Next Level University

#1384 - The Upside Of “Not Fitting In”

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros talk about the feeling that you don't belong and that it is okay. Not only is it okay, but it's also the beginning of a beautiful journey toward discovering who you really are. They share their personal tales of discomfort and internal battles, unraveling the gifts hidden in these seemingly painful experiences - the birth of a new identity, pursuing passions that genuinely matter, and setting extraordinary goals.

Venturing deeper, they explore the intriguing interplay between our core beliefs and evolving relationships. Have you ever wondered how your aspirations shape your beliefs, or how friendships can morph as you grow? They got this covered. Through candid discussions, they uncover the friction that can arise when our aspirations diverge from those of others and how our core values influence our relationships. The journey calls for tough decisions - what to sacrifice and what not to. So, listen to this episode and get a fresh perspective on the unmatched power of being different and our beliefs' profound role in shaping our relationships.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
To learn more about group coaching - https://nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/

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Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
[4:08] The internal battle
[7:26] If you fear being alone...
[12:51] Derek Smith shares his experience with Group Coaching and how it can change your life
[16:08] Your core beliefs have to be congruent with your core aspirations
[25:50] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

forever, forever, forever, forever, forever. One, two, three. I already did it.

Speaker 2:

Never mind, ignore one, two, three, that's what I was gonna do yeah four, five, six five, four five, six, one, two, three five, five, four, five, four, three, one, two, three, one, two, three four, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one two, three, four, six.

Speaker 2:

I think that was good that time, was it no? one, two, three, four, five, six. Nice, i think I'm gonna. Let's do it. So we got to do Saturday, sunday, monday. We have to get this and two more. Now, if we boogie, we're okay. We're gonna be okay as long as we 21, 23, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six. That last one, i think, was 32, 20, aim for 20. Okay, okay, me too, not just you. There we go.

Speaker 2:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level University, where we teach you how to level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Happy Saturday. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1383.

Speaker 2:

A simple reason why so many people don't believe in themselves. We talked all about time today for episode number 1384 the upside of not fitting in. So maybe you're imagining or thinking to yourself right now how could there possibly be an upside to me not feeling like I fit in? I was talking to somebody recently and this person was being very vulnerable with me which I'm always grateful for when I'm talking to somebody and they said you know, it's hard. I I'm in these different group chats with people who are watching baseball every night and talking about fantasy baseball and talking about all this stuff, and I don't feel like I'm part of that anymore. I don't feel like I'm one of them, i don't feel like I belong in that group anymore. And this was a very interesting moment for me because, as a what I would consider a somewhat seasoned entrepreneur now, i mean, obviously we have a long, long, long way to go to to figure all this out. We never will, but six years is a good amount of time to be an entrepreneur, full time entrepreneur.

Speaker 1:

I said look, don't make it there right right 94% of businesses fail within the first five years. So we are. We are in the top 6% of all business.

Speaker 2:

I will take that. I tried to give a perspective from that, from that level of experience. I said look from a, from a human experience, i have a ton of empathy and I can imagine that really sucks. It probably really sucks because you feel like your identity is starting to shift and you're not sure where it's going and you're, you're kind of miss your old identity and some of the creature comforts that came with that. I said, as an entrepreneur, entrepreneur to entrepreneur, i am so excited for you that that's happening, because the opposite of that probably isn't good for you. You're not going to get to where you want to get to.

Speaker 2:

I know we did a similar episode a while ago where we were talking about being lonely. Sometimes being lonely is not a bad thing. This is very much in the same line where, in order this is the interesting thing in order to fit in with a new audience, a new identity, a new crowd, you kind of have to not fit in where you are first, and then you go through lonely lands and you go through this time of questioning everything and trying to figure out who you are and eventually you start to figure out who you're becoming and the downside of fitting in certain circles is just as important as the upside of fitting in another ones. And that's what I was trying to convey to this person is I know it sucks. And your natural tendency is going to say or to be I want to get more of that. I want, i need to find a way to get back into that environment. I need to find a way to get back into that circle. I need to find a way to make more time for whatever it may be.

Speaker 2:

And I said honestly, i think part of this is the internal battle of you knowing you're not going to be able to do that like everybody else. And I said, i know that sucks. Trust me, trust me, i have become very, very, very particular about what I'm willing to dedicate myself to, because I know there's only a couple things. Right, i love watching fights, so that's something I do, but that's Saturday night, so that's easy enough. But like I'm not an avid, you know, i don't really watch hockey. I don't really watch football, i don't really watch bad. I don't really watch anything else because I get kind of that one vice and that's what I choose to use it on. But I feel like an outsider when people are talking about sports. I don't feel like I fit in. I remember when I used to live down where closer to where Allen lives, i would go to the barber shop and use. I think you still go to that barber shop.

Speaker 1:

And I remember yeah same same.

Speaker 2:

I remember thinking to myself I don't, i do not fit in here. I don't know what's going on with the music that they're listening to. I don't know what's going on with the sports teams. I have no clue what's going on. I would just sit there like an idiot. I would just fall asleep. When I got my hair cut because I didn't, i didn't feel like I fit in either. But what if? if I fit in there when I fit in here? that's an interesting, important question to ask.

Speaker 1:

I mean, think about where you'd be if you did fit in, because I feel the same way. Yeah, i can imagine, but this is one thing that I don't think a lot of people want to admit, and we're all about uncomfortable truths that I know. You, if you do want an extraordinary life, you're not going to be able to fit in doing ordinary things. So and this is a question for everyone, all of our listeners Is it possible to live an extraordinary, magnificent, exceptional life without doing extraordinary, magnificent, exceptional things? And the answer that I've come up with is absolutely not. And what I mean by ordinary is common. What I mean by ordinary is average.

Speaker 1:

So if you look at any bell curve, i mean the most common restaurant in the world is McDonald's. You know, and I have nothing against McDonald's, i love McFlurries, love them, and I get McDonald's occasionally. But if I got McDonald's every day, i'm not going to have an extraordinary physique, and I think that that's just. We feel the pain of the downside long before we get the benefits of the upside. To this person that you're referring to, they're feeling the pain of not fitting in now, but what they don't realize is that not fitting in in that group is actually what's best for them.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And they're going to have outcomes that are unbelievable. that will be because they were willing to not fit in in that group.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, And that's it's a very hard thing to work through. It's very hard because you can feel everything shifting and it's a scary thing. I mean, if one of your biggest fears is being alone, i can understand why you'd say you know what, i don't know. I don't know if I want to keep growing like this, because what happens if I do? Like what's the safety net on that end? Like who are the people holding the safety net on that end? I completely understand, now more than ever, because I've seen that very, very often for people, but I don't know. I think that's how you end up with regret.

Speaker 2:

You end up with regret doing this, that stuff forever, right, And again, maybe, maybe baseball. If baseball to you is like UFC is to me or mixed martial arts is to me like I understand, not wanting to lose that, i, i will not lose that. It's very important to me that I don't lose that because I love it. I have such a passion for the sport I'm, i train like I love I'm wearing a UFC sweatshirt right now. I don't even know that I love it. It lights me up, i I'm. There is a fight next Saturday. I'm already not this Saturday, not tonight, if you're listening.

Speaker 2:

Next week I am so excited to watch this. I cannot explain it Like I'm excited. You can see me get animated, but I love that. Right, i love, i love the sport. That's not something I want to give up. But if Alan came to me and said Hey, man, you know you can't watch UFC every night, you're not going to be able to watch UFC every night. If they have like fights on at one o'clock on in the afternoon on a Wednesday, like you're not going to be able to do that, i understand, of course I'm not going to be able to do that during the week.

Speaker 1:

Unless you don't want to achieve your goals. Right, that's one thing that I think I want to make as clear as possible. here is you can do fantasy baseball.

Speaker 2:

Real quick though, rukua, depending on the size of your goals too. Yes, 100%, because this person had very large goals where it's like that, ain't it for you? If you're, what's?

Speaker 1:

your truth about that person. From my perspective, knowing that person, there's no way they can be in that group and achieve their dreams 100%.

Speaker 2:

Okay, That's yeah. That's why I was excited.

Speaker 1:

I was excited about the belonging issue that we all face. I've struggled with this tremendously and I want to make sure I share something that I think will end in a second.

Speaker 2:

They have a very. that person has a very similar fear to you of being alone. That's why it's harder for that person, because one of their big fears is being alone. And here's the interesting thing They don't know a ton of entrepreneurs. The entrepreneurs they know are super busy.

Speaker 2:

So it's like you're not going to see them very often, which almost is. It's almost like you can have and again, i'm not saying they're not quality humans, i'm not saying that but it's almost like you can have a lot of people to kind of hold space, or very few people who are really like the highlights. And I'm not saying that holding space is bad, i'm just saying they're not having these conversations And that's something that this person values. So think of it this way They all have a core value of baseball, but most of them do not have a core value of growth. They don't have a core belief that growth is necessary or growth is the way to success, or they don't believe that they. They don't aspire to become the most holistic, successful versions of the missile. It's great that they all have a similar core value of baseball, but that's not enough to maintain everything else. That's why relationships are so hard.

Speaker 2:

Alan and I might like the same thing, but we also might not like a lot of the same things, and it's like, if so, to this point, you and I had a conversation. I was telling I was talking to somebody at one point and they were like are you and Alan would still be friends if it wasn't for the podcast, right? And I was like, no, definitely not. I'd like, alan would like me and I would like him, but we wouldn't spend. No, we're not going to talk every day. It's this. This is what keeps us together. Yeah, our relationship, our marriage quote, unquote our business marriage is this, this is what keeps us together, this is the core value. I would You gotta go deeper on that.

Speaker 1:

I think that's the value. I want to go deeper on that because Please, please Personal growth and holistic self-improvement is something that you and I adore, and our relationship was built on that. Yes, it was built on other things that we weren't aware of. We both didn't have dads, we both had low self-worth, we both had big dreams and we both were super lonely. At the same time, we both also had struggles and intimate relationships that we didn't understand. We had a lot of. It was very synergistic. We were there for each other during some of our hardest times, but underneath all of it, the one thing that's never changed and never gonna change is that we're both obsessed with personal growth, particularly holistic and particularly character-driven. Who you are as a person matters more than what you achieve self-improvement And when Kevin and I didn't get along back in high school, it's because we had different core values.

Speaker 1:

We didn't have any similar core values. I should say He was into sports, i was into achievement, and every relationship on planet Earth is built on common core values, whether we like it or not. If you love UFC and I don't, that is something that we both cannot mutually love, and you're not gonna invite me to go to a fight, and I think your internet is Yeah, just keep rolling, just keep rolling, yep, yep. So let's say, kevin, in the future he wants to go to a UFC event. He's not gonna invite me, so that's time we're not gonna spend together, that's okay. But I want everyone to really try to understand the fact that every relationship in your life is predicated on a mutual goal or a mutual core value. Usually, we don't see it that way, and this is why families usually have such challenges when they grow older, because when you're younger, you don't really know who you are yet, but as you get older and older and older and older and older, you're still running these same family traditions that you no longer agree with. Now you have your own household and it's there's you. Just over time, you have much less in common with your, with your fan bam, most likely. That's what I've seen from coaching so many people And I wanted to share this as well.

Speaker 1:

So Emilia is leaving her full-time corporate job. She worked in IT for a billion dollar pharmaceutical company called Alchemy's. She did a lot of amazing work there and she is actually going to be going full-time entrepreneur. And I said to her I said I can't wait. I'm so pumped. She's scared Not in a you know she's she's just vulnerable, like yeah, no, this is crazy. This is a hell of a transition. This is my dream, this is what I've always wanted, but I'm scared, right.

Speaker 1:

I'm personally pumped because I'm going to feel more seen, more understood and more valued, because I've been an entrepreneur for six years And I know what it's like, where you don't have any safety net. If Kevin and I aren't successful and we aren't working hard and working smart and getting better, all of this goes away. We don't have a check coming in regardless. And there's no glass ceiling either. You know, there, there and that's one thing, that's a whole nother conversation but there's no safety net, but there's also no ceiling. We can, we can aspire and and, and. Now you can grow as long as large as we can become capable of growing it, and so it's amazing, right. But I'm so pumped for her to be an entrepreneur too, because before she's always been entrepreneurial, she's had dozens of different businesses, genuinely like all kinds of different ones, but she's never been a full-time entrepreneur. So she's about to go from half-time entrepreneur to full-time entrepreneur And I'm pumped because now I know her and I are going to connect on an even deeper level And, at the end of the day, my point is you can only connect with people to the extent that you have aligned common core values and core aspirations and core beliefs.

Speaker 1:

And what's really one more deep layer to that is your core beliefs have to be congruent with your core aspirations. One tiny example Kevin and I have decided that we want to have the most successful holistic, self-improvement company in history. That's an infinite game. That's a huge goal. That's not a relatable goal, but we have to have a core belief that goes with that. And the core belief is that that's possible, that personal growth is going to change the world, that people, once they see the value of personal growth, really will get addicted to it in a positive way. We have to have all these beliefs underneath it. People think like oh, my beliefs are my beliefs. Your beliefs have to be shaped by what you're going for and what you value. So, for example, you love UFC, kev. You can't be against fighting and love UFC. You see what I mean. Have you ever met someone who's against violence and they think UFC is bad?

Speaker 2:

Of course You can't believe that and still value UFC.

Speaker 1:

So our beliefs are actually molded by our values and by our aspirations, more than we realize. If your car is a gas car, the dream car, you have to believe that fossil fuels are okay, even if they're not, by the way. But I want to make that clear. All of your relationships, completely predicated on what you're shooting for, what you value and what you believe, and all of those things are changing and evolving and adapting And that's why what you used to fit in with you don't anymore. You are literally and metaphorically and physically different than you used to be Mind, body, heart and soul. You are different. Kevin is so much different than he was six years ago. You can't hang out with the same people and not freak out. You know, and I think that's just either that or you have to dial who you really are way down, which is deeply unfulfilling.

Speaker 2:

Unless they're growing at a similar rate. Right, if they're growing at a similar rate, then that's the beauty of it. But that's kind of what we're talking about is in that friend group where everybody's talking about fantasy baseball. They don't have the goals and the aspirations and they're not tracking habits. There is going to be a level of contrast. That's what's happening. And what's happening is what is necessary for this person to accomplish their goals is not necessary for them, it's not necessary for the rest of the group. That's where contrast comes from. Contrast comes from that. There was a, i don't know. I saw a graph recently and I don't remember exactly what it was. I think it was like the amount of friends people have as they age something like that.

Speaker 2:

Love that And I remember I was thinking to myself after I looked at it. It's like it peaks when you're the youngest, like probably like high school, college age, i think, is when it peaks And then it starts to go down pretty drastically. Obviously, it makes sense And I think one of the reasons is because as you get older in life, you start to understand your core values more. It's like okay, i used to party and I don't party anymore. So anybody who still parties I'm probably not going to spend that much time with. That's okay. Right, i think about that. I don't have any. I don't have anybody in my life that drinks consistently Me neither, and nothing like again.

Speaker 2:

I mean, i'll have a whiskey every once in a while, but I'm not drinking every weekend. I don't have anybody. I used to have a ton of people, of course, because of course I used to drink regularly, right? So yeah, of course.

Speaker 1:

That's a perfect example.

Speaker 2:

When I used to drink regularly.

Speaker 1:

all my friends also drink regularly. Yeah, Because that's why they were there. That's why they were there.

Speaker 2:

That was the core value that you shared.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, of course, Not making that wrong right Of course You go to a concert with Kevin because you want to go to the concert. People think that you want to hang out with them. To hang out with them. That's part of it, but it's not the whole equation. Yeah, And I think that a lot of people don't like that. Emotionally driven people struggle with that and I understand, And I've struggled with that a lot too. It's like, well, you don't talk to me as much as you used to. It's like, yeah, we don't play Halo anymore. Man, We were trying to get together for LAN parties. We were playing Halo. We're one of my buddies like oh, you know, have you tried Halo 5 yet? No, I haven't tried Halo 5 yet. One of my other friends texted me about Diablo 2, a game we used to play.

Speaker 2:

They remastered it decades later.

Speaker 1:

And again, it's all good, he's still playing.

Speaker 2:

Diablo 2.

Speaker 1:

That's all fine. I'm not going to play Diablo 2 with you. I can't. This man, this version of me. I'm not going back to when I was a kid Now. Could I have fun doing it. Could I visit every now and then if I wanted to? Yes, the law of trade-offs.

Speaker 1:

I have chosen not to play Diablo 2. I have chosen not to play Halo. I have not chosen to quit movies. I love movies. I told Emilia I know I love movies more than you. I don't want to give them up. I love them. That is my one vice, just like yours is UFC, and I don't want to give that up. Maybe I'll change my mind in the future.

Speaker 1:

And so, if you're out there listening, what is it that you're not willing to give up? What's a core value that, regardless of how much you grow, you just don't want to give up this thing. This is so near and dear to you. And then the other stuff you might have to. You honestly probably will have to. If all of us were doing what we were doing at 17, we'd be in some serious trouble. I look back to my teens and it's like, okay, definitely had to get rid of that, and that's just growing, that's growth, and so this person that we originally started talking about, they're growing. That's the growing pains. To me, that's the most difficult part of growing pains is just you have so much less in common.

Speaker 1:

The moment you set huge goals, the moment you put personal growth first, you have so much less in common.

Speaker 2:

Seriously. Last thing I'll say before we hop out. So this is an interesting thing In the mixed martial arts world. People would say you're like a newbie if you say I like UFC because there's a bunch of other leagues. There's Bellator, there's PFL, there's one championship. There's many, many different leagues of mixed martial arts. It's different. You can take the NFL, where there's really only one place, or NBA, whatever it is. The reason I keep saying I follow UFC, which is a league within a sport, is because I don't have time to follow the demos. That's why I've chosen one. I can't keep up with five other organizations and watch. There's some fights on Fridays, some have like in the middle of the week. I that I'm not committed to that, but Saturday night you will find my butt on the couch, most likely for the rest of my life, or at the place at the arena watching it. I'd like to do that in the very near future, but that's the one thing I've chosen.

Speaker 1:

I've kind of let go, you three goes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, there's one, there's one in Boston. I was looking, i was looking and then I saw the ticket prices and I was like and also I've been In person It's just not the same. You can't really see what's going on. It's only two two humans in a cage. If you're in the nosebleeds You can't see anything. You're watching on the screen anyway right.

Speaker 1:

Plus, you can't have your your bed or my taco bell and your taco bell, yeah, they probably won't they probably want to allow me to stash taco bell in.

Speaker 2:

Do you mind if I bring in my gordita crunch? You know it's not a big deal, right? I do consider. Yeah, i know.

Speaker 1:

I know Emilia has a big bag.

Speaker 2:

I get too much answer.

Speaker 1:

That's her purse. I know there's Q-doba coming out.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, why does it smell like?

Speaker 1:

Don't worry about that.

Speaker 2:

It's my new cologne. I'm glad we. I'm glad we did this episode, especially after I don't know. I feel like these are these are really important episodes because eventually this will happen. It happens again oh you right.

Speaker 2:

This is just like a. It's a layer one of Yeah, what's gonna happen eventually is you might outgrow the people that you've been growing with, too, or you might get outgrown by the people you've been growing with. So it happens on both ends. So this is one of those kind of evergreen episodes where you can always come back to because I Don't know if this is something that's gonna go away. So I'm glad we did this one. Next elimination, as you hear me talk about so Very often and I talk about the things that I believe in the most We have a private Facebook group called next level nation, where you can join and you can be yourself. If you're looking for positivity, inspiration daily, if you're looking to meet other like-minded people, if you're looking to find a place where you feel like you belong, next level nation is the place we Created as a group that we would have wanted, right. So that's one thing we're focused on every single day. Link is in the showdowns. We would love to have you.

Speaker 1:

We will see you over there if you've been feeling lonely, if you feel like you're out growing other people, if you feel like you Need some more direction. You need some more structure. You've been doing a little bit too much wandering during the spring or summer months. Group coaching starts on July 11th. Get on a team of like-minded people. It's just like back in the day when you're on a sports team and you happen to be in better shape. It's Accountability, it's coaching, it's a curriculum, it's it's train tracks. They're gonna keep you on track. So the link will be in the show notes. Reach out to Kevin or myself for the promo code. It comes to less than $96 per month. It will pay for itself in the long run. I promise you that what you will learn will be valuable, valuable, valuable.

Speaker 2:

Tomorrow for episode number 1385. I feel like we've been in the 1300s for years. I know, you know I don't, maybe I'm counting wrong. It's very possible, i don't know you become what you say you are. I've had a very recent Awareness or identity shift, i don't know. I'm very excited to talk about it because I think it'll make for a really powerful episode. So make sure you tune in tomorrow for that. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and an L you either, not a fans. We have family. We'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 1:

Keep growing next civilization.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host