Next Level University

#1363 - The 3 Big Things That Determine Who You Become

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Are you living the life you've always imagined, or are you stumbling through it, letting circumstances dictate who you become? In this eye-opening episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros dive into the factors that determine personal growth and how to take control of the journey. They discuss the power of identity, process, and goals in shaping our lives and share insights on breaking free from limiting beliefs and embracing a new identity that aligns with our aspirations.

Links mentioned:
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Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
[2:51] Stumbleupon
[4:10] Identity, process, and goals
[7:35] Layers of identity
[13:54] Nathan expresses his appreciation for the invaluable coaching services he received from Alan
[14:42] You need to set a goal that is meaningful to you
[17:44] Rebuilding your identity
[23:32] Having a small identity
[30:47] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Wouldn't be the first time, of course. All right, here we go. Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1,362, the downside of setting boundaries. I guess there were multiple downsides in that episode. Today, for episode number 1,363, the three big things that determine who you become. So at the end of the day Alan has told me this many times we set goals not to accomplish the goals, but in order to become the type of people who would be capable of accomplishing those goals. Who you become is far more important than what you get. Alan wants to do this episode on the three things that determine who you become. So I'm going to kick it to one Alan Lazarus.

Speaker 2:

All right.

Speaker 2:

So some people set a goal and then, once they achieve that goal, then they allow that to leak into who they are. Other people decide they're going to be a certain type of person and then align their goals with that. So I was in college and this is 2009,. I want to say 2008? 2008, way back in the day, 2008,. And I'm in college and there was a really famous website at the time called StumbleUpon and everyone in my dorm had a big dorm and everyone in my dorm had computers, because I went to a tech school.

Speaker 2:

So everyone's big into the internet, very techy, extremely, extremely. You know quote unquote nerdy people. Okay, so we all love video games, we all love technology, we all love the internet, we all love computers Awesome. So everyone was using webcams and going on this website called StumbleUpon. Stumbleupon was a website where it's like kind of like webcam roulette, where you basically are on a website and it just shuffles through random parts of the globe, random people all over the world and what they're doing on their webcam, and people would do funny stuff And sometimes there was inappropriate stuff. So I'm pretty sure this website got shut down. But the point is is that everyone was going through these webcams and doing funny stuff and I thought it was a huge waste of time.

Speaker 2:

But I think that's a lot of how we operate in life. I think that's the way a lot of people live their life. The friends that you're friends with are because, for me, for example, some of my best friends growing up they were my next door neighbors. What a coincidence. Kevin and I know each other. We went to the same school. We grew up in the same town. What a coincidence, right? So some people, I think, go through life stumbling upon the person's places, things and ideas that then mold their identity. It molds into who they think they are. There's another way, and I didn't really understand this fully until after my car accident at 26.

Speaker 2:

So the framework is simple. The three things. Here we go. Number one is identity. Identity is basically who you believe you are. That's it Who you consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously believe you are. All right. So Kevin believes he's a podcaster. All right, son, before he started podcasting, he did not believe that. Okay, number one identity. Number two is process That this is your experience, this is what you do and don't do. I think that's a better way to explain it what you do and don't do Okay. And then number three is your goal.

Speaker 2:

Most people New Year's resolutions. They come, new Year's comes and it's like okay, i'm going to set a New Year's resolution, aka a new goal to lose 10 pounds this year. The problem is is that that goal requires a certain process and a certain identity underneath it in order to achieve it? And what if that conflicts with your unconscious belief about yourself? So one example that I want to give is I coach a lot of people and a lot of them are doing social brands and they're building personal brands and they're building businesses, and that's awesome. What I find so fascinating, so fascinating is how few human beings are willing to post on their personal Facebook about their business. Hmm, same Human beings do not want to post on their personal Facebook about their business. Yeah, And here's why The way people know them is very different than this new identity that they need to hold in order to be a business owner.

Speaker 2:

Business owner is an identity And they're so fearful of posting business stuff on a personal Facebook because, well, that's not how my aunt and my uncle and my friends from high school, that's not how they know me, and it's all fear. And so we trap ourselves. We want these goals, we want these results, but we can't achieve them without shifting our identity first. And it becomes this conundrum, because if you want to be I don't know, let's say one day you hope to be a millionaire one day, okay, it's totally possible, and there's no question that you can't do that. If you do it, you don't have the hope to be a millionaire one day Okay, it's totally possible, and there's no question that it's possible. Coach with me for a decade. There's no question I can make you a millionaire. Teach you how to do it. It's actually a simple formula. It just takes a really long time. If you do it Now, it's possible. It is possible for you, most likely with very little exceptions, okay.

Speaker 2:

So the question becomes do you hold the identity in advance of a millionaire, or are you stuck in your old identity of I'm broke, and this is what I was thinking about earlier. Kev is comfort zone. I think that when you got the BMW, you were outside your comfort zone, just in a positive way. Still, i still am Right, it's not. It hasn't fully leaked into your identity yet, unconsciously, because you spent so much of your life struggling with money, it's a little weird for you to have so much abundance, to have access to so much capital. And again, within reason, obviously we're not.

Speaker 1:

Well, there's but there's layers to that too, right, because it's almost like I have a lot of the benefits of, i mean, the fact that I have that car is leaked into certain identities. I guess it's the whole identity, but there's layers to it of now, if anything, i'm a more quote, unquote successful business owner, even though I'm the same level of successful I was before, but now it's almost like every skill I have in a way is kind of amplified, like I'm I don't know how to explain it. Yes, i'm outside of my comfort zone. Yes, it is leaked into some of my identity, but not all of it. Yet It's very hard to explain. But again, i also don't know if I'm the Well, it's you, someone else.

Speaker 2:

So I told the story about the Prius with B, I think so on the podcast.

Speaker 1:

I think so, Yeah, yeah yeah, okay.

Speaker 2:

so for those of you who didn't listen to that last episode how dare you? I'm kidding.

Speaker 1:

I don't know which one it was, but I'm pretty sure you did.

Speaker 2:

Essentially, b and Emilia have a company called The Volventures and Emilia has a Prius that she's going to give to Bianca. You know, give is probably the wrong word, but have Bianca use and the business is going to own the car and Emilia is going to upgrade to a Tesla. B had a really hard time with her identity when it came to getting a Prius Because unfortunately, we're all kind of I don't know if we're. Here's what I think happens. I think you either decide in advance that I'm the type of person that, for example, i just watched a Tom Brady documentary and he was like a last round draft pick, completely written off, and he went to the owner of the Patriots and said this is the best decision this franchise has ever made. I'm going to take Drew Buds so his job. He said that behind the scenes and I'm going to be the best quarterback to ever live.

Speaker 2:

He held the identity long before the result came. That's very rare. It turns out That's like a very rare thing And that's a very extreme example. But I do realize coaching people some people do that. I would say that that's the way I operate. I decide in advance this is who I am, and then I become that person and then I get the result later. I think other people don't become the person until after they get the result, and I think that's why they're more process oriented. I'm still trying to figure this out myself. So Kev does the process of podcasting. You said 160 episodes before you felt like a podcaster.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, something like that.

Speaker 2:

And you use the word felt. The subconscious mind is where your emotions are, and I'm not going to go into the neuroscience, but essentially intellectually, kevin knew for the first 160 episodes that you're a podcaster. Intellectually you knew that You podcaster, podcaster, congratulations right. But you didn't feel like a podcaster until 160 episodes in. I think that it doesn't leak into our subconscious very quickly And somehow I don't know how me and Tom Brady or whatever and other people are able to do that in advance, like I already am a successful speaker, but I felt the same exact way now, thank you, with us just getting a $5,000 speech, as I did when I was broke, and not getting any speeches. It's the same for me And I don't know why.

Speaker 1:

Yet This is because you know the process.

Speaker 2:

I think that's part of it. I already know the process to do it. I'm certain that it's possible. I'm certain that I can do it. I also know that I'm a strong communicator. It's not like this is you're never gonna hear me hold the identity of I'm gonna be the strongest man to ever live. It's impossible, that's not even possible for me. So I can't hold that identity. So I'm trying to figure out if the people that do that are better at achievement. The people who don't do that are better at communication. That's what I've found, and I'm trying to be better at communication, so I have to like figure this whole thing out. It's very interesting.

Speaker 1:

I'm definitely the I have to go. I just have to do something for long enough And then it becomes my identity.

Speaker 2:

This is gonna sound weird, but I'm already married to Emilia in my consciousness.

Speaker 1:

I was too when I started the. I told Tara, So that's for you too. Same thing Yeah yeah, i didn't date you to date you. I dated you because we were getting married. That was my-.

Speaker 2:

Same. This is my future wife, this is my baby And I treat her like my wife. So, even though she's not yet my wife and I'm not presuppose like, for whatever reason, she wanted to say no or whatever. Like one time I did an episode and my mom was like oh, that sounded really bad. It's like, mom, i intended to be with her. That doesn't mean without her consent, right, of course. Right.

Speaker 1:

Like obviously she has a choice in all this. This is a good question that might help us go deeper. What's the difference between treating her like your wife and not treating her like your wife? Like what's the difference?

Speaker 2:

That's an identity difference You treat your wife with, i think and this is unconscious, but it's human condition I'm gonna treat my wife better than some random person on the street.

Speaker 1:

It's just unconscious.

Speaker 2:

Now, of course, i'm gonna treat some random person on the street with respect as well, but I'm not gonna like invest my mind, body, heart and soul into supporting them in every way a human can. That's the way that I treat Emilia, and what's interesting about this and this is the really cool example here here's the philosophical question Would Emilia want to be my wife if I didn't treat her in advance like the amazing wife she is? Because if I hold myself to that standard in advance, then the results are inevitable. It's almost like the law of attraction and I don't wanna get woo-woo with this, but it's almost like you're holding the energy in advance and then you're aligning the process to the goal, versus like kind of stumbling upon results and then letting it leak into your identity. It's almost like you're deciding your own fate and your own destiny. In a way, it's kind of amazing. I like love it.

Speaker 1:

It's very interesting. Well, okay, what can the listeners do with this? Because obviously this is you and I going very deep on our own stuff, but I wanna make sure that. Where do they start?

Speaker 2:

I think the first thing, your goal, it's a GPS. Your goal is the address you plug in, okay, and it can be small or big. It can be a mile away or it can be 3,000 miles away. So I drove across the country in the early 20s. I can put an address in for what we did. We did Studio City in LA, okay. So it can be a huge goal or it can be a tiny one, but you have to put in a goal, you have to put in an address, otherwise the GPS doesn't work. Okay, then you have to figure out where you are. If the GPS doesn't know your current location, it can't map the route, which is the process.

Speaker 2:

So I think it really comes down to what the listeners need to do is pick a goal that will be meaningful to you any goal And it has to be something that you really want and that is meaningful to you. It doesn't have to be meaningful to anyone else. It has to be meaningful to you And hopefully it's in the service of others. I believe that's important, otherwise it won't be fulfilling. Okay, then you have to say who do I believe I am versus who do I need to believe I am in order to do the process, then you have to dial in a process and, honestly, this is where people get trapped.

Speaker 2:

The process requires them to do something that is outside of their current identity And they don't want to do it because it's super painful. It's identity painful, it's ego level painful. What's a good example? You going from having a sports car to a 2014 Mazda. It messed with your identity. That's why you didn't want to do it. For me, it didn't mess with my identity. If anything, that's an upgrade from the Subaru And I don't hold the identity of someone who drives a $100,000 car or a sports car.

Speaker 2:

I don't care, i don't time my Self-esteem to that whereas I do think, unconsciously most, and I do some of it, some of it, so I don't. I'm guilty of this too. Just the last I think in this context, which is why I freed myself, by the way, and I wasn't always this way. I wasn't always this way before my car accident at 26. I want to make this clear. I Was trapped in my own, a cage of my own making. I Was trapped in the identity of I'm the party guy, everybody likes me, i have tons of friends. I, i am always there for my family. I All these identities, all these beliefs about myself. I'm super smart, but but I'm not that funny. I'm good at math, science, technology and engineering, but I'm not good at writing. Like. I have all these identities, all these I am, all these beliefs about self. And then, when I got in that car accident, it shook my identity and now I had a clean slate. The Phoenix burnt down, harry Potter reference, fox burns down and then is reborn from the ashes. That is what that is and that happened for you after suicidal ideation, and now you had a clean slate where you can reprogram, you can rebuild your identity from scratch. Maybe not fully from scratch, but you know what I'm saying It's almost like you can reprogram the computer now. So, for the listeners, the goals you want in life. If you haven't achieved them yet, it's most likely because the process that is necessary to achieve them is outside of alignment with your current identity. And I've noticed A brief story here.

Speaker 2:

There was someone who's amazing but so stuck. They listened to 450 episodes of our podcast and I came to Kevin afterwards and I said our podcast is not good, man. It's alarming how stuck this person still is. Obviously, our podcast is not helping people get unstuck. What are we doing wrong here? Now I realize coaching and all that kind of stuff like is more more valuable in many ways. Yeah, coaching is more valuable than a podcast. That's a fact. It's more customizable.

Speaker 2:

But this person couldn't even send a DM. They had 300,000 Instagram followers and they couldn't even send a DM. They were so stuck that they couldn't even send a DM to a single prospect And I couldn't believe how uncomfortable they were even with the idea of sending a DM to somebody. That's how trapped human beings can be. He was like shaking. It's like, brother, you can't have a successful business without prospecting.

Speaker 2:

So whatever pain you've got under there, whatever shame, whatever trauma, we have got to work through that identity stuff. And the truth is his identity shrunk down to that's not the type of thing I do, because I've been so hurt in the past and it turns out that his past girlfriend he messaged on Instagram and then he had his heart broken in many ways, right, and so that pain his body is still holding on to. No, no, no, do not Instagram. And he realizes in hindsight that that girl in him, that girl, valued his Instagram more than him, maybe in some ways. So he didn't want to show off the 300,000 followers because he didn't want any fake relationships And I'm not saying that that was a fully fake relationship or anything like that. But the point is is that we get trapped in our own limiting identity And the only way to break it is to kind of do something outside of who you believe you are, and that's why the Amy at the mall story is so powerful, can you?

Speaker 1:

share that. We're gonna have to. We have to do an episode on like the most common stories or something you and I we're gonna have to do that at some point. But Amy, amy D OG, amy, she was on the team um, alan's first client she was. She was here for a long, long, long time, one of the one of the OG, the originals. She was afraid to approach strangers. She was at school and she she was afraid to go up to somebody and start a conversation. She felt like she was stuck on the outside of conversations all the time. So she reached out to me and said, hey, what do I do about this? So Amy and I went to the mall and, long story short, i had her approach people and start conversations.

Speaker 1:

Quite, literally to Alan's point, the direct opposite of what her identity was. I am not the type of person that it starts conversations. I am the type of person who is shy. I am the type of person who avoids deep conversations, whatever it may be. And then she ended up starting to reshape her identity after that. But it was just a simple this is who you've convinced yourself you are. This is who you need to become in order to get the result you want Come do that with me. And then that that built a lot of momentum for her.

Speaker 1:

You know what's interesting? I was, uh, who was I talking to recently? I was talking to somebody recently. Oh, two clients I actually have calls with them today And they said we want to rename our podcast. And I was like I got you, Like that's my jam, it's like my specialty, i'm really good at that. I didn't start there, though I didn't start having the identity of. I am really good at naming things. I didn't start there. Here's what happens At this point. I have titled 1300, and you've definitely titled some, so I'll just say 1300 podcast episodes.

Speaker 2:

But give you less listens.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we'll give you 60, we'll give you 64 of them, 65 of them, And as I continued and continued and continued, there would be some sort of feedback. Like I would say a title and I would be like, oh, that's a good one. Or somebody would say that was a really good title. Then I started coaching people and I would go to somebody and say, what do you want your podcast to be named? And they'd say I have no idea. And I'd say, all right, give me an idea of like what's the show going to be about. And then I would just start throwing things at them And people would say, wow, you're really good at this.

Speaker 1:

And I'd say, no, no, no, no, i've just done it. I've done it a bunch of times. I've done it a bunch of times. That happens, that happens, that happens, that happens. One of my clients messages me and says, hey, i'm planning on doing a TEDx talk. I want you to name it. And I was like I am not ready for that. But then we jam on that And eventually it gets to the point where my identity is I'm Kevin. I'm really good at naming stuff, but it didn't start that way.

Speaker 2:

Because the way that I would have done that process is I'd say I'm the naming guy And then I would just go get good at naming it.

Speaker 1:

I don't know how to get. For me it wasn't because I don't know.

Speaker 2:

You stumbled upon being good at this.

Speaker 1:

Well, did I stumble upon it or did I have to be good at this? I just didn't know.

Speaker 2:

I think you had to be good at it. You uncovered it And then you self-assigned it eventually. The problem is you weren't self-assigning before, and I'll go briefly about this and maybe this is another episode, i don't know at some point.

Speaker 2:

There's someone that I coach who is amazing, but she has this very small identity of I'm not amazing and it's alarming to me because she's like well, i'm just very ordinary. I'm like, no, you're not. No, you're not Statistically. No, you're not. That's not true, it's inaccurate. But our mind messes with us, and so I can name 10 things that are extraordinary. Aka, what does ordinary mean above average? Ordinary means average, extraordinary means above average. So I can name 10 things right now that you're above average And she's like I'm like do you not self-assign that? She's like no, i don't think I do. Here's what I figured out, and I hope this is a breakthrough for our listeners.

Speaker 1:

Can you just define self-assign?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So self-assign means I'm going to be a successful podcaster and then, when you become a successful podcaster, you go. I did that. You self-assign it in your own head.

Speaker 1:

Take ownership for results. Take ownership for it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, like I bought this laptop, i got good at communicating, even though I sucked at it. That was me who decided to do that and then went and did what it took to do it. And then, when I become stronger at communication, i self-assign it, which is how I built belief, and that's tied into identity. So, because identity is just belief about self. So this person, she said, i think what I'm doing, this was a really cool moment. I think I'm afraid to own it because then, once I own it, if it gets criticized, it's criticizing me. In other words, and I'll go brief about this, but, kev, like I remember thinking to myself, like you listen to some of these podcasts, right? It's like well, kev, don't tie your self-worth, don't tie your identity to your relationship. Don't tie it to your car either. Also, don't tie it to your fitness. Honestly, you shouldn't really tie it to your house and don't tie it to your career. Don't tie it to your family, like, don't tie your identity to like you know, whether or not you're in shape. Don't tie your identity to how much you know or your intelligence. Don't tie your identity And it's like wait a minute, whoa, whoa, whoa. What should I tie my identity to Like you're supposed to build self-esteem through merit, through actual achievement. You can't just like.

Speaker 2:

Now I understand what they're trying to say. What they're actually trying to say with that is don't tie your identity to any one thing, because then it traps you. If you tie your identity entirely to that BMW and then you lose the BMW, who are you Right? But you should tie your identity to everything your health, your wealth and your love. Now I treat Emilia as part of my identity 100%. I am a wonderful partner, i told, and I'll be brief about this, but I said to Amelia before we live together, i said I'll be the best roommate you've ever had. And she's like I'm scared. I'm like I understand why. I mean you, you've lived with guys before and it was probably not good Like guys living with guys. For our listeners, probably you know you went to college. You saw the college apartments I mean dude Female dorms versus male dorms, very different in terms of cleanliness, and I haven't been to many, but I can imagine.

Speaker 2:

So, anyways, in college she had seen how men Live and granted its college. But the point is is she was afraid to live with a guy. I said, sweetheart, i've lived with a partner before. It's the past. Like it's gonna be amazing. Don't worry, i'll be the best roommate you've ever had.

Speaker 2:

That was my identity. I know I'm cleanly, i know I'm organized, i know I'm respectful. I know that I'm gonna protect her time, i'm gonna protect her sleep. I know. But that's also because I believe in myself. That's also because I have those capabilities and I've developed them over years. Whereas I wouldn't say I can fix your car, i don't know how to fix her car. So I think that, to bring this all home, we don't want to self-assign results to us, because we're afraid that if the results get criticized, then what does that mean about me? So I just posted a blog today. It's my blog, i decided to write it, i wrote it and whether it's successful or a failure, that's on me, that's on me. People want to avoid feeling like failures. What they're also avoiding is building belief, because if you don't take ownership for it, it wasn't you and this is all unconscious. It's just a protection mechanism.

Speaker 1:

So three identity process goals identity, your identity, the process and the goal, those are the three Big things that turn anyone wants help aligning those, reach out.

Speaker 2:

That is literally what my coaching is. Most people have goals that are just outside of alignment with what they're willing to do and their identity.

Speaker 1:

Alan mentioned, if you Understand the fundamentals of anything really, if you understand the fundamentals and you do them long enough, you will achieve some level of result, maybe, and oftentimes, beyond what you believed was possible. Last night in group coaching We did our how to level up your money Session I think session five right and we talked a lot about the fundamentals of money. It's way more simple than you think. Don't make it as complicated as you think. If something like that resonates with you, our next group Coaching starts July 11th, 6 pm, eastern Standard Time. Again, at the end of the day, what you know, your awareness, what you're practicing every single day that is going to Determine the results you have.

Speaker 1:

So in group coaching we're focused on helping you raise your awareness of what you need to be doing, but also the awareness of who you are as a human being and then helping you stay accountable. So if you're interested, check the link in the show notes. Please reach out. We have a discount code for listeners of NLU. It ends up being less than 97 a month, something like that. 96 96.

Speaker 2:

Kevin and I, as you know, grew up without fathers And we wanted to give back. We started the next level hope foundation to give back to children of single parents And we host two events a year. One is father's day and one is during the holidays. The father's day one is coming up June 18th, so we are currently 11 days out. Click the link in the show notes. You can contribute from anywhere in the world. I think we're almost at goal. I think we're over halfway there and if you are local, you can potentially get involved as well. So email me, alan, at nextleveluniversecom. Click the link in the show notes. Please check out the landing page. Check out the kids. See what's going on. We. It's a very, very fun event and we've got sports and food and activities and There's some kids that are like literally looking forward to this all year, so it's really cool.

Speaker 1:

We get to play like kids, which is always fun.

Speaker 1:

We don't often so but when we do we've been would do tomorrow for episode number 1364, a very simple Fundamental that you may need to be reminded of self-care isn't selfish, alan. I have been talking about boundaries and we've been talking about Sticking up for yourself and protecting your time, so I think that is a very timely episode. As always, we love you, appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and an L you. We do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Keep shaping your identity and aligning them with your goals in your process. Next definition

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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