Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1354 - Can Loneliness Be A Good Thing?
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Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros
We've all experienced moments when we outgrow our friends, and it can leave us feeling a bit lost. But maybe, just maybe, this loneliness is a sign that we're starting to understand our core values better. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about finding ourselves in the vast expanse of “lonely land.” So instead of fearing loneliness, let's embrace it as an opportunity for self-discovery. They discuss the benefits of loneliness, how it helps us get to know ourselves at a deeper level, and why it's okay to prioritize our own needs over constantly pleasing others or doing things to belong.
Links mentioned:
Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club
Next Level Monthly Meetup #18: "How To Stick With Something For The Long Run" on June 1, 2023, 06:00 PM EST - https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZ0sfuGopj0rH9BT_Utn_nq9Lk5-TtxeSpt4#/registration
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Website 💻 http://www.nextleveluniverse.com
The best way to track your habits is here! Download the app: Optimal - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/optimal/
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Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
- Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
- Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - https://bit.ly/3xffver
- Next Level U Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/
- Next Level Monthly Meetup #18: "How To Stick With Something For The Long Run" on June 1, 2023, 06:00 PM EST - https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZ0sfuGopj0rH9BT_Utn_nq9Lk5-TtxeSpt4#/registration
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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
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LinkedIn ✍
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Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/
Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com
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Show notes:
[3:39] When you outgrow your friends, it may be that you understand your core values better
[9:01] Lonely land is where you find yourself
[12:39] Kim thanked Kevin for going above and beyond in helping launch the Peaceful Productivity podcast
[15:37] Get to know yourself at a deeper level
[21:43] Everything for everybody but nothing for himself
[25:58] Outro
Speaker 1: My ultimate goal was this If you can say, I would rather be lonely than in a relationship situation, friendship, partnership, that's not serving me. that's a positive in my humble opinion.
Speaker 2: So don't lose yourself in lonely land, and if you're, if you're being everything for everyone, you probably need some time in lonely land before you configure who you really are.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Next Level University. I am your host, Kevin.
Speaker 2: Paul Mary, and I am your co-host, alan Lazarus, at.
Speaker 1: Next Level University. We believe in a heart driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.
Speaker 2: We bring you seven episodes per week to help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth.
Speaker 1: Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, for free. Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. I'm laughing because I feel physically ill, to the point where I have a trash can next to me in case something goes astray. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1353. How to actually believe in something before you see it? I don't know why I'm laughing so hard, but today, for episode number 1354, can loneliness be a good thing? I was having a conversation with somebody recently And laughing is your coping mechanism with pain.
Speaker 1: I will laugh through the pain and the discomfort. I was having a conversation with somebody.
Speaker 2: Yes, can I just say real quick something Please?
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2: I just want to share with all of our listeners, because I would like to bring you behind the scenes, pull back the curtain on what is true. One of the reasons we have gotten to where we have gotten in terms of impact, profitability, fulfillment, joy, love, building our dreams is because Kevin powers through even when he feels ill I appreciate it And I think it's important to mention that, because I asked him right before this.
Speaker 2: I said you don't look so good, brother, are you okay? And he's like not, man, i'm all right, you know. But no, i feel terrible And I have a trash can next to me If I throw up during this episode. Just keep going. Yes, i know he's being playful, but also somewhat serious, which I appreciate about him, and I said do you want to call it, do you want to do this episode another time? And he said no, no, no, of course not. You know I got this, we got this. So, anyways, that is one of the main reasons we've gotten to where we've gotten, so I just wanted to share that, of course, i appreciate that very much.
Speaker 1: I appreciate that very much And we need to do the episode. That's the sad truth is. We have to get this episode done because if we don't get it done it won't be out in time And again, we will not miss. I refuse to miss. So thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Of course Let's have a conversation I will not puke on the mic. I was having a conversation with somebody and we were talking about how they are in an interesting place in life where a lot of their old friends aren't necessarily coming with them onto the next leg of their journey, and I said well, i would offer you a reframe if you're open to that. That that's actually not a bad thing. I know you probably feel lonely right now. I know you probably are living in lonely land. I know maybe you're out growing people. I don't think that's as bad as you think, because here, from my perspective, is what happens In a way— Did you ever really and again, i know this is kind of a hardcore thought, but did you ever really fit in with your friends, or did you just decide at one point, you know what I would rather have quantity over quality and we had a conversation around that and I said, when you evolve and when you're growing and when you feel like you're outgrowing people and you're starting to feel lonely, that could mean potentially that you're actually valuing your partner friendship for the first time.
Speaker 1: Maybe you just understand, you know what I actually want different from my friend group. Maybe now I understand my core values at a deeper level. Maybe now I understand my core beliefs at a deeper level and maybe now I want more than just company. I want more than just somebody there. I want more than just small talk. I want more than just somebody to go to the bar with or whatever it may be. That's my reframe for this episode is, if you're lonely, it might not be a bad thing. It might actually be a representation of progress that you can't see yet.
Speaker 2: So Emilia created a digital asset that is very, very powerful and it's a mountain And there's three sections.
Speaker 1: You say some words strangely Mountain. you say Kitten.
Speaker 2: Kitten and mountain. I do that on purpose. The kitten, i think it lands different Mountain.
Speaker 1: I don't think you know what you're even talking about.
Speaker 2: Sometimes Fair assessment Go on. So this digital asset-. I am kidding Kevin, Just for the listeners.
Speaker 3: I am kidding, i do. Yeah, i know that you are.
Speaker 2: I think they know that you are, but for the new listeners it's like wow, they're really mean to each other. In the pocket He's talking about don't puke on the mic. He's making fun of him. You know it's fun banter, so it's all love, so this digital asset Kev.
Speaker 3: OK.
Speaker 2: There's a mountain, all right, and it's broken into three subsections. Emilia created this fire. Three dotted lines, mountain, awesome. The bottom is Old World. Old World represents, you know, middle school versus new world of high school. It's a hell of a transition for anyone who's been from middle school to high school, very challenging, ok. Then high school, maybe you went to college. So that's another old world to new world, and then college into corporate. So I'll just share my experience, but I hope that everyone's reflecting on their own. So middle school to high school I was in middle school. I was popular, i was, i had the hair, i was one of the hair boys Yeah, bull cut, bull cut.
Speaker 1: And I looked like a backstreet boy. So you had a bull cut as well. That's why we rolled together, brother.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's right. That's why we were friends.
Speaker 1: Nice, nice.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 1: Me, you and Ryan, me, you and Ryan had the bull cut. Yeah, i won't drop any last names, but he had a bull cut as well. Great head of hair on him. Yeah, he had a hair.
Speaker 3: Definitely Yeah, ok, excellent.
Speaker 2: So going back to middle school days, so fast forward and I everyone hit puberty and I just didn't. Everyone was becoming a man. My friends had hair and stuff like pit hair And, yeah, man, they had beards. Some people could grow facial hair in high school.
Speaker 1: That's the way you said it.
Speaker 3: Real time hair and hair and stuff.
Speaker 2: Some people could grow beards in high school. I still can't, yeah. so anyways, kevin, kind again. So, and if you're on YouTube you can see that, along with some nose hairs. I'm kidding.
Speaker 1: I know, literally Hey. first of all, I just ordered a nose hair trimmer straight.
Speaker 2: Did you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, for you on YouTube, those things are good.
Speaker 1: Look at crying because I've been laughing so hard this episode.
Speaker 2: So I go to high school and I am in ninth grade but I look like a middle schooler. Still I'm a little red-faced social butterflies What one of my teachers called me and my sister at the time is Extremely popular. She's a senior at the time and luckily all of her friends were very kind to me And so I was Alan's little or Christa's little brother. That was my, my first step into the new world of high school. But that was lonely land, because in middle school I was somebody and in high school I was a big-time nobody. And that's lonely land. And I remember freshman English class Nope, freshman Social studies class or history class history class and it was his name was Jeff actually believe it or not the teacher and The first assignment was to do public speaking and I was petrified, i was red-faced.
Speaker 2: I was so petrified of public speaking and I actually went to a hypnotist, which now in hindsight They just it's kind of like a therapist, hypnotherapist and this. Back then this was very weird, but now that's kind of normal. And What they did is they took things you're confident in for me snowboarding and basketball and they they tie it to public speaking. And so I had these tapes that I would listen to at night. It's like affirmations that kind of thing, and I was ashamed of this back then so I didn't tell anyone. This was like my own weird stuff. And now it's very obvious that that was a really good thing. And so, anyways, i do the speech and I'm still red-faced but I get through it fast forward, fast forward.
Speaker 2: 10 years later I'm a speaker. That same teacher actually hired me they were the athletic director for Medway High School and The whole district actually and I went and I spoke to high school. So that was kind of a cool thing of like lonely land was when I was Scared and alone and I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't fit in in high school And I I used to be popular in middle school and now I'm not. I used to be the bull cut hair kid who got you know significance and ladies, ladies, girls, and.
Speaker 2: You know, and now I'm this prepubescent red-faced, can't speak in front of a classroom to save my life, and I'm lonely land. And so here's my point and the point of this episode, which is lonely land is where you find yourself. Lonely land is where, if you can bear it, if you can stay in it, if you can learn in it and grow in it, i think of it as like winter, you know, stay inside, read books. It's cold out there, it's dangerous, it's, you know. But the summer is gonna come and when it does, you're gonna be ready and you're gonna be smarter and better than when you went in.
Speaker 1: Goodness, you got me a couple times there. Thanks brother. Yeah, you're working on my comedy. You're crushing it. You're crushing it the other, i guess. I don't know. Is it an analogy? I don't know, i can't really think right now. Loneliness, if by choice and by design, is a positive thing, that's my thought. If you have the opportunity to choose Easy now, don't spit it out. I didn't know we almost bit his drink all over the place. I just think it's. If it's by design, it's powerful.
Speaker 2: Get through this episode. We're gonna get through this.
Speaker 1: I'm losing it. It's going down. What was your?
Speaker 2: intention. I'll ask you questions. What was the original intention? to add value to the list No.
Speaker 1: I know that. No, it was that it was Okay. What? the opposite of loneliness if you're just saying you know what, good enough, that's not good, it's not positive. If you have the ability to choose and say I don't want this.
Speaker 2: Kev in the past. In the past. Real quick, give me a second. Okay, remember, kevin needs a minute.
Speaker 1: I do have remember, yes.
Speaker 2: Alan Al. Yes, when you were in a relationship and it was not, it was good. It was good enough, but it wasn't great. The car story, the car story again? No, no, cuz, then I'm just gonna laugh, then I'm just gonna laugh. Okay, you were so afraid of lonely land that you stayed in misaligned relationships, definitely Okay. how do we help our listeners not do that?
Speaker 1: It's a. It's a short-term win for a long-term loss. It's not you're all. You'll get some of your needs met, but you're not gonna be forced to grow.
Speaker 2: Is that what you said? yeah, it's a short-term loss for a long-term win.
Speaker 1: No, not when you're no. No, no, no, not if you're not, if you're staying in the relationship. That's not serving you.
Speaker 2: Oh gotcha.
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course, gotcha, i'm a speaker. Sorry, no, i prop there's a high likelihood I could mess it up very easily. It's that it's if you're accepting, good enough. I actually wanted to do an episode on is Good enough. Stopping you from getting to great cuz. I think a lot of us we end up doing that. It's like I'm lonely, so I'm gonna settle for something far less than I deserve, where if, if you're hungry, you might like if you're really, really hungry and in a pinch You're probably gonna eat something that's not necessarily great for you. I think of it that way. I I've talked many times about having friends with benefits and Going through seasons of that. That probably stopped me from getting a real valuable relationship, because I was getting some of my needs met and that's great, but it was good enough. It was like, yeah, this is good enough for now, and I wasn't forced to grow, i wasn't forced to learn, i didn't understand how to communicate. There wasn't any of that.
Speaker 2: Why didn't you just stay lonely? Besides the fact that it's terrible, i don't know, What would you do? if you could go back.
Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't have deluded myself into thinking At that point I wasn't really looking for a relationship, but I wasn't committed to being lonely. I probably would have said, kev, you, you deserve more than what you're currently receiving.
Speaker 3: Hey, kevin, kim here just wanted to send you a video to say thank you so much for your help on Creating the peaceful productivity podcast. You know I couldn't have done it without you. I knew you'd be lots of great help with the technical aspects of getting the podcast going, but you went well above and beyond that. You helped me with the strategy and you gave me all kinds of really great support. You know, i think the key to success in business is a great attitude and You have that in spades. You really walk the walk. So thanks again, take care, i'll talk to you soon.
Speaker 2: Can you talk about how hard it was in Florida?
Speaker 1: Oh, My goodness gracious, yeah, we. So we had a mentor who said, hey, come live in Florida with me. We're like, oh, yeah, funny, cool. He's like, no, seriously, come live in Florida with me for a month, or, honestly, as long as you want. And we were like, okay, what does that look like? He's like, well, you know, i have cameras and whiteboards in every room. You guys can record your courses. It'd be great for business.
Speaker 1: So Alan and I went down there in December of 2018 19, 18 And we lived there for the entire month of December and I remember, yeah, being down there, I was broke. We were in really good shape, which was good. That was one-third of the equation, but I was very, very, very lonely Because I here's the thing I was on dating apps and I was trying to meet people. This was the interesting because I was in this where I had met people that I knew it wasn't gonna work with, and I had enough Clarity to say that's not it, that's not gonna be it, that's not gonna work.
Speaker 1: I, i remember I remembered distinctly having a conversation with somebody and I remember We were discussing hanging out and I was like this, this isn't gonna work, this is just it's too. I'm just choosing to break the loneliness to get needs met. It's just not, it's not worth. So then we went down to Florida and I remember thinking there's nobody out there for me, nobody understands me, i'm super lonely, i'm broke, i don't know what I'm gonna do. And I remember I Was actually talking to somebody in Florida and they wanted to meet up and I was like, yeah, that's not it either. You know, that's probably not what's best. So you have the The, the temptations of well, i could get this need met or whatever it is. It was, it was brutal, it was terrible, broke, no business, just trying to figure out how to survive, basically, at that point, and then New World.
Speaker 2: So how long after Lonely Land Did you and Taryn re-sync up? I remember the conversation, i remember you went and got coffee, right?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it was right after that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, when you got home short shortly after that. Yeah, so probably not. I remember you talking about. I'm gonna text Taryn Yeah, probably like six, i think it was message Taryn, but yeah, yeah, probably like six months, maybe after that. I think Lonely Land is where you refine yourself.
Speaker 1: I agree. I think it's a. It's a. it's a really good opportunity for you to Put time into yourself. I've said this so many times, where You hear people say you should be lonely or you should be single for a while after a breakup. I don't think it's. I think it's for many reasons, but I think the the most positive reason is You get Forced to know yourself at a deeper level. You can't just make a rash decision based on emotion. That's, i think that's a super powerful thing, because if you do What are the odds and really think about this, what are the odds? you go from a relationship Immediately into another relationship. That's actually gonna work Very low, very, very, very low, because you didn't take the lessons from the previous relationship yet. You don't know who you are. You know who you were in that relationship, but you don't necessarily know who you are as a single person.
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm and I just think that's that's very, very valuable. So I know I was laughing hysterically in the beginning. I'm working through it. My ultimate goal was this If you can say I would rather be lonely, then in a relationship Situation ship, friendship, partnership that's not serving me That's a positive in my humble opinion, that I feel like It's empowering to have that, because then it's almost like the other option is you tuck your tail and you go back into something that doesn't serve you. That's not sustainable, yeah it's not sustainable.
Speaker 2: It's like you can't find a job, so you go back to your old job.
Speaker 3: It's the same type of idea.
Speaker 2: And again, that's old world versus new world. Whereas if you stuck it out, worked on yourself, built relationships with people, you could find a way. Yeah, but it might be Really lonely, yeah, that it most likely will be.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know that loneliness is as bad as we make it out to be, especially if it's constructive. Now some of us are lonely because we are struggling to find people and maybe we're not growing at the rate We want. Obviously that's different, but self-imposed loneliness based on the fact that you know your value and you know your worth and You're sick of whatever the relationship dynamic is. I think that's positive. I really, really, really do. Some of the times I've grown the most have won't Ben, when I've been the loneliest, and I don't think that's Same. Yeah, i don't think that's a coincidence. We've had clients same thing, mm-hmm. Because you have so much direction to work on yourself, because you have to worry about pouring into a relationship.
Speaker 2: It was explained to me like this one time tunnel through a mountain when you get near the center, it's when the light behind you is at its darkest and the light in front of you on the other side is also at its darkest And you're certain that there's an exit that way back to old world. You're not certain. In new world, on the other side of this mountain, you don't know. Is it gonna be a river? Am I gonna fall off a cliff into an ocean? Like you don't know what's on the other side of this mountain, and it's a metaphor for life. It's darkest in the center of the mountain When it's like, okay, well, now I'm at the point in no return. I can't go back. I can, but I probably shouldn't. But I'm not certain that this new world is for me. I'm not certain I can fit in yet. I've said this many times. It's kind of like book club is a good example. I'm gonna end up talking about that, but I'll just talk about it here. People are very uncertain in book club. It's unfortunate, but it's true. They come and they're uncertain what to expect. It's like I don't know if I fully fit in here. I don't even know if I love books yet And then they come and it's like, okay, interesting, this is either for me or it's not. And a lot of times what people find as they come to book club more and more is it's like holy crap. Okay, so I can fit in here, i can fit in here, i can fit in here, and it's like that with anything, whether it's a new gym membership or it's going to a therapist or it's book club. It's almost like, okay, i definitely don't fit in back there with my old friends or my family. In many cases I'm not fully me there. I don't fully fit in there. I know I've outgrown this pot of soil, i'm a plant that needs to be replanted and I know it, but I'm uncertain that I fit in in the new world. It's like when Kevin and I went to a Brennan-Bershard event. It's like, okay, i'm certain that we can't be like we used to be when we weren't into personal growth as much, and that friend group is no longer going to be a huge part of who we are and what we do. But we also don't fit in with Brennan-Bershard yet either, because Brennan-Bershard's been into personal development for 20 years longer, or 15 years longer or whatever it is, and so you're in this lonely land part where it's just super dark because you don't know who you are yet. You definitely don't fit in back there, but you don't fully fit in on the other side either, and I think that you have to go through those cycles in order to get to your dreams. And the last piece of this I talked about it, kevin, i know we gotta go.
Speaker 2: I lost myself in college. There was two lonely lands. One, from high school to college, was a big lonely land because it was like I went from physics award quote, unquote smart kid to like they covered in physics what we covered an entire year in high school in like three weeks And I was like, okay, whoa, it was really really quite challenging at WPI. So any WPI listeners you know the deal brutal. And then eventually I figured it out and I started to win and I started to succeed. Great, great, great.
Speaker 2: I started to get friends, all that. And then eventually I had this one friend come up to me and say you are the most popular kid on this campus And this was junior or senior year I think it was junior year, and whether or not that's true or not. So anyone who's listening of my past friends. It's like, well, you weren't the most popular I was told I was. I don't know. But basically they said no one on this campus doesn't know your name And my name at WPI at the time was called Laz, laz, laz, lazeris, laz, so anyways, but I lost myself. Here's why. Still friends with my high school friends tons of mentors, professors, tutors, tons of college friends, was in a fraternity I had큉 iai hę. I was everything for everybody and nothing for myself, and I tell you this because I think all of us are warning in an example.
Speaker 2: I think I'm an example when it comes to chasing big dreams and achieving your goals. I think I'm a warning when it comes to the core values along the way, or the lack thereof in this case, because I didn't know who I was. I didn't have core values. I had goals. My goals were clear, but the core values along the way were not. And I think Kev had more clarity on his core values, whether you were aware of it or not, and much less clarity on your goal. And so we've driven to five together, and now we have clarity on both at least, way more than we did back then. So don't lose yourself in lonely land, and if you're being everything for everyone, you probably need some time in lonely land before you can figure out who you really are.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I would go on the record as to say what I'm going to say is like a point, but it's almost like the clearer you get as a person, the smaller your circle gets. It doesn't have to be that way, but I see people who have like hundreds of friends and it's like how did they all have your similar core values, core beliefs and core aspirations? There's no possible way, right, there's no way they all have similar. I mean, maybe they do, I don't know. But so this is my thought When you are in lonely land, you get clear on who you are and what you value and what you want, what you aspire to, what's okay, what's not okay, what you want more of, what you want less of.
Speaker 1: Then, when you come out of a lonely land, you have the opportunity to go find those people. That's why lonely land is good, because it helps you figure out who are my people. You don't know who your people are until you know who you are, and sometimes the only way to know who you are is to be lonely for a while.
Speaker 2: And then you evolve and you have to rediscover it, and then you go find your people again and then you evolve and then you go back into lonely land. It's a never ending mountain that you climb, or you stay.
Speaker 3: No, not to mountain.
Speaker 2: Everyone listening. Think about someone who's the exact same as they were in high school. That person obviously didn't evolve a ton. They're the same. They didn't grow a ton, of course not, and so they probably didn't want to tolerate lonely land, and what's ultimately happening is, unfortunately, they're probably very lonely inside because they're not around anyone who really gets them, because they're not growing and they probably aren't proud of who they are. I've had times in my life like that, for sure, and it was always times when I was surrounding myself with people and running from what was inside.
Speaker 1: I'm glad we did this one. I'm glad we powered through and I have not been sick. Strong work, brother. I enjoy that very much. Next level nation. If you are listening to this tonight at 6pm Eastern Standard Time, we are having a monthly meetup. We have one every single month. This month is how to stick with something for the long run. Again, we are very blessed because we're 1,350, some odd episodes in, but there's a lot of strategy and a lot of stuff that goes into us sticking with it. Our meetups are completely free. They are totally private and you can participate if you want. You can just show up and be a fly on the wall, whatever you want. We are happy to have you. Link is in the show notes. We would love to see you tonight.
Speaker 2: I already mentioned it, but if you have not yet attended Book Club, come check it out. See if you are going to fit in with us. I'm sure that you will if you listen to this show. How emotions are made by Lisa Feldman Barrett is currently the book. Again. You can have read every chapter of the book. You can have read none of the book. Either way, you are welcome. We discussed the chapter. There's a lot you can learn. My favorite part about Book Club and I said it on Saturday is that I learned so much from so many different cultures and so many different countries and so many different types of people because everyone has a different perspective on the same book. You can learn a lot more than just reading the book alone. 12.30pm Eastern Standard Time every single Saturday, all the Saturdays, always on Saturday. Click the link in the show note to register and we will see you there.
Speaker 1: Tomorrow for episode number 1355,. Changing your reality is easier than you think. Bold statement, i know, but I promise we will make that land As always. We love you, we appreciate you, Grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2: You got this. Stick it out in lonely land. Next level nation.
Speaker 1: Next level nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the next level family.
Speaker 2: We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.
Speaker 1: Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.
Speaker 2: So don't lose yourself in lonely land, and if you're, if you're being everything for everyone, you probably need some time in lonely land before you configure who you really are.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Next Level University. I am your host, Kevin.
Speaker 2: Paul Mary, and I am your co-host, alan Lazarus, at.
Speaker 1: Next Level University. We believe in a heart driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.
Speaker 2: We bring you seven episodes per week to help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth.
Speaker 1: Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, for free. Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. I'm laughing because I feel physically ill, to the point where I have a trash can next to me in case something goes astray. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1353. How to actually believe in something before you see it? I don't know why I'm laughing so hard, but today, for episode number 1354, can loneliness be a good thing? I was having a conversation with somebody recently And laughing is your coping mechanism with pain.
Speaker 1: I will laugh through the pain and the discomfort. I was having a conversation with somebody.
Speaker 2: Yes, can I just say real quick something Please?
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2: I just want to share with all of our listeners, because I would like to bring you behind the scenes, pull back the curtain on what is true. One of the reasons we have gotten to where we have gotten in terms of impact, profitability, fulfillment, joy, love, building our dreams is because Kevin powers through even when he feels ill I appreciate it And I think it's important to mention that, because I asked him right before this.
Speaker 2: I said you don't look so good, brother, are you okay? And he's like not, man, i'm all right, you know. But no, i feel terrible And I have a trash can next to me If I throw up during this episode. Just keep going. Yes, i know he's being playful, but also somewhat serious, which I appreciate about him, and I said do you want to call it, do you want to do this episode another time? And he said no, no, no, of course not. You know I got this, we got this. So, anyways, that is one of the main reasons we've gotten to where we've gotten, so I just wanted to share that, of course, i appreciate that very much.
Speaker 1: I appreciate that very much And we need to do the episode. That's the sad truth is. We have to get this episode done because if we don't get it done it won't be out in time And again, we will not miss. I refuse to miss. So thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Of course Let's have a conversation I will not puke on the mic. I was having a conversation with somebody and we were talking about how they are in an interesting place in life where a lot of their old friends aren't necessarily coming with them onto the next leg of their journey, and I said well, i would offer you a reframe if you're open to that. That that's actually not a bad thing. I know you probably feel lonely right now. I know you probably are living in lonely land. I know maybe you're out growing people. I don't think that's as bad as you think, because here, from my perspective, is what happens In a way— Did you ever really and again, i know this is kind of a hardcore thought, but did you ever really fit in with your friends, or did you just decide at one point, you know what I would rather have quantity over quality and we had a conversation around that and I said, when you evolve and when you're growing and when you feel like you're outgrowing people and you're starting to feel lonely, that could mean potentially that you're actually valuing your partner friendship for the first time.
Speaker 1: Maybe you just understand, you know what I actually want different from my friend group. Maybe now I understand my core values at a deeper level. Maybe now I understand my core beliefs at a deeper level and maybe now I want more than just company. I want more than just somebody there. I want more than just small talk. I want more than just somebody to go to the bar with or whatever it may be. That's my reframe for this episode is, if you're lonely, it might not be a bad thing. It might actually be a representation of progress that you can't see yet.
Speaker 2: So Emilia created a digital asset that is very, very powerful and it's a mountain And there's three sections.
Speaker 1: You say some words strangely Mountain. you say Kitten.
Speaker 2: Kitten and mountain. I do that on purpose. The kitten, i think it lands different Mountain.
Speaker 1: I don't think you know what you're even talking about.
Speaker 2: Sometimes Fair assessment Go on. So this digital asset-. I am kidding Kevin, Just for the listeners.
Speaker 3: I am kidding, i do. Yeah, i know that you are.
Speaker 2: I think they know that you are, but for the new listeners it's like wow, they're really mean to each other. In the pocket He's talking about don't puke on the mic. He's making fun of him. You know it's fun banter, so it's all love, so this digital asset Kev.
Speaker 3: OK.
Speaker 2: There's a mountain, all right, and it's broken into three subsections. Emilia created this fire. Three dotted lines, mountain, awesome. The bottom is Old World. Old World represents, you know, middle school versus new world of high school. It's a hell of a transition for anyone who's been from middle school to high school, very challenging, ok. Then high school, maybe you went to college. So that's another old world to new world, and then college into corporate. So I'll just share my experience, but I hope that everyone's reflecting on their own. So middle school to high school I was in middle school. I was popular, i was, i had the hair, i was one of the hair boys Yeah, bull cut, bull cut.
Speaker 1: And I looked like a backstreet boy. So you had a bull cut as well. That's why we rolled together, brother.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's right. That's why we were friends.
Speaker 1: Nice, nice.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 1: Me, you and Ryan, me, you and Ryan had the bull cut. Yeah, i won't drop any last names, but he had a bull cut as well. Great head of hair on him. Yeah, he had a hair.
Speaker 3: Definitely Yeah, ok, excellent.
Speaker 2: So going back to middle school days, so fast forward and I everyone hit puberty and I just didn't. Everyone was becoming a man. My friends had hair and stuff like pit hair And, yeah, man, they had beards. Some people could grow facial hair in high school.
Speaker 1: That's the way you said it.
Speaker 3: Real time hair and hair and stuff.
Speaker 2: Some people could grow beards in high school. I still can't, yeah. so anyways, kevin, kind again. So, and if you're on YouTube you can see that, along with some nose hairs. I'm kidding.
Speaker 1: I know, literally Hey. first of all, I just ordered a nose hair trimmer straight.
Speaker 2: Did you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, for you on YouTube, those things are good.
Speaker 1: Look at crying because I've been laughing so hard this episode.
Speaker 2: So I go to high school and I am in ninth grade but I look like a middle schooler. Still I'm a little red-faced social butterflies What one of my teachers called me and my sister at the time is Extremely popular. She's a senior at the time and luckily all of her friends were very kind to me And so I was Alan's little or Christa's little brother. That was my, my first step into the new world of high school. But that was lonely land, because in middle school I was somebody and in high school I was a big-time nobody. And that's lonely land. And I remember freshman English class Nope, freshman Social studies class or history class history class and it was his name was Jeff actually believe it or not the teacher and The first assignment was to do public speaking and I was petrified, i was red-faced.
Speaker 2: I was so petrified of public speaking and I actually went to a hypnotist, which now in hindsight They just it's kind of like a therapist, hypnotherapist and this. Back then this was very weird, but now that's kind of normal. And What they did is they took things you're confident in for me snowboarding and basketball and they they tie it to public speaking. And so I had these tapes that I would listen to at night. It's like affirmations that kind of thing, and I was ashamed of this back then so I didn't tell anyone. This was like my own weird stuff. And now it's very obvious that that was a really good thing. And so, anyways, i do the speech and I'm still red-faced but I get through it fast forward, fast forward.
Speaker 2: 10 years later I'm a speaker. That same teacher actually hired me they were the athletic director for Medway High School and The whole district actually and I went and I spoke to high school. So that was kind of a cool thing of like lonely land was when I was Scared and alone and I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't fit in in high school And I I used to be popular in middle school and now I'm not. I used to be the bull cut hair kid who got you know significance and ladies, ladies, girls, and.
Speaker 2: You know, and now I'm this prepubescent red-faced, can't speak in front of a classroom to save my life, and I'm lonely land. And so here's my point and the point of this episode, which is lonely land is where you find yourself. Lonely land is where, if you can bear it, if you can stay in it, if you can learn in it and grow in it, i think of it as like winter, you know, stay inside, read books. It's cold out there, it's dangerous, it's, you know. But the summer is gonna come and when it does, you're gonna be ready and you're gonna be smarter and better than when you went in.
Speaker 1: Goodness, you got me a couple times there. Thanks brother. Yeah, you're working on my comedy. You're crushing it. You're crushing it the other, i guess. I don't know. Is it an analogy? I don't know, i can't really think right now. Loneliness, if by choice and by design, is a positive thing, that's my thought. If you have the opportunity to choose Easy now, don't spit it out. I didn't know we almost bit his drink all over the place. I just think it's. If it's by design, it's powerful.
Speaker 2: Get through this episode. We're gonna get through this.
Speaker 1: I'm losing it. It's going down. What was your?
Speaker 2: intention. I'll ask you questions. What was the original intention? to add value to the list No.
Speaker 1: I know that. No, it was that it was Okay. What? the opposite of loneliness if you're just saying you know what, good enough, that's not good, it's not positive. If you have the ability to choose and say I don't want this.
Speaker 2: Kev in the past. In the past. Real quick, give me a second. Okay, remember, kevin needs a minute.
Speaker 1: I do have remember, yes.
Speaker 2: Alan Al. Yes, when you were in a relationship and it was not, it was good. It was good enough, but it wasn't great. The car story, the car story again? No, no, cuz, then I'm just gonna laugh, then I'm just gonna laugh. Okay, you were so afraid of lonely land that you stayed in misaligned relationships, definitely Okay. how do we help our listeners not do that?
Speaker 1: It's a. It's a short-term win for a long-term loss. It's not you're all. You'll get some of your needs met, but you're not gonna be forced to grow.
Speaker 2: Is that what you said? yeah, it's a short-term loss for a long-term win.
Speaker 1: No, not when you're no. No, no, no, not if you're not, if you're staying in the relationship. That's not serving you.
Speaker 2: Oh gotcha.
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course, gotcha, i'm a speaker. Sorry, no, i prop there's a high likelihood I could mess it up very easily. It's that it's if you're accepting, good enough. I actually wanted to do an episode on is Good enough. Stopping you from getting to great cuz. I think a lot of us we end up doing that. It's like I'm lonely, so I'm gonna settle for something far less than I deserve, where if, if you're hungry, you might like if you're really, really hungry and in a pinch You're probably gonna eat something that's not necessarily great for you. I think of it that way. I I've talked many times about having friends with benefits and Going through seasons of that. That probably stopped me from getting a real valuable relationship, because I was getting some of my needs met and that's great, but it was good enough. It was like, yeah, this is good enough for now, and I wasn't forced to grow, i wasn't forced to learn, i didn't understand how to communicate. There wasn't any of that.
Speaker 2: Why didn't you just stay lonely? Besides the fact that it's terrible, i don't know, What would you do? if you could go back.
Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't have deluded myself into thinking At that point I wasn't really looking for a relationship, but I wasn't committed to being lonely. I probably would have said, kev, you, you deserve more than what you're currently receiving.
Speaker 3: Hey, kevin, kim here just wanted to send you a video to say thank you so much for your help on Creating the peaceful productivity podcast. You know I couldn't have done it without you. I knew you'd be lots of great help with the technical aspects of getting the podcast going, but you went well above and beyond that. You helped me with the strategy and you gave me all kinds of really great support. You know, i think the key to success in business is a great attitude and You have that in spades. You really walk the walk. So thanks again, take care, i'll talk to you soon.
Speaker 2: Can you talk about how hard it was in Florida?
Speaker 1: Oh, My goodness gracious, yeah, we. So we had a mentor who said, hey, come live in Florida with me. We're like, oh, yeah, funny, cool. He's like, no, seriously, come live in Florida with me for a month, or, honestly, as long as you want. And we were like, okay, what does that look like? He's like, well, you know, i have cameras and whiteboards in every room. You guys can record your courses. It'd be great for business.
Speaker 1: So Alan and I went down there in December of 2018 19, 18 And we lived there for the entire month of December and I remember, yeah, being down there, I was broke. We were in really good shape, which was good. That was one-third of the equation, but I was very, very, very lonely Because I here's the thing I was on dating apps and I was trying to meet people. This was the interesting because I was in this where I had met people that I knew it wasn't gonna work with, and I had enough Clarity to say that's not it, that's not gonna be it, that's not gonna work.
Speaker 1: I, i remember I remembered distinctly having a conversation with somebody and I remember We were discussing hanging out and I was like this, this isn't gonna work, this is just it's too. I'm just choosing to break the loneliness to get needs met. It's just not, it's not worth. So then we went down to Florida and I remember thinking there's nobody out there for me, nobody understands me, i'm super lonely, i'm broke, i don't know what I'm gonna do. And I remember I Was actually talking to somebody in Florida and they wanted to meet up and I was like, yeah, that's not it either. You know, that's probably not what's best. So you have the The, the temptations of well, i could get this need met or whatever it is. It was, it was brutal, it was terrible, broke, no business, just trying to figure out how to survive, basically, at that point, and then New World.
Speaker 2: So how long after Lonely Land Did you and Taryn re-sync up? I remember the conversation, i remember you went and got coffee, right?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it was right after that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, when you got home short shortly after that. Yeah, so probably not. I remember you talking about. I'm gonna text Taryn Yeah, probably like six, i think it was message Taryn, but yeah, yeah, probably like six months, maybe after that. I think Lonely Land is where you refine yourself.
Speaker 1: I agree. I think it's a. It's a. it's a really good opportunity for you to Put time into yourself. I've said this so many times, where You hear people say you should be lonely or you should be single for a while after a breakup. I don't think it's. I think it's for many reasons, but I think the the most positive reason is You get Forced to know yourself at a deeper level. You can't just make a rash decision based on emotion. That's, i think that's a super powerful thing, because if you do What are the odds and really think about this, what are the odds? you go from a relationship Immediately into another relationship. That's actually gonna work Very low, very, very, very low, because you didn't take the lessons from the previous relationship yet. You don't know who you are. You know who you were in that relationship, but you don't necessarily know who you are as a single person.
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm and I just think that's that's very, very valuable. So I know I was laughing hysterically in the beginning. I'm working through it. My ultimate goal was this If you can say I would rather be lonely, then in a relationship Situation ship, friendship, partnership that's not serving me That's a positive in my humble opinion, that I feel like It's empowering to have that, because then it's almost like the other option is you tuck your tail and you go back into something that doesn't serve you. That's not sustainable, yeah it's not sustainable.
Speaker 2: It's like you can't find a job, so you go back to your old job.
Speaker 3: It's the same type of idea.
Speaker 2: And again, that's old world versus new world. Whereas if you stuck it out, worked on yourself, built relationships with people, you could find a way. Yeah, but it might be Really lonely, yeah, that it most likely will be.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know that loneliness is as bad as we make it out to be, especially if it's constructive. Now some of us are lonely because we are struggling to find people and maybe we're not growing at the rate We want. Obviously that's different, but self-imposed loneliness based on the fact that you know your value and you know your worth and You're sick of whatever the relationship dynamic is. I think that's positive. I really, really, really do. Some of the times I've grown the most have won't Ben, when I've been the loneliest, and I don't think that's Same. Yeah, i don't think that's a coincidence. We've had clients same thing, mm-hmm. Because you have so much direction to work on yourself, because you have to worry about pouring into a relationship.
Speaker 2: It was explained to me like this one time tunnel through a mountain when you get near the center, it's when the light behind you is at its darkest and the light in front of you on the other side is also at its darkest And you're certain that there's an exit that way back to old world. You're not certain. In new world, on the other side of this mountain, you don't know. Is it gonna be a river? Am I gonna fall off a cliff into an ocean? Like you don't know what's on the other side of this mountain, and it's a metaphor for life. It's darkest in the center of the mountain When it's like, okay, well, now I'm at the point in no return. I can't go back. I can, but I probably shouldn't. But I'm not certain that this new world is for me. I'm not certain I can fit in yet. I've said this many times. It's kind of like book club is a good example. I'm gonna end up talking about that, but I'll just talk about it here. People are very uncertain in book club. It's unfortunate, but it's true. They come and they're uncertain what to expect. It's like I don't know if I fully fit in here. I don't even know if I love books yet And then they come and it's like, okay, interesting, this is either for me or it's not. And a lot of times what people find as they come to book club more and more is it's like holy crap. Okay, so I can fit in here, i can fit in here, i can fit in here, and it's like that with anything, whether it's a new gym membership or it's going to a therapist or it's book club. It's almost like, okay, i definitely don't fit in back there with my old friends or my family. In many cases I'm not fully me there. I don't fully fit in there. I know I've outgrown this pot of soil, i'm a plant that needs to be replanted and I know it, but I'm uncertain that I fit in in the new world. It's like when Kevin and I went to a Brennan-Bershard event. It's like, okay, i'm certain that we can't be like we used to be when we weren't into personal growth as much, and that friend group is no longer going to be a huge part of who we are and what we do. But we also don't fit in with Brennan-Bershard yet either, because Brennan-Bershard's been into personal development for 20 years longer, or 15 years longer or whatever it is, and so you're in this lonely land part where it's just super dark because you don't know who you are yet. You definitely don't fit in back there, but you don't fully fit in on the other side either, and I think that you have to go through those cycles in order to get to your dreams. And the last piece of this I talked about it, kevin, i know we gotta go.
Speaker 2: I lost myself in college. There was two lonely lands. One, from high school to college, was a big lonely land because it was like I went from physics award quote, unquote smart kid to like they covered in physics what we covered an entire year in high school in like three weeks And I was like, okay, whoa, it was really really quite challenging at WPI. So any WPI listeners you know the deal brutal. And then eventually I figured it out and I started to win and I started to succeed. Great, great, great.
Speaker 2: I started to get friends, all that. And then eventually I had this one friend come up to me and say you are the most popular kid on this campus And this was junior or senior year I think it was junior year, and whether or not that's true or not. So anyone who's listening of my past friends. It's like, well, you weren't the most popular I was told I was. I don't know. But basically they said no one on this campus doesn't know your name And my name at WPI at the time was called Laz, laz, laz, lazeris, laz, so anyways, but I lost myself. Here's why. Still friends with my high school friends tons of mentors, professors, tutors, tons of college friends, was in a fraternity I had큉 iai hę. I was everything for everybody and nothing for myself, and I tell you this because I think all of us are warning in an example.
Speaker 2: I think I'm an example when it comes to chasing big dreams and achieving your goals. I think I'm a warning when it comes to the core values along the way, or the lack thereof in this case, because I didn't know who I was. I didn't have core values. I had goals. My goals were clear, but the core values along the way were not. And I think Kev had more clarity on his core values, whether you were aware of it or not, and much less clarity on your goal. And so we've driven to five together, and now we have clarity on both at least, way more than we did back then. So don't lose yourself in lonely land, and if you're being everything for everyone, you probably need some time in lonely land before you can figure out who you really are.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I would go on the record as to say what I'm going to say is like a point, but it's almost like the clearer you get as a person, the smaller your circle gets. It doesn't have to be that way, but I see people who have like hundreds of friends and it's like how did they all have your similar core values, core beliefs and core aspirations? There's no possible way, right, there's no way they all have similar. I mean, maybe they do, I don't know. But so this is my thought When you are in lonely land, you get clear on who you are and what you value and what you want, what you aspire to, what's okay, what's not okay, what you want more of, what you want less of.
Speaker 1: Then, when you come out of a lonely land, you have the opportunity to go find those people. That's why lonely land is good, because it helps you figure out who are my people. You don't know who your people are until you know who you are, and sometimes the only way to know who you are is to be lonely for a while.
Speaker 2: And then you evolve and you have to rediscover it, and then you go find your people again and then you evolve and then you go back into lonely land. It's a never ending mountain that you climb, or you stay.
Speaker 3: No, not to mountain.
Speaker 2: Everyone listening. Think about someone who's the exact same as they were in high school. That person obviously didn't evolve a ton. They're the same. They didn't grow a ton, of course not, and so they probably didn't want to tolerate lonely land, and what's ultimately happening is, unfortunately, they're probably very lonely inside because they're not around anyone who really gets them, because they're not growing and they probably aren't proud of who they are. I've had times in my life like that, for sure, and it was always times when I was surrounding myself with people and running from what was inside.
Speaker 1: I'm glad we did this one. I'm glad we powered through and I have not been sick. Strong work, brother. I enjoy that very much. Next level nation. If you are listening to this tonight at 6pm Eastern Standard Time, we are having a monthly meetup. We have one every single month. This month is how to stick with something for the long run. Again, we are very blessed because we're 1,350, some odd episodes in, but there's a lot of strategy and a lot of stuff that goes into us sticking with it. Our meetups are completely free. They are totally private and you can participate if you want. You can just show up and be a fly on the wall, whatever you want. We are happy to have you. Link is in the show notes. We would love to see you tonight.
Speaker 2: I already mentioned it, but if you have not yet attended Book Club, come check it out. See if you are going to fit in with us. I'm sure that you will if you listen to this show. How emotions are made by Lisa Feldman Barrett is currently the book. Again. You can have read every chapter of the book. You can have read none of the book. Either way, you are welcome. We discussed the chapter. There's a lot you can learn. My favorite part about Book Club and I said it on Saturday is that I learned so much from so many different cultures and so many different countries and so many different types of people because everyone has a different perspective on the same book. You can learn a lot more than just reading the book alone. 12.30pm Eastern Standard Time every single Saturday, all the Saturdays, always on Saturday. Click the link in the show note to register and we will see you there.
Speaker 1: Tomorrow for episode number 1355,. Changing your reality is easier than you think. Bold statement, i know, but I promise we will make that land As always. We love you, we appreciate you, Grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.
Speaker 2: You got this. Stick it out in lonely land. Next level nation.
Speaker 1: Next level nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the next level family.
Speaker 2: We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.
Speaker 1: Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.
