#1682 - What’s “Vulnerable” For You Isn't Vulnerable For Everyone

In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore the complex concept of vulnerability. This dialogue allows listeners to contemplate the fundamental aspects of humanity and the courage it necessitates to be open and authentic. As they analyze the nature of vulnerability, it becomes apparent that it varies significantly from one person to another. What might be a straightforward sharing for one can be a formidable task for another, accentuating the subjective nature of our emotional thresholds.

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

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Show notes:
(2:23) Divergent vulnerabilities
(4:51) What are you afraid of?
(9:40) Complexities of sharing
(12:17) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
(13:23) Integrity or insecurity
(16:50) Se

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your will. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode. Episode number 1,681 is being Truthful Arrogant Today. For episode number 1,682, what's Vulnerable for you Isn't Vulnerable for Everyone.

Speaker 1 0:24

Again, alan and I have been working together for a long time and we have realized how similar we are in some regards but very different in others. And over the thousands of episodes and group coaching and team trainings and all that stuff, we've gotten to the point where we understand that the episodes that are super easy for me oftentimes are harder for Alan and the episodes that are harder for me are usually easier for Alan. And the reason behind it is what's vulnerable to me is not necessarily what's vulnerable to Alan, and vice versa. So one of the things that we've been a little bit nervous of, for lack of better phrasing and we kind of preface this is that we're trying to figure out who we are. A lot has changed in the last seven years, but in those seven years a lot has changed in the last six months because there's so much going on, just like for each and every one of you out there. Maybe you got a new job, maybe your relationship took a different step. Maybe you got a new pet, maybe you moved. Maybe you're closer to a family member, maybe you're more distant. Whatever it is, maybe you learned, you read a book that changed your life because it makes you look at yourself a little bit differently.

Speaker 1 1:37

Alan and I have a lot of that going on, but then it's when I change, alan changes, and when Alan grows, I grow and it's this weird, wonky thing. But what we've learned is what is vulnerable for Alan is usually something that it might not be defined as vulnerable for someone else. When Alan talks about exercising every day, for however long, that's vulnerable. Where for me, talking about the super deep stuff, the stuff I'm insecure about, that type of stuff, that isn't really that vulnerable for me because I've done it so many times and when I'm on other podcasts, that's what people want to talk about, so I'm all for it. So here's the the early, early, next level nugget slash lesson. Figuring out what is vulnerable to you is going to save you a ton of hopefully regret. The things that I, the things that we're vulnerable about, vulnerable about my goodness are also it is a tough word.

Speaker 2 2:47

It is a tough word, yeah Honestly vulnerable, Especially if you stack one after it.

Speaker 1 2:52

The things that we are most vulnerable about are also the things that are the most challenging to communicate, that you shut down when you're sharing something vulnerable. You ego up when you're sharing something vulnerable. So, yeah, that's really my goal in this episode is just to talk openly about that because, from a place of awareness, if you know what vulnerability actually means to you, then you know why you get triggered when you're going down that path. For lack of a better phrasing.

Speaker 2 3:20

Earlier today, emilia and I recorded a Conscious Couples podcast episode about. The title of the episode was Are you Overswinging from Clingy to Avoidant? And the idea was these two psychological terms that I had never heard before. One is called hyper-individualism, which is this over-independ over independence, never share a bank account, never live together, never take the same car. Overly independent, not a real relationship extreme. And then the other one is complete what's called enmeshment. It's the clinical term and enmeshment e n. I don't know how to spell it. Enmeshment spell probably just like it sounds, but enmeshment is overly clingy, overly needy. Can't go to the gym alone, need your partner there for a safety blanket type of thing. So these are obviously two extremes and the whole episode was don't overdo one and then get pain and then go to the other.

Speaker 2 4:20

In the middle of the episode there was something that was really vulnerable for Emilia, but this is the interesting thing. And to the point of the episode, there was something that was really vulnerable for Emilia. But this is the interesting thing and to the point of this episode, what's vulnerable for her is not usually vulnerable for other people. What's vulnerable for Emilia is showing how amazing she is. So I highlighted something that I believe is amazing. And I told the listeners on the Conscious Couple podcast. I said hey, we did an RT event on these terms. I didn't hear these terms ever. I never knew these terms until last thursday, right, and I'm mr smarty pants, so you know how come you don't know these terms. Because I never studied anything relationship oriented until I was 30 years old. And I said so, sweetheart, and I knew she would be really scared to share this. I said so when did you first hear these terms? And she gets all red and cute and she's like when I was 13. And so I always tell people I said my relationship's amazing because of her more than me. The reason I say that is because I didn't study it. I studied business and I studied engineering and I studied science and I studied math and I studied physiology and physics and chemistry and all the different sciences, but I never studied intimate relationships at all. And she's been studying this stuff the inner work, the psychology, the relational stuff her whole life, literally since she was 13 years old. And I knew it would be a young number, I didn't know it would be 13. But the thing is is that was vulnerable for her to share, that she had been studying that since she was 13 because she's kind of found out. She's found out in her nerd. She's such a nerd, she's like a behind the scenes study, everything nerd that I adore.

Speaker 2 5:59

But it's scary to be a nerd because you're bullied and you made, you're made fun of and you know you're reading leonardo da vinci on a thursday night and you get. You know you're not normal, you're just weird and and weirdos get made fun of. So there's that and I'm sitting there saying I didn't hear about these terms until last thursday and I'm. That's not vulnerable at all. Yeah, for someone who actually doesn't feel bright or doesn't feel intelligent or feels like they never study, they would probably be scared to share that they didn't know something. I'm not scared to share when I don't know something. I could care less. I'm scared when I share what I know because I know that. I know that, I know that I know a lot of stuff and it's you're always scared to be more than or less than all of us are and we tend to be on one end or the other, and there there are some areas where I'm scared to be less than, but most of the time it's scared to be more than.

Speaker 2 6:47

And so I think that if you were to really break this idea of vulnerability down, it comes down to what are you afraid of? And it never made sense to me when people would say you're so vulnerable. It's so vulnerable that you share, that you're insecure about your calves and that you have these tall giraffe legs and that you're bad at XYZ. But no, no, no, that's not vulnerable for me. I don't really care about being less than. That's not a problem. If I wanted to improve my legs, I just would. What is vulnerable is sharing the compound effect of what I intend to be at 60, 70 years old and that kind of stuff. And so we're all scared to be different. Maybe you're scared to be less than, maybe you're scared to be more than, but vulnerability is predicated on what you're scared of. And if you are scared, I think you're better off just owning it and then having the courage to be yourself and be vulnerable. But remember, what's vulnerable for one person is not necessarily vulnerable for someone else.

Speaker 1 7:53

And that makes it really hard too, because it's very easy to lessen someone else's courage Again. That's why I kind of started off with. Alan and I are very different but we've learned about each other over all these episodes because I could very easily say I could very easily minimize Alan's courage in vulnerability if I don't understand how vulnerable it is for him to share that.

Speaker 2 8:17

I feel like that did happen in my life.

Speaker 1 8:19

I believe that I'm sure I probably did in the past. It wouldn't surprise me. How would you even know?

Speaker 2 8:25

That's the thing is. You can In your head. It must be so nice to be so, whatever Right right.

Speaker 1 8:30

I think we all probably assume again, I don't want to speak for everyone. I know I've had bouts where I assumed what was vulnerable for me is vulnerable for other people. We've talked about how I shared about my overcoming a porn addiction on a podcast and I, for me, it was like I don't, it's not that big of a deal.

Speaker 2 8:51

That was super vulnerable from my perspective.

Speaker 1 8:53

Right. Right, and I think it probably is from many perspectives, but there's also so many layers under it of one. I believe it's more useful to share than it is to hold. I don't think I'll get a lot of people that reach out and say, oh, my goodness, you're so weak for being addicted to porn. It's like, okay, well, maybe that wasn't your experience. Plus, the other side of it is there is a high number of people that are addicted to porn. So in my mind, it was more worth it. It was more worth it because I think, if a certain amount of people are ready to look in the mirror, they'd say oh wow, I resonate with that, but when you shared it, you had already overcome it.

Speaker 2 9:36

And so this is the interesting thing about sharing and vulnerability is vulnerability is predicated on insecurity. So you aren't insecure about your porn addiction, but you're also not addicted to porn anymore at all, I don't know.

Speaker 1 9:49

Well, I wouldn't say that I still have pings, I still have pulls.

Speaker 2 9:53

Yeah, but you don't use it.

Speaker 1 9:54

No, no no, no, but I don't know if it's Sorry, I thought you were grilling you.

Speaker 2 9:59

No, no, you're good In the last. When was the last?

Speaker 1 10:01

you know, I'm kidding, I don't know what for you, like the alcohol pull, is.

Speaker 2 10:14

But it's not like I don't ever, ever think about it.

Speaker 1 10:15

It's not like it's gone forever. I still get I don't think it will ever will be gone forever, right? I still get like, oh, that would be nice, it's just lessons.

Speaker 2 10:19

Yeah, yeah it's there, it'll always be there, but it just gets it's just not in control.

Speaker 1 10:22

It has less control over you it's not but if you.

Speaker 2 10:24

But my point of that was if you were still feeling outside of control, wouldn't it be more vulnerable to share?

Speaker 1 10:34

Yeah, I probably wouldn't have shared it at all. Right, exactly, we have that. It's not our quote, I don't remember who it was, but share scars, not open wounds.

Speaker 1 10:47

Sharing a scar is this is something that I've overcome or I'm on the other side of the worst of it? I'm on the other side of the worst of it. I'm on the other side of the worst of it. We would never talk about money early on because we weren't making any money. Yeah, Because it wouldn't. It would have been very vulnerable for me specifically to talk about money when, number one, I didn't know much about money and, number two, I didn't have money. Who am I to talk about making money to someone when I can't figure out how to make money for myself? That would be very vulnerable to have a conversation about.

Speaker 2 11:27

But isn't that more of an integrity thing, or was that more an insecurity thing?

Speaker 1 11:31

Because I think some of that is leading by example. Yeah, yeah, but I'm just as an example. It's like when you're going through it, when you're in the middle of it, I think it's very vulnerable to share. But okay, now I'm happy to talk about how broke I was at the time.

Speaker 1 11:46

I wasn't, yay I didn't want to talk about it then because it was too real, it was too. It was just too real, it was too personal, it was too much of reality. Where now, when someone says, is anything off limits, it's like, no, nothing's off limits, I'll talk about whatever.

Speaker 2 12:04

Yeah, but.

Speaker 1 12:04

I also trust myself enough if I come up to the red line to know, okay, I don't really want to talk, I don't want to go super deep into that, so I'll just stop myself.

Speaker 2 12:14

Well, how did you figure out where that red line was? For me, I figured it out by crossing it. Well, that's, that's been really hard for me, that's how you you learn.

Speaker 1 12:21

I think I don't, I don't, I don't know. I think I've been blessed where I've gotten to learn from your mistakes just as much as you've gotten to learn from your mistakes.

Speaker 2 12:28

Well, I think your risk tolerance is lower. So by the time I'm triggered, I'm already triggered and telling the stuff and talking about it. It's been so, Because when something's raw, you don't always know until you're in it. And then you're like oh no, I've gone too far. Now I'm talking about stuff with my stepdad that I haven't fully figured out.

Speaker 2 12:52

And then you backpedal but then it's like, well, it's worth it. So it's been one thing I'll share with everyone who. For anyone out there who does want to start a personal brand or a podcast or or your own business, it is particularly. I youtubed my name earlier. I typed in alan lazarus and I just wanted to see, and I scrolled down and I just had that moment of wow. There's years and years and years. I've been on 284 other podcasts and then you and I have 17, almost 1700, and those are on the internet. Yeah, anyone can search any one of them at any time. Who, as long as you have an internet connection and a device that can Do video and audio.

Speaker 1 13:33

That's really you want to talk about vulnerable.

Speaker 2 13:38

I mean, you and I have watched clips from us way back and that's not the version of Kev that you're proud of. So this is 3.4. I'm a computer engineer and I'm leaning into that. So this is version 3.4 of Kevin Palmieri, and 3.5 is going to have upgrades Upgrades in belief systems, upgrades in things he does and doesn't say, upgrades in things that he thinks, upgrades in things that he feels learning how to construct his emotions be mature movies he no longer watches or does watch people he no longer references. Dude, I used to reference people that I would never reference now yeah yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 2 14:18

I used to quote people. I will never quote those people again. Some of those people are awful human and I just feel I wish I hadn't quoted them. I do because I was so naive to how, how much I don't. It's not okay with me to be like. One extreme example would be would be the Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan Belfort. I will never quote that man again. It's over. Like not that I used to quote him often, it's just. It's just one of those extreme examples of listen. At the end of the day, you have standards. All of us have standards For the type of man that I aspire to be, to Emilia, to you in general.

Speaker 2 15:04

I can't quote people that are just awful human beings and, at the end of the day, anyone can turn around. So I'm not saying that his future isn't potentially. Here's my point, and this is vulnerable to share. It's like, okay, you want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but if you do that, you're also having no standards. It's this constant thing. Like I'm getting red right now even talking about this stuff, because the truth is I don't ever want to read his books. I never want to listen to another one of his things.

Speaker 2 15:36

I will never quote him again. That is my truth. Why? Because regardless of how much he's turned himself around, it's not okay the way that he stole from people and I just can't be a part of that. So, at the end of the day, right now I'm demonstrating vulnerability and I'm fumbling through my own trigger. I just got triggered during this episode and I'm fumbling through it and that takes so much courage to admit it and just own it and just sit in it and hopefully all of you can do this. Just do it in a safe space. Don't do it, uh, don't do it.

Speaker 1 16:14

Don't do it on a podcast.

Speaker 2 16:15

Safe space yeah, and unless you've practiced to the point where you can do that and that just takes time and time and time and time and time.

Speaker 1 16:25

But just make sure you understand what it's like closest to home with the people around you. What are the people that I had a thought recently? I was thinking of somebody from my past and I was thinking of the fact that I've never seen them cry ever. I've never seen them cry in all my years of knowing them. I've seen you cry dozens of times, not hundreds, but dozens. You've seen me cry. I don years of knowing them. I've seen you cry dozens of times, not hundreds, but dozens. You've seen me cry. I don't know dozens, probably I'd say At least a dozen.

Speaker 1 16:57

It's not really that vulnerable. It's still vulnerable for me to cry in front of you, for sure, but not as vulnerable as it used to be and not as vulnerable as it would be for me in front of other people. So there's levels to this. Somebody sharing their coming to you and sharing how challenging their relationship is right now might not be that vulnerable to them, but them crying in front of you might be. It's weird.

Speaker 1 17:26

If you think back, that would be my next level nugget for this episode. Think back to the courage that people had sharing certain things with you. But maybe the struggle that they had to share other things and look at it from this perspective Maybe what they were sharing didn't require as much courage as you think. Maybe it required more. Who knows? It depends on what vulnerability meant to them Ultimately, not necessarily what your digestion of what you thought it was meant. It's just it's personal. Vulnerability is personal, just like everything else. So that would be my next level nugget Take a look back and see if anything, if anything, comes through. That was one for me. That was one for me. I've had people share where they're struggling so bad in all things finance, fitness, relationships, just life in general, dream chasing but I've never seen them cry, but they've aired out everything, all the things, but I've never seen a single tear shed. So that's the line of vulnerability for them currently. Just a thought.

Speaker 2 18:32

My next level lesson would be vulnerability is uncomfortable and if it's not uncomfortable, it's probably not vulnerability and there's something to learn in it. When you get uncomfortable, like I did on this episode, I'm back in my comfort zone right now. You can feel it, you can hear it in my voice. I'm back in my comfort zone. I was out of my comfort zone for a minute there. That means there's something to learn about me. I'm already thinking what does that mean? Does that mean that I'm scared to say I'm a better man than him? Mean, does that mean that I'm scared to say I'm a better man than him, even though I do actually believe that? Does that mean I'm scared to be judged for that? Does that mean I'm scared to? There's just something to learn. So so it's not about me. I want the listeners thinking about themselves.

Speaker 2 19:23

I told kev recently we got to do go back to the basic of getting outside your comfort zone.

Speaker 2 19:27

But here's the thing I I never understood, because you always would be like oh, that's so outside my comfort zone to give a speech in front of people. I remember thinking I'm not uncomfortable with that, but I am uncomfortable with certain things I say in my speech. There are certain moments where I'm way more uncomfortable than you are. So it's this weird thing where some people are yeah, my next level lesson is this Some people are scared and insecure to be more than Some people are scared and insecure to be less than living in sort of a box that we put ourselves in, where you can't go above this line but you also can't be seen. It's almost like I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to be seen as incompetent, but I don't want to be seen as too competent either, or too righteous or too whatever, too much. We're all in this box of don't be too little, but don't be too much either, and I think that's so dangerous because you're not going to achieve your dreams unless you break out of that box.

Speaker 1 20:35

Yeah, you want the flame to stay. You don't want the flame to burn out, but you also don't want it to get so big that it shines on everybody or burns others, or burns others or attracts moths to it or whatever. That's something you and I have been talking about a lot lately. All right, we're gonna go. If you are looking for a group of good humans, of character-driven humans, of people who are into growth because I know that is rare Obviously we're in it. We're a self-improvement podcast. We're surrounded by people who love self-improvement, but I also understand that we're very blessed and we've constructed a lot of that. So that's what we needed and that's what we wanted, and we found a way to make that happen. If you don't have that, we'll have a link in the show notes, as always for Next Level Nation, a private Facebook group that is built on this. It's holistic, self-improvement, life, love, health and wealth. Be a good person, improve, look in the mirror All that happy jazz. You will fit in perfectly. Link will be in the show notes.

Speaker 2 21:39

Also, if you have not yet signed up for the Next Level Book Club, we are oh my God, I just dropped the book, goodness gracious, oh my God, I just dropped the book. It's now on the floor. It's gone. Now I'm going to grab it. Grab it, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. The Psychology of Money. It's on YouTube. Right there, morgan Housel, we talk about health, wealth, love and life. Wealth is critical. This book has already sparked some really good stuff in the WhatsApp group and we're doing two chapters per week. The Psychology of Money. I promise you, if you come to book club, you will have breakthroughs. It will probably be outside your comfort zone, but it's a safe space that's private. It's not recorded to just talk about real stuff, to be vulnerable on or off camera. You can participate or not, and it's no matter what. I promise you it will shake things up for you and help you achieve your dreams.

Speaker 1 22:29

Tomorrow for episode number 1,683. Here's why Getting Better is so hard. That's all that's it. That's all I'm gonna give Cliffhanger. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, Grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Talk to you soon.

Speaker 2 22:52

God.

Speaker 1 22:56

Classic.