Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
#1382 - A Helpful Way To Stick With The Boundaries You Set
Have you ever wondered what truly stands between you and your goals? Guess what, it's not always about time management or motivation but about setting boundaries. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros share illustrate the necessity of setting boundaries and preparing for potential pushbacks. They dissect the art of saying 'no,' guiding your time, and focusing on your priorities. It's all about being clear and courageous enough to communicate your boundaries to those involved. Believing in ourselves and our goals is a crucial aspect of boundaries. Often overlooked, it's the foundation on which our boundaries stand. We explore how the ability to set and stick to boundaries, especially in the face of peer pressure, reflects our self-belief. Remember, boundaries aren't just restrictions but bridges to success.
Links mentioned:
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Show notes:
[4:05] Plan in advance
[6:51] Blame the goal
[10:26] Anticipate pushback to your boundaries
[15:53] Set boundaries and stick with it
[16:16] Derek Smith shares his experience with Group Coaching and how it can change your life
[18:20] Setting boundaries for yourself
[22:09] Decide in advance and commit
[29:18] Outro
Okay and it's a good one, it's a really it's a good one. And the the other. I'm gonna communicate as effectively as possible. What are you plugging?
Speaker 2:What should I plug? should we make?
Speaker 1:something new, plug no.
Speaker 2:My cell phone number and my home address.
Speaker 1:Focus on focus on group coaching son Okay.
Speaker 2:In my ocean.
Speaker 1:Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. What can I do? that's probably pretty good right there yeah, you 123456.
Speaker 2:all right, you ready man, they bring the energy real quick. All right, i got this here we go next level nation.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to another very special, as always, episode of next level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode, episode number 1381 today. Oh sorry, are you saying no enough today for episode number 1382? a helpful way to stick with the boundaries you set. So, as I mentioned, this kind of connects to the previous episode, but I had a really good story for this and I do think this is actually something that I'm fairly good at. So I thought maybe I would share that on this episode and hopefully somebody takes some value from it.
Speaker 2:So I went to or I was planning on going to a family gathering on Saturday and Right now I am dieting. I'm eating 1686 calories per day. I am Focused on losing I don't know what it is 13 pounds in the next 11 weeks or something, probably 10 weeks now. So I got a speed up. I'm behind based on the surgery I got. It's a whole thing. But I had the plan to go to this cook out on Saturday and after the cookout I was gonna buzz down to Matt's house and I was gonna hang with Matt. I haven't seen Matt since our Event and I don't know the last time I saw him before that, so it's been Probably three months, at least three months, maybe more. So I told Matt, i said, hey, what do you want to do for food? That's just our thing. We always say that what do you want to do for food? He's like dude, i'm up for whatever. All right, cool, i have 1700 calories, we'll figure it out. So in my mind I'm going through okay, this is how my day is gonna go. Let me plan. What time do I have to leave? All right, cool, then this is what I do. After that, when I go to this cookout as family gathering, most likely I'm going to be offered food. All right, that's just part for the course. That's what happens at a cookout. I'm most I'll I'll be offered alcoholic beverages. Most likely I plan in advance the Kind of run through the, the scenario in my head of what somebody's gonna say and then how to deal with it.
Speaker 2:So in my mind it was like okay, who do I have to worry about? potentially Not guilting me, but feeling bad or feeling some type of way. Okay, let me, let me think about those people. In my mind It's like all right, cool. What would that conversation actually look like? It's gonna be something along the lines of Hey, kev, what do you want to eat? I'm not gonna eat anything. I'm saving my calories for later. Come on, you have to eat. We cooked a bunch of food. You can't. You can't go hungry, like where there's gonna be so many leftovers. Right in my mind, i'm working through okay, well, what would I say? and This didn't happen, which I'm very grateful for.
Speaker 2:But I've also realized, alan, that I do this on coaching calls, i do this on team calls. I'm always going into the call and I immediately say this is my boundary. So, hey, i Do this with clients all the time. Hey, i have a hard stop at the top of the hour, just so you know. Or I do this when I go on other podcasts. Hey, i have a. I have a hard stop at 30 past the hour, just to let you know.
Speaker 2:I just want to make sure that I don't catch you by surprise when we get close to my time limit. So helpful way to stick with the boundaries you set. It's a long title. I like to plan in advance and walk myself through what it's going to be like if somebody pushes back against my boundaries, because I think a lot of us get taken off by surprise or we're off guard when somebody says I don't know, like in my analogy, hey, what do you want to eat Right there? if you don't already have the boundary in your mind, you might just say I don't know, i'll just have meatballs and spaghetti, because if you don't do it in your mind, you don't really know how you're going to react. I've seen that with people a lot where the pressure and the what's the word when you get forced to drink Peer pressure, the peer pressure kind of turns off the boundary. Well, he's smirking behind your microphone.
Speaker 1:I wanted to ask you a question. No, no, no, go on Okay. Question All right. So you're not the first person in the world This is something everyone deals with who has a diet and it sucks and you go somewhere with food and you get offered food. This is very common. How do you actually keep the boundary? Not when someone guilt you or peer pressures you, but like let's go even deeper than that. Like why, why are you keeping that boundary? Why is that so important? How do you actually do it?
Speaker 2:I think there's layers to it. Number one I don't want to let myself down And I've said publicly on this podcast I'm going to lose X amount of weight. I intend on doing that. That's an intention, i'm going to do it. I'm the one getting up and going to the gym and I'm doing cardio and I'm tracking every calorie. The last thing I'm going to do is let myself go on the weekend because somebody else guilt me into it. I don't give somebody that kind of power. Number two when you do it once, it's easier for it to happen again.
Speaker 2:So one of the unique things about setting boundaries is usually, when you start to set boundaries, people start pushing back less and less and less and less over time, because they start to understand this is just how Kev is. That's another part of it is almost like it's just brick by brick, and it gets easier to set boundaries too as you go on. I was and I know this isn't relatable, but I was actually a little bit excited to have the opportunity to hold up my boundary. I was excited for somebody to say, hey, you got to eat, come on. And then I was just going to say, no, i mean, i appreciate it And, trust me, i want to, i very much want to eat, but I have a.
Speaker 2:I'm on a very strict diet right now, as I have very specific goals and a specific date, and this could throw it off. So you blame the other. You don't blame anything, but blame the goal. The goal doesn't have feelings. I just blame the goal And that's worked really, really well. That works for me, and then I. Then, i think you, start to build When you say I want to lose how many pounds.
Speaker 2:It was one eight four today. It's not real. I'm probably like one eighty two right now, so 12 pounds, okay, so you just say I want to lose 12 pounds.
Speaker 1:in how many weeks? Nine and a half. Nine and a half It's almost like you go in with that ammunition, for lack of better phrasing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like when someone comes and tries to infringe on a boundary, you say well, I'm, my goal is to lose 12 pounds in nine and a half weeks, So I can't. Yeah, What are they going to say? They can't argue with that. You see how specific it is. Versus like I'm not hungry, It's like well, eat anyway, or or so I would take some, take some home, take some home with you.
Speaker 2:It's like, well, no, I'm not going to eat it. Even if I take it home, I won't eat it. That's another thing.
Speaker 1:It's almost what you did prior. It all of it is what you did prior. Yeah, i was thinking about this. I was going into leg day last night and Emilia and I were going to try to PR on squats and deadlifts And because on Monday we were at the vet ER until five 30 in the morning, i haven't done mobility last two days And so I'm like I don't know. I don't know if I should try to PR when my mobility hasn't been on point And I had this moment where I was like how I perform in the gym has a lot more to do with what I do outside the gym.
Speaker 1:You know, if I didn't carb up right, that's affecting my strength big time. If I haven't slept well, that's affecting my strength big time. If I haven't done mobility, that's affecting my strength big time. If I haven't hydrated which I didn't because I was in the ER I wasn't in the ER, my cat was, and she's okay, by the way, but it's. Your performance in the gym is entirely predicated on what you've done prior to the gym. Same with boundaries.
Speaker 1:You committed to the goal in yourself you have a plan and you have clarity around what you're going to say when you, when you have the boundary pushed back on. So it's it's going to be 1000 times easier for you than someone who doesn't have a plan, hasn't committed to it. It's like, well, I don't really want to eat that much. See how vague that is. This is why people in show prep do so well. They always lose the weight because there's so much on the line You can't get on stage. You know at a shape you can, but you really don't want to, And so the commitment level is higher. Therefore, the intensity is higher when you, when you hold the boundary up.
Speaker 2:I like practicing it in advance. It's nice to practice it. It's almost like a test run, kind of It's like a it's a dress rehearsal. You get to imagine what it would be like if somebody pushed back on it. You know, this is the interesting thing, and this is not to shame you in any way, shape or form. You remember a time where you guilt tripped me right. That's something you never try to do, so obviously you remember that thing. One of the reasons I got caught that day is because I didn't anticipate you doing it to me.
Speaker 1:So when you did it to me I didn't have any ammo.
Speaker 2:You're here, you're here, you're here. Usually I would say like, well, i'm super busy, you're here, so I kind of lose that because you're my business partner, you're busy than I am, damn. I know you ain't doing nothing, all right, so I lost my ammo on that a little bit, because I didn't anticipate that. But I think it's really good to go into a situation and imagine what it would be like for somebody to say you're not going to eat or you're not going to drink.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, shame around that moment for sure. Well, i don't want to guilt trip people.
Speaker 2:I don't want to put shame on that, and the pizza was good, but so imagine if you knew your comeback. Well, i'll sit at the table with you, but no, i probably won't have anything. And no, it's not going to be weird for me. Let's just enjoy your food. It's not a big deal, or I can only stay till seven. I'd love to stay longer, but I can't. That was another.
Speaker 1:People ask why, why can't you, and what do you have?
Speaker 2:I have a previous engagement. I'm going to see a buddy who I haven't seen in four months. I only get to see him three times a year, yeah.
Speaker 1:This is the hardest part of goals, definitely. But the moment you set a goal that you really want to achieve, you pretty much have to like.
Speaker 2:You have to advocate for it, because not?
Speaker 1:nobody else, but Until you get the goal.
Speaker 2:Nobody else really cares, nobody. Here's the thing. Nobody should care as much about your goals as you do.
Speaker 1:No, as a matter of fact, they don't. They care about the relationship with you more than your goals.
Speaker 2:Yeah, understandably, and I was pleasant. I didn't get any pushback, i got nothing. It was wonderful.
Speaker 1:The story that I wanted to share. What was it? What was it? Oh yeah, i was in the gym and someone called me. I listened to music and or motivational videos in the gym while I'm working out And I use my AirPods and I try really hard to set the timer for 30 minutes or 45 minutes whatever it is anywhere between 30 and 45 minutes and just go ham until the timer goes off And I try to get into flow, get into the zone. So when I get calls, it bothers me so much, particularly if it's some unknown marketing number or whatever. Usually I just block it, move forward. I get a call And the AirPods were new and they announced to me who it was And Siri is basically like oh, s-i-r-i is basically like do you want to answer it? No, they call again. They call again And then I go and I have Siri text. It's always hard to say S-I-R-I because she's going to hear me.
Speaker 2:The phone.
Speaker 1:So I have her text. The person say I'm in the gym, i'll call you back By the end of it. I see the text message after my workout And I think first I checked it to make sure it wasn't an emergency.
Speaker 2:I did.
Speaker 1:I remember checking to make sure it wasn't an emergency. But by that point I'm frustrated, right, i'm out of the zone, you know, blah, blah, blah. So anyways, i checked the text, i realized it's not an emergency. And then at the end of the workout I say I say from now on, if it's not an emergency, please don't call me twice, don't call me two times in a row if it's not urgent, if it's not an emergency, because it makes me think something went wrong, it makes me think something's urgent. I don't. Oh, i saw this really amazing movie. You'll like Tell me that after the gym, right And again at the end of the day. This is a boundary. So that person I hope will never do that again, unless it actually is an emergency. Because if you call me two times within five minutes, i'm going to assume something is drastically wrong. And again, i know that that isn't super relatable either, but I do think it's important. Right, my workouts and my goals matter to me more And I think that as a young man I used to not be strong enough or courageous enough to say that I care more about my workout and my goals than I do about this phone call.
Speaker 1:I just do, and that's okay. It sounds harsh, it sounds mean. People guilt-trip you And, honestly, this person that I'm referring to. They would benefit if their workouts mattered more. Like you are so upset that you're struggling in fitness, but if you set boundaries, like I did, you'd be in shape too. You know, and that's what I value. I value working out, i value fitness, and Emilia said this so eloquently on our podcast, the Conscious Couples podcast.
Speaker 1:She said a boundary is nothing more or less than protecting and honoring a core value. Protecting and honoring a core value. Of course I'm frustrated with that person when my core value is fitness, my core value is peak performance. My core value is goals and dreams, and the boundary I've set is please don't call me, making it seem like it's an emergency when it's definitely not, because it takes me out of flow, and so that's just one example, but there's a thousand of these. And to Kevin's original point eventually people do stop. Not a lot of people call me anymore. Stop picking up and people stop calling, and that's a beautiful thing, i mean. Sometimes it's really nice to be spending your days focused on things that you value most. And, don't get me wrong, there's lonely parts. It's like sometimes you wish someone would call, but you can't have it both ways. You either set the boundary and stick with it or you don't, and you're not going to achieve your goals if you don't have any boundaries. If you're not, that was my biggest issue. Hands down Still is in many ways.
Speaker 2:It's interesting because when you decide that you want to accomplish something that nobody can see, it's your job to protect your goals by setting boundaries. Now I think that's the other thing too that I have is, i've always kind of been on a strict time schedule And even when I wasn't an entrepreneur, i was a bodybuilder and I had to be in and then, like my job, i had to be in different states at different times. So when I said I had to leave somewhere at a certain time, i left. It just was. That was just the way it is, because for me it's not there's a high, there's just a lot of necessity. There's a lot of necessity for me to say hey, like, for example, i slept over Matt, so usually when I go down there, it's like an hour and 15 minute ride. I usually stay over. There's a guest bedroom, i have my own bed, but, like, if we have a whiskey or a couple of whiskies, obviously I'm not going to drive right. And he's like I don't know how you always get up so early, like we'll go to bed at two and you'll get up at six and go home. It's like I have to because I decided that.
Speaker 2:I decided the night before that, i have to get up early. I already know that when I'm counting down like four hours. Here's the thing, though This is the interesting thing I don't set the boundary of. I have to be in bed by midnight Because, for me, i'd rather spend time with Matt, i'd rather lose a night of sleep. I'm okay with that. I understand what comes on the back end of that, but then I have to. So here's the thing. I'm not setting a boundary with him. Really, i'm setting a boundary with myself of when the alarm goes off at six, i'm going to get up and I'm going to drive an hour and 15 minutes home And then I'm going to work, because that's what me not setting a boundary on the other end is creating. So, even to the point of just alignment and core values, my core value is spending time with him. I'll sleep. I'll sleep more tonight.
Speaker 1:Boundaries are all about alignment, Yeah yeah, for sure. Setting a boundary is to stay aligned with what you value and what you want to achieve.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think you regret when you let them fall, because then it's not only is somebody unintentionally or intentionally taking you off track, but you know it. That's one of the reasons I think we kind of resent ourselves when we don't withhold, don't uphold our boundaries, because you know, subconsciously you're behind.
Speaker 1:I had a moment yesterday. I went to the gym at six and normally I work 10 to seven minimum. you know. morning routine again another boundary right Wake up, first call doesn't start till 10. That's on purpose, so I can do my morning routine and then from 10 to seven I work, and I try really hard not to go outside of that Because otherwise I get overwhelmed and it trickles. So like if, let's say, i take one day where I don't work till seven, i'll feel it, you know, and that's on purpose. So anyways, i end up, you and I stopped recording at Five, i think no three.
Speaker 2:Three.
Speaker 1:Emilia and I go to the Tesla dealership. She just got a new Tesla. I get back at like 530. I go carb up, i get ready for the gym. Her and I are like, okay, what's rock and roll? you wanna go to the gym? It's early, it's six. I get frustrated when we get there. We took the new Tesla, which was awesome thing is sweet. But we get there and I'm all pissed off Pissed off's the wrong word frustrated. The gym is swamped. Of course It's six o'clock. I forgot. Yeah, right for me.
Speaker 1:I don't like to go until at least 730. And there's a reason for that. Everything is set up for a reason, but sometimes you forget, so you slide the boundary and then you pay for it. So we did leg day and it was an absolute madhouse and we got through it. Right, we're not gonna leave. But I remembered after, on our walk back to the Tesla. I literally sweetheart, because we take our air pods out while we're walking and I'm like, babe, never again. Like there's a reason we don't go until 730. You know, and that's the truth, we're not gonna do that again. Let's set that boundary.
Speaker 1:So Emilia and I have a bunch of boundaries. I'll just share ours. So one boundary is in bed by 10, latest 11,. Obviously that goes off the rails occasionally, but that's the goal. The target is 10, latest 11. We don't set alarms, we focus on sleep. No phones in the bedroom. Another boundary The chargers are out of the room. Wake up first call doesn't start till 10, i think for her it's nine, done with work by seven latest 730. And we have stuck to that. And then we transition from there to the gym and then we come home, we spend time. We're 482 days in a row of exercise as of 483 as of tonight.
Speaker 1:I think, or yesterday. March 1st 2022 is when we started. I usually ask S-I-R-I to remind me when it is So. Anyways, how, like, how is that even possible? A lot of people struggle, quite frankly, to work out for even a couple weeks. How do we do that?
Speaker 1:boundaries, we decided in advance. It's commit. we decided in advance together as a team that we're not gonna miss, and we have boundaries around when we go. I'm not sometimes going in the morning, sometimes going at night, sometimes going in the afternoon. I mean occasionally. If things switch, i'll still do that, but not really. It's because of these boundaries that these guidelines that we're able to. You know, it's not even a negotiable like okay, today, when 7pm hits, i'm gonna be done working, emilia and I are gonna go downstairs and we're gonna start transitioning to the gym. That's just what we do now, and when we go travel, we always look for a gym and or something we're gonna do to work out ahead of time. It's all planning, it's preparation, it's commitment, it's boundaries And, the very last thing I'll say, the next level nugget Showed out to Jerry Ann for that, yeah, the next level golden nugget, next level nugget is boundaries.
Speaker 1:the purpose of boundaries is to stay aligned with what you value most and what you wanna achieve most.
Speaker 2:And if you can plan in the future. When you go somewhere, you think, what do I need? I need my wallet, i need my phone, i need my keys, maybe I need a charger, extra contacts, whatever, right, whatever it is, depending on where you're traveling. But you're thinking what would it be like if I didn't have those things? I would go into every experience you can with the thought process of what if somebody pushes back all my boundaries, because it most likely I mean it may happen. And then if you can preface it with going into a situation and then just stating this is my boundary, that works really well. Hey, just so you know I have to leave at five. That works really, really, really well because it's not.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing. You're not surprising someone else with your boundary, everybody's aware of it. So everybody can kinda act differently if they choose, versus if I show up at three and I tell you I'm leaving at five, you might say I wish I knew I would have spent more time with you. It's like, oh, that's on me, right? So I think just putting it out there is huge. Just letting people become aware of it is big. And then you becoming aware of what that might look like, you start to see patterns, you know certain people that push back, you might wanna let them know before you get there.
Speaker 1:Definitely You text them like hey, by the way, i do have to leave it noon or whatever. Yeah, i already was thinking about the fourth of July. I have calls and I'm like how am I gonna? like, am I gonna? I don't know, i don't know yet.
Speaker 2:Who's gonna invite you anywhere?
Speaker 1:son. Well, we got some stuff going on.
Speaker 2:You have some stuff.
Speaker 1:No, I think what we're gonna do is the Sunday prior, which I think is the second.
Speaker 2:It's a Tuesday, yeah.
Speaker 1:The fourth is a Tuesday, yeah, so I think it's gonna be the Sunday prior But the point is is I'm already thinking about the boundaries that need to be set And, very last thing, promised The higher your goals are, the higher you're aiming, the more strict your boundaries have to be. Yeah, olympic athletes have ridiculously strict boundaries. Professional athletes they cannot lose sleep Like they have to be very strict. So the higher you aim, the more strict your boundaries will have to be, and that's why I think most people's pain either comes from not achieving their goals or from social, because the more you focus on achieving your goals, the harder social interactions will be, and the more you focus on your social circles, the less you'll typically achieve your goals. Not always There's a way to integrate, but it's very difficult to have high goals and enjoy carefree wandering.
Speaker 2:I'm glad we did this one. It connects nicely to the previous episode, but I think those good, those next level nuggets, the tangible stuff, there's that shift. It's a simple shift but when you go into an experience with that thought, i think it just adds value. So I'm glad we did this episode. Next level nation we have a brand new curriculum for group coaching. It is the right speed for you where you are in life. It is supportive, it is inclusive. It is a great experience. You're going to learn a lot, yes, but you're going to learn a lot about yourself and you're going to meet other people And I think, at the end of the day, that's what we all want. We all want to belong, we want to find our tribe. Group coaching will be your tribe. It starts July 11th. Link is in the show notes.
Speaker 1:If someone's out there and they're on the fence about group coaching, why should they do it from your perspective?
Speaker 2:Because if you listen to this podcast, you're already invested in your health and your wealth and your love and your growth and your self-improvement And there's only so many things we can talk about on the podcast so specifically. So imagine if you heard this episode and you said, yeah, but when it comes to this boundary and this person, i struggle the most. We can talk about that in group coaching, for sure. That's the beauty of it. It's just more custom. It's just more custom, and most of our audience has never had a coach, and that's okay. I didn't have a coach at the beginning of this either and maybe aren't ready to jump into one-on-one coaching. Group coaching is a great place to test it out. It's cheap, it's affordable. I don't like saying it's cheap, it's affordable. The commitment isn't huge. The time commitment is every other week, so it fits nicely. Yeah, all those reasons.
Speaker 1:I wish there was a sports team that didn't have any coaching, so you could see how much they would get stomped. It's interesting, right, Because group coaching is the same as like. Think about high school. You were on baseball teams. Imagine you didn't have a coach. No batting coach.
Speaker 1:No head coach. No, you know what I mean. You just be playing wiffle ball kind of, and coaching is how you get better. It's awesome. So I hope you join us. I hope you join us. Okay. Also, book club How emotions are made by Lisa Feldman Barrett.
Speaker 1:We have a book club every single Saturday, 12 30 pm Eastern Standard Time. This is our 11th book we've got through now, but there's still a couple chapters left. You do not have to join book club having read the book. You can jump in, read the chapter and just join us for that chapter. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. So I really a lot of people are like that with books, kev. They're like, well, i have to read the whole thing, start to finish. No, no, you don't. Each chapter is its own, has its own golden nuggets in it, and you can join us for a chapter. So the link to register will be in the show notes, the link to the landing page on the website will be in the show notes and then just fill out the form, say your first and last name. I got an email recently from a listener that said Hey, i want in, so I hope that you send me an email tomorrow for episode number 1383.
Speaker 2:A simple reason why so many of us don't believe in ourselves. It's actually a simple reason reason why so many people don't believe in themselves. Simple reason, simple reason It's been a long day, it's been a long month.
Speaker 2:Hunting rabbits. So, yeah, we're going to talk about that tomorrow. Please join us. We would love to have you. We would love to have you there. I have to go because I have a. I'm literally on a podcast in two minutes, so I got to pull it together. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and an NLU. We do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Keep those boundaries.
Speaker 1:Next level nation.
Speaker 2:Set good Set good reasons.
Speaker 1:Set good reasons.
