Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1352 - Real Talk.. Is Your Partner Holding You Back?
Are you and your partner on the same page? In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about the dynamics of dating someone who is not into self-improvement versus having a partner who actively pursues personal growth. They discuss the importance of both partners being on the same page when it comes to self-improvement and how it can impact a relationship. While putting in the effort is crucial for any relationship to thrive, they highlight that effort alone may not be sufficient. They explore the concept of "you can't give what you don't have" and how it relates to personal growth within a partnership. Ultimately, they uncover the challenges that arise when one partner desires more growth and self-improvement than the other is willing to invest in, emphasizing the need for open communication, respect, and mutual understanding in order to navigate this potential obstacle in relationships.
Links mentioned:
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- Next Level Monthly Meetup #18: "How To Stick With Something For The Long Run" on June 1, 2023, 06:00 PM EST - https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZ0sfuGopj0rH9BT_Utn_nq9Lk5-TtxeSpt4#/registration
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Show notes:
[2:06] Dating someone not into self-improvement
[4:57] A partner who is into self-improvement
[11:04] Putting in effort is not enough in relationships
[14:49] Kim thanked Kevin for going above and beyond in helping launch the Peaceful Productivity podcast
[15:31] "You can't give what you don't have"
[20:05] It starts when one partner wants more growth than the other wants to invest in
[25:44] Outro
Usually it's working on the relationship together. That's usually the issue is, one person wants more growth in the relationship than the other person's willing to put in, and that's where things get wonky.
Speaker 2:You're either more growth oriented than your partner or your partner is more growth oriented than you, And hopefully the Delta's not that big Cause. If the Delta's big it's gonna be very, very difficult And I think if the Delta is huge, that's the amount of vulnerability it will require.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Next Level University. I am your host, Kevin Paul Mary, And I am your co-host, Alan Lazarus. At Next Level University, we believe in a heart driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.
Speaker 2:We bring you seven episodes per week to help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth.
Speaker 1:Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, for free. Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to Next Level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1351. Is your life based on intention or accident? Today, for episode number 1352, real talk is your partner holding you back.
Speaker 1:As I mentioned in the previous episode's outro, this is obviously a heavy episode, but one that needs to be done because Alan and I, at this point, have seen many, many people who are in relationships who, unfortunately, are going to be held back by their partner. And this was my thought when I was doing this episode. In my mind, you could have the best motorcycle in the world and you could have one tire. That is truly amazing And this is the best tire in the world, but if the other tire is flat, that motorcycle is not gonna get very far, unfortunately.
Speaker 1:I'm not likening motorcycles to people, but just for that example, i remember, long before I was married with a wonderful wife, i was dating someone and this person was not into self-improvement. I would say they tried to be supportive of what we were doing, but they didn't really understand how to be supportive. And I remember having the thought in my mind of interesting, there is definitely some subconscious resistance here where, if I continue growing, this is not gonna work. And I can tell this person is afraid that I'm gonna continue growing. And they didn't stab it. How did you know? It was just a feeling. It was a feeling. I remember you and I booked what was a fairly large interview at the time and they were very not dismissive. It was an energetic thing. I couldn't give you words that they used, but it was the energetic oh, that's cute, yeah, that's cute what you're doing, that kind of dismissive, lack of understanding based on what we were trying to create.
Speaker 2:I didn't respect the kids. I don't think there was that much respect Unconsciously.
Speaker 1:Yeah, again, we didn't have any results, but it was more the. It was more the. I believe if this is a relationship that I stayed with long term, that would be the weak point of the relationship.
Speaker 3:This person would be holding me back.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna ask you what I didn't like. No, you're good, I'm used to it.
Speaker 2:I would like to ask you a question, please do. Okay, because we're podcasters. That's what we do. We ask you the questions, we ask each other questions Spittalong day. All right, in hindsight, what was it about her that was not grown enough quote unquote to be a supportive partner to an entrepreneur or to a podcaster like yourself?
Speaker 1:I was on a podcast one time and the host made a funny joke. They said the only thing worse than being an entrepreneur is dating one or being married to one. I don't know that it was necessarily a mechanism on the part of that person. I don't necessarily blame that person. I don't know if they were ready for a relationship with somebody who is doing what we're doing.
Speaker 2:Well, let me ask this, just because we're here to dig deep Yeah podcasters. yes, what's the difference between Taryn's growth, your wife now and this person's? lack of growth. I guess What's the delta? Because, there, when we had no results as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, she understands that Self-improvement is part of who I am. There's a difference right there. There is doing something and being something, and I Feel like Taren understands that I am self-improvement. This is just who I am, it's not. I don't have a podcast, i don't have a business like. This is what I've dedicated my life to and at that point, obviously nobody else would Understand that, really, because there was nothing to show for it. Right, it's almost like you and I were just friends hanging out podcasting, where Taren knew me before, so she saw the less evolved, hyperconscious version of Kevin because we had dated a few years prior to reconnecting so I think it was less evolved, non-hyperconscious conscious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah lack of she saw the transformation. Yes, yeah. so I think that led her to believe like oh okay, interesting, there's definitely some self-improvement going on here and she values self-improvement.
Speaker 2:That's. I think that's more of it, but I think it's both well, the other, the other part of it too, is she personal growth is her. She was into personal growth when you weren't. Yes, Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that's she's hyper focused on improving our relationship. Yeah, that's a whole nother part of it where You and I have talked, like I'm. I know we can work anything out because we'll communicate. Then we'll figure out, like, what has to happen, like what do we have to do to make sure this problem goes away, or This person you know, you feel more Certain, inner supported, or whatever it may be. But it's, it's such a challenge if you're out there because I Have, i have worked with amazing people and I had to say this to them Hey, at the end of the day, the biggest problem in your life is the person you're dating. I'm sorry, i'm sorry, but You and I can talk fundamentals and you can track every single habit you have. But if there's resistance at home, it doesn't necessarily have to be at home.
Speaker 2:But just in this analogy, it's gonna be very hard, i know, during that. Well, I make you emotional.
Speaker 1:I I feel bad. I feel bad for people again, again. Most of our audience is women. There's we have had a lot of unfortunate stories of toxic masculinity hurting our community. Yeah that that bothers me for sure, and I we're gonna do an episode later in the week about this but Sometimes going backwards Perceived going backwards is actually taking a huge step forward, because you can actually be yourself. What can I help you with? I?
Speaker 2:Just had a moment where you're like deep in it and then all of a sudden you see me picking my nose.
Speaker 1:I had an itch no, look who might have judged little itch in the nozzle the nozzle.
Speaker 2:I had a client who I adore and her and I were. She wrote, wrote me her college essay. So she's going back to college and for her masters many, many years later than most people do and awesome human being, just One of my favorite humans and so she read me her college essay and we were both balling because it was like very powerful, and I remember, early into coaching her, i had that moment that you just referred to of Okay, so I've gotten to know you. Now You've told me things. You've told me your dreams, you've told me your goals, you've told me what you're trying to accomplish, and I essentially said and this is Me saying it in a short amount of time, even though it was over the course of probably a month that I was kind of articulating this to her. But I remember one call. It was From my honest perspective and I could be wrong because I'm not all knowing, but I don't think that I am your dreams are not going to be possible with that man. Your dreams are not going to be possible being with that man, and I always use this analogy I green light, red light, yellow light, and everyone is either, you know, red headed, and we did an episode on this. So cool, everyone has a reference.
Speaker 2:If you haven't listened to that episode, it was last week. I forget what it was called. Direction is more important than speed. Nice, stronger, i believe, stronger. And so I said some relationships are yellow headed green, some are green headed yellow, you know. Some are red, red, red And hers was red, red, red Red flags left and right, and deeply insecure man who was massively toxic, masculine and could not handle the idea of her being so great, and I essentially said you're going to always be sabotaged when closest to home is knocking you down.
Speaker 2:He literally called her delusional And he's not. He's wrong in my opinion, he's. She's not delusional because she's doing all those things you know, and that's kind of what we're talking about in this episode is Is your partner holding you back? Real talk. In hindsight, it's very clear that I had partners in the past that did hold me back, and I think that I've also. I don't know if I'd say I've held them back, but I would say I definitely was arrogant at times and things like that for sure.
Speaker 2:But what I would say is this the purpose of an intimate relationship is growth, was something that was said on stage at one of our events that we co-hosted by a woman named Tori Aletta. We interviewed her several times early on And I I've I'll never forget that moment because that was the first time I was like, oh wow, the purpose of an intimate relationship is growth. And what's fascinating is before that, unconsciously, i had believed the purpose of an intimate relationship was love. What I now realize is that love is a byproduct of growth And a lot of people get in relationships to have fun or because they're sexually attracted to one another or because of XYZ, uh reason. But if your main focus is personal growth within yourself and within the relationship, the relationship is most likely going to flourish.
Speaker 2:And I coach couples all over the world and I've had, at this point, hundreds of calls with individuals and couples because we do conscious couples podcast and relationship talks coaching. And I can tell you right now, the individuals in the relationship that don't have growth as a core value in their own life, even if they think they do, it causes a lot of challenges for the partner that does have a growth paradigm. And I think that that's kind of what I hope lands on this episode. You, you've been in a canoe.
Speaker 1:You've canoeed before. Oh yeah, you paddle, mm. hmm, the thought I have is you can have the best canoe in the world, if you're paddling in opposite directions you're going to be in trouble. That it's a relationship is really one of those weird things where you putting in efforts not enough. It's only half the battle. Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:If you want to get fit, you can go to the gym, you can sign up, you can track your calories, you can wait, whatever You want to make more money, you can study sales, you can ask for a raise. When it comes to a relationship, it takes two people. That's why relationships fail, because maybe one of the people's not willing to put in the work, and that's what that's. The sad part is, i'm sure you've gotten this question before How do I get my partner to be more into growth? It's like well, here's a list of possible ways to do it, and I have said this before. One of the ways is you don't be with them anymore. Unfortunately, that's definitely a real possibility, a real high likelihood possibility.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately, because some people on the other end of that I've been that guy for sure Can you share that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, my, when I was 25, my girlfriend at the time wanted to move from New Hampshire to California and chase her dreams And this is long before I had discovered or practiced self-improvement. I was an empty cup and it was very hard for me to support her big goals and big dreams And I was intimidated, low key. I was definitely intimidated by the ambition that she had And she ended up leaving me and chasing her dreams. And now she's doing that And that's exactly what she should have done. So I was on that side where it was not serving her to stay with me Now. I might seem very mature about this now, but at the time I was probably not so mature and I was definitely hurt And I probably said some not so nice things about her behind her back.
Speaker 1:But I didn't understand. I didn't understand that it's very hard to depersonalize the fact that you might not be what's best for some. It's a very hard thing to do, understandably, right. You just got your heart broken and you're like well, you're not going to find somebody as good as me. You know, of course you are. I wasn't that good at the end. That's why you left. So it's it's interesting being on both sides, because I think it allows me to empathize with both sides. I can understand why if somebody has giant goals, you struggle to support them. I can definitely understand that.
Speaker 2:So Now that you do have giant goals I guess open-ended question here What? what is that like for you now to look back on? because I guess what would you Let's say you were with that person hypothetical world, and they have huge goals now, what would it be like?
Speaker 1:I can help them. Yeah, i'd be more valuable if anything. Yeah, yeah, it's wild, it is, it is. But now, now the question is if I didn't get left behind. What I ever done, what I ever had done, what I did to get to where I am. It's, that's. That's the never-ending question. but here's the thing That person who left me had enough self-worth and enough self-belief to do it, and a lot of other people in that situation might not have done that That's.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I mean, maybe, maybe she had external What's the word I'm looking for Counsel, maybe she had people who said, hey, you're not gonna be able to accomplish your goals if you stay with Kevin. I don't know, maybe, maybe, maybe not, but she had the self-belief to say I'm going to Leave this and risk being single because I believe that's what's best for me. And that's a whole another conversation. We're actually gonna talk about that later in the week. But those are two important things to understand. A lot of us stay in relationships that don't serve us because they hold up space. They just hold space in our lives, and we're more afraid to be single than we are to be in a relationship that isn't serving us.
Speaker 3:Unfortunately, Hey, kevin, kim here just wanted to send you a video to say thank you so much for your help on Creating the peaceful productivity podcast. You know I couldn't have done it without you. I knew you'd be lots of great help with the technical aspects of getting the podcast going, but you went well above and beyond that. You helped me with the strategy and you gave me all kinds of really great support. You know, i think the key to success in business is a great attitude and You have that in spades. You really walk the walk. So thanks again, take care, i'll talk to you soon.
Speaker 2:Kev, you ever heard the quote? I think you have. I think we've talked about it. Uh, you can't give away what you don't have. Okay, back then you didn't believe in yourself, you didn't have big goals, so you couldn't give to her what she needed because you didn't have it versus now. You could, and you could help her. That's what you said. What is your take on that now? Like that quote.
Speaker 1:I think it's more true than ever really.
Speaker 2:So what would you do, assuming you don't have any goals and you don't have any belief, you don't have any self-worth, and you're with someone like that now, hmm, and your wife Taryn says I want to go do this thing, i want to be of whatever, and you're like What would you do now, even if I did, knowing you don't have self-belief in all that? Yeah, yeah, cuz you can still treat people properly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I think you just be honest. You just say yeah you be, you won't be vulnerable. I'm. There is a part of me That's afraid that When you do, or if and when you do get to where you're going, there won't be a spot for me. I mean, that's a very vulnerable thing to say, or I feel less Valuable because I don't know how to help you get to where you want to go Did you do that back then?
Speaker 2:No, no, no. Isn't it wild how, now that you have goals, dreams, belief, like It's easier to be vulnerable. Isn't that wild? it wasn't even.
Speaker 1:This? I don't. That's why I have empathy for it, because I didn't even know how to support it. It didn't even feel possible for me to support. It wasn't even an option. It's like here's a list of reasons why you shouldn't go do what you want to do. That was it. I just didn't know what else to do. And and here's the other thing I don't really mention this often, but part of it involved me leaving My job, making six figures, to go move across the country and find a new career. So there was the part of it.
Speaker 1:I didn't believe you could do right, i didn't want to do it. Okay, well, no, i didn't believe I can. Yeah, i didn't believe I could do it, but I didn't want to do it either because I enjoyed my job. I was making really good money, i Felt successful for the first time in my life. You know and I remember trying to explain like you don't understand the job I got isn't just like a job you get. This is a very rare opportunity in a very rare industry with a very rare set of circumstances. I don't think it's worth me trying to become a personal trainer in California. It's not gonna work The way you think it is. So I probably had some ground to stand on, but the point Remains that I did not believe in this person and I was definitely Holding them back. For sure.
Speaker 2:So I want to share this briefly, and this comes back to the is your partner holding you back? I can say wholeheartedly, i don't believe I've ever held back a Partner from goals and dreams and growth. I Do know that I've mistreated partners when I felt held back, hmm, and I wasn't as respectful or as kind as I would have liked to be, definitely. And so it's interesting that you and I are doing this episode, because we're both, we've both been Sort of on both ends, and I guess you've been on both ends too, but I don't know if I've ever been the one like I don't know. I don't think I've ever had a moment where I didn't believe in someone's dreams.
Speaker 1:It makes sense. I mean you're let's put it this way your dreams are bigger than most of the people you're gonna meet, maybe Emilia excluded.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it makes sense. It is wild. It is wild, but I definitely was not always, you know, proud of the man I was when I was held back or when I felt held back, because I remember what I was in your ex-partner's position, where it was like what, why are you Being like that?
Speaker 2:you know, don't you want to see me win? type of thing. So it's just an interesting conversation. So for the listeners, which end are you on, which end is your partner on, and what do you do about it? And I think that's probably a question we should probably address before we go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i just I think it's a conversation. Again, i always go back to In relationships in general and again I would trust you more with an answer because you, you coach people. I usually know I feel like I know what to say, but you've coached a lot of people through this. But It has to be some form of conversation because usually the stuff that we're afraid to talk about we don't talk about and that's usually The stuff that comes back to bite us in the butt eventually.
Speaker 1:So I would say the vulnerable problem-solver of hey, my fear is, i have a large goal that you are Dismissive of, you're not supportive of, whatever it may be, usually it's it's working on the relationship together. That's usually the issue is one person wants more growth in the relationship than the other person's willing to put in, and that's where things get wonky. Well, i looked up a bunch of dates, or I looked up Group couples therapy, or I looked up an app or, whatever it may be, a book, but my partner doesn't want to do it. That's where it starts, and then it's really hard for you to feel safe to grow Without the repercussions of what happens if you grow and your partner does it, but I, my answer is always a Vulnerable conversation about your feelings. I don't know if there's a better way and is it worth it?
Speaker 2:because, yeah, if your partner is not willing to and I see this all the time with the couples that I coach is there's always one partner Who's more into growth than the other partner, and I want to share this briefly. I talked about it, but with Kev behind the scenes, i This is the first time where I genuinely believe that I have a partner who is More obsessed with growth personal growth than I am, and there's no question it 100%. She's more obsessed with it 100%, and It is different, it's awesome, it's way better, by the way. But again, that's for me. I wonder if that would be the case, because I can understand why that would be really like I had these moments. I want to be vulnerable here.
Speaker 2:I've had these moments thinking about her past partners And it's like, oh yeah, no way, there's no way that was gonna work, it could never have worked. And then I think about my own and it's like, oh yeah, no. I actually empathize with a couple of my past partners where it's like, oh yeah, no, there's no way. I I understand now why that would be so Challenging. I mean, even you and I as business partners. I cried with you one time talking about how I don't want you to feel trapped by my Calling or my the size of my goals. There are goals, but you know what I mean, and so Either end of this kind of sucks. Honestly, it's not ideal. You're either more growth oriented than your partner or your partner is more growth oriented than you, and Hopefully the Delta's not that big, because if the Delta's big, it's, it's gonna be very, very difficult and I think if, if, if the Delta is huge, that's the amount of vulnerability it will require.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the communication hopefully can make up the difference between the set points.
Speaker 2:Yep, when you say set points you might want to.
Speaker 1:We'll just say self and growth. Set point your Current level of growth based on the amount of effort you put in, based on yourself. Awareness based on what you've learned about yourself and the world and your ability to communicate. Just your set point of self-improvement. One of the least sexy phrases in the world. Maybe I love it. I do too. I think it's everything I really do. I talk about it all the time on other shows, but this is when we say real talk.
Speaker 1:This is one of those things where this is an episode that sucks to record, kind of. I enjoy recording it because I want to add value, but it sucks to record because I know there's gonna be a Probably large majority of people who hear this and say, ah shit, maybe something we said. So Give yourself a little grace if this episode hits you in that way and understand. If you haven't had the conversation yet, that's the place to start. We do not. I don't know any mind readers. There used to be somebody on TV. Her name was miss Cleo. She'd be, you know, on it one o'clock in the morning. They found out that that was a whole fraud and people were getting ripped off some. I don't know. I don't know if it exists, but you got to have the conversation And if you believe it will be worth it and the growth that comes from it will be worth it. It's a great place to start.
Speaker 2:I think that some relationships are growing together. I think some relationships are growing in parallel and I think some relationships most relationships are probably growing apart, even if they can't tell. And what I've seen people do is they they show up in their relationship as a certain part of themselves That maybe is a past version, and then they go over here and they grow, and then they go back to a past version, and then they go over here and they grow, and I did that for years. So if you want to be fulfilled, you're gonna have to address this one way or another. I hope that you do.
Speaker 1:Next level nation. If you are looking for more like-minded people, please join our private Facebook group. It is called next level nation for good reason totally free, totally private. You can be yourself. That is the ultimate goal and Unfortunately, that is one of the hardest things in the world, but it is necessary for your growth. So please join if you're interested. Link is in the show notes.
Speaker 2:Also this Thursday. If you're listening to this, it's Tuesday, assuming you did it on the day of launch, which we hope that you do This Thursday. We have a monthly meetup on how to stick with something for the long run consistency, sustainability and improvement. Keep the train on the tracks for as long as possible and the results compound over and over and over again And the snowball gets really, really big. So picture a snowball rolling down a really long hill. There is a way to sustain it and the results can be beyond your wildest dreams. Private, not recorded. Keep your microphone and camera off or participate as much as you'd like. The registration link will be in the show Notes. We hope to see you there. This is one of the best ways to meet the rest of the community and other listeners, and to meet us as well tomorrow for episode number 1353 how to actually believe in something before you see it.
Speaker 1:So Alan and I were having a talk the other day and I used the phrase for most of us, seeing is believing, and he said well, how do we turn that around that? I said, i don't know, man, let's do a podcast episode on it. So that is what we're gonna do. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and an L you. We don't have fans, we have family, and we'll talk to you all tomorrow talk to you soon.
Speaker 2:Next level.
Speaker 1:Thanks for joining us for another episode of next level University. We love connecting with the next level family.
Speaker 2:We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.
Speaker 1:Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.
