other people are doing it too, it's harder to go back to rooms where you're not your true self. So it really will transform your life. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. That said, kevin does podcast coaching. I do business coaching. If you've ever thought about starting a podcast, reach out to Kevin. The first podcast breakthrough session is free.

Speaker 2 25:01

If you've ever thought about starting a business, some business owners want to start a podcast. Some podcasters want to start a business. Reach out to me for business. Reach out to Kevin for podcasting. The first one is free. The last thing you want to do is go this road alone, because it is an uphill climb. It's a whole thing, and just having a guide will help you tremendously. If you're going to climb a mountain, you're much better off with a guide. Reach out the first one's free, no strings attached.

Speaker 1 25:29

Alan, I wanted to do an episode tomorrow. I haven't talked to you about this, but I want to do an episode on, uh, judgment versus observation. Are you cool with that? Of course, all right, that's what we're going to do for tomorrow, for episode number 1,675. We'll talk about the difference between judgment and observation. I know a lot of people say don't judge a book by its cover and don't judge people, and I agree with that. But I think there can be intention behind judgment and intention behind observation. You can kind of get to a similar place, hopefully in a positive way. So we'll talk about that tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and LU, we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2 26:05

Have the courage to be your true self. Next level nation.